M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 6 - None Like It Hot - full transcript
A bath tub Hawkeye and B.J. purchase during a heat wave instantly becomes the ultimate hot spot, while Radar prepares for a tonsillectomy.
[theme music playing]
-[groans]
-[groans]
Welcome to the oven, Hansel.
I think I'm ready to be basted.
11:00, and all's hell.
Even my fingernails
are sweating.
When is this heat gonna end?
About five minutesbefore winter.
Come on. Let's get outfrom under this hot moon.
I think the cheese is melting.
What's this?
I don't know.It could be a large box.
Probably another care packagefor Charles--
something important likehis Toscanini collection.
Knowing Charles,it's probably Toscanini.
It's from Abercrombie & Fitch.
It's for us!
-The bathtub!
-[both laughing]
-Six months we've been waiting!-[laughs]
-It's beautiful!-Beautiful? You ingrate.
It's gorgeous.It's magnificent.It's the--
-It's beautiful!
-It's the only tub
from here to Seoul.
And it's ours, all ours!
Let's set it up,
see how it handles.
You know what this means,don't you, Beej?
From now on, we bathe.
-Not a shower, a bathe.-Oh.
[chuckling]
No more standing in line,
waiting for a measlytrickle down your back.
When a man has his tub,
he's his own island,
surrounded on all sidesby clear, refreshing water.
-[chuckles]-I feel cooler already.
Everybody should have one.
Can you imagine
how they'll envy us
when they find out
we got this?
-We better hide this thing.-We better hide it.
-Uh, no. Uh, no.
-A tub!
What are you two doing
with my tub?
-Yours?
-What makes you think
it's yours?
It's characteristicof my family to send me one.
We bought this
from our relatives,
Abercrombie & Fitch.
To make a long story short,
Charles,
you come out high and dry.
Your middle-class senseof decency and fair play
will overwhelm the maliceyou now bear me,
and soon I shall be luxuriatingin that canvas Xanadu.
And if that craps out,I'll just bribe you silly.
-Not on your life, boy.
-All right.
Perhaps you gentlemenwouldn't be adverse to, uh--
to a little blackmail.
Oh, camp!
Fifty people
won't fit in that tub.
You wouldn't tell everybodyabout our tub, would you?
Not if I'm in it.
[whistling]
Here's your coffee, sir.
Hot coffee, today?
You have hot coffee
this time every day.It's almost like a habit.
I'll tell you what.Leave it on your deskfor a few hours.
-Let it cool off.
-That's how I
got it to warm up.
I guess nothing makes senseat 104 degrees Fahrenheit.
Gee, I like your palm, sir.
I had Mildred send it to me.
I'm growing it for the shade.
Sir, you're looking at a manwho is slowly killing himself,
and I must warn you,it's no thrill to behold.
Not today, Klinger.I'm very closeto my boiling point.
Klinger, you smell
like the raccoon
that died
under our house.
There's a method
to my madness,
O Short One of the Open Pores.
-Watch it.
-Colonel!
If I can't go home
with a Section 8,
I'm gonna take advantageof the current weather
and kill myself
by dehydrationand/or heat prostration,
offending as many peopleas I can along the way.
Well, that's one way out
of this man's army.
I've always thought of itas that man's army, sir.
Out of my office, fur ball.
My untimely death will be
on your head, Colonel.
-Out!
-Come, my cheap mink.
-Radar, do we have
any incense around?
-I'll get the incense.
[Hawkeye laughing]
♪ Anchors aweigh, my boys
♪ Anchors aweigh
[quack, quack]
Keep it quiet, will ya?You gotta sing, sing underwater.
♪ I've got my brand-new tub
♪ And now I'm on my way
-[quack, quack, quack]
-Shh!
Good morning, B.J.
Oh, good morning, Father.Hot enough for you?
-[sighs] Purgatorial.
-[duck quacking]
I like to think of itas a sinner's sneak preview.
HAWKEYE: ♪ I'm Hawkeye
the sailor man ♪
[quack quack]
So what can I do
for you, Father?
Well, as the showers
were occupied,
I thought I'd usethe scrub sink to cool off.
-Go soak my head, as it were.
-[quacking continues]
[laughing]Isn't that interesting?
Hawkeye and I had the same idea.He's using it now.
♪ I'm Hawkeye
the sailor man ♪
-Yes, he seems to be
enjoying himself.
-[Hawkeye laughing]
If I may be so bold, B.J.,
you're lying
to the wrong fella.
Uh, Hawk.
Why, you little devils!
I have a good mind
to baptize you both
in dirty water.
Good work, Beej.That's really keeping them out.
Forgive us, Father,for we wanted you to knownot what we do.
Oh, don't worry about me.I'm next, after Winchester.
Who's after me,
who's after you.
-Up!
-Oh, it's beautiful.
Thank you from the whole gang.
Let's try to keep the gangdown to four, okay, Father?
Oh, you're forgetting.I'm in the secret business.
I want it!
Women often have that reactionwhen they see me naked.
Wonderful. Charles isprobably announcing it
on Armed Forces Radio.
All right, what deal didWinchester make with you
that he had no right to?
I supply the bubble bath.Oh, look at it!
Oh, I'm just gonnasoak in it for hours.
Careful, Margaret.You're drooling on my ducky.
-Well, now we are five.-Four if we drown Charles.
You certainly don't think he'srunning around telling other
people about it?
