Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Malcolm has been labeled a boy genius and is moved, much to his chagrin, into the Krelboyne class, which is a class full of nerds and geniuses like himself.
This is the world--
196 million square miles.
If I covered 100 square miles
an hour
every hour
for the rest of my life
I'd still only see half of it.
This is the left nostril
of my brother Reese.
It squeaks all night long.
These are
the freezing cold feet
of my little brother... Dewey.
This is my oldest brother
Francis.
He's the one I really like
so, of course, he got sent
to military school.
My name is Malcolm.
You want to know
what the best thing
about childhood is?
At some point, it stops.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss of me now
and you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
♪ It's your thing ♪
♪ Do what you wanna do... ♪
Malcolm, Reese, Dewey,
get in here!
♪ I can't tell you
who to sock it to ♪
♪ Who to sock it to... ♪
No, stop!
I'm not touching...
There's only two
toaster waffles.
One of you has
to have cereal.
It's mine!
Come on!
Give it!
You cheated!
Give it! Give it!
Huh, look at this.
They're sending
an unmanned
probe to Venus
and letting a bunch of
schoolchildren name it.
Well, that's going
to end badly.
They do this every month.
He has sensitive skin.
The hair gets itchy
under his clothes.
It always seems
like such a shame
to just dump this
in the trash.
Maybe birds would like
to make nests with it
or, I don't know, maybe
you boys could use it
for school projects.
Arms up.
Malcolm, come right home
from school.
Dude.
Malcolm, you come right home
from school today.
I made a play date for you
with Stevie Kenarban
and you have
to take a bath.
What? Mom, no!
Malcolm
has a play date?!
Shut up, Reese!
With Stevie "The
Wheelie" Kenarban?
Oh, man!
Why is playing
a problem for you?
First off,
I don't even know Stevie.
I saw his mother
at the grocery story. She said
you boys ate lunch together.
One time.
He rolled his wheelchair
over next to me.
It's not like
I couldn't say, "go away."
He's not even
in my class.
He's in the Krelboyne class
in the trailer
next to tetherball.
You listen to me,
young man.
That one lunch obviously
meant a lot to Stevie.
He's a human being
with human feelings.
Now, you are going
to be friends with
that crippled boy
and you are going
to like it. Understood?
Yes, ma'am. Understood.
If I give up now,
I won't get the lecture.
You kids...
Dang.
You just take your legs
for granted, you know?
Like nothing could
ever happen to them.
Well, let me tell you something.
That is just
wishful thinking.
There's meningitis.
There are car accidents.
I could be giving
you a spanking
and accidentally snap
your spinal cord.
Every day is a lottery
and first prize
is that you don't have to scoot
yourself around town on
a skateboard with your hands.
You think about that.
I don't take my legs
for granted, Mom.
I know, honey,
you're a good boy.
Stop playing with yourself.
Go on, just go.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, okay, okay,
I ran out of ham.
One of you has
to have egg salad, okay?
And don't ditch
your little brother.
I don't want him
getting kidnapped.
Yeah, Mom, that
would be terrible.
It's your turn
to walk with him.
I walked him yesterday
and the day before.
I walked with him
when he wet his pants.
Okay.
Mom said to hold hands.
She did not say
to hold hands, Dewey.
I'm not holding hands.
Come on, hold hands. Please?
No! You're in
the first grade.
You're too big for that.
Look, I'm walking
right next to you.
You'll be fine.
Damn it! This is why
everyone teases you.
Hey, Malcolm.
Hey, Richard.
So my mom was telling
my dad last night
about your brother.
She said he's in jail.
He's not in jail.
He's at Marlin Academy.
It's, like, one of the
best private schools
in the country
and it's totally unfair.
Everyone acts like Francis
is just this big troublemaker
and he's not.
Dad, I know
what you're going to say
and believe me,
I totally agree with you.
There is no excuse
for what I did.
It was idiotic, immature,
totally reckless
and I'm really sorry.
