Mad About You (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Will to Live - full transcript

Still can't believe it.
My age, has a heart attack.

- And the right age would be?
- Yeah, I know.

But, still, you know, you don't
picture people your own age dying.

Will you zip me?

And he supposedly took
great care of himself, Gonzo.

Well, according to Ira, anyway.

And "Gonzo", why?

Uh, "Ganzenmuller". Eddie Ganzenmuller.

So, "Gonzo".

He was really more Ira's pal than mine.

but I'll tell you, the two of them...



Does this dress make my
back skin look squished?

I... I don't see it, no.

- Eh.
- It's just so scary.

All right, I'm putting
a sweater over it.

What? No.

No, I'm saying all the funerals.

How many funerals we're going to.

Suddenly, everybody we
know is dying or falling

or hurting themselves...
and doing nothing.

Remember that guy downstairs?
Broke his wrist opening cereal?

He was much older than us.

Ow!

- What'd you do?
- My neck.

- What?
- I was trying to close my pants.



I strained a little too hard.
I popped a thing in my neck. Ow.

You hurt your neck putting on pants?

Yes.

No, that's all right.

You know, uh, usually
you don't see a marimba

in a eulogy, but I... I felt it added.

Paulie, I'm telling you,
something is not right.

I don't trust him.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

No, no, knowing Gonzo,
I bet he's not even dead.

- This may all just be a set-up.
- What?

- Asshole...
- No, listen to me.

There's no way Gonzo dies

without sticking me with that card.

- Help a girl out.
- She... tell her.

Okay.

When me and Gonzo were little kids...

Twenty-five, but go
ahead with the story.

Okay.

We used to trade baseball cards.

Then, one... one day we came
across a card of a guy...

Actual name: Dick Pole.

Already so delightful.

I'm not even making it up.

Last name: "Pole". First name: "Dick".

He didn't think to go
with "Richard" or "Rich"?

"Richie"?

- "Ricky"?
- I... I know.

You would think, right?

And we just thought it was the
funniest thing in the world.

Dick Pole.

I mean, what can I say? We were kids.

Yeah, yeah. Again, 25, but you...

So anyway, we... we somehow
made up this silly game

where, you know, we'd...
Paulie, what are you looking at?

- Huh?
- No, I pulled a thing in my neck.

Putting on pants.

So anyway, we had this dopey game

where the person who got stuck
holding the card was "it".

He was Dick Pole.

So in order to not be Dick Pole,

we had to go back and forth
and try and come up with ways

to trick the other guy
into taking the card.

For instance, three weeks
ago, I baked it into a calzone,

sent it to the guy's house,
and he never saw it coming.

- Dick Pole.
- Yeah, he's a real guy.

- You can... you can look him up.
- I'm going to.

Yeah. And, oh, by the way,

even though Gonzo is "supposedly" dead,

I'm telling you, that dirty bastard...

- Ira.
- Louise.

Mm.

Hey, do you remember my cousin Paulie?

Of course. Thank you for coming.

Of course. This is my wife, Jamie.

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you. Did you get
to know my husband?

I didn't, but I've
heard so much about him.

Such a wonderful man. Rock solid.

You know, bless his heart,
he left everything in order...

all our affairs...

which is such a blessing
for me and the children.

Such a mensch.

Well, thank you all for coming.

- Of course.
- Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Okay, she's very sweet,
but I'm telling you,

someone is gonna drop that
card on me here tonight.

- Watch.
- Did you hear what she said?

He had all his affairs in order.

We... we don't have
any affairs in order.

Okay, here it is. "Dick Pole".

I told you. We're not rock solid at all.

- Oh, my.
- What?

Okay, there are so many
better names than Dick Pole.

- You're gonna kick yourselves.
- What are you looking at?

"Top 20 Baseball Players
With Funny Names".

You ready?

Stubby Clapp...

- Cannonball Titcomb...
- Wow.

- Jack Glasscock...
- All right, you know what?

- Johnny Dickshot...
- No, are you serious?

What, am I making this up? Pete LaCock.

Okay, sweetie.

- Oh... oh, this is unfortunate.
- What?

I mean, he spells it
with a "K", but still.

- What?
- You ready?

I don't know, just... what?

Rusty Kuntz, okay?

- What?
- Sweetie...

Aren't you embarrassed
you went with Dick Pole

and left Rusty Kuntz on the table?

