Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 2 - Red Dress - full transcript
When Lois finds her red anniversary dress burnt and in the toilet, she immediately suspects Reese, Dewey and Malcolm of foul play, and chases them all over the house to try and make them fess up, while Hal waits all night at the restaurant alone.
What'd you do?
What?
Don't give me that.
What'd you do?
Nothing.
Mom, I'm trying
to study.
Oh.
Then I'm sure
you don't mind if I, uh...
took a look in here.
Mom, I'm telling you.
We didn't do anything.
Oh, you boys are
up to something.
I can smell it.
If you've broken another window,
it is gonna come out of your...
Are you done?
You want to frisk me?
You just consider
yourselves lucky.
This time.
That was close.
Either she's losing her touch,
or we're getting better.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
The good thing
about being smart
is I never have to look up
any phone numbers.
The bad thing is
no one else in the family
ever bothers
to remember anything.
Hey, Francis, you told me
to remind you
about Mom and Dad's anniversary.
Ah, great.
When is that?
Today.
Dude, you're supposed
to remind me before
so that I can
get them something.
That's okay.
We'll put your name on our gift.
Cool. Thanks, man.
I owe you one.
No, you owe me 20.
That's what your share comes to.
You got 'em an $80 gift?
Uh...
Yeah.
Oh, Craig.
Happy anniversary.
16 wonderful years
to the same man.
That Hal is
one lucky hombre.
Craig, you
shouldn't have.
Oh, please.
Special gift
for a special lady
on a special day.
No, I mean, really,
you shouldn't have.
Aren't only husbands
supposed to give you gifts?
Fine, throw it
in the trash, then.
H-H-Hold on.
Well, let's see
what it is first.
Oh, look at...
I've been meaning
to try this color.
I know, I saw you eyeing it
a couple weeks ago.
I didn't know we
carried this brand.
We don't.
So where did you
see me...?
So, uh, big plans
for tonight?
What are you gonna
be wearing?
Oh, it's gonna
be great.
I have the most perfect
red dress, I...
Took me two months
to save up for it,
but it was worth it.
Oh, I've been fantasizing
about this night forever.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Craig?
Huh.
Yeah, uh, say, Lois,
uh, you...
y-you want to go catch a movie
or something over lunch?
Uh, they're playing
My Best Friend's Wedding
over in Electronics.
Mm, no, thanks.
I don't...
Fine, forget it.
I'm okay!
Are you boys almost finished
wrapping our present?!
I have to meet your father at
the restaurant in ten minutes!
More paper.
I get to do the bow.
Why'd she give you the
money to buy the gift?
Because she didn't want
another karate video.
It's "ka-ra-tay."
I get to do the bow.
What'd we get
them anyway?
Picture frame.
Brownnoser.
I get to do the bow.
We're not finished yet.
Yeah, but I get to do the bow.
Finished.
Finally.
No! I was supposed
to do the bow.
Well, you should
have said something.
I'm telling.
Mom...!
No...!
Fire?
Fire?
Fire?!
Mom! What's...?
This is the most stupid,
irresponsible,
dangerous thing
you have ever done!
Is this what you want?!
Where we have to identify
your charred little bodies
through their dental records?
I want a straight answer.
Who did this?!
Malcolm did it!
Reese did it!
I didn't do it!
I didn't do it!
We're going to the dentist?
Who?
I don't like
that one anyway.
No. No. Not that one.
♪ They turn me down,
they turn me down ♪
♪ They turn, they turn,
they turn, they turn ♪
♪ They, they,
they, they, they... ♪
Who?
It wasn't me.
It was him.
It was him,
it was him.
Okay. Into the hallway.
I think I'm gonna puke.
Yeah? Well, that's gonna be
the highlight of your evening,
because nobody is going anywhere
till one of you tells me who.
And everything's
all set up?
I believe so, sir.
Table seven?
Chateau Brut '87?
Hors d'oeuvres medley?
Yes, sir.
Ooh, geez.