-[voices overlapping]
-All right, hold
your water, everybody.
This can still work.We hide this when we have to.
We respect each other's privacy,change the water now and then...
and above all be greedyand keep this thing to
ourselves.
-Amen.
-B.J., MARGARET: Amen!
[sighs]
-Are you all right?
-Oh, sure, sir.
It's just the heat
and the work, that's all.
You looklike an old banana.
Thank you, sir.
You've been bustin'your buns all day.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a hand.
We'll have you outta herein no time.
-That's very nice,
but the work is--
-I wanna help you.
I know, but it's not
that hard.
And I'm going to help youwhether you want it or not.
-I knew I'd see it
your way, sir.
-Dandy.
Okay, I'm putting thesein the personnel file,
and I'm filing them
in alphabetical order,
like A, B, C, D, E, F...
I'll pick it up in a minute.
Sir, Corporal Klingerreporting
with a surprisefor your eyes.
-Holy cow!
-How about it, huh?
You can't get thesejust everywhere.
Klinger, I'm impressed.
The latest in rubberreducing suits.
I'm getting out of hereif I have to go pint by pint.
-Aren't you gettinga little carried away, son?-Oh, I hope so, sir.
But you alonehave the power to save me.
Let's face it. Would a sane manabuse himself like this?
Just lookin' at him
makes my eyes woozy.
Klinger, this one is
definitely in the running.
Oh, be still, my sweaty heart.I think I see daylight.
By golly, maybe you do.I'll tell you what.
If you can stand being
in a getup like that
for another 24 hours,
you are the craziest manI've ever met.
You mean to say that--
I mean to say that
whatever's left of you
can have that magic
Section 8.
-Wow!
-Eureka!
I did it! I did it!
Whoa, whoa!
You didn't did it yet.
You've gotta prove
you're a maniac.
[chuckling]
If you'll pardon the seasonalpun, sir, no sweat.
All right. Let's synchronizeour watches.
Oh, sorry, sir. My watchwent for the rubber suit.
-But I'll trust you.
-Okay.
Twenty-four hours
from mark.
You're on your way,
Klinger. Good luck.
Thank you, Colonel.I kiss your palm.
Oh, Radar, when you've
got some time later,
I want to call home
and order my Toledo Mud Henseason tickets.
-You bet. And good luck.-I'm free.
Free. Free!
Hello, Margaret.
Hello yourself,and see how you like it.
Wait. Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
-You're upset.
-You bet I am.
I had a free half hourthis afternoon,
and Admiral Winchesterbeat me to the tub.
Um... Um...
Margaret, we don't
use the "T" word
in front of company.
Oh, you're right.
Could you please keep
your hot lips sealed?
Can we move along, sir?
We've already had
three servers
faint from the steam.
I'll just have the salad.
Brown lettuce?
What am I supposed to dowith this, eat it or smoke it?
You think that's brown?
Look at the mayonnaise.
Right back at you.
You want green,
have the liver.
-Mind if I fast here?
-Huh? Oh, sure.
You can sit down if you want.
Radar, don't pick at your food.It'll never heal.
-Your tonsils again, huh?-Yeah.
Your temperature's
up a little.
It's a hot day, sir.
I don't think
the penicillin's working.
Eventually, they're gonna
have to come out, you know.
Oh, no, sir. Please?
Just give me a bigger doseof penicillin.
-Maybe that'll cure it.-I don't know.
-You're pretty moldy right now.-Please? Please?
-Please?
-All right.
For now, I think we should getyour temperature down, though.
How you gonna do that, sir?
Can you keep
a military secret?
Anything.
At the risk of severe
personal injury,
I'm about to break
a sacred vow.
Last night, B.J. and I got
a very important package
from home.
You mean the bathtubfrom Abalone and Finch?
You know?
Well, of course.
I signed for it.
And you didn't
tell anybody?
Of course not.Who cares about a bathtub?
-Shh!
-What? What?
Don't you understand?
You can fill it with water
and get in it.
Are you crazy?Get into a bathtubfull of hot water?
I got a temperature.
Radar, you can also fill itwith cool water.
Oh. Cool w--
Oh! I could cool offin the bathtub.
-Good idea. Let's go.
-Wait, wait, wait.
Could I have privacywith nobody around?
-Not even a mirror.
-Let's go.
-Did I hear right?
-A bathtub?
I heard right.
[mouthing words]
All right, Radar.
Is there anybodyout there?
It's all clear.
I even blindfolded
the duck.
Are you sure, sir?
'Cause I'm all nakedand everything.
Radar, my eyes are closed,
my back is turned,
and I'm ready to leave.
You call that naked?
Oh, I knew you'd peek!
All right, I'm going.
But promise me one thing.
Don't bathe
with your shorts on.
They'll balloon up,
and you'll float away.
Okay, I'm going.
Enjoy your privacy, Corporal.
-[all clamoring]
-Oh, it's beautiful!
-[voices overlapping]-Oh! Don't look! Don't look!
All right, all right!
So you know!
But don't tell anybody!
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention! The Pierce/Hunnicutt bathtub
will remain open
on a first-come,
first-soak basis.
Your cooperation
is appreciated
but not expected.
Ah, that Pierce
and his big mouth.
I'll probably never getto use that thing.
Private, are you
watching the time?
Everybody's
got 10 minutes, Major.
If someone goes 11,
I got orders to shoot.
This is the ultimatedegradation--
forced to stand in linewith the great unwashed.
