Magic for Humans (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Daddy Issues - full transcript

[water boiling]

- It's out.
- Are they out?

- They're out.
- Almond milk?

They're out of everything.

I've got you.
What kind of milk do you want?

- Almond milk.
- Almond milk?

- Yeah.
- I can do that. I'm a magician.

Eat a couple of almonds. Give me a second.

[man chuckles]

You're not weird about public
breast pumping are you?

Oh my God! It's actually
coming out of here.



What the f***?!

Come on in.

[women laugh]

Oh gosh! It hurts.

- Soy milk?
- Yeah

Soy beans.

Does that look right. Oh shoot! That is
soy sauce. That's the wrong side. My bad.

I didn't get any hair in there.

Stir that up a little bit.

I think you need a little more.

Hey, you wild man?

There we go.

- We'll get some to go.
- Is that good?

[woman laughs]



Oh my God.

How is it?

- You taste it first.
- I don't drink my own product.

[women chuckle]

- Are you a mom?
- Yes.

Hey there.

This past year has been
a really big year for me.

Finally got something I really wanted...

a second season.

And I became a father.

This is my son, Jackson.
Can you believe it?

Becoming a dad has been crazy.

I'm learning so much,
but I think I got it covered.

What do you need?

Are you hungry? I've got you.

Daddy's got you covered. Want some milk?
You don't want milk?

You got a stinky diaper?

Let's go, Baba. Come on, Baba.

As a new dad, I'm constantly asking myself
if I'm doing it right.

Everything I thought I knew about life
has been turned upside down

by this tiny human I barely know.

Yet, I can't stand to leave his side.

Luckily, thanks to take your baby
to work day, I don't always have to.

- How's it going?
- Going good. How are you?

- Justin.
- Marissa.

Nice to meet you. This is Jackson.
He's my son.

It's take your baby to work day.
Did you know that?

I love that. Yeah.

- Can I show you some magic?
- Yeah.

So, we'll do a card trick and...

Shoot. Do you mind holding him?

- Just to free up my hands.
- Hi.

Hello, baby.

- You're familiar with cards, yes?
- Yes.

- Name any card in the deck?
- Out loud?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- King of Clubs.
- King of Clubs. Fantastic.

King... of... Clubs.

Right there.

Okay. King of Clubs.

Watch as I make the King of Clubs...

disappear. Look at that. No King of Clubs.

- Do you know where it reappeared?
- No.

Check out the bottle.

[woman laughs]

Look at that!

- How'd your dad do that?
- Are you proud of your daddy?

How are you guys doing?

I'm a dad.

[Jackson gurgles]

You're good. You're good.

I'll do a little mind-reading
magic for you.

Think of any animal at the zoo.

You got it? Tell me when you have one.
You're focusing on this animal?

- Yes?
- Got it.

Okay.

I'm going to give him his little teething
blanket. Do you want your blankey?

Okay. He goes through like
ten of these a day.

Here we go, buddy. I got you.
Take this and...

just have at it.

Okay. That'll buy me a little time. Okay.

So your animal was an elephant.

- No.
- Really?

- Monkey?
- No.

- Ocelot?
- No?

- What was it?
- It was a zebra.

- A zebra?
- Yeah.

Shi-- Okay. I'm a little distracted--
Whoa! Are you okay?

Oh, dude, you devoured that thing.

Oh, a zebra!

- What?!
- Look at that.

[both chuckle]

- Hold on.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Wow!

- Hey, you're teaching him right. Wow.
- Yeah!

My kid's a genius!

Any Susans in there?

- My son's into Susans.
- No.

I'd love to show him a different
genre of magic.

- Okay.
- Escape Magic.

- Do you have any handcuffs on you?
- I don't.

- I have tape.
- That works.

Would you just come on in here

and just kind of wrap that
around my thumbs a little bit? Great.

Yeah. Oh, that's... wow.

- [woman laughing]
- Okay. Do you want to break it off there?

Okay. Fantastic.

- Here, would you take that blanket for me?
- Yes.

- Just cover me up a little bit.
- Okay.

And I'm going to attempt to escape
from these bindings if I can here.

