M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Billfold Syndrome - full transcript
Major Winchester decides to quit talking to everyone at the camp, which Hawkeye and B.J. take as a challenge. Meanwhile, a medic gets amnesia.
[theme music playing]
♪ [Big Band Over P.A.]
♪ ["Gonna Come Get You In a Taxi, Honey," sung in Japanese] ♪
♪ [Ends]
Hey, Major,
I just vacuumed there!
Give me that!
Major, please.
It's up to usto keep Korea beautiful.
Beautiful.
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.
Ambulance and jeeps approaching compound.
Everyone is instructed to do their stuff. That is all.
Pierce, Houlihan,
you take the bus.
-B.J. and I'll take the jeeps.-What about me?
You pass out the coffee
and doughnuts.
-Only bus I've ever seenthat's always on schedule.-Not an empty seat.
-All right, more light in here!-Okay, hubba hubba.
-We got all we can handle here.-Jerry, you again?
-Yeah.-You were here 12 hours ago.
-You sure get around.
-Yeah, I sure do.
I handle all
the vacation spots.
These here are guests
of Hill 403.
-Don't you ever sleep?
-Sleep? What's that?
You close your eyes,put your head on your chest,
and have nightmaresabout the war.
When you're a medic, you don'thave to close your eyes.
Let's get this guy outside.
You know, when I first
got to Korea,
I could carry one
of these all by myself.
Could we get some light
out here please?
Where do you want
the piano, lady?
Anywhere. Just don't
mark up the floor.
-Superficial. He can wait.-CHARLES: Hunnicutt,
I have a chest
and a femoral here.
Hawk, can you do me
a little favor?
Jerry, after allthose training films,
how could youlet that happen?
-Oh, no.
-Wait a second. Beej?
-Yeah?-How many chest wounds you got?
Two so far.
-How bad is he?
-Take a look.
What's the favor?
I'd like to watch
you guys work in O.R.
I never get beyond
the waiting room.
Request denied, Sergeant.
We're here to operate,not to demonstrate.
Charles, as chief surgeon
and your superior
in everything but rank,
-I hereby deny your denial.-I second that.
-All those in favor
of me say "aye."
-ALL: Aye!
Dictatorial anarchists.
Don't worry about him.
He's just mad
because you're
getting in for free.
-What is it?
-Number one.
HAWKEYE:
Clamp it there.
Next on our tour,
the human heart.
Most people think
it's a large red thing
that holds five pounds
of chocolates.
Not so. This little dynamo
pumps up to six liters
of blood a minute
and has the durability
of a tank.
The only thing
guaranteed to break it
is a cute blonde
in very tight shorts.
JERRY: This takeslonger than I thought.
You know, there's a lot of guyswaitin' to get in here.
Since when did wehire a shop foreman?
-Clamp.
-Clamp.
Don't worry, Nielson.
We'll have 'em all in and outbefore closing time.
Sorry, sir. I just geta little anxious.
We all do. We wear the masks tocover it.
Major, I specifically askedfor a Satinsky clamp.
On the contrary.
Your request was ambiguous.
You asked for a clamp.
And if you can't ask
nicely, don't ask at all.
Oh! How much longer
will I have to put up
with all of you?
A child your age is hard
to place in a foster home.
-[chuckles]-What are you doing there?
Suturing an artery.
It's sort of like
reupholstering
your '38 Chevy.
Boy, that's incredible.
You know, I alwayswanted to be a doctor.
What happened?
Well, when Igraduated high school,
I had to support my family.
Well, who knows?Maybe when you get back home.
Oh, this borderson the precious.
All right, time's up,
and our panel is stumped.
Charles, what is
bothering you?
Yeah, Major.Why the case of colic?
And be specific.
Well, I should blame thison Colonel Potter,
but I want to spread itaround to all of you.
What did I do this time?
This morning
I received a letter
from Massachusetts
General Hospital.
The one
in Massachusetts?
[giggling]
Notice how well I ignore.
Because I have beenassigned to this place
with no foreseeable escape,
my name has been withdrawn
from contention for chiefof thoracic surgery.
-Clamp!
-Clamp.
And after all he spent
on campaign hats.
Major, I know this isn'tgonna take, but I'm sorry.
Spare me your sympathy.
I called it.
Another opening like thismight not occur for years.
I don't know.
I understand
the North Koreans
are looking for
a good rubdown man.
You're a skilled
surgeon, Charles.
You can always work
door-to-door.
Rest assuredthat I will despise
each and every one of you
if I live to be a hundred.
Well, you know what they say,Charles: time wounds all heels.
[obnoxious laughter]
[laughter continues]
Oh, wow!
The Thompson twinsin the buff.
They don't lookvery much alike.
Of course not.They're brother and sister.
They are? Oh, yeah.
-B.J.: Feeling better, Charles?
-Well, if I was,
seeing you two has brought meright back to miserable.
Well, that's where you live.
