M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 24 - Ain't Love Grand - full transcript
While B.J. and Hawkeye snipe at each other, Klinger romances a nurse and Winchester romances a Korean working girl.
[theme music playing]
Ohh. 23 hours of O.R.
So? 23 hours. It's not likewe were in there all day.
I feel like
Dorian Gray's picture.
Does anyone mind if Irelax to some Beethoven?
-Yes, I'm sick of him.
-Not tonight.
-All rightie,
since you insist.
-[music playing]
Well, at least he hadthe decency to ask.
My body is so tired,
it's suing me for
running a sweatshop.
Why am I wide awake?
Shh.
I know.
Perhaps a brisk walk.
Again? How am Isupposed to get any sleep
with you climbing
the furniture all the time?
It helps me unwind.
I picked this up from Truman.
He does it all around
the Oval Office
whenever they're
shampooing the rug.
I am living in a giant crib.
Damn it!
I can't get my mind off
that baby-faced corporal.
Six hours rebuilding
his only kidney.
I'll bet I didn't
do him any good at all.
Beej, don't agonize.You did the best you could.
Now it's up tothe boys in Taegu.
I'm gonna go over
to Radar's office
and make a call,
see if they've got him on thatnew dialysis machine yet.
Relax, will you?
He just got there.
-Give 'em some time.
-Will you climb down
before I getthe flyswatter?
A man can't even roamthe walls of his own castle!
Charles, I was
in here last night.
I saw that new
surgical journal.
-Anything on urology?
-Hey. Clean socks.
-Aha!
-That's it! Finito!
Get back! Back!I am sick of both of you!
We've been cooped uptogether for a month.
O.R. to mess tent to here.O.R. to mess tent to here.
-Charles, are you mad at us?-[screams]
Shut up, Beethove, ya hack!
[record scratches]
Boy, this is serious.
Turning on his only friend.
You know what we need?
We need to get thrown
out of Rosie's bar.
Ah.
Have a few thousand
drinks,
propose
to a girl or two.
Staring into a pair
of soft eyes
wouldn't do you a bit
of harm, Charles.
Not to mention what
it would do for me.
All right,I believe I will.
-Ah.
-Okay.
If you two stay here!
Fine. You need a binge
more than we do.
-Go.
-Go.
-Flatten a marine for us.-Gentlemen.
Well, now it's just
you and me...
again.
[screams]
♪ Hate South Korea
♪ It's cold, and it's damp
♪ That's why
the lady is a tramp ♪
Bomp bomp!
Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
You're a great group.
Rosie, uh, the pipes are dry.
Free drinks on the house
if you don't sing anymore.
Ah.
No wonder Sophie Tuckernever plays this room.
Do you mind
if I join you?
Oh, you got an affairyou want me to sing at, right?
I-I couldn't helpbut notice something.
You're wearing a dress.
I made it.
Why shouldn't I wear it?
[chuckles] Oh.Oh, you are really a gas.
Corporal Max Klinger,
Section 8, First Class.
Lieutenant Deborah Clark,8063rd MASH. Call me Debbie.
Debbie. That's a very
exotic handle.
Hey, how'd you like me
to take you to Paris?
-Really?
-Sure.
I'll just ask the colonel
for a six-month pass.
-Ohh.
-Don't laugh.
It'll be the most reasonablerequest I've ever made.
You know, this maybe kind of sudden,
you being in women'sclothes and all,
but I think I'm in love.
Hey, wait till you
get to know me.
[chatter]
The joint is jumpin' now.What are you drinking, big boy?
Do you have a wine... list?
Huh? Lucky we have wine.
All right.
Bring me your finest.
Comin' up.
Bottle of seedless red
for number 5.
Dandy.
Can I... help you?
Want to buy me a burger?
Beg pardon?
Usually I ask for a drink,but I'm starved.
Ah. Oh, I see.
I buy you a burger,
then we dance,
then we drink,
then we go over
to your modest little
place for a nightcap.
Oh, we can skip the dancing,but I can sure use the burger.
Sorry, Miss, uh, uh...
Wimpy, but I'm not in need
of someone like...
Well, that is to say,
I'm not looking for--
Thanks, but no thanks.
Come on.Don't be a fuddy-duddy.
[chuckles]
Here's a dollar.
Buy yourself that burger.
All the way.
Thanks, Joe.
Hey, listen, it's up to you.
The nights around hereare very long.
It helpsto have some company.
Burger.
Let it breathe
for a while.
[chatter]
Shall we dance?
Well, I thought
you were gonna sleep
through the whole morning.
-It's 6:30 already.
-I know.
You stopped snoring at 6:00.
Charles never made it backlast night, huh?
No, and I'd be happy for himif I wasn't so jealous.
At least one of uswas with somebodyinteresting for a change.
Well!
I must have read throughthis thing a hundred times.
A hundred and five.
I should have spent more timechecking that renal artery.
Will you cut it out?
Compulsive obsessive,
that's what you are.
Hamlet was a pile of
giggles compared to you.