Oh, buddy! Hold on a second.

I've got you, dude. I've got you.

There you go. Five Second Rule.

Okay, where was I?

Just make sure
that the bindings are secure.

Very secure.

Now, we'll start. Here we go.
Cover these up.

And then... what?

Dude! Hold on.

I've got you, buddy. I've got you.
There we go.

Don't put it in your mouth yet.

- Would you just take it off for me.
- Yeah.

We'll start over. You just taped
me up, right?

And fingers are actually really
starting to turn colors.

Cover me up. Great.

- Make sure it's still tight.
- All good.

Would you just cover it up
with the cloth cover? Fantastic. And...

[Justin groans]

You know what? I should probably
just focus on him now.

- Come here, buddy. Come here.
- [woman laughs]

What?! That was amazing.

You just blew my mind.
My heart is pounding.

I hope you cleaned that pacifier, buddy.
That was dirty.

It was on the ground.
It was on the ground.

You know what this is.

[chuckling voices]

[male voice] Dad Tricks.

Half a dollar.

[crunching]

It's Bitcoin.

Oooh.

[woman laughs]

Now, it's spit coin.

Oh.

Dad Tricks.

Get it?

My wife and I sometimes use
colorful language.

Ding ding ding, mother ****.

So in an attempt to curb our potty mouths
and set a good example for our son.

We got a swear jar.

Do you ever use a swear jar?

- My brother still uses one.
- What were the rules?

If you cursed, you had to add a dollar
to the swear jar.

Now, if you had a swear jar in your house
now, how quickly would that get filled up?

Nothing in there.

So you haven't been swearing in a while?

- No.
- This will be interesting.

Do you have a cuss word?
What's your favorite cuss word?

****

Yeah. See?

That's crazy.

- Mother ****.
- Yeah, that's good.

Oh, ****!

****

Yeah!

- ****
- Yes! There we go!

- ****
- Oh, that's it.

- **** goblin.
- Whoa.

- ****
- Goblin?

***** goblin.

[series of continuous bleep]

I can feel it. I can feel the weight.

Whoa!

Haha.

- ****
- Is that French?

- Oh, it's a Euro.
- Oh my gosh! How did you...?

Yeah, depending on what the language is,
it gives you back...

You're a ****, mate.

Oh! Australian!

I'll try a Canadian cuss word.

**** Sorry!

Oh. It's a tunis.

[woman laughs]

Sometimes they get stuck here.
Tilt your head back. Open your mouth.

Come on, up.

Mouth open a little bit wider. And, now,
give me the worst thing you've got.

- ****
- Oh, there we go! Oh, there we go.

Out of my mouth, bro.

Think of a really bad cuss word.

One that is so bad
you'd never even say it out loud.

- Just think of it.
- Okay, I got it.

Let me see if I can get it here. Hold on.

What the... what the ****?!

Wow!

What the ****?!

[series of continuous bleep]

**** stupid ****

****

- punk ass ****
- Yeah!

That's more than a jar can handle.

- Whoa!
- Oh [bleep[!

What the ****?!

- Look at that. You made some cash.
- Alright.

Cussing pays.

It really does.

So, we'll buy something you need...

bar of soap.

- Alright, Mom.
- To wash out that filthy mouth.

[Justin] I'm normally a laid-back guy,
but as a first-time parent,

I've become paranoid about baby safety.

So to make sure I'm doing it right,
I visited a childproofing Meetup Group

to talk to some other new parents.

Recently, she swallowed a quarter.

[group laughing]

We have not retrieved it yet.

So....

- Really?
- Yes.

- How long has it been?
- A month.

My baby found my trimming scissors.
And he's running around,

chopping them in the air.

When you try to take something
from a baby, they want to run faster.

[scream]

Hopefully, some of my unconventional
techniques

will help these parents fend off
future disasters.

I'm very paranoid about electrical
outlet safety. This is what?

Four feet off the ground,
so that's good, but

kids can climb on things, right?

Personally, what I would suggest

is that you just get rid
of those outlets altogether.

[group laugh]

How?

- Haha
- Whoa.

Now, that is child-proof.

Stroll with me this way.