One more thing.
I almost forgot.
See, uh, my wife
always orders lobster,
so could you have
the chef slip this
on the lobster's claw
just before you serve it?
She gets such a kick
out of stuff like that.
And so do I,
for that matter.
Not a problem, sir.
The violinist
has our song?
He received the sheet music
this morning.
Good. Good, good,
good, good.
You would be surprised
how many times
I've heard "Tears of a
Clown" just butchered.
Tell her.
You tell her.
Who?
Okay, okay, closer to the wall!
Wait, Mom, seriously,
it reeks over here.
I can't help it.
Okay, into the TV room.
Let's go.
♪ Come on... ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Come on... ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on... ♪
I'll give you $5
if you tell Mom you did it.
You tell her.
You did it, 'cause
I didn't do it.
I really didn't.
What are you eating?
Nothing.
Why don't you
guys shut up
so I can think
of something?
What's there
to think of?
There's nothing we can do.
I've never seen Mom so mad.
Me, either.
Reese is right.
We're out of our league.
There's only one person
who ever had Mom this mad
at them and survived.
Hello.
And she has your heads where?
Under the couch.
All because Reese
won't admit he did it.
You admit it.
I didn't do it.
Neither did I.
Liar.
Whoa, wh-whoa.
Chill. You are not gonna
get anywhere
fighting with each other.
Now, first of all,
you all burned the dress.
I didn't.
Hey, you all did it.
You have to stay together.
You have to stay united.
United against who?
My mom.
Nice.
Okay, now, no one broke so far,
so you should be proud
of yourselves.
Did she do the toy thing yet?
Yep.
- Spinning?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, good.
I think I know
where she's going.
Separate interviews.
Listen, when she gets you alone,
she's going to pretend
she's on your side.
She's not.
Go ahead.
It's a name brand.
I'm not mad at you.
I know you
didn't do this.
You're a good boy.
But I want you to help
me find out who did.
This is serious.
One of your brothers could
have burned the house down.
And for that, he will
be severely punished.
But the one who helps me
will be a very happy boy.
And I want that
to be you.
'Cause you've always
been the best one.
You've always been
the best one.
You have always
been the best one.
Mom, honestly,
I don't know who did it.
I don't know.
Don't know.
Well, I guess you boys think
you've got your old mom
over a barrel, huh?
Well, we'll just see about that.
If you boys
want to play,
we can play all night long.
Sir?
Mmm.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, can I have another
vodka martini, please?
Very good.
This time, let's go
olive, onion, olive.
Whatever.
W-What's that? I
can't hear you.
She's killing us!
♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪
♪ Don't be mean,
'cause mean is bad ♪
♪ Nice is better than mean ♪
♪ Hugs are good, thugs are bad ♪
♪ Don't be a thug... ♪
Why does she have to ruin
everything I love?!
Francis, I'm just going
to tell her I did it.
I know it wasn't me, but
anything is better than this!
Oh, God.
That is bad.
They tried that psych-ops
stuff on Noriega.
They said that
by the end,
he wanted to cut
his own ears off.
Malcolm, you cannot crack now.
She will own you
for the rest of your life.
Now, listen to me, Malcolm.
You have to do
exactly what I say.
♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪
♪ Don't be mean,
'cause mean is bad ♪
♪ Nice is better than mean ♪
♪ Hugs are good, thugs are bad ♪
♪ Don't be a thug,
'cause thugs are bad ♪
♪ Hugs are better than thugs ♪
♪ Smart is good... ♪
Did you see that?
Hey!
Francis is a genius!
Come on, sing louder!
♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪
♪ Don't be mean,
'cause mean is bad... ♪
Oh, this is so cute!
Oh, your grandmother
and all your friends
are just going to love this
at your next
birthday party.
You're kidding me.
Okay, just
hang in there.
Give me a minute
to think.
Damn, she's good.
Did they crack?
Nah, Dewey faked
a stomach cramp,
bought 'em some time.
Good man.