Every time you have
a borderline case,
you go through this.
Close him up already.
I'm concerned. Do you mind?
-Yes.
-Why?
Because you're
driving me crazy.
I'm obsessive?
Did you ever watch yourselfbrush your teeth?
What?
Each tooth,up and down, 10 times.
-Same rhythm, 10 times.-How do you know?
I watch you do it everymorning and every night.
Can't you go across once?Just once?
I was taught to brush
my teeth this way.
-Boy. No wonderCharles can't stand you.-[knock on door]
Good morning, sirs.
The sun is up, and it'sa hap-hap-happy day.
No admittance without
a cloud over your head.
Feast your eyeson a hap-hap-happy man.
Knock-knock-knock it off,Klinger.
She thinks I'm outrageous.
She thinks I'm unique.
-She likes me.
-She who?
Nurse Clark over at
the 8063rd. Debbie.
Who'd ever think a kidfrom the streets of Toledo
would wind up meeting
a girl named Debbie?
Could be love, gents.
Oh, I almost forgot.You got a message from Taegu.
Doesn't sound like that guy
on the kidney machine
is in too good a shape.
Damn. He's bleedingfrom the shunt.
I knew with all thosetransfusions
there'd beclotting problems.
-Here we go again.-Good morning, gentlemen.
Max.
You're a little late
for curfew, Charles.
Hey, Major,
that was some hot dish
I saw you with last night.
-Whoo!-You were with a dish, Klinger.
-I was with a lady.
-Of the evening.
Ohh, you rascal, spendingyour allowance like that.
[chuckles]Out of the gutter, Pierce.
Sooni,
the charming woman
with whom you saw me
last night,
happens to be a member
of one of Korea's oldest
and most aristocratic
families.
Whatever you say, Major.Whoo!
Charles, what is sotough about admitting
you went outand had a good time?
We couldn't think any lessof you than we already do.
Pierce,
do I seem the sort
that would associate
with a common trollop?
Before you speak
your gamy mind,
the answer is no.
I'm just worried,that's all.
You might not begood enough for her.
[chuckles]
Max, old man,
what are the chances
of my browsing through
your dress collection?
Major, if the cause is love,
you can have anything
you want--wholesale.
Max, you are
a gentleman
and a lady.
Come on.
-Ah.
-Two peas in a pod.
Will you put that down?
Why don't you buzz off?
I'd love to.
Where am I gonna go?
Ah, good evening, sirs.
Let me say just
two words: meat loaf.
Very tempting. I sampleda piece myself this evening,
and you'll notice
I'm still vertical.
Is he wearinga Class A uniform?
Let's see. Ugly color,
40 years out of style,
fits like a tent.
Yeah, that's
a Class A, all right.
Excuse the deviation, Colonel,
but I have a little
rendezvous later,
and we promised each otherto dress in something kinky.
Klinger, I takemy hat off to ya.
You're always comin' upwith another loony tune.
Ha ha ha!A Class A uniform.
Sooni, you look ravishing.
I don't like this dress.With all these buttons,
it take foreverto get out of it.
Let's save that talk
for home, shall we?
You sure are a bashful bozo.
Hey, you got good eats here.Thanks for bringing me.
Don't thank me.
It was your idea.
Pudding on meat loaf.
[chuckles]
-Charming.
-Mmm.
Sooni, look.
This is the way
you hold your fork, eh?
That's the wayyou hold your fork.
I hold mine like this.
Oh. [chuckles]
-Hi there.
-Hello.
Fun day in post-op?
Mm-hmm. Loving
every minute of it.
What time do you
relieve me?
9:00.
Good.
I can use the sleep.
Mm-hmm.
Do you have to do that?
What is it now?
Sniffing your food
like a stray dog.
It's more disgusting
than the food itself.
Oh, it annoys you, huh?
No, it makes me sick.
It's all the same food.
You've eaten it a hundred
thousand times already.
Why do you insist
on smelling it?
Because it's a littlehabit I can't break.
Mmm.
Kind of like the wayyou constantly comb
your cheesy-lookingmustache.
Ah, sure, that's you.
A little constructive
criticism,
right away you go
for a man's upper lip.
Let me tell yousomething, Mr. Clean.
It's no fun livingwith you night and day
because you, bunky,are one solid 6-foot mass
of annoying, hair-curlinglittle habits.
-Oh?
-There's one.
[chuckles]That's my favorite.
The "Gosh,you're so amusing" smirk.
It drives me up a wall.
Does it?
Yeah.
Just be in post-op
at 9:00, Fido.
[growls]
Spin and win. Spin and win.
[woman laughing]
Everyone benefits
when we play bingo.
Uh, N-42.
-MAN: I got it.
-Nazareth.
-Nazareth 42.
-Is N-45 close enough?
Nothing like a relaxinggame of bingo
to frustratethe bejeebers out of you.
Oh, Colonel, this was
a wonderful idea.
After all we've gone
through in O.R. lately,
it's good to have
something competitive
to break the tension.