I'm just...
I'm hoping against hope
that you will give me
another chance, which, I admit
I don't deserve
but if you could just
find it in your heart
to forgive me
I know I could earn
your trust back.
It's not like it
was even our car.
Spath, Spath, Spath!
Spath:
All right,
Here's how it works.
You can beg for mercy
on your belly
lick the bottom
of my shoes
or take a beating.
You must pick at least two
but... but-but,
if you pick three
you get a pass
for the next two weeks.
All right?
Now, that's your best value.
Dave Spath.
He never gets sent anywhere.
What do you do
if he catches you?
Roll in a ball.
What if he starts
kicking you?
Stay in a ball.
Okay. Come on.
Wait.
Never mind.
Those of you finished
with your tempera paints
may bring your work up here
and start on
your charcoal still lifes.
You may take
two pieces of
fruit only
and please be careful with them.
I bought them with my own money.
My own money.
God, Malcolm, that's so good.
Oh, Malcolm,
this is wonderful.
The perspective
is good.
The composition is clean
and it even shows signs
of actual technique.
I have to say
this is the high
point of my day.
How's that for sad?
Are you okay?
Um, yeah, I'm fine.
Malcolm.
What?
They need to see you
in the office.
Okay.
I think they mean right now.
Okay.
Get up, Malcolm.
Hi. I'm Caroline.
Want to have a seat?
Are you Malcolm?
Yes, and I didn't
do anything.
You're not in trouble, Malcolm.
You're here
'cause some of your teachers
think you're, um...
you know what?
I just want to play
some games with you.
Okay? Puzzles,
stuff like that.
Why?
Boy, oh, boy
you are a suspicious
little dickens, aren't you?
Okay. Now, you can look
at this picture for 60 seconds
and I want you to tell me
everything that's wrong
with it, okay?
The man only has
four fingers.
Right, but this time
I want you to take your time
and really look...
The car shadow's
going the wrong way,
the steering wheel's
on the wrong side,
there's no
brake pedal,
the words in the mirror
should be backwards,
the guy's watch
wouldn't say 12:00
if he's looking at a sunset
and I have red paint on my ass.
That's right.
Red paint all over my ass!
♪ I'm coming home,
I've done my time... ♪
These are good cookies.
Yeah... they're good.
♪ If you received my letter
telling you... ♪
So what can you do?
I mean,
what do you want to do?
I know... a joke.
Yeah? Okay.
A guy...
goes into...
a bar...
and he...
has a... frog
on his...
Frog on his head.
And the... bartender...
Wait, I screwed up.
A frog...
goes into... a bar.
You want to watch TV?
Can't. Not allowed.
What? You mean, ever?
Mom says...
TV makes you...
stupid.
No, TV makes you normal.
How can they do that?
He's in a wheelchair.
So what do you do
all day, homework?
Mostly... read... comics.
You have comic books?
Whoa!
You really have
Youngblood, number one?
Want to... read it?
No way. I'd wreck it.
Oh... did you read
the last Savage Dragon
when they split him in two?
Yeah. Brilliant.
I like how he never has
to learn a lesson or anything.
He just gets to
pound on everyone.
You're under galactic arrest.
Think again, space flatfoot.
You cannot escape.
Saturday morning
is the only thing
my family does better
than anyone else.
Damn!
You boys,
you keep this house clean
till your dad comes home.
Two of you can have
slices of pizza for lunch.
The other one can have...
I don't know.
I think they're peas.
Somebody get that.
Not it.
Not it.
Hello.
Young master Malcolm.
Francis, hi.
Hey, man,
I wrote you guys
a really long letter yesterday,
but, listen, they only gave me,
like, three minutes,
so would you put
the special prosecutor on?
Mom, it's Francis.
Hey, Francis, how's school?
Oh, couldn't be better, Mom.
My new roommate showed me
how to kill mice
with a hammer yesterday,
so, you know, between that
and the general atmosphere
of simmering homoeroticism,
I think I'm really starting
to turn around.