Man, if we would have had
your mom in 'Nam,
there'd be a McDonald's
in Hanoi Square right now.
Dude, there is a McDonald's
in Hanoi Square.
All right.
Franklin,
I'm ready to order.
Are you sure, sir?
Mm-hmm. See, in our family,
we have a saying.
"After an hour, eat without her.
If it's any longer,
something's wronger."
Very catchy, sir.
Well, when life
gives you lemons,
make lemonade, Franklin.
Do you have any lemonade?
No, sir.
Oh.
You have lemons?
Yes, sir.
Well, throw one
in another martini
and let's hear
those specials.
What's she doing?
Can't tell.
Maybe she left.
Yeah, I'm sure she's gone
out to buy us all presents.
Hooray.
Man, it's just
too quiet out there.
It's driving me crazy.
Maybe we should sing some more.
Shut up, Dewey.
I wonder how many holes
are up in those tiles.
186,480.
You counted all those?
No, you just count one tile's
holes, across and down,
multiply it, then multiply it
again by the number of tiles.
You're doing that more and more.
Doing what?
That brain thing.
Are you just going to keep
getting smarter and weirder?
I don't know.
Well, can you tone it down
a little bit?
'Cause I can't keep up
with all these butt-kickings.
What are you talking about?
Well, at least twice a day
I have to whoop-ass
on some kid
calling you a weirdo.
Honestly, it's exhausting.
You beat up people
'cause they call me a weirdo?
Well, the last kid,
he was a freak anyways.
He was in no position
to throw out names.
Thanks.
For what?
Nothing.
Hey.
What am I thinking right now?
I'm smart; I'm
not psychic.
Can you understand
what dogs are saying?
No.
I can.
Oh, boys.
I don't know who put you up to
this sticking-together garbage,
but I don't like it.
Therefore, you have forced me
to do something terrible.
Say good-bye to a cherished
family member.
- Who?!
- No!
No!
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Don't you dare.
And don't move a muscle.
Hi, Lois.
Look, Ed, uh, it's 9:00.
I'm a little busy right now.
Well, you see,
there's the problem.
It's 9:00 at night, and I
keep hearing screaming.
Now, this didn't sound
like your normal screaming.
It-it was more like
killing-screaming.
I'm not one
to complain...
That's why we like you.
In your room...
now.
Nice place
you got here.
Thank you, sir.
I like to create
an atmosphere.
Did you enjoy your meal, sir?
Well, if you can call
four olives, two onions
and a whole lot
of alcohol a meal,
then, yes.
Very good, sir.
Uh...
What have you got in
the cologne department?
Um, were you looking
for anything in particular?
Well, I've been thinking
about a signature scent.
Uh-huh.
You see, I-I'd like to leave
a room and have people say,
"Boy, smells like
Hal in here."
Mmm?
But in a nice way.
Yeah.
Right.
Uh, let's see... you...
You strike me as a...
sandalwood.
Sandalwood, huh?
Sandalwood.
Let's give it a
smell-see, shall we?
Eh?
Yes.
That's quite nice.
Hit me.
Here we go.
Oh, that's... that
is quite nice.
Ooh!
You do a service
to your craft, sir.
This man is a genius.
Snooty bastard.
You'd think this place would
be the great equalizer, huh?
You know, even a king
looks like a fool
when he's answering
nature's call, am I right?
Of course I'm right.
Well, it's been
a pleasure.
Oh.
Sorry.
Have a good evening.
Uh, sir?
Yes.
Thank you for making
eye contact with me.
Boys, I just, I don't know
what to do anymore.
I don't want to punish anyone.
All I want is the truth.
I don't know
how things got this far,
but I just want it to stop.
Nah, they'll never buy it.
Oh, my God, Hal.
They saved the TV.
Beautiful work,
beautiful!
You have her exactly where you
want her-- totally crazy.
Now it's time
to take the offensive.
The offensive?
Exactly. She won't...
Wait a minute.
Did you hear breathing?
What?
Mom?