Oh, clam it, Margaret.You've won every game.
Yes, I have.
I'd like to remind everyone
to stick around
for the jackpot game.
First one to get their numbersin the sign of a cross
wins a cash bonanza.
I'm glued to my chair.
-Next number. L-19.
-L-19.
-Isaiah 19.
-POTTER: Aw, poop.
Wait a minute.I got it, I got it.
Okay, Margaret,
I'm breathing down
your alabaster neck.
-Excuse me. It's 9:30.
-Oh, yeah. Right.
I just need
one more number.
Give me a second.
Let's go, Father.
I wouldn't wantto take you away
from anythingas important as this.
You might wina dollar and a half.
G-57. Huh.
Let's see.Who haven't we used yet?
-Oh, Gabriel. Gabriel 57.
-ALL: [murmuring]
It's two dollars.
And what's the difference?
Could you two hold it down?I can't hear myself losing.
You're so damn competitive,
you can't walk outon a penny-ante bingo game.
All right, that's it.
I've had it with you.
I don't walk right.
I don't eat right.
I don't even brush
my teeth right.
Well, excuse me
for living, pal.
G-52.
Uh... Oh, no.
We can't use Him.
Uh... Gosh 52.
I wish I could find a miserableexistence somewhere else,
preferably without you.
Let me save you
the trouble.
I've been living
with you long enough.
I'm moving out.
The sooner the better,friend.
Shh!
-Fine!
-Fine.
-B-4.
-MARGARET: Bingo!
Ah, for cryin' out loud!
Here we are.
-Hey, this is not bad.
-[chuckles]
Let's just sayit beats your alternative.
My what?
The back of the truck.
Oh, how I wish
we were in Tokyo
where we could
have some privacy.
What's the problem?
We can just grab a couple ofblankets and--
Sooni, please,don't kill the moment.
You're with me now.Your past is behind you.
Okay, it's your dime,
poopsy.
Poop--
Have you ever heardTchaikovsky?
Yeah, I think I heard it
at Rosie's bar.
[laughs]I'm sure you didn't.
This isthe Serenade for Stringsin C Major, opus 48.
Such stuff as dreamsare made on.
[music playing]
[humming]
Isn't that beautiful?
Eh.
Oh, listen
to the sweet anguish
in this music,
the yearning.
Hey, you keepany C rations here?
I can sure go forsome franks and beans.
Sooni, please listen
to the music.
It would mean so much to me
if we could share this.
Can I get out ofthis dumb dress?
Five minutes, please.
When are we gonna have a fewlaughs? I'm getting bored.
Getting bored?
Oh, if only you weren't
so incredibly lovely.
Here we are: a one-roomsuite for the sweet.
DEBBIE: Wait a minute.
What's that music?
-"Holiday for Strings."-Serenade for St--
Who's here? Hello?
Hello.
Oh, Major.
Don't you know about
putting the clothes
hanger on the door?
We've been using that
signal for years.
Hey, what is this?
We are here first.
Just leaving, Klinger.
No, no, no, Major.We can go somewhere else.
Yeah, the truck
outside's good.
Come, my little lotus blossom.
Wait a minute.
You gonna let this
monkey push you around?
-Pull rank on him.
-Let's go. [murmurs]
Nice meeting you,Miss Lotus Blossom.
By the way, Klinger,
Sooni just loves
the dress.
I do not.
How's it sound, Doc?
-Doc?
-Huh?
Oh, your heart sounds great.
Add a clarinet and a bass,
you could, uh,
play bar mitzvahs.
-Something eating you?
-No, I'm fine.
Really, I'm okay.
It's something between
my bunkmate and me.
That stinker.
Boy, you can live
right next to a guy
and still not know him.
He's the most compulsiveperson I ever met,
and he doesn't likethe way I brush my teeth.
-Hey, doc.
-What?
Oh. Sorry.
[air hissing]
Your pressure's fine.Maybe you should check mine.
-Maybe you should
get a little rest.
-Thanks, Doc.
Hey, uh, Able.Is Radar back from R&R yet?
Not till Thursday.
All right, if you need me,I'll be living in his office.
Aw, Hawkeye, why don't youjust go back to the Swamp?
Too crowded.
You know, it's just
like in the movies.
Two star-crossed lovers
alone at night.
A shimmering moon,
a gentle breeze...
The pungent aroma
of a cheap cigar.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Debbie. My Debbie.
It's a miracle.
For the past 24 hours,
I've been happy.
Deliriously happy.
And here.
Before yesterday,
I was just another
guy in a dress,
and now
I'm Prince Charming
and John Agar
all rolled into one.
Oh.
I'd like to have those lips
on a little charm bracelet.
Oh, Max.
You say the strangest things.
Whenever I look at you,
one thought keeps
racing through my mind.
-Good.
-Toledo.
-Huh?
-Yeah. Toledo, Ohio.
I'm gonna make it
back there.
I know that now.
Debbie,
I got a lot of plans.