Sweetie, you know what?
We... that's enough.

- We got it.
- Tony Suck.

Also, sweetie... you
know what, my darling?

- Pussy Tabeau.
- Okay, all right.

We... so sorry.

If you were looking for dead passports

or the seating chart

for our wedding rehearsal
dinner, found them.

We don't even have a
copy of our own will.

Did we ever even do one?

Yes, yes, right before Mabel was born.

Remember that lawyer we found?

I don't even have the guy's name.

- Okay, this is interesting.
- What?

All right, remember
that life insurance policy

we took out 20 years ago?

- Yeah.
- It was a 20-year policy.

Expires Tuesday.

Seriously? Wow.

Yeah, so if you're
thinking of pushing me

in front of a bus, try
and do it by Monday.

- Gurwitz.
- Gesundheit.

No, Marty Gurwitz was the
attorney who did our will.

- Yes, very good.
- This is from Mabel.

"How are you enjoying Rishi?"

I don't know what that means.

Does she mean "sushi"?
"How are you enjoying sushi?"

In general?

How are we enjoying sushi in general?

What is she talking about?

"Daddy is wondering, do
you mean in general or"...

Oh, hi!

I... I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to startle you.

Mabel said you were both out.

I'm Rishi.

"Is Rishi, by any chance,

a person you let into our house?"

Just one second.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I could have sworn I asked
you if he could stay here.

Yeah, no, you didn't.

Well, I think he's a
very nice young man.

Isn't he great?

Yeah, he's in my "Gender
and Urbanization" seminar.

So smart.

Yeah, well, he fixed our printer,

so I gotta second that "smart" comment.

And you two are...

- No, we're just friends.
- Oh, all right.

And... just curious... he's
staying here because... ?

Oh, yeah. He was suspended.

Uh, suspended for what, if I may ask?

For coming to class naked

as a political statement.

Ah.

What was it exactly he was stating?

Well, it was in support of a girl

who was suspended last week

just for being topless on campus.

Can you believe that? That's so unfair.

So unfair.

Really? What... what's unfair?

The whole... the entire...

The subjugation of women.

- The subjugation.
- Okay.

- The systemic bias...
- Hello.

The way women have been marginalized...

I have for sure been marginalized.

The patriarchal...

Don't get me started on the patriarchy.

If I hear one more straight
white man blabbing on...

You're blabbing on pretty
good yourself, I gotta say.

Hello.

- Oh, hey.
- I took the dog for a walk.

I hope that's okay.

Also, I noticed he had
a raw spot on his paw.

I put some aloe vera ointment on it

and he seems much happier.

- That's, uh, thoughtful.
- Thank you.

Hey, by the way, I can
probably fix your neck.

- My dad's a chiropractor.
- Oh, no, that's okay.

You know what? Actually,
sweetie, we gotta get going too.

Yeah, where are you guys
going all dressed so fancy?

- We're meeting with a lawyer.
- You guys getting divorced?

No, we're not getting divorced.

We're actually... we're
getting our affairs in order.

You know why?

So that when we're dead,

you won't have to worry about anything.

Oh, okay, cool.

We should probably get going too.

Where are you two off to?

- Nowhere.
- We're organizing a protest.

Yeah, you are.

A protest?

Hey, you're the ones who taught me

to be socially conscious
and politically active.

- That was her.
- What are you protesting?

Well, we've organized
a group of students

to march through the
dining hall naked to show...

Whoa, whoa, I think we know
what you're gonna be showing,

but, uh... excuse me a sec. Sweetheart,

do you really think
that's a wise choice?

I mean, think about it:
someday in the future,

you're gonna want to go for a
job interview, and you don't...

I don't think you want
the first thing they see

to be pictures of you
naked next to salad.

It's not about being naked.

It's about gender inequality

and sexualization of the human body.

Yes.

Do you know some schools
are clothing-optional?

Yes, you should
absolutely have the option

to wear whatever you want to wear.

No, Mom.

Uh, clothing-optional.

Like, you don't have
to wear clothes at all.

Oh, oh. Oh, yes.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

I've heard of that,

but I insist that that can't be true.

It is.

Okay, everything else aside,
it's just so unhygienic.

No, it's not, because women's bodies

produce healthy bacteria...

- Okay, I don't...
- It's true.

Did you know that the vagina
is a self-cleaning organ?

Terrific, maybe you can
have it go clean your room.