Hey, how can you peopledress like that?
Are you nuts? You'll freeze.
-[shouts, groans]
-Quiet!
Boy! What I need right now
is a bracing cup
of hot chocolate.
Hey, hey, don't bunch upover there.
You're a sucker
for an avalanche.
That man is the Michelangeloof deviant behavior.
Looks who's talking.
Most people just sing
when they bathe.
I always listen to musicwhilst tubbing.
This morning,
my suds shall ripple
to the soundsof the "1812 Overture."
Easy, easy. Clods.
Private, 10 minutes!
Not according to Mickey.
Margaret... Margaret, relax.
Just thinkabout that cool water
dancing over yourever-receptive skin
your body soothed intoa state of deep contentment
-while every pore
cries out in ecstasy.
-ALL: [moaning]
It's fabulous.
It's just fabulous.
Besides, it's something to do.
I can't stand it anymore!I can't stand it!
Who's ever in there,come on out this minuteor I'll yank you out!
Do you hear me?
Come on out of there!
-ALL: [shouting]
-Get him out of there!
Now just one
blessed moment!
I'll come out
when my time is up
and not one minute before!
It's my bath, and I'm
taking it! So there!
Forgive me.
Six months we waitedfor that bathtub.
Now we're gonna have to waitin line six more months
-before we can use it.
-Tell me again.
The first 50 times
didn't sink in.
Come on. I'll buy you
a beer. You can cry in it.
-Buy me two.
-Two beers.
Radar, I'm sorry
I drove you to drink.
It's just Grape Nehi.
It'll be on my conscienceforever.
I'm looking for CaptainsPierce and Hunnicutt.
-Here.
-Present.
Clifford Rhoden,
Supply Sergeant,222nd Combat Engineers.
-I wanna buy your bathtub.
-Rhoden. Rhoden.
-The Scrounger.
-Oh, right.
Sergeant Rhoden
of Sears and Rhoden.
Supplies a wide
variety of contraband,
even if he has to robhis grandmother to get it.
You read my brochure.
The tub's not for sale.
It's been in my family
since yesterday.
I couldn't bear
to part with it.
Well, let me work
my magic on you.
-Watch it.
-I got it all.
-Radios, tailor-made clothing.-No.
-Twelve-year-old scotch.-Help me, Beej.
Hard sell, huh?
All right.
Here's somethin'
nobody can resist.
Stag films guaranteedto make a grown man blush.
Probably kill you.
-No sale nohow.
-I got it figured out.
You're making money on this,aren't you?
I seen that line out there.
How much you charging,five bucks a butt? Ten?
Nothing.
Nothing for a skinny dipin paradise?
What are you guys,Communists?
Nyet.
All right,
but you haven't heardthe last of Sergeant Rhoden.
-Nobody says no
to the Scrounger.
-No?
The entire free enterprisesystem is ridin' on this one.
Oh.
What a creep.
Boy, I thought
he had you guys
on that 12-year-old scotch.
-Nah.
-To willpower.
Quick, drink before
I run after him.
-All right, Radar,let's look at that throat.-No, it's okay, honest!
-Come on.
-Come on. Let us inbefore we come in after you.
All right, you can look,but don't touch anything.
-They're purple.-That's the Grape Nehi.
-Oh.
-Oh, we've left them
in too long, Radar.
-They're ready to be picked.-Oh, geez, I knew it.
I knew it. Isn't thereanything else that can be done?
Sure. You can
leave 'em in
and be miserable
the rest of your life.
I'm willing
to take my chances.
Oh, geez. How long will itbe before I can talk good?
How long you been trying?
How much are we charging
Radar for this?
Nothing. He promised to leavehis teddy bear to science.
Hey, Doc, can you
spare a salt pill?
Oh, Klinger, come on!Get off it, will ya?
Not when I've come this far.
I don't care if they send meback in an eyedropper,
as long as they
send me back.
Where do you keep
the salt pills?
Somebody asking
for salt pills?
Salt pills? Oh, uh,
not for me, sir.
Some of the other people
are having problems
with the heat--
weak constitutions, quitters,that sort of thing.
I thought I'd
spend my last day
helping others.
As for myself, sir,
I'm fresh as a daisy.
But you smell
like a garlic blossom.
Well, back to work, sir.
Back to work.
You know, boys,that little tub of yours
is turning into
a big monster.
That line out there
is a burning fuse.
Do you read me?
Aw, Colonel, don't make
us pull the plug.
That isn't just a tub.That's 63 gallons ofcivilization.
Wonderful. When the campgoes up in smoke,
we can use it
to put out the fire.
-Now you're being practical.-And another thing.
I don't want you rushingthrough Radar's operation.
Don't worry about a thing,Colonel. We'll see you inside.
Now tell me again
how we do this.
I thought you knew.
Steady, steady.
You want more suction?
-Just more silence.
-Okay, okay.
But sometimes,the simple operations
prove to bethe trickiest.
I had a professor
who stitched that
on a cadaver.
Good Lord!
Tom Sawyer and Becky
are still lost down there.
Just finish the operation.
Not till I find Injun Joe.
Steady as she goes.
You wanna show me
how, Colonel?
All right.
He's taking the instrument.
You gotta go lightlyaround the superior pole.
Steady as she goes.
Steady as she goes.
Hey, hurry up in there!Nobody's that dirty!
-How would you know?
-Oh, pardon me.
