M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 4 - Our Finest Hour - full transcript
An hour-long series retrospective. A reporter, Clete Roberts, interviews the staff. Mixed in are scenes from past shows.
[theme music playing]
♪ [fanfare]
ANNOUNCER: From Movietone News cameramen
advancing with United Nations troops,
come these films of actual
frontline fighting.
The harsh,
grim realism of war
as the medical corps
fights for every life
bringing helicopters right to the battlefront,
returning the wounded to nearby surgical units.
Out here, minutes mean lives.
[O.R. chatter]
Lori, check the temperature
on that chest wound.
Good evening. This is Korea,October 9, 1952.
I'm Clete Roberts,
and I'm speaking to youfrom the recovery room
of the 4077th Mobile ArmySurgical Hospital-- a MASH.
The fighting began out heremore than two years ago,
and in spite of the
ongoing peace talks,
an end seems nowhere in sight.
This isn't the first time
we've been to this
particular unit,
but we've returned becauseits record of efficiency,
and the peoplewho make that record,
are a truly unique story.
Doctor?
Doctor, could I, uh,
bother you a moment?
Yeah, uh, justhold on a second.
Set up a tray for me tomorrow,
and I'll removethe sutures, okay?
-Yes.-As a practicing surgeon
how do you cope with these
unusual circumstances?
Well, usually I just,uh, turn my mind off
and hope it'll all go away.
That, uh, doesn't, uh,seem to work, though,
so most times you just, uh,
do your job and try to forget
that there's a war going onoutside the window.
-[all yelling]
-Give me a towel!
Somebody put a blanket
over that window!
[shouting]
Keep calm, everybody.
This can't go onmuch more than forever.
I'm telling you
we're being shelled!
Do you hear me? It's beengoing on for half an hour!
Impossible. My latestintelligence map shows
there are no enemy unitsin your sector.
You are not being shelled,young man.
If you don't believe me,listen for yourself.
Did ya-- Did-- Did ya--
Hello? Hello?
I've seen the
casualty reports,
and the number of woundedmen that pass through here
is staggering.
Yeah, we've got enoughclientele here
to open a hospital.
Makes for somelong sessions in O.R.
I've seen surgeons so tired,
they almost fell asleepon their patients.
-Time?
-About 0100.
0100? I workedaround the clock!
Sure beats
working around here.
I'm so bushed I can'tremember my last patient.
-He had quintuplets.
-Oh, yeah.
How many more out there?
MARGARET: I counted 19
when I came in.
19? There were 19two hours ago.
HAWKEYE: They restock theshelves when they run out.
[exhales]How long we been at this?
-I started surgery in 1932.
-I mean this session.
So do I.
Maybe we should
charge them piecework.
We can't. This is war.
[yawns]
By the way,
which war is this?
The latest war
to end all wars.
-Rough, huh?
-Plenty.
-Want a puff?
-Thanks.
I'm taking 10 minutes.
I'm on 10 minutes.
Between us, we got20 minutes. Let's go.
CLETE: What's your most
difficult problem here?
Well, uh, for me,
the toughest
is getting used todoing things the army way.
You see, back home in Toledo,
when we needed something,
we just stole it.
Borrowed it.
You know, back in Iowa,if you wanted somethin',
all you had to do
was ask for it.
But, I mean, wow.
Over here, they got,
uh, paperwork and requisitionsfor everything.
Okay, sir, uh,
you sign this top form,
then initial all the rest.
-Initial, Radar?
-Oh, yes, sir.
Uh, your initials signify
that, instead of signing,
you initialed.
Uh, then, uh,
you have to sign this form
which states that you
merely initialed the forms
that required signing.
Uh, then,
after you've signed,
you put your initial
where you signed
so that people will know thatyou okayed your signaturewith your initial.
Radar, tell me the truth.
Do you understand any of this?
Uh, I try not to, sir.
It slows up the work.
The business at hand
is an incubator--
that is, if my
lieutenant understood
what your colonel said
you captains want.
Right.
And we need oneas soon as possible.
Inhalator, indicator,inoculator, infuselator.
Here it is.
437/R2, incubator.
