Mad About You (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Monkeys, Lies and Withholding - full transcript
Paul and Jamie pay a visit to a retirement home to visit his mother, Sylvia, and her new boyfriend; an unexpected visitor walks into Ira's restaurant.
- Hi, you still there?
- Yes, sir.
Could you give me that
password again, please?
Yes. Okay, the password is "shmooey".
- "Snoopy?"
- N... shmooey.
S-H-M-O-O-E-Y.
If that doesn't work,
try shmooey1 or Dshmooey.
- Capital D, lowercase shmooey.
- What's a shmooey?
Nothing. It's just... it's
a made-up, all-purpose word.
You know, like, "Hey, I
can't find the shmooey".
Or "What happened to the
shmooey for the thing?
You know? Or "Oh, no! I just
broke the thing off the shmooey
so now the whole shmooey's
no good", like that.
- Ah. Like "thing-a-ma-jig".
- Exactly.
A "what-cha-ma-call-it".
- You got it.
- A "doo-hickey".
I think we're on the same page.
Well, in our house
we just say "shmooey".
Like, so every account
my wife and I have...
online, ATM, all the
passwords are "shmooey".
Probably shouldn't have
told you all that, but...
Can I put you on a brief hold, sir?
Yeah, okay, but listen, when you people
say "brief" it's never really...
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ I love you like I do ♪
♪ Tell me who ♪
♪ Can stop my heart as much as you ♪
♪ If we take each other's hands ♪
♪ We can fly into the final frontier ♪
- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪
- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Final frontier ♪
- Hey, you.
- I'm on hold.
So I'm walking the dog and
this really cute young guy
on a bike says, "What's his name?"
Oh, cute guy? So was he hitting on you?
Calm down. He was like 21 and super hot.
I'm much, much more calm now.
I tell him he doesn't have a name,
and he says, "Yes, he does.
He looks like a Walter".
What do you think? Walter?
Walter. I don't know.
Who names a dog Walter?
Who names a dog Murray?
Hey, you make a
good point. I don't know.
Hi, Walter.
Huh. Walter it is.
- Ha.
- Hey, hey, okay.
You're changing for dinner, right?
Uh, I guess.
Your mother made the
reservation for 4:30.
Yeah, I know. Who eats dinner at 4:30?
Retirement community people.
Yeah, why 4:30?
I'm guessing 3:30 and 4:00
gets snapped up pretty quick.
So listen to this.
I'm looking over our
credit card statement.
Do you know we've been paying
for like the last 12 years
$8.99 a month for something
called "M.C. International"?
- Mr. Buchman?
- Speak of the devil... yes, hi.
- Is Maber Buchman there?
- "Maber"?
It seems the account was
opened by Maber Buchman,
- so he or she...
- She.
She's the only one authorized
- to close the account.
- Okay, no, but I'm...
- I'm Maber's father.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Would you like to
speak to Maber's mother?
Stop saying Maber.
I'm afraid only Maber can handle this.
Ok... fine, I'll have Maber
get in touch with you then.
Thank you for not quite helping me.
Thank you for calling Monkey Cove.
I remember Monkey Cove.
Mabel used to love that game.
Yeah, but $8.99 a month for 12 years?
We could've bought our own monkey.
Then we'd have a monkey.
Hey, Monkey, it's your father
calling about something
critically important.
Call me back.
You notice I said critically.
She's not calling you back.
- What's "CCTY"?
- Huh?
There's a charge here, $49.50 for CCTY.
Here's another one last
month. What is that?
Oh, I thought I mentioned that to you.
It's a... it's a cigar thing.
Cigar Club... something.
Every month they send you
a couple of nice cigars.
Since when?
A couple of months ago
I signed up. "To You"!
- What?
- CCTY.
Cigar Club To You.
That's what it's called.
Oh. You never told me.
I thought I did.
Okay, I didn't. I didn't, but you...
- How well do you know me?
- I know.
And if we're keeping secrets
- from each other... Oh, really?
- That's not a secret.
Yeah, I just know you don't love
that on occasion I smoke
- an occasional cigar.
- I don't.
Right, so I didn't want to bother you.
And yet, here I am bothered,
so how's that working out?
Not so good! Really.
All right, terrific,
so now we can have this
hanging in the air
during the lovely dinner
with my mother. Terrific.
I'm excited to meet this new guy.
Ugh. Okay, I'm telling you right now.
If she calls him a boyfriend
or anything like that,
- I swear...
- Be happy she met someone.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I think it's sweet she
wants us to meet him.
Yeah, yeah, plus, it's
like an hour and half
on the train to get there.
Paul, what is the real issue here?
It's not an Oedipus
thing, like I'm afraid
he's replacing my father,
anything like that,
if that's what you're
thinking, Dr. Freud.
Then what is it?
It's just this guy.
I don't want him touching my mommy.
♪♪
How long have you lived here, Ralph?
Not long. I lived at a community
down in Tampa for a couple years.
But this is much nicer.
And the lady residents
are much nicer too.
Such a flatterer.
Paulie, jump into the conversation.
- The water's fine.
- Yeah, no, no, all good.
Or maybe your phone is so fascinating.
No, I wasn't looking at it.
