Mad About You (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Real Estate for Beginners - full transcript

I... I really think we've made progress.

I do, too, I have to say.

Yeah, I don't know if it's
just coming in here and

- talking it out.
- I think we're in a much better place

than we were a few weeks ago.

Oh, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm just... that's adorable.

It's so sweet that you both think that.

I don't think that's very helpful.



I know, but I already told you,

I think this marriage is a goner.

I'd love to help, but I got nothing.

So that's it?

Well, I certainly wish
you both the best of luck,

but yeah.

Show's over.

[SCOFFS] Okay.

Well, now, hang on a second.

If you really want to keep trying,

I do know someone who
might be able to help.

A friend of mine.

She runs a marriage boot camp

out of the Berkshires,



and as luck would have it,

there happens to be one
scheduled for this weekend.

- A boot camp?
- Yeah.

Every couple I've ever
sent there comes back

saying their marriages
are totally rejuvenated.

That sounds promising.

Well, it's probably sold out,

but let me make a call and
see if I can get you in.

You wanna?

Well... sure.

Let's try it.

As long as it's not one
of these touchy-feely

candles and crying things

where you can't talk unless
you're the one holding the...

the... the... what's the...

- Box?
- No.

- You know...
- Earmuffs.

No, on a beach. You find it on a beach.

A coconut?

Am I calling?

- Yes, sure. Sure.
- I think you should just call.

Conch! Conch shell.

A conch shell.

Trying to think of conch shell.

[EASYGOING MUSIC]

♪♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart as much as you ♪

♪ If we take each other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly into the final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Final frontier ♪

- I'm actually looking forward to this.
- Me too.

Getting out of the city,

- some nice cool mountain air.
- Yeah, it'll be nice.

So even if the boot
camp thing is a bust,

which I'm sure it won't be...

come on, it's got the
word "camp" right in it.

Where is your sister already?

- She's on her way.
- Uh.

And for the record, still not 100% sure

about her dog-watching capabilities.

- It was 20 years ago.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

She lost Murray in the park

and then brings back an
entirely different dog,

like we're not gonna notice.

People deserve a second chance.

- Hey, you.
- Sorry I'm late.

Hey, big buddy.

You ready for two days
of fun with Aunt Lisa?

- Huh?
- He's super easy.

You just walk him around the
building three times a day.

That's so much.

Okay. What else?

His food is in the kitchen.

Here's his leash and his
squeaky turtle chew toy.

And do not take him... to the park.

Oh, come on.

You lose a dog one time.

May I remind you, I now care
for famous people's pets?

We totally trust you.

Okay, answer me this.

Jake Gyllenhaal's parrot: dead or alive?

- Oh... I'm gonna say alive?
- Correct.

Parker Posey's iguana?

Lisa, we know you're gonna do a great...

Lin Manuel Miranda's howler monkey?

Thriving, thank you very much. Okay?

Go have fun at your wedding camp.

Don't worry about a thing.

Call us if there's any trouble.

Well, there's not gonna
be any trouble, okay?

'Cause we're gonna have fun, aren't we?

- Go, go, go.
- Okay, okay.

Bye, doggie. Bye.

Hey, buddy. You wanna go to the park?

Oh, come on. It was 20 years ago.

It's starting any minute.

- Seminar room D, right?
- D... D or B, I heard.

I definitely heard D. Yes. Here we go.

- Oof.
- Ha! All right.

- Mr. and Mrs. Buckland.
- Right.

It's not the first time
I've been Mrs. Buckland,

and it won't be the last.

[MUTTERING]

Seriously?

If you didn't want to
do this, why didn't you

just say something when
Sheila brought it up?

I did.

Yeah, you said, "Sure, let's try it".

No... pardon me. No.

What I said was, "Well..."

Pause. "Sure, let's try it".

The "well" was a clear
indication of my reticence,

and the pause was where I was hoping

one of you was gonna jump in and say,

"Do you really want to do this, Paul?"

And to that, I real...
I would've said, "No".

Well... and this is the pause where

I'd like to hit myself in
the head with a hammer...

we came all this way, so we're doing it.

Suck it up, Mr. Buckland.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Buckland.

- I'm so glad you made it.
- Uh, it's Buchman.

Paul and Jamie Buchman.

Oh, great. We're just about to begin.

- Head in and find a seat.
- Thanks so much.

