Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 6 - Sleepover - full transcript

Squeeze in.
Little closer together.

Chins up like baby
birds. Lovely.

- Move.
- Shut up.

- Stop touching me.
- I'm not touching you.

I was clipping
on my tie.
While you were
touching me.

Stop it.
Why do we have
to do this?

Because we don't have a single
picture of us all together.

That's ridiculous.

We're a family-- we should have
a family portrait.

Well, Francis
isn't here.

Well, I'm not gonna cough up
200 bucks to fly him in



for one silly picture.

Where's Dewey?

Dewey, get out of there--
that's not your family.

You sure you want "autumn
leaves" as a backdrop?

Yes.

You didn't even look
at "happy windmills."

It's more colorful.

- "Space shuttle."
- Next.

Come on, let's go.

I have a coupon here for one
eight-by-ten and two wallet size

for $9.99, and
that's what I want.

I don't want the "golden
moments" collection.

I don't want the "family
and friends" collection.

I don't want the
"lifetime of love."



I want one eight-by-ten and
two wallet size for $9.99.

Fine. We have an installment
plan if that would help.

I brought a picture
of Francis.

He's gonna be
in the portrait.
Cool.

I'll hold it.
No, I'm gonna
hold it.

Let go.
I'm gonna hold it.
Come on.

Dewey, pants on, mister.

I'm sorry, but this
coupon's expired.
What?

It's expired.

What you want will
run you $39.50.
Ooh, "lonely beach."

We're kind of the "lonely
beach" family, right?
Hal.

But for another $5.00, you can
have the instant memory set.

That comes with double
exposure silhouettes

for the grandparents.

Look, could you please just do
what I'm asking you to...

I'm older!
It was my idea!

That is it!

Get up!

Get back!

Come here!

Go there!

Okay.

We are gonna take
this picture,

and it is gonna be good.

And that means no faces,

no tongues,

no crossed eyes,
no bunny ears.

We are gonna smile.

We are gonna look good.

It is gonna
cost us $9.99.

And all of this is
gonna happen

by the time
I count to three.

One, two, three.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Hello.

Hello?

Listen, pervert, this is
the third time you've called,

and I have just about had it...

Is Malcolm...

there?

Oh. Hi, Stevie.

Sorry, uh...

Malcolm, phone!

Hey, Stevie.

You're coming... tonight?

Yeah.

And sleeping... over?

It's a sleepover, Stevie--
that's what you do.

I'm just... excited.

Never... had one.

We can...

read comics...

and build...

models.

Stevie, I never thought I'd
say this, but slow down.

Ha... ha.

Forty-one.

Forty-two.

Forty-three.

Okay, stop,
I can't do anymore.

You think later on,
you can manage to stand

on my stomach
while I do sit-ups?

Ugh, just give me
a minute, okay?

Finley, what are you doing
in the cupboard?

Poquito cabeza.
Get out of there, man.

I can't-- I've been marked by
the brothers of the apocalypse.

Poquito cabeza.

Brothers of the apocalypse?

It's ridiculous.

It's five seniors
with limited imaginations.

Oh, yeah, that's
easy for you to say.

You've got Stanley
protecting you.

And you're not holding
poquito cabeza.

Would you stop saying
poquito cabeza?

I can't.

And I'm not
coming out.

Oh, could you turn
in my math homework?

These guys are so lame.

Amateurs.

Poor Finley.

He's good at math, right?

Finley, boom-ba-yay,

Finley,
boom-ba-yay,

Finley, boom-ba-yay,
Finley, boom-ba-yay,

Finley, boom-ba-yay...

No!

Finley,
boom-ba-yay,
No! No, please!

Finley, boom-ba-yay,
Somebody help me. No.

Finley, boom-ba-yay,
Finley, boom...
Please, no.

Some... Somebody.
Stop.

Froot Loops.

Finley, boom-ba-yay,
Oh, please, please.

Finley, boom-ba-yay,
Help me! Help me!

Finley, boom-ba-yay...
No...!

Hey, Mom, I'm going to Stevie's.

You be nice to that boy.

He can't walk.

If he's got to go
to the bathroom

in the middle of the night,
you get up and you help him.

Yes! There's a Chucky
movie on tonight.

Not in this house.

You know how your father feels
about evil puppet movies.

Please, Mom.

It's not even
a school night.

I can stay up.

You really think
you're old enough?

I totally am.

Well, if you
really think so.

Aw, Mom, no fair.

What's the matter?

Afraid you can't
beat your mommy?

She's just a person,
she's just a person.

Oh, no.

He's finally
going to win.

What's he playing
for tonight?

Bedtime and a
Chucky movie.

Stop screwing around
and pin him.

Oh, you'll have to forgive
the mess, Malcolm.

Mmm, when our Stevie enters a
room, it's like a typhoon hit.

Well, uh, we'll
leave you alone.