I cannot.You are inexcusable.
Listen, Major, just becauseyou live in this line
doesn't mean you own it.
Curb your tongue,dogface.
Thanks for saving my place.
Hey, what do you mean,
your place?
Your place is behind him.
Nothin' doin'.
I forgot my shampoo.
Now I'm back where I was.
You're gonna be someplaceyou never been
if you don't get outta here.
Make me!
Now, now, now, idiots.
Hey, fight.
Good fight over here.
There's a war on,
you know.
Hey, good fight out here.Good fight.
Right over there. Gentlemen.
Boy, I tell ya,
watching a tonsillectomy likethat can be really grueling.
All right, all right.
If you doctors will
excuse me,
I'm gonna slip into
my Buster Crabbe swim fins
and take the plunge.
-Oh, yeah?
-[yelling, shouting]
Come on! Break it up!
Break it up!
-Let me at him!
-You were at him.
All you did was
break his shirt.
What started this,
as if I didn't know?
He tried to shove in lineahead of me.
Well, that's certainlyenough reason to kill a man.
That's it! I don't care
how you do it,
but get rid of that tub.
-It's a menace.
-Aw, come on, Colonel.
I want it out of town
by sundown.
Send me instead.
-Swell.
-Come on.
I'll treat you
to a measly little shower.
-♪ [1812 Overture plays] -Comin' through! Excuse me.
Ahh. Good.
-[groans]
-Oh.
-Thank you.
-[groans]
-Oh, hello.
-Major.
Ah, Radar.
I didn't recognize you
without your tonsils.
If you guys come by
to make me feel better,
don't come by.
Hey, it's gonna hurtfor a couple days,
then it'll be all over.
How about a nice cool drinkof water?
That ought to drownyour sorrows.
Uh-uh. No more water.
Ice cream. Strawberry.
Radar, this is Korea.
There isn't a Good Humor manwithin 10,000 miles.
Then could you guys
kind of leave?
I'd like to be alone
in my misery.
All right. If you want us,you have our card.
And don't talk so much.
Sirs? I'm sorry
I'm such a pain.
It's hard to be nice
when you're miserable.
We know, Radar. We know.
-[horn honking]
-Here's opportunity!
Knocking once more.
I figured out why you don'twant to trade for the tub.
-It's 'cause you hate me.-Oh, you've only scratchedthe surface.
This time, I've brought justmy first-line merchandise.
Will you listen to me, please?
-Okay, we'll listen.
-Yeah.
You will? Good.
Swiss-made watches, guaranteedto do everything but yodel.
-Who cares what
time it is here?
-No.
Remember me telling youabout that 12-year-old scotch?
A whole case.
-Sold.
-Great.
-Hawk?
-Huh?
-We can do better.
-Plus... what?
-Radar.
-Oh, yeah, right.
Plus, we want, uh, uh,10 gallons of ice cream.
Ice cream in this heat?
-Strawberry.
-Strawberry.
Two cases of scotch.
Okay, two cases of scotch.
And the ice cream.
Oh, come on, sirs.
Give me a break.
That's our final offer.Scotch a la mode.
Well, I got some connections
that's got someconnections in the Navy
and maybe one of themaircraft carriers out there
could spare a gallon or two.
I'll see what I can drum up.
If it's 10 gallons ofstrawberry, you got a deal.
Deal.
[scoffs]
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
I sure am losin' my touch.
Last war, could've talked youdown to a can of Spam.
And a can of Spam!
Thought I told you boysto unload that wet elephant.
Oh, done, Colonel.We just closed escrow.
Oh, yeah?
What'd you get for it?
-Uh, some ice cream for Radar.-Oh.
Five gallonsfor each tonsil.
Hot diggity!
I'm proud of you.
That was not only obedientbut damn nice.
Hot! Hot! Hot!
I can't stand it anymore!
I can't stand it anymore!
Gangway!
[shouting]
-[loud splash]
-[screaming]
He jumped in with me!
Oh, it's a crying shame.
He only had
an hour to go.
-[screaming]
-[wolf whistles]
Oh, Radar?
Don't get up now.
If Lois Lane willexcuse you for a minute,
there's somethingwe'd like to show you.
What's up?
A wave of the hand,a flick of the wrist,
and a hearty "Hi-ho, Silver!"
Type one each, ice cream.Strawberry. Delicious.
Holy cow,
that's real ice cream.
How'd you do it?
Well, let's just sayyou'll never have to worry
about taking a bath again.
Oh, boy,
you guys are real pals.
You better get started.
You've got a lot
of ice cream to eat.
-Dive in, Radar.
-Here goes.
We know you got
the ice cream! Come on!
[yelling, shouting]
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
How about it, Radar?
The scoops are on me.
All right, line forms here,
one at a time, single file.
Me first.I gotta gain some weight.
[voices overlapping]
-[knocking]
-Come in. It's
too hot to get up.
-Major Houlihan---I take it back! Get out!
I'm here with
a peace offering.
I'd like to ask
your forgiveness
for my unforgivable behavior
when I interruptedyour bath this afternoon
in spite of the fact
that, at the time,
I was half-crazed
with heat prostration.
-You certainly were.
-Please let me finish.
There was no excusefor my jumping in with you
in the state of undress
that you were in.
Apology accepted.
Give me the ice cream.
Enjoy it
in good health, ma'am.
And once again, I'm sorryfor barging in on you--
You already said that.
