Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 3 - Home Alone 4 - full transcript

And then there's a big explosion
and lots of bubbles.

That's where babies come from.

(Laughing)

Oh, well, close enough.

I did the math once.

It turns out every 17.4 dinners

my family actually has
a pleasant meal together.

Hey, look at this.

I made a pea angel.

Oh, you're a pea angel.

Stop playing with your food.



(Laughs)

Oh, Mom...

Don't you dare.

Relax, I wasn't really going to.

Then don't.

I wasn't going to.

Then don't.

Well, don't accuse me of something
that I wasn't going to do.

Interesting mood shift.

It would take hours to explain
the psychology behind this.

So let me just put it this way:

Dynamite...

kid with matches.

You're going to throw that at Mom?



I wasn't going to.

Jeez Louise. Reese...

Hal, I can handle this.

Reese, I'm warning you.

I wasn't going to.

But if you think I would,
then maybe I should.

Oh, good.
Now he's panicking.

Just put the spoon down and apologize.

Okay, she gave him an out.

Apologize for what?
I wasn't going to do anything.

Just stop talking!
Just stop talking and let me think!

Dad, do something.

I got it.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm being cute and spontaneous?

(Laughs)

(Laughing)

Don't do it.

I wasn't going to.

Yep, this is a good dinner.

#Yes, no, maybe #

# I don't know #

# Can you repeat the question? #

#You're not the boss of me now #

#You're not the boss of me now #

#You're not the boss of me now #

#And you're not so big #

#You're not the boss of me now #

#You're not the boss of me now #

#You're not the boss of me now #

#And you're not so big #

# Life is unfair. #

(Bell Rings)

Malcolm.

Yeah?

Can I see you for a minute, please?

Ooh.

Teacher's favorite.

Teacher's pet.

"Dear... Penthouse..."

"Yesterday I pushed my friend Stevie
down some stairs."

Point... taken...

What?

Malcolm, I'm a little concerned.

You're doing very well in your studies,
but... I still sense

an emotional distance between us.

And I hate it.

I'd really like us to try to connect
on a deeper level.

Whoa. She is coming on to me.

I thought you were dating the janitor.

Who told you that?

God. One drink and...

Never mind.

What I am trying to say is,
I know your parents.

I know you have a colorful home life.

So, just remember if you ever
need anything at all...

a sympathetic ear,
a shoulder to cry on...

I want you to come to me.

Yeah. That's what I need...
another mom.

Okay. Great.

Thanks a lot.

Well, I got to go do the... thing.

And then I drew a robot, Francis.

But my crayon broke.

And then I had a Popsicle.

I mean, I had 12 Popsicles.

You like Popsicles, Francis?

Shut up, Dewey.
Stop bugging Francis.

I'm so glad you're home.

You don't know what it's like
dealing with these little kids all day.

It's the coolest thing.

It's the first time Francis
is home from military school.

Mom and Dad are going off
to some wedding

and Francis is in charge of us
for the whole weekend.

I can't believe how much I missed him.

Hey.

Hmph.

He's so great.

Boys! The number for the hotel
is on the counter.

I left money for pizza,
but I want a receipt and exact change.

Yep, that underwear
is going to wrinkle.

It's kind of nice having Francis
back in the house, don't you think?

- What?
- Nothing.

You're just cute
when you think you're being subtle.

Really?

Of course it's nice
having Francis home.

Well, it's been
a few months now.

Maybe it's time to,
you know, think about it.

I don't know. Maybe.

We'll see how he does this weekend.

God, I hate this hairdo.

I don't even know why I bother
trying to impress your family anymore.

They've always hated me.

Well, you are the one who stole
their little Hally away from them.

Better get moving.

And then it got away.

But I found another one,
but it died.

And then...

I said leave him alone,
you butt-munch.

Let me go.

Make me.

Guys, quit it.

Listen for a second.

I just heard Mom and Dad.

They're thinking about
letting Francis come home.

You serious?

Yeah. They want to see
how he does with us this weekend.

- Okay? So we can't screw up.
- Cool.

- Let's go tell him.
- No.

You know how Francis gets
when people tell him what to do.

I am warning you.

If you get your nose pierced,
you are going to military school.

And I mean it. Really.
Do you hear me?

Hey, Mom.

What's for dinner?

Right.

What are we going to do?

We're going to be good, that's what.

How do we be good?

I don't know.

Honestly,
it's never come up before.

Look, we're just not
going to do anything.

That way, we can't
get in any trouble.

Honey. We're late.
We better hit the road.

Fine. I'll shave my legs
in the car.

Okay.

I've marked the liquor bottles, and
we can taste when they're watered down.

I've locked out the smut channel,
counted your father's cigars.

I've checked the odometer on the car
and the balance on the credit cards.

We love you, have a good time.

And just remember, Dewey will tell us
everything you did while we're gone.

Uh, what your mother said, boys.

Minus one.

Don't even think about it.

