Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 5 - Malcolm Babysits - full transcript

Pass the chips, please.

Here you go.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Wow, that was
a really great move.

My head just went flying.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

I told you boys
these games are too violent.

Here, watch something
wholesome.

♪ The sun is a mass
of incandescent gas ♪

♪ A gigantic nuclear furnace ♪



♪ Where hydrogen is built... ♪

Give me more chips!

Get your own, doofus!

Shut up! I'm watching!

You shut up!
I want more chips!

Here!

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪



♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

$90 for a toy?

It's not a toy.
It's a robotics kit.

You build a little
mechanical rover.

It teaches you about
electronics and engineering.

Does it teach you
to pick up your socks?

'Cause that I'd be
interested in.

Besides, son,

robots are evil.
What?!

Westworld,
Terminator,

the creepy maid
from The Jetsons...

how much scientific
proof do you need?

Mom!
Malcolm, no!

Look, if you want
this thing so badly,

you pay for it
with your own money.

You're gonna start babysitting
next week, just save up.

I don't even know
what they're gonna pay me!

I'll tell you what
they're gonna pay you.

They're gonna pay you
what all jobs pay--

less than you're worth
and just enough to keep you

crawling back for more.
Now go on. It's bedtime.

That's the way discussions
go down in this family.

I tell them my needs
and they say no.

Then dad reveals
another cartoon character

he's afraid of.

Hey, how much time
do you think we have?

Not long enough
for that look.

You butt-wipe!
That's my toothbrush.

So use mine.

You can't just take
someone's toothbrush.

Give me that.

Fine.

Oops.

Hal... that is the third bug
I've seen today.

You have got to call
the exterminator!

What, and miss out
on watching you hunt?

You're like a sexy,
bug-killing panther.

Malcolm, stop!

That's it!

Bedtime was
20 minutes ago.

Go to bed!

Go to bed!

Bed!

Hal, bring the spray!

I haven't rinsed yet.

Only boys who behave
themselves get to rinse.

Honestly, every night
we go through this!

Mom, can I have a story?

Once upon a time
there was a little boy

who made his mother
so crazy

she decided to sell him
to the circus.

An evil circus?

No, a nice one with monkeys.

Thank you.
Ah, wait, wait, wait, wait,

I think I see
where they're coming from.

Ah, you cannot hide.

Aw... look at...

Aw!

Oh! Ooh!

Oh!

Aah! Aah! Just...

Okay, come on, boys.

We're all camping out
in the den tonight.

Here we go.

Hey, Francis, aren't
you going to open up

your mom's care package?

Give me a minute.

I'm still savoring this.

I swiped Commandant Spangler's
master key.

It opens every door
in the academy, Stanley.

Every door.

You know, I think
it's cookies.

Who cares?
I'm about to expose

every secret sin
this place conceals

to the harsh light of day.

So, can I open it?

Yeah.

So, what'd my mom send me?

Bug-infested cookies.

As usual, a mixed message.

And this is the living room.

This is the biggest, nicest
house I've ever seen!

Wow!

Homocanthus imperator.

We call him Barney.

Malcolm?

We saved you some dinner.

Dinner? Me? Saved?

Dinner?

We weren't sure which
you liked better--

turkey or roast beef-- so
we fixed you a platter.

Platter?!

Okay, kids,
what time is it?

Bedtime!
Bedtime!

Yay!
I'll race you!

They're going to bed?

So you're just paying me

to hang out here
for three hours?

Well, maybe three and a half.

We'll round up to
four, of course.

Come on,
there's got to be a catch!

Oh, and Malcolm,
you can't watch television...

unless you turn on
the satellite first.

Otherwise, all you'll
get is pornography.

It's weird...

I think I'm having a spasm.

The muscles in my face
keep pulling on my mouth.

Oh, I think I'm happy!

I just don't understand
how it got so bad so fast.

Well, it's been
pretty hot this year.

That's part of it, but, uh...

mostly it's that giant
pile of candy wrappers

and half-eaten cereal boxes
you have in your crawl space.

It's like there's some kind of
creepy hobo living down there.

Whoa...

there really
is a lost bomb shelter.

Wow, this is almost
as exciting

as that room full
of folding chairs.

Let's get out of here!

Aw, come on, Francis.

Don't you want to explore?

We might find
the abandoned furnace room

or the old civil war amputorium.

I didn't want to say this
before, but you've confirmed it.

