Mad About You (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Erotica and Expulsion - full transcript

- Honey.
- It's a phase.

- He'll grow out of it.
- You know, you say that, but...

Just pretend he isn't there.
That's what I do.

Yeah, easy for you to
say, 'cause you don't know

where his other paw is right now.

All right, you know what? That's it.

I'm sorry, he's going
in the living room.

- You know what's gonna happen.
- I don't care.

He's gonna have to get used to it.

Come on, come on. There you go.

All right, enjoy the living room.



Sweetie, it's been going
on for almost a week,

and I'm telling you, if
I don't get some sleep...

Good luck.

Sleeping?

Fine, let him in.

You'll be happy to know
your dog is now sound asleep.

Yeah, sure, 'cause it's
9:00 in the morning.

At night, not so much.

What about the other
one? The two-legged one?

- I think she's awake.
- Mm.

Yeah, you know, I'd be awake too

if I just got kicked out of college.

It would just be so nice
to know what happened.

When she's ready to talk about it.



- I understand.
- I'm not gonna push.

Okay.

- Good morning.
- Hi, sweetie.

You got kicked out of college?

- Nice.
- She seemed ready.

- Sweetie.
- Okay.

Do you wanna know what happened?

When you're ready to talk about it.

I think she's pretty
ready to talk about it.

- Yes.
- Okay.

Do you want NYU's version or mine?

'Causer theirs... it's a little
exaggerated, if you ask me.

Whatever... just tell us what happened

and whatever it is, we'll
work through it together.

I mean, it's not like
you've committed a crime.

- Oh, no.
- You committed a crime?

You need the backstory first.

No, I need a sedative first.

Would you just tell us
what happened, please?

So my gender studies class...

"Mars and Venus Through
The Lens Between Us"...

my professor was making the argument

that true equality can only
come from true understanding,

and then he posed a question

as to whether or not true understanding

between the genders is truly possible.

- Of course it is.
- Absolutely not.

Exactly. Is gender equality possible?

I say no. So we had to write a paper

based on an experiment of our choosing

to prove or disprove our hypothesis.

Mm, you know how when you stub your toe

it doesn't hurt right away,

but you know the pain is coming?

That's this. What?

Please just tell us what happened.

I... roofied Rishi.

- Good lord.
- You what?

- You roofied Rishi?
- Our Rishi?

As part of the given assignment, yes.

I slipped a date rape
drug into Rishi's drink.

Oh, my God, is he okay?

Of course.

- I mean, he will be, eventually.
- Oh, my God.

You know, the thing is that
everybody was doing these

dumbass experiments.

I chose a form of sex discrimination

that's been ignored:
the date rape culture

and how it's used to control women

with a perpetuation of fear
that men don't experience.

Well, that's good. That's very good.

- Yes, but she did...
- Was bad.

- Very, very, bad.
- Guys, I'm not stupid.

I did the experiment in my dorm room

under controlled conditions,

and I had Rishi sign a consent form.

Wait, if you had Rishi's consent,

why did you get kicked out?

Some antifeminist angry
white guy down the hall

narced me out to the
RA, who had to report it,

and that was it.

The dean said she had
no choice. I was out.

"Out" is not an option.

You have to get back in.

I don't know.

You know, maybe school isn't for me.

Really? Okay, And what's
the other option?

- I don't know.
- Yeah, okay. Exactly.

So call the dean and tell them

we would like to come in as a family

and talk this over, and
we'll get it figured out.

Okay, okay.

- You want some orange juice?
- Sure.

No, I'll get it myself. Thank you.

Mr. and Mrs. Buchman, if
this were just one infraction,

this would be a much
different conversation,

but given the impressive
list of offenses

committed by your daughter...

"A list"? There's actually a list?

Mabel's been a very busy bee.

The physical altercation
with her roommate?

That was a misunderstanding

for which she has totally apologized.

A fire safety violation

for having a lit
candle in her dorm room.

Totally my fault.

I packed the candle in her stuff

when we took her to school.

Yeah, so that's more her fault, really.

Dean Warren, I'm completely confident

that Mabel is very remorseful.

Yes, extremely remorseful,
I think we could say.

You're awfully quiet

for someone with so much remorse.

- Well, to be honest...
- If I may?

Please.

As the subject of Mabel's
controlled experiment,

I was totally aware of
the limited risks involved.

Thank you, Rishi.

Did you hear that? "Limited".

Thanks, I caught that.

Not only was I more
than willing to help her,

I believed wholeheartedly
in the point she was making

about gender inequality,
and it was my true pleasure

to contribute to her work.

What a guy.

Well, you're certainly a good friend.

Well, I try to be.

So you have no lingering side effects?

None.