I'm warning you, Pierce.
-What about me?
-You too, Hunnicutt.
I'm warning both of you.
I will no longer allow you
to take advantage
of my misfortunes.
In other words,
leave me alone,
or you'll both be wearingmy footprint on your butts!
-Think he means it?
-Gee, I hope not.
My steel underwear'sin the wash.
Mass General wanted me
because I am a brilliantand an inspired surgeon.
Dad didn't haveto donate that building.
[scoffs]Look, Winchester,
we know how much that jobmeant to you.
Silence, Pierce!
Just silence!
I've had enough!
This is the end of any furtherconversation between us.
What about me?
You too, Hunnicutt.
In fact, it goes forthis entire wretched camp.
I will no longer speakto anyone here ever again!
Period!
You're not serious?
Question mark.
Yeah, don't build upour hopes, Charles,
unless you really mean it.
These are my final words:Leave me alone.
-Ahh.-We can't pass that up.
You know what thismeans, don't you?
We're gonnahave to make you talk.
Th--
These are absolutely
my final words.
Never, never, never.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,oh, boy, oh, boy!
Attention, gourmands.
It's now recall time.
Think back,
a way back to Tuesday.
Remember those
luscious pork chops?
Well, here they are again.
Forty-eight hours oldand still clinging to the bone.
Good afternoon, Major.
Somewhere in those
three words,
I must have said
something terrible.
Say, isn't that
Charles Winchester,
the noted hermit?
-Sounds like him.-Hey, Major, what do you say?
I got a lot of hungry people
here to poison.
Is he ordering in Morse code?
The major's decided
he doesn't like us
anymore, Klinger.
He's broken off
undiplomatic relations.
He won't talk to us.
He won't read to us.
He won't even sing to us.Isn't that right, Charles?
Okay, okay.
You don't have to use
that tone with me.
You know, if I had half
that guy's neuroses,
I'd be outta here.
It takes years
of breeding, Klinger.
Uh, no. Shall we,uh, join old gabby?
Yeah. Let's, uh, joustwith the silent knight.
Uh, where we gonna eat?
Gee, I don't know.
Maybe we could, uh,
squeeze in here.
Oh, it's a little crowded.
I guess we'llhave to split up.
You don't mind,do you, Charles?
Thanks.
Pleasant chap.
Salt of the earth.Oh, would you pass it, please?
-Of course.
-Thank you.
-Uh, would you, uh...
-No, no, thank you.
-You sure?
-Oh, well, thanks.
Oh, would it bother anyone
if I were to comb out
my mustache before I ate?
Well,it's all right with me,
but you know how itbothers Charles.
Charles?
Thanks. I will.
Comb, comb, comb, comb, comb,comb, comb, comb, comb, comb.
Nothing. We should be tellinghim to shut up by now.
It's time to call out
the verbal cavalry.
Right.
Charles, your mother wearsvery expensive combat boots.
How was that?
No, no, no. More vicious.
I got one.
Charles, your father buys
his suits off the rack.
That was below the belt.
Charles, your parentsvoted for Roosevelt...
-four times.
-Beautiful.
Wait a minute.Wait a minute.
Where are you going?We're not finished yet.
At least he could have
said good-bye.
The nerve of that guynot giving in.
This is gonna be
harder than we thought.
Don't worry. You haven'theard the last from him.
I haven't heard anything.
DA-66-B's.
Form DA-362-1 A.
DA-362-1...
Oh, yeah.
Ah, the first snowfallof the season.
A million forms,and no two alike.
Be with you guys
in a second.
I'm sort of sorting.
Looks like military solitaire.
Radar, we gottasend a telegram.
From you two to who to?
A certain Major CharlesEmerson Winchester.
-Isn't he here?-Uh, we want it to look
like Massachusetts GeneralHospital is sending the wire.
Oh, I get it. A scam.
Just call it
a little white scam.
What do you guys wanna--
I mean, what's the hospitalgonna say to him?
Uh, Hospital administration
appalled by decision
of committee.
We would be honored to placeyour name among the candidates.
Your-Your patriotism
and bravery
more than make up
for your absence.
-Good touch.
-Oh, I don't know.
I don't like theunauthorizedness of this.
Radar, we've gottaget him to talk.
-It's a point of honor.
-What's the point?
He's easier to talk towhen he says nothing.
Radar, I just got October'sissue of Nudes Illustrated.
They cover the opening ofthe women's basketball season.
I'll get right on it.
This'll pry open
his voice box.
-Uh-oh.
-What?
I'm sorry, sirs.This'll have to wait.
Choppers incoming.
Why aren't they ever
outgoing?
Looks like S.R.O. in O.R.
We'll have to schedule
an extra matinee.
I see you're back, fella.
Hey, what is this?
It looks like this guyput the bandage on himself.
What's going on here?This is pretty sloppy first aid.
Jerry, what happened here?
What do you mean?They're wounded.
You all right?