I'm gonna take my G.I. Bill
and learn a trade.
And if that doesn't work,
my uncle Ahmed can alwaysbuy me a job at City Hall.
-And then you know
what I'm gonna do?
-What?
I'm gonna buy the house
where I was born
and live there
the rest of my life.
Sounds swell, Max.
1215 Michigan Street.
That'll be our address.
I beg your pardon?
Just Debbie and me
and baby makes three.
Oh, whoa. No.
Oh, wrong song, Max.You're jumpin' the gun here.
I mean, it's--it's fun being with you.
No. You're a real kick,
but, uh, I'm not interestedin a lifetime.
I don't understand.
I thought
we had something here.
We do. We have now.
That's it?
That's an awful lotin a place like this.
-But I thought...
-Max...
little blue heavens and picketfences may be your dreams,
but it's not mine.
Oh.
I get it.
We were having
such a good time,
I didn't know
it was just a good time.
Well, it still can be.
Nah.
I'm not that kind of a guy.
-[chattering]
-"She walks in beauty,
"like the night of cloudlessclimes and starry skies,
"and all that's bestof dark and bright
meet in her aspectand her eyes."
Well, my dear,what do you think of it?
The meat is stale,
and the bun is burned.
Boy, that Rosie
get away with murder.
The poem. I was talkingabout the poem.
Talk, talk. All talk.
I want some action.
I have so much to give.
Why can't you justpay attention?
What you got to give
I can get
from a sleeping pill.
Sooni, if we'regoing to be together,
you've got to do some thingsthat I like to do.
Now, one more poem.
Forget it, skinhead.
-I insist.
-You insist nothing.
I've had it with you.
You are too weird.
Now, Sooni--
I'm not gonna do any more ofthe crazy things with you.
Will you loweryour voice, please?
Why do you
have to make me
into some kind
of high-class broad?
I only wanted to enrich you,give you something special.
What? Lousy music and poetry?
Go rhyme yourself.I'm just a working girl.
If I pull that stuff on someG.I., I'm out on my butt.
Wait, Sooni, please stay.
I'll... leave you alone.
No, Charlie.
I will leave you alone.
S--
You better off.
Ah? Really?
So is she.
[phone ringing]
[groans]
Hello. MASH4-O-something-something...
and you got a lot of nerve
calling in the middle
of the night.
All right, all right.
What's the story?
Ah.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
What? Really?
That's great.
[cackles]
That's good.
No, no, no. I'll do it.I'll do it. No problem.
Hey, listen,
thanks for calling.
[cackling]
Hey, Beej, wake up!Hey, hey! Wake up! Beej!
What? What?
Oh, it's you.
Whatever you want,
take it. It's yours.
I got news.Dateline: Taegu.
Your kidney patientis off the machine,
and he's responding.
You're kidding.
You mean it?
I just got a callfrom Cohen the specialist.
He says it's too earlyto tell for sure,
but he thinkshe's gonna be okay.
-Yeah? Yeah?
-Yeah! Yeah!
Oh! We did it!
We did it!
-I knew it!
He's gonna make it!
-You see?
I told you!
You were worried.
Oh, Hawkeye!
Am I the greatestsurgeon in Korea?
In the world!
Ohh, Hawk! He made it!
-Yeah, I heard. [laughing]-[laughing]
Oh.
Hey, listen,
this doesn't seem right
for two guys
who hate each other
as much as we do.
Look, you might as wellmove back in,
especially since we'll becelebrating for a month.
A month?
Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no.
I think your walking
on the furniture's
liable to drive me nuts.
I can't help it.It's one of my problems.
-Hey.
-[laughing]
-Congratulations.
-Come on. I can't
stand you sober.
Oh, darling.
I missed you too.
Gentlemen, may I haveyour attention, please?
I am home early.
-Why is none of your business.-[glasses clinking]
So, before you ask, don't.
Gee, I've enjoyed
our little chat.
Good night.
B.J.:She threw you over, huh?
Over and out.
This evening, I learned,much to my chagrin,
that Sooni is nothing
more than a...
a camp follower.
Well, don't be hasty,Charles.
Fifth impressionscan deceive you.
I was only deceiving myself.
How could I have been
so blind and stupid?
-And human.
-Touché.
Charles,
you needed somebody.
We all do occasionally.
It wasn't
such a big mistake.
Come on, Charles.
Join the rest of us fools.
It is better to have
loved and lost
than never to have--
Oh, give me a drink.
Heyo.
[drunkenly] ♪ Since my gal and I ain't together ♪
♪ Keeps raining all the time ♪
There ought to be
a cover in here,
and he ought to be under it.
It's a good thing
we're numb already.
Oh, what a beating.
-[chuckles]
-Rosie.
-[singing continues]
-A beating?
-Yeah.-I think it's beautiful.
-[scoffs]
-I do.
♪ All I do is rain a lot...
Gentlemen, excuse me.
Don't go yet, Charles.
It'll be over soon.