I'm expecting an important call.
Okay.
So how was the train ride out?
Not too terrible, I hope.
- No, it was fine.
- Good,
'cause when I didn't
see you two for so long,
I thought maybe the trains
don't come out this far anymore.
So what else is news?
I started working again.
Oh, good for you, sweetheart.
- What are you doing?
- I'm a therapist.
You?
- Meaning?
- Oh, nothing, I suppose.
Why not? You've always
been a good listener.
Bert used to say... my
wonderful late husband,
may he rest in peace...
he always used to say
Jamie was an excellent listener.
I don't recall him ever saying that.
Well, maybe you weren't listening.
Ralph, tell them what
you did for a living.
Oh, it was a long time ago.
So modest.
Ralph used to play baseball
for the major leagues.
- Really?
- This was before your time.
Washington Senators.
1953 to 1956.
Wait, wait, hold on. What?
I played third base,
and again, only for...
Wait a second. Ralph Martoni?
You're that Ralph Martoni?
My handsome baseball player.
Holy shit!
- Language.
- Sorry.
Holy shit. We...
my cousin Ira and I, we
used to trade baseball cards
and I swear I remember your card.
You... they used to call you "Catfish".
Good for you. Me and Catfish Hunter.
- Yeah.
- But I was the first one.
- "Bats lefty, throws righty".
- Very good.
Oh, my God, Ralph Martoni!
Ralph Martoni.
It's Ralph Martoni! Look at...
What about Yo-Yo Davalillo?
I always loved that name.
- We gave him that name, Yo-Yo.
- Really?
His real name was like
a yard and a half long.
And he was short, right?
Like, the shortest guy to
ever play in the majors.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Gene Verble? First base?
- Second.
- Second base.
- Satchel, we called him.
What about...
I like that they're getting along,
but this is ridiculous.
How long have they been at it?
An hour and ten minutes.
I'm 85 years old.
I don't have this kind
of time. Stop them.
Bunky Stewart. You ever
play with Bunky Stewart?
Honey, do you remember we
have that thing in the city?
- Nope. So...
- Well, I remember. Get up.
- So nice to meet you.
- Oh, okay, gotta go.
Well, this is a pleasure.
Y'know, I'll come back.
We'll do this some more, right?
Ma, what a guy... what a great guy.
Nice to see you. Remember, Cookie Rojas?
- Say bye-bye.
- Gotta go. Bert Campaneris?
You ever... Zoilo Versalles.
That was a good one.
- You're kidding. The Catfish?
- Yep.
Your mother is dating
Ralph The Catfish Martoni?
I don't know if I would
use the word "dating".
- Oh, they're dating.
- What... what do you mean?
That nice guy you like so much?
He's touching your mommy.
- That is so cool.
- Okay, do you mind?
You know what, I have
some very exciting news
of my own that may even top your news.
Oh, really? What, your mother
bang Carl Yastrzemski?
See, it's not so funny when
it's your mother, is it?
I got the results back from
the DNA test that I took.
And? Are you Italian?
Didn't even open it yet.
I was waiting for you.
That's very sweet.
So you could eat a little Italian crow.
- Corvo.
- Huh?
The bird, the crow. Si.
Corvo. Or la cornacchia.
Ah, grazie.
Okay, corvo. Here we go.
Click on it, baby.
Okay.
Um, but listen, if for whatever reason,
- you don't get the answer you want...
- You know what,
I don't even want you to do it now.
You're gonna drip your bitter skepticism
all over everything.
Here you go. You try.
You're a much nicer person.
- Hmm.
- Go ahead, click.
Oh, dear.
What? Is she messing with me?
Is this like a little fake-out
before she tells me I'm Italian?
I don't think that's a fake-out.
Okay, so you telling
me it's not a fake-out?
Is that the fake-out?
Ira, remember: no test is infallible.
What's important is what
you believe in your heart.
Trust me, I know.
Every fiber in my being,
I know that I'm Italian.
- You're not Italian.
- Take that back.
I'm just reading what it says.
It says that I'm not Italian?
97% Romanian-Polish
and 3% Dutch and Icelandic.
Dutch and Icelandic?
That... that's crazy! I'm not...
I'm not even 1% Italian?
How can this be?
Hm? Sorry, I was thinking
about Ralph again.
What, what, what?
You know what? The hell with this test.
This test is spazzatura. It's garbage!
I know who I am and I know what I am.
Boy, the Dutch are so excitable.
♪ Ralph Martoni, Ralph Martoni ♪
♪ I love Ralph Martoni ♪
♪ I can't believe I'm
friends with Ralph Martoni ♪
Hey, Monkey, it's your father again.
Call me back. Listen.
Yesterday I said it was
critically important,
but to be honest, that was just a trick
to get you to call me back.
But today I'm not ki...
hold on a second. The police are here.
What... you want to
take her away... hey!
Take her hands off of her! You can't...
That should do it.
- Babe.
- Yes? Oh.
Yeah, I'm not sure how to tell you this.
- I just found out...
- What, what, what?
Ralph Martoni died.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my... what? How crazy is life?
You meet a guy, and
your whole world changes,
and then he's gone the next day.
- No, no, no. No, Sorry.
