Mad About You (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Cheese Stands Alone - full transcript
Paul and Jamie are forced to make a tough decision about the future of their home when a wealthy buyer expresses interest in their apartment.
Well, it seems like
there's a lot to discuss.
Who would like to go first?
Um...
[SIGHS]
Ah...
[SCOFFS]
Well, we're off to a dynamite start.
[EASYGOING MUSIC]
♪♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ I love you like I do ♪
♪ Tell me who ♪
♪ Can stop my heart as much as you ♪
♪ If we take each other's hands ♪
♪ We can fly into the final frontier ♪
- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪
- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Final frontier ♪
Look, I think we both have
the same goal here, right?
Sure.
I mean, we both really
want things to be better.
I just think we have a
different approach of...
as to how to get there.
Do you agree?
Sure.
Go on.
In a nutshell...
and tell me if I'm
misrepresenting you here...
but I think Jamie likes to
discuss everything she feels
when she feels it,
whereas I think, you
know, if an issue comes up,
sometimes it's better just to sit on it.
You know, a few days
of sitting on something,
and sometimes you don't even
remember what you were sitting on.
Or sometimes the problem
festers and explodes
until you end up dumping it
all over your unsuspecting wife.
And look who decided to play.
Like what happened Wednesday.
Not my proudest moment,
which is why we're here.
Well, it's not why we're here.
We're here 'cause I said...
No, but I agreed. I agreed.
Yeah, agreeing's not the
same thing as doing...
This is doing it your way.
[WHISTLES]
First off, let me say how nice
it is to see you both again.
The way you two banter, it's like jazz.
- Okay.
- That's nice.
I don't like jazz.
I think I have a pretty
good read on things,
so I'm gonna say something
that will save us all a
whole lot of time and money.
- Please.
- Okay.
You're done.
Done? We got, like, 30 minutes left.
No, no, no. Done as in big-picture done,
finito, Splitsville.
- Really?
- What?
Trust me, I've seen
it a million times...
the gray divorce.
- The documentary?
- That's "Grey Gardens".
The gray divorce?
Yes, very common for people
at your stage of life.
The nest is empty, you look
at each other and realize,
without a child in the home,
there's nothing left
holding you together.
Just memories, unfulfilled dreams,
and the tattered remains of
a love once sparkly and new.
Raisinet?
No, no.
Ah, that... that doesn't
sound right, I have to say.
No, no, no, no. It's
nothing to be ashamed of.
How long has it been for you two kids?
- 25 years?
- Yeah.
That's a good, long run.
You could walk away heads held high.
Yeah, on the other hand,
we're so close to death,
why not just stick it out?
All right, listen.
If you want to keep
talking, it's your dime.
I'm absolutely willing to give it a go.
But if we leave now, I could
still squeeze in half a Zumba.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪♪
Oh, afternoon. Table for one?
Oh, no, no, no. Mr. Buchman?
Yeah.
I just wanted to come
by and introduce myself.
I own the cheese shop two blocks down.
Oh, of course.
Cheese and Thank You.
I've smelled your place many
times when the wind is right.
Hercules Schlein.
Okay, maybe my favorite name ever.
Well, that makes one of us.
See, my parents thought the "Hercules"
would compensate for the "Schlein".
Turns out, 0 for 2.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, can I offer
you a little vino, Mr. Schlein?
Hey, sure. Why not? I'm not driving.
Well, you know, I seen
your place here go through
a lot of changes over the years.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
It was a Greek restaurant, then
Thai, then another Greek place,
then a RadioShack,
then a different Greek
place run by Thai people.
It wasn't great.
Are you the sole proprietor here?
Ah, along with my beautiful Lucia, yeah.
Very nice.
Let me ask you.
Where do you get your cheese?
I mean, who's your cheese supplier?
Meat, fish, produce... I'm unconcerned.
Uh, well, you know,
we're actually very lucky
'cause Lucia's family
has a farm in Italy,
so we get it straight from the source.
Oh, yeah.
I respect the commitment
to authenticity,
but I was wondering if
maybe you would consider
giving my cheese a try.
You know, keep things
in the neighborhood,
- if you know what I'm saying.
- Yeah, well, I get it.
You know, we support each other.
Of course, but in this
case, specifically,
I-I couldn't do that to Lucia's family.
You know, you understand.
Yeah, okay.
That's unfortunate.
- Huh?
- No, well, who knows?
Maybe your mind gets changed.
We'll see.
Nice meeting you.
Ciao.
Yeah, thanks for stopping by.
- I don't like him.
- Oh, don't worry.
We're not using his cheese.
"We'll see"?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Where I'm from, "we'll see" is...
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
- What, a threat?
- Si, this is a threat.
[CHUCKLES] Carissima,
"we'll see" is not a threat.
Okay.
We'll see.
Yeah, I-I hear it now.
- You good?
- Uh-huh.
Okay.
You don't want to talk about
this morning, what Sheila said?
No, thanks.
All right.
It's just...
it's kind of crazy that
she would even say that, no?
People are entitled to
have their own opinions.
Yes, but, I mean, come on.
That was... that was
kind of a wild opinion,
don't you think?
[CHUCKLES] Her...
You're not gonna join my little chuckle?
- What... what... what are you doing?
- I'm trying your way.
I'm sitting on it, but I
want to be sure to remember
all the things I'm sitting
on, so I'm writing them down.
That way, I can hit you
with them at a later date.
- When?
- Exactly.
What does that mean?
I don't know. Guess
we'll find out together.
Well, it's interesting,
because I'm actually trying your way.
I'm bringing up Sheila now
while it's bothering me.
And by the way, little
piece of advice...
if you're gonna sit on something,
you don't tell the other person
that you're sitting on it,
'cause they're not supposed to know.