♪ ...sun once more
♪ Can't go on
♪ Everything I have is gone
♪ Stormy weather...
[theme music playing]
Ohh. 23 hours of O.R.
So? 23 hours. It's not likewe were in there all day.
I feel like
Dorian Gray's picture.
Does anyone mind if Irelax to some Beethoven?
-Yes, I'm sick of him.
-Not tonight.
-All rightie,
since you insist.
-[music playing]
Well, at least he hadthe decency to ask.
My body is so tired,
it's suing me for
running a sweatshop.
Why am I wide awake?
Shh.
I know.
Perhaps a brisk walk.
Again? How am Isupposed to get any sleep
with you climbing
the furniture all the time?
It helps me unwind.
I picked this up from Truman.
He does it all around
the Oval Office
whenever they're
shampooing the rug.
I am living in a giant crib.
Damn it!
I can't get my mind off
that baby-faced corporal.
Six hours rebuilding
his only kidney.
I'll bet I didn't
do him any good at all.
Beej, don't agonize.You did the best you could.
Now it's up tothe boys in Taegu.
I'm gonna go over
to Radar's office
and make a call,
see if they've got him on thatnew dialysis machine yet.
Relax, will you?
He just got there.
-Give 'em some time.
-Will you climb down
before I getthe flyswatter?
A man can't even roamthe walls of his own castle!
Charles, I was
in here last night.
I saw that new
surgical journal.
-Anything on urology?
-Hey. Clean socks.
-Aha!
-That's it! Finito!
Get back! Back!I am sick of both of you!
We've been cooped uptogether for a month.
O.R. to mess tent to here.O.R. to mess tent to here.
-Charles, are you mad at us?-[screams]
Shut up, Beethove, ya hack!
[record scratches]
Boy, this is serious.
Turning on his only friend.
You know what we need?
We need to get thrown
out of Rosie's bar.
Ah.
Have a few thousand
drinks,
propose
to a girl or two.
Staring into a pair
of soft eyes
wouldn't do you a bit
of harm, Charles.
Not to mention what
it would do for me.
All right,I believe I will.
-Ah.
-Okay.
If you two stay here!
Fine. You need a binge
more than we do.
-Go.
-Go.
-Flatten a marine for us.-Gentlemen.
Well, now it's just
you and me...
again.
[screams]
♪ Hate South Korea
♪ It's cold, and it's damp
♪ That's why
the lady is a tramp ♪
Bomp bomp!
Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
You're a great group.
Rosie, uh, the pipes are dry.
Free drinks on the house
if you don't sing anymore.
Ah.
No wonder Sophie Tuckernever plays this room.
Do you mind
if I join you?
Oh, you got an affairyou want me to sing at, right?
I-I couldn't helpbut notice something.
You're wearing a dress.
I made it.
Why shouldn't I wear it?
[chuckles] Oh.Oh, you are really a gas.
Corporal Max Klinger,
Section 8, First Class.
Lieutenant Deborah Clark,8063rd MASH. Call me Debbie.
Debbie. That's a very
exotic handle.
Hey, how'd you like me
to take you to Paris?
-Really?
-Sure.
I'll just ask the colonel
for a six-month pass.
-Ohh.
-Don't laugh.
It'll be the most reasonablerequest I've ever made.
You know, this maybe kind of sudden,
you being in women'sclothes and all,
but I think I'm in love.
Hey, wait till you
get to know me.
[chatter]
The joint is jumpin' now.What are you drinking, big boy?
Do you have a wine... list?
Huh? Lucky we have wine.
All right.
Bring me your finest.
Comin' up.
Bottle of seedless red
for number 5.
Dandy.
Can I... help you?
Want to buy me a burger?
Beg pardon?
Usually I ask for a drink,but I'm starved.
Ah. Oh, I see.
I buy you a burger,
then we dance,
then we drink,
then we go over
to your modest little
place for a nightcap.
Oh, we can skip the dancing,but I can sure use the burger.
Sorry, Miss, uh, uh...
Wimpy, but I'm not in need
of someone like...
Well, that is to say,
I'm not looking for--
Thanks, but no thanks.
Come on.Don't be a fuddy-duddy.
[chuckles]
Here's a dollar.
Buy yourself that burger.
All the way.
Thanks, Joe.
Hey, listen, it's up to you.
The nights around hereare very long.
It helpsto have some company.
Burger.
Let it breathe
for a while.
[chatter]
Shall we dance?
Well, I thought
you were gonna sleep
through the whole morning.
-It's 6:30 already.
-I know.
You stopped snoring at 6:00.
Charles never made it backlast night, huh?
No, and I'd be happy for himif I wasn't so jealous.
At least one of uswas with somebodyinteresting for a change.
Well!
I must have read throughthis thing a hundred times.
A hundred and five.
I should have spent more timechecking that renal artery.
Will you cut it out?
Compulsive obsessive,
that's what you are.
Hamlet was a pile of
giggles compared to you.
Every time you have
a borderline case,
you go through this.
Close him up already.
