M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 23 - A Night at Rosie's - full transcript
In an act of protest, Hawkeye goes to Rosie's Bar and decrees he is not leaving. One by one he is joined by fellow surgeons and staff, including an annoyed Colonel Potter.
[theme music playing]
[rooster crowing]
[dog barking]
I hate the army!
Usually, I just can't stand it,but this is different.
This is hate.
Two days in surgery.
I remove enough shrapnelto build a DeSoto.
I evac an entire post-opfull of patients.
Then I go to the mess tentfor my first decent meal.
-You know what they
had for breakfast?
-I'm closed.
Spam omelets withdried fruit cocktail.
How can I eat thatand look my mouth in the face?
Sorry. My pots
and pans are asleep.
Rosie. One quick,nourishing breakfast, please.
Okay. I still got some greaseleft over from last night.
-What'll you have?
-A beer and a bowl.
What?
The breakfastof ex-champions.
-Ahh. Listen to that.
-[crackling]
Snap, crackle and burp.
Mmm.
Whatever you got,in a shot glass.
-I might as well open.
-[sighs]
Anything to smoke?
Special today:
Two bits.
-My treat.
-Thanks.
It's got teeth marks on it.
It's a demonstrator model.
Hi, I'm Hawkeye Pierce.And I forget your name?
Scully. Jack Scully.
Listen, uh,
I don't mean to pry,
but are the Chinese rightoutside the door or something?
Nope. I just came off the lineabout five miles back.
Hell of a battle.When it was over,
I decided to go awayfor a little rest.
I've been a-walkin'and thumbin' since sunrise.
You're AWOL?
[exhales]For about three hours.
AWOL? Did I hear AWOL?
Sorry, buddy,
but out you go.
I don't want no M.P.sbustin' in on me.
-I run a family bar.-I'll vouch for him, Rosie.
One M.P.,
and it's your butt.
I've been out therefor six months.
Every day, crawlingand scratching
from one lousy foxholeto another.
Watching buddies of mineget clobbered two feet away,
knowing there'sno end in sight.
Well, I called time-out.
I'm lucky to have madeit this far,
and I ain't going back.
That's the spirit.
This war's over for me, mac.
I'm gonna sit right hereand order drinks
and pay for 'em with whateverI got on my back.
I ought to last outa good 10 years.
Refill.
Here. Keep the change.
No. Put that
back in your wallet.
My contribution to
the antiwar effort.
You're spoilin' me.
Ah, Hawkeye, there you are.
I don't know why,
but there you are.
Beej, this is
Sergeant Scully,
and vice versa.
Hey, those are real
soldier clothes.
Potter's looking for you.
There's some paperwork
you didn't finish,
like for the
last six months.
Tell him I'm sorry.
-No, tell him I'm
not coming back.
-Huh?
In fact,
you can rent out my room.
Scully and I are
staying here forever.
-You're divorcing the army?-Call me fickle.
I'll call you in Leavenworth.
Come on. Life is a sewersandwich. Have a shot.
Rosie'll whip you up
a side of waffles.
Well, okay. One drink.
♪ ...again and again
♪ Once you have found her
♪ Never let her go
♪ Once you have found her
♪ Never
♪ Let her
Aw, let her go.
You know our problem?Our voices are too low.
This time,let's be the Andrews Sisters.
I'll be Patty, you beMaxene, you be LaVerne.
I'm always LaVerne!
Why can't you be
LaVerne once?
Because I've had itwith making sacrifices!
They sent meto this stinking place,
and they won't
let me go home.
Sorry, I didn't know.
Sure glad
I'm not in your shoes.
Hey, let's nottalk about it.
As long as we're here,
there's no out there.Just us.
-And the skies are
not cloudy all day.
-Right.
You know, Scully makes sense.What he's trying to say is--
You stop me if I'm wrong--
-What's he trying to say?-That Rosie's is an oasis,
a bamboo security blanket,a neutral country all its own.
Yeah. Yeah, a country.Why don't we form ourown country?
Yeah, right.
There. You see what
you did, Uncle Sam?
We seceded from the Union.
Hey, wait a minute.
Don't we gotta giveour country a name?
Otherwise, how can school kidsever study about us?
Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, okay. Uh...
All right, a name.All right, okay. I got it.I got it. How's this?
-Canada.
-What?
I think that's
being used.
All right.Then let's name it after--
After the founder Rosie.
How's this?
Rosieland.
Rosieland is the name ofa ballroom, not a country.
If you let me call itRosieland, I'll be LaVerne.
Rosieland! It's perfect!
Rosie, another round.
Everybody drinking.
Anybody paying?
How 'bout a bottle
on the house?
We just declared
your crummy saloon
to be a sovereign
new state--Rosieland.
Tsk. I gotta start
watering the booze.
Our motto is "Life,
liberty and the pursuit
of happy hour."
And we're staying here forever.
Just don't
make a mess.
Oh, there you are.
Colonel Potter's gotan all-points bulletinout for you two.
We're not here.
Oh, I get it. Layin' low.
Well, don't worry.My lips are stapled.
Back in Toledo,
we got a saying:
spill the news,and you wear cement shoes.
What a nice wayto put it.
Here you go, LaVerne.
Rosie! I understand
Wang Ho is bringing
Korea's finest floatingcrap game right here.
-I don't know a thing.-Hey, I gotta get in that game.
