Magic for Humans (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Love - full transcript

I have six prizes.

Whichever you pick,
I'm gonna give you in front of her.

- Okay.
- What number do you want?

- One, two, three, four, five or six?
- Three.

- You wanna change your mind?
- No.

- Number three?
- Yeah.

Okay, this is exciting.

Oh, it's good.

Hug! Cool, come here.

So nice meeting you. Thank you.
Nice, long hug would be good.

- Nice. Thanks, man.
- What?!



Ooh. I chose right!

In the dance of love,
we're all looking for the same thing:

someone to sweep us
off our feet.

But sometimes, just when you
think you have it all figured out...

it turns out you had no idea
what was really going on.

That's why it's important
to show those you love

just how much you care about them.

What's the best way to do that?
Sweet, sweet lovemaking!

Attitudes about sex are always evolving.

So to find out
the current state of getting it on,

I sat down with the horniest generation.

- Can we talk about sex?
- Oh, sex, yes, please!

Listen, are you more sexually adventurous
now than you used to be?

- Yes.
- And why is that?



Why is that? Because time is limited.

You may not like to think about it,

but seniors are just as frisky
as the rest of us.

I spent the day at a retirement center.

It was like
walking into a Cialis commercial.

They were not shy.

I have a little vibrator
that I've never figured out how to use.

I paid $175 for it and it's just like...
It doesn't excite me.

- Really?
- I like the old-fashioned kind.

It's kind of like...
You know...

How do you get one another into the mood?

- We don't have to get into the mood!
- Always in the mood?

Is there any sexual stuff
you plan on trying out soon?

Maybe getting a little freaky,
doing things that are out of the ordinary.

Hanging from the side of a car, you know?
Or try the chandelier thing.

Or on the slide,
when you're out in the park.

Wow. I mean, two of those things
seem very dangerous,

and the third thing might be illegal,
but I like it.

- Can I dig into your basket?
- Sure!

- Help yourself.
- Let's see.

Werther's Original.

- And what are you gonna do with them?
- What were you gonna do with them?

Will you unwrap that?

I'll show you something new
you can do with them.

Okay! Yes, I'd like that.

Okay. Hold it deep. Yeah, that's great.
Hold it out in the palm of your hand.

- You ready?
- Yes.

Here's my Werther trick. Watch.

Viagra!

- We get to keep 'em?
- Those are for you.

- Save those for...
- Later.

Yes.

What was sex ed like
when you were in school?

I think my mother made me read a book about it. I have
a better way that I think will be good to explain it.

With these rabbits.
Open your right hand.

I'm gonna have you squeeze both bunnies

and I'll show you why you can't leave
two bunnies alone together.

They kinda get hot and heavy.
Shake 'em up a little bit.

And just slowly open your hands.

And you'll see that...

they had babies!

Before I left, I thought I should give
these sexy seniors a little parting gift.

This is how the kids are sneaking booze
into the park.

I got any drink you want.

- Do you really?
- Yeah, what drink do you want?

- Beer, please.
- Beer? That's easy. I got you.

Take a good sip.
Make sure that's exactly what you want.

- What would you like?
- Margarita.

- Margarita? I got you.
- Look at that!

Take a sip, make sure it's the real deal.

- What would you like? Try me.
- Rum and Coke.

Rum and Coke? Rum and Coke it is.

Oh, look!

Come on, take a sip!

What would you like? Come on!

- Piña colada.
- Piña colada?

- Yeah!
- There we go.

Oh, my gosh.

There we go. That's for you.
What would you like?

It's kinda early!

- Come on.
- Bloody Mary.

It's noon somewhere.
Bloody Mary. I like your style.

- Here we go.
- Oh, wow!

Full service. Hold on, wait for me, guys.
I want a drink too.

I'm a whiskey guy,
I know it's a little early in the day,

but I'll pour myself... a whiskey,

and you know what,
if anybody does want ice...

- That's all that's in here.
- You did not!

So I'll pop the ice there. Let's cheers!

I propose a toast. To getting laid!

To getting laid!

- How's it going?
- Good, how are you?

- You guys got a second?
- Yeah.

- Married?
- Yes.

Married?

Could you hold this bag?

It's kind of heavy.

Dad, can you have it?

Okay, Dad. Will you hold it?

Can I borrow your ring?

- You got collateral?
- Rings are the symbol of love.

What you're holding can be my collateral.

- Okay, whatever that is.
- Whatever it is. Okay.

Nice ring, buddy.

Watch this. Pick a color
bubble. -What color? - Purple.

Ready? Watch the purple. One...

Two...

- Whoa!
- Wow!

- Wow.
- What the ****?

- You can touch it. Check it.
- Wow.

What...?
It just went straight through the glass!

How are we gonna get it out?

Remember that bag
I gave your dad before we started?

Keep the change.
That's how you get it out.

Get going!

- It's gonna take a while.
- Wow. Yeah.

This is my wife Jill.

We met at one of my magic shows.
I did magic on our first date.

I even did magic at our wedding.

So I wanted to see if the art of magic
could help someone else find love.