Put some pressure
on this wound.
Are you hurt?
Listen, can you tell mesomething?
Is this me?
Are you kidding?
You're Sergeant Jerry Nielson.You're a medic.
This is MASH 4077.This doesn't look familiar?
Oi.
Hey, what's holding up
this train?
We gotta scrub. Let's move it!
In a minute, Colonel.
We got a problem here.
-What's that?-It's Nielson, the medic.
-He doesn't know who he is.-Does he have a head injury?
-I don't see anything.
-All right.
Let's get him inside
and take some X-rays.
I'll have Radarcall Sidney Freedman.
If he's lucky, he'll forgetthe whole damn war.
Does the roomlook smaller to you?
Maybe we've just outgrown it.
I saw this movie. It Happened One Night.
Clark Gable was over there,
and Claudette Colbertwas right over here.
Sorry, Claudette.
You know, I don't think
I like the idea
of being subdivided
in my own home.
Well, look at it
this way, Beej.
It gives us a place to hideour dirty underwear.
There we go.
You'll have to stop buying
that boomerang brand.
-Here's Sidney.
-Ah, good.
Professional help is
on the way, Charles.
Sidney, what kept you?
My jeep hada nervous breakdown.
Notice anything
different?
Yes.
Hunnicutt's got a mustache.
-Nothing gets past him.-No, thanks.
What's the logicalexplanation for this?
Albert Schweitzer
has cut himself off
from the world.
Oddly enough,at his request,not the world's.
-Hello, Major.-Oh, he's serious, Sidney.
He won't even
talk to himself.
Interesting. And you called meabout somebody else?
Another person hiding behinda blanket. Amnesia case.
It's really something, Sidney.This bright, dedicated kid
holding out his dog tagstrying to figure out who he is.
No sign of physical injury.Just can't remember a thing.
Could be
the billfold syndrome.
Oh, sure.
The billfold syndrome.
A man looks at his I.D.or his billfold,
and he can't place himself.
Can you help him?
-I'll do what I can.
-[Knocking]
Uh, sirs, I have a telegramfor Major Winchester.
Uh, next apartment.
Oh, hello,
Major Dr. Freedman.
The V.I.P. tent will be ready
as soon as I move
my animals out.
Sounds very comfy.
I wouldn't wait for a tip.
All I want is the magazine.
Later.
Looks like good news,Charles. What is it?
Yeah, share it with us.
B.J.: Come on.We want to know.
Yes?
Now if you can padthe rest of these walls,
I think you got it.
Well, how you doing?
He's doing just fine.
Don't you worry, son.
We're gonna pull youthrough this.
I'll be all right.
Of course you will.
I'll be in my office.
Jerry, there's someonehere to see you.
I wish it was Rita Hayworth
or Rita Hayworthwith a mustache,
but it's just this guy.
Dr. Freedman.
-How are you?
-I'm okay.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I just want to ask you
a few questions,
if you don't mind.
Can we start with your name?
Well, according to them,
I'm Jerry...
Nielson.
Thank you.
Do you have any idea
where you are?
[whispering] Hospital.
Margaret!
My mouth is shut.
Do you know where
this hospital is?
Wait a minute.
They told me.
No.
Do you rememberanything that happened
before you arrived here?
Nothing at all.
Jerry, can you tell mewhat year this is?
All right. Why don't youtake it easy for a while?
I wish I could help you.
We'll talk later.
I'll be right back.
You got a verdict,Sidney?
Well, my guess is
something terrible happenedto him out in the field
and he decided to deal with itby not dealing with it.
What can we do?
I'd like to hypnotize him.
Hopefully dig up whatever heso desperately wants to forget.
-You do it up here?-Right under the big top.
However, I'll need a coupleof volunteers from the audience.
-Take me, Houdini.
-Me, me!
Okay, Hawkeye and the little guywith the hairy lip.
Margaret,
I'd like you to go in
-and try to keep him calm.-Sure.
I guess all I get to dois wish you luck.
-We could use some of that too.-So what do we do?
Either of you ever actin the school play?
Oh, yeah. In college,
I played Hamlet.
-No kidding?
-I was pre-med.
I was the only one who couldget his hands on a skull.
What I'm going to do
is try to have Nielson
relive his trauma
under hypnosis,
bring him back tothe exact time and place
where he lost his memory.
-How do we fit in?
-Tell you over a beer.
You're going to help merecreate that time and place.
You'll be everything fromthe voices of his buddies
to the sounds of the battle.
-Uh, wait a minute.-The sounds of the battle?
Sidney, you gottabe kidding.
I've done a few
of these before.
-I've seen it work.-I lied to you about Hamlet.
♪ ["Old Gray Mare"]
Oh, boy, he's justkilling the happy hour.
Ah, they're playing
my dirge.
Sell it, Pops.
I mean, Father.
I've been doing this songfor 20 minutes.
I can't find the ending.