Here's a child-proofing tip for you guys.

The problem with something like Windex is
that it's blue and it looks like Kool-Aid.

And Kool-Aid is delicious.

So, I think it's much better
if you change the Windex

into something that kids
do not want to drink.

For example,

watch the label,

Windex to whiskey.

[group laugh]

Oh course, if the kid's old enough to read
the label, then they're old enough to know

whiskey is not blue. Whiskey is...

brown.

Whoa!

[sprays, group laugh]

Here, let me see something else?

Who can tell me
which is the most dangerous tool

in the children's tool area?

- The chainsaw?
- Nope.

Probably the manual saw?

- This one?
- Uh huh.

- No, very very safe.
- Okay.

- Hammer?
- Which one?

That one, right there.

Oh, this? No, that's the safest
tool in the area.

- How about the other hammer?
- This one?

You are exactly right.

Do you know why this hammer
is so dangerous?

- No.
- It's because it's funny.

[squeaks]

[whistles]

Right? You guys don't seem
like you believe me

that this is a very dangerous thing.

- It doesn't look dangerous.
- It's not dangerous.

I'll show you how this could
be so dangerous.

Glass pitcher.

Allow me to demonstrate

why you should never let your children
play with a... hilarious hammer.

Ready?

Oh, I guess it's not a dangerous...

[women scream]

hammer after all.

What just happened?

[group laugh]

[whistles]

Question:

[chuckling voices] Dad tricks

How do you make a hanky dance?

[sneezes]

You put a little boogie in it.

Boogie.

Like boogers.

- You get me.
- Yeah.

[male voice] Dad Tricks.

Get it?

My son was barely a few months old
before he started reaching for my phone.

He's obsessed. I don't know
where he gets it from.

[camera clicking]

Screen time is bad for my brain.
I can't imagine what it would do to his.

So I gathered some neighborhood kids
to see just what I'm up against.

Who here has a cellphone?

How old are you?

- Six.
- And you have a cellphone?

How old were you when you
got a cellphone?

Two.

I know I may look scared,

but I'm actually terrified.

That's why I've developed
a screen-free alternative

that hopefully my son will prefer.

And apparently I only have a year
to practice my pitch.

This is the new iPhone.

You hold this.

Okay, and I'm just going to back up

until the string is taut.

How cool is this? Isn't this much better
than an iPhone?

No.

Clearly my phone is a little too low-tech
for these Savvy youngsters,

but wait until they see
the added features.

These can also send text messages.

What?

What kind of text message
would you send me?

An emoji.

Go ahead and whisper your emoji
into the soup.

- [whispers] Poop emoji.
- [plop]

[kids laughing]

- Did you send me the poop emoji? Gross!
- It looks like poop!

[kids laugh]

How about this?

You guys want me to show you
how it does selfies?

Yes!

This one actually takes soupies.

- Ready to take a soupie?
- Yeah.

Say "cheese".

- Cheese!
- [camera clicks]

- What?
- What?

- There it is.
- Wow! I love that picture!

[kids talking indistinctly]

That's you.

[kids laugh]

- You guys have Facetimed before, right?
- Yeah.

You know how on FaceTime, it makes it feel
like you're actually there?

These do something even better
than FaceTime.

These can actually teleport you,

so you actually are there.

Here, everybody, come up here.
Come with me.

So, instead of soup cans,

we're going to use garbage cans.

We put one...

over there.

And the other one...

over here.

And instead of using string

we use rope.

- What?
- Should we try it out?

- Yeah!
- Alright, let's do it!

First, you have to get inside a trash can.

And now you get your butt all
the way to the bottom.

And you grab the lid.

On the count of three

everyone yell "send", okay?

- One... two... three...
- [kids] Send!

Received!

What?!

[girl screams]

- Can we check in the other one?
- How'd you do that?

[kids giggle]

[Justin] Pretty cool, right?

Yeah!

Cans are the best, right?

Yeah!

We don't need a smart phone
until we're 40, right?

No!

[sighs]

How much money is inside this cage?

Five cents.

What do you call a cage that doesn't
have five cents in it?

A cage without five cents in it?

A nickelless Cage.