Think about what?

She's bluffing.

Okay, I am going to show you guys
the coolest thing you have ever seen.

Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron
and one of Dewey's stuffed animals.

The furrier, the better.

Actually, we're kind of tired.

Tired?

Yeah. Tired.

I'm not tired.

Okay, yeah, I'm tired.

Let's just go watch TV.

Whatever.

This plan better work.

The only thing worse than no TV
is golf on TV.

Oh, come on, guys.
Let's go outside.

Let's go do something.

No. They're only
on the sixth hole.

They're only on the sixth hole.

(Telephone Rings)

Hello.

Francis, bud,
I heard you were in town.

You da man, Francis!

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Same old, same old, man.

Oh, Circus says hi.

Dude, you're not going to believe it.
Lfinally moved out.

I'm living in the basement now.
Total freedom, dude.

You da man, Francis!

Mom, you're supposed to knock.

Dude, we're coming over.

Okay. Hey, Richie and the guys
are coming over.

Maybe they shouldn't.

You know, Mom and Dad are gone.

Okay, got it.
Richie, listen to me.

I'm watching my brothers,
so we got to hang here.

And no parties okay?

I'm serious.

It's got to be just the three of you.

Huh. You wouldn't think only three guys
could do so much damage.

Call us next time you're in town.

You da man, Francis!

# Skyrockets in flight #

#Afternoon delight... #

Are you trying to seduce me?

I can't believe
we're going to this wedding.

What a waste of time.

Oh, come on,
I promise it'll be fun.

Hal, I'm not Dewey.

Sorry. But still, we're alone,
we're away from the kids.

Right now, we're just
two unencumbered consenting adults.

I say we enjoy it.

Yeah, you're right.

It will be nice to have some
time for just the two of us.

And I'm going to love not having
to yell at somebody every 20 seconds.

Either speed up or get
off the road, jackass!

Absolutely deserved it.

(Spitting):
I hate those guys.

Did you see Circus
break that cinder block with his head?

That's a good lesson for you guys.

It didn't break the first six times.
But did he quit trying? No, sir.

Francis, we have to clean this up.

Yeah.

No. I mean now.

If Mom and Dad see this
they'll freak.

So what else is new?
They always freak. I'm used to it.

This is different.
We have to clean up.

What's with you guys?
I'm in charge here.

I'm the only one who'll
get in trouble. Relax.

- But we want you to come home.
- What?

I heard Mom and Dad talking.

This weekend is like a test for you,
or a trap.

If you do good,
they may let you come home.

And if you don't, they're gonna toss
your butt back into military school.

Okay, look...

Francis, it sucks
around here without you.

Can't you just try for our sake?

Look, guys,
I appreciate your sentiment.

But they're not going
to decide my whole future

based on how I behave over one weekend
without even telling me about it.

It's too arbitrary.
It's unreasonable.

It's Mom.

Okay, let's clean up.

# I'm not done #

#And I won't be #

#Till my head falls off #

It's perfect.

The house has never
been this clean.

Uh-oh.

What?

It's too clean.

You're right.

They'll never buy it.

# I'm not done #

#And I won't be #

#Till my head falls off #

#Though that may not be
a long way off #

# I won't be done
until my head #

# Falls off #

Ah. Looks like we're the only ones
who gave them pot holders.

- Hi.
- Hi.

It's great to see you.

You, too. You look terrific.

How long do you think it's been?

I don't know.

Will you excuse me?

Well, that was worth
driving 600 miles for.

Who was that guy?

It's the groom, Hal.

I wish people would wear
name tags at these things.

Oh, perfect.

Nice touch with
the bread crumbs, Dewey.

Huh?

I clipped my toenails
on the coffee table.

Attaboy.
She will never know a thing.

Wait.

Ta-da!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Malcolm!
Malcolm, are you okay?

I think so.

Ow!!!

Hold still.

Come here and let me see it.

Let me see it.

How does it look?

Not... too bad.

Put his face back on!

Oh, man, what's that white stuff?

- Is that bone?
- What?!

Get ice and some paper towels.

We have to put pressure on it.

- Ow! Ow! Ow!
- I'm sorry.

I have to put pressure on it.

Reese, give me the ice!

We don't have any.
We've got this.

Fine. Give me some antiseptic.

(Phone Ringing)

Don't answer that.

Dewey:
Hello.

Lois:
Hi, Dewey.

Hi, Mom.

We're just calling to check in.
Let me speak with Francis.

He's...

in the bathroom.

Well, let me talk to Malcolm.

He's in the bathroom.

They're both in the bathroom?
What are they doing in there?

I have to go to the bathroom.

We have to get you stitches.

Let's go to the hospital.

No! You can't.

Mom and Dad will find out.

Malcolm, this is a head injury.
You could have a concussion.

Concussion?
I think he's making too much of this.

I'm not as figgled as he hoogers.

No!

I don't care.

I'm not going to the hospital.