Bartender, three beersfor the Three Muscatels.
Comin' up.
By the way, Doc,
I keep hearing the same melodyover and over in my head.
Think I got anything?
Tired ears.
Three beers!
And one for the loudmouthat the end of the bar.
-It's on me.
-You got it.
You know, it's sad.
I mean, a guy loses
one little job,
and he turns his back
on everybody.
HAWKEYE: What makes himthink they'd have taken himin the first place?
Yeah, now, if there was
a janitor's job open,
he might have stood a chanceif he had a friend.
If he had a friend.
Is that what you think, Beej?
Is that what
all you cretins think?
Did you hear somethingthat sounded like Charles?
The mummy speaks.
Indeed, and I am
going to rise
from this hideous tomb
and leave all
you relics behind.
Going somewhere, Charles?
You bet your beer-soakedbrains I am.
Read this and weep.
This is from theMassachusetts General Hospital.
Massachusetts General Hospital.
You are looking
at the nextchief of thoracic surgery.
Gentlemen, eat my dust.
Well,
we got him to talk.
That's nothing.
I can make him yell.
Charles, uh, I wouldn'tpack my bags just yet.
-No?
-No.
See, Beej and I sort of, uh...
well, know about your news.
You read my telegram?
Read your-- Oh, heavens, no.
We wouldn't readyour telegram.
We wrote it.
-You-You wrote that?
-Uh-oh.
Well, I admit
it wasn't the nicest
thing we've ever done,
but you have to realizeyou challenged us.
There was no other wayto get you to talk.
We don't like to lose,
Charles.
Especially to you.
This is
the most despicable,
in--You wrote that?
-Mm-hmm.
-Insidious...
Uh, underhanded.
Underhanded, rotten...
-Wait. No, wait.
-Charles.
-Slimy scheme
that you two vermin--
-Slimy?
-...have ever perpetrated!-Maybe vermin, but not slimy.
-I loathe you!
-Charles, no...
I loathe you!
Welcome back, Charles.
We missed you.
SIDNEY: All yourthoughts are on the pen.
Only the pen.
You're sleepy. You'rein a very relaxed state.
Deeper and deeper.
Isn't it relaxing?
Now I want you to holdyour left arm straight out.
Okay, you're stillconcentrating.
You're very relaxed.
He's ready.
To make a left turn?
You can put your arm down.
All right, you know what to do,so just follow the leader.
If I were operatingin Carnegie Hall,
I wouldn't be this nervous.
Jerry, open your eyes.
You're in Korea.
Most of the time,
you're with the 5thRegimental Combat Team.
Where was your unitlast night?
Hill 403.
The Chinese threw
a battalion at us.
There was confusion.Shells dropping all around.
[imitating bombs dropping]
Your buddies are falling.You've gotta get to them.
Corpsman! Corpsman!
Stay down!
I'll get to ya!
Just stay down!
Thompson, help me
here, will ya?
What do you need?
My bandages and morphine.I left 'em in the bunker.
Don't worry, buddy.You're gonna be all right.
Incoming round! Look out!
[imitating bomb dropping]
-Thompson!
-What is it?
-Where's Stevie?
-Stevie?
My kid brother.
He's in your platoon.
Have you seen him?
-Sidney, his brother.
-Just answer no.
-No, I haven't seen him.-Oh, God!
Stevie!
I gotta find Stevie!
Where is he?
I gotta find him.
I gotta find him.
Lieutenant, have you
seen my brother?
-I don't know what to say.-Go with it. Anything.
Damn it, Lieutenant,
answer me! Is he dead?
I don't know, Nielson.
I haven't seen him.
I gotta find him.Please, help me find him.
We're looking, Jerry,but we can't find him.
We have to! I promised Mom
I'd look out for him.
She's counting on me.
I'm the oldest.
She said it's my job.
Not that too.
It'll kill her.
Stevie!
Stevie!
Stevie!
Jerry, we've looked.We've looked everywhere.
What happened to Stevie?
Oh, Stevie.
Stevie, no.
Please, no.
Tell me, Jerry.
I found him.
He never got
out of the bunker.
He never made it.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm sorry.
[sobbing]
Jerry, I'm goingto bring you out now,
but I want youto listen to me first.
We need your help.
We need you
to retain your memory.
You're Sergeant Jerry Nielson,
and you're from Hartford,Connecticut.
It's okay to remember.
We're going to talk
a lot about this.
We're going to help you,
and you're going to
help yourself.
[sobbing continues]
All right, on the count of 3,you'll wake up.
1, 2, 3.
[fingers snap]
It's okay, Jerry.
It's okay.
Let it out.
Let it out. It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
A toast to you and Jerry.
You know, we made a pretty
good team in there.
Let's hope that wasour farewell performance.
All here, gentlemen?
Good. Good.
Telegram for you.
-Telegram?
-Uh-oh.
[all chuckling]
Shall I, uh, open it?
I'd check itfor wires first.