Honey, it's only until summer.
Come on, push it!
Give it up,
prom date.
Yeah, listen, um...
I know I shouldn't ask,
but would you be able
to send me my allowance,
like, a couple weeks early
'cause I kind of need some...?
Oh, my God! Are you smoking?
What?
I can hear you smoking.
You're smoking, aren't you?
Mom, I'm not smoking. Geez.
After seeing the anguish
your father and I
went through to quit,
didn't any of that
register with you?
Okay, listen.
I'll talk to your dad.
Maybe we can send you
part of it.
Honey, I have to go.
I'm late for work.
I'll call you later.
Okay, thanks, Mom. I love you.
Oh... I love you.
Somebody get the door!
I'm not getting it.
You get it, butt-munch.
Shut up.
You shut up.
No, you shut up!
Make me!
I'll make you right now!
You'd better not be fighting
in there, Reese, Malcolm.
Not my face!
I said you'd better not
be fighting in...
For crying out loud.
Reese! Malcolm!
Yes. Can I help you?
Oh. My good... um, hi.
Hel... hello. I'm....
Are you...? I'm...
Caroline Miller
from Malcolm's school.
I sent you some letters
and left some messages
on your answering machine.
Okay, fine. You caught me.
What do you want?
Um... well, it's
been three weeks
and you haven't responded,
and it's really important,
I mean, well,
for Malcolm's sake
that the parents be
as involved in...
So, what, you're here to insult
my parenting skills?
No. I'm sure you're
a terrific parent.
I'm here because I think
that there is a tremendous
opportunity for...
Could you, you know,
maybe put a top on?
They're just boobs, lady.
You see them in a mirror
every morning.
And I'm sure yours
are a lot nicer than mine.
That's actually not...
You know what?
I'm gonna tell you
something else.
The reason I didn't respond
is because it is
a load of crap.
What?
You are not going
to stick my Malcolm
in some special ed class.
What is it
with you people?
Why do you feel you have
to label everybody?
Malcolm may be a little strange,
and, I know, I know,
he never shuts up,
but he is not disturbed.
You know, he is a good boy...
Please!
You know what? You don't
understand at all, okay?
So if I could just
come in for a minute,
I could explain
everything, okay?
Ow! Ow! Ow!
It's good, hon.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's something
we have to talk about.
I thought we weren't going
to mention Aunt Helen
till after the biopsy.
It's not that.
It's about Malcolm.
I didn't do it.
Yes, he did.
I saw him.
A teacher
from school came by
and she ran
some tests with Malcolm.
He has an IQ of 165.
Who?
Malcolm. He's a genius.
He's going
to a special class.
What?
Malcolm's special?
Where do you think
that came from?
They have a special program
for gifted children.
They have advanced textbooks
and devoted teachers
and all sorts of good things
they don't want to waste
on normal kids.
You start on Monday.
You're going to put him
in the Krelboyne class?
Mom, no! I don't want to!
What are you talking about?
Of course you want to.
No. I want to stay
in my own class.
I don't want to be a Krelboyne.
Mom, seriously, Krelboynes
get their butts kicked.
Just stop one minute.
There's nothing wrong
with being smart.
And there's nothing wrong
with being cut from the herd.
It makes you the one buffalo
that isn't there
when the Indians run
the rest of them off the cliff.
Huh?
Mom, this isn't fair!
If I don't want to go,
why do I have to?
Because it's not
just up to you.
We have to do
what's best for you.
Mom, please!
Don't make me go!
Please!
Malcolm, calm down.
But it isn't fair!
That's right.
It isn't fair.
It's the first time
anyone in this family
has ever been given an edge,
and you are not
going to waste it.
Dad?
Honey?
Well... look, honey...
Malcolm, you see...
Oh, for crying out loud.
How come there's never
any iced tea in this pitcher?
I make a fresh batch
every morning;
it's gone
by the time I get home.