Honey, I think you're a grown woman,

and you should do
whatever you choose to do.

Exactly, thank you. Bye, I love you!

- Bye.
- Hey.

Hey. My friend, Rishi.

- Hi, how are you?
- So nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

- Boyfriend?
- Nope, they're not having sex.

They just march together
naked for political purposes.

So what's all this?

Okay, so what we have here

are gifts bequeathed to us from Gonzo.

They came to the
restaurant this morning.

- That's so sweet.
- Paulie, it's a trick.

I guarantee you, Dick
Pole is in one of these.

Splinky, I swear, you...

Okay, you open it.

- Fine, which one is mine?
- Here.

You know what? You're a bit of a nut.

- I'm not.
- Yeah.

- What...
- Okay, look at that.

Why would he leave you a watch?

I have no idea.

Oh, I know.

Oh, my... years ago, we
were all at this thing

and he was wearing...
I remember, I commented.

I said, "Hey, that's a nice watch".

And he said, like, as a joke,

"Thanks, I'll leave
it to you when I die".

So not so much a joke.

Well, this is not a watch.

Yeah, all right, open it up.

- No, I...
- Oh, you big baby.

- You want me to do it?
- No, no, no, no.

I'll do it.

You're so silly.

A penguin?

Why would he leave me a penguin?

Did you ever tell him
you liked his penguin?

I'm asking. I don't know.

- There's no card.
- Well, we know it's from him.

No, no, there's no Dick Pole card.

Oh.

Wait, so why would he
leave you a penguin?

I just said I don't know!

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Buchman.

My name is Yung Hee. I'll
be working with you today.

- Hang on, where's Marty?
- Marty Gurwitz?

- Yeah.
- Oh, he retired a long, long time ago.

Really? He... he was younger than me.

Okay.

So your estate, such as it is...

it seems much of what we have here

is extremely outdated.

- You know what, we've been busy and...
- Raising a teenage daughter.

No, the truth is, we're
just... we're very bad

at this kind of stuff.

Well, hopefully many of these issues

won't be pertinent for years
and years to come, but...

But we should fill
them out before we die.

That would be helpful.

For example, I see nothing specified

as to your medical
directives, your DNRs.

- What?
- "Do not resuscitate".

- Oh.
- Should one of you be medically incapable of...

I know what I want.
Do not resuscitate me.

- Thank you very much.
- Really?

Yeah, I don't wanna stick
around and be a burden

to you and Mabel.

- Would you?
- What, be a burden?

Who am I to not be a burden?

- If I may...
- I'm sorry.

- Please.
- Go ahead.

There's the issue of burial, et cetera.

Okay, well, that... that
one I know we covered

'cause my family has a plot...
a cemetery plot in Queens.

That... that should be in there.

Yes, but I see there was an
amendment made by Mrs. Buchman.

- There's what?
- What'd I do?

Yes, um, 17 years ago:

a handwritten amendment
stating that Mrs. Buchman elects

to, instead, be cremated.

Wait a second.

Yeah, okay, okay.

I... I kind of recall doing something.

"Her ashes to be preserved and comingled

with the remains of her
daughter, Mabel Buchman".

Okay, yeah, I know what it was.

Yep, it was right after Mabel was born.

I was still having these
wild hormonal surges.

Up and down and up and down.

I was just insanely in
love with being a mother

and I thought, "I can't ever
be separated from this child".

But me, not a problem.

To be honest, I think I was
kind of banking on the fact

that, statistically, you
would probably die first.

So you wouldn't know about it
'cause you'd be already dead.

What else did you want to know?

I just can't believe you
would even consider that.

I'm sorry.

That's the whole point.
I mean, the whole point.

- "Till death do us part".
- Yes, "till".

"Until death". After that, we can part.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I truly didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

- Okay.
- How about this?

You get cremated too.

Come on, it'll be fun!

Okay, well... all right, here's
my concerns about cremation:

first of all, it seems hot.

And also, I don't know,
just the whole idea...

I'm so used to being in solid form.

I don't know how I would do as a powder.

- Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.

How come you're back so soon?

How did, uh... how did it
go with your naked parade?

Got postponed to tomorrow.

Couple of the girls wanted to tan first.

Hey, I hope it's okay

I'm whipping up a little
lunch for everyone.

- Yes, thank you.
- That's so nice.

- Hey.
- He's so sweet.