"Gentlemen, heads up."
[jeep engine starting]
[all clamoring]
[theme music playing]
♪ [Big Band Over P.A.]
♪ ["Gonna Come Get You In a Taxi, Honey," sung in Japanese] ♪
♪ [Ends]
Hey, Major,
I just vacuumed there!
Give me that!
Major, please.
It's up to usto keep Korea beautiful.
Beautiful.
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.
Ambulance and jeeps approaching compound.
Everyone is instructed to do their stuff. That is all.
Pierce, Houlihan,
you take the bus.
-B.J. and I'll take the jeeps.-What about me?
You pass out the coffee
and doughnuts.
-Only bus I've ever seenthat's always on schedule.-Not an empty seat.
-All right, more light in here!-Okay, hubba hubba.
-We got all we can handle here.-Jerry, you again?
-Yeah.-You were here 12 hours ago.
-You sure get around.
-Yeah, I sure do.
I handle all
the vacation spots.
These here are guests
of Hill 403.
-Don't you ever sleep?
-Sleep? What's that?
You close your eyes,put your head on your chest,
and have nightmaresabout the war.
When you're a medic, you don'thave to close your eyes.
Let's get this guy outside.
You know, when I first
got to Korea,
I could carry one
of these all by myself.
Could we get some light
out here please?
Where do you want
the piano, lady?
Anywhere. Just don't
mark up the floor.
-Superficial. He can wait.-CHARLES: Hunnicutt,
I have a chest
and a femoral here.
Hawk, can you do me
a little favor?
Jerry, after allthose training films,
how could youlet that happen?
-Oh, no.
-Wait a second. Beej?
-Yeah?-How many chest wounds you got?
Two so far.
-How bad is he?
-Take a look.
What's the favor?
I'd like to watch
you guys work in O.R.
I never get beyond
the waiting room.
Request denied, Sergeant.
We're here to operate,not to demonstrate.
Charles, as chief surgeon
and your superior
in everything but rank,
-I hereby deny your denial.-I second that.
-All those in favor
of me say "aye."
-ALL: Aye!
Dictatorial anarchists.
Don't worry about him.
He's just mad
because you're
getting in for free.
-What is it?
-Number one.
HAWKEYE:
Clamp it there.
Next on our tour,
the human heart.
Most people think
it's a large red thing
that holds five pounds
of chocolates.
Not so. This little dynamo
pumps up to six liters
of blood a minute
and has the durability
of a tank.
The only thing
guaranteed to break it
is a cute blonde
in very tight shorts.
JERRY: This takeslonger than I thought.
You know, there's a lot of guyswaitin' to get in here.
Since when did wehire a shop foreman?
-Clamp.
-Clamp.
Don't worry, Nielson.
We'll have 'em all in and outbefore closing time.
Sorry, sir. I just geta little anxious.
We all do. We wear the masks tocover it.
Major, I specifically askedfor a Satinsky clamp.
On the contrary.
Your request was ambiguous.
You asked for a clamp.
And if you can't ask
nicely, don't ask at all.
Oh! How much longer
will I have to put up
with all of you?
A child your age is hard
to place in a foster home.
-[chuckles]-What are you doing there?
Suturing an artery.
It's sort of like
reupholstering
your '38 Chevy.
Boy, that's incredible.
You know, I alwayswanted to be a doctor.
What happened?
Well, when Igraduated high school,
I had to support my family.
Well, who knows?Maybe when you get back home.
Oh, this borderson the precious.
All right, time's up,
and our panel is stumped.
Charles, what is
bothering you?
Yeah, Major.Why the case of colic?
And be specific.
Well, I should blame thison Colonel Potter,
but I want to spread itaround to all of you.
What did I do this time?
This morning
I received a letter
from Massachusetts
General Hospital.
The one
in Massachusetts?
[giggling]
Notice how well I ignore.
Because I have beenassigned to this place
with no foreseeable escape,
my name has been withdrawn
from contention for chiefof thoracic surgery.
-Clamp!
-Clamp.
And after all he spent
on campaign hats.
Major, I know this isn'tgonna take, but I'm sorry.
Spare me your sympathy.
I called it.
Another opening like thismight not occur for years.
I don't know.
I understand
the North Koreans
are looking for
a good rubdown man.
You're a skilled
surgeon, Charles.
You can always work
door-to-door.
Rest assuredthat I will despise
each and every one of you
if I live to be a hundred.
Well, you know what they say,Charles: time wounds all heels.
[obnoxious laughter]
[laughter continues]
Oh, wow!
The Thompson twinsin the buff.
They don't lookvery much alike.
Of course not.They're brother and sister.
They are? Oh, yeah.
-B.J.: Feeling better, Charles?
-Well, if I was,
seeing you two has brought meright back to miserable.
Well, that's where you live.
I'm warning you, Pierce.
-What about me?
-You too, Hunnicutt.
I'm warning both of you.