Malcolm.
Would you hang up
the phone, please?
Hi, Mom.
Happy anniversary.
Not good. Not good.
What is it? What?!
Mom! Phone!
Oh! Oh, man. Oh, man.
We're gonna die!
That's it.
I got to run away.
Oh. Wait!
We can get
out of this.
You have to use
that brain of yours.
Think.
Think!
All I can think about
is how hard he's
twisting my nipple.
Ow!
Okay.
Think. Think.
I got it.
Mmm, here it is.
That's our song.
Not our song.
No, no, not...
Can I have...?
Another one...
I cannot believe you, Francis.
You think you are so clever
turning them against me,
don't you?
No, Mom.
We did not send you
to Marlin Academy
so that you could undermine
my authority long-distance.
Well, why did you send me?
Well, it-it was not
so that you could undermine
my authority.
And if I am not mistaken,
you are undermining
my authority!
What are you doing?
Y-You're spending
your anniversary at home,
fixating on a stupid dress.
Is that what
you wanted tonight?
What am I supposed to do,
Francis? Let it go?
Yes, that is exactly
what you should do.
Let it go.
But you can't, 'cause you can
never let anything go.
I can, too, let things go.
Fine...
I can...
Fine.
I can!
Okay, just forget
I said anything.
I cannot talk to you anymore.
Ooh, you make me so mad.
Sometimes I just want
to break your neck.
Did you get
the cookies I sent you?
Yeah, they were great.
Good.
I swear to God, on paper,
this was a great idea.
All right, that's it.
Get dressed--
we're going to dinner.
Oh, my God, it did work.
What?
Dinner.
I won't have you boys
starving to death.
Last thing I need is a bunch
of social workers and reporters
tearing up the front lawn.
Now, hurry up before
I change my mind.
What about the dress?
I really liked that dress.
Hey, thanks for the ride, Tony.
Anytime, Hal!
Hello!
Honey?
Boys?
Anybody home?
Hotcha!
This evening just keeps getting
better and better.
Hmm.
Oh! No, no.
Okay, okay.
Geez, oh...
Not again.
What?
Don't give me that.
What'd you do?
Nothing.
Mom, I'm trying
to study.
Oh.
Then I'm sure
you don't mind if I, uh...
took a look in here.
Mom, I'm telling you.
We didn't do anything.
Oh, you boys are
up to something.
I can smell it.
If you've broken another window,
it is gonna come out of your...
Are you done?
You want to frisk me?
You just consider
yourselves lucky.
This time.
That was close.
Either she's losing her touch,
or we're getting better.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
The good thing
about being smart
is I never have to look up
any phone numbers.
The bad thing is
no one else in the family
ever bothers
to remember anything.
Hey, Francis, you told me
to remind you
about Mom and Dad's anniversary.
Ah, great.
When is that?
Today.
Dude, you're supposed
to remind me before
so that I can
get them something.
That's okay.
We'll put your name on our gift.
Cool. Thanks, man.
I owe you one.
No, you owe me 20.
That's what your share comes to.
You got 'em an $80 gift?
Uh...
Yeah.
Oh, Craig.
Happy anniversary.
16 wonderful years
to the same man.
That Hal is
one lucky hombre.
Craig, you
shouldn't have.
Oh, please.
Special gift
for a special lady
on a special day.
No, I mean, really,
you shouldn't have.
Aren't only husbands
supposed to give you gifts?
Fine, throw it
in the trash, then.
H-H-Hold on.
Well, let's see
what it is first.
Oh, look at...
I've been meaning
to try this color.
I know, I saw you eyeing it
a couple weeks ago.
I didn't know we
carried this brand.
We don't.
So where did you
see me...?
So, uh, big plans
for tonight?
What are you gonna
be wearing?
Oh, it's gonna
be great.
I have the most perfect
red dress, I...
Took me two months
to save up for it,
but it was worth it.
Oh, I've been fantasizing
about this night forever.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Craig?
Huh.