I want a better family!
Malcolm...
Look at that.
Gone.
I don't want to go
to a special class.
People think I'm
weird enough already.
I know.
I like where I am.
I want to stay.
Sweetie, life does
not give you
a lot of chances to move up,
even if you deserve it.
Look at your dad and me.
Malcolm, I'm proud of you.
You boys are so lucky.
You have so many gifts
that other kids don't have.
And I just don't mean
Stevie Kenarban, either.
I mean, look at those
Parker boys across the street.
They may be healthy,
but honest to God,
those are the ugliest
little boys ever born.
They look like boiled beets,
don't you think?
And those Henderson kids?
That electrocuted their dog
when they were trying
to get free cable.
How smart can they be?
Just remember,
any kid who makes fun of you
is a creepy little loser
who'll end up working
in a car wash.
This shouldn't make me
feel better, but it does.
You'll be all right, sweetie.
If you don't make
a big deal out of this,
nobody else will either.
And I just can't say enough
about how proud
we should all be of Malcolm
for getting into
the gifted program.
Now, Malcolm may not look
different than the rest of us,
but he is.
Very different.
In his brain.
And I think we should
recognize him for that.
Bye.
All righty,
today we are starting
a new section
on the Peloponnesian War,
which I know
you are all going to love.
Malcolm?
Are you okay?
Uh, yeah. Fine.
All right.
Excuse me.
Stop staring at me!
Why do they keep
doing that?
You're new.
Oh, great.
So I'm the freak
of the freak show?
Just... chill out.
Don't tell me
to chill out.
You chill out.
Nobody can live
like this.
I'm okay.
Oh, sure.
You're okay because it doesn't
make any difference to you.
You've always been a freak.
I used to be normal.
Wait. Who just
said that?
You're going to take that
the wrong way, aren't you?
You...
suck.
It's so cool!
Around here, being smart is
exactly like being radioactive.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Stevie?
What?
Look,
I...
Score!
Hey, Spath!
Why don't you stop
being such a butt-wipe?!
Ooh.
What'd you call me?
You heard me!
I don't care anymore!
I just don't care,
Spath, okay?
Alls you ever do is make
everybody miserable!
Except for your little
monkey-slaves over there.
Who, by the way,
only pretend to like you.
They hate you as much
as everyone else does!
And you're just too busy
being mean and stupid
to ever figure it out!
I keep trying to run,
but my legs won't work.
Mom was right,
they are important.
Wow.
I don't know about you,
but the Krelboyne
really hurt my feelings.
Hey...
Go away, Stevie.
It's good you
two are friends.
He won't mind sharing
his wheelchair.
Okay, this is where something
good happens, finally.
So we're going to slow down
and make it last
as long as possible.
♪ The possible dream ♪
♪ Finale of scenes ♪
♪ The moment
that some call eternal ♪
♪ That some call insane. ♪
Dude, you hit a cripple.
I didn't mean to...
I wasn't trying...
Stevie, I'm sorry!
Ow...
Aah...
Ow!
What's your problem?
I mean, he's in a wheelchair
and he has glasses.
Do you know how
bad that looks?
What's your problem?
♪ I've seen better days ♪
♪ I've been a star of many... ♪
So then, the principal comes out
and everyone's all
talking at once.
So the story he puts together
is that Spath attacks Stevie
for his lunch,
and I'm like this hero
that stepped in to defend him.
It was beautiful.
Okay, it wasn't funny
when Spath started crying.
No, wait, it was.
Dad's hair... ugh.
Yeah, I know. It's gross.
But, hey, if a bunch of birds
can make the best
out of what they get,
- then so can I.
- Malcolm?
Like having to
go to special
class.
I can make it
work out,
right?
Malcolm?
Not now!
Or my
family.
We're not
the greatest
family in
the world,
but we can get
better.
I mean, it's
not
impossible.
Malcolm?
What?!
Can I get out?
No! Stop asking!
So, basically, I
think
everything's
going to be okay.