I even woremy professional knee pads.
I still don't know a thing.
Right.
-Here you are.
-Another five.
How'd you know?
Just follow me.
Great placeyou've got here!
Banquet facilitiesand everything.
When Wang Ho shows up,tell him you got a reservation.
-Good luck, and bring backthe bacon.
-[laughs]
Luck has nothingto do with it. It's skill.
Back in Toledo,I was such a hot shooter,
even a couple of big-league
scouts approached me.
The mob is always onthe lookout for fresh talent.
Uh-huh. When you're
tap city, let me know.
I got a big waiting listfor your spot.
Hey, what's this?
Oh. That's what happenedto that deadbeat.
I thought he just skipped outwithout paying.
Whew! He's a sponge.
Sir, you okay?
Thirty dollars.Liquor and two days' rent.
-Cough it up.
-Don't tempt him.
♪ ["You Make Me
Feel So Young"] ♪
Ah, welcome to Rosieland!
With every drink you getan honorary citizenship
and a commemorative pretzel.
Wait! Wait, wait!A little respect for our flag.
Sort of makes youwant to cry, doesn't it?
Has anybody explained to youthe philosophy of Rosieland?
No. But somebody wanted to usemy underwear for a flag.
Oh, that would be our
secretary of the interior.
It's an intimate little
country we have here,
where man's only obligationis to love his fellow woman.
So how 'bout it?
You wanna be a patriot
and love me back?
Turncoat.
What's going on here?
Aw, Major, we just came infor a little drink.
-We're not on duty,
and everybody's here.
-That's what I mean.
-Why wasn't I invited?
-We didn't think you'd
be interested.
-That's gonna cost
you both a drink.
-Well, sit down.
Excuse me, ladies.
I'd like to go
over your head.
Major, would you
care to dance?
Oh, thank you,but I'm having a drinkwith my nurses.
What would you say
if I told you
you're the prettiest thing
I've seen in six months?
Let's hit the floor.And please, call me Margaret.
Oh, sir, thank goodness
you're here,
or I wouldn't
have found you here.
Colonel Potter's
really mad.
Radar, you can tell Potterwe're not coming back.
Are you crazy? You want me
to tell him that?
This morning
he bit through a pencil,
and he wasn't even
wearing his partial.
No, sir. If you're not willingto face the colonel, Captain,
-neither am I.
-Then neither am I.
How about a grape Nehi?
Yeah. I could use one.
Who's that?
Klinger found himabout an hour ago.
If nobody claims him bytomorrow, he gets to keep him.
Doesn't he have any I.D.?He's gotta have I.D.
Just his dog tags.
Major Frank Dorsett,the unknowing soldier.
Maybe I bettercheck him out with H.Q.
Yeah, see if they havea missing drunk.
First I'm gonna have
that Nehi.
Maybe a double.
B.J.: Straight Nehi
for my friend here.
Gentlemen. The Wang Ho
crap game is here
for your enjoyment.
-Here we go.
-Wait a minute.
Neither of you is Wang Ho.How could this be his game?
He sold it to us,
but we get to use his name.
Good for business.
I'm Cho Kim, and this
is my oldest son Ham.
-Ever see two
more honest faces?
-Plenty of times.
-Here we go.
-[laughs]
Funny clothes you wear
to shoot dice.
Where you gonna put
your winnings?
I got a garter belt
and two B cups.
You shoot. Ladies first.
Okay. Down for 10. Cover me.
[chattering]
Here we go. It's likehanding Liberace a piano.
-Yeah, so you say.-All right. Talk to me,freckle twins!
-Here we go, baby!
-Point is four.
-Twenty he won't make it.-Ho-ho! [blows]
Come on, four!
Craps! Mr. Seven is a loser.
-[laughs]-Come on, guys. My wholefuture's in your hands.
[cheers, applause]
Ah, another first-timer.
Can I get you a table,
baby face?
[chuckles] No, thank you.I won't be staying long.
I'm just here on a mission,as it were.
Well, have fun. You look likeyou could use it.
[cheers, applause]
B.J., I hate to interruptyou in mid-debauch,
but I'd like a word with you.
You're not going
to tell me
that Potter is
still looking for us?
Pardon my French,
but if the Colonel noticeshis diminished ranks,
there's gonna be hell to pay.
You need a drink.
Another beer here!
This isn't one of my sermons.I expect you to listen.
Father, we're hiding
from the world, not Potter.
And every extra minute away
is pure gold.
Come on.
Don't tarnish it.
[sighs] Ah, well.I never could play the heavy.
Ah, finally.
A customer with money.
I am looking for
an indolent worm.
-You won't find one
in my kitchen.
-[laughs] Oh, no.
Get out of my way, honey.
Pierce! Pierce!
No, Charles,
you may not cut in.
You were to have relieved meas officer of the day
over two hours ago.
Now I demand a full apology,
even though I willnever accept it.
Yeah, well, you can blow itout your Bosko, Winchester,
'cause I'm not apologizing,and I'm not taking O.D. duty.
If I say apologize,you will apo--
What do you mean you're nottaking officer of the day?
Just what I said.
None of your long-windedexcuses, Pierce.
You can't toy with me.
Now either you take
this badge immediately,
or I will have you
court-martialed so fast,
your vacuum-like
head will spin.
Silence! Another word,
and I'll have youunder citizen's arrest.
