Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 4 - Shame - full transcript

(Trumpet Playing)

We're gathered here today
to say good-bye

toJumpy Number Eight.

Nine.

Nine.

He was a good...

Nine?

Are you sure, nine?

Anyway, he was a very good frog.

And he led a very full life.

I remember when I stuck him
in Mom's sun visor



and she almost hit that lady
in the crosswalk.

It was hysterical.

Farewell, Jumpy Number Nine.

We know you're going
to a better place.

Bye, Jumpy.

Dad...

(Trumpet Playing)

(Rocket Pops)

May he rest in pieces.

- Amen.
- Amen.

#Yes, no, maybe #

# I don't know #

# Can you repeat the question? #

#You're not the boss of me now #



#You're not the boss of me now #

#You're not the boss of me now #

#And you're not so big #

#You're not the boss of me now #

#You're not the boss of me now #

#You're not the boss of me now #

#And you're not so big #

# Life is unfair #

Kenarban...

winds up...

bases loaded...

series on...

the line.

Would you just throw the ball?

Ow!

Want me to...

kiss it?

Oh, man. Kevin.

I hate this guy.

He's only been here for two weeks

and he's already
the most obnoxious kid

in the school.

Little help.

Lose your ball-ey, baby?

Can I have my ball back, Kevin?

"Can I have my ball back, Kevin?"

Come on, Kevin.

"Come on, Kevin."

De gustibus non est disputandum.

De kub...

You stink!

Your new name is Stinky.

Whatever.
Just give me my ball back.

You want it?

Go get it, Stinky.

Men, most of you are at an age

where your bodies have undergone

significant changes.

While the benefits

of increased muscle mass

and a more authoritative
speaking register are plain

these changes
can produce certain...

negative desires.

Now, we used to handle it

with cold showers and
regularly scheduled beatings

but sadly, times have changed

and I am forced to rely
on a less effective option:

Education.

Pretty, isn't she?

Perhaps her name is Mary

or Wendy or Becky Lou.
It doesn't matter

because her real name
is disease.

Not so pretty anymore,
is she, men?

Chancres...

lesions...

furuncles...

Such is the price of weakness.

I can't believe
they're swallowing this.

Standard technique.

Generate a fear response

make the brain more receptive.

Spangler has ruined
everything in our lives.

Now he has to ruin sex?

Now, remember

every one of these diseases

can easily be transmitted to you.

(Boys Groaning)

Excuse me, sir?

Isn't that slide upside down?

No, son.

No, it isn't.

Dewey: Ow!

I'll get the ice pack.

Dewey, we told you to stop
climbing that tree.

It's too big.

I couldn't help it.

I know, sweetheart.

That's it. I've had it.

That sucker's coming down.

You're going to
cut down the tree?

Darn right.

I'm sick and tired
of raking leaves

and hosing bird poop
off our car.

And seeing that weird
face in the bark

that follows you
wherever you go.

And now it's going
after the children?

No, Lois,
it has to be stopped.

Can I help kill it?

Sure, sweetheart.

We'll take turns.

All right, frozen pizza.

The only thing Rowena can't ruin.

Hey, no cuts.

"Hey, no cuts."

Two slices, please.

Is there any more pizza?

No. All out.

It's American Goulash for you.

What... is that?

I don't know.

All I can identify

are little pieces of carrot and...

I don't know,
I think they're Skittles.

Hey, look at the goulash boy.

Get away from me, Kevin.

Ooh, "get away from me, Kevin."

He's so sad
that he doesn't have pizza

and I do.

I said get away.

Chill... man.

I got...

your back.

What are you looking at,
Kenar-butt?

Light...

some shadows.

Kevin, I'm warning you.

Get out of my face.

Oh, Malcolm doesn't like me

eating close to his face

with pizza I have
and he doesn't.

Pizza, pizza, pizza.

(Echoing):
Pizza...

(Echoing):
Pizza...

Pizza...

You want pizza?

I'll give you pizza.

Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Wow, watching hockey's
really paid off.

I can't believe
how good I'm doing.

(Crying)

What do you mean he's only seven?

What's not to understand?

He just turned seven.

I guess you were too busy
beating people to notice.

He can't be seven.
He's bigger than I am.

He's in second grade.

Look at all this blood.

That's not blood.
It's pizza sauce.

Well, that's blood, but...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

What happened?

I want my Teletubby!

A doll?

You can't play with dolls
if you're seven.

Why are you seven?

You beat up a seven-year-old?

I didn't know.

Malcolm, I don't blame you.

I put this squarely
where it belongs.

On me.

Oh, man, this is the most
horrible thing I've ever done.

Kevin, I'm sorry.

I think you've done quite enough.

This is the worst birthday ever!

"Inappropriate...

vicious."

Oh, wait..."Thug."

Dude, I have never
gotten "thug" before.

That's like the Oscar.

Susie Gunther ate my crayons.