I will no longer allow you
to take advantage
of my misfortunes.
In other words,
leave me alone,
or you'll both be wearingmy footprint on your butts!
-Think he means it?
-Gee, I hope not.
My steel underwear'sin the wash.
Mass General wanted me
because I am a brilliantand an inspired surgeon.
Dad didn't haveto donate that building.
[scoffs]Look, Winchester,
we know how much that jobmeant to you.
Silence, Pierce!
Just silence!
I've had enough!
This is the end of any furtherconversation between us.
What about me?
You too, Hunnicutt.
In fact, it goes forthis entire wretched camp.
I will no longer speakto anyone here ever again!
Period!
You're not serious?
Question mark.
Yeah, don't build upour hopes, Charles,
unless you really mean it.
These are my final words:Leave me alone.
-Ahh.-We can't pass that up.
You know what thismeans, don't you?
We're gonnahave to make you talk.
Th--
These are absolutely
my final words.
Never, never, never.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,oh, boy, oh, boy!
Attention, gourmands.
It's now recall time.
Think back,
a way back to Tuesday.
Remember those
luscious pork chops?
Well, here they are again.
Forty-eight hours oldand still clinging to the bone.
Good afternoon, Major.
Somewhere in those
three words,
I must have said
something terrible.
Say, isn't that
Charles Winchester,
the noted hermit?
-Sounds like him.-Hey, Major, what do you say?
I got a lot of hungry people
here to poison.
Is he ordering in Morse code?
The major's decided
he doesn't like us
anymore, Klinger.
He's broken off
undiplomatic relations.
He won't talk to us.
He won't read to us.
He won't even sing to us.Isn't that right, Charles?
Okay, okay.
You don't have to use
that tone with me.
You know, if I had half
that guy's neuroses,
I'd be outta here.
It takes years
of breeding, Klinger.
Uh, no. Shall we,uh, join old gabby?
Yeah. Let's, uh, joustwith the silent knight.
Uh, where we gonna eat?
Gee, I don't know.
Maybe we could, uh,
squeeze in here.
Oh, it's a little crowded.
I guess we'llhave to split up.
You don't mind,do you, Charles?
Thanks.
Pleasant chap.
Salt of the earth.Oh, would you pass it, please?
-Of course.
-Thank you.
-Uh, would you, uh...
-No, no, thank you.
-You sure?
-Oh, well, thanks.
Oh, would it bother anyone
if I were to comb out
my mustache before I ate?
Well,it's all right with me,
but you know how itbothers Charles.
Charles?
Thanks. I will.
Comb, comb, comb, comb, comb,comb, comb, comb, comb, comb.
Nothing. We should be tellinghim to shut up by now.
It's time to call out
the verbal cavalry.
Right.
Charles, your mother wearsvery expensive combat boots.
How was that?
No, no, no. More vicious.
I got one.
Charles, your father buys
his suits off the rack.
That was below the belt.
Charles, your parentsvoted for Roosevelt...
-four times.
-Beautiful.
Wait a minute.Wait a minute.
Where are you going?We're not finished yet.
At least he could have
said good-bye.
The nerve of that guynot giving in.
This is gonna be
harder than we thought.
Don't worry. You haven'theard the last from him.
I haven't heard anything.
DA-66-B's.
Form DA-362-1 A.
DA-362-1...
Oh, yeah.
Ah, the first snowfallof the season.
A million forms,and no two alike.
Be with you guys
in a second.
I'm sort of sorting.
Looks like military solitaire.
Radar, we gottasend a telegram.
From you two to who to?
A certain Major CharlesEmerson Winchester.
-Isn't he here?-Uh, we want it to look
like Massachusetts GeneralHospital is sending the wire.
Oh, I get it. A scam.
Just call it
a little white scam.
What do you guys wanna--
I mean, what's the hospitalgonna say to him?
Uh, Hospital administration
appalled by decision
of committee.
We would be honored to placeyour name among the candidates.
Your-Your patriotism
and bravery
more than make up
for your absence.
-Good touch.
-Oh, I don't know.
I don't like theunauthorizedness of this.
Radar, we've gottaget him to talk.
-It's a point of honor.
-What's the point?
He's easier to talk towhen he says nothing.
Radar, I just got October'sissue of Nudes Illustrated.
They cover the opening ofthe women's basketball season.
I'll get right on it.
This'll pry open
his voice box.
-Uh-oh.
-What?
I'm sorry, sirs.This'll have to wait.
Choppers incoming.
Why aren't they ever
outgoing?
Looks like S.R.O. in O.R.
We'll have to schedule
an extra matinee.
I see you're back, fella.
Hey, what is this?
It looks like this guyput the bandage on himself.
What's going on here?This is pretty sloppy first aid.
Jerry, what happened here?
What do you mean?They're wounded.
You all right?
Put some pressure
on this wound.
Are you hurt?
Listen, can you tell mesomething?
Is this me?