Yeah, uh, say, Lois,
uh, you...
y-you want to go catch a movie
or something over lunch?
Uh, they're playing
My Best Friend's Wedding
over in Electronics.
Mm, no, thanks.
I don't...
Fine, forget it.
I'm okay!
Are you boys almost finished
wrapping our present?!
I have to meet your father at
the restaurant in ten minutes!
More paper.
I get to do the bow.
Why'd she give you the
money to buy the gift?
Because she didn't want
another karate video.
It's "ka-ra-tay."
I get to do the bow.
What'd we get
them anyway?
Picture frame.
Brownnoser.
I get to do the bow.
We're not finished yet.
Yeah, but I get to do the bow.
Finished.
Finally.
No! I was supposed
to do the bow.
Well, you should
have said something.
I'm telling.
Mom...!
No...!
Fire?
Fire?
Fire?!
Mom! What's...?
This is the most stupid,
irresponsible,
dangerous thing
you have ever done!
Is this what you want?!
Where we have to identify
your charred little bodies
through their dental records?
I want a straight answer.
Who did this?!
Malcolm did it!
Reese did it!
I didn't do it!
I didn't do it!
We're going to the dentist?
Who?
I don't like
that one anyway.
No. No. Not that one.
♪ They turn me down,
they turn me down ♪
♪ They turn, they turn,
they turn, they turn ♪
♪ They, they,
they, they, they... ♪
Who?
It wasn't me.
It was him.
It was him,
it was him.
Okay. Into the hallway.
I think I'm gonna puke.
Yeah? Well, that's gonna be
the highlight of your evening,
because nobody is going anywhere
till one of you tells me who.
And everything's
all set up?
I believe so, sir.
Table seven?
Chateau Brut '87?
Hors d'oeuvres medley?
Yes, sir.
Ooh, geez.
One more thing.
I almost forgot.
See, uh, my wife
always orders lobster,
so could you have
the chef slip this
on the lobster's claw
just before you serve it?
She gets such a kick
out of stuff like that.
And so do I,
for that matter.
Not a problem, sir.
The violinist
has our song?
He received the sheet music
this morning.
Good. Good, good,
good, good.
You would be surprised
how many times
I've heard "Tears of a
Clown" just butchered.
Tell her.
You tell her.
Who?
Okay, okay, closer to the wall!
Wait, Mom, seriously,
it reeks over here.
I can't help it.
Okay, into the TV room.
Let's go.
♪ Come on... ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Come on... ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on... ♪
I'll give you $5
if you tell Mom you did it.
You tell her.
You did it, 'cause
I didn't do it.
I really didn't.
What are you eating?
Nothing.
Why don't you
guys shut up
so I can think
of something?
What's there
to think of?
There's nothing we can do.
I've never seen Mom so mad.
Me, either.
Reese is right.
We're out of our league.
There's only one person
who ever had Mom this mad
at them and survived.
Hello.
And she has your heads where?
Under the couch.
All because Reese
won't admit he did it.
You admit it.
I didn't do it.
Neither did I.
Liar.
Whoa, wh-whoa.
Chill. You are not gonna
get anywhere
fighting with each other.
Now, first of all,
you all burned the dress.
I didn't.
Hey, you all did it.
You have to stay together.
You have to stay united.
United against who?
My mom.
Nice.
Okay, now, no one broke so far,
so you should be proud
of yourselves.
Did she do the toy thing yet?
Yep.
- Spinning?
- Uh-uh.
Okay, good.
I think I know
where she's going.
Separate interviews.
Listen, when she gets you alone,
she's going to pretend
she's on your side.
She's not.
Go ahead.
It's a name brand.
I'm not mad at you.
I know you
didn't do this.
You're a good boy.
But I want you to help
me find out who did.
This is serious.
One of your brothers could
have burned the house down.
And for that, he will
be severely punished.
But the one who helps me
will be a very happy boy.
And I want that
to be you.
'Cause you've always
been the best one.
You've always been
the best one.