Oh. Excuse me.

Uh, we are looking for
the marriage boot camp.

- Oh, end of hall.
- Seminar room B.

I thought they said seminar room D.

I heard B.

Marriage boot camp is in B.

This is D, a teamwork-building seminar

for people who work in real estate.

Hi. Hi, there.

I'm Donna Lawson. Hi.

Have you guys done this before?

- Nope. First time.
- Oh, my God.

You are not going to believe
what's about to happen to you.

It's our third time.

Ever since the first seminar,

we have been operating
like a well-oiled machine.

Chelsea is amazeballs.

Wow.

- Hey, neighbors.
- Hello.

Jon, these are the Bucklands.

- Uh, Jamie and Paul Buchman.
- Buchman.

Jon. Nice to meet you. Where you from?

- New York City.
- Big market.

Big Apple.

Right. Yeah.

We're out of Dayton, Ohio.

And what line of work are you two in?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

"What line of work?" Funny!

I love it.

[TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYS]

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Better Together.

Please welcome best-selling
author, influencer,

lifestyle guru, and podcaster
Chelsea Stevens-Kobolakis!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Chelsea!

Yes, yes, it's really me.

[CHUCKLES] It's very exciting.

So before we get started,

I just need to ask my
assistant one question.

Steve? Steve?

Steve, come up here a second.

Steve, um, the confetti cannon

is supposed to go off
when I enter the room.

I am in the room.

Therefore, I have entered it,

and yet, here I am, confetti-less.

If you understand what I'm saying,

just tap your foot one time.

Okay. Just... thank you. Go.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, um,

this morning, I was
talking to my husband,

Greek shipping heir Stavros Kobolakis,

and I said, "Stavvie,

there's no I in team,

but there's a we in team".

And some of you might be thinking,

"Chelsea, there's no
W in the word team".

Well, there is the way I spell it, kids,

'cause I make my own rules.

In my most recent
book, "The We in Team",

I asked today's big question:

is your house in order?

Your house had better be in order,

or you cannot help anyone
else with their house.

Not unless yours is
organized, laser-focused,

with every part of your team

working as a cohesive, unified force.

- Whoo!
- Damn right, whoo.

Yeah.

Now, I see some familiar faces.

You, you.

What is the biggest thing
holding back your team,

in one word?

- Money.
- Oh, always number one on the list.

- You?
- Division of labor.

- What's your name?
- Jon.

Jon, I said one word.

I'm so sorry, Chelsea.

Okay, and uh, the Bucklands.

It's Buchman.

Yeah, that's what I said.

And your issue, Bucklands?

- Communication.
- Mm.

Another favorite,

or as Stavros says, "agapimeni".

So how long have you two been at it?

- 25 years.
- Ooh, impressive.

Has communication always been an issue?

You know, no, not really.

I mean, since Mabel left.

Mabel? An integral member of your team?

Completely.

Yeah. How long was she with you?

Oh, 18 years.

It was just the three of
us together for so long.

You know, and we knew
she'd leave eventually,

but I don't know. I was always hoping

that would be sort of a positive for us.

I was hoping that too.

Why do you say it like that?

Because you said it as if it was
just you who was hoping...

No. Well, if that's how you heard it.

- That's how you said it.
- That's not how I said it.

Okay, stop. Stop.

I see two people who are
just kind of out of sync.

You know, you start by saying
that communication is an issue.

Then all you do is talk
about this Mabel person,

and she's gone, but you just
can't seem to let her go.

- Am I right?
- [POSITIVE MURMURS]

I mean, stop talking about her.

You know, this is the team, right here.

The two of you, not...

- what's her name again?
- Mabel.

I said stop talking about her.

Both of you, both of you, let Mabel go.

Move forward.

Stop fixating on the past.

Okay? All right. Okay.

Okay, let's move these chairs
out of the way and get down...

For Christ's sake, Steve!

Okay, sit.

Who's a good boy, huh?

Yeah. You are. You are. Okay.

Now, don't make a fuss when
you see who it is, okay?

Just treat him like a normal
person, which he is, basically.

- Hey, Lisa.
- Hey, Jason.

Just came by to pick up
the keys for next week.

You just need me to
water the plants, right?

Yeah, that's it. Hey,
who's this guy, huh?

Hey! How you doing?

Wow, what a punim.