Good night, Major.
Oh, by the way,
are you doing anything
Saturday night?
[theme music playing]
-[groans]
-[groans]
Welcome to the oven, Hansel.
I think I'm ready to be basted.
11:00, and all's hell.
Even my fingernails
are sweating.
When is this heat gonna end?
About five minutesbefore winter.
Come on. Let's get outfrom under this hot moon.
I think the cheese is melting.
What's this?
I don't know.It could be a large box.
Probably another care packagefor Charles--
something important likehis Toscanini collection.
Knowing Charles,it's probably Toscanini.
It's from Abercrombie & Fitch.
It's for us!
-The bathtub!
-[both laughing]
-Six months we've been waiting!-[laughs]
-It's beautiful!-Beautiful? You ingrate.
It's gorgeous.It's magnificent.It's the--
-It's beautiful!
-It's the only tub
from here to Seoul.
And it's ours, all ours!
Let's set it up,
see how it handles.
You know what this means,don't you, Beej?
From now on, we bathe.
-Not a shower, a bathe.-Oh.
[chuckling]
No more standing in line,
waiting for a measlytrickle down your back.
When a man has his tub,
he's his own island,
surrounded on all sidesby clear, refreshing water.
-[chuckles]-I feel cooler already.
Everybody should have one.
Can you imagine
how they'll envy us
when they find out
we got this?
-We better hide this thing.-We better hide it.
-Uh, no. Uh, no.
-A tub!
What are you two doing
with my tub?
-Yours?
-What makes you think
it's yours?
It's characteristicof my family to send me one.
We bought this
from our relatives,
Abercrombie & Fitch.
To make a long story short,
Charles,
you come out high and dry.
Your middle-class senseof decency and fair play
will overwhelm the maliceyou now bear me,
and soon I shall be luxuriatingin that canvas Xanadu.
And if that craps out,I'll just bribe you silly.
-Not on your life, boy.
-All right.
Perhaps you gentlemenwouldn't be adverse to, uh--
to a little blackmail.
Oh, camp!
Fifty people
won't fit in that tub.
You wouldn't tell everybodyabout our tub, would you?
Not if I'm in it.
[whistling]
Here's your coffee, sir.
Hot coffee, today?
You have hot coffee
this time every day.It's almost like a habit.
I'll tell you what.Leave it on your deskfor a few hours.
-Let it cool off.
-That's how I
got it to warm up.
I guess nothing makes senseat 104 degrees Fahrenheit.
Gee, I like your palm, sir.
I had Mildred send it to me.
I'm growing it for the shade.
Sir, you're looking at a manwho is slowly killing himself,
and I must warn you,it's no thrill to behold.
Not today, Klinger.I'm very closeto my boiling point.
Klinger, you smell
like the raccoon
that died
under our house.
There's a method
to my madness,
O Short One of the Open Pores.
-Watch it.
-Colonel!
If I can't go home
with a Section 8,
I'm gonna take advantageof the current weather
and kill myself
by dehydrationand/or heat prostration,
offending as many peopleas I can along the way.
Well, that's one way out
of this man's army.
I've always thought of itas that man's army, sir.
Out of my office, fur ball.
My untimely death will be
on your head, Colonel.
-Out!
-Come, my cheap mink.
-Radar, do we have
any incense around?
-I'll get the incense.
[Hawkeye laughing]
♪ Anchors aweigh, my boys
♪ Anchors aweigh
[quack, quack]
Keep it quiet, will ya?You gotta sing, sing underwater.
♪ I've got my brand-new tub
♪ And now I'm on my way
-[quack, quack, quack]
-Shh!
Good morning, B.J.
Oh, good morning, Father.Hot enough for you?
-[sighs] Purgatorial.
-[duck quacking]
I like to think of itas a sinner's sneak preview.
HAWKEYE: ♪ I'm Hawkeye
the sailor man ♪
[quack quack]
So what can I do
for you, Father?
Well, as the showers
were occupied,
I thought I'd usethe scrub sink to cool off.
-Go soak my head, as it were.
-[quacking continues]
[laughing]Isn't that interesting?
Hawkeye and I had the same idea.He's using it now.
♪ I'm Hawkeye
the sailor man ♪
-Yes, he seems to be
enjoying himself.
-[Hawkeye laughing]
If I may be so bold, B.J.,
you're lying
to the wrong fella.
Uh, Hawk.
Why, you little devils!
I have a good mind
to baptize you both
in dirty water.
Good work, Beej.That's really keeping them out.
Forgive us, Father,for we wanted you to knownot what we do.
Oh, don't worry about me.I'm next, after Winchester.
Who's after me,
who's after you.
-Up!
-Oh, it's beautiful.
Thank you from the whole gang.
Let's try to keep the gangdown to four, okay, Father?
Oh, you're forgetting.I'm in the secret business.
I want it!
Women often have that reactionwhen they see me naked.
Wonderful. Charles isprobably announcing it
on Armed Forces Radio.
All right, what deal didWinchester make with you
that he had no right to?
I supply the bubble bath.Oh, look at it!
Oh, I'm just gonnasoak in it for hours.
Careful, Margaret.You're drooling on my ducky.
-Well, now we are five.-Four if we drown Charles.
You certainly don't think he'srunning around telling other
people about it?
-[voices overlapping]
-All right, hold
your water, everybody.
This can still work.We hide this when we have to.
