M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 22 - Preventative Medicine - full transcript

[theme music playing]

[chatter]

More suction.

Margaret, hemostat.

-Hemostat.
-[exhales]

-Your hemostat, doctor.-Huh? Oh.

After 18 hours in here,

the patient is more
coherent than I am.

Hawk, I'm gettin' drowsy.

Turn that radio
back on, will ya?

Certainly. Click.



♪ In the mornin',
in the evenin' ♪

♪ Ain't we got fun?

Could we get another
station, please?

Better still,yank the plug.

All right, all right, all right.[imitates telegraph beeping]

[imitating Walter Winchell]Good evening, Mr. And Mrs. Ship

and all the Americans at sea.

Flash--Korea.

The U.S. Armyhas just declared sleep

off limits to all surgeons.

As a result, heads will beworn lighter this winter.

And now stay tuned
for Burns and Allen

over most of this same mouth.

POTTER:
Say good night, Gracie.



-Who ordered the liver?-This table, waiter.

You sure that's a liver?
Looks like Illinois to me.

Father, how many morepoor unfortunateshave we out there?

In round figures,too many.

What were these guys doing,runnin' around in circles?

I've got entry wounds comin'from three different angles.

It was a duck shoot.

It seems when the order
to retreat came down,

one battalion commander
decided

his men should stay
and fight a little longer.

-Oh, yeah. That's
Colonel, uh...
-Lacy.

-Bingo.
-He's become our
chief supplier.

Well, why not?He deals strictly wholesale.

Lacy has the highest
casualty rate

of any battalion commander
in this sector.

H.Q. calls that aggressive.
I call it damn reckless.

Whatever you call it,I'm sick of sewing itback together.

What kind of day did I
have at the office, Radar?

Uh, sir, while youwere in the O.R.,

you took careof the strength report,

completed the DD-5, uh,series A through C,

and you ordereda new autoclave.

It's amazing
how much I can get done

without even showing up.
Thank you, son.

Oh, uh, yes, sir.There's one other thing.

When you were reachin'for the phone,

you knocked overyour wife's picture,

and you broke the glass.

It's okay. I'm sure
I didn't mean to.

Yeah, I know.

-Hey!
-Ungowa! Ungowa.

Moo goo gai pan.

Hear me, O Spirit of Darkness.That's the guy.

Klinger, I'm pooped.

Ah, it's working already.

All right, I'll bite.What's working?

My voodoo.

-You do voodoo?
-Ungowa.

-[gibberish]
-Hey, come on!

Colonel, Colonel,

I've tried chicanerymalingering,

and endless flimflammeryto get out of here.

Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

I'm pulling outthe heavy artillery.

Boo-la, boo-la!Chicken gumbo!

Get away!

Boy, that better not
be one of mine.

-No, no. I got that
from the cook.
-Oh.

Colonel, I'm gonna put
such a curse on you,

you'll be on your knees

begging me to accept
a Section 8.

Uh-huh.

Oh, and if thatdon't do it, sir--

ha ha--I'll beforced to use this!

Oh, come on, Klinger.
Cut out the weird stuff.

I presumethat's a little me?

It ain't Mickey Rooney.

Now, you know how this
works, don't you, sir?

Every day, another pin.

Every day, another pain.

Stick it, swami.

You're livingon borrowed time, sir.

Come on! You can't talk
to the colonel like that.

And you stay out of it,

or the teddy beargets it next!

-Good morning, Father.
-Father.

Looks like you'll havea full house Sunday.

I expect so. I usually do
after a big battle.

Out there, when
the fighting is fiercest,

a lot of silent promises
get made.

HAWKEYE: Corporal North.What a coincidence.

We're both from
the same blood type.

Oh, skip the
balloon juice, Doc.

Is this one gonna
send me home?

I never know how to breaknews like this,

-but you're in good shape.-Damn.

They're gonna ship me
right back to that maniac.