-I am going to count to one.-That's the word.
What are you doing--Pierce, what are you do--You are touching me!
-Pierce! [shouting]
-Get this, will ya?
Pierce, let go!
You guys are gonna getyourselves in real trouble.
-Look who's talking.
-Let go of me,
or you will neversee your families again!
-ALL: [cheering]
-CHARLES: Please!
-[dice rattling]
-Okay, okay.
Somethin' right's
gotta happen here.
Hey, stay back.
You're in my luck.
The point is six.
-Oh, hello, everyone.
-[speaking Korean]
No, no, don't worry, Cho.He's one of us.
Have a kneel, Father, while Itry to thaw these dice.
Thank you.
Okay, roll the bones,Klinger.
Come on. I need a six.
Baby needs a new girdle.
-Come on, six!
-Come on, six!
-Seven!
-Father, I gotta
change my luck.
Please, He won't fail you.
Oh, Klinger.I don't like to callon Him for this.
I'll come to church.
I promise.
Oh, well, in that case.
A new shooter.A holy roller!
Okay, okay.
Ten on the father.
-You're covered.
-Come on, baby!
The cardinal needsa new pair of red shoes.
And none of you
are seeing this.
Hey! Craps!
Snake eyes. You lose!
You must notlive right, Father.
Klinger,maybe we should quit.
Quit? A Klinger
never quits.
Surrender or desert,
yes. But quit? Never!
Besides, he's got all mySaturday night jewelry.
[laughs]
Major?
Major, you gotta get up.
Hey, listen, Major.
I know you're havin'a good time and everything,
but this is really important.
[sighs]
Begging your pardon, Major,but you're really disgusting.
Couldn't you find a liveliercompanion, Radar?
We got a big problem here.I called H.Q.
I had them check this guy outfrom here to Tokyo.
And there's no recordof him whatsoever.
-Who'd want him
in the first place?-He's not listed anywhere.
As far as they're concerned,this guy doesn't even exist.
-The army is always right.
-Huh.
It's so refreshingto meet a man like you.
-Oh, really?
-Yes.
The only ones
I get to meet lately
are general officers--
real softies
who hang
their big potbellies
over their dinner table
and spout "War is hell."
[laughs] How do I get
a job like that?
[laughs] There's a realstrength about you.
I don't mean justthe broad shoulders.
It's a real force that'salmost overpowering.
You're crushing my hand.
Oh. I'm sorry.
So how long do you havebefore you rejoin your unit?
Margaret, I kinda like youexcept for one thing--
you talk a little too much.
That's only because
I'm so interested in you.
Shh.
You'll never make general.
Colonel Potter!
What an honor.
Let me clear outa few of these bumsand get you a table.
That's okay, Rosie.
I just stopped by
to see where my camp went.
Pierce.What's going on here?
I've been losing peopleall day.
It's very simple, Colonel.
We quit the war.
Uh-huh. When you quit,you're supposed to give notice.
Oh, Colonel. I found Hawkeye.He's over at Rosie's.
You two are deep
in my doghouse.
And where's that
officer of the day?
Uh, over here.
He's fit to be tied.
It was easy roping him,
but it took six of usto get the gag in his mouth.
Where do youwant him branded?
Why can't you three
learn to play together?
Okay, Winchester.
Colonel, I--
[gags, clears throat]
I was raised in a graciousand civilized atmosphere.
I was taught the Golden Rule,
and with the exceptionof some few business dealings,
I have learned to live by it.
However, in this case,I want these vermin hung!
I want them
buried in anthills,
their bodies smeared
with honey!
-Easy, Major.
-I want them drawn
and quartered,
and I want
the pieces arrested!
Shush, Winchester.
He's got a case.
I have never beenso humiliated in my life!
In between dances,they come over here and they--
they sit on me!
Will you pipe down?
I demand you bring chargesagainst all the people--
Okay, Winchester. I'll
take care of everything.
You just relax.
You! Follow me.
Colonel, you can't spank us.
Rosie doesn't have
her woodshed.
You know, as a commander,
I let you two get awaywith a lot around here--
even hog-tying a surgeon.
But if I let youwalk out on me
and take the whole campwith you,
there's nothing to command.
I'm afraid I'm gonna haveto shut this wingding down.
Look, Colonel, there area lot of people in there
haven't had a nightlike this in a long time.
I know. I know a thinglike this is needed.
But I needsomething too: respect.
It's supposed to comewith the job and, besides,I've earned it.
Colonel, there were a lotof things we meant to showour disrespect for,
but unfortunately,you got caught in the rush.
To put it another way...We're sorry.
You think that helps,don't you?
All right,cut Winchester loose.
I'll tell him you wereout of your heads.He'll believe that.
-Appreciate it.
-We'll remember this.
I doubt if tomorrowyou'll remember anything.
-Made it!
-Pay the lucky lady.
-Finally.-Congratulations, my son.
-Cho, let it ride.
-Let it ride.
Klinger, what's
gotten into you?
You made back a few dollars.Be happy with that.
For the last time,white collar,leave players alone!
You keep threatening me,young man,
and you'll be wearingthose dice in your nose.
-Ooh, Father.-Klinger, I don't trustthese two.
I haven't been ableto catch them at it,
but I know they'repulling something.
They're clean, Father.