Whoo! What a sweetie.

- Yeah.
- What's his name?

- Walter.
- Ha!

How long you had him?

Like, 5 1/2 hours.

Uh, basically he's my sister's dog.

I'm just watching him for the weekend.

- So you got those keys?
- Yeah.

You know, I've been wanting
to get a dog for years.

- Hmm.
- Yeah. My wife's just not

comfortable with dogs,

but I bet she'd change her
tune if she saw this guy.

You are so handsome.

You are such a dignified
representative of your people.

Yes, you are.

[LAUGHING]

So you got those keys?

Let me ask you a crazy question.

You said your sister's out of town?

Yeah.

Can I... keep the dog for one night?

- What? N-no. Jason, I...
- No, no, no, no.

Wait, wait. Come on. I
have him for one night,

my wife gets to see how great he is,

she caves on the whole
"getting a dog" thing,

you... you pick him up tomorrow morning,

your sister is none the wiser.

It's a win-win all the way around.

Well, I did want to go to
this thing downtown tonight.

Yes! Go! Go to your thing!

Have some fun, right?

I mean, why should you
be deprived of a good time

because of your
sister's selfish demands?

Okay. Yeah. Deal. Okay.

You know what?

I'm gonna come by first
thing in the morning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lisa, thank you so much.

You're the best. You're the greatest.

First thing in the morning.

[THUDS]

Ugh, this is what I was afraid of.

Changed your mind already?

No, my jacket was just
caught in the door.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, you got this.

Now take that right foot

and take a half a step forward,

and then the left
foot, like, a baby step.

And jump to me.

Oh, well done!

Justine and Tina. Whoo!

Now, that's how a real team works.

All right. All right.

All right, let's bring
up Mr. and Mrs. Buckland.

Mrs. Buckland, you
will wear the blindfold.

Mr. Buckland, you will guide
her through the minefield.

Steve, come and re-scatter
the mines, please.

Steve.

[TOYS SQUEAKING]

We're finally ready. Okay.

Mr. Buckland, guide your partner safely

through the minefield.

We got it. All right, sweetie.

We got this. Here you go.

Okay, right foot forward,

like, a med... medium size...
like, you know how m...

like, between our couch
to the coffee table.

Like, that far.

You got it. Just... yeah, perfect.

You got it.

You got it.

I'm not gonna let you step on anything.

There you go. Yep. Good.

- [GROANS]
- There you go.

Right foot... yeah.
There you go. Perfect.

- You're safe.
- [GROANS]

No, Mrs. Buckland, don't
take the blindfold off.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Put it back... put it back on.

Steve, come and re-scatter the mines.

Oh, boy.

Steve! Dear lord.

[TOYS SQUEAKING]

Note to self:

Go to the local zoo.

Look for a new assistant.

Okay, that's enough. That's
enough. That's enough.

Enough, enough, enough!

Mr. Buckland.

Yes. All right, honey. We got this.

I'm not gonna let you step on anything.

Don't you worry. Okay.

Uh, right foot, uh, forward.

Nice... nice big step.

Big, nice step.

- Ahh, I'm so sorry.
- Mrs. Buckland!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Can I try one more time?

No. No, you're done. Sit down.

Does everyone see what's happening here?

Donna.

She doesn't trust her partner.

I trust my partner; I trust him

more than anyone else in the world.

Please, she totally
doesn't trust her partner.

- Jon.
- Yes?

Don't be a suck-up.

Mrs. Buckland, remember,

there is no team without trust.

Don't forget that.

All right, everybody, it's
time to focus on communication.

Whoo! Love it.

Love it.

The game is...

charades.

Each team will get five guesses

to correctly identify
a book or movie title.

The team with the fewer guesses

has the strongest communication skills.

- Jon.
- Oh! Okay.

Name your category, and
give us your first clue.

It's a movie. Here we go.

"The Unbearable Lightness of Being".

- Yes, that's it!
- Yes! Whoo!

Well done!

That's gonna be a tough act to follow.

Bucklands, you're up next.

Okay. All right.

Sweetie, you want to give the clues?

No, you can give the clues.

I trust you to do a good job.

It's a book.

"Sleeping Beauty".

Incorrect. Second guess.

"The Legend of Sleepy Hollow".

Incorrect. Third guess.

"The Big Sleep".