Thar she blows!
"A device for developing
bacterial cultures
at constant, suitable
temperatures."
Uh-huh. I see.
That certainly makes sense.
[papers rustling]
You can't have one.
Beg your pardon?
I checked your B.E.L.
Basic Equipment List?
This unit has everythingit's supposed to have.
You're not entitled
to an incubator.
That would be a-- a luxury.
Luxury?
We're not asking
for a jukebox
or a pizza oven.
Those I can let you have.
BLAKE: No kidding.
Hey, those would be greaton movie nights.
Uh, you got anypizza requisition forms?
Uh, just use
the standard S1798
and write in "pizza"where it says "machine gun."
What do you miss
the most?
Well, just offhandI'd say, uh, uh
a mattressthicker than a matzo...
my own bathroomwith a combination lock...
any woman out of any uniform...
and the entire state of Maine.
Well, I miss playing
spoons with my wife.
Playing spoons?
I don't understand.
-You mean music?
-No.
You cuddle up togetherlike two spoons in a drawer.
Wait a minute.That's a little personal.
Maybe you shouldn't use it.
Whatever you say.
Aw, what the hell.
I'm sure there are plentyof people back home
who do the same thing.
Father, what do you
miss the most?
Well, let's see.
I think, a chapel
that didn't double
as a mess tent.
You see, I'm very fond
of stained glass.
What do I miss the most?
My very own room.
Sir, do you mindif we close those doors?
Don't be antisocial, Radar.
Would you mindturning your head, please.
Radar, I'm a doctor.
I've seen more behinds
than you'll ever have.
Uh, gee, I don't thinkit's too much to ask...
for one guy to ask another guyto turn his head.
Your modesty
is almost indecent.
Well, if you're a doctorlike you say...
then you don't need to seeany more than you've seen.
Go ahead. Get sore.I love it when those little...
wisps of steam come out
of your tiny ears.
Excuse, please, mister.
Sir?
There's a lady
out there.
You'll have to excusethe way I look.
I haven't seen a beautyparlor since Tokyo.
Oh, you-- you look
just fine.
Oh, thank you.
What was the question?
What do you miss
the most around here?
Around here?
Well, frankly,
I'd have to say a senseof order and discipline.
I think you'll all agree
that, by trying to introducemore discipline, more order,
I have hopefully made this
a more enjoyable war
for all of us.
♪ [off-key]
Fire ceremonial salute.
But, sir, the angle--
Fire the salute, Private!
Yes, sir.
[clank]
[mouthing]
You! Ooh!
[clamoring]
Well, one thing I missis my wife's cooking.
What am I saying?Anybody's cooking.
I got it. Smell this.
Come on.Don't start with me.
-I know what it smells like.-I mean it.
I can't eatif you do that.
Just take a sniff.
If you took a raw egg
and buried it in a shoe
under a chicken coop.
I told you not to do that.How am I gonna eat this stuff?
Am I right?
But a brown egg.
-A brown egg, right?
-Will you shut up?
-Creamed corn?
-Thank you.
And for the entree today--
-Here it comes.
-Steady.
We have liver or fish.
I didn't hear you say that.
Because it isn't possible.
It's inhuman to servethe same food day after day.
The Geneva convention prohibitsthe killing of our taste buds.
Easy.
I simply cannot eatthe same food every day.
Fish, liver! Day after day!
I've eaten a river of liverand an ocean of fish!
I've eaten so much fish,I'm ready to grow gills.
I've eaten so much liver,I can only make love
if I'm smotheredin bacon and onions.
Are we gonna stand for this?
Are we gonna let them
do this to us?
No, I say! No!
We're not gonna eat
this dreck anymore!
We want something else!
We want something else!
[chanting]We want something else!
We want something else!
Draftees of the world arise!
You have nothingto lose but your cookies!
We want something else!
We want something else!
We want something else!
We want something else!
We want something else!
We want something else!
Ah-ahh-ahh!
♪ [fanfare]
Our foreign policyis not a political issue.
It is a matter
of life and death.
It is a matterof the future of mankind.
You will find thatnot one cent of $18,000
or anybody else
from a constituent
went into my personal pocket.