- Oh, my God.
The Ralph Martoni that we met yesterday
is fine as far as I know.
So who died?
Ralph Martoni who played
third base for the Senators.
He died in a hot air
balloon accident in 1958.
I just looked it up.
He fell out of a balloon?
Well, no, the balloon fell on him.
He was standing with a group
of people who all managed
to get away, but I
guess Ralph was too slow.
Third basemen, never
known for their speed.
See, if he was an outfielder,
probably be alive to this day.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
So if Ralph Martoni is dead,
who did we meet yesterday?
I have no idea. We've
got to tell your mother.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh, this is not good.
I know. She's being lied to.
Nah, I mean we got to
take the freakin' train
out there again now.
Hey, open for lunch at 11:30.
Oh, no, I'm not, um... I was just...
- You're Ira Buchman.
- That's right.
Wow. Hi.
Um, my name's Vincent Maslin.
This might seem like an odd question,
but did you take a DNA test recently?
Oh, I knew it. You're
here from the company.
You came to tell me you
made a horrible mistake.
No, no, I'm not from the company.
The thing is, I also used the site,
and I signed up to get alerts
for possible DNA matches and...
I think I'm your son.
I don't think so.
I don't know much,
kid, but I'm 100% sure
that I don't have a kid.
Come to Papa.
Amazing.
So do you remember my mother?
Oh, Vincent.
I am a man of honor,
and this is the God's honest truth,
I don't remember her at all
because I never met her.
- You're how old?
- 31 next month.
That would be right. Here's the deal.
The fall of 1987,
I wanted to buy this really
nice set of Marantz speakers.
Yeah? Top of the line, great bass.
Only problem... I didn't have the cash.
So I donated my sperm one time
just to make up the shortfall.
People did that then.
And so voilà. Here we are.
Speaking of cash, you need anything?
Oh, no, no. Pop, I'm good.
- Say that again.
- I'm good.
No, no, no, before that.
Pop.
Give me another one.
Buongiorno.
Ah, Lucia!
You're not gonna believe this.
Listen, I want you to meet someone.
Vincent, this is Lucia.
- Hello.
- Ciao bello.
Lucia, this is Vincent, my son.
No. No, no, no, no.
- Through sperm?
- Si, mio sperm.
Oh.
Oh.
Bravo.
Look at this: mia famiglia!
Oh.
We had to tell you, Sylvia.
We felt like we didn't have a choice.
You know, and we know you're upset.
If I'm upset, it's with the two of you.
Who asked you to poke your noses
into my personal business?
Have I ever involved myself
in your private affairs?
Uh, yeah.
Do you think I ever told Jamie about you
getting cold feet before the wedding?
I knew about that.
That's perfectly normal.
Did I tell her how you
wanted to marry Davy Crockett?
I was seven,
and it was really more about
the hat than anything else.
Your father and I were ready to support.
We were forward-thinking that way,
which we never really got credit for.
Okay.
- Mom...
- I also never told Jamie
about you and Debbie Schmulovitz
in the downstairs closet.
Okay, here we go. I was nine.
I went looking for
the drapery attachment
- for the vacuum cleaner.
- Mm-hmm.
I opened the door, and there he is
with his pants around his ankles,
and she's touching his shmagegee.
This explains why things didn't work out
- with Davy Crockett.
- Yeah.
- Look, Mom...
- You and Debbie Shmooey.
Shameful.
Look, Mom...
What?
Debbie Shmooey.
Her name is in every
one of our passwords.
Okay, first of all,
I thought I told you.
Not only did you never tell me,
you never thought you
told me, so don't tell me
you thought you told me.
Second of all, shmooey,
if you'd like to know
the etymology of the word,
The etymology. Good Lord.
Maybe a long, long time ago,
you know, it perhaps had
the slightest thing to do
with Debbie Schmulovitz, but over time
it just became... it was
like a funny, made-up word.
Yeah, made-up word that
refers to your old girlfriend
from the naked closet.
She was not my girlfriend,
and, other than that one time,
that was a perfectly respectable closet.
Well, whatever, I'm
changing all the passwords.
Oh, no, no, why?
- Please don't.
- Doing it.
No, no. I'll never be able
to learn new passwords.
- You know that.
- It's just so icky.
Shmooey has been woven into the fabric
of our life together.
All the remote controls are shmooeys.
The hand can-opener's a shmooey.
That thing that we always... the, uh...
- The wrench?
- No, no, we plug in all the...
- Under the dryer thing?
- No, no.
- The little shmooey that we...
- Ha! See?
Ha, what?
You just proved my point.
That's my ha, not your ha.
You wanted to name the dog Shmooey.
You call me Shmooey sometimes! Ew!
Yeah, but that's only when I can't think
of your name fast enough.
Lovely, and by the way,
this is exactly the same as
your little cigar club secret.
That wasn't a secret.
It was information you were
deliberately withholding.
I wasn't withholding.
I just didn't mention it bec...
Okay, that one I was withholding.
- Yeah. Thank you.
- Yes.
But I thought I told you.
No, you didn't thought you told me.
See, this is why we should
never visit my mother.
Nothing good comes of it.
I'll change the rest of these later.
- I've gotta go pack.