We respect each other's privacy,change the water now and then...
and above all be greedyand keep this thing to
ourselves.
-Amen.
-B.J., MARGARET: Amen!
[sighs]
-Are you all right?
-Oh, sure, sir.
It's just the heat
and the work, that's all.
You looklike an old banana.
Thank you, sir.
You've been bustin'your buns all day.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a hand.
We'll have you outta herein no time.
-That's very nice,
but the work is--
-I wanna help you.
I know, but it's not
that hard.
And I'm going to help youwhether you want it or not.
-I knew I'd see it
your way, sir.
-Dandy.
Okay, I'm putting thesein the personnel file,
and I'm filing them
in alphabetical order,
like A, B, C, D, E, F...
I'll pick it up in a minute.
Sir, Corporal Klingerreporting
with a surprisefor your eyes.
-Holy cow!
-How about it, huh?
You can't get thesejust everywhere.
Klinger, I'm impressed.
The latest in rubberreducing suits.
I'm getting out of hereif I have to go pint by pint.
-Aren't you gettinga little carried away, son?-Oh, I hope so, sir.
But you alonehave the power to save me.
Let's face it. Would a sane manabuse himself like this?
Just lookin' at him
makes my eyes woozy.
Klinger, this one is
definitely in the running.
Oh, be still, my sweaty heart.I think I see daylight.
By golly, maybe you do.I'll tell you what.
If you can stand being
in a getup like that
for another 24 hours,
you are the craziest manI've ever met.
You mean to say that--
I mean to say that
whatever's left of you
can have that magic
Section 8.
-Wow!
-Eureka!
I did it! I did it!
Whoa, whoa!
You didn't did it yet.
You've gotta prove
you're a maniac.
[chuckling]
If you'll pardon the seasonalpun, sir, no sweat.
All right. Let's synchronizeour watches.
Oh, sorry, sir. My watchwent for the rubber suit.
-But I'll trust you.
-Okay.
Twenty-four hours
from mark.
You're on your way,
Klinger. Good luck.
Thank you, Colonel.I kiss your palm.
Oh, Radar, when you've
got some time later,
I want to call home
and order my Toledo Mud Henseason tickets.
-You bet. And good luck.-I'm free.
Free. Free!
Hello, Margaret.
Hello yourself,and see how you like it.
Wait. Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
-You're upset.
-You bet I am.
I had a free half hourthis afternoon,
and Admiral Winchesterbeat me to the tub.
Um... Um...
Margaret, we don't
use the "T" word
in front of company.
Oh, you're right.
Could you please keep
your hot lips sealed?
Can we move along, sir?
We've already had
three servers
faint from the steam.
I'll just have the salad.
Brown lettuce?
What am I supposed to dowith this, eat it or smoke it?
You think that's brown?
Look at the mayonnaise.
Right back at you.
You want green,
have the liver.
-Mind if I fast here?
-Huh? Oh, sure.
You can sit down if you want.
Radar, don't pick at your food.It'll never heal.
-Your tonsils again, huh?-Yeah.
Your temperature's
up a little.
It's a hot day, sir.
I don't think
the penicillin's working.
Eventually, they're gonna
have to come out, you know.
Oh, no, sir. Please?
Just give me a bigger doseof penicillin.
-Maybe that'll cure it.-I don't know.
-You're pretty moldy right now.-Please? Please?
-Please?
-All right.
For now, I think we should getyour temperature down, though.
How you gonna do that, sir?
Can you keep
a military secret?
Anything.
At the risk of severe
personal injury,
I'm about to break
a sacred vow.
Last night, B.J. and I got
a very important package
from home.
You mean the bathtubfrom Abalone and Finch?
You know?
Well, of course.
I signed for it.
And you didn't
tell anybody?
Of course not.Who cares about a bathtub?
-Shh!
-What? What?
Don't you understand?
You can fill it with water
and get in it.
Are you crazy?Get into a bathtubfull of hot water?
I got a temperature.
Radar, you can also fill itwith cool water.
Oh. Cool w--
Oh! I could cool offin the bathtub.
-Good idea. Let's go.
-Wait, wait, wait.
Could I have privacywith nobody around?
-Not even a mirror.
-Let's go.
-Did I hear right?
-A bathtub?
I heard right.
[mouthing words]
All right, Radar.
Is there anybodyout there?
It's all clear.
I even blindfolded
the duck.
Are you sure, sir?
'Cause I'm all nakedand everything.
Radar, my eyes are closed,
my back is turned,
and I'm ready to leave.
You call that naked?
Oh, I knew you'd peek!
All right, I'm going.
But promise me one thing.
Don't bathe
with your shorts on.
They'll balloon up,
and you'll float away.
Okay, I'm going.
Enjoy your privacy, Corporal.
-[all clamoring]
-Oh, it's beautiful!
-[voices overlapping]-Oh! Don't look! Don't look!
All right, all right!
So you know!
But don't tell anybody!
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention! The Pierce/Hunnicutt bathtub
will remain open
on a first-come,
first-soak basis.
Your cooperation
is appreciated
but not expected.
Ah, that Pierce
and his big mouth.
I'll probably never getto use that thing.
Private, are you
watching the time?
Everybody's
got 10 minutes, Major.
If someone goes 11,
I got orders to shoot.
This is the ultimatedegradation--
forced to stand in linewith the great unwashed.
Hey, how can you peopledress like that?
Are you nuts? You'll freeze.