Oh, my way of your way has
an extra-special feature...
I want you to know.
Well, I-I got to say,
I think I'm doing your way quite well.
It's made me very aware
of what bothers me.
I-I got to tell you this.
How about the time when
you met my Aunt Beverly
and you just swatted her in the face?
My God, first of all,
that was 20 years ago.
- Yes, but it's bothering me now.
- Second of all,
how was I supposed to
know that was a birthmark?
It looked like a caper.
Who... who has capers on their face?
I thought she had just
come home from brunch.
Be that as it may, how about this?
Maybe don't touch other people's faces.
What do you say about that?
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Sure, yeah. Put it down.
By the way, I could
get myself a pad, too.
Two can play at... maybe
that's a pad salesman right now.
- Hello. Mr. Buchman?
- Yes?
Hi. Sorry to intrude.
My name is Bethany Clark.
I'm representing a client whose name
I'm unfortunately not able
to disclose at this time.
I'll only say he or she
is a well-known individual
of significant wealth
interested in purchasing your apartment.
- What?
- [CHUCKLES]
I'm sorry. I know
that's a lot to take in.
My client loves this
particular building.
What gave you the impression
our apartment's for sale?
W-what do you mean?
Who's this mystery client?
I assure you, it is a name
you will readily recognize.
It is Jay-Z and Beyoncé?
That would be so cool if it was Beyoncé.
- It's not Beyoncé.
- Ugh, pass.
Rest assured, you'll
have the opportunity
to meet the buyer
before the sale closes.
Well, that's good. What sale?
- What?
- May I come in?
No, we're not interested
in selling the place.
The offer we prepared is
well above market value.
No, it's not about the money.
This is our home, and we...
Oh.
That's how much money we would get?
- Come on in.
- Come on in.
You know what? Make yourself at home.
You shouldn't be standing
out there in your high heels.
♪♪
[CHUCKLES] It's such a big number.
I don't know what I love
more, the zeros or the commas.
What did I say?
- What...
- Hi.
You guys remember Ashta.
- Hey, you guys. Hi, Ashta.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh, what a nice surprise.
- Thank you for having me.
Sure. Yeah.
Uh, the only thing is, sweetie,
we kind of wanted to talk
to you about a private family matter.
Oh, Ashta's family.
I wasn't made aware, but good to know.
Okay.
Well, we wanted to talk to you
about something kind of important.
It seems someone has
offered to buy the apartment.
Our apartment?
- Who?
- We don't know.
All we know is it's
somebody big and fancy.
- Is it Beyoncé?
- That's what I think.
- It's not Beyoncé.
- You don't know that.
- The woman said.
- She tensed up.
She's protecting someone,
and that someone...
[WHISPERING] Beyoncé.
Okay, it doesn't matter.
How... how could we...
I don't know. That's... that's our home.
T-that's my home.
That's why we're talking about it.
Where would we have Thanksgiving?
We... well, wherever we end up.
That's horrible. No!
Don't! Please!
All right, that's it. We're not selling.
I mean, what amount of
money could it possibly be
for you even to consider...
Oh, my God! Sell it.
Are you kidding me? Sell it right now.
- [GASPS]
- Okay, okay. Hold on a second.
Let's just take a moment
and really consider
what this would mean to us as a family.
It means we'd be a rich family.
Yes, but we can't make this decision
just based on the money.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
We'll buy a couple stupid
things, like a helicopter,
maybe a pony, and we'll
give the rest to Oceana.
They protect sea life and
prevent ocean pollution,
and if we do that,
then I can fly in my helicopter
with my pony without guilt.
See? I like that idea.
Okay, let me ask you this.
Would you be on the pony
when it's in the helicopter?
'Cause it just doesn't sound safe?
- What are your writing?
- Daddy knows.
Actually, Daddy doesn't
know, but I will find out
at some horrible future date.
What exactly is the issue here?
You're upset that I
didn't want our daughter
taking livestock up in an aircraft?
It wasn't that.
But now it's also that.
All righty, let me start you
off with some delicious cheeses
from Lucia's family farm... enjoy.
- Ooh.
- Beautiful.
Did you guys decide on entrées?
Uh, yeah.
Not yet. W-we'll see.
What'd you say?
I said, "We'll see".
Why did you say that?
Did... did somebody tell you
to... Did you talk to Hercules?
No, but I just got a
nice note from Neptune.
What are you... what
are you talking about?
Never mind. Forget I said anything.
So what are we gonna do?
Are we selling or not?
Well, I don't know,
but whatever it is,
we have to decide fast
'cause they want to buy the whole floor,
and everybody's already sold except us.
Whoa, whoa, you didn't mention that.
That changes everything.
You're in a very strong
negotiating position.
I'm hooking up with a real-estate guy.
- Mike?
- Mm-mm, Jeff.
Skinny Jeff or Jeff with the beard?
No, it's a different Jeff.
You have to counter.
Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I really like that idea.
- Why?
- Because in a way,
it puts all of this
in the hands of fate.
If we counter and they say no...
Which is a very distinct possibility.
Then it wasn't meant to be,
but if we give them some crazy
number and they say yes,
then it was clearly meant to be.
What's a good counter?
Well, Jeff would say go
back at 15% above offer.
You could try for 20%
if you're feeling lucky.
Mama's feeling lucky.
Yeah, but I'd put a hard cap at 25%.
Best and final, and put a clock on it.
Ugh, he talks a lot during...
Okay, I'm saying 25% above.
Go big or go home.
They have to respond by noon tomorrow,
best and final.
That's it. I'm hitting send.
No, no, wait. Hold on, hold on.
Just... just give me a moment
to mourn the possibility
of losing all this money.
It's gonna take a while.
You know what? Just hit send.