- For what? Why?
I'm going to Paris
for a couple of weeks.
- You're going to Paris?
- Oh, I thought I told you.
Sorry to bring you both
all the way back out here,
but you gotta help me.
I gotta get back in her good graces.
Oh, I'm such a fool.
Well, here's the thing, Ralph.
If that is in fact your real name.
- It is.
- My name is Ralph Martoni.
Just not the Ralph Martoni I said I was.
- Why would you lie about it?
- I didn't mean to.
One of the guys at the place thought
I was that Ralph Martoni.
- The ball player.
- Yes.
Your mother heard I was
this big time athlete.
Suddenly she was intrigued.
And your mother, she's a catch.
- Well...
- Hand to God,
every guy in the place is trying
- to make a move on her...
- Okay, all right.
I think you made your point.
It's not that I lied, I just...
Well, you certainly withheld the truth.
- Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah?
- Yes, I withheld.
- Right.
Ralph, you don't wanna withhold.
Withholding is bad.
I've always said, "If you withhold,
- that's like the worst...
- I would stop.
Okay.
Your mother deserves so much better.
To lie to a woman of such grace,
of such distinction,
a woman so esteemed as Sylvia,
the former U.S. ambassador to Ghana...
Ghana, Ma? Really?
I should feel bad? He lied to me.
Yes, but you didn't know he
was lying till we told you.
You told him about your supposed
ambassadorship weeks ago.
Well, how do you know
I didn't already know
he was full of it from the beginning.
- Did you?
- Oh, please.
The day I met him.
Ralph Martoni, the baseball
player, died in 1958.
He got hit by a balloon.
What, I don't know how
to use the internet?
And you never confronted him about it?
Sweetheart, we're older people.
Our stories, perhaps,
they're not so exciting or...
So when we meet someone new,
maybe we pad our resumes a little.
Make ourselves more
interesting or desirable.
So what? Everybody here does it.
Well, Ralph feels really
badly about lying to you,
and he'd like to try
to make things right.
So why is he sending you?
Why can't he say so himself?
Ralph!
You're up, and I didn't
mean that in a baseball way.
Sylvia, I just want to say one thing.
So say.
I never played baseball,
I never met President Eisenhower,
and I never climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.
You never mentioned Kilimanjaro.
Well, I was saving it for the holidays.
Forgive me?
Why am I such a sucker for sweet talk?
You're forgiven, Ralphie.
But no more stories.
Scout's honor, and I
really was a boy scout.
All right.
Well, in the spirit of
honesty and forthcoming-ness...
isn't there something
you want to tell Ralph,
Madam Ambassador?
Fine.
Ralph,
when I told you
I was the U.S. ambassador to Ghana
from 1977 to 1981, that wasn't true.
It was only '77 to '79.
- Look who's here.
- Hey.
Did one of you try to hack
into my Monkey Cove account?
I got an alert when
I signed in this morning.
Wait, you still use that?
Every day. It's comforting.
Really? The monkeys are comforting?
Yeah, the nice ones.
The way the world is...
I need it.
I didn't realize you need Monkey Cove.
It lowers my anxiety, and
it's cheaper than therapy.
Okay. All right. We'll
keep the account open.
Thank you.
Mom, can you help me?
I was looking for something in my room
- and I can't find it.
- Yeah, what is it?
It was on my dresser. It's blue.
It's got the shmooey and it's...
Ooh, ooh, honey. You know what?
We don't use the word "shmooey" anymore.
- Why not?
- Why not?
- It's hard to explain.
- Because it refers to a girl
who touched your father's
privates in a closet.
What are you doing?
Going to Monkey Cove.
Happy with yourself?
She had other problems before this.
All right, here's Emily.
She turned six in August.
- Aww.
- And here we have Anthony.
Right, he's 4 1/2.
- Vincent says he's a handful.
- Aw, he's adorable.
You gotta show these to
Mabel when she gets here.
All of the sudden, she's
got like a niece and a nephew
and cousins... or half
cousins. Quarter cousins.
Whatever they are. She's
gonna be very happy.
Can you believe this, Paulie?
I mean, in one day, I become a father
and a grandfather.
And, oh, here's the cherry
on top of everything.
- Oh, now you got a cherry too?
- Yep.
- Okay.
- Vincent's mother, Italian.
Which makes me the father
of a half-Italian child.
I'm practically Italian.
Yeah. Actually no, but
okay, I'm happy for you.
You know what? I have a
much better sense now
of what you and James
have been going through.
I mean, my son comes into my life.
We connect in a profound way,
and, boom, then he's gone. I mean...
you know, this empty
nest thing, it's brutal.
Yes.
I mean, I must say that
I really do think that the
hands-off parenting approach
has worked well for me.
- Hands-off? 'Cause you missed 31 years.
- Yeah.
I know. Come on, Vince is bright.
He's a successful architect.
He's happily married.
Doesn't want anything from me.
I mean, you and James have
done a great job with Mabel,
but maybe there is a thing or
two you could learn from me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Okay, I really need your help.
You have to put more
money in my account.
Not a lot. Like 60
bucks. Nah, make it 80.
You know what? Just make it 100,
and could you maybe
give that to me in cash
'cause I think I lost my ATM card.