Marlin Academy is the most
boring place on earth.

We're not gonna find
anything interesting.

I take that back.

Look, the circus!

The circus is at our house!

Well, say good-bye
for a few days, boys.

We're moving out.

This is humiliating.

Why can't we just stay
at a nice hotel?

Because we're giving all our
money to the exterminators

so they can stay in nice hotels.

Craig?

Thank you so much
for lending us your trailer.

Oh, I'm just glad
someone's finally

getting some
use out of it.

I bought it 15 years ago
to take on my honeymoon.

You were married?

No, I live on hope.

Well... thanks again.

You're welcome.

Bye.

Good-bye.

Aw, this is cozy!

It's 150 degrees in here!

My butt is sweating.

Ah, it just needs
to air out a little.

The trailer!

Come on, let's make
the best of this.

I'm going to go babysit.

It's still early.
They don't mind.

They paying you okay?

Yeah.

It's okay.

I can't believe how much

these people are paying me!

I did the math.

I'm actually making more
an hour than mom does.

I got to stop doing this.

It's creepy, right?

"Lester."

Looks like he
was the janitor.

How long you think
he's been down here?

I'd say May of '85.

You can tell that by tasting?

No, the date on the newspaper.

Then why did you lick him?

How often do you get
to taste a mummy?

We should tell
someone about him.

Uh, no, you can't do that.

Commandant will know
you took the key,

and he'll punish you.

And then he'll punish me.

And I'm gonna have
to punish you.

Yeah, but don't you think
that's kind of sad?

I mean, Lester's family will
never know what happened to him.

They probably still set a place
for him on holidays.

Yeah, well, judging by
the empty scotch bottles

and German dungeon porn,
I don't think so.

Damn. Beta.

And you made fun of me

when I bought
this mesh underwear.

Who looks like an idiot now?

I stand corrected.

Close the door.
Were you raised in a barn?

But it's cooler outside.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Well...

I don't know.

I don't know.

Will you please
make up your mind?

There's no need
for that kind of tone.

It wasn't a tone.

There it is again.

Look, Hal, it's hot.

We're all cranky.

Will you please just drop it?

Fine!

I think
you should apologize.

Oh, you know, I didn't hear
you apologizing to me

when you used up all the
liquid in the chemical toilet.

Well, we have
your taco casserole

to thank for that, don't we?

Boys, will you step
outside for a second?

Your father and I need
a little privacy.

Shoo!

Look, I didn't want to say
anything in front of the boys.

But you are behaving
like a giant ass!

Oh, really?

Well, as long as we're
on the subject of giant asses...

I'm ready to go.

Hey, you want
to see something?

That's okay; I don't
want to break it.

Ah, don't be silly.
Come, take a look.

Wow.

That's a spiral galaxy.

These people are amazing.

They're rich, they're smart,
they're polite.

What are they gonna do next,
give me a million dollars?

Malcolm, do you want
a million dollars?

What?!

I said, do you want
a sandwich to take home?

Oh. Close enough.

I only asked out your sister

because you said
you weren't interested!

And I was thinking of you
the whole time!

Aw, don't give me that!

I saw the charm bracelet!

This isn't even mine!

What, are you insane?

You're throwing out stuff
that's not even mine!

What are you looking at?

Hey, this is a private
conversation, buster!

Huh?

Oh, yeah, like you've
never seen this before!

My mistake.

I'm on the next street over.

You were right about Lester.
I checked him out--

no wife, no kids.

Poor guy didn't have
a friend in the world.

Here you go,
Lester, buddy.

Did you tell anyone
about this place?

No.

Huh.

Must've been me, then.

All right, that's enough!

Party's over!

Don't you guys have
any respect for the dead?

You took his wallet!

Lester would've wanted me
to have his I.D.

But that's not the point.

This man was not just
an alcoholic pervert janitor.

He was one of us!

He hated the commandant
as much as we do.

He was filled
with impudent rage, like we are.

This man was a hero.

And heroes do not rot alone

in basements.

They're immortalized in song.

They were sent off to Valhalla
in flaming ships!

They are not put

in beer hats
or used as photo props

or given fake mustaches.

Oh, man!

That wasn't fake.

My bad.

What do we do now?

Go for the spare.

Up higher, Dewey.
Reese, vertical, vertical!

I already adjusted...
Go like this.

I know, but this...
Push the button harder.