So maybe bye-bye, house.
But hello, pony.
Yeah!
I can't believe we countered. [SCOFFS]
I'm so greedy. I'm just a greedy person.
How is that bad? I was knocking myself.
Not everything is about you.
I have to go to the market tomorrow.
Oh, all right. Sorry. [CHUCKLES]
The fact you think
everything is about you...
Just stop it. Come on,
stop torturing me.
You mean the way you tortured me?
I didn't torture you this way.
My torture wasn't premeditated.
Come on, this is, you know,
this is like torture to be carried out
at some future date.
- Interesting.
- What do you mean interesting?
Don't worry about it.
Okay, you know what? Stop, stop.
Enough, enough. I-I want my wife back.
I want my wife who says what
she thinks in the moment.
Tell me what I have to do.
I just... what do I have
to do to be done with this?
Give me 50 bucks.
Seriously?
- I only have 35.
- Unbelievable.
You owe me 15.
Okay. So... but that's it now?
Right? Fight's over?
'Cause I gotta say,
if I had known it was
gonna be this easy...
Oh, it's not that easy. I'm gonna
need foot rubs and coffee in bed
and a lot of things I'm
gonna think up later.
You got it. Whatever you want.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry.
All those things I said, all that stuff,
- I take it back.
- Don't take it back.
No, yes, I'm taking it all back.
No, don't, because many of
the very unflattering things
you said about me are true.
It wasn't easy to hear,
but you were right.
And I'm gonna do my very
best to try to change.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
- Oh, that's horrible.
- What?
You are just... you're
gonna take the high road now?
After you bully me like
a third-grade bully?
"Hey, I'm gonna beat you
up someday after school,
but you'll never know when",
and then you never do.
And now you want to be
all gracious and mature?
How very dare you?
What can I say? I guess
I'm just a better person,
and I just won this argument forever.
Okay, just so you know, a better person
wouldn't rub their betterness
in the face of their loved one.
Do you want the fight to be over,
or do you want to keep talking?
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Come here.
- What's the matter?
- Not till I get my 15 bucks.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I-I always pictured
city health inspectors
being somebody who's, like,
a nerdy guy named Howard or something.
[CHUCKLES] You definitely
do not fit that bill.
Okay.
Okay, look, these surfaces re-caulked,
re-stained, like, two months ago.
All natural, nontoxic.
Organic, good, green, soft,
really nice, un-spongy, planet friendly.
Scusi, can I speak
with you one moment, please,
in private?
Yeah, excuse us.
Okay, so, when I say
I don't like someone,
maybe I'm knowing
what I'm talking about.
What?
- Okay?
- Cheese.
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
- Did you buy this cheese?
- No.
- I did not buy this cheese.
- Okay.
Why do you think we have this cheese?
You know where I find this cheese?
On the desk in the office.
I walk in. I look at desk.
I see paper, paper, pencil,
pencil, paper, paper, cheese.
I think, "Why is cheese on desk?"
And on top of cheese, this.
"Maybe this will change
your mind... Hercules".
- Okay?
- That's very nice.
"Nice"?
No, no.
He tried to make of you a little man.
I'm not a little man.
I know you're not a little man, but...
- Mr. Buchman?
- Yes.
All done here.
Here's your health rating.
Please display it prominently.
A "B"? No, no, no, no,
no a "B" is like an "F".
What are you... How could we get a "B"?
Nothing serious. You got a lightbulb
out in your freezer, little things.
But I'll be back in a month and
see if we can't bump you back up.
Oh, and Hercules Schein says hello.
Whoa. What? What does that mean?
It means I was in his shop,
and he said to say hello.
So message delivered.
Hercules.
You must go talk to him man-to-man.
I think that time has come.
Show him you are not a little man.
- Okay.
- He's the little man.
- Okay.
- You are not a little man.
Seriously, you got to
stop saying that now.
♪♪
Your coffee.
And don't forget...
I owe you a foot rub.
Oh, I won't forget.
Last night was very enjoyable.
Best 15 bucks I ever spent.
Totally worth the trip down to the ATM.
- Are you thinking about noon?
- I'm thinking about noon.
I'm trying not to think about it.
This may sound crazy,
but what if this apartment
is somehow the thing
that's kept us together all these years?
What if the apartment is the glue?
I don't think so.
And on the other hand, I would say
that maybe the glue's not
holding so well lately.
Maybe that means it's
time for a change...
you know, hit the reset
button in a new place.
Yeah, but moving?
I don't think we can handle
that kind of stress right now.
[SIGHS] You don't want to sell?
- I don't.
- I don't either.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We'll just tell them that we're out.
- Can we do that?
- Yeah.
Are we stupid? Can they sue us?
I don't know. Maybe.
But you should call them.
- Me?
- Yeah.
I got to break it to our daughter
she ain't getting a pony.
Ah...
Fine.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Ooh.
Hello. Hi. Yeah, speaking.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Uh-huh.
I see. Okay.
Okay, well, thank you
for letting us know.
- Okay, bye.
- What?
Uh, they don't need till noon,
'cause they just accepted our counter.
We got to be out in two weeks.
- Yay?
- Hmm.
♪♪
All right, let me know how you
like that mozzarella.
I think you're gonna be very happy.
Hey, Mr. Buchman! Como va?
Let me guess... you changed your mind.
Ah, no, no, didn't change my mind.
You taste that gouda I sent over?
- Uh, no, Mr. Schlein, I...
- Hercules. Please.
Oh, okay.
Okay, Hercules, listen, I
don't mean any disrespect,
and I'm sure your
cheese is perfectly fine,
but this whole shakedown thing...
Whoa. Shakedown?
Yeah, the cheese showing up on my desk.
He left it on the desk?