Here. Hey, sweetie let
me ask you, all right?

And honest answer. Honest answer.

If you didn't have a place
to visit us when we're dead,

you'd be upset, right?

- Sure.
- See?

Okay, but... but, but,
but... what if I get cremated

and then way down the
line you get cremated

and we co-mingle our ashes
together, just you and me.

- Eww.
- See?

It doesn't feel so good
when someone denies you

in the afterlife, does it?

I... I don't understand.

What do you have against
being buried in Queens?

I love your family,
I'm fine with Queens...

- But?
- We always do what you want to do.

Well... okay.

- What?
- Okay, yes.

I'll get... I'll get cremated too.

Really? Oh, my God, yay.

You see? We're making progress.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

So what do you want us
to do with your ashes?

What... what do you mean, "my ashes"?

We're gonna be comingled.

I thought we were gonna
comingle together, right?

Oh, no.

I was thinking separate.
I need a little space.

A second ago you were very happy

to comingle with our daughter.

Well, that's different.

That sweet baby girl comingled
with me from the beginning.

We've had practice.

And not to continue your
super creepy thought, Mom,

but for my ashes to be
comingled with yours,

I'd have to be dead.

which means for the next 50, 60 years,

I'd have to drag your
ashes around with me.

So every time I move, I gotta
remember to take you with me?

I'm not signing on for that.

Okay, what if we
mingled us all together?

Yes! No, no, no, no, no, this is good.

I'll get cremated.

A third goes to you...
there'll be less to carry...

a third to Daddy, and a
third someplace pretty.

Yosemite. I've never been.

Just put down "undecided".

Yeah, it's that... that guy, Gonzo.

Okay, okay.

Dick Pole, Dick Pole.

Rishi, this is delicious.

Oh, I'm so glad you're enjoying.

Oh, here we go: "25
Creative Alternatives

for Burial-Slash-Handling
of Loved Ones' Remains".

What a helpful guy.

Why are you encouraging them?

I'm just trying to
be a good house guest.

"First up: send them off
with a Viking funeral".

What is that?

You put the remains on a boat,

then you shoot a flaming arrow

that lights the whole thing up at sea.

Let's do that.

Let's hear the other 24.

Uh, "You can tattoo yourself

using ink made of your
loved ones' remains".

I love that.

"Compress your departed's remains

and turn them into a dazzling diamond".

I wanna do that.

Okay, we're not gonna do that.

"Scatter your loved one on the field

of their favorite sports team".

- Eh.
- Oh, that's interesting.

- Really?
- I... I'm not committing.

I'm... I'm just considering.

I will be leaving the room now.

When you guys decide
to talk about something

less emotionally damaging, let me know.

- Go ahead.
- "Shoot your dearly departed into the sky

using an ash-scattering cannon".

Another great one. I love all of these.

I wish I could die more than once.

Yeah, it's a shame.

Okay, how about this:
"Have your loved one's ashes

ground into a paste with olive oil,

vinegar, herbs, and spices

to make a zesty marinade
for steaks and chops".

Let me hear about the
Viking thing again.

Penguin, penguins, penguins, penguins.

Antarctica, Antarctica.

Okay, cold, cold, cold.

Pittsburgh Penguins,
Pittsburgh Penguins.

Hockey, hockey... hockey
puck, hockey stick.

Stick, stick. Wood, wood.

Wood... wooden stick, wooden stick.

Wooden pole! Dick Pole!

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

Chicka-chicka.

Gonzo, you're killing me.

Okay.

I know you're in there,
you son of a bitch.

I think maybe you not so well.

You know what, let's
just do it your way.

Let's all be buried with your
family in Queens, all right?

I thought you don't want to do that?

I don't, but I want to keep
talking about it even less.

No, I want you to keep
talking about it even less.

- Just stop.
- All right, all right.

- Again, if I may...
- Yes.

Something my parents would
do in this kind of impasse:

they'd put their choices
into sealed envelopes

and then just pick.

That way, it's decided
by the hand of fate.

- Okay, yes?
- The... yes, that's smart.

I gotta say, I don't know
how we managed before

- without Rishi. It's unbelievable.
- Okay, so...

No, so... wait, you're
gonna write them down?

Do you want to write them down?

No, you can write them. I trust you.

Do you?

Yeah.

- Okay, first choice.
- Me?

Buried together in
Queens with my family.