Francis, I'm sorry
I'm calling you so late.

I had to talk to someone.

Hey, no problem.
What's going on?

I don't know.

Do you ever feel like you don't
really belong in the family?

Dude, I'm in military school.

I think that question's
been answered.

Right.

This is good.

At least someone else
in the family is normal.

Hey, listen,
while I got you, um...

you're in school
with all those science brains.

How would you reattach a head

to a dead body?

Keep it down!
Huh?

Don't talk to your
mother like that!

Would you go sit
in the corner?

There are no corners!

You ready to make up?

No.

Me, neither.

Oh, hello, son.

You know, I barely
see you anymore.

That babysitting has turned
into a full-time job.

Well, sometimes I just
go over there to hang out

and watch TV.

Live in a house.

Dad, does this seem okay to you?

Gosh, no.
Your mother and I

have never fought
for this long before.

It's been days, and we
still haven't made up.

I don't even know
what the problem is.

Nah, something's missing.

Boy...

look at that sky, Malcolm.

Just think,

somewhere out there
in all those stars and planets,

there might be
at this very moment

a space dad
who just got kicked out

of his space trailer,

who's looking down at us.

Or would it be up at us?

Or maybe sideways?

Trust me, Dad.
They're all looking down on us.

The matinee
gets out at 4:00,

so we should be back
before dinner.

Okay. What do you want me
to feed the kids for lunch?

Hmm, whatever you want.

We trust you.

They trust me!

People like this trust me!

I obviously have to say
something nice back to them.

This is why my family sucks.

I have no training in this.

This job...

me... like.

We're thrilled to have
found you, Malcolm.

The kids love you.

You're great
to have around.

You've really become
one of the family.

I may not have been
switched at birth,

but I should have been.

I love these people.

Okay, come on.

Wait a minute.

Sorry.

Well...

let's see what our
little friend did today.

Oh, hi.

Don't worry.

I'd never hurt Barney.

He's part of the family.

Just like I'm part
of the family, right?

And since a big part
of this family

is being such a huge phony

and launching
secret investigations

against each other,

I thought I'd join in.

Personal computers
are great.

You can file tax returns,
medical records,

embarrassing private e-mail.

Little security tip,
though.

Never use your birthday

as your password.

And hiding things
in a fake salt can?

That's just silly.

I don't know who Melissa is,

but she sure wears
a lot of lipstick.

Anyway, I think
I hear you guys

pulling up in the driveway.

So let's just leave it at this:

I quit.

Bye.

Who's Melissa?

Hi, son.
Didn't hear you drive up.

I decided to walk.

So, how's the job going?

They were jerks, so I quit.

Well, that's pretty much
what work is.

Welcome to the club.

Dad?

Hmm?

I'm really sorry.

What? About quitting?

Ah... no big deal,
especially for you.

Malcolm, you should set
your sights as high as you can.

If anyone in this family has
a shot at greatness, it's you.

Just, uh... do me a favor, huh?

Look after your brothers?

Okay, wait, wait.

You mean everything
you just said, right?

Why would I say something
I didn't mean?

See? That's what
I'm talking about.

This family may be
rude, loud and gross

and have no shame
whatsoever.

Anyway, with them

you know where you stand,

and when I have a problem,
they're always there.

Oh, my Lord.

Sex!

Things didn't work out so bad.

I made enough money
to get my robotics kit.

Or maybe I should do
something nice for my family.

Take them to dinner...

treat them to a movie.

Naw, then I couldn't do this.

If you don't
change your underwear,

this is exactly
what happens.

Like the ancient civilizations
before us,

we send off this noble man
with the riches he had in life

so he may enjoy them
in the afterlife.

Farewell, noble Lester.

It's burning really fast.

How much gas did you use?

Half a can.

Where'd you put the can?

Oh.

Look.

It's heading
toward the boathouse.

What do you think?

Run?

Yeah. I'd run.

I figured it out.

Hal, you okay?

Yeah, shh, shh, shh.

Whenever we'd fight,
you'd yell, then I'd yell,

but then we would...
you know.

Well, you see,
we haven't had a chance to

because we're in a trailer
with kids and we can't...

Oh, my God, Hal,
you're right.

What are we going to do?
We got the kids...

No, n-no, I got it
all figured out.

♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Means "I love you" ♪

♪ Oh, baby, please ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la means "I love you..." ♪