Oh, Madone, that delivery kid.
I specifically said to him,
"Make sure you hand it to
the proprietor personally".
Okay, well, what about the little game
with the health inspector?
Oh, how tough is she, huh?
I had one package of mortadella
wrapped not exactly perfect.
She gives me a "B". You believe that?
- So it wasn't a message?
- What wasn't a message?
"Hercules says hello"?
Yeah, the message was
"hello" from me, Hercules.
Oh, so it wasn't a shakedown?
Oh, my friend, I think you've seen
a couple one too many movies.
Look, I make a terrific cheese.
I thought you might enjoy it.
If it's not for you, it's not for you.
- It's not a big deal.
- [LAUGHS]
Okay, I feel like a total jackass.
Ah, don't be silly, but, look,
as long as you're here,
I want you to taste this Taleggio.
I just cut this open this morning.
Now, you see if this flavor
doesn't make your taste buds
jump for joy.
Ah?
- Oh, my God.
- Ha ha.
- [STAMMERS]
- Huh?
- Ah?
- That's unbelievable.
We are definitely gonna
get us some of this.
All right, that's all I'm saying.
So, what, you like them
strong, a little stinky?
A little stinky? Give me big stinky.
All right, wait till
you get a load of this,
and I don't share this with just anyone.
Hercules, I am so embarrassed
about what I just said.
Come on, don't give it another thought.
Talking about a shakedown.
I'm such an idiot.
It's ridiculous.
Yeah, Vinny.
Yeah, you can call off that thing
about our friend down the block.
Yeah, we're good now.
I'm just busting your balls.
You know what? I really do
think this was meant to be.
Yeah. But in a good way, right?
Absolutely. The fact that
this happened right now...
that's definitely a sign.
Yeah, but... but a good sign, right?
- Definitely.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've been here a long time, and...
you know, and it's been
a big part of our lives.
All of my life, actually.
All of your life, yes, and,
uh... and it's been great.
You know, I wouldn't change anything.
Except the time you walked
in on me and Billy Farrely
making out when I was in ninth grade.
- Okay.
- Or when I walked in
- on you and Mom, and you were...
- We-we were wrestling.
- That's still your story?
- Yes, and I'm sticking to it.
I think Daddy was
trying to make a point.
Daddy was trying to make a point.
I was simply saying that that's
all one chapter of our life,
and now we start another chapter.
- But a good chapter, right?
- That's the plan, yes.
Okay, if this is such a good
plan, how come I feel sick?
Hey, you don't think
you're gonna feel sick
up in your helicopter on a pony?
Hey, come here. Listen.
Just 'cause it feels scary
doesn't mean it's wrong.
Right? And just keep in
mind... whatever happens,
wherever we end up, the
only thing that matters
- is right here.
- Always.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
Ooh, ooh.
Okay, they're on their way up.
- Boy, suddenly I'm nervous.
- What are you nervous about?
What, are you kidding?
I'm about to meet Beyoncé.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Beyoncé touched our doorbell.
It's not Beyoncé.
Okay, you are not gonna
believe this cheese.
I mean, when I say "funky",
it doesn't even begin
to paint the picture.
But funky in, like,
the best possible sense.
Wow. You guys are really
going through with this, huh?
- Looks like we are.
- Hey, tell you what...
let's celebrate with
some cheese and crackers.
- I'll put together a plate.
- Okay.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- It's Spike Lee.
- How do you know?
- Sometimes you just know.
Okay, all right.
Well, this is it.
- Mr. Buchman, hi. Hello.
- Yes. Hi.
- Hello.
- Okay, my client
will be here in just a second.
I want to come in first and warn you,
- he's very...
- Ha. It's a he.
- Fine, yes, it's a he.
- It is. It's a he.
He's a bit... I don't know
if "eccentric" is really the right word.
He's gonna come in and get a feeling.
He's either gonna like it, or he won't.
Of course he's gonna like it.
I'm sure he will. He's liked
every other unit on the floor.
And he's eager to move
ahead with this, so...
- Is it Spike Lee?
- Is it Spike Lee?
- It's not Spike Lee.
- Okay, but that was such a good guess.
He's a very nice guy,
very down to earth.
- Oh, good, good.
- The only thing that I ask
is that you don't speak to him directly
or look him directly in the eye.
- Are you serious?
- Are you making that up?
- Hello.
- David.
- It's the guy from the thing.
- These are the Buchmans.
- [GROANING]
- Feel free to look around.
I will.
Are these floors slanty?
That's so funny you would say...
Is he talking to me?
Mr. Buchman, you can
direct your questions to me.
Yeah, sorry.
Uh, tell him that the
floor feels slanty,
but we had it inspected...
it's actually not slanted.
It's like a mysterious phenomenon.
Part of the charm of the place.
- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Your show scares the shit out of me.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Sweetie, you're not...
- She can talk to me.
- Got it.
- Uh, tell him I got it.
- Uh, tell him I heard.
So what do you think?
I mean, I...
What's that smell?
Wait until you taste this.
- Oh, God!
- Jesus!
- Oh!
- Oh!
[COUGHS] I think I'm gonna
throw up... I'm not kidding!
- Get that out of here!
- Oh, God!
Oh, God, I could never live here.
Oh!
Ah! It's in my hair!
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oops.
You owe me a pony.
Yes, let's talk about that.
I can tell it's been bothering you.
I don't know what it is.
I'm a pussycat, but for some reason,
people find me threatening.
I mean, you don't think
I'm threatening, do you?
What I think isn't the issue here.
But, yes, sometimes you employ a tone
which I would describe as unsettling.
I see.
That's unfortunate.
Meaning what?
Nothing. That's your opinion.
Maybe you get convinced otherwise.
Right.