Meet Henry,
a single dude in need of dating help.

Now, it took me 20 years to learn magic.
Henry doesn't have that kind of time.

Solution? I will be his hands.

Really uncomfortable for me,
but I think it looks natural for you.

I set up a speed dating event,
so Henry could hit it off with someone

and land a second date.

He has no idea what I'm going to do
and I can't see what I'm doing.

What could possibly go wrong?

- Hi.
- How are ya?

- Good, how are you?
- I'm doing well.

- What was your name?
- Bree. What's yours?

- My name's Henry.
- Hi, Henry, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Okay!

- Do you like magic at all?
- I love magic.

Yeah? Okay, let me show you a few things.

That's so cute!

- That's so sweet!
- Like that? For you. Take it.

Are you sure?

Take it. Reach a little more.

Okay...

- To start off, do you wanna see a trick?
- Yes, that would be nice.

Shoot. Can you grab that for me?

I'm sorry?

Just a regular paper bag,
nothing special about it at all.

Okay? Put this in.

What do you think's gonna happen?

I think the bottle
is going to be held in your hand.

Because you're clutching something
in the bag.

- Am I?
- It appears to be.

- How can I do that, then?
- I don't know.

- Shazam.
- Okay, that was a good trick.

Just an empty hanky. Nothing else.

- And...
- Oh, my God. Look at that!

Oh, God!

- That's pretty impressive.
- Yeah, I guess.

- Do I get a second date with that?
- No.

You'll really like this one.
You gotta be patient.

Now, I didn't promise Henry
every magic trick would be good.

Ready?

One... two... three.

- Wow.
- See that coming?

- Where did you get the bra?
- From my mom.

Oh, my God!

Thank God.

I also didn't promise him
every trick would be magic.

- Wait for it.
- Okay.

Now, it's strange at first, but...

I'm looking, I'm watching.

- A little salt...
- Okay.

- A little bit of pepper...
- All right.

Was that the finale?

That was it.
I just needed to get my strength up.

- Do I get a second date with that?
- No.

All right.

This is our last chance.

- Take one.
- Take one.

Grab a card. Perfect.

- Tell her to write her name on it.
- Write your name on it.

- OK.
- Slide it over to me.

Thank you. Good choice of cards.

Now I'm gonna lose it in the deck.

Mixing it up a bit.

Open your mouth.

Bite down.

You're getting there.
Can you eat it?

Okay...

How the hell did that happen?

It's magic. Boom.

Write your number on it.

I think it's missing something.
Can you throw your number on there?

Hmm...

- You'd like to go on a second date?
- I would.

Okay, I'll write my number for you, honey,
because you did surprise me,

but now I'm touching
a card covered in your saliva.

- There you go.
- So we've gotten to second base.

And success!

- What's your name?
- Susan.

Susan, it's time for Magic For Susans.

Susan, I have an envelope.
It's a prediction.

I will not change it.

- Did we set anything up?
- No.

Susan, I want you to think
of a famous person.

- You got one in your mind?
- I do.

Would you be impressed if I had the name

of the person you're thinking of?

- Completely.
- Who were you thinking of?

- Betty White.
- Betty White.

- That would have been good, wouldn't it?
- Yes, it would.

- You weren't thinking of Kevin Bacon?
- No.

- You didn't change your mind?
- Not at all.

- Seriously?
- Seriously.

- Heard of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?
- No.

It's a game.
Kevin Bacon's been in a lot of films.

He was actually in Diner
with Steve Guttenberg,

who was in Home For The Holidays
with Claire Danes,

who was in Shopgirl
with Steve Martin,

who was in Bringing Down The House...

with Betty White.

Very good.

Every couple is unique and we all have
different ways to keep the spark alive.

Take Dan and Matt for example.

Dan, Matt.

Is there anything unique you two do
to make your relationship work?

Not really.

Dan and Matt are into a thing
called puppy play.

So what is puppy play?

Puppy play is when humans
act like canines.

It started as a sexual thing,
as kinks and fetishes.

Now it's become this whole new thing,

because it puts you into a place
where you don't have to think as much,

so people do it to release stress.

- He's a good boy.
- He's a good boy.

They were kind enough to invite me
to one of their pack hangouts.

- How's it going?
- It's good to see you.

- These are the pups.
- Hello!

In the puppy play world,
you're either a pup or a master.

I wonder what I am.

- Master or pup?
- Pup. You're a dog.

One of us! One of us!

I decided to do a little magic
for man's best friend,

using one treat I know my dogs love.

Peanut butter.

- Are you a fan of peanut butter?
- Love it.

- No peanut allergies?
- No.

Okay, good. Would you just
keep a paw on that?

Make sure it doesn't go anywhere.

Perfect.

I'm going to use a tennis ball.
Would you do me a favor?

I'm going to have you
autograph the tennis ball.

I'll hold it.
Write your name on it in the middle.

- Apollo. Well done.
- Smiley face.

Okay. Don't forget Apollo's ball.

Here we go.

Okay. You ready?

Open the peanut butter jar.