And my insurance card,
so you might have to give me
another one of those. I am starving.
Will you teach me?
- Yes, sir.
Could you give me that
password again, please?
Yes. Okay, the password is "shmooey".
- "Snoopy?"
- N... shmooey.
S-H-M-O-O-E-Y.
If that doesn't work,
try shmooey1 or Dshmooey.
- Capital D, lowercase shmooey.
- What's a shmooey?
Nothing. It's just... it's
a made-up, all-purpose word.
You know, like, "Hey, I
can't find the shmooey".
Or "What happened to the
shmooey for the thing?
You know? Or "Oh, no! I just
broke the thing off the shmooey
so now the whole shmooey's
no good", like that.
- Ah. Like "thing-a-ma-jig".
- Exactly.
A "what-cha-ma-call-it".
- You got it.
- A "doo-hickey".
I think we're on the same page.
Well, in our house
we just say "shmooey".
Like, so every account
my wife and I have...
online, ATM, all the
passwords are "shmooey".
Probably shouldn't have
told you all that, but...
Can I put you on a brief hold, sir?
Yeah, okay, but listen, when you people
say "brief" it's never really...
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ I love you like I do ♪
♪ Tell me who ♪
♪ Can stop my heart as much as you ♪
♪ If we take each other's hands ♪
♪ We can fly into the final frontier ♪
- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪
- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Final frontier ♪
- Hey, you.
- I'm on hold.
So I'm walking the dog and
this really cute young guy
on a bike says, "What's his name?"
Oh, cute guy? So was he hitting on you?
Calm down. He was like 21 and super hot.
I'm much, much more calm now.
I tell him he doesn't have a name,
and he says, "Yes, he does.
He looks like a Walter".
What do you think? Walter?
Walter. I don't know.
Who names a dog Walter?
Who names a dog Murray?
Hey, you make a
good point. I don't know.
Hi, Walter.
Huh. Walter it is.
- Ha.
- Hey, hey, okay.
You're changing for dinner, right?
Uh, I guess.
Your mother made the
reservation for 4:30.
Yeah, I know. Who eats dinner at 4:30?
Retirement community people.
Yeah, why 4:30?
I'm guessing 3:30 and 4:00
gets snapped up pretty quick.
So listen to this.
I'm looking over our
credit card statement.
Do you know we've been paying
for like the last 12 years
$8.99 a month for something
called "M.C. International"?
- Mr. Buchman?
- Speak of the devil... yes, hi.
- Is Maber Buchman there?
- "Maber"?
It seems the account was
opened by Maber Buchman,
- so he or she...
- She.
She's the only one authorized
- to close the account.
- Okay, no, but I'm...
- I'm Maber's father.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Would you like to
speak to Maber's mother?
Stop saying Maber.
I'm afraid only Maber can handle this.
Ok... fine, I'll have Maber
get in touch with you then.
Thank you for not quite helping me.
Thank you for calling Monkey Cove.
I remember Monkey Cove.
Mabel used to love that game.
Yeah, but $8.99 a month for 12 years?
We could've bought our own monkey.
Then we'd have a monkey.
Hey, Monkey, it's your father
calling about something
critically important.
Call me back.
You notice I said critically.
She's not calling you back.
- What's "CCTY"?
- Huh?
There's a charge here, $49.50 for CCTY.
Here's another one last
month. What is that?
Oh, I thought I mentioned that to you.
It's a... it's a cigar thing.
Cigar Club... something.
Every month they send you
a couple of nice cigars.
Since when?
A couple of months ago
I signed up. "To You"!
- What?
- CCTY.
Cigar Club To You.
That's what it's called.
Oh. You never told me.
I thought I did.
Okay, I didn't. I didn't, but you...
- How well do you know me?
- I know.
And if we're keeping secrets
- from each other... Oh, really?
- That's not a secret.
Yeah, I just know you don't love
that on occasion I smoke
- an occasional cigar.
- I don't.
Right, so I didn't want to bother you.
And yet, here I am bothered,
so how's that working out?
Not so good! Really.
All right, terrific,
so now we can have this
hanging in the air
during the lovely dinner
with my mother. Terrific.
I'm excited to meet this new guy.
Ugh. Okay, I'm telling you right now.
If she calls him a boyfriend
or anything like that,
- I swear...
- Be happy she met someone.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I think it's sweet she
wants us to meet him.
Yeah, yeah, plus, it's
like an hour and half
on the train to get there.
Paul, what is the real issue here?
It's not an Oedipus
thing, like I'm afraid
he's replacing my father,
anything like that,
if that's what you're
thinking, Dr. Freud.
Then what is it?
It's just this guy.
I don't want him touching my mommy.
♪♪
How long have you lived here, Ralph?
Not long. I lived at a community
down in Tampa for a couple years.
But this is much nicer.
And the lady residents
are much nicer too.
Such a flatterer.
Paulie, jump into the conversation.
- The water's fine.
- Yeah, no, no, all good.
Or maybe your phone is so fascinating.
No, I wasn't looking at it.
I'm expecting an important call.
Okay.
So how was the train ride out?
Not too terrible, I hope.
- No, it was fine.