Oh, look, we're out of time.
Okay.
Next week, then?
We'll see.
Okay, now I hear it.
there's a lot to discuss.
Who would like to go first?
Um...
[SIGHS]
Ah...
[SCOFFS]
Well, we're off to a dynamite start.
[EASYGOING MUSIC]
♪♪
♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ I love you like I do ♪
♪ Tell me who ♪
♪ Can stop my heart as much as you ♪
♪ If we take each other's hands ♪
♪ We can fly into the final frontier ♪
- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪
- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Final frontier ♪
Look, I think we both have
the same goal here, right?
Sure.
I mean, we both really
want things to be better.
I just think we have a
different approach of...
as to how to get there.
Do you agree?
Sure.
Go on.
In a nutshell...
and tell me if I'm
misrepresenting you here...
but I think Jamie likes to
discuss everything she feels
when she feels it,
whereas I think, you
know, if an issue comes up,
sometimes it's better just to sit on it.
You know, a few days
of sitting on something,
and sometimes you don't even
remember what you were sitting on.
Or sometimes the problem
festers and explodes
until you end up dumping it
all over your unsuspecting wife.
And look who decided to play.
Like what happened Wednesday.
Not my proudest moment,
which is why we're here.
Well, it's not why we're here.
We're here 'cause I said...
No, but I agreed. I agreed.
Yeah, agreeing's not the
same thing as doing...
This is doing it your way.
[WHISTLES]
First off, let me say how nice
it is to see you both again.
The way you two banter, it's like jazz.
- Okay.
- That's nice.
I don't like jazz.
I think I have a pretty
good read on things,
so I'm gonna say something
that will save us all a
whole lot of time and money.
- Please.
- Okay.
You're done.
Done? We got, like, 30 minutes left.
No, no, no. Done as in big-picture done,
finito, Splitsville.
- Really?
- What?
Trust me, I've seen
it a million times...
the gray divorce.
- The documentary?
- That's "Grey Gardens".
The gray divorce?
Yes, very common for people
at your stage of life.
The nest is empty, you look
at each other and realize,
without a child in the home,
there's nothing left
holding you together.
Just memories, unfulfilled dreams,
and the tattered remains of
a love once sparkly and new.
Raisinet?
No, no.
Ah, that... that doesn't
sound right, I have to say.
No, no, no, no. It's
nothing to be ashamed of.
How long has it been for you two kids?
- 25 years?
- Yeah.
That's a good, long run.
You could walk away heads held high.
Yeah, on the other hand,
we're so close to death,
why not just stick it out?
All right, listen.
If you want to keep
talking, it's your dime.
I'm absolutely willing to give it a go.
But if we leave now, I could
still squeeze in half a Zumba.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪♪
Oh, afternoon. Table for one?
Oh, no, no, no. Mr. Buchman?
Yeah.
I just wanted to come
by and introduce myself.
I own the cheese shop two blocks down.
Oh, of course.
Cheese and Thank You.
I've smelled your place many
times when the wind is right.
Hercules Schlein.
Okay, maybe my favorite name ever.
Well, that makes one of us.
See, my parents thought the "Hercules"
would compensate for the "Schlein".
Turns out, 0 for 2.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, can I offer
you a little vino, Mr. Schlein?
Hey, sure. Why not? I'm not driving.
Well, you know, I seen
your place here go through
a lot of changes over the years.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
It was a Greek restaurant, then
Thai, then another Greek place,
then a RadioShack,
then a different Greek
place run by Thai people.
It wasn't great.
Are you the sole proprietor here?
Ah, along with my beautiful Lucia, yeah.
Very nice.
Let me ask you.
Where do you get your cheese?
I mean, who's your cheese supplier?
Meat, fish, produce... I'm unconcerned.
Uh, well, you know,
we're actually very lucky
'cause Lucia's family
has a farm in Italy,
so we get it straight from the source.
Oh, yeah.
I respect the commitment
to authenticity,
but I was wondering if
maybe you would consider
giving my cheese a try.
You know, keep things
in the neighborhood,
- if you know what I'm saying.
- Yeah, well, I get it.
You know, we support each other.
Of course, but in this
case, specifically,
I-I couldn't do that to Lucia's family.
You know, you understand.
Yeah, okay.
That's unfortunate.
- Huh?
- No, well, who knows?
Maybe your mind gets changed.
We'll see.
Nice meeting you.
Ciao.
Yeah, thanks for stopping by.
- I don't like him.
- Oh, don't worry.
We're not using his cheese.
"We'll see"?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Where I'm from, "we'll see" is...
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
- What, a threat?
- Si, this is a threat.
[CHUCKLES] Carissima,
"we'll see" is not a threat.
Okay.
We'll see.
Yeah, I-I hear it now.
- You good?
- Uh-huh.
Okay.
You don't want to talk about
this morning, what Sheila said?
No, thanks.
All right.
It's just...
it's kind of crazy that
she would even say that, no?
People are entitled to
have their own opinions.
Yes, but, I mean, come on.
That was... that was
kind of a wild opinion,
don't you think?
[CHUCKLES] Her...
You're not gonna join my little chuckle?
- What... what... what are you doing?
- I'm trying your way.
I'm sitting on it, but I
want to be sure to remember
all the things I'm sitting
on, so I'm writing them down.
That way, I can hit you
with them at a later date.
- When?
- Exactly.
What does that mean?
I don't know. Guess
we'll find out together.
Well, it's interesting,
because I'm actually trying your way.
I'm bringing up Sheila now
while it's bothering me.
And by the way, little
piece of advice...
if you're gonna sit on something,
you don't tell the other person
that you're sitting on it,
'cause they're not supposed to know.
Oh, my way of your way has
an extra-special feature...
I want you to know.