I thought
they might be exchanging
dice with the money,
but I haven't seen nothin'.
Look, my touch
is coming back.
They can't beat me now.
Come on. Come on.
Let's go.
Okay, okay.
You're in trouble now, boys.
Seven-eleven! Ha!
-Nine to make!
-It's in the bag.
It's in the bag.
Nine, fellas, nine.
Come on, nine!
-A niner!
-Pay the winner!
Two in a row.I've never seen such luck!
You're short five,old-timer.
What? Sorry.
For an old pit boss,
I'm sure lousy with numbers.
-Here you go, Mrs. Luck.-Surprise boys.
-Let it ride again.
-Let it ride!
Here we go!
Klinger, I'd liketo talk to you.
Father, not now.
I'm on a roll.
-Especially now!
-Father!
There's somethingyou should know.
He's been like this
for hours, Rosie.
Don't worry, Radar.
Even if he's dead,
my coffee
will bring him back.
-What's in it?
-Just coffee, an egg,
and a little gunpowder.
-That's dangerous!
-Yeah!
Now, you hold his nose.I'll pour it down.
He'll gag a lot,but don't mind.
Okay. This is for
your own good, Major.
Oh, geez. I can't look.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, no. I told Hawkeyethere'd be trouble.
Oh, geez.
They're probably here
for Major Dorsett.
They'll see this and think
I should know something,
but I don't know,
so I'll get blamed.
I'm sorry, sir.
You're on your own.
Excuse me, fellas.
Where do you think
you're going, Corporal?
Who, me? I'm just going
back to the camp.
I, uh...
I just came over here
for a couple
of bottle of booze.
You know,
west my whittle--
wet my whistle.
Uh-huh. What else?
Oh, look. I don't
even know him! Geez!
I'm not even the one
that found him!
He was asleep. I tried
to wake the major up,
and he wouldn't be... up.
Sit over there and writethe whole thing out.
Right. I'll write.
Jordan, start checking
through the crowd.
-I wonder what
they're looking for.
-Probably me.
What? Why?
I'm AWOL. I walked off
the line this morning.
You deserted? You?
I hope that doesn't
make a difference.
Uh, excuse me.What are you guys doing?
Looking for an AWOL.
Oh, uh, yeah. Well,
I'm--I'm your man.I'm the AWOL.
It's all a misunderstanding.I don't own a watch.
You don't fit
the description.
Of course not,I'm wearing a disguise.
I mean, I know the face lookslike I just threw it on,
but it's the best I could do.
Oh, a joker.
You're making a big mistake.
I'm wanted in three other wars.
Could I see some I.D.,
Sarge?
Uh, sorry. I don't have any.It just gets me in trouble.
Maybe you'd better
come with me.
CHO: It's a friendly game!
[men shouting]
I'll kill you guys!
Nobody cheats meand gets away with it!
-[glass breaking]
-Nice move.
-[grunts]
-Fight! Fight!
Oh, my Lord! Stop!
Stop this, please!
-You're all setting
a bad example!
-Aaah!
-[fighting continues]
-[woman screams]
Somebody should stop this.
What are you girls waitingfor? Get out there!
Incoming!
-[man yelling]-[punches being thrown]
All right!Which one of you guysthrew this wood?
[punch being thrown]
Serves you right!
-Get off me!
-[groans]
-Thanks.
-You bet.
Come on!Once the fight clears up,they're gonna take you in.
Margaret!
You're on my side.
I just don't wanna see youget in any trouble.
Now go on.Go back to your unit.
Tell 'em you got lostin the battle.
That's not the point.
I'm sick of the war!
Who isn't? Jack,we have no time to argue.
Now come on,for heaven's sake.
-Don't be a fool. Go. Now.-Okay, Margaret.
But don't be surprised
if I show up on
your doorstep again.
-I've grown a little
fond of this place.
-Any time.
[fighting continues]
Hey, baby! How 'bouta little kiss for me?
-Ooh!
-[crashes]
Gimme the money!
Give me the money!
Here. Hold this.
[grunting]
-[laughing]
-Come on. Come on.
Come on. Gimme that.
Ahh. There it is!
Okay, guys. Where's the dice?I'm rarin' to play.
Boy! What a night!
[rooster crowing]
[groans]
Oh. Oh.
What time is it?
About a half past
the 20th century.
We gotta get back.I got duty in post-opthis afternoon.
Yeah, we'll probably gonnastart getting casualties soon.
-It's been too quiet
around here.
-[dog barking]
Good night, Rosie.
Thanks for a great time.
Get lost already.
Could somebody
call me a cab?
What's that?
[object falls to ground]
I've gotta
grab a cab fast.
Uh, I've got a meeting
at Pearl Harbor
in an half--
half an hour.
-He's alive.
-Hey.
This isn't the Halekulani.Where am I?
Where do you think you are?
Honolulu.
I'm stationed
over at Schofield.
I don't think you're
gonna make your meeting.
You're in Korea.
Korea?
Wow. They really
took me seriously.
-What?-I was sitting withsome of my friends,
and we were toasting July 4.
And I was saying how I'd liketo join the fun in Korea.
They must've stuck me
on a transport.
Why would anybody needto get drunk in Hawaii?
Come on.
As long as you're here,we'll show you some of the fun.
Then you'll really
need a drink.
By the way,
it's not July 4.
It's about August 10.