A bug went up my nose.
So what do
you want me
to do about
it?
196 million square miles.
If I covered 100 square miles
an hour
every hour
for the rest of my life
I'd still only see half of it.
This is the left nostril
of my brother Reese.
It squeaks all night long.
These are
the freezing cold feet
of my little brother... Dewey.
This is my oldest brother
Francis.
He's the one I really like
so, of course, he got sent
to military school.
My name is Malcolm.
You want to know
what the best thing
about childhood is?
At some point, it stops.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss of me now
and you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
♪ It's your thing ♪
♪ Do what you wanna do... ♪
Malcolm, Reese, Dewey,
get in here!
♪ I can't tell you
who to sock it to ♪
♪ Who to sock it to... ♪
No, stop!
I'm not touching...
There's only two
toaster waffles.
One of you has
to have cereal.
It's mine!
Come on!
Give it!
You cheated!
Give it! Give it!
Huh, look at this.
They're sending
an unmanned
probe to Venus
and letting a bunch of
schoolchildren name it.
Well, that's going
to end badly.
They do this every month.
He has sensitive skin.
The hair gets itchy
under his clothes.
It always seems
like such a shame
to just dump this
in the trash.
Maybe birds would like
to make nests with it
or, I don't know, maybe
you boys could use it
for school projects.
Arms up.
Malcolm, come right home
from school.
Dude.
Malcolm, you come right home
from school today.
I made a play date for you
with Stevie Kenarban
and you have
to take a bath.
What? Mom, no!
Malcolm
has a play date?!
Shut up, Reese!
With Stevie "The
Wheelie" Kenarban?
Oh, man!
Why is playing
a problem for you?
First off,
I don't even know Stevie.
I saw his mother
at the grocery story. She said
you boys ate lunch together.
One time.
He rolled his wheelchair
over next to me.
It's not like
I couldn't say, "go away."
He's not even
in my class.
He's in the Krelboyne class
in the trailer
next to tetherball.
You listen to me,
young man.
That one lunch obviously
meant a lot to Stevie.
He's a human being
with human feelings.
Now, you are going
to be friends with
that crippled boy
and you are going
to like it. Understood?
Yes, ma'am. Understood.
If I give up now,
I won't get the lecture.
You kids...
Dang.
You just take your legs
for granted, you know?
Like nothing could
ever happen to them.
Well, let me tell you something.
That is just
wishful thinking.
There's meningitis.
There are car accidents.
I could be giving
you a spanking
and accidentally snap
your spinal cord.
Every day is a lottery
and first prize
is that you don't have to scoot
yourself around town on
a skateboard with your hands.
You think about that.
I don't take my legs
for granted, Mom.
I know, honey,
you're a good boy.
Stop playing with yourself.
Go on, just go.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, okay, okay,
I ran out of ham.
One of you has
to have egg salad, okay?
And don't ditch
your little brother.
I don't want him
getting kidnapped.
Yeah, Mom, that
would be terrible.
It's your turn
to walk with him.
I walked him yesterday
and the day before.
I walked with him
when he wet his pants.
Okay.
Mom said to hold hands.
She did not say
to hold hands, Dewey.
I'm not holding hands.
Come on, hold hands. Please?
No! You're in
the first grade.
You're too big for that.
Look, I'm walking
right next to you.
You'll be fine.
Damn it! This is why
everyone teases you.
Hey, Malcolm.
Hey, Richard.
So my mom was telling
my dad last night
about your brother.
She said he's in jail.
He's not in jail.
He's at Marlin Academy.
It's, like, one of the
best private schools
in the country
and it's totally unfair.
Everyone acts like Francis
is just this big troublemaker
and he's not.
Dad, I know
what you're going to say
and believe me,
I totally agree with you.
There is no excuse
for what I did.
It was idiotic, immature,
totally reckless
and I'm really sorry.
I'm just...