Well, I-I got to say,
I think I'm doing your way quite well.
It's made me very aware
of what bothers me.
I-I got to tell you this.
How about the time when
you met my Aunt Beverly
and you just swatted her in the face?
My God, first of all,
that was 20 years ago.
- Yes, but it's bothering me now.
- Second of all,
how was I supposed to
know that was a birthmark?
It looked like a caper.
Who... who has capers on their face?
I thought she had just
come home from brunch.
Be that as it may, how about this?
Maybe don't touch other people's faces.
What do you say about that?
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Sure, yeah. Put it down.
By the way, I could
get myself a pad, too.
Two can play at... maybe
that's a pad salesman right now.
- Hello. Mr. Buchman?
- Yes?
Hi. Sorry to intrude.
My name is Bethany Clark.
I'm representing a client whose name
I'm unfortunately not able
to disclose at this time.
I'll only say he or she
is a well-known individual
of significant wealth
interested in purchasing your apartment.
- What?
- [CHUCKLES]
I'm sorry. I know
that's a lot to take in.
My client loves this
particular building.
What gave you the impression
our apartment's for sale?
W-what do you mean?
Who's this mystery client?
I assure you, it is a name
you will readily recognize.
It is Jay-Z and Beyoncé?
That would be so cool if it was Beyoncé.
- It's not Beyoncé.
- Ugh, pass.
Rest assured, you'll
have the opportunity
to meet the buyer
before the sale closes.
Well, that's good. What sale?
- What?
- May I come in?
No, we're not interested
in selling the place.
The offer we prepared is
well above market value.
No, it's not about the money.
This is our home, and we...
Oh.
That's how much money we would get?
- Come on in.
- Come on in.
You know what? Make yourself at home.
You shouldn't be standing
out there in your high heels.
♪♪
[CHUCKLES] It's such a big number.
I don't know what I love
more, the zeros or the commas.
What did I say?
- What...
- Hi.
You guys remember Ashta.
- Hey, you guys. Hi, Ashta.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh, what a nice surprise.
- Thank you for having me.
Sure. Yeah.
Uh, the only thing is, sweetie,
we kind of wanted to talk
to you about a private family matter.
Oh, Ashta's family.
I wasn't made aware, but good to know.
Okay.
Well, we wanted to talk to you
about something kind of important.
It seems someone has
offered to buy the apartment.
Our apartment?
- Who?
- We don't know.
All we know is it's
somebody big and fancy.
- Is it Beyoncé?
- That's what I think.
- It's not Beyoncé.
- You don't know that.
- The woman said.
- She tensed up.
She's protecting someone,
and that someone...
[WHISPERING] Beyoncé.
Okay, it doesn't matter.
How... how could we...
I don't know. That's... that's our home.
T-that's my home.
That's why we're talking about it.
Where would we have Thanksgiving?
We... well, wherever we end up.
That's horrible. No!
Don't! Please!
All right, that's it. We're not selling.
I mean, what amount of
money could it possibly be
for you even to consider...
Oh, my God! Sell it.
Are you kidding me? Sell it right now.
- [GASPS]
- Okay, okay. Hold on a second.
Let's just take a moment
and really consider
what this would mean to us as a family.
It means we'd be a rich family.
Yes, but we can't make this decision
just based on the money.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
We'll buy a couple stupid
things, like a helicopter,
maybe a pony, and we'll
give the rest to Oceana.
They protect sea life and
prevent ocean pollution,
and if we do that,
then I can fly in my helicopter
with my pony without guilt.
See? I like that idea.
Okay, let me ask you this.
Would you be on the pony
when it's in the helicopter?
'Cause it just doesn't sound safe?
- What are your writing?
- Daddy knows.
Actually, Daddy doesn't
know, but I will find out
at some horrible future date.
What exactly is the issue here?
You're upset that I
didn't want our daughter
taking livestock up in an aircraft?
It wasn't that.
But now it's also that.
All righty, let me start you
off with some delicious cheeses
from Lucia's family farm... enjoy.
- Ooh.
- Beautiful.
Did you guys decide on entrées?
Uh, yeah.
Not yet. W-we'll see.
What'd you say?
I said, "We'll see".
Why did you say that?
Did... did somebody tell you
to... Did you talk to Hercules?
No, but I just got a
nice note from Neptune.
What are you... what
are you talking about?
Never mind. Forget I said anything.
So what are we gonna do?
Are we selling or not?
Well, I don't know,
but whatever it is,
we have to decide fast
'cause they want to buy the whole floor,
and everybody's already sold except us.
Whoa, whoa, you didn't mention that.
That changes everything.
You're in a very strong
negotiating position.
I'm hooking up with a real-estate guy.
- Mike?
- Mm-mm, Jeff.
Skinny Jeff or Jeff with the beard?
No, it's a different Jeff.
You have to counter.
Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I really like that idea.
- Why?
- Because in a way,
it puts all of this
in the hands of fate.
If we counter and they say no...
Which is a very distinct possibility.
Then it wasn't meant to be,
but if we give them some crazy
number and they say yes,
then it was clearly meant to be.
What's a good counter?
Well, Jeff would say go
back at 15% above offer.
You could try for 20%
if you're feeling lucky.
Mama's feeling lucky.
Yeah, but I'd put a hard cap at 25%.
Best and final, and put a clock on it.
Ugh, he talks a lot during...
Okay, I'm saying 25% above.
Go big or go home.
They have to respond by noon tomorrow,
best and final.
That's it. I'm hitting send.
No, no, wait. Hold on, hold on.
Just... just give me a moment
to mourn the possibility
of losing all this money.
It's gonna take a while.
You know what? Just hit send.
So maybe bye-bye, house.
But hello, pony.
Yeah!