Well, actually, on occasion...

and it's happening much
less frequently, I...

muffins!

I shout random words,

but it is getting a lot better.

In all candor, this young
man's refusal to press charges

is the only reason you're talking to me

instead of law enforcement.

Oh, I don't think there's any reason

to involve law enforcement.

Look, Dean Warren, we can't
change the past, right?

So is there anything we can
do to... to get our daughter

back into your great, great,
and very forgiving school?

I'm afraid the rubber has met the road

as far as your daughter
and her time here

at New York University.

So there's nothing
that she could say or do

to get herself readmitted?

I'm sorry, but for now,

I think it's best we part company.

Oh, that... that actually wasn't a "no".

No, that was a no.

Oh, and just so we're totally clear: no.

Well, on the bright side,

you guys get all that
tuition money back.

Ooh, and also a no.

In the event of expulsion,

tuition and all other
fees are forfeited.

Okay, well, so much for the bright side.

Muhammad Ali!

Totally getting better.

Taking some time off from
school is perfectly acceptable.

I did it. I did it in between
college and med school.

Yeah, it was the best thing I ever did.

I went backpacking all through the U.S.,

climbed the Grand Tetons,
then made my way into Nebraska,

where, unfortunately,
I contracted thrush.

And then I made my way down south

where these... these
hoodlums stole my backpack

and I ended up getting
arrested for vagrancy,

and then I spent a night
in jail in South Car...

you know, I think it's best
that she go back to school.

- Okay.
- What did I miss?

Uh, thrush, a backpack,

and Mark agrees Mabel
should go back to school.

You know what, you guys?

Can we please talk about something

- other than our daughter for one minute?
- You're absolutely right.

So I'm listening to this
book the other day...

Something our grandparents never said...

"I was listening to a book".

And the reader... the narrator
sounds like you exactly.

But I mean exactly.

Leonora prayed the sound of the train

would mask her sobs
from any who might hear,

save for the strapping,
ebony-skinned man

who suddenly appeared in the
empty seat across from her.

Right?

"'Is this seat taken?' he asked,

the words falling like dark, sweet honey

on Leonora's ears.

It is you! I knew it!

I know! My wife has a secret talent.

Go ahead, tell them, tell them!

An old friend of mine
started an audiobook company.

He called one day and he
said, "You should do these.

- You have the perfect voice".
- Doesn't she?

Apparently I have the perfect voice.

Sultry, yet not tacky.

Powerful, not overbearing.

Arresting, yet still soothing.

But your name's not on here.

It says "Antonia de Reinas".

"Tonya from Queens".

I love it.

Play some more.

Please, just for me. Just for me.

An electric shock
ran through her loins

as she envisioned the
forbidden pleasures to come

on that thundering train of love.

Oh, yeah.

Wait a second, you're into erotica?

- Since when?
- High school.

Really? Okay. And why?

Are you gonna whisk me away

to your mountain retreat in the Pyrenees

and describe the curve of my neck

and the softness of my shoulders

for two full paragraphs?

- Yeah...
- I didn't think so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, what is that...

- I know that smell.
- Shh, it's patchouli.

I'm massaging Walter behind the ears

with patchouli oil.

- It's supposed to be calming.
- Oh, I love that.

I had a girlfriend in tenth grade...

Melissa Friedman... smelled
like that all the time.

- Shh, I think he's sleeping.
- Oh, hallelujah.

Just have to be a little creative.

Okay, your very tired
husband thanks you profusely.

You're welcome.

Okay, Melissa, you have
really let yourself go.

I'm sorry.

I... I don't know
what else to say, okay?

I'm sorry. I really am.

About everything.

And I'm... I'm really
sorry about the money.

It's not about the money.

Yeah, but it's not
not about the money.

It's very much not not about the money.

- What?
- Don't worry about it.

We appreciate the apologies,

but what you need to be doing right now

is figuring out how you're
gonna get back into NYU.

You heard the dean.
She said no several times.

Sweetie, you're not
gonna get anywhere in life

if you accept every "no" you hear.

You hear "no", you gotta question it.

Push back.

- I don't think I can.
- Really?

Because every "no" we ever threw at you

from age three to like an hour ago...

zero problem pushing back against those.

Yeah, you guys are easy.

Well, isn't that delightful?

This is not going to be easy,
turning this "no" into a "yes".

Find a real, true argument

for why they should let you back in.

Something you believe in 110%.

Yeah, something that
totally comes from you.

Okay.

What should I say?

It can't come from us!
That's the whole...

Do you not hear us when we speak?

Start thinking about it.

Okay, so your dog...

- Is he okay out there?
- Oh, yes.

Luis is with him. Don't worry.

Your dog is now favorite
person in the whole street.

- Everybody love him.
- Oh, good.