- Good,
'cause when I didn't
see you two for so long,
I thought maybe the trains
don't come out this far anymore.
So what else is news?
I started working again.
Oh, good for you, sweetheart.
- What are you doing?
- I'm a therapist.
You?
- Meaning?
- Oh, nothing, I suppose.
Why not? You've always
been a good listener.
Bert used to say... my
wonderful late husband,
may he rest in peace...
he always used to say
Jamie was an excellent listener.
I don't recall him ever saying that.
Well, maybe you weren't listening.
Ralph, tell them what
you did for a living.
Oh, it was a long time ago.
So modest.
Ralph used to play baseball
for the major leagues.
- Really?
- This was before your time.
Washington Senators.
1953 to 1956.
Wait, wait, hold on. What?
I played third base,
and again, only for...
Wait a second. Ralph Martoni?
You're that Ralph Martoni?
My handsome baseball player.
Holy shit!
- Language.
- Sorry.
Holy shit. We...
my cousin Ira and I, we
used to trade baseball cards
and I swear I remember your card.
You... they used to call you "Catfish".
Good for you. Me and Catfish Hunter.
- Yeah.
- But I was the first one.
- "Bats lefty, throws righty".
- Very good.
Oh, my God, Ralph Martoni!
Ralph Martoni.
It's Ralph Martoni! Look at...
What about Yo-Yo Davalillo?
I always loved that name.
- We gave him that name, Yo-Yo.
- Really?
His real name was like
a yard and a half long.
And he was short, right?
Like, the shortest guy to
ever play in the majors.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Gene Verble? First base?
- Second.
- Second base.
- Satchel, we called him.
What about...
I like that they're getting along,
but this is ridiculous.
How long have they been at it?
An hour and ten minutes.
I'm 85 years old.
I don't have this kind
of time. Stop them.
Bunky Stewart. You ever
play with Bunky Stewart?
Honey, do you remember we
have that thing in the city?
- Nope. So...
- Well, I remember. Get up.
- So nice to meet you.
- Oh, okay, gotta go.
Well, this is a pleasure.
Y'know, I'll come back.
We'll do this some more, right?
Ma, what a guy... what a great guy.
Nice to see you. Remember, Cookie Rojas?
- Say bye-bye.
- Gotta go. Bert Campaneris?
You ever... Zoilo Versalles.
That was a good one.
- You're kidding. The Catfish?
- Yep.
Your mother is dating
Ralph The Catfish Martoni?
I don't know if I would
use the word "dating".
- Oh, they're dating.
- What... what do you mean?
That nice guy you like so much?
He's touching your mommy.
- That is so cool.
- Okay, do you mind?
You know what, I have
some very exciting news
of my own that may even top your news.
Oh, really? What, your mother
bang Carl Yastrzemski?
See, it's not so funny when
it's your mother, is it?
I got the results back from
the DNA test that I took.
And? Are you Italian?
Didn't even open it yet.
I was waiting for you.
That's very sweet.
So you could eat a little Italian crow.
- Corvo.
- Huh?
The bird, the crow. Si.
Corvo. Or la cornacchia.
Ah, grazie.
Okay, corvo. Here we go.
Click on it, baby.
Okay.
Um, but listen, if for whatever reason,
- you don't get the answer you want...
- You know what,
I don't even want you to do it now.
You're gonna drip your bitter skepticism
all over everything.
Here you go. You try.
You're a much nicer person.
- Hmm.
- Go ahead, click.
Oh, dear.
What? Is she messing with me?
Is this like a little fake-out
before she tells me I'm Italian?
I don't think that's a fake-out.
Okay, so you telling
me it's not a fake-out?
Is that the fake-out?
Ira, remember: no test is infallible.
What's important is what
you believe in your heart.
Trust me, I know.
Every fiber in my being,
I know that I'm Italian.
- You're not Italian.
- Take that back.
I'm just reading what it says.
It says that I'm not Italian?
97% Romanian-Polish
and 3% Dutch and Icelandic.
Dutch and Icelandic?
That... that's crazy! I'm not...
I'm not even 1% Italian?
How can this be?
Hm? Sorry, I was thinking
about Ralph again.
What, what, what?
You know what? The hell with this test.
This test is spazzatura. It's garbage!
I know who I am and I know what I am.
Boy, the Dutch are so excitable.
♪ Ralph Martoni, Ralph Martoni ♪
♪ I love Ralph Martoni ♪
♪ I can't believe I'm
friends with Ralph Martoni ♪
Hey, Monkey, it's your father again.
Call me back. Listen.
Yesterday I said it was
critically important,
but to be honest, that was just a trick
to get you to call me back.
But today I'm not ki...
hold on a second. The police are here.
What... you want to
take her away... hey!
Take her hands off of her! You can't...
That should do it.
- Babe.
- Yes? Oh.
Yeah, I'm not sure how to tell you this.
- I just found out...
- What, what, what?
Ralph Martoni died.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my... what? How crazy is life?
You meet a guy, and
your whole world changes,
and then he's gone the next day.
- No, no, no. No, Sorry.
- Oh, my God.
The Ralph Martoni that we met yesterday
is fine as far as I know.
So who died?