Well, what do you know?
I've been plastered
for five weeks.
That's a new record.
In Honolulu maybe,but not here.
[theme music playing]
[rooster crowing]
[dog barking]
I hate the army!
Usually, I just can't stand it,but this is different.
This is hate.
Two days in surgery.
I remove enough shrapnelto build a DeSoto.
I evac an entire post-opfull of patients.
Then I go to the mess tentfor my first decent meal.
-You know what they
had for breakfast?
-I'm closed.
Spam omelets withdried fruit cocktail.
How can I eat thatand look my mouth in the face?
Sorry. My pots
and pans are asleep.
Rosie. One quick,nourishing breakfast, please.
Okay. I still got some greaseleft over from last night.
-What'll you have?
-A beer and a bowl.
What?
The breakfastof ex-champions.
-Ahh. Listen to that.
-[crackling]
Snap, crackle and burp.
Mmm.
Whatever you got,in a shot glass.
-I might as well open.
-[sighs]
Anything to smoke?
Special today:
Two bits.
-My treat.
-Thanks.
It's got teeth marks on it.
It's a demonstrator model.
Hi, I'm Hawkeye Pierce.And I forget your name?
Scully. Jack Scully.
Listen, uh,
I don't mean to pry,
but are the Chinese rightoutside the door or something?
Nope. I just came off the lineabout five miles back.
Hell of a battle.When it was over,
I decided to go awayfor a little rest.
I've been a-walkin'and thumbin' since sunrise.
You're AWOL?
[exhales]For about three hours.
AWOL? Did I hear AWOL?
Sorry, buddy,
but out you go.
I don't want no M.P.sbustin' in on me.
-I run a family bar.-I'll vouch for him, Rosie.
One M.P.,
and it's your butt.
I've been out therefor six months.
Every day, crawlingand scratching
from one lousy foxholeto another.
Watching buddies of mineget clobbered two feet away,
knowing there'sno end in sight.
Well, I called time-out.
I'm lucky to have madeit this far,
and I ain't going back.
That's the spirit.
This war's over for me, mac.
I'm gonna sit right hereand order drinks
and pay for 'em with whateverI got on my back.
I ought to last outa good 10 years.
Refill.
Here. Keep the change.
No. Put that
back in your wallet.
My contribution to
the antiwar effort.
You're spoilin' me.
Ah, Hawkeye, there you are.
I don't know why,
but there you are.
Beej, this is
Sergeant Scully,
and vice versa.
Hey, those are real
soldier clothes.
Potter's looking for you.
There's some paperwork
you didn't finish,
like for the
last six months.
Tell him I'm sorry.
-No, tell him I'm
not coming back.
-Huh?
In fact,
you can rent out my room.
Scully and I are
staying here forever.
-You're divorcing the army?-Call me fickle.
I'll call you in Leavenworth.
Come on. Life is a sewersandwich. Have a shot.
Rosie'll whip you up
a side of waffles.
Well, okay. One drink.
♪ ...again and again
♪ Once you have found her
♪ Never let her go
♪ Once you have found her
♪ Never
♪ Let her
Aw, let her go.
You know our problem?Our voices are too low.
This time,let's be the Andrews Sisters.
I'll be Patty, you beMaxene, you be LaVerne.
I'm always LaVerne!
Why can't you be
LaVerne once?
Because I've had itwith making sacrifices!
They sent meto this stinking place,
and they won't
let me go home.
Sorry, I didn't know.
Sure glad
I'm not in your shoes.
Hey, let's nottalk about it.
As long as we're here,
there's no out there.Just us.
-And the skies are
not cloudy all day.
-Right.
You know, Scully makes sense.What he's trying to say is--
You stop me if I'm wrong--
-What's he trying to say?-That Rosie's is an oasis,
a bamboo security blanket,a neutral country all its own.
Yeah. Yeah, a country.Why don't we form ourown country?
Yeah, right.
There. You see what
you did, Uncle Sam?
We seceded from the Union.
Hey, wait a minute.
Don't we gotta giveour country a name?
Otherwise, how can school kidsever study about us?
Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, okay. Uh...
All right, a name.All right, okay. I got it.I got it. How's this?
-Canada.
-What?
I think that's
being used.
All right.Then let's name it after--
After the founder Rosie.
How's this?
Rosieland.
Rosieland is the name ofa ballroom, not a country.
If you let me call itRosieland, I'll be LaVerne.
Rosieland! It's perfect!
Rosie, another round.
Everybody drinking.
Anybody paying?
How 'bout a bottle
on the house?
We just declared
your crummy saloon
to be a sovereign
new state--Rosieland.
Tsk. I gotta start
watering the booze.
Our motto is "Life,
liberty and the pursuit
of happy hour."
And we're staying here forever.
Just don't
make a mess.
Oh, there you are.
Colonel Potter's gotan all-points bulletinout for you two.
We're not here.
Oh, I get it. Layin' low.
Well, don't worry.My lips are stapled.
Back in Toledo,
we got a saying:
spill the news,and you wear cement shoes.
What a nice wayto put it.
Here you go, LaVerne.
Rosie! I understand
Wang Ho is bringing
Korea's finest floatingcrap game right here.
-I don't know a thing.-Hey, I gotta get in that game.
I even woremy professional knee pads.
I still don't know a thing.
Right.
-Here you are.
-Another five.