I hope it's okay, I give him just now

a little bit of ossobuco.

- He loved it.
- Well, you know what?

Dogs rarely say no to a piece of veal.

I don't give him whole
piece in one time.

I give him little bit,
little bit, little bit,

and after last little bit,

I see his eyes start to go closing.

I think this will help him sleep.

I give you some to take home.
You try with him tonight.

Oh, thank you.
Listen, we'll try anything.

Remember, not all at one time.

Yeah, no, no. Little bit,
little bit, Little bit.

- Got it.
- Thank you, Lucia.

That's very kind of you.

So, you figure it out?

What?

What you're gonna say to the dean.

God, give me some time.

Hey, welcome to the real world, kid.

You don't always get
all the time you need.

Yeah, yeah, I know what
the real world is like.

Oh, really? Do you?

I do. What?

What, do you want me
to get, like, a job?

What do you mean, "like a job"?

If it's like a job, it's probably a job.

Yes, until you get
yourself back into NYU,

I think it's a very good idea.

Okay, fine. I will get a job.

You don't just say "I'll get a job"

and one magically appears.

- That's not how things work.
- It takes time to get a job.

It takes effort.

It takes skills to get a job.

What, you need a job? That's so funny.

We were just talking
about bringing somebody on.

- You're hired.
- Great.

- Hey, 10:00 tomorrow morning.
- See you then.

Well, you guys were right.

The real world is so hard.

Mmm.

Okay, I don't want to jinx anything,

but Walter's in the living
room and I think he's asleep.

He didn't even flinch
when I walked past him.

Oh, praise the Lord.

Hurry up, get into bed. Shut the lights.

- Let's hit the hay.
- Oh, no, my phone's out there.

No, don't... don't go out there

'cause you're gonna wake him up.

- Well, I'm not gonna...
- Seriously, you can live

without your phone for one night.

- I'm begging you.
- Shh, fine.

Shh.

Good night.

His basketball uniform, damp with sweat,

clung to every muscled inch of his torso

and his round, proud posterior,

and in that moment, to
myself, I whispered,

"Game on".

Okay, this patient, I'm
telling you right now,

can be very distracting.

- How so?
- Very nice guy.

Open, easy to talk to,

but he wears very tight biker shorts

at every session.

So he's environmentally conscious.

- How is that bad?
- He doesn't own a bike.

Okay, I don't know what
this dog's been eating...

Ossobucco.

Yeah, well, he just "ossobucco'd"

- all over the lobby.
- Oh, my God.

Your mother tells me
you're starting a job today.

Yeah, you'd better get
going. Don't be late.

Yeah, I was thinking, Mommy:

what if I start work tomorrow

and today you and I hang out?

Just catch a movie. Get a mani-pedi.

- Have some time to reconnect.
- Uh-uh.

- When did I lose you?
- At "Mommy".

- Go to work.
- Yeah, yeah.

Go be a wonderful, productive part

of the American economy.

Good luck, baby!

I think it'll be good training for you

if you have to deal with a patient

whose issues are a little...

well, hello, handsome boy.

- Wow, he really likes you.
- And mama likes you.

What a big, strong,
strapping young man you are.

Wow, he really likes you.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- It's your voice.

He recognizes your voice.

- Well, I'm here often enough.
- No, that voice.

Your "good doggy" voice is just the same

as your "hot sex on the train" voice.

I don't think so, and even if it was,

how would he know that?

Okay, last night I
left my phone out here,

and your audiobook was playing.

It put him right to
sleep. It was a miracle.

- My nasty romance stories.
- Pretty sure, yeah.

Okay, I know you're sleep deprived...

No, no, no, no, you watch.

Little did Rose know

that the young boy she'd
not seen since childhood

would become the man who'd
break her heart not once...

Do you see? It's your voice.

It is not my voice. It's your bagel.

He smells your bagel.

No, no, no, this is not bagel related.

All right, exhibit B:

notice I am stepping away.

The bagel is completely unprotected,

and yet, he makes no move for it.

Okay, now I'm gonna call him.

Hey, Walter. Come here, buddy.

Not responding to the sound of my voice.

And now...

But a third time,

- which would be Nicholas's crowning blow.
- Yeah.

Had she not felt the
cruelty in his lips,

the indifference of his cool voice...

- It is your voice.
- It's not my voice.

It's your phone. He thinks it's a toy.

It's not the phone, and to prove it,

I'm gonna put the phone down.

And exhibit C: do one of your books.

- Excuse me?
- Do one of your naughty, dirty books.

Honey, call me old fashioned,

but I am not performing
erotica for your dog.

It does not have to be erotica.

Say anything. Tell
him about your morning.

Cover all the mirrors,

because I will not be able
to look at myself after this.