You have always
been the best one.
Mom, honestly,
I don't know who did it.
I don't know.
Don't know.
Well, I guess you boys think
you've got your old mom
over a barrel, huh?
Well, we'll just see about that.
If you boys
want to play,
we can play all night long.
Sir?
Mmm.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, can I have another
vodka martini, please?
Very good.
This time, let's go
olive, onion, olive.
Whatever.
W-What's that? I
can't hear you.
She's killing us!
♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪
♪ Don't be mean,
'cause mean is bad ♪
♪ Nice is better than mean ♪
♪ Hugs are good, thugs are bad ♪
♪ Don't be a thug... ♪
Why does she have to ruin
everything I love?!
Francis, I'm just going
to tell her I did it.
I know it wasn't me, but
anything is better than this!
Oh, God.
That is bad.
They tried that psych-ops
stuff on Noriega.
They said that
by the end,
he wanted to cut
his own ears off.
Malcolm, you cannot crack now.
She will own you
for the rest of your life.
Now, listen to me, Malcolm.
You have to do
exactly what I say.
♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪
♪ Don't be mean,
'cause mean is bad ♪
♪ Nice is better than mean ♪
♪ Hugs are good, thugs are bad ♪
♪ Don't be a thug,
'cause thugs are bad ♪
♪ Hugs are better than thugs ♪
♪ Smart is good... ♪
Did you see that?
Hey!
Francis is a genius!
Come on, sing louder!
♪ Nice is good, mean is bad ♪
♪ Don't be mean,
'cause mean is bad... ♪
Oh, this is so cute!
Oh, your grandmother
and all your friends
are just going to love this
at your next
birthday party.
You're kidding me.
Okay, just
hang in there.
Give me a minute
to think.
Damn, she's good.
Did they crack?
Nah, Dewey faked
a stomach cramp,
bought 'em some time.
Good man.
Man, if we would have had
your mom in 'Nam,
there'd be a McDonald's
in Hanoi Square right now.
Dude, there is a McDonald's
in Hanoi Square.
All right.
Franklin,
I'm ready to order.
Are you sure, sir?
Mm-hmm. See, in our family,
we have a saying.
"After an hour, eat without her.
If it's any longer,
something's wronger."
Very catchy, sir.
Well, when life
gives you lemons,
make lemonade, Franklin.
Do you have any lemonade?
No, sir.
Oh.
You have lemons?
Yes, sir.
Well, throw one
in another martini
and let's hear
those specials.
What's she doing?
Can't tell.
Maybe she left.
Yeah, I'm sure she's gone
out to buy us all presents.
Hooray.
Man, it's just
too quiet out there.
It's driving me crazy.
Maybe we should sing some more.
Shut up, Dewey.
I wonder how many holes
are up in those tiles.
186,480.
You counted all those?
No, you just count one tile's
holes, across and down,
multiply it, then multiply it
again by the number of tiles.
You're doing that more and more.
Doing what?
That brain thing.
Are you just going to keep
getting smarter and weirder?
I don't know.
Well, can you tone it down
a little bit?
'Cause I can't keep up
with all these butt-kickings.
What are you talking about?
Well, at least twice a day
I have to whoop-ass
on some kid
calling you a weirdo.
Honestly, it's exhausting.
You beat up people
'cause they call me a weirdo?
Well, the last kid,
he was a freak anyways.
He was in no position
to throw out names.
Thanks.
For what?
Nothing.
Hey.
What am I thinking right now?
I'm smart; I'm
not psychic.
Can you understand
what dogs are saying?
No.
I can.
Oh, boys.
I don't know who put you up to
this sticking-together garbage,
but I don't like it.
Therefore, you have forced me
to do something terrible.
Say good-bye to a cherished
family member.
- Who?!
- No!
No!
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Don't you dare.
And don't move a muscle.
Hi, Lois.
Look, Ed, uh, it's 9:00.
I'm a little busy right now.
Well, you see,
there's the problem.