Can you beat her up tomorrow?

Leave me alone.

You know what
my favorite part is?

It's when you pound on someone

and then a day later

you still feel the pain
in your knuckles.

Oh, I love that.

Shut up, Reese.

Hey, hey,
pace yourself, killer.

(Chain Saw Buzzing)

Whoa.

Whoo-hoo!

Dad.

You cut down the tree
and we missed it?

Oh, baby, you missed it,
all right.

I was about two-thirds
of the way through her

then crack! Kaboom!

My chain saw goes flying.

All the car alarms go off.

About 100 squirrels came
boiling out of the branches.

Then a pack of dogs
came out of nowhere

and chased them all over.

Man, I've never seen
anything like it.

Man...

Oh, don't worry, son.

You'll get to share
in the best part.

Cleaning up.

I think you'll enjoy

my sexual awareness lecture
next week.

It's been called riveting.

I'm sure it is, sir.

It sure worked wonders
for me, sir.

The only woman I can think of

without vomiting
is my own mother.

As it should be, son,
as it should be.

He's giving that same lecture

to the underclassmen.

I can't let that happen.

I'm stealing his slides.

And to you that's a good idea?

Absolutely.

I know it's hard core, Stanley

but I'm not doing this for me.

I'm doing it for them.

After all,
they are the future.

Francis,
I don't know why you assume

we'll be able to just walk
into Spangler's office

and find the sex slides.

Oh, man, I wish all my break-ins
were this easy.

Okay, I got 'em.

Let's get out of here.

Wait a second.

Oh, my God,
this is a gold mine.

Spangler drinking...

Spangler kissing...

Spangler in a Speedo?

Spangler out of a Speedo.

All right, that's enough.

Let's leave, huh?

Wait a second.

I have an idea.

I'm going to make Spangler's
sexual awareness lecture

just a little more interesting.

You do realize
what he'll do to you

if you humiliate him
like this, right?

And yet, I'm doing it anyway.

Weird, huh?

Why are the eggs so little?

They're robin's eggs
from the tree

your father cut down.

Paul Bunyan.

That's nature for you.

100 years to grow,
12 minutes to cut down.

There's got to be a lesson
in there somewhere.

It is nice

having this extra light
in the room.

Wait till I bring
in the wood chipper.

Then you're really
going to see something.

I can't take this anymore.

When are you going to punish me?

For what?

For beating up a seven-year-old.

(All Laughing)

Oh, my God, that's right.

You must've just felt ridiculous

when you found out
how old that kid was.

I can only imagine
the look on your face.

(Laughing)

(Doorbell Rings)

I'll get it.

Oh, this is nice.

We should start every day
with a good laugh.

It's not funny.

It's awful.

I did something horrible.

Don't you even care?

Well, it's nothing
to be proud of, son

but you told us the whole story

and he didn't give you
much choice.

It was an honest beating mistake.

Besides, it sends
a good message to our enemies.

What are you talking about?

What enemies?

Oh, they're out there.

And once they know
we're capable of this

they'll know we're capable
of anything.

Okay, so it's not just me, right?

There's something seriously
wrong with this family.

Lois:
It's none of your business

what we do on our property.

Ed: That tree was older
than your house.

You had no right to cut it down.

We're a neighborhood.

And removing trees

is a neighborhood decision.

Oh, you people.

For 15 years,
you mowed your lawns at night

so you don't have to talk to us.

Now, all of a sudden
we're a neighborhood?

What's going on here?

You've caused a blight
by cutting down that tree.

How is cutting down
a tree a blight?

Because now we can
see your house.

Lois: Well, let me
tell you something, Ed.

As far as I'm concerned

you and the neighbors
can all just...

(Monkey-like Chattering)

That goes double for me.

I want you all
off our property now or...

(Grunting)

(Chattering And Grunting)

(Grunting)

(Monkey-like Chattering)

(Grunting)

No wonder I'm a thug.

How can they act like this?

Then I found out
he was only seven.

I didn't know what to do.

I felt like
I had to talk to someone.

I hope I'm doing this right.

See, my family...
we're not like regular churchgoers

but I know places like this

are supposed
to help you feel better

and that's really what I need.

I did something terrible, and...

now I just feel like there's
something wrong with me.

I mean, really wrong, deep inside.

I can't shake it.

What do I do?

Look to the church.

Look to God.

Look within.

But first

ask forgiveness.

You must atone.

You must cleanse your spirit.

(Rap Beat Playing):
#The path to salvation... #

#The path to temptation... #

#The path to meditation... #

Rabbi:
# How does one define a sin? #

#Well, it's mostly common sense #

#Then you have to light incense #

# If you practice abstinence... #

# It's whatever space you're in #

Huh?