It never has, and itnever will in the future.
I shall go to Korea.
To rephrase an old adage,
war, like politics,makes strange bedfellows.
The 4077th is
a highly diverse,
if not disparate,
group of people.
And yet the war seems to havemolded them into a family.
I would say,all things considered,
and without overstating it,
they're just about--
No, forget "just about."
They're the bestbunch of people
I've ever worked within my whole life.
Oh, my--
It's a horse, sir.
Here's the keys.
A beautiful horse.
I don't know
what to say, Radar.
Pretty nice, Radar.
At least I'll get
to take care of him.
RADAR:Sorry about that, sir.
That's disgusting!
Son, to me,
that's a tiptoe
through the tulips.
When you share the horrorthat we do day in and day out,
you don't just feel close,you cling to each other.
I hate the damn army,but I love these people.
The way people
come and go around here.
You know, you justget to know one person,
and he leaves,
and then there's
another person.
Uh, was it
something I said?
I'm gonna grab a jeep,
drive to Seoul,and catch the first plane home.
Right after they shoot
you for desertion,
you'll get a ticket
for drunk driving.
I gotta see my daughters.
Do you know how long it's beensince I made love to my wife?
At least one daughter ago.
Trap, leaving a war
in the middle
is very upsetting
to those who invited us.
Hey, listen. I don't likea movie, I get up and leave.
I don't like the war,I'm going.
Aw, come on, Trap.
You gotta stick around
and see how it ends.
Oh, but it doesn't end.It's continuous.
When it finishes here,they take it on the road.
See ya in the funny papers.
-Trap.-Hey, Hawk, out of the way.
I don't want to use violence.
Then I will.
Well, you have to understand,I'm regular army.
Most of them are not.
They're a terribly unrulyand undisciplined bunch,
and I thank God for eachand every one of them
when those casualtiesroll in.
You get close to everybodyin a place like this.
Some more than others,
of course.
Uh, my bunkmatefor instance, B.J. Hunnicutt.
Uh, clean-cut, family man,
even temperament.
In spite of that,
I really like the guy.
Tell me,
who's the most devoted
family man in the world?
Mickey Rooney.
Who gets an A in fidelity?
-RCA Victor.
-No. You, both times.
Oh.
So how come she turns down
a date with Dr. Jekyll
to go work in the lab
with Mr. Hyde?
She's helping mewith some cases.
I could use a little of
that kind of help myself.
Hawk--
Are you sure there's
nothing going on
-between you two kids?
-Honest.
A little hanky-panky
after taps?
I'm happily married!
Oh, yeah?
I'm hopelessly, passionatelyin love with my wife.
What's wrong with that?
I don't want to mess that up.
I feel like
I've betrayed her.
We're still human beings,you know,
no matter how hardwe try not to be.
Yes, I know,
and I'm still afraid.
Of what?
Of you.
Because you're right here.
And you're so attractiveand so close.
And so vulnerable.
Yes.
We can be friends.
Okay.
Let's go back
to work, friend.
And then, of course,
there's Major Winchester,our newest arrival.
Someone should saysomething nice about him.
Uh...
H-He's a very good doctor.
What's so great about him?
I do one thing at a time,
I do it very well,
and then I move on.
Gentlemen, please,
pay close attentionto this bowel resection.
I don't want to haveto show it to you twice.
[chuckle]
I'm not gonna playsecond scalpel
to this garbanzo forthe rest of the war.
Why don't we avoid
the Christmas rush
and start hating him now?
Sir, I have been here
interminably.
Time flies whenyou've got good duty.
This meatball
surgery of yours
is causing my skills
to deteriorate!
They're wasting away.
Don't change the color
of your face!
I'm out of umber!
And I'm out of patience!
This place is driving me mad!
I've had enough
of your beefing!
I need you here, and you'llstay here like the rest of us.
Here. Your face is finished.
You can cut me offfrom the civilized world.
You can incarcerate mewith two moronic cell mates.
You can torture mewith your thrice-daily swill.
But you cannot breakthe spirit of a Winchester.
My voice shall be heard
from this wilderness
and I shall be delivered
from this fetid
and festering sewer.