Incorrect. Only two guesses left.

"How I Killed My Husband".

- Is that a book?
- It's gonna be.

Final guess.

Come on. [CLEARS THROAT]

"The Color Purple".

How do you get "The
Color Purple" from that?

How do you get anything
from that? What was that?

You're gonna kick yourself.

"Anna Karenina".

I wanna start seeing other people.

She's had "Anna Karenina"
on her bedside table

for, like, ten years,

and every couple of
nights, she'll take it out,

read a page and a half,
and fall right asleep.

Uh, I can understand Mrs.
Buckland's frustration.

Thank you, Chelsea.

You gave her the same
clue five times in a row.

I... well, in all fairness,

one of the times, I went...

To... four that way, yes, but...

- okay, yeah.
- Sit down.

Giving your partner the
same clue over and over

and over

and expecting a positive result
is completely unreasonable.

And it's obvious, given her trust issues

and your unreasonable expectations,

this team is in serious trouble.

Well, things have been a
little bumpy, but I don't...

Yeah, we may have a couple
of problems, but I don't...

Do you want success for your team?

- Sure.
- Do you want to enjoy

shared accomplishments?

Do you want to put your competition

firmly in second place?

Then focus on your team!
Give your team everything!

Hook into each other and say out loud,

- "It's better together".
- It's better tog... okay,

I thought that was
gonna be a group thing.

Okay, that's lunch!

[APPLAUSE]

You want to go to the restaurant,

or just do room service?

Let's do room service. I'm exhausted.

- So what do you think?
- I don't know.

They got a French dip, I might do that.

I meant about today.

Oh.

It was just weird,

and that Chelsea, kind of a kook.

What was that whole trust issue
thing she tried to pin on you?

I know, I was thinking
about it in the shower.

Oh, hey, some of my best
thinking: shower-based.

She's right.

I do have trust issues. I
always have, even with you.

I mean, on a conscious level,

I don't think you're gonna leave me...

- Never.
- But underneath that...

Sweetie, it's all right.

- I know.
- You know what?

I know that's always
been a thing for you.

It was ever since we met.

It's all right. It's
part of the package.

I like the package, so I just, you know,

I work around it.

I just make sure you know
I'm not going anywhere.

Like how?

Like all the times I
tell you, "Hey, dopey,

I'm not going anywhere".

Well, like... and even if,
like, I run down to the store

or something, you notice I
always make a point of saying,

"I'll be right back".

'Cause I know you.

I don't want you to worry.

I like you.

Yeah, well...

I think you're more used
to me than anything else.

But to be honest, I'm
kinda hoping for hotel sex.

I'm not arguing with you.

Please don't leave me.

I won't,

and you can consider
that your punishment.

Gotta tell you, I think Chelsea
was kinda right about me too.

- How so?
- Oh, you know the whole thing

about unreasonable demands.

You don't make unreasonable demands.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Like what?

All right, here's a big one: Tahiti,

and then you...

really, you want me to
run down the whole list?

- I don't.
- No.

Maybe this is all we needed.

Just a little time away.

You know, no apartment, no dog,

no Mabel.

And just... and then a little, you know,

boot camp straight talk...

So maybe Chelsea, who seems certifiable,

is secretly a genius.

I think that might be, yeah.

Although I did not understand...
what'd she say about...

The thing about the competition...

- Second place. What is that?
- And second place?

- Oh, who knows.
- No idea.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Lisa!

- Lisa.
- Jason! You're hugging me.

[LAUGHS]

So how did the doggie sleepover go?

Well, he ate an onion.

Silly guy. [LAUGHS]

Is he okay?

See, here's the thing.

Uh...

[STAMMERING] No, the dog is fine.

The dog is fine. [WHEEZES]

But when you hear what happened,

you're g... you're gonna laugh.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES] Try me.

So I'm... I'm directing, uh,
a play on Broadway next year,

and I'm really hoping
to get Sigourney Weaver

to do the lead role. Right?

So I had a meeting here this morning

with Miss Weaver... going great!

[LAUGHS]

She sees Walter,

she falls in love, and she says...

"He's so sweet.

Can I have him?"

[CHUCKLES]

And?

This is the part I may have mishandled.

I said,

"Sure!"

'Cause I really need
her to do this part.

You gave Sigourney Weaver the dog?

- Yes.
- My sister's dog?