I'm concerned. Do you mind?
-Yes.
-Why?
Because you're
driving me crazy.
I'm obsessive?
Did you ever watch yourselfbrush your teeth?
What?
Each tooth,up and down, 10 times.
-Same rhythm, 10 times.-How do you know?
I watch you do it everymorning and every night.
Can't you go across once?Just once?
I was taught to brush
my teeth this way.
-Boy. No wonderCharles can't stand you.-[knock on door]
Good morning, sirs.
The sun is up, and it'sa hap-hap-happy day.
No admittance without
a cloud over your head.
Feast your eyeson a hap-hap-happy man.
Knock-knock-knock it off,Klinger.
She thinks I'm outrageous.
She thinks I'm unique.
-She likes me.
-She who?
Nurse Clark over at
the 8063rd. Debbie.
Who'd ever think a kidfrom the streets of Toledo
would wind up meeting
a girl named Debbie?
Could be love, gents.
Oh, I almost forgot.You got a message from Taegu.
Doesn't sound like that guy
on the kidney machine
is in too good a shape.
Damn. He's bleedingfrom the shunt.
I knew with all thosetransfusions
there'd beclotting problems.
-Here we go again.-Good morning, gentlemen.
Max.
You're a little late
for curfew, Charles.
Hey, Major,
that was some hot dish
I saw you with last night.
-Whoo!-You were with a dish, Klinger.
-I was with a lady.
-Of the evening.
Ohh, you rascal, spendingyour allowance like that.
[chuckles]Out of the gutter, Pierce.
Sooni,
the charming woman
with whom you saw me
last night,
happens to be a member
of one of Korea's oldest
and most aristocratic
families.
Whatever you say, Major.Whoo!
Charles, what is sotough about admitting
you went outand had a good time?
We couldn't think any lessof you than we already do.
Pierce,
do I seem the sort
that would associate
with a common trollop?
Before you speak
your gamy mind,
the answer is no.
I'm just worried,that's all.
You might not begood enough for her.
[chuckles]
Max, old man,
what are the chances
of my browsing through
your dress collection?
Major, if the cause is love,
you can have anything
you want--wholesale.
Max, you are
a gentleman
and a lady.
Come on.
-Ah.
-Two peas in a pod.
Will you put that down?
Why don't you buzz off?
I'd love to.
Where am I gonna go?
Ah, good evening, sirs.
Let me say just
two words: meat loaf.
Very tempting. I sampleda piece myself this evening,
and you'll notice
I'm still vertical.
Is he wearinga Class A uniform?
Let's see. Ugly color,
40 years out of style,
fits like a tent.
Yeah, that's
a Class A, all right.
Excuse the deviation, Colonel,
but I have a little
rendezvous later,
and we promised each otherto dress in something kinky.
Klinger, I takemy hat off to ya.
You're always comin' upwith another loony tune.
Ha ha ha!A Class A uniform.
Sooni, you look ravishing.
I don't like this dress.With all these buttons,
it take foreverto get out of it.
Let's save that talk
for home, shall we?
You sure are a bashful bozo.
Hey, you got good eats here.Thanks for bringing me.
Don't thank me.
It was your idea.
Pudding on meat loaf.
[chuckles]
-Charming.
-Mmm.
Sooni, look.
This is the way
you hold your fork, eh?
That's the wayyou hold your fork.
I hold mine like this.
Oh. [chuckles]
-Hi there.
-Hello.
Fun day in post-op?
Mm-hmm. Loving
every minute of it.
What time do you
relieve me?
9:00.
Good.
I can use the sleep.
Mm-hmm.
Do you have to do that?
What is it now?
Sniffing your food
like a stray dog.
It's more disgusting
than the food itself.
Oh, it annoys you, huh?
No, it makes me sick.
It's all the same food.
You've eaten it a hundred
thousand times already.
Why do you insist
on smelling it?
Because it's a littlehabit I can't break.
Mmm.
Kind of like the wayyou constantly comb
your cheesy-lookingmustache.
Ah, sure, that's you.
A little constructive
criticism,
right away you go
for a man's upper lip.
Let me tell yousomething, Mr. Clean.
It's no fun livingwith you night and day
because you, bunky,are one solid 6-foot mass
of annoying, hair-curlinglittle habits.
-Oh?
-There's one.
[chuckles]That's my favorite.
The "Gosh,you're so amusing" smirk.
It drives me up a wall.
Does it?
Yeah.
Just be in post-op
at 9:00, Fido.
[growls]
Spin and win. Spin and win.
[woman laughing]
Everyone benefits
when we play bingo.
Uh, N-42.
-MAN: I got it.
-Nazareth.
-Nazareth 42.
-Is N-45 close enough?
Nothing like a relaxinggame of bingo
to frustratethe bejeebers out of you.
Oh, Colonel, this was
a wonderful idea.
After all we've gone
through in O.R. lately,
it's good to have
something competitive
to break the tension.
Oh, clam it, Margaret.You've won every game.
Yes, I have.