I think he's gettingthe hang of this place.
Tell me something
about the people here.
No, I don't want to getinto personalities, uh, here.
However,there are some people
that I will tryvery hard to forget.
Of course,I know I never shall.
One in particularwho is, you might say,
well, let's start with immature,self-righteous, arrogant,
everything I abhor.
For the record,
the only thing that makes himmarginally acceptable
is his skill as a surgeon.
Of course, even in therehis conduct is insufferable.
Good evening,
ladies and germs.
I'm sorry I'm late,
but my watch stopped.
It had to. It's been
running fast all week.
[laughing]
Is this the first time
you've been pregnant?
Nurse! Nurse!
Did you call me,
Doctor?
Why should I call youDoctor? I'm the surgeon.
I will not carry a gun, Frank.
When I got into this war,
I had a very
clear understanding
with the Pentagon:
no guns.
[scoffs]
I'll carry your books,
I'll carry a torch,
I'll carry a tune.
I'll carry on,carry over, carry forward,
Cary Grant, cash-and-carry,"Carry Me Back to Old Virginia,"
I'll even hara-kiri
if you show me how,
but I will not carry a gun.
Boy, you reallyare a sicko! Mental.
Wouldn't you be,Lieutenant Nightingale?
It goes against
my training to say
"Take two aspirinand go get yourself killed."
What would Hippocrates say?
What would Socrates say?
And what would you say
if I asked you
if you wanted to go
into the linen closet
for several minutes
of heavy breathing?
-Are you gonna knock it off?-Nurse.
Pull down my mask.
-Frank?
-Hmm?
Thank you.
Our head nurse
is really something.
Uh, Major Houlihan.
Margaret.
Did I mentionshe's really something?
Major Houlihan.
Sir!
-Chief Nurse.
-Yes, sir.
-Ten years, spotless record.-Thank you, sir.
Major Frank Burns.
Just friends, sir.
Flare your nostrils
for me, Frank.
I get so excited
when you flare them.
Margaret, I get so excitedwhen you say "excited."
[laughs]
Funny thing, war.
Never have so manysuffered so much
so so few could be so happy.
Frank, we're so lucky
to be two of the few
and not the many.
I know, darling,and I love being both of us.
Oh, Frank,
you're so above average.
Frank, be honest.
You really think of me asa bag of desirable bones.
Oh, of course, Margaret.
I have a mind, Frank.
A mind and a brain.
Of course you do.
Let me kiss your brain.
Frank, leave.
Take your face and--
your married face and get out!
Avec plaisir,
Miss Snake-in-the-Grass!
Oh! You should talk,you two-timing four-flusher!
-Oh, Frank!
-Oh, Margaret!
Did I mentionshe's really something?
-You do me.
-Roll up your sleeve.
-Uh-uh.-What do you mean, "Uh-uh"?
I want mine in my tushy.
-Your what?
-Derriere!
The back of my front.
The fleshy part.
Sir--
Excuse me. I'm sorry!
[laughing]
Aaah!
[laughs]Margaret, that was fantastic!
Let's get it over with.
My sentiments exactly.
Let us not dawdle overa moment like this.
Let us treat itas a professionalencounter of the most--
Oh, Margaret, may Ipause on this occasion
-to express a few thoughts?-If you say one word--
Oh, I wouldn't.I wouldn't. Not a word.
But if I did, that wordwould be "magnificent."
Would that be bad?
Will you please
give me the shot!
Okay, okay.
[screams]
Stop it! Stop it!
You don't know whether
we're Americans
or Chinese or Koreans!
Margaret, come here.
I'm sorry. I'm afraid.
Me too. So am I.
I don't like being afraid.
It scares me.
Me too. I'd feel a lot braverif I weren't so scared.
-Please hold me.
-I'm holding you.
I can't feel it.
Hold me. Hold me.
Margaret, I'm holding you.
Will you cut it out!You want to kill us?
-For crying out loud,
cut it out!
-Stop it. Stop it!
-Stop it! Just leave us alone!-Will you cut it out!
You know all those rottenthings I've said to you?