Check it out, Stevie.

The T. rex is three feet
tall with a movable jaw.

Red paint for blood.

This is so cool.

I heard screaming.

Yeah.

I said, "This
is so cool."

Is that a switchblade?

It's an
X-Acto knife.

To cut the pieces apart.

I use it all the time.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, we'll lock this up
with the scissors.

How about a puzzle?

Stevie, it's been a long time

since you did
the Arc de Triomphe.

We'll just give that back
when you go home.

Hmm.

Puzzles are... fun.

You think we can
order some pizza?

Mom's... making...
pizza.

Cheeseless...
sauceless... pizza.

That's just bread.

Pizza... bread.

Wise poquito cabeza.

Who shall your next victim be?

I am so sick
of these guys.

What's that?

You're not sure?

I think we have a winner.

You are cordially invited

to attend...

Hey!

I don't have a
problem with you.

Francis.

Look, Stevenson,

this place is
horrible enough,

so the poquito cabeza
thing stops now, okay?

Just stop...

Just stop.

Just stop packing.

You were
protecting me.

I mean, I know we don't have,
like, a formal agreement

or anything, but my act
of courage was kind of dependent

on your role
as my bodyguard.

I'm sorry, Francis.
You're sorry?

Do you have any idea what
these guys are gonna do to me?

Four words.

Nana has a fever.

End of discussion.

So what am I
supposed to do?

Remember that move
I taught you?

Yeah.
Don't even try it.

Francis, boom-ba-yay,
Francis, boom-ba-yay,

Francis, boom-ba-yay...

Have to admit--
it's kind of catchy.

...Francis, boom-ba-yay.

Did you have fun
tonight, Malcolm?

Yeah, I guess.

But isn't it kind of early
to be going to bed?

It's not even 8:00.

Oh, don't worry,
that jigsaw puzzle

will still be there
in the morning.

Now, I know you boys want to do

a little chatting
before sleepy time.

Let's say four minutes.

Mrs. Kenarban can
be a tad strict.

She doesn't know that sometimes
boys have to be boys.

Am I right?

I can't move.

Welcome to...
the club.

I'm never gonna
fall asleep.

It's too early.

Want to tell...
ghost stories?

No, I want to do
that dinosaur model.

Everything all right
in there, boys?

Um, yeah.

A plush toy just fell
on the floor.

We're fine.

You... can't.

I just did.

Your parents need
to cut you some slack.

They just...
want me... safe.

No, they want you
to be four.

Stevie, parents aren't allowed
to control everything you do.

Sometimes,
you just have...

Sorry.

Conditioning.

Come on.

I got an idea.

We're gonna get you
out of here.

Don't.

It's alarmed.

You got me?
Yeah.

You got me?

No.

I didn't know...
you cared.

Okay.

You want maturity?

Well, here's three weeks
of social studies homework.

Now I'm one week ahead.

Plus, I called Grandma.

- Hello.
- Hi, Grandma, it's Reese.

Who is this? Reese.
Grandma, it-it's Reese.

Who's Reese?
Grandma, it's Reese.

No, I won't accept charges.
It's Reese.

I'm trying to sleep.
Grandma, come on, it's Reese.

I'm very tired, please.
Grandma...

It goes on like that
for another ten minutes,

but I still want credit.

Honey, I'm very proud of you,
but you still haven't proven

you're old enough
to extend your bedtime.

Come on, Mom, I'll do anything.

All right.

Tell you what.

You can stay up and watch
the movie, if...

...you put Dewey
to bed.

Oh.

Anything else.

That's the deal.

You give him his bath,
you put him in his PJs,

you read him a story.

Lois, have a heart.

Hey, take it
or leave it.

I'll take it.

Come on, Dewey!

It's bath time!

You know he doesn't
stand a chance.

I know, but at least it'll give
us the night to be alone.

Oh.

I love the way
your mind works.

Honk.

Smoothie.

I'm... winning.

I... lost.

Yes.

I got... another
quarter... in my chair.

Somebody stole my
friend's wheelchair.

What's it look like?

It's a chair
with wheels.

I'll go get a form.

I don't need a form,
I need a wheelchair.

Hey!

Come back!

I'm not kidding!

This ain't funny!

I'll get another chair.

I'm... screwed.

You're not screwed.

We just got to
get you home.

We'll deal with
everything else...

What are we going
to do now?

Carry me... like...

a backpack.

Stop! Stop!

Gonna... puke.

Ow! Let me go!

Come on, Dewey.

It's me.

You like me.

No, I don't.

Ow.

Dewey, please!

How much does my head weigh?

Zero.

Zero.

Hey, do you remember
the last time we had

a quiet moment
together like this?

Bob's funeral.

Yeah.

Oh, that was nice.

And you look
great in black.

Aw...

You do. You do.

Let the machine
get it.

Mmm.