How'd you know?
Just follow me.
Great placeyou've got here!
Banquet facilitiesand everything.
When Wang Ho shows up,tell him you got a reservation.
-Good luck, and bring backthe bacon.
-[laughs]
Luck has nothingto do with it. It's skill.
Back in Toledo,I was such a hot shooter,
even a couple of big-league
scouts approached me.
The mob is always onthe lookout for fresh talent.
Uh-huh. When you're
tap city, let me know.
I got a big waiting listfor your spot.
Hey, what's this?
Oh. That's what happenedto that deadbeat.
I thought he just skipped outwithout paying.
Whew! He's a sponge.
Sir, you okay?
Thirty dollars.Liquor and two days' rent.
-Cough it up.
-Don't tempt him.
♪ ["You Make Me
Feel So Young"] ♪
Ah, welcome to Rosieland!
With every drink you getan honorary citizenship
and a commemorative pretzel.
Wait! Wait, wait!A little respect for our flag.
Sort of makes youwant to cry, doesn't it?
Has anybody explained to youthe philosophy of Rosieland?
No. But somebody wanted to usemy underwear for a flag.
Oh, that would be our
secretary of the interior.
It's an intimate little
country we have here,
where man's only obligationis to love his fellow woman.
So how 'bout it?
You wanna be a patriot
and love me back?
Turncoat.
What's going on here?
Aw, Major, we just came infor a little drink.
-We're not on duty,
and everybody's here.
-That's what I mean.
-Why wasn't I invited?
-We didn't think you'd
be interested.
-That's gonna cost
you both a drink.
-Well, sit down.
Excuse me, ladies.
I'd like to go
over your head.
Major, would you
care to dance?
Oh, thank you,but I'm having a drinkwith my nurses.
What would you say
if I told you
you're the prettiest thing
I've seen in six months?
Let's hit the floor.And please, call me Margaret.
Oh, sir, thank goodness
you're here,
or I wouldn't
have found you here.
Colonel Potter's
really mad.
Radar, you can tell Potterwe're not coming back.
Are you crazy? You want me
to tell him that?
This morning
he bit through a pencil,
and he wasn't even
wearing his partial.
No, sir. If you're not willingto face the colonel, Captain,
-neither am I.
-Then neither am I.
How about a grape Nehi?
Yeah. I could use one.
Who's that?
Klinger found himabout an hour ago.
If nobody claims him bytomorrow, he gets to keep him.
Doesn't he have any I.D.?He's gotta have I.D.
Just his dog tags.
Major Frank Dorsett,the unknowing soldier.
Maybe I bettercheck him out with H.Q.
Yeah, see if they havea missing drunk.
First I'm gonna have
that Nehi.
Maybe a double.
B.J.: Straight Nehi
for my friend here.
Gentlemen. The Wang Ho
crap game is here
for your enjoyment.
-Here we go.
-Wait a minute.
Neither of you is Wang Ho.How could this be his game?
He sold it to us,
but we get to use his name.
Good for business.
I'm Cho Kim, and this
is my oldest son Ham.
-Ever see two
more honest faces?
-Plenty of times.
-Here we go.
-[laughs]
Funny clothes you wear
to shoot dice.
Where you gonna put
your winnings?
I got a garter belt
and two B cups.
You shoot. Ladies first.
Okay. Down for 10. Cover me.
[chattering]
Here we go. It's likehanding Liberace a piano.
-Yeah, so you say.-All right. Talk to me,freckle twins!
-Here we go, baby!
-Point is four.
-Twenty he won't make it.-Ho-ho! [blows]
Come on, four!
Craps! Mr. Seven is a loser.
-[laughs]-Come on, guys. My wholefuture's in your hands.
[cheers, applause]
Ah, another first-timer.
Can I get you a table,
baby face?
[chuckles] No, thank you.I won't be staying long.
I'm just here on a mission,as it were.
Well, have fun. You look likeyou could use it.
[cheers, applause]
B.J., I hate to interruptyou in mid-debauch,
but I'd like a word with you.
You're not going
to tell me
that Potter is
still looking for us?
Pardon my French,
but if the Colonel noticeshis diminished ranks,
there's gonna be hell to pay.
You need a drink.
Another beer here!
This isn't one of my sermons.I expect you to listen.
Father, we're hiding
from the world, not Potter.
And every extra minute away
is pure gold.
Come on.
Don't tarnish it.
[sighs] Ah, well.I never could play the heavy.
Ah, finally.
A customer with money.
I am looking for
an indolent worm.
-You won't find one
in my kitchen.
-[laughs] Oh, no.
Get out of my way, honey.
Pierce! Pierce!
No, Charles,
you may not cut in.
You were to have relieved meas officer of the day
over two hours ago.
Now I demand a full apology,
even though I willnever accept it.
Yeah, well, you can blow itout your Bosko, Winchester,
'cause I'm not apologizing,and I'm not taking O.D. duty.
If I say apologize,you will apo--
What do you mean you're nottaking officer of the day?
Just what I said.
None of your long-windedexcuses, Pierce.
You can't toy with me.
Now either you take
this badge immediately,
or I will have you
court-martialed so fast,
your vacuum-like
head will spin.
Silence! Another word,
and I'll have youunder citizen's arrest.
-I am going to count to one.-That's the word.
What are you doing--Pierce, what are you do--You are touching me!