Pop the seal. No way!

- Pull it out. Roll it out.
- Wait. No. Because then it becomes real!

Pull it out! Show it to the camera!

What? Wait, I am a man of science!
What is going on here?

- I'm disturbed.
- This is so...

How?! We have a good time, guys?

There's an expression made famous
by the feminist icon Gloria Steinem.

A woman needs a man
like a fish needs a bicycle.

Some young women today

are taking that sentiment to heart
in dramatic fashion

by getting married...

to themselves.

You heard that right.

Sologamy, AKA marrying yourself,
is a thing.

Erica Anderson did it.

She walked down the aisle
and vowed loyalty to herself.

I went to Erica's home
to ask her why she did it.

I think partially as a statement

that we don't have to be legally partnered
with someone else to be enough.

One thing Erica missed out on
was the surprise proposal, until today.

I was thinking maybe I could give you
the proposal you've never had.

Amazing.

What Erica doesn't know is that
in the next room, I've already set up

what I predict to be
her dream proposal scenario.

Let's hope I got it right.

So let's find out, first...

the beverages you enjoy here.

Now, of these randomly-chosen beverages,
which one pops out to you?

French 75 is the one.

- That's a gin drink.
- That's true.

Dessert is also
kind of a very romantic thing.

- Lava cake.
- Why's that?

Molten chocolate. You just wanna
spread it all over your body.

- But actually, you should just eat it.
- You could do both.

- Right.
- Movies.

These are some of my favorite movies.
Any of these some of your favorites?

Swingers. I've probably seen it
between 20 and 30 times.

It's the only movie
where I, like, remember everything.

- Classic Vince Vaughn.
- Yeah.

- Flowers. What color flowers?
- I guess the blue.

- Blue roses?
- Yeah!

Okay. Last but not least, the where.

So, any of these places
just feel like, "Yeah"?

Paris.

- We just met today, honestly.
- That's true.

We've never met or even talked
before today.

So, when we arrived here this morning,
we sent you out for a while.

- We didn't let you back for a bit, right?
- It's been a while.

- So, I'd like to show you something.
- Okay!

- Come with me.
- Okay.

Through the dining room...

to your office.

- Stand right here.
- Okay.

Oh, my God!

- Vince Vaughn lookalike!
- Check it out!

- This is insane!
- Right? It's all of the things!

We're in Paris.

French 75, molten chocolate cake,

blue roses, and a dude
who kind of looks like Vince Vaughn.

- These are for you.
- Oh my god. Okay. Thank you!

This is so crazy. Okay.

Now, there's one last thing.

That is so insane!

Erica...

will you marry you?

Yes!

If I were to surprise myself,
which, you know, is fairly impossible,

these would be the components of it,

and I never got a proposal, so...

Yeah, it's really sweet.

Yeah. Time for a drink.

- Hi, what's your name?
- Michelle.

- What's your dog's name?
- Susan.

Really?

Magic for Susans!

Okay. Michelle, you can watch this trick,
but this is not for you.

This is just for Susan.

Okay, Susan...

Susan. I have an Oreo.

Huh?

One of the most common side effects
of falling in love with someone is a baby.

And these days, if you're going to have a
baby, you gotta have a gender reveal party.

At a gender reveal, the expecting couple
uses balloons or confetti

to unveil the sex of their baby.

Blue for boy, pink for a girl.

Two of my friends are having a baby
and asked me to host their gender reveal.

However, being the forward-thinking
California liberals they are,

who can pull off
black leather at a garden party,

they wanted me
to add a little progressive flair.

I spoke to their OBGYN
to get the secret scoop,

and brought a box
of the proper colored balloons

plus a little something extra.

All right. Time has come.

We're here because Amber
is four months pregnant.

Congratulations, Amber.

Amrith is going to be a dad.

So I brought the box.

Inside the box,

the answer we are all waiting for...

is here.

It's the big moment.

Ready to lift the lid,
find out what it is?

First, a little magic.

Never have people been less excited
to see magic than right now.

But I'll make it good, here.

What?! What?

What is going on?

Oh, my God! What?!

That's weird.

- What?
- What?

Kinda drift to the left here.

Oh, my gosh.

Whoa.

I don't know if it's a boy or a girl,
but it's a magician, OK?

And then...

- Oh, my God.
- All right.

Without further ado.

The balloons.

Oh.

My god!

It's a gender studies professor.

Hello there. Before we reveal
the sex of the baby,

the couple wants to remind everyone
gender is a non-binary construct

and will not influence
how the baby is raised. Am I right?

Yes!

Amen! I'm behind you.

However, I wasn't thinking
when I bought the balloons.

It's a girl!

- Thank you.
- Congratulations.

- Whatever it ends up being.
- It's a girl.

- Well...
- Well, it's a girl for now!

It... It doesn't have a penis!

For now!

I learned a lot about love in this
episode and I hope you did too.

But if you didn't,
if you're sitting at home right now,

heartbroken,

just torn to little bits,

convinced that there's no way

you'll ever be whole again.

Well, I have news for you.

You're probably right.