Are you kidding?
You're Sergeant Jerry Nielson.You're a medic.
This is MASH 4077.This doesn't look familiar?
Oi.
Hey, what's holding up
this train?
We gotta scrub. Let's move it!
In a minute, Colonel.
We got a problem here.
-What's that?-It's Nielson, the medic.
-He doesn't know who he is.-Does he have a head injury?
-I don't see anything.
-All right.
Let's get him inside
and take some X-rays.
I'll have Radarcall Sidney Freedman.
If he's lucky, he'll forgetthe whole damn war.
Does the roomlook smaller to you?
Maybe we've just outgrown it.
I saw this movie. It Happened One Night.
Clark Gable was over there,
and Claudette Colbertwas right over here.
Sorry, Claudette.
You know, I don't think
I like the idea
of being subdivided
in my own home.
Well, look at it
this way, Beej.
It gives us a place to hideour dirty underwear.
There we go.
You'll have to stop buying
that boomerang brand.
-Here's Sidney.
-Ah, good.
Professional help is
on the way, Charles.
Sidney, what kept you?
My jeep hada nervous breakdown.
Notice anything
different?
Yes.
Hunnicutt's got a mustache.
-Nothing gets past him.-No, thanks.
What's the logicalexplanation for this?
Albert Schweitzer
has cut himself off
from the world.
Oddly enough,at his request,not the world's.
-Hello, Major.-Oh, he's serious, Sidney.
He won't even
talk to himself.
Interesting. And you called meabout somebody else?
Another person hiding behinda blanket. Amnesia case.
It's really something, Sidney.This bright, dedicated kid
holding out his dog tagstrying to figure out who he is.
No sign of physical injury.Just can't remember a thing.
Could be
the billfold syndrome.
Oh, sure.
The billfold syndrome.
A man looks at his I.D.or his billfold,
and he can't place himself.
Can you help him?
-I'll do what I can.
-[Knocking]
Uh, sirs, I have a telegramfor Major Winchester.
Uh, next apartment.
Oh, hello,
Major Dr. Freedman.
The V.I.P. tent will be ready
as soon as I move
my animals out.
Sounds very comfy.
I wouldn't wait for a tip.
All I want is the magazine.
Later.
Looks like good news,Charles. What is it?
Yeah, share it with us.
B.J.: Come on.We want to know.
Yes?
Now if you can padthe rest of these walls,
I think you got it.
Well, how you doing?
He's doing just fine.
Don't you worry, son.
We're gonna pull youthrough this.
I'll be all right.
Of course you will.
I'll be in my office.
Jerry, there's someonehere to see you.
I wish it was Rita Hayworth
or Rita Hayworthwith a mustache,
but it's just this guy.
Dr. Freedman.
-How are you?
-I'm okay.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I just want to ask you
a few questions,
if you don't mind.
Can we start with your name?
Well, according to them,
I'm Jerry...
Nielson.
Thank you.
Do you have any idea
where you are?
[whispering] Hospital.
Margaret!
My mouth is shut.
Do you know where
this hospital is?
Wait a minute.
They told me.
No.
Do you rememberanything that happened
before you arrived here?
Nothing at all.
Jerry, can you tell mewhat year this is?
All right. Why don't youtake it easy for a while?
I wish I could help you.
We'll talk later.
I'll be right back.
You got a verdict,Sidney?
Well, my guess is
something terrible happenedto him out in the field
and he decided to deal with itby not dealing with it.
What can we do?
I'd like to hypnotize him.
Hopefully dig up whatever heso desperately wants to forget.
-You do it up here?-Right under the big top.
However, I'll need a coupleof volunteers from the audience.
-Take me, Houdini.
-Me, me!
Okay, Hawkeye and the little guywith the hairy lip.
Margaret,
I'd like you to go in
-and try to keep him calm.-Sure.
I guess all I get to dois wish you luck.
-We could use some of that too.-So what do we do?
Either of you ever actin the school play?
Oh, yeah. In college,
I played Hamlet.
-No kidding?
-I was pre-med.
I was the only one who couldget his hands on a skull.
What I'm going to do
is try to have Nielson
relive his trauma
under hypnosis,
bring him back tothe exact time and place
where he lost his memory.
-How do we fit in?
-Tell you over a beer.
You're going to help merecreate that time and place.
You'll be everything fromthe voices of his buddies
to the sounds of the battle.
-Uh, wait a minute.-The sounds of the battle?
Sidney, you gottabe kidding.
I've done a few
of these before.
-I've seen it work.-I lied to you about Hamlet.
♪ ["Old Gray Mare"]
Oh, boy, he's justkilling the happy hour.
Ah, they're playing
my dirge.
Sell it, Pops.
I mean, Father.
I've been doing this songfor 20 minutes.
I can't find the ending.
Bartender, three beersfor the Three Muscatels.
Comin' up.
By the way, Doc,
I keep hearing the same melodyover and over in my head.