I'm hoping against hope
that you will give me
another chance, which, I admit
I don't deserve
but if you could just
find it in your heart
to forgive me
I know I could earn
your trust back.
It's not like it
was even our car.
Spath, Spath, Spath!
Spath:
All right,
Here's how it works.
You can beg for mercy
on your belly
lick the bottom
of my shoes
or take a beating.
You must pick at least two
but... but-but,
if you pick three
you get a pass
for the next two weeks.
All right?
Now, that's your best value.
Dave Spath.
He never gets sent anywhere.
What do you do
if he catches you?
Roll in a ball.
What if he starts
kicking you?
Stay in a ball.
Okay. Come on.
Wait.
Never mind.
Those of you finished
with your tempera paints
may bring your work up here
and start on
your charcoal still lifes.
You may take
two pieces of
fruit only
and please be careful with them.
I bought them with my own money.
My own money.
God, Malcolm, that's so good.
Oh, Malcolm,
this is wonderful.
The perspective
is good.
The composition is clean
and it even shows signs
of actual technique.
I have to say
this is the high
point of my day.
How's that for sad?
Are you okay?
Um, yeah, I'm fine.
Malcolm.
What?
They need to see you
in the office.
Okay.
I think they mean right now.
Okay.
Get up, Malcolm.
Hi. I'm Caroline.
Want to have a seat?
Are you Malcolm?
Yes, and I didn't
do anything.
You're not in trouble, Malcolm.
You're here
'cause some of your teachers
think you're, um...
you know what?
I just want to play
some games with you.
Okay? Puzzles,
stuff like that.
Why?
Boy, oh, boy
you are a suspicious
little dickens, aren't you?
Okay. Now, you can look
at this picture for 60 seconds
and I want you to tell me
everything that's wrong
with it, okay?
The man only has
four fingers.
Right, but this time
I want you to take your time
and really look...
The car shadow's
going the wrong way,
the steering wheel's
on the wrong side,
there's no
brake pedal,
the words in the mirror
should be backwards,
the guy's watch
wouldn't say 12:00
if he's looking at a sunset
and I have red paint on my ass.
That's right.
Red paint all over my ass!
♪ I'm coming home,
I've done my time... ♪
These are good cookies.
Yeah... they're good.
♪ If you received my letter
telling you... ♪
So what can you do?
I mean,
what do you want to do?
I know... a joke.
Yeah? Okay.
A guy...
goes into...
a bar...
and he...
has a... frog
on his...
Frog on his head.
And the... bartender...
Wait, I screwed up.
A frog...
goes into... a bar.
You want to watch TV?
Can't. Not allowed.
What? You mean, ever?
Mom says...
TV makes you...
stupid.
No, TV makes you normal.
How can they do that?
He's in a wheelchair.
So what do you do
all day, homework?
Mostly... read... comics.
You have comic books?
Whoa!
You really have
Youngblood, number one?
Want to... read it?
No way. I'd wreck it.
Oh... did you read
the last Savage Dragon
when they split him in two?
Yeah. Brilliant.
I like how he never has
to learn a lesson or anything.
He just gets to
pound on everyone.
You're under galactic arrest.
Think again, space flatfoot.
You cannot escape.
Saturday morning
is the only thing
my family does better
than anyone else.
Damn!
You boys,
you keep this house clean
till your dad comes home.
Two of you can have
slices of pizza for lunch.
The other one can have...
I don't know.
I think they're peas.
Somebody get that.
Not it.
Not it.
Hello.
Young master Malcolm.
Francis, hi.
Hey, man,
I wrote you guys
a really long letter yesterday,
but, listen, they only gave me,
like, three minutes,
so would you put
the special prosecutor on?
Mom, it's Francis.
Hey, Francis, how's school?
Oh, couldn't be better, Mom.
My new roommate showed me
how to kill mice
with a hammer yesterday,
so, you know, between that
and the general atmosphere
of simmering homoeroticism,
I think I'm really starting
to turn around.
Honey, it's only until summer.