[loud blinking]

The actor.

Nick? Nick? Oh.

[male voice] Dad Tricks.

Get it?

[Justin] Thanks to the Internet,

I've discovered something amazing
about fatherhood.

Apparently, dads acquire
superhuman reflexes.

To make sure I'm ready should my son ever
need my incredible powers to save him,

I went head-to-head
against some childless pro athletes

from the Los Angeles Chargers
football team.

- Uh oh. He just pulled a hammy.
- Oh no.

- Sports injury.
- Did you pull a hammy?

- Have you heard of "dad reflexes"?
- Yeah.

Like when a kid is about to get hurt
and the dad is like...

Exactly.

We're going to do something
that only a dad could do.

It's the ping pong ball test.

[men laugh]

Take one.

- Fantastic.
- [whistle blows]

We're going to go one at a time
and you're going to toss the ball up

and attempt to catch it on your nose.

- Okay.
- Don't feel bad If you can't do it.

It just means you haven't
had children yet.

- Let's see what you've got.
- [boing]

- [plop]
- [frying pan clatter]

[boing]

- [ding]
- [men laugh]

There we go.

What?

Not bad, right?

What?

When you're a dad, you got to change
diapers fast. You know what I mean?

Pick a deck. Take this deck.

Don't take it out of the box yet.
What card represents a dirty diaper?

You tell me.

Spade of Jacks.

- Spade of Jacks?
- What?

That's how you know
he don't ever play cards.

- The Spade of Jacks?
- Yup.

So I'll go one two three. On three,

the first one to find the Jack of Spades
wins the reflex test.

- Ok, that's alright.
- Are you ready?

Okay.

One... two... three.

[men chuckling]

- Come on, man! Come on!
- This is **** won't come out.

Bro, he's just stuck. This boy's stuck.

****, are you cheating?

This thing is stuck, bro.
Do you see this ****?

- Got it.
- Oh, he hit me with some...!

Listen. You should have a kid.
You should have a baby.

I'll get yours out too.

He pulled yours out.

Uh... Let's see here.

Jack of Spades.

Right there.

I've got you. Okay. So that's one for me.

0 for the Chargers.
We'll try something else.

- Are you right-handed or left-handed?
- Both.

- What do you do with the left?
- Eat and write.

- What do you do with your right hand?
- Throw and shoot.

Okay. That's good.
Take your left hand.

Squeeze it into a fist like this
and hold it up like that.

Don't let go.

On go, you're just going to open and shut
your left hand real quick.

I'm going to swoop in, initial your hand,
get out before you feel it.

How? Because I'm a dad.

One... two... three... go!

Done. Check it.

[men laugh]

Show the camera. See, I got in there.

I had a little time left over though.
I hit up all of you guys. Check it out.

- Dawg!
- Get the **** out of here!

[men laughing]

Come on, man!

The camera can see here.

- As a running back, you've got to be fast?
- Right.

So let's see who's faster.

Let's do it.

Imagine this is a Superbowl ring.

And this is...

your baby's mouth

about to swallow that Super Bowl ring.

Not only is that a choking hazard, but,

if you're lucky enough that the ring
comes out the other end,

it will never be the same.

So our job is to snatch that ring
away from harm's way.

We're going to stand back here.
We're going to sprint.

Okay? I've been training for this.

There's zero chance that he gets there
before Austin.

Now, I have kind of a dad stance.

It kind of helps the hands
be at the ready.

- Ready to be disappointed in yourself?
- Let's see what you got.

Count us in.

[slow-mo] You've got this!

Snatch!

Get that ball!

Three...

two...

one...

Go!

- What?!
- [men laughing]

Looking for this?

[men laughing]

That's pretty quick.

[echoing] Looking for this?

- Nice.
- Well done.

[Justin] When it comes to parenthood,
I still don't know if I'm doing it right.

But my dad tells me that's the point.

He says anyone who thinks they're
a perfect father is probably blowing it.

So, I guess I must be nailing it.

Well, that's daddy issues for you.
I got a lot of them.

Not too worried though. I have dad
reflexes to help me out.

Hit me!

[sighs]

Absolutely.