- # C-C-Charity #
- # Prosperity #

- # Clarity #
- # Divine #

- # Restitution #
- #Absolution #

- # Contribution #
- # Palestine #

- # Sacramental #
- #Accidental #

- # Mostly mental #
- #You'll be fine #

- #Transubstantiate #
- #Alleviate #

#Who knows? #

#Align your spine #

Uh... well, thanks.

I feel much better. Bye.

Hey, boys.

Where's your brother?

I don't know.

He said something about being evil

and he took off.

Ah. Uh, stay back.

Wow!

That was the coolest thing
I've ever seen!

Really? All it does

is instantly vaporize
anything that goes into it.

Dewey! What was?!

Actually, that was pretty cool.

What else you got?

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(Laughing)

Well, we've obviously
run out of ideas.

Yolanda, this is a love

that cannot be.

Eraserhead: Stop!

Can't you put some life in it?

It's 1969!

The slide rule
is about to be replaced

by the pocket calculator!

You have to feel the panic
in the air.

I can't stop thinking
about what I did to Kevin.

I feel like crap,
and no one understands.

Even you.

You're supposed to be my friend

and you don't even care.

And yet...
you keep... talking.

Maybe if I did something good

that would cancel it out, right?

Or if I'm only doing it
to feel better

is that selfish
and doesn't count as much?

Stevie?

(Sighing)

Okay. So, I just have to think
of a really giant good deed.

That way, I know
I'll be in the plus column.

I bet I can think
of something great.

I just have to put
some thought into it.

There!

That's perfect.

I'll run the marathon

and get people to pledge money
for every mile that I go.

I hate running,
so it'll be hard

and I'll have to train for it,
so it'll take dedication

and it'll be helping
cure diseases

which no one likes.

And then I can get on with my life.

No! No! No!

I can't work like this!

I'll be at my cubby.

This'll work.

It has to.

(Panting)

(No Audio)

(Panting)

(Dog Growling)

(Grunting)

There we go.

Looks great, Dad.

Yeah? I don't know.

Now that it's in there

it sort of makes me
miss the old tree.

This one's a little droopy

and the branches
are a little spindly

and there's no face.

Well, there's that little one

but it's not the...

kindly little spooky face...

Oh, my God!

What have I done?

Reese

get my chain saw.

I hear your son likes
to beat up seven-year-olds.

I wouldn't say he likes it.

He's good at it, apparently.

Look...

in my family

we don't go for that.

Probably not a good idea
to poke me.

"Probably not a good
idea to poke me."

(Mirthless Chuckle)

I'm sorry I beat him up

but how was I supposed to know
he was 15?

He was huge.

You should have seen the grip
he had on my throat.

Caroline:
Okay, peoples

I need all the pledge sheets
before we can begin.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Caroline?

Malcolm, I am so glad

you decided to do this.

Now, were you able
to get any pledges?

Here.

Wow.

I don't suppose there's
a beer guy around here.

This is a charity race
at an elementary school.

Oh. So, I have to go to a stand,
or something, huh?

My God.

Are these real?

Well, I assume so. Why?

Well, look at all of them.

He has more pledges here

than everyone else put together.

If he runs the distance

he is going to raise over $8,000.

Man Over P. A:
Runners, take your marks.

Get set.

(Gunshot)

Ow.

Spangler:
Perhaps her name is Mary

or... Wendy, or Becky Lou.

It doesn't matter
because her real name

is disease.

(Laughter)

Isn't so pretty anymore,
is she, boys?

Chancres...

lesions...

furuncles...

Such is the pri...

Why, these aren't
the proper slides.

Some hooligan has switched them.

This is obviously
some ingenious scheme

to humiliate me.

Lfind myself

so overcome with embarrassment
I can't stop clicking.

Although there's probably
one in here of a cadet

who thinks he's all alone, and...

Well...

technical difficulties.

We will resume the lecture...

with the proper slides

at 0800 tomorrow.

Gentlemen.

Remember, son

a good soldier
always checks the chamber.

Okay, this is going to sting.

What is with you?

Nothing.

Usually you scream
like a stuck pig

when I put this stuff on.

You've been such a zombie lately.

It feels worse on the inside
than it does on my knee.

What are you talking about?

Mom, I can't stop feeling bad
about what I did to Kevin.

I feel like I have a monster
inside of me.

Oh, for crying out loud, Malcolm

that's no monster.

That's your conscience.

You should be thankful
God gave you one.

Yeah. It feels great.

I'm serious.

It's a gift.

And you know what
most people do with theirs?

They keep them in the closet

and bring them out

only when they think
he's coming to visit.

You're not like that.

Good for you.

But I can't stop
thinking about it.

Ow!

Were you thinking
about it just then?

No!

See? I promise

you will feel bad about Kevin

only as long
as you're supposed to.

Now, go to bed.

You're a nice boy, Malcolm

and I'll kick the conniption

out of anybody
who says you aren't

including that little voice
in your head.

Okay.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, sweetie.

Night, Dad.

Good night, son.