All right, got it.

Second choice?

Cremated, scattered in Yankee Stadium.

Always wanted to play center field.

- "Cremated Yankee Stadium".
- Got it.

The center field. Center field.

Put "in center field".

"Center field".

You ever been to Yankee Stadium?

If the timing works
out, you'll come with.

Okay, my first choice is
"cremated and split in thirds".

One third goes to you. Do
whatever you want with it.

One third goes to Mabel...
Rishi can have my third.

I hate her so much.

One third Yosemite National Park.

Okay, and your second choice?

- Viking funeral.
- No...

It's my choice.

All right, now what?

Now, we take all the
envelopes, shuffle them up...

- Mm-hmm.
- And then just pick.

Well, who... who picks?

Would you like to pick?

- You can pick.
- I think you should pick.

- Somebody freakin' pick.
- Maybe you should pick.

Let's ask him to pick.

Rishi, you can pick.

I would be honored.

- Go ahead, you pick.
- Okay.

Now what?

Now we put it somewhere safe,

ideally an independent third party.

- The lawyer?
- Smart.

Okay, yes, yes.

Perfect, and there it
shall remain sealed.

Neither of you can look
at it until such time

- as the first of you shall pass on.
- Okey-dokey.

Okay, I'm headed uptown anyway.

You want me to drop it off?

What?

- Okay, not that you would...
- Oh, my God.

Well, how do I know
that you're not gonna

on the way look at it and if
you don't like what it says,

maybe, you know, change
it to what you want?

Are you kidding me?

All right, I'm sorry
I said that out loud.

- Okay, love you.
- Do you?

Eh...

Well, that was fun.

Yeah, the kitchen was a blast.

We actually have to get going too.

- The protest?
- Yep.

Can I please persuade
you to rethink this?

Mm, nope. Love you.

Uh, okay.

Thank you so much for your hospitality.

Hey, yeah, great having you.

Are you sure you don't want
me to help fix your neck?

- It really is quite simple.
- No, you know what?

- I think it's probably better...
- Are you sure?

Wow, that's fantastic.

- Thank you!
- My pleasure.

- Go Yankees!
- Yeah.

Wow.

What a guy.

Wow.

You know, he said we can't
look at the ones we picked.

He never said we can't look
at the ones we didn't pick.

Right? Say something
if I shouldn't look.

You didn't mean it.

"Buried together in Queens".

Okay, well,

guess who didn't get his first pick?

- You.
- What?

You're a very nice girl.

You opened the other envelopes?

No. Okay, yes.

You put my first choice
in every envelope.

Whatever.

You care about it more than I do.

If it means that much to
you, that's what we should do.

You... you're a nice girl.

Hey, your neck!

I know, can you believe it?
Rishi, one crack.

- Wow.
- Sorry we're late.

- Hey.
- How'd your naked protest go?

- Very successful.
- Really cool.

We even got some press coverage.

- Oh, well, that's fortunate.
- Great.

Good.

I think we really started an
important public conversation.

Yeah, I would imagine you did.

- Hey, how's your neck?
- It's fantastic.

I gotta... I haven't turned
this much since junior high.

Look. Boop-boop.

Here.

So I broke the penguin.

Nothing. Empty. Niente.

- Okay, Splinky, I swear...
- No, Paulie, it's coming.

Trust me, it's coming.

No way Gonzo dies without
sticking me with that card.

Is it possible that, as a man in his 60s

and approaching his own death,

Gonzo had, I don't know, let it go?

I guess, maybe.

- Uh...
- Oh, pardon me.

- Did you see that?
- What?

Did he just put something in my pocket?

What?

Ah, here we go:

"Naked Students March On Dining Hall:

Naked Lunch Turns Heads and Stomachs".

Cute. Oh, great photo.

- Mabel, there you are right in front!
- Whoa!

Ow! Neck!

- I can fix it.
- Don't touch.

- Ira.
- Oh, Louise, hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, this is awkward.

Did we, by chance, send
you a ceramic penguin?

- Yes.
- Oh, I'm so relieved.

That was meant for my son.

I'd love to get that back if I could.

Oh, um... you know what?

Actually, it's at home.

I... I could get it to you tomorrow.

Oh, no need. You can call my son

- and arrange for him to pick it up.
- Oh, sure.

I'll tell him to expect
a call from Dick Pole.

Yeah, baby.

Son of a bitch!