-Pierce! [shouting]
-Get this, will ya?
Pierce, let go!
You guys are gonna getyourselves in real trouble.
-Look who's talking.
-Let go of me,
or you will neversee your families again!
-ALL: [cheering]
-CHARLES: Please!
-[dice rattling]
-Okay, okay.
Somethin' right's
gotta happen here.
Hey, stay back.
You're in my luck.
The point is six.
-Oh, hello, everyone.
-[speaking Korean]
No, no, don't worry, Cho.He's one of us.
Have a kneel, Father, while Itry to thaw these dice.
Thank you.
Okay, roll the bones,Klinger.
Come on. I need a six.
Baby needs a new girdle.
-Come on, six!
-Come on, six!
-Seven!
-Father, I gotta
change my luck.
Please, He won't fail you.
Oh, Klinger.I don't like to callon Him for this.
I'll come to church.
I promise.
Oh, well, in that case.
A new shooter.A holy roller!
Okay, okay.
Ten on the father.
-You're covered.
-Come on, baby!
The cardinal needsa new pair of red shoes.
And none of you
are seeing this.
Hey! Craps!
Snake eyes. You lose!
You must notlive right, Father.
Klinger,maybe we should quit.
Quit? A Klinger
never quits.
Surrender or desert,
yes. But quit? Never!
Besides, he's got all mySaturday night jewelry.
[laughs]
Major?
Major, you gotta get up.
Hey, listen, Major.
I know you're havin'a good time and everything,
but this is really important.
[sighs]
Begging your pardon, Major,but you're really disgusting.
Couldn't you find a liveliercompanion, Radar?
We got a big problem here.I called H.Q.
I had them check this guy outfrom here to Tokyo.
And there's no recordof him whatsoever.
-Who'd want him
in the first place?-He's not listed anywhere.
As far as they're concerned,this guy doesn't even exist.
-The army is always right.
-Huh.
It's so refreshingto meet a man like you.
-Oh, really?
-Yes.
The only ones
I get to meet lately
are general officers--
real softies
who hang
their big potbellies
over their dinner table
and spout "War is hell."
[laughs] How do I get
a job like that?
[laughs] There's a realstrength about you.
I don't mean justthe broad shoulders.
It's a real force that'salmost overpowering.
You're crushing my hand.
Oh. I'm sorry.
So how long do you havebefore you rejoin your unit?
Margaret, I kinda like youexcept for one thing--
you talk a little too much.
That's only because
I'm so interested in you.
Shh.
You'll never make general.
Colonel Potter!
What an honor.
Let me clear outa few of these bumsand get you a table.
That's okay, Rosie.
I just stopped by
to see where my camp went.
Pierce.What's going on here?
I've been losing peopleall day.
It's very simple, Colonel.
We quit the war.
Uh-huh. When you quit,you're supposed to give notice.
Oh, Colonel. I found Hawkeye.He's over at Rosie's.
You two are deep
in my doghouse.
And where's that
officer of the day?
Uh, over here.
He's fit to be tied.
It was easy roping him,
but it took six of usto get the gag in his mouth.
Where do youwant him branded?
Why can't you three
learn to play together?
Okay, Winchester.
Colonel, I--
[gags, clears throat]
I was raised in a graciousand civilized atmosphere.
I was taught the Golden Rule,
and with the exceptionof some few business dealings,
I have learned to live by it.
However, in this case,I want these vermin hung!
I want them
buried in anthills,
their bodies smeared
with honey!
-Easy, Major.
-I want them drawn
and quartered,
and I want
the pieces arrested!
Shush, Winchester.
He's got a case.
I have never beenso humiliated in my life!
In between dances,they come over here and they--
they sit on me!
Will you pipe down?
I demand you bring chargesagainst all the people--
Okay, Winchester. I'll
take care of everything.
You just relax.
You! Follow me.
Colonel, you can't spank us.
Rosie doesn't have
her woodshed.
You know, as a commander,
I let you two get awaywith a lot around here--
even hog-tying a surgeon.
But if I let youwalk out on me
and take the whole campwith you,
there's nothing to command.
I'm afraid I'm gonna haveto shut this wingding down.
Look, Colonel, there area lot of people in there
haven't had a nightlike this in a long time.
I know. I know a thinglike this is needed.
But I needsomething too: respect.
It's supposed to comewith the job and, besides,I've earned it.
Colonel, there were a lotof things we meant to showour disrespect for,
but unfortunately,you got caught in the rush.
To put it another way...We're sorry.
You think that helps,don't you?
All right,cut Winchester loose.
I'll tell him you wereout of your heads.He'll believe that.
-Appreciate it.
-We'll remember this.
I doubt if tomorrowyou'll remember anything.
-Made it!
-Pay the lucky lady.
-Finally.-Congratulations, my son.
-Cho, let it ride.
-Let it ride.
Klinger, what's
gotten into you?
You made back a few dollars.Be happy with that.
For the last time,white collar,leave players alone!
You keep threatening me,young man,
and you'll be wearingthose dice in your nose.
-Ooh, Father.-Klinger, I don't trustthese two.
I haven't been ableto catch them at it,
but I know they'repulling something.
They're clean, Father.
I thought
they might be exchanging
dice with the money,
but I haven't seen nothin'.
Look, my touch
is coming back.
They can't beat me now.
Come on. Come on.