This morning, I got up at 7:00...

No, no, no, use the voice.

- I'm better than this.
- Just do it.

I made two poached eggs this morning

with two pieces of buttered toast.

Then I checked my mail, and then I...

All right, it's the voice.

All right-y, we open for lunch at 11:30,

so... so the tables
should be set by 11:00.

Set by 11:00. Got it.

Oh, yeah, you always gotta

check the glasses for water spots.

Lucia sees water spots,
she's not gonna be happy.

Um, do you mind if I ask a question?

- Do you recycle?
- Oh, yeah, of course.

Now, the napkins...

That's great, 'cause it feels like

most people are killing
the planet for sport.

Do you have a food waste program?

- Uh... uh, definitely, yeah.
- Good.

Good, 'cause composted food scraps

can fertilize a community garden

that gives families
access to fresh produce.

You know what, I actually knew that.

So, the napkins.

About the menus:

some of your prices seem a little high.

Do you ever consider doing
a "pay what you can" thing?

"Pay what who can"?

Did she just call me a Communist?

Eh, no. No, no, no, that's Italian.

"Comunista" means
"lovely helpful niece".

So, um...

I don't want to jinx it,

but I think we're in for
a long, restful night.

Look at that. Genius.

It's like a DJ, only furrier.

And you just keep those on, buddy.

It's gonna be you and your
friend Tonya all night long.

It's kinda late.

- You expecting anybody?
- Nope, not me.

Ooh, late-night visit's never good.

I'm... I'm gonna stay positive.

I'm gonna say it's the Rockettes

with free tickets for the
"Christmas Spectacular".

- Uh, hey.
- Okay, not spectacular.

So sorry to bother you guys so late.

- Are... are you sleeping?
- No, come in.

Is everything okay?

How'd it go with Mabel?

Uh, yeah, that's kind of the thing.

Oh-ho-ho. What is she, fired?

Yeah, actually.

- Oh, boy, what happened?
- You're kidding.

- Uh, come sit.
- Oh, boy.

Uh, okay, Paulie, James,

y-you know I love Mabel.

- We both do.
- Love her.

Like she is my own kid.

Like our own child, which we don't have.

- Yeah, she's so smart.
- So smart.

- Such a good heart.
- Big beautiful heart,

Eh, but as an employee...

The most worst employee.

- Yeah, not a good employee.
- Okay.

We're so sorry. How was she not good?

Like, what did she do?

"What did she do?"

Well, I... I don't want
to give you the full list.

Oh, another list.

During her first break,

she tried to unionize the staff.

She... she called my
meat guy a murderer.

Not to mention we had six lobsters.

She had the busboy take
them down to the East River

to set them free.

We're so sorry.

How did she take it when you let her go?

Uh, I'm glad you asked.

Uh, could you tell her?

Better, I think, to come from you.

You are her parents.

You she already no like so much.

Uh, sure.

- Okay.
- Ira, Lucia, what's going on?

- Is everything okay?
- Mabel.

Uh, you know I love you.

I love you so much.

Yeah, okay, okay. She
gets it, she gets it.

Yeah, good night. Good night, everybody.

Okay, thanks, guys.

I'm fired, aren't I?

Well, you're not not fired.

Oh, well. Doesn't matter.

Uh, actually, it does. It matters.

I strongly suggest you
make a plan for the dean.

Mom, Dad, calm down.

It is totally figured out.

- What is figured out?
- The plan.

Tomorrow morning, I am pushing back

against the dean's "no"
with an amazing argument.

And the best thing?

It's totally coming from me.

- Oh, Lord.
- Okay, that's not good at all.

So let me understand this:

you want to construct
an entire course of study

based on the premise

that this country's
higher education system,

including this university

which you are attempting
to get back into,

is antiquated, ineffective, and useless.

Pretty much.

I can't believe I'm
saying this, but go on.

No disrespect,

but institutional learning?

Dead.

All you read about these days

is college degrees
having little or no value

and how the pursuit of said degrees

plunges young people into crippling debt

for years and years.

And I admit, I'm a rule-breaker,

but this is a very important
time for rule-breakers.

Responsible ones who ask questions

and push back

and challenge an out-of-touch
educational system

that doesn't see how
out-of-touch it truly is.

Ms. Buchman,

do not make regret what
I am about to say...

but welcome back.

- Thank you.
- The Treaty of Versailles!

Justin Timberlake!

I think I'm just excited.

Yeah.

"We sat across from
each other at the table,

the distance between our chairs

feeling like a vast divide

we could not resist crossing".

"We were hungry for the meal

that only we could supply
to each other in private.

We could wait no longer.

Our hands flew out to each other,

clutching hair, clothing,

and our warm, wanting bodies".

I'm good.