Come on, push it!
Give it up,
prom date.
Yeah, listen, um...
I know I shouldn't ask,
but would you be able
to send me my allowance,
like, a couple weeks early
'cause I kind of need some...?
Oh, my God! Are you smoking?
What?
I can hear you smoking.
You're smoking, aren't you?
Mom, I'm not smoking. Geez.
After seeing the anguish
your father and I
went through to quit,
didn't any of that
register with you?
Okay, listen.
I'll talk to your dad.
Maybe we can send you
part of it.
Honey, I have to go.
I'm late for work.
I'll call you later.
Okay, thanks, Mom. I love you.
Oh... I love you.
Somebody get the door!
I'm not getting it.
You get it, butt-munch.
Shut up.
You shut up.
No, you shut up!
Make me!
I'll make you right now!
You'd better not be fighting
in there, Reese, Malcolm.
Not my face!
I said you'd better not
be fighting in...
For crying out loud.
Reese! Malcolm!
Yes. Can I help you?
Oh. My good... um, hi.
Hel... hello. I'm....
Are you...? I'm...
Caroline Miller
from Malcolm's school.
I sent you some letters
and left some messages
on your answering machine.
Okay, fine. You caught me.
What do you want?
Um... well, it's
been three weeks
and you haven't responded,
and it's really important,
I mean, well,
for Malcolm's sake
that the parents be
as involved in...
So, what, you're here to insult
my parenting skills?
No. I'm sure you're
a terrific parent.
I'm here because I think
that there is a tremendous
opportunity for...
Could you, you know,
maybe put a top on?
They're just boobs, lady.
You see them in a mirror
every morning.
And I'm sure yours
are a lot nicer than mine.
That's actually not...
You know what?
I'm gonna tell you
something else.
The reason I didn't respond
is because it is
a load of crap.
What?
You are not going
to stick my Malcolm
in some special ed class.
What is it
with you people?
Why do you feel you have
to label everybody?
Malcolm may be a little strange,
and, I know, I know,
he never shuts up,
but he is not disturbed.
You know, he is a good boy...
Please!
You know what? You don't
understand at all, okay?
So if I could just
come in for a minute,
I could explain
everything, okay?
Ow! Ow! Ow!
It's good, hon.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's something
we have to talk about.
I thought we weren't going
to mention Aunt Helen
till after the biopsy.
It's not that.
It's about Malcolm.
I didn't do it.
Yes, he did.
I saw him.
A teacher
from school came by
and she ran
some tests with Malcolm.
He has an IQ of 165.
Who?
Malcolm. He's a genius.
He's going
to a special class.
What?
Malcolm's special?
Where do you think
that came from?
They have a special program
for gifted children.
They have advanced textbooks
and devoted teachers
and all sorts of good things
they don't want to waste
on normal kids.
You start on Monday.
You're going to put him
in the Krelboyne class?
Mom, no! I don't want to!
What are you talking about?
Of course you want to.
No. I want to stay
in my own class.
I don't want to be a Krelboyne.
Mom, seriously, Krelboynes
get their butts kicked.
Just stop one minute.
There's nothing wrong
with being smart.
And there's nothing wrong
with being cut from the herd.
It makes you the one buffalo
that isn't there
when the Indians run
the rest of them off the cliff.
Huh?
Mom, this isn't fair!
If I don't want to go,
why do I have to?
Because it's not
just up to you.
We have to do
what's best for you.
Mom, please!
Don't make me go!
Please!
Malcolm, calm down.
But it isn't fair!
That's right.
It isn't fair.
It's the first time
anyone in this family
has ever been given an edge,
and you are not
going to waste it.
Dad?
Honey?
Well... look, honey...
Malcolm, you see...
Oh, for crying out loud.
How come there's never
any iced tea in this pitcher?
I make a fresh batch
every morning;
it's gone
by the time I get home.
I want a better family!
Malcolm...
Look at that.
Gone.
I don't want to go
to a special class.