All those nasty littletricks I played on you?
Yes.
I'd like to get welland do them all over again.
[theme music playing]
♪ [fanfare]
ANNOUNCER: From Movietone News cameramen
advancing with United Nations troops,
come these films of actual
frontline fighting.
The harsh,
grim realism of war
as the medical corps
fights for every life
bringing helicopters right to the battlefront,
returning the wounded to nearby surgical units.
Out here, minutes mean lives.
[O.R. chatter]
Lori, check the temperature
on that chest wound.
Good evening. This is Korea,October 9, 1952.
I'm Clete Roberts,
and I'm speaking to youfrom the recovery room
of the 4077th Mobile ArmySurgical Hospital-- a MASH.
The fighting began out heremore than two years ago,
and in spite of the
ongoing peace talks,
an end seems nowhere in sight.
This isn't the first time
we've been to this
particular unit,
but we've returned becauseits record of efficiency,
and the peoplewho make that record,
are a truly unique story.
Doctor?
Doctor, could I, uh,
bother you a moment?
Yeah, uh, justhold on a second.
Set up a tray for me tomorrow,
and I'll removethe sutures, okay?
-Yes.-As a practicing surgeon
how do you cope with these
unusual circumstances?
Well, usually I just,uh, turn my mind off
and hope it'll all go away.
That, uh, doesn't, uh,seem to work, though,
so most times you just, uh,
do your job and try to forget
that there's a war going onoutside the window.
-[all yelling]
-Give me a towel!
Somebody put a blanket
over that window!
[shouting]
Keep calm, everybody.
This can't go onmuch more than forever.
I'm telling you
we're being shelled!
Do you hear me? It's beengoing on for half an hour!
Impossible. My latestintelligence map shows
there are no enemy unitsin your sector.
You are not being shelled,young man.
If you don't believe me,listen for yourself.
Did ya-- Did-- Did ya--
Hello? Hello?
I've seen the
casualty reports,
and the number of woundedmen that pass through here
is staggering.
Yeah, we've got enoughclientele here
to open a hospital.
Makes for somelong sessions in O.R.
I've seen surgeons so tired,
they almost fell asleepon their patients.
-Time?
-About 0100.
0100? I workedaround the clock!
Sure beats
working around here.
I'm so bushed I can'tremember my last patient.
-He had quintuplets.
-Oh, yeah.
How many more out there?
MARGARET: I counted 19
when I came in.
19? There were 19two hours ago.
HAWKEYE: They restock theshelves when they run out.
[exhales]How long we been at this?
-I started surgery in 1932.
-I mean this session.
So do I.
Maybe we should
charge them piecework.
We can't. This is war.
[yawns]
By the way,
which war is this?
The latest war
to end all wars.
-Rough, huh?
-Plenty.
-Want a puff?
-Thanks.
I'm taking 10 minutes.
I'm on 10 minutes.
Between us, we got20 minutes. Let's go.
CLETE: What's your most
difficult problem here?
Well, uh, for me,
the toughest
is getting used todoing things the army way.
You see, back home in Toledo,
when we needed something,
we just stole it.
Borrowed it.
You know, back in Iowa,if you wanted somethin',
all you had to do
was ask for it.
But, I mean, wow.
Over here, they got,
uh, paperwork and requisitionsfor everything.
Okay, sir, uh,
you sign this top form,
then initial all the rest.
-Initial, Radar?
-Oh, yes, sir.
Uh, your initials signify
that, instead of signing,
you initialed.
Uh, then, uh,
you have to sign this form
which states that you
merely initialed the forms
that required signing.
Uh, then,
after you've signed,
you put your initial
where you signed
so that people will know thatyou okayed your signaturewith your initial.
Radar, tell me the truth.
Do you understand any of this?
Uh, I try not to, sir.
It slows up the work.
The business at hand
is an incubator--
that is, if my
lieutenant understood
what your colonel said
you captains want.
Right.
And we need oneas soon as possible.
Inhalator, indicator,inoculator, infuselator.
Here it is.
437/R2, incubator.
Thar she blows!
"A device for developing
bacterial cultures
at constant, suitable
temperatures."