It's 9:00 at night, and I
keep hearing screaming.
Now, this didn't sound
like your normal screaming.
It-it was more like
killing-screaming.
I'm not one
to complain...
That's why we like you.
In your room...
now.
Nice place
you got here.
Thank you, sir.
I like to create
an atmosphere.
Did you enjoy your meal, sir?
Well, if you can call
four olives, two onions
and a whole lot
of alcohol a meal,
then, yes.
Very good, sir.
Uh...
What have you got in
the cologne department?
Um, were you looking
for anything in particular?
Well, I've been thinking
about a signature scent.
Uh-huh.
You see, I-I'd like to leave
a room and have people say,
"Boy, smells like
Hal in here."
Mmm?
But in a nice way.
Yeah.
Right.
Uh, let's see... you...
You strike me as a...
sandalwood.
Sandalwood, huh?
Sandalwood.
Let's give it a
smell-see, shall we?
Eh?
Yes.
That's quite nice.
Hit me.
Here we go.
Oh, that's... that
is quite nice.
Ooh!
You do a service
to your craft, sir.
This man is a genius.
Snooty bastard.
You'd think this place would
be the great equalizer, huh?
You know, even a king
looks like a fool
when he's answering
nature's call, am I right?
Of course I'm right.
Well, it's been
a pleasure.
Oh.
Sorry.
Have a good evening.
Uh, sir?
Yes.
Thank you for making
eye contact with me.
Boys, I just, I don't know
what to do anymore.
I don't want to punish anyone.
All I want is the truth.
I don't know
how things got this far,
but I just want it to stop.
Nah, they'll never buy it.
Oh, my God, Hal.
They saved the TV.
Beautiful work,
beautiful!
You have her exactly where you
want her-- totally crazy.
Now it's time
to take the offensive.
The offensive?
Exactly. She won't...
Wait a minute.
Did you hear breathing?
What?
Mom?
Malcolm.
Would you hang up
the phone, please?
Hi, Mom.
Happy anniversary.
Not good. Not good.
What is it? What?!
Mom! Phone!
Oh! Oh, man. Oh, man.
We're gonna die!
That's it.
I got to run away.
Oh. Wait!
We can get
out of this.
You have to use
that brain of yours.
Think.
Think!
All I can think about
is how hard he's
twisting my nipple.
Ow!
Okay.
Think. Think.
I got it.
Mmm, here it is.
That's our song.
Not our song.
No, no, not...
Can I have...?
Another one...
I cannot believe you, Francis.
You think you are so clever
turning them against me,
don't you?
No, Mom.
We did not send you
to Marlin Academy
so that you could undermine
my authority long-distance.
Well, why did you send me?
Well, it-it was not
so that you could undermine
my authority.
And if I am not mistaken,
you are undermining
my authority!
What are you doing?
Y-You're spending
your anniversary at home,
fixating on a stupid dress.
Is that what
you wanted tonight?
What am I supposed to do,
Francis? Let it go?
Yes, that is exactly
what you should do.
Let it go.
But you can't, 'cause you can
never let anything go.
I can, too, let things go.
Fine...
I can...
Fine.
I can!
Okay, just forget
I said anything.
I cannot talk to you anymore.
Ooh, you make me so mad.
Sometimes I just want
to break your neck.
Did you get
the cookies I sent you?
Yeah, they were great.
Good.
I swear to God, on paper,
this was a great idea.
All right, that's it.
Get dressed--
we're going to dinner.
Oh, my God, it did work.
What?
Dinner.
I won't have you boys
starving to death.
Last thing I need is a bunch
of social workers and reporters
tearing up the front lawn.
Now, hurry up before
I change my mind.
What about the dress?
I really liked that dress.
Hey, thanks for the ride, Tony.
Anytime, Hal!
Hello!
Honey?
Boys?
Anybody home?
Hotcha!
This evening just keeps getting
better and better.
Hmm.
Oh! No, no.
Okay, okay.
Geez, oh...
Not again.