Do you hear me?

There is no way that I...

Get the car!

I can't see anything.

You want to get blood
all over the car?

Wait! We can't take the car.

They'll know.

Mom checked the odometer, remember?

I'm on top of it.

Whee! Hi, school!

Oh, Malcolm, you should see this!

Francis is kicking ass!

(Radio Blasting)

I hate this '80s crap.

One good thing about a head injury:

There's a good chance
I won't remember any of this.

Oh, great. A one-way street.

How does that work
if I'm going backwards?

And on this joyous day,

as we celebrate the occasion
of two souls joining into one...

Do you think this is going to be
one of those long services?

What's wrong?

Did you know that your family
has given me a nickname?

Really? That's nice.
What is it?

Lois... Common... Denominator.

Hey, come on.

It's just that they've
never seen anyone like you.

I mean, you're,
you're honest, and, uh...

unpretentious.

Direct.

They're baffled by that.

I'm the only one that gets you, Lois,
and, frankly, I...

I like that.

Kind of makes you my secret treasure.

Oh, Hal.

...Between the Lord and us,

his servants, two people
brought together in love...

(Moaning Softly)

Oh, for God's sake.

You kids again?

And a head injury.

You boys like to
keep it interesting, don't you?

We kind of have a history here.

# I was in the right place #

# But it must have been
the wrong time #

#Thought I said the right thing #

# But it must have been
the wrong line #

# I was in the right world #

# But it seemed like it was
wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong #

Look, Doc, uh, about the bill...

Oh, don't worry.
We'll send it to your parents.

Yeah, well...

we were kind of thinking
we'd pay for it now.

Okeydokey, but it's probably
going to be about $400.

- What?!
- $400?

Don't you have a frequent customer
discount like at the car wash?

Or maybe we could work it off.

We could empty bedpans,
or wash cadavers.

It's probably not nearly as cool
as it sounds.

Sorry.

Well, we're screwed.

Come on, there's got to be something
we can do, someone we can call.

There's no one, Malcolm.

Actually, there might be,
but I'm not sure if it's worth it.

(Gasping):
Oh, Malcolm!

Are you all right?

Sorry it took me so long.

I was having a chardonnay when
you called, and I had to take a cab.

Oh, God, I knew we made
a deeper connection. I just knew it.

Now it's going to be hard
to turn against your parents,

but in time you'll see...

No! You don't understand.

My parents didn't do this.

It was just an accident,
and they can't find out about it.

What?

It's kind of complicated.

See, my parents
are away at a wedding,

and my brother is home
from military school to take care of us.

I don't think people should be punished
just 'cause their dad uses cheap nails.

We need $400, lady.

Will you let me talk?!

We need the money
for the doctor bill,

because if my parents
find out that I got hurt

then they'll send Francis away,
and we'll never see him again,

and, you know, we love him.

Malcolm, I can't do that.

But you said
if I ever needed anything...

Yes, I was talking
about emotional stuff.

I... Do you have any idea
what a teacher earns?

I have $62 in my checking account.

They take credit cards.

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm, I'm just sorry.

We can break her.

Guilt. Go for guilt.

I got it.

That's okay.

Thanks, anyway.

Well, squirt,

looks like I'm going to be
going back to military school

and I'm not going to see you
for a really, really long time.

But I need you to be brave.
Can you do that for me, squirt?

Stop, Francis!

I wish I could, kiddo,
but I can't.

(Dewey Crying)

- Why are you doing this?
- I'm not doing this, Dewey.

It's just the way life is sometimes.

(Dewey Crying)

Please stop crying.

- It hurts!
- I know it does. It hurts me too.

Wait! I'II, I'll do it.

I guess Jamaica
isn't going anywhere.

Where is my credit card?

- It fell out of your wallet.
- How did that happen?

Let's go.
Processing is right over here.

Right near the vending machines.
Do you have any change?

Thank you.

Way to take one for the team, buddy.

When we get home
you can eat ice cream until you puke.

(Still Sobbing):
Yay.

(Whooping And Laughing)

- (Groaning And Exclaiming)
- Hey! Ocupado!

Huh. Well...

I don't see any holes
or crappy attempts to plaster them up.

But I'm sure there's something.

There's always something.

What are you hiding
underneath that hat?

Nothing.
I was just wearing...

You boys.

That's it?!

So, you guys think Francis
did a good job taking care of us, then?

- Oh, a great job.
- Absolutely.

You know, Francis, we were having
our doubts about that school,

but it's really matured you.

In fact, I think
it's the best decision we ever made.

(Chuckling)

Mom: 62,437...

Kids: Zero.

So, we get to see Francis again
in a month or two.

I know. It sucks,
but we gave it a shot.

And school's easier now

because Caroline won't even
make eye contact with me anymore.

So it wasn't a complete waste,
and Mom always says

it's not a wasted experience
if you learn something from it.

And I definitely think I did.

Okay! Ready!