I'd like to remind everyone
to stick around
for the jackpot game.
First one to get their numbersin the sign of a cross
wins a cash bonanza.
I'm glued to my chair.
-Next number. L-19.
-L-19.
-Isaiah 19.
-POTTER: Aw, poop.
Wait a minute.I got it, I got it.
Okay, Margaret,
I'm breathing down
your alabaster neck.
-Excuse me. It's 9:30.
-Oh, yeah. Right.
I just need
one more number.
Give me a second.
Let's go, Father.
I wouldn't wantto take you away
from anythingas important as this.
You might wina dollar and a half.
G-57. Huh.
Let's see.Who haven't we used yet?
-Oh, Gabriel. Gabriel 57.
-ALL: [murmuring]
It's two dollars.
And what's the difference?
Could you two hold it down?I can't hear myself losing.
You're so damn competitive,
you can't walk outon a penny-ante bingo game.
All right, that's it.
I've had it with you.
I don't walk right.
I don't eat right.
I don't even brush
my teeth right.
Well, excuse me
for living, pal.
G-52.
Uh... Oh, no.
We can't use Him.
Uh... Gosh 52.
I wish I could find a miserableexistence somewhere else,
preferably without you.
Let me save you
the trouble.
I've been living
with you long enough.
I'm moving out.
The sooner the better,friend.
Shh!
-Fine!
-Fine.
-B-4.
-MARGARET: Bingo!
Ah, for cryin' out loud!
Here we are.
-Hey, this is not bad.
-[chuckles]
Let's just sayit beats your alternative.
My what?
The back of the truck.
Oh, how I wish
we were in Tokyo
where we could
have some privacy.
What's the problem?
We can just grab a couple ofblankets and--
Sooni, please,don't kill the moment.
You're with me now.Your past is behind you.
Okay, it's your dime,
poopsy.
Poop--
Have you ever heardTchaikovsky?
Yeah, I think I heard it
at Rosie's bar.
[laughs]I'm sure you didn't.
This isthe Serenade for Stringsin C Major, opus 48.
Such stuff as dreamsare made on.
[music playing]
[humming]
Isn't that beautiful?
Eh.
Oh, listen
to the sweet anguish
in this music,
the yearning.
Hey, you keepany C rations here?
I can sure go forsome franks and beans.
Sooni, please listen
to the music.
It would mean so much to me
if we could share this.
Can I get out ofthis dumb dress?
Five minutes, please.
When are we gonna have a fewlaughs? I'm getting bored.
Getting bored?
Oh, if only you weren't
so incredibly lovely.
Here we are: a one-roomsuite for the sweet.
DEBBIE: Wait a minute.
What's that music?
-"Holiday for Strings."-Serenade for St--
Who's here? Hello?
Hello.
Oh, Major.
Don't you know about
putting the clothes
hanger on the door?
We've been using that
signal for years.
Hey, what is this?
We are here first.
Just leaving, Klinger.
No, no, no, Major.We can go somewhere else.
Yeah, the truck
outside's good.
Come, my little lotus blossom.
Wait a minute.
You gonna let this
monkey push you around?
-Pull rank on him.
-Let's go. [murmurs]
Nice meeting you,Miss Lotus Blossom.
By the way, Klinger,
Sooni just loves
the dress.
I do not.
How's it sound, Doc?
-Doc?
-Huh?
Oh, your heart sounds great.
Add a clarinet and a bass,
you could, uh,
play bar mitzvahs.
-Something eating you?
-No, I'm fine.
Really, I'm okay.
It's something between
my bunkmate and me.
That stinker.
Boy, you can live
right next to a guy
and still not know him.
He's the most compulsiveperson I ever met,
and he doesn't likethe way I brush my teeth.
-Hey, doc.
-What?
Oh. Sorry.
[air hissing]
Your pressure's fine.Maybe you should check mine.
-Maybe you should
get a little rest.
-Thanks, Doc.
Hey, uh, Able.Is Radar back from R&R yet?
Not till Thursday.
All right, if you need me,I'll be living in his office.
Aw, Hawkeye, why don't youjust go back to the Swamp?
Too crowded.
You know, it's just
like in the movies.
Two star-crossed lovers
alone at night.
A shimmering moon,
a gentle breeze...
The pungent aroma
of a cheap cigar.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Debbie. My Debbie.
It's a miracle.
For the past 24 hours,
I've been happy.
Deliriously happy.
And here.
Before yesterday,
I was just another
guy in a dress,
and now
I'm Prince Charming
and John Agar
all rolled into one.
Oh.
I'd like to have those lips
on a little charm bracelet.
Oh, Max.
You say the strangest things.
Whenever I look at you,
one thought keeps
racing through my mind.
-Good.
-Toledo.
-Huh?
-Yeah. Toledo, Ohio.
I'm gonna make it
back there.
I know that now.
Debbie,
I got a lot of plans.
I'm gonna take my G.I. Bill
and learn a trade.