-[shouts, groans]
-Quiet!
Boy! What I need right now
is a bracing cup
of hot chocolate.
Hey, hey, don't bunch upover there.
You're a sucker
for an avalanche.
That man is the Michelangeloof deviant behavior.
Looks who's talking.
Most people just sing
when they bathe.
I always listen to musicwhilst tubbing.
This morning,
my suds shall ripple
to the soundsof the "1812 Overture."
Easy, easy. Clods.
Private, 10 minutes!
Not according to Mickey.
Margaret... Margaret, relax.
Just thinkabout that cool water
dancing over yourever-receptive skin
your body soothed intoa state of deep contentment
-while every pore
cries out in ecstasy.
-ALL: [moaning]
It's fabulous.
It's just fabulous.
Besides, it's something to do.
I can't stand it anymore!I can't stand it!
Who's ever in there,come on out this minuteor I'll yank you out!
Do you hear me?
Come on out of there!
-ALL: [shouting]
-Get him out of there!
Now just one
blessed moment!
I'll come out
when my time is up
and not one minute before!
It's my bath, and I'm
taking it! So there!
Forgive me.
Six months we waitedfor that bathtub.
Now we're gonna have to waitin line six more months
-before we can use it.
-Tell me again.
The first 50 times
didn't sink in.
Come on. I'll buy you
a beer. You can cry in it.
-Buy me two.
-Two beers.
Radar, I'm sorry
I drove you to drink.
It's just Grape Nehi.
It'll be on my conscienceforever.
I'm looking for CaptainsPierce and Hunnicutt.
-Here.
-Present.
Clifford Rhoden,
Supply Sergeant,222nd Combat Engineers.
-I wanna buy your bathtub.
-Rhoden. Rhoden.
-The Scrounger.
-Oh, right.
Sergeant Rhoden
of Sears and Rhoden.
Supplies a wide
variety of contraband,
even if he has to robhis grandmother to get it.
You read my brochure.
The tub's not for sale.
It's been in my family
since yesterday.
I couldn't bear
to part with it.
Well, let me work
my magic on you.
-Watch it.
-I got it all.
-Radios, tailor-made clothing.-No.
-Twelve-year-old scotch.-Help me, Beej.
Hard sell, huh?
All right.
Here's somethin'
nobody can resist.
Stag films guaranteedto make a grown man blush.
Probably kill you.
-No sale nohow.
-I got it figured out.
You're making money on this,aren't you?
I seen that line out there.
How much you charging,five bucks a butt? Ten?
Nothing.
Nothing for a skinny dipin paradise?
What are you guys,Communists?
Nyet.
All right,
but you haven't heardthe last of Sergeant Rhoden.
-Nobody says no
to the Scrounger.
-No?
The entire free enterprisesystem is ridin' on this one.
Oh.
What a creep.
Boy, I thought
he had you guys
on that 12-year-old scotch.
-Nah.
-To willpower.
Quick, drink before
I run after him.
-All right, Radar,let's look at that throat.-No, it's okay, honest!
-Come on.
-Come on. Let us inbefore we come in after you.
All right, you can look,but don't touch anything.
-They're purple.-That's the Grape Nehi.
-Oh.
-Oh, we've left them
in too long, Radar.
-They're ready to be picked.-Oh, geez, I knew it.
I knew it. Isn't thereanything else that can be done?
Sure. You can
leave 'em in
and be miserable
the rest of your life.
I'm willing
to take my chances.
Oh, geez. How long will itbe before I can talk good?
How long you been trying?
How much are we charging
Radar for this?
Nothing. He promised to leavehis teddy bear to science.
Hey, Doc, can you
spare a salt pill?
Oh, Klinger, come on!Get off it, will ya?
Not when I've come this far.
I don't care if they send meback in an eyedropper,
as long as they
send me back.
Where do you keep
the salt pills?
Somebody asking
for salt pills?
Salt pills? Oh, uh,
not for me, sir.
Some of the other people
are having problems
with the heat--
weak constitutions, quitters,that sort of thing.
I thought I'd
spend my last day
helping others.
As for myself, sir,
I'm fresh as a daisy.
But you smell
like a garlic blossom.
Well, back to work, sir.
Back to work.
You know, boys,that little tub of yours
is turning into
a big monster.
That line out there
is a burning fuse.
Do you read me?
Aw, Colonel, don't make
us pull the plug.
That isn't just a tub.That's 63 gallons ofcivilization.
Wonderful. When the campgoes up in smoke,
we can use it
to put out the fire.
-Now you're being practical.-And another thing.
I don't want you rushingthrough Radar's operation.
Don't worry about a thing,Colonel. We'll see you inside.
Now tell me again
how we do this.
I thought you knew.
Steady, steady.
You want more suction?
-Just more silence.
-Okay, okay.
But sometimes,the simple operations
prove to bethe trickiest.
I had a professor
who stitched that
on a cadaver.
Good Lord!
Tom Sawyer and Becky
are still lost down there.
Just finish the operation.
Not till I find Injun Joe.
Steady as she goes.
You wanna show me
how, Colonel?
All right.
He's taking the instrument.
You gotta go lightlyaround the superior pole.
Steady as she goes.
Steady as she goes.
Hey, hurry up in there!Nobody's that dirty!
-How would you know?
-Oh, pardon me.
I cannot.You are inexcusable.
Listen, Major, just becauseyou live in this line
doesn't mean you own it.