Mom, Dad, hi.

Listen, something's come up.

Sorry about the way I sound,

but I'm calling
from inside a washing machine.

Don't worry, I think
I'll be fine as long as...

Oh. Hi, guys.

How's it going?

Hey, hey, what are you doing
with those quarters?

Hey, you guys,
you don't want to...

Hey, come on...!

Morning Dew.

You know
all my secrets.
Mm-hmm.

Well, we... we've been
together a long time.

Ah, well, don't worry.

I know all
your secrets, too.

No, you don't.

Oh, yes, I do.

No, I'm a man of
mystery, Lois.

Okay,
let's hear one.

Let's hear a secret.

Well, it's not really a secret
as much as it is a fantasy,

but it's a little
embarrassing, so...

Well, so...
whisper it in my ear.

Ha-ha.

Just kidding.
Just kidding.

Saw it in a
movie once.

Don't want to do
that-- that's...

Oh, God.

I gotcha.

We can do that.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Dewey, get back here!

Okay, I just have to
pick up a few things.

Give me 20 minutes?

I'll be waiting.

Yes.

Honey?
Huh? Huh?

Honey, aren't you
forgetting something?

Thank you.
Thank you.

Your car keys.

Come on, Dewey, stop!

Right.

Stay out of the neighbor's...

That's a nice cart.

Thanks.

It's new.

Downtown... rocks.

What's that?

A stripped car.

What's that?

A naked man arguing
with a wall.

What's that?

A nudie bookstore.

With my dad
coming out of it.

There you go.

Daddy's gonna get
some love tonight.

Perhaps you'll survive--

perhaps not.

Many have perished at the hands
of the grand executioner.

They are the
lucky ones.

Are you scared?

Actually, now that
you mention it... no.

What?

Scared now?

No.

I'm just kind of itchy.

Huh?

You are hanging over
a bottomless pit.

In five seconds, I
will cut the rope.

Are you scared now?

I'm really not, no.

Why not?

This stuff is
way scary.

I'm sorry, it just feels
so... amateurish.

I mean, I know
you guys are trying,

but I've been tormented
by the best.

Let me tell you a little bit
about the master.

Traveling?!

He wasn't traveling.

Why don't you put your glasses
on here, buddy?

You're missing
a great game.

Oh, oh-oh, you're gonna
give me a technical?!

You're gonna give
me a technical?!

You can't give me
a technical!

Look at that
little pee-pee.

Oh, Francis, I forgot
how tiny you are.

Oh-oh, l-l...

That's the moment
of his birth.

You see? See him
coming out feet first?

Doctor said it was the biggest
mucus plug they'd ever seen.

It's an eight-inch scratch
on the car, Francis!

You know how much that's
gonna cost to fix?!

If you think you are ever,
ever borrowing my car again,

you are sadly
mistaken!

And I saw that
tattoo, Jimmy!

I'm telling your mother!

And that's just the stuff
I didn't block out.

Oh, man.

What have
we been doing?

This was all
so wrong.

We've got to stop treating
people like this.

Yeah.

If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna do it right.

You will never
amount to anything.

Why can't you just
apply yourself?

Do you enjoy
seeing me suffer?

Is that what this is?

After all that
I've done for you,

and this is the
thanks I get?!

We passed... that
couch... an hour ago.

I know
where we're going.

Oh, no, I don't.

This sucks.

You complain... a lot.

Well, I'm sorry,
but tonight hasn't exactly been

the most fun
in the world.

Not tonight.

All the time.

You never...
stop... bitching.

Okay, great.

You're gonna do
this now? Fine.

You were right.

We shouldn't have snuck
out of your house.

We shouldn't have
gone to the arcade.

It was stupid of me for
even thinking about it.

It was a dumb idea.

No.

Good idea.

Execution... sucked.

Yeah, do it again, man.

Come on, do it.

Yeah.

Your chair. Hey!

Oh...

I'm slowing... you down.

Get them... yourself.

Okay.

Faster, man,
they're gaining on us.

Come on!
Get out of the chair.

Oh, right.

You'd better be running!

Hey, Stevie, I got your...

Oh, my God.

Stevie, are
you okay?

Can't feel... my legs.

That's not funny.

Is there anything I can do

to get out
of the ticket, Officer?

Just love me.

Ah, for crying out loud,
Hal, is that it?

Well, can't he be
a sensitive cop?

No! N-No!

Th-That puppet's alive!

N-No...!

Tonight was...

awesome.

Well, we kind of
got lucky.

I was... sort of
hoping... to get caught.

What?

Never been...
in trouble.

Like to see...
what it's like.

Sometimes you're such
a Krelboyne.

Oh! I've lost my baby! Oh...

I guess... we are...
in trouble... after all.

Malcolm?

My boy!

Malcolm...?
Just find my boy.

Oh, God.

Malcolm?