I can't believe we countered. [SCOFFS]
I'm so greedy. I'm just a greedy person.
How is that bad? I was knocking myself.
Not everything is about you.
I have to go to the market tomorrow.
Oh, all right. Sorry. [CHUCKLES]
The fact you think
everything is about you...
Just stop it. Come on,
stop torturing me.
You mean the way you tortured me?
I didn't torture you this way.
My torture wasn't premeditated.
Come on, this is, you know,
this is like torture to be carried out
at some future date.
- Interesting.
- What do you mean interesting?
Don't worry about it.
Okay, you know what? Stop, stop.
Enough, enough. I-I want my wife back.
I want my wife who says what
she thinks in the moment.
Tell me what I have to do.
I just... what do I have
to do to be done with this?
Give me 50 bucks.
Seriously?
- I only have 35.
- Unbelievable.
You owe me 15.
Okay. So... but that's it now?
Right? Fight's over?
'Cause I gotta say,
if I had known it was
gonna be this easy...
Oh, it's not that easy. I'm gonna
need foot rubs and coffee in bed
and a lot of things I'm
gonna think up later.
You got it. Whatever you want.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry.
All those things I said, all that stuff,
- I take it back.
- Don't take it back.
No, yes, I'm taking it all back.
No, don't, because many of
the very unflattering things
you said about me are true.
It wasn't easy to hear,
but you were right.
And I'm gonna do my very
best to try to change.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
- Oh, that's horrible.
- What?
You are just... you're
gonna take the high road now?
After you bully me like
a third-grade bully?
"Hey, I'm gonna beat you
up someday after school,
but you'll never know when",
and then you never do.
And now you want to be
all gracious and mature?
How very dare you?
What can I say? I guess
I'm just a better person,
and I just won this argument forever.
Okay, just so you know, a better person
wouldn't rub their betterness
in the face of their loved one.
Do you want the fight to be over,
or do you want to keep talking?
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Come here.
- What's the matter?
- Not till I get my 15 bucks.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I-I always pictured
city health inspectors
being somebody who's, like,
a nerdy guy named Howard or something.
[CHUCKLES] You definitely
do not fit that bill.
Okay.
Okay, look, these surfaces re-caulked,
re-stained, like, two months ago.
All natural, nontoxic.
Organic, good, green, soft,
really nice, un-spongy, planet friendly.
Scusi, can I speak
with you one moment, please,
in private?
Yeah, excuse us.
Okay, so, when I say
I don't like someone,
maybe I'm knowing
what I'm talking about.
What?
- Okay?
- Cheese.
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
- Did you buy this cheese?
- No.
- I did not buy this cheese.
- Okay.
Why do you think we have this cheese?
You know where I find this cheese?
On the desk in the office.
I walk in. I look at desk.
I see paper, paper, pencil,
pencil, paper, paper, cheese.
I think, "Why is cheese on desk?"
And on top of cheese, this.
"Maybe this will change
your mind... Hercules".
- Okay?
- That's very nice.
"Nice"?
No, no.
He tried to make of you a little man.
I'm not a little man.
I know you're not a little man, but...
- Mr. Buchman?
- Yes.
All done here.
Here's your health rating.
Please display it prominently.
A "B"? No, no, no, no,
no a "B" is like an "F".
What are you... How could we get a "B"?
Nothing serious. You got a lightbulb
out in your freezer, little things.
But I'll be back in a month and
see if we can't bump you back up.
Oh, and Hercules Schein says hello.
Whoa. What? What does that mean?
It means I was in his shop,
and he said to say hello.
So message delivered.
Hercules.
You must go talk to him man-to-man.
I think that time has come.
Show him you are not a little man.
- Okay.
- He's the little man.
- Okay.
- You are not a little man.
Seriously, you got to
stop saying that now.
♪♪
Your coffee.
And don't forget...
I owe you a foot rub.
Oh, I won't forget.
Last night was very enjoyable.
Best 15 bucks I ever spent.
Totally worth the trip down to the ATM.
- Are you thinking about noon?
- I'm thinking about noon.
I'm trying not to think about it.
This may sound crazy,
but what if this apartment
is somehow the thing
that's kept us together all these years?
What if the apartment is the glue?
I don't think so.
And on the other hand, I would say
that maybe the glue's not
holding so well lately.
Maybe that means it's
time for a change...
you know, hit the reset
button in a new place.
Yeah, but moving?
I don't think we can handle
that kind of stress right now.
[SIGHS] You don't want to sell?
- I don't.
- I don't either.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We'll just tell them that we're out.
- Can we do that?
- Yeah.
Are we stupid? Can they sue us?
I don't know. Maybe.
But you should call them.
- Me?
- Yeah.
I got to break it to our daughter
she ain't getting a pony.
Ah...
Fine.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Ooh.
Hello. Hi. Yeah, speaking.
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Uh-huh.
I see. Okay.
Okay, well, thank you
for letting us know.
- Okay, bye.
- What?
Uh, they don't need till noon,
'cause they just accepted our counter.
We got to be out in two weeks.
- Yay?
- Hmm.
♪♪
All right, let me know how you
like that mozzarella.
I think you're gonna be very happy.
Hey, Mr. Buchman! Como va?
Let me guess... you changed your mind.
Ah, no, no, didn't change my mind.
You taste that gouda I sent over?
- Uh, no, Mr. Schlein, I...
- Hercules. Please.
Oh, okay.
Okay, Hercules, listen, I
don't mean any disrespect,
and I'm sure your
cheese is perfectly fine,
but this whole shakedown thing...
Whoa. Shakedown?
Yeah, the cheese showing up on my desk.
He left it on the desk?
Oh, Madone, that delivery kid.
I specifically said to him,
"Make sure you hand it to
the proprietor personally".