Let's go.
Okay, okay.
You're in trouble now, boys.
Seven-eleven! Ha!
-Nine to make!
-It's in the bag.
It's in the bag.
Nine, fellas, nine.
Come on, nine!
-A niner!
-Pay the winner!
Two in a row.I've never seen such luck!
You're short five,old-timer.
What? Sorry.
For an old pit boss,
I'm sure lousy with numbers.
-Here you go, Mrs. Luck.-Surprise boys.
-Let it ride again.
-Let it ride!
Here we go!
Klinger, I'd liketo talk to you.
Father, not now.
I'm on a roll.
-Especially now!
-Father!
There's somethingyou should know.
He's been like this
for hours, Rosie.
Don't worry, Radar.
Even if he's dead,
my coffee
will bring him back.
-What's in it?
-Just coffee, an egg,
and a little gunpowder.
-That's dangerous!
-Yeah!
Now, you hold his nose.I'll pour it down.
He'll gag a lot,but don't mind.
Okay. This is for
your own good, Major.
Oh, geez. I can't look.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, no. I told Hawkeyethere'd be trouble.
Oh, geez.
They're probably here
for Major Dorsett.
They'll see this and think
I should know something,
but I don't know,
so I'll get blamed.
I'm sorry, sir.
You're on your own.
Excuse me, fellas.
Where do you think
you're going, Corporal?
Who, me? I'm just going
back to the camp.
I, uh...
I just came over here
for a couple
of bottle of booze.
You know,
west my whittle--
wet my whistle.
Uh-huh. What else?
Oh, look. I don't
even know him! Geez!
I'm not even the one
that found him!
He was asleep. I tried
to wake the major up,
and he wouldn't be... up.
Sit over there and writethe whole thing out.
Right. I'll write.
Jordan, start checking
through the crowd.
-I wonder what
they're looking for.
-Probably me.
What? Why?
I'm AWOL. I walked off
the line this morning.
You deserted? You?
I hope that doesn't
make a difference.
Uh, excuse me.What are you guys doing?
Looking for an AWOL.
Oh, uh, yeah. Well,
I'm--I'm your man.I'm the AWOL.
It's all a misunderstanding.I don't own a watch.
You don't fit
the description.
Of course not,I'm wearing a disguise.
I mean, I know the face lookslike I just threw it on,
but it's the best I could do.
Oh, a joker.
You're making a big mistake.
I'm wanted in three other wars.
Could I see some I.D.,
Sarge?
Uh, sorry. I don't have any.It just gets me in trouble.
Maybe you'd better
come with me.
CHO: It's a friendly game!
[men shouting]
I'll kill you guys!
Nobody cheats meand gets away with it!
-[glass breaking]
-Nice move.
-[grunts]
-Fight! Fight!
Oh, my Lord! Stop!
Stop this, please!
-You're all setting
a bad example!
-Aaah!
-[fighting continues]
-[woman screams]
Somebody should stop this.
What are you girls waitingfor? Get out there!
Incoming!
-[man yelling]-[punches being thrown]
All right!Which one of you guysthrew this wood?
[punch being thrown]
Serves you right!
-Get off me!
-[groans]
-Thanks.
-You bet.
Come on!Once the fight clears up,they're gonna take you in.
Margaret!
You're on my side.
I just don't wanna see youget in any trouble.
Now go on.Go back to your unit.
Tell 'em you got lostin the battle.
That's not the point.
I'm sick of the war!
Who isn't? Jack,we have no time to argue.
Now come on,for heaven's sake.
-Don't be a fool. Go. Now.-Okay, Margaret.
But don't be surprised
if I show up on
your doorstep again.
-I've grown a little
fond of this place.
-Any time.
[fighting continues]
Hey, baby! How 'bouta little kiss for me?
-Ooh!
-[crashes]
Gimme the money!
Give me the money!
Here. Hold this.
[grunting]
-[laughing]
-Come on. Come on.
Come on. Gimme that.
Ahh. There it is!
Okay, guys. Where's the dice?I'm rarin' to play.
Boy! What a night!
[rooster crowing]
[groans]
Oh. Oh.
What time is it?
About a half past
the 20th century.
We gotta get back.I got duty in post-opthis afternoon.
Yeah, we'll probably gonnastart getting casualties soon.
-It's been too quiet
around here.
-[dog barking]
Good night, Rosie.
Thanks for a great time.
Get lost already.
Could somebody
call me a cab?
What's that?
[object falls to ground]
I've gotta
grab a cab fast.
Uh, I've got a meeting
at Pearl Harbor
in an half--
half an hour.
-He's alive.
-Hey.
This isn't the Halekulani.Where am I?
Where do you think you are?
Honolulu.
I'm stationed
over at Schofield.
I don't think you're
gonna make your meeting.
You're in Korea.
Korea?
Wow. They really
took me seriously.
-What?-I was sitting withsome of my friends,
and we were toasting July 4.
And I was saying how I'd liketo join the fun in Korea.
They must've stuck me
on a transport.
Why would anybody needto get drunk in Hawaii?
Come on.
As long as you're here,we'll show you some of the fun.
Then you'll really
need a drink.
By the way,
it's not July 4.
It's about August 10.
Well, what do you know?
I've been plastered
for five weeks.
That's a new record.
In Honolulu maybe,but not here.
[theme music playing]