Uh-huh. I see.
That certainly makes sense.
[papers rustling]
You can't have one.
Beg your pardon?
I checked your B.E.L.
Basic Equipment List?
This unit has everythingit's supposed to have.
You're not entitled
to an incubator.
That would be a-- a luxury.
Luxury?
We're not asking
for a jukebox
or a pizza oven.
Those I can let you have.
BLAKE: No kidding.
Hey, those would be greaton movie nights.
Uh, you got anypizza requisition forms?
Uh, just use
the standard S1798
and write in "pizza"where it says "machine gun."
What do you miss
the most?
Well, just offhandI'd say, uh, uh
a mattressthicker than a matzo...
my own bathroomwith a combination lock...
any woman out of any uniform...
and the entire state of Maine.
Well, I miss playing
spoons with my wife.
Playing spoons?
I don't understand.
-You mean music?
-No.
You cuddle up togetherlike two spoons in a drawer.
Wait a minute.That's a little personal.
Maybe you shouldn't use it.
Whatever you say.
Aw, what the hell.
I'm sure there are plentyof people back home
who do the same thing.
Father, what do you
miss the most?
Well, let's see.
I think, a chapel
that didn't double
as a mess tent.
You see, I'm very fond
of stained glass.
What do I miss the most?
My very own room.
Sir, do you mindif we close those doors?
Don't be antisocial, Radar.
Would you mindturning your head, please.
Radar, I'm a doctor.
I've seen more behinds
than you'll ever have.
Uh, gee, I don't thinkit's too much to ask...
for one guy to ask another guyto turn his head.
Your modesty
is almost indecent.
Well, if you're a doctorlike you say...
then you don't need to seeany more than you've seen.
Go ahead. Get sore.I love it when those little...
wisps of steam come out
of your tiny ears.
Excuse, please, mister.
Sir?
There's a lady
out there.
You'll have to excusethe way I look.
I haven't seen a beautyparlor since Tokyo.
Oh, you-- you look
just fine.
Oh, thank you.
What was the question?
What do you miss
the most around here?
Around here?
Well, frankly,
I'd have to say a senseof order and discipline.
I think you'll all agree
that, by trying to introducemore discipline, more order,
I have hopefully made this
a more enjoyable war
for all of us.
♪ [off-key]
Fire ceremonial salute.
But, sir, the angle--
Fire the salute, Private!
Yes, sir.
[clank]
[mouthing]
You! Ooh!
[clamoring]
Well, one thing I missis my wife's cooking.
What am I saying?Anybody's cooking.
I got it. Smell this.
Come on.Don't start with me.
-I know what it smells like.-I mean it.
I can't eatif you do that.
Just take a sniff.
If you took a raw egg
and buried it in a shoe
under a chicken coop.
I told you not to do that.How am I gonna eat this stuff?
Am I right?
But a brown egg.
-A brown egg, right?
-Will you shut up?
-Creamed corn?
-Thank you.
And for the entree today--
-Here it comes.
-Steady.
We have liver or fish.
I didn't hear you say that.
Because it isn't possible.
It's inhuman to servethe same food day after day.
The Geneva convention prohibitsthe killing of our taste buds.
Easy.
I simply cannot eatthe same food every day.
Fish, liver! Day after day!
I've eaten a river of liverand an ocean of fish!
I've eaten so much fish,I'm ready to grow gills.
I've eaten so much liver,I can only make love
if I'm smotheredin bacon and onions.
Are we gonna stand for this?
Are we gonna let them
do this to us?
No, I say! No!
We're not gonna eat
this dreck anymore!
We want something else!
We want something else!
[chanting]We want something else!
We want something else!
Draftees of the world arise!
You have nothingto lose but your cookies!
We want something else!
We want something else!
We want something else!
We want something else!
We want something else!
We want something else!
Ah-ahh-ahh!
♪ [fanfare]
Our foreign policyis not a political issue.
It is a matter
of life and death.
It is a matterof the future of mankind.
You will find thatnot one cent of $18,000
or anybody else
from a constituent
went into my personal pocket.
It never has, and itnever will in the future.
I shall go to Korea.