Okay, well, what about the little game
with the health inspector?
Oh, how tough is she, huh?
I had one package of mortadella
wrapped not exactly perfect.
She gives me a "B". You believe that?
- So it wasn't a message?
- What wasn't a message?
"Hercules says hello"?
Yeah, the message was
"hello" from me, Hercules.
Oh, so it wasn't a shakedown?
Oh, my friend, I think you've seen
a couple one too many movies.
Look, I make a terrific cheese.
I thought you might enjoy it.
If it's not for you, it's not for you.
- It's not a big deal.
- [LAUGHS]
Okay, I feel like a total jackass.
Ah, don't be silly, but, look,
as long as you're here,
I want you to taste this Taleggio.
I just cut this open this morning.
Now, you see if this flavor
doesn't make your taste buds
jump for joy.
Ah?
- Oh, my God.
- Ha ha.
- [STAMMERS]
- Huh?
- Ah?
- That's unbelievable.
We are definitely gonna
get us some of this.
All right, that's all I'm saying.
So, what, you like them
strong, a little stinky?
A little stinky? Give me big stinky.
All right, wait till
you get a load of this,
and I don't share this with just anyone.
Hercules, I am so embarrassed
about what I just said.
Come on, don't give it another thought.
Talking about a shakedown.
I'm such an idiot.
It's ridiculous.
Yeah, Vinny.
Yeah, you can call off that thing
about our friend down the block.
Yeah, we're good now.
I'm just busting your balls.
You know what? I really do
think this was meant to be.
Yeah. But in a good way, right?
Absolutely. The fact that
this happened right now...
that's definitely a sign.
Yeah, but... but a good sign, right?
- Definitely.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've been here a long time, and...
you know, and it's been
a big part of our lives.
All of my life, actually.
All of your life, yes, and,
uh... and it's been great.
You know, I wouldn't change anything.
Except the time you walked
in on me and Billy Farrely
making out when I was in ninth grade.
- Okay.
- Or when I walked in
- on you and Mom, and you were...
- We-we were wrestling.
- That's still your story?
- Yes, and I'm sticking to it.
I think Daddy was
trying to make a point.
Daddy was trying to make a point.
I was simply saying that that's
all one chapter of our life,
and now we start another chapter.
- But a good chapter, right?
- That's the plan, yes.
Okay, if this is such a good
plan, how come I feel sick?
Hey, you don't think
you're gonna feel sick
up in your helicopter on a pony?
Hey, come here. Listen.
Just 'cause it feels scary
doesn't mean it's wrong.
Right? And just keep in
mind... whatever happens,
wherever we end up, the
only thing that matters
- is right here.
- Always.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
Ooh, ooh.
Okay, they're on their way up.
- Boy, suddenly I'm nervous.
- What are you nervous about?
What, are you kidding?
I'm about to meet Beyoncé.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Beyoncé touched our doorbell.
It's not Beyoncé.
Okay, you are not gonna
believe this cheese.
I mean, when I say "funky",
it doesn't even begin
to paint the picture.
But funky in, like,
the best possible sense.
Wow. You guys are really
going through with this, huh?
- Looks like we are.
- Hey, tell you what...
let's celebrate with
some cheese and crackers.
- I'll put together a plate.
- Okay.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- It's Spike Lee.
- How do you know?
- Sometimes you just know.
Okay, all right.
Well, this is it.
- Mr. Buchman, hi. Hello.
- Yes. Hi.
- Hello.
- Okay, my client
will be here in just a second.
I want to come in first and warn you,
- he's very...
- Ha. It's a he.
- Fine, yes, it's a he.
- It is. It's a he.
He's a bit... I don't know
if "eccentric" is really the right word.
He's gonna come in and get a feeling.
He's either gonna like it, or he won't.
Of course he's gonna like it.
I'm sure he will. He's liked
every other unit on the floor.
And he's eager to move
ahead with this, so...
- Is it Spike Lee?
- Is it Spike Lee?
- It's not Spike Lee.
- Okay, but that was such a good guess.
He's a very nice guy,
very down to earth.
- Oh, good, good.
- The only thing that I ask
is that you don't speak to him directly
or look him directly in the eye.
- Are you serious?
- Are you making that up?
- Hello.
- David.
- It's the guy from the thing.
- These are the Buchmans.
- [GROANING]
- Feel free to look around.
I will.
Are these floors slanty?
That's so funny you would say...
Is he talking to me?
Mr. Buchman, you can
direct your questions to me.
Yeah, sorry.
Uh, tell him that the
floor feels slanty,
but we had it inspected...
it's actually not slanted.
It's like a mysterious phenomenon.
Part of the charm of the place.
- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Your show scares the shit out of me.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Sweetie, you're not...
- She can talk to me.
- Got it.
- Uh, tell him I got it.
- Uh, tell him I heard.
So what do you think?
I mean, I...
What's that smell?
Wait until you taste this.
- Oh, God!
- Jesus!
- Oh!
- Oh!
[COUGHS] I think I'm gonna
throw up... I'm not kidding!
- Get that out of here!
- Oh, God!
Oh, God, I could never live here.
Oh!
Ah! It's in my hair!
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oops.
You owe me a pony.
Yes, let's talk about that.
I can tell it's been bothering you.
I don't know what it is.
I'm a pussycat, but for some reason,
people find me threatening.
I mean, you don't think
I'm threatening, do you?
What I think isn't the issue here.
But, yes, sometimes you employ a tone
which I would describe as unsettling.
I see.
That's unfortunate.
Meaning what?
Nothing. That's your opinion.
Maybe you get convinced otherwise.
Right.
Oh, look, we're out of time.
Okay.
Next week, then?
We'll see.
Okay, now I hear it.