Ralph Martoni who played
third base for the Senators.
He died in a hot air
balloon accident in 1958.
I just looked it up.
He fell out of a balloon?
Well, no, the balloon fell on him.
He was standing with a group
of people who all managed
to get away, but I
guess Ralph was too slow.
Third basemen, never
known for their speed.
See, if he was an outfielder,
probably be alive to this day.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
So if Ralph Martoni is dead,
who did we meet yesterday?
I have no idea. We've
got to tell your mother.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh, this is not good.
I know. She's being lied to.
Nah, I mean we got to
take the freakin' train
out there again now.
Hey, open for lunch at 11:30.
Oh, no, I'm not, um... I was just...
- You're Ira Buchman.
- That's right.
Wow. Hi.
Um, my name's Vincent Maslin.
This might seem like an odd question,
but did you take a DNA test recently?
Oh, I knew it. You're
here from the company.
You came to tell me you
made a horrible mistake.
No, no, I'm not from the company.
The thing is, I also used the site,
and I signed up to get alerts
for possible DNA matches and...
I think I'm your son.
I don't think so.
I don't know much,
kid, but I'm 100% sure
that I don't have a kid.
Come to Papa.
Amazing.
So do you remember my mother?
Oh, Vincent.
I am a man of honor,
and this is the God's honest truth,
I don't remember her at all
because I never met her.
- You're how old?
- 31 next month.
That would be right. Here's the deal.
The fall of 1987,
I wanted to buy this really
nice set of Marantz speakers.
Yeah? Top of the line, great bass.
Only problem... I didn't have the cash.
So I donated my sperm one time
just to make up the shortfall.
People did that then.
And so voilà. Here we are.
Speaking of cash, you need anything?
Oh, no, no. Pop, I'm good.
- Say that again.
- I'm good.
No, no, no, before that.
Pop.
Give me another one.
Buongiorno.
Ah, Lucia!
You're not gonna believe this.
Listen, I want you to meet someone.
Vincent, this is Lucia.
- Hello.
- Ciao bello.
Lucia, this is Vincent, my son.
No. No, no, no, no.
- Through sperm?
- Si, mio sperm.
Oh.
Oh.
Bravo.
Look at this: mia famiglia!
Oh.
We had to tell you, Sylvia.
We felt like we didn't have a choice.
You know, and we know you're upset.
If I'm upset, it's with the two of you.
Who asked you to poke your noses
into my personal business?
Have I ever involved myself
in your private affairs?
Uh, yeah.
Do you think I ever told Jamie about you
getting cold feet before the wedding?
I knew about that.
That's perfectly normal.
Did I tell her how you
wanted to marry Davy Crockett?
I was seven,
and it was really more about
the hat than anything else.
Your father and I were ready to support.
We were forward-thinking that way,
which we never really got credit for.
Okay.
- Mom...
- I also never told Jamie
about you and Debbie Schmulovitz
in the downstairs closet.
Okay, here we go. I was nine.
I went looking for
the drapery attachment
- for the vacuum cleaner.
- Mm-hmm.
I opened the door, and there he is
with his pants around his ankles,
and she's touching his shmagegee.
This explains why things didn't work out
- with Davy Crockett.
- Yeah.
- Look, Mom...
- You and Debbie Shmooey.
Shameful.
Look, Mom...
What?
Debbie Shmooey.
Her name is in every
one of our passwords.
Okay, first of all,
I thought I told you.
Not only did you never tell me,
you never thought you
told me, so don't tell me
you thought you told me.
Second of all, shmooey,
if you'd like to know
the etymology of the word,
The etymology. Good Lord.
Maybe a long, long time ago,
you know, it perhaps had
the slightest thing to do
with Debbie Schmulovitz, but over time
it just became... it was
like a funny, made-up word.
Yeah, made-up word that
refers to your old girlfriend
from the naked closet.
She was not my girlfriend,
and, other than that one time,
that was a perfectly respectable closet.
Well, whatever, I'm
changing all the passwords.
Oh, no, no, why?
- Please don't.
- Doing it.
No, no. I'll never be able
to learn new passwords.
- You know that.
- It's just so icky.
Shmooey has been woven into the fabric
of our life together.
All the remote controls are shmooeys.
The hand can-opener's a shmooey.
That thing that we always... the, uh...
- The wrench?
- No, no, we plug in all the...
- Under the dryer thing?
- No, no.
- The little shmooey that we...
- Ha! See?
Ha, what?
You just proved my point.
That's my ha, not your ha.
You wanted to name the dog Shmooey.
You call me Shmooey sometimes! Ew!
Yeah, but that's only when I can't think
of your name fast enough.
Lovely, and by the way,
this is exactly the same as
your little cigar club secret.
That wasn't a secret.
It was information you were
deliberately withholding.
I wasn't withholding.
I just didn't mention it bec...
Okay, that one I was withholding.
- Yeah. Thank you.
- Yes.
But I thought I told you.
No, you didn't thought you told me.
See, this is why we should
never visit my mother.
Nothing good comes of it.
I'll change the rest of these later.
- I've gotta go pack.
- For what? Why?
I'm going to Paris
for a couple of weeks.
- You're going to Paris?
- Oh, I thought I told you.