Who I'm responsible for?

- Yes.
- Well, how do I get him back?

That's the part I
haven't figured out yet.

Can't believe I'm gonna say it,

I'm actually looking forward to this.

Me too. If today's session

- is anywhere near as helpful as...
- Hi. Sorry.

Are you Mr. and Mrs. Buchman?

Oh, how refreshing to hear that.

- Yeah.
- We're the Bucklands.

I'm Mark. This is Mara.

- Okay. Hi.
- Hi.

- There you go.
- So embarrassing.

Totally our fault.

We switched seminars yesterday.

He heard Seminar Room D, I heard B.

Yeah, it was supposed to be in here.

We got stuck all day down
the hall in Seminar Room B.

At a marriage boot camp.

Wait if... if the boot camp's
down there, what's in here?

Uh, it's a team-building weekend

for people who sell real estate.

Can you imagine how dumb we feel?

Two idiots who spent a whole
day at the wrong seminar.

[LAUGHTER]

That's hard to imagine.

Yeah.

Yeah, do... hey, don't beat yourself up.

Again, very, very sorry.

- No.
- Sure. [CHUCKLES]

I can't wait to tell nobody ever...

- Agreed.
- About this.

Come on, can we get out of here, please?

Wait, wait, wait,
we've come all this way.

You wanna try the boot camp? Come on.

Well... Long pause.

- Come on.
- Do you hear the pause?

- Come on.
- That's a long pause.

Come on. Come on.

- Hello?
- Hey, we're home!

Walter? Lisa?

Okay, I don't like the sound of this.

- Call your sister, please.
- I'm already calling.

You know what? I knew there
was gonna be a problem.

I didn't want to say anything

'cause I was trying to be positive.

Okay, not in the bedroom!

- Voicemail.
- You know what?

If she lost another dog, I swear...

Ah! The newlyweds are here.

Come on up here! Come on up here!

Hello, friend.

Did you have fun with Auntie Lisa?

Has he been eating onions?

Not that I know of.

We had a lot of fun, right here.

He was with me the whole time

while you were gone... nobody else.

I gotta go because I gotta clean

Sigourney Weaver's kitchen
for the next six months.

[DOOR SLAMS]

- He's alive.
- That's the main thing.

Dog's alive. Okay.

I'm gonna text Mabel.

Why?

To let her know we're home safe.

Oh, sweetie, she doesn't
care that we're home.

Or safe.

She didn't even know we were away.

- I-I know.
- And besides, what is the new

world order going forward, huh?

I know. Let go. Let her be.

Yes, and... and not just
for her, for us, right?

Let's see if we can really do this.

Let's see if we can go a day,

or a week, without calling
her or thinking about her

or talking about her, because...

this is it now, kid.

- You and me.
- You're right.

Let's celebrate this new chapter.

The chapter of just us.

Okay, NYU kicked me
out, it was not my fault,

and I really don't
want to talk about it.

But on the bright side,
you got what you wanted.

I'm back.

That was such a short chapter.

All right, sweetie, I'm
gonna take Walter for a walk.

- Thanks, love.
- All right. Be right back.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- I got it.

Mr. Buchman?

Yes, hi.

Um, I-I was wondering...

Honey what happened to the...

Oh, my God. Hello.

I'm sorry to intrude.

I-I, uh, wanted to talk
to you about your dog.

Uh-oh, what'd he do?

I-I know your sister, Lisa.

Uh-oh, what'd she do?

Long story short...

- Oy vey.
- Ooh.

Y-your dog, uh, spent some time

with Sigourney Weaver this weekend,

and, uh, he ate an earring

that has great sentimental value to her.

I-I'm hoping to get
her to star in a play

that I'm directing next year,

and it would be a great help to me,

professionally and
personally, if we could...

Rectify the earring situation.

The earring that is...

Currently inside your dog, yeah.

Yeah.

You want to retrieve the earring?

Yes.

We'd like to see that.

[LAUGHS]

See, actually, I... what I was hoping

is that, maybe over the next day or two,

uh, y-you might be willing
to monitor your dog's, um...

Mm-hmm.

Excretions, if you don't mind.

So you want us to look
through our dog's poop

for Sigourney Weaver's earring.

Yes.

O-or... [WHEEZING LAUGH]

I could do it.

Okay.

Back in a bit.

Here we go.