To rephrase an old adage,
war, like politics,makes strange bedfellows.
The 4077th is
a highly diverse,
if not disparate,
group of people.
And yet the war seems to havemolded them into a family.
I would say,all things considered,
and without overstating it,
they're just about--
No, forget "just about."
They're the bestbunch of people
I've ever worked within my whole life.
Oh, my--
It's a horse, sir.
Here's the keys.
A beautiful horse.
I don't know
what to say, Radar.
Pretty nice, Radar.
At least I'll get
to take care of him.
RADAR:Sorry about that, sir.
That's disgusting!
Son, to me,
that's a tiptoe
through the tulips.
When you share the horrorthat we do day in and day out,
you don't just feel close,you cling to each other.
I hate the damn army,but I love these people.
The way people
come and go around here.
You know, you justget to know one person,
and he leaves,
and then there's
another person.
Uh, was it
something I said?
I'm gonna grab a jeep,
drive to Seoul,and catch the first plane home.
Right after they shoot
you for desertion,
you'll get a ticket
for drunk driving.
I gotta see my daughters.
Do you know how long it's beensince I made love to my wife?
At least one daughter ago.
Trap, leaving a war
in the middle
is very upsetting
to those who invited us.
Hey, listen. I don't likea movie, I get up and leave.
I don't like the war,I'm going.
Aw, come on, Trap.
You gotta stick around
and see how it ends.
Oh, but it doesn't end.It's continuous.
When it finishes here,they take it on the road.
See ya in the funny papers.
-Trap.-Hey, Hawk, out of the way.
I don't want to use violence.
Then I will.
Well, you have to understand,I'm regular army.
Most of them are not.
They're a terribly unrulyand undisciplined bunch,
and I thank God for eachand every one of them
when those casualtiesroll in.
You get close to everybodyin a place like this.
Some more than others,
of course.
Uh, my bunkmatefor instance, B.J. Hunnicutt.
Uh, clean-cut, family man,
even temperament.
In spite of that,
I really like the guy.
Tell me,
who's the most devoted
family man in the world?
Mickey Rooney.
Who gets an A in fidelity?
-RCA Victor.
-No. You, both times.
Oh.
So how come she turns down
a date with Dr. Jekyll
to go work in the lab
with Mr. Hyde?
She's helping mewith some cases.
I could use a little of
that kind of help myself.
Hawk--
Are you sure there's
nothing going on
-between you two kids?
-Honest.
A little hanky-panky
after taps?
I'm happily married!
Oh, yeah?
I'm hopelessly, passionatelyin love with my wife.
What's wrong with that?
I don't want to mess that up.
I feel like
I've betrayed her.
We're still human beings,you know,
no matter how hardwe try not to be.
Yes, I know,
and I'm still afraid.
Of what?
Of you.
Because you're right here.
And you're so attractiveand so close.
And so vulnerable.
Yes.
We can be friends.
Okay.
Let's go back
to work, friend.
And then, of course,
there's Major Winchester,our newest arrival.
Someone should saysomething nice about him.
Uh...
H-He's a very good doctor.
What's so great about him?
I do one thing at a time,
I do it very well,
and then I move on.
Gentlemen, please,
pay close attentionto this bowel resection.
I don't want to haveto show it to you twice.
[chuckle]
I'm not gonna playsecond scalpel
to this garbanzo forthe rest of the war.
Why don't we avoid
the Christmas rush
and start hating him now?
Sir, I have been here
interminably.
Time flies whenyou've got good duty.
This meatball
surgery of yours
is causing my skills
to deteriorate!
They're wasting away.
Don't change the color
of your face!
I'm out of umber!
And I'm out of patience!
This place is driving me mad!
I've had enough
of your beefing!
I need you here, and you'llstay here like the rest of us.
Here. Your face is finished.
You can cut me offfrom the civilized world.
You can incarcerate mewith two moronic cell mates.
You can torture mewith your thrice-daily swill.
But you cannot breakthe spirit of a Winchester.
My voice shall be heard
from this wilderness
and I shall be delivered
from this fetid
and festering sewer.
I think he's gettingthe hang of this place.