Curb your tongue,dogface.
Thanks for saving my place.
Hey, what do you mean,
your place?
Your place is behind him.
Nothin' doin'.
I forgot my shampoo.
Now I'm back where I was.
You're gonna be someplaceyou never been
if you don't get outta here.
Make me!
Now, now, now, idiots.
Hey, fight.
Good fight over here.
There's a war on,
you know.
Hey, good fight out here.Good fight.
Right over there. Gentlemen.
Boy, I tell ya,
watching a tonsillectomy likethat can be really grueling.
All right, all right.
If you doctors will
excuse me,
I'm gonna slip into
my Buster Crabbe swim fins
and take the plunge.
-Oh, yeah?
-[yelling, shouting]
Come on! Break it up!
Break it up!
-Let me at him!
-You were at him.
All you did was
break his shirt.
What started this,
as if I didn't know?
He tried to shove in lineahead of me.
Well, that's certainlyenough reason to kill a man.
That's it! I don't care
how you do it,
but get rid of that tub.
-It's a menace.
-Aw, come on, Colonel.
I want it out of town
by sundown.
Send me instead.
-Swell.
-Come on.
I'll treat you
to a measly little shower.
-♪ [1812 Overture plays] -Comin' through! Excuse me.
Ahh. Good.
-[groans]
-Oh.
-Thank you.
-[groans]
-Oh, hello.
-Major.
Ah, Radar.
I didn't recognize you
without your tonsils.
If you guys come by
to make me feel better,
don't come by.
Hey, it's gonna hurtfor a couple days,
then it'll be all over.
How about a nice cool drinkof water?
That ought to drownyour sorrows.
Uh-uh. No more water.
Ice cream. Strawberry.
Radar, this is Korea.
There isn't a Good Humor manwithin 10,000 miles.
Then could you guys
kind of leave?
I'd like to be alone
in my misery.
All right. If you want us,you have our card.
And don't talk so much.
Sirs? I'm sorry
I'm such a pain.
It's hard to be nice
when you're miserable.
We know, Radar. We know.
-[horn honking]
-Here's opportunity!
Knocking once more.
I figured out why you don'twant to trade for the tub.
-It's 'cause you hate me.-Oh, you've only scratchedthe surface.
This time, I've brought justmy first-line merchandise.
Will you listen to me, please?
-Okay, we'll listen.
-Yeah.
You will? Good.
Swiss-made watches, guaranteedto do everything but yodel.
-Who cares what
time it is here?
-No.
Remember me telling youabout that 12-year-old scotch?
A whole case.
-Sold.
-Great.
-Hawk?
-Huh?
-We can do better.
-Plus... what?
-Radar.
-Oh, yeah, right.
Plus, we want, uh, uh,10 gallons of ice cream.
Ice cream in this heat?
-Strawberry.
-Strawberry.
Two cases of scotch.
Okay, two cases of scotch.
And the ice cream.
Oh, come on, sirs.
Give me a break.
That's our final offer.Scotch a la mode.
Well, I got some connections
that's got someconnections in the Navy
and maybe one of themaircraft carriers out there
could spare a gallon or two.
I'll see what I can drum up.
If it's 10 gallons ofstrawberry, you got a deal.
Deal.
[scoffs]
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
I sure am losin' my touch.
Last war, could've talked youdown to a can of Spam.
And a can of Spam!
Thought I told you boysto unload that wet elephant.
Oh, done, Colonel.We just closed escrow.
Oh, yeah?
What'd you get for it?
-Uh, some ice cream for Radar.-Oh.
Five gallonsfor each tonsil.
Hot diggity!
I'm proud of you.
That was not only obedientbut damn nice.
Hot! Hot! Hot!
I can't stand it anymore!
I can't stand it anymore!
Gangway!
[shouting]
-[loud splash]
-[screaming]
He jumped in with me!
Oh, it's a crying shame.
He only had
an hour to go.
-[screaming]
-[wolf whistles]
Oh, Radar?
Don't get up now.
If Lois Lane willexcuse you for a minute,
there's somethingwe'd like to show you.
What's up?
A wave of the hand,a flick of the wrist,
and a hearty "Hi-ho, Silver!"
Type one each, ice cream.Strawberry. Delicious.
Holy cow,
that's real ice cream.
How'd you do it?
Well, let's just sayyou'll never have to worry
about taking a bath again.
Oh, boy,
you guys are real pals.
You better get started.
You've got a lot
of ice cream to eat.
-Dive in, Radar.
-Here goes.
We know you got
the ice cream! Come on!
[yelling, shouting]
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
How about it, Radar?
The scoops are on me.
All right, line forms here,
one at a time, single file.
Me first.I gotta gain some weight.
[voices overlapping]
-[knocking]
-Come in. It's
too hot to get up.
-Major Houlihan---I take it back! Get out!
I'm here with
a peace offering.
I'd like to ask
your forgiveness
for my unforgivable behavior
when I interruptedyour bath this afternoon
in spite of the fact
that, at the time,
I was half-crazed
with heat prostration.
-You certainly were.
-Please let me finish.
There was no excusefor my jumping in with you
in the state of undress
that you were in.
Apology accepted.
Give me the ice cream.
Enjoy it
in good health, ma'am.
And once again, I'm sorryfor barging in on you--
You already said that.
Good night, Major.
Oh, by the way,
are you doing anything
Saturday night?
[theme music playing]