People think I'm
weird enough already.
I know.
I like where I am.
I want to stay.
Sweetie, life does
not give you
a lot of chances to move up,
even if you deserve it.
Look at your dad and me.
Malcolm, I'm proud of you.
You boys are so lucky.
You have so many gifts
that other kids don't have.
And I just don't mean
Stevie Kenarban, either.
I mean, look at those
Parker boys across the street.
They may be healthy,
but honest to God,
those are the ugliest
little boys ever born.
They look like boiled beets,
don't you think?
And those Henderson kids?
That electrocuted their dog
when they were trying
to get free cable.
How smart can they be?
Just remember,
any kid who makes fun of you
is a creepy little loser
who'll end up working
in a car wash.
This shouldn't make me
feel better, but it does.
You'll be all right, sweetie.
If you don't make
a big deal out of this,
nobody else will either.
And I just can't say enough
about how proud
we should all be of Malcolm
for getting into
the gifted program.
Now, Malcolm may not look
different than the rest of us,
but he is.
Very different.
In his brain.
And I think we should
recognize him for that.
Bye.
All righty,
today we are starting
a new section
on the Peloponnesian War,
which I know
you are all going to love.
Malcolm?
Are you okay?
Uh, yeah. Fine.
All right.
Excuse me.
Stop staring at me!
Why do they keep
doing that?
You're new.
Oh, great.
So I'm the freak
of the freak show?
Just... chill out.
Don't tell me
to chill out.
You chill out.
Nobody can live
like this.
I'm okay.
Oh, sure.
You're okay because it doesn't
make any difference to you.
You've always been a freak.
I used to be normal.
Wait. Who just
said that?
You're going to take that
the wrong way, aren't you?
You...
suck.
It's so cool!
Around here, being smart is
exactly like being radioactive.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Stevie?
What?
Look,
I...
Score!
Hey, Spath!
Why don't you stop
being such a butt-wipe?!
Ooh.
What'd you call me?
You heard me!
I don't care anymore!
I just don't care,
Spath, okay?
Alls you ever do is make
everybody miserable!
Except for your little
monkey-slaves over there.
Who, by the way,
only pretend to like you.
They hate you as much
as everyone else does!
And you're just too busy
being mean and stupid
to ever figure it out!
I keep trying to run,
but my legs won't work.
Mom was right,
they are important.
Wow.
I don't know about you,
but the Krelboyne
really hurt my feelings.
Hey...
Go away, Stevie.
It's good you
two are friends.
He won't mind sharing
his wheelchair.
Okay, this is where something
good happens, finally.
So we're going to slow down
and make it last
as long as possible.
♪ The possible dream ♪
♪ Finale of scenes ♪
♪ The moment
that some call eternal ♪
♪ That some call insane. ♪
Dude, you hit a cripple.
I didn't mean to...
I wasn't trying...
Stevie, I'm sorry!
Ow...
Aah...
Ow!
What's your problem?
I mean, he's in a wheelchair
and he has glasses.
Do you know how
bad that looks?
What's your problem?
♪ I've seen better days ♪
♪ I've been a star of many... ♪
So then, the principal comes out
and everyone's all
talking at once.
So the story he puts together
is that Spath attacks Stevie
for his lunch,
and I'm like this hero
that stepped in to defend him.
It was beautiful.
Okay, it wasn't funny
when Spath started crying.
No, wait, it was.
Dad's hair... ugh.
Yeah, I know. It's gross.
But, hey, if a bunch of birds
can make the best
out of what they get,
- then so can I.
- Malcolm?
Like having to
go to special
class.
I can make it
work out,
right?
Malcolm?
Not now!
Or my
family.
We're not
the greatest
family in
the world,
but we can get
better.
I mean, it's
not
impossible.
Malcolm?
What?!
Can I get out?
No! Stop asking!
So, basically, I
think
everything's
going to be okay.
A bug went up my nose.
So what do
you want me
to do about
it?