Think I got anything?
Tired ears.
Three beers!
And one for the loudmouthat the end of the bar.
-It's on me.
-You got it.
You know, it's sad.
I mean, a guy loses
one little job,
and he turns his back
on everybody.
HAWKEYE: What makes himthink they'd have taken himin the first place?
Yeah, now, if there was
a janitor's job open,
he might have stood a chanceif he had a friend.
If he had a friend.
Is that what you think, Beej?
Is that what
all you cretins think?
Did you hear somethingthat sounded like Charles?
The mummy speaks.
Indeed, and I am
going to rise
from this hideous tomb
and leave all
you relics behind.
Going somewhere, Charles?
You bet your beer-soakedbrains I am.
Read this and weep.
This is from theMassachusetts General Hospital.
Massachusetts General Hospital.
You are looking
at the nextchief of thoracic surgery.
Gentlemen, eat my dust.
Well,
we got him to talk.
That's nothing.
I can make him yell.
Charles, uh, I wouldn'tpack my bags just yet.
-No?
-No.
See, Beej and I sort of, uh...
well, know about your news.
You read my telegram?
Read your-- Oh, heavens, no.
We wouldn't readyour telegram.
We wrote it.
-You-You wrote that?
-Uh-oh.
Well, I admit
it wasn't the nicest
thing we've ever done,
but you have to realizeyou challenged us.
There was no other wayto get you to talk.
We don't like to lose,
Charles.
Especially to you.
This is
the most despicable,
in--You wrote that?
-Mm-hmm.
-Insidious...
Uh, underhanded.
Underhanded, rotten...
-Wait. No, wait.
-Charles.
-Slimy scheme
that you two vermin--
-Slimy?
-...have ever perpetrated!-Maybe vermin, but not slimy.
-I loathe you!
-Charles, no...
I loathe you!
Welcome back, Charles.
We missed you.
SIDNEY: All yourthoughts are on the pen.
Only the pen.
You're sleepy. You'rein a very relaxed state.
Deeper and deeper.
Isn't it relaxing?
Now I want you to holdyour left arm straight out.
Okay, you're stillconcentrating.
You're very relaxed.
He's ready.
To make a left turn?
You can put your arm down.
All right, you know what to do,so just follow the leader.
If I were operatingin Carnegie Hall,
I wouldn't be this nervous.
Jerry, open your eyes.
You're in Korea.
Most of the time,
you're with the 5thRegimental Combat Team.
Where was your unitlast night?
Hill 403.
The Chinese threw
a battalion at us.
There was confusion.Shells dropping all around.
[imitating bombs dropping]
Your buddies are falling.You've gotta get to them.
Corpsman! Corpsman!
Stay down!
I'll get to ya!
Just stay down!
Thompson, help me
here, will ya?
What do you need?
My bandages and morphine.I left 'em in the bunker.
Don't worry, buddy.You're gonna be all right.
Incoming round! Look out!
[imitating bomb dropping]
-Thompson!
-What is it?
-Where's Stevie?
-Stevie?
My kid brother.
He's in your platoon.
Have you seen him?
-Sidney, his brother.
-Just answer no.
-No, I haven't seen him.-Oh, God!
Stevie!
I gotta find Stevie!
Where is he?
I gotta find him.
I gotta find him.
Lieutenant, have you
seen my brother?
-I don't know what to say.-Go with it. Anything.
Damn it, Lieutenant,
answer me! Is he dead?
I don't know, Nielson.
I haven't seen him.
I gotta find him.Please, help me find him.
We're looking, Jerry,but we can't find him.
We have to! I promised Mom
I'd look out for him.
She's counting on me.
I'm the oldest.
She said it's my job.
Not that too.
It'll kill her.
Stevie!
Stevie!
Stevie!
Jerry, we've looked.We've looked everywhere.
What happened to Stevie?
Oh, Stevie.
Stevie, no.
Please, no.
Tell me, Jerry.
I found him.
He never got
out of the bunker.
He never made it.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm sorry.
[sobbing]
Jerry, I'm goingto bring you out now,
but I want youto listen to me first.
We need your help.
We need you
to retain your memory.
You're Sergeant Jerry Nielson,
and you're from Hartford,Connecticut.
It's okay to remember.
We're going to talk
a lot about this.
We're going to help you,
and you're going to
help yourself.
[sobbing continues]
All right, on the count of 3,you'll wake up.
1, 2, 3.
[fingers snap]
It's okay, Jerry.
It's okay.
Let it out.
Let it out. It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
A toast to you and Jerry.
You know, we made a pretty
good team in there.
Let's hope that wasour farewell performance.
All here, gentlemen?
Good. Good.
Telegram for you.
-Telegram?
-Uh-oh.
[all chuckling]
Shall I, uh, open it?
I'd check itfor wires first.
"Gentlemen, heads up."
[jeep engine starting]
[all clamoring]
[theme music playing]