Tell me something
about the people here.
No, I don't want to getinto personalities, uh, here.
However,there are some people
that I will tryvery hard to forget.
Of course,I know I never shall.
One in particularwho is, you might say,
well, let's start with immature,self-righteous, arrogant,
everything I abhor.
For the record,
the only thing that makes himmarginally acceptable
is his skill as a surgeon.
Of course, even in therehis conduct is insufferable.
Good evening,
ladies and germs.
I'm sorry I'm late,
but my watch stopped.
It had to. It's been
running fast all week.
[laughing]
Is this the first time
you've been pregnant?
Nurse! Nurse!
Did you call me,
Doctor?
Why should I call youDoctor? I'm the surgeon.
I will not carry a gun, Frank.
When I got into this war,
I had a very
clear understanding
with the Pentagon:
no guns.
[scoffs]
I'll carry your books,
I'll carry a torch,
I'll carry a tune.
I'll carry on,carry over, carry forward,
Cary Grant, cash-and-carry,"Carry Me Back to Old Virginia,"
I'll even hara-kiri
if you show me how,
but I will not carry a gun.
Boy, you reallyare a sicko! Mental.
Wouldn't you be,Lieutenant Nightingale?
It goes against
my training to say
"Take two aspirinand go get yourself killed."
What would Hippocrates say?
What would Socrates say?
And what would you say
if I asked you
if you wanted to go
into the linen closet
for several minutes
of heavy breathing?
-Are you gonna knock it off?-Nurse.
Pull down my mask.
-Frank?
-Hmm?
Thank you.
Our head nurse
is really something.
Uh, Major Houlihan.
Margaret.
Did I mentionshe's really something?
Major Houlihan.
Sir!
-Chief Nurse.
-Yes, sir.
-Ten years, spotless record.-Thank you, sir.
Major Frank Burns.
Just friends, sir.
Flare your nostrils
for me, Frank.
I get so excited
when you flare them.
Margaret, I get so excitedwhen you say "excited."
[laughs]
Funny thing, war.
Never have so manysuffered so much
so so few could be so happy.
Frank, we're so lucky
to be two of the few
and not the many.
I know, darling,and I love being both of us.
Oh, Frank,
you're so above average.
Frank, be honest.
You really think of me asa bag of desirable bones.
Oh, of course, Margaret.
I have a mind, Frank.
A mind and a brain.
Of course you do.
Let me kiss your brain.
Frank, leave.
Take your face and--
your married face and get out!
Avec plaisir,
Miss Snake-in-the-Grass!
Oh! You should talk,you two-timing four-flusher!
-Oh, Frank!
-Oh, Margaret!
Did I mentionshe's really something?
-You do me.
-Roll up your sleeve.
-Uh-uh.-What do you mean, "Uh-uh"?
I want mine in my tushy.
-Your what?
-Derriere!
The back of my front.
The fleshy part.
Sir--
Excuse me. I'm sorry!
[laughing]
Aaah!
[laughs]Margaret, that was fantastic!
Let's get it over with.
My sentiments exactly.
Let us not dawdle overa moment like this.
Let us treat itas a professionalencounter of the most--
Oh, Margaret, may Ipause on this occasion
-to express a few thoughts?-If you say one word--
Oh, I wouldn't.I wouldn't. Not a word.
But if I did, that wordwould be "magnificent."
Would that be bad?
Will you please
give me the shot!
Okay, okay.
[screams]
Stop it! Stop it!
You don't know whether
we're Americans
or Chinese or Koreans!
Margaret, come here.
I'm sorry. I'm afraid.
Me too. So am I.
I don't like being afraid.
It scares me.
Me too. I'd feel a lot braverif I weren't so scared.
-Please hold me.
-I'm holding you.
I can't feel it.
Hold me. Hold me.
Margaret, I'm holding you.
Will you cut it out!You want to kill us?
-For crying out loud,
cut it out!
-Stop it. Stop it!
-Stop it! Just leave us alone!-Will you cut it out!
You know all those rottenthings I've said to you?
All those nasty littletricks I played on you?
Yes.
I'd like to get welland do them all over again.
[theme music playing]