Sorry to bring you both
all the way back out here,
but you gotta help me.
I gotta get back in her good graces.
Oh, I'm such a fool.
Well, here's the thing, Ralph.
If that is in fact your real name.
- It is.
- My name is Ralph Martoni.
Just not the Ralph Martoni I said I was.
- Why would you lie about it?
- I didn't mean to.
One of the guys at the place thought
I was that Ralph Martoni.
- The ball player.
- Yes.
Your mother heard I was
this big time athlete.
Suddenly she was intrigued.
And your mother, she's a catch.
- Well...
- Hand to God,
every guy in the place is trying
- to make a move on her...
- Okay, all right.
I think you made your point.
It's not that I lied, I just...
Well, you certainly withheld the truth.
- Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah?
- Yes, I withheld.
- Right.
Ralph, you don't wanna withhold.
Withholding is bad.
I've always said, "If you withhold,
- that's like the worst...
- I would stop.
Okay.
Your mother deserves so much better.
To lie to a woman of such grace,
of such distinction,
a woman so esteemed as Sylvia,
the former U.S. ambassador to Ghana...
Ghana, Ma? Really?
I should feel bad? He lied to me.
Yes, but you didn't know he
was lying till we told you.
You told him about your supposed
ambassadorship weeks ago.
Well, how do you know
I didn't already know
he was full of it from the beginning.
- Did you?
- Oh, please.
The day I met him.
Ralph Martoni, the baseball
player, died in 1958.
He got hit by a balloon.
What, I don't know how
to use the internet?
And you never confronted him about it?
Sweetheart, we're older people.
Our stories, perhaps,
they're not so exciting or...
So when we meet someone new,
maybe we pad our resumes a little.
Make ourselves more
interesting or desirable.
So what? Everybody here does it.
Well, Ralph feels really
badly about lying to you,
and he'd like to try
to make things right.
So why is he sending you?
Why can't he say so himself?
Ralph!
You're up, and I didn't
mean that in a baseball way.
Sylvia, I just want to say one thing.
So say.
I never played baseball,
I never met President Eisenhower,
and I never climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.
You never mentioned Kilimanjaro.
Well, I was saving it for the holidays.
Forgive me?
Why am I such a sucker for sweet talk?
You're forgiven, Ralphie.
But no more stories.
Scout's honor, and I
really was a boy scout.
All right.
Well, in the spirit of
honesty and forthcoming-ness...
isn't there something
you want to tell Ralph,
Madam Ambassador?
Fine.
Ralph,
when I told you
I was the U.S. ambassador to Ghana
from 1977 to 1981, that wasn't true.
It was only '77 to '79.
- Look who's here.
- Hey.
Did one of you try to hack
into my Monkey Cove account?
I got an alert when
I signed in this morning.
Wait, you still use that?
Every day. It's comforting.
Really? The monkeys are comforting?
Yeah, the nice ones.
The way the world is...
I need it.
I didn't realize you need Monkey Cove.
It lowers my anxiety, and
it's cheaper than therapy.
Okay. All right. We'll
keep the account open.
Thank you.
Mom, can you help me?
I was looking for something in my room
- and I can't find it.
- Yeah, what is it?
It was on my dresser. It's blue.
It's got the shmooey and it's...
Ooh, ooh, honey. You know what?
We don't use the word "shmooey" anymore.
- Why not?
- Why not?
- It's hard to explain.
- Because it refers to a girl
who touched your father's
privates in a closet.
What are you doing?
Going to Monkey Cove.
Happy with yourself?
She had other problems before this.
All right, here's Emily.
She turned six in August.
- Aww.
- And here we have Anthony.
Right, he's 4 1/2.
- Vincent says he's a handful.
- Aw, he's adorable.
You gotta show these to
Mabel when she gets here.
All of the sudden, she's
got like a niece and a nephew
and cousins... or half
cousins. Quarter cousins.
Whatever they are. She's
gonna be very happy.
Can you believe this, Paulie?
I mean, in one day, I become a father
and a grandfather.
And, oh, here's the cherry
on top of everything.
- Oh, now you got a cherry too?
- Yep.
- Okay.
- Vincent's mother, Italian.
Which makes me the father
of a half-Italian child.
I'm practically Italian.
Yeah. Actually no, but
okay, I'm happy for you.
You know what? I have a
much better sense now
of what you and James
have been going through.
I mean, my son comes into my life.
We connect in a profound way,
and, boom, then he's gone. I mean...
you know, this empty
nest thing, it's brutal.
Yes.
I mean, I must say that
I really do think that the
hands-off parenting approach
has worked well for me.
- Hands-off? 'Cause you missed 31 years.
- Yeah.
I know. Come on, Vince is bright.
He's a successful architect.
He's happily married.
Doesn't want anything from me.
I mean, you and James have
done a great job with Mabel,
but maybe there is a thing or
two you could learn from me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Okay, I really need your help.
You have to put more
money in my account.
Not a lot. Like 60
bucks. Nah, make it 80.
You know what? Just make it 100,
and could you maybe
give that to me in cash
'cause I think I lost my ATM card.
And my insurance card,
so you might have to give me
another one of those. I am starving.
Will you teach me?