And if that doesn't work,
my uncle Ahmed can alwaysbuy me a job at City Hall.
-And then you know
what I'm gonna do?
-What?
I'm gonna buy the house
where I was born
and live there
the rest of my life.
Sounds swell, Max.
1215 Michigan Street.
That'll be our address.
I beg your pardon?
Just Debbie and me
and baby makes three.
Oh, whoa. No.
Oh, wrong song, Max.You're jumpin' the gun here.
I mean, it's--it's fun being with you.
No. You're a real kick,
but, uh, I'm not interestedin a lifetime.
I don't understand.
I thought
we had something here.
We do. We have now.
That's it?
That's an awful lotin a place like this.
-But I thought...
-Max...
little blue heavens and picketfences may be your dreams,
but it's not mine.
Oh.
I get it.
We were having
such a good time,
I didn't know
it was just a good time.
Well, it still can be.
Nah.
I'm not that kind of a guy.
-[chattering]
-"She walks in beauty,
"like the night of cloudlessclimes and starry skies,
"and all that's bestof dark and bright
meet in her aspectand her eyes."
Well, my dear,what do you think of it?
The meat is stale,
and the bun is burned.
Boy, that Rosie
get away with murder.
The poem. I was talkingabout the poem.
Talk, talk. All talk.
I want some action.
I have so much to give.
Why can't you justpay attention?
What you got to give
I can get
from a sleeping pill.
Sooni, if we'regoing to be together,
you've got to do some thingsthat I like to do.
Now, one more poem.
Forget it, skinhead.
-I insist.
-You insist nothing.
I've had it with you.
You are too weird.
Now, Sooni--
I'm not gonna do any more ofthe crazy things with you.
Will you loweryour voice, please?
Why do you
have to make me
into some kind
of high-class broad?
I only wanted to enrich you,give you something special.
What? Lousy music and poetry?
Go rhyme yourself.I'm just a working girl.
If I pull that stuff on someG.I., I'm out on my butt.
Wait, Sooni, please stay.
I'll... leave you alone.
No, Charlie.
I will leave you alone.
S--
You better off.
Ah? Really?
So is she.
[phone ringing]
[groans]
Hello. MASH4-O-something-something...
and you got a lot of nerve
calling in the middle
of the night.
All right, all right.
What's the story?
Ah.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
What? Really?
That's great.
[cackles]
That's good.
No, no, no. I'll do it.I'll do it. No problem.
Hey, listen,
thanks for calling.
[cackling]
Hey, Beej, wake up!Hey, hey! Wake up! Beej!
What? What?
Oh, it's you.
Whatever you want,
take it. It's yours.
I got news.Dateline: Taegu.
Your kidney patientis off the machine,
and he's responding.
You're kidding.
You mean it?
I just got a callfrom Cohen the specialist.
He says it's too earlyto tell for sure,
but he thinkshe's gonna be okay.
-Yeah? Yeah?
-Yeah! Yeah!
Oh! We did it!
We did it!
-I knew it!
He's gonna make it!
-You see?
I told you!
You were worried.
Oh, Hawkeye!
Am I the greatestsurgeon in Korea?
In the world!
Ohh, Hawk! He made it!
-Yeah, I heard. [laughing]-[laughing]
Oh.
Hey, listen,
this doesn't seem right
for two guys
who hate each other
as much as we do.
Look, you might as wellmove back in,
especially since we'll becelebrating for a month.
A month?
Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no.
I think your walking
on the furniture's
liable to drive me nuts.
I can't help it.It's one of my problems.
-Hey.
-[laughing]
-Congratulations.
-Come on. I can't
stand you sober.
Oh, darling.
I missed you too.
Gentlemen, may I haveyour attention, please?
I am home early.
-Why is none of your business.-[glasses clinking]
So, before you ask, don't.
Gee, I've enjoyed
our little chat.
Good night.
B.J.:She threw you over, huh?
Over and out.
This evening, I learned,much to my chagrin,
that Sooni is nothing
more than a...
a camp follower.
Well, don't be hasty,Charles.
Fifth impressionscan deceive you.
I was only deceiving myself.
How could I have been
so blind and stupid?
-And human.
-Touché.
Charles,
you needed somebody.
We all do occasionally.
It wasn't
such a big mistake.
Come on, Charles.
Join the rest of us fools.
It is better to have
loved and lost
than never to have--
Oh, give me a drink.
Heyo.
[drunkenly] ♪ Since my gal and I ain't together ♪
♪ Keeps raining all the time ♪
There ought to be
a cover in here,
and he ought to be under it.
It's a good thing
we're numb already.
Oh, what a beating.
-[chuckles]
-Rosie.
-[singing continues]
-A beating?
-Yeah.-I think it's beautiful.
-[scoffs]
-I do.
♪ All I do is rain a lot...
Gentlemen, excuse me.
Don't go yet, Charles.
It'll be over soon.
♪ ...sun once more
♪ Can't go on
♪ Everything I have is gone
♪ Stormy weather...
[theme music playing]