Wait, let me guess.

The lovely and talentedColonel Lacy.

Doc, I swear, if they ship
me back to that unit,

I'll kill him.

Well, not right away.You need some rest first.

[horn honking]

And don't expectto get any here.

[honking continues]

Honk all you want. We'renot moving this hospital.

Who is that idiot?

MULCAHY: I've never
seen him before.

MARGARET:Or anyone like him.

Back up, Margaret.

Your hot breathis fogging the window.

Yeah, uh, O'Reilly, 4077th.
Clerk. Company.

Well, just the manI want to see.

Thank you, sir. Why?

You run this outfit,don't you?

Oh, no, sir. We have
a colonel that does that.

Well, on paper, maybe.I've never seen the unit yet

where the company clerkwasn't the real man in charge.

Oh, yeah? Oh, well, yeah.

O'Reilly, I've got some menlaid up here.

I wonder if it'd be possiblefor me to visit 'em.

Oh, I don't know, sir.

I have to check
with the doctors.

-Oh, I see. Hmm.
-Oh, wait a minute.

Well, no.
I can help you out.

-Much appreciated.
-Yeah.

We'll go right through
my headquarters here.

Uh, Colonel, perhaps
you might be interested.

Uh, this is ourcommunication center here.

From here I can contactany place in Korea

or every elsewhere.

You do that, son.

Now, where'd you say
my men were?

Oh, Colonel Potter,

I'd like you to meet
Colonel Lacy.

Nice to meet you.

Colonel Lacy,this is Colonel Potter.

-Heard a lot about you, Lacy.-He's here to see his men.

Well, all good,
I hope, Colonel.

Fact is, I could say
the same for you.

I was just, uh, brieflybriefing the colonel

about the inner workingsof communications.

Yeah, Radar, listen.My desk drawer's stuckagain. Fix it, will ya?

Yes. Uh, yes, I will, sir.Right away.

Uh, Colonel, he'll
take over for now,

-but if you need me--
-Radar.

...I'll be gone.

You know, I've done a littlehomework on your unit, Colonel.

97% survival rate.

That's a very impressive
statistic.

It's nothing comparedto the casualty rate.

Post-op is right this way.

This is the saddest partof war: the cost.

Good morning, Colonel Potter.

Colonel Lacy, Major Houlihan,our head nurse.

So you're Colonel Lacy.

And you're the head nurse.

I'm surprised.

At what?

To find someone so young

in such a responsible
position.

I do my best.

Colonel Lacy, CaptainsPierce and Hunnicutt,

two of our surgeons.

Doctors, it's an honor.

-The pleasure's all yours.-Nice to meet you.

Take a look around
and see what you've done.

Colonel, I'd like
to visit with my men.

Of course.

Psst.

Do me a favor.As long as he's here, lay off.

-Yes.-That goes for you too.

Hello, North.They treating you all right?

North?

I understand, son.You just get better.

Ahem. Men, I, uh...

I would like to visit witheach one of you personally,

but there isn't enough time.

I want you to know
I'm proud of you.

The battalion is proud of you.

One other thing.

Your performance
over the last few days

has given me the confidenceto submit a plan to I-Corps--

a plan for our battalion

to spearhead a counteroffensiveup Hill 403.

And this time, men,we are going to take it.

I know your good wishes
go with us.

God bless you.

And thanks.

Thanks to all of you.

Impressive.Disgusting but impressive.

Colonel, you left outa lot of good stuff.

What about "Into the valley ofDeath" or "Remember the Alamo"

or the ever-popular"Damn the torpedoes"?

Doctor, why don't you justtake care of these brave men?

"I have not yet
begun to fight."

Colonel, before you go.

I've been in this man'sarmy 30-odd years.

I've never said thisto a line officer before.

I wonder if you aren't beinga little careless with your men.

Are you aware you havethe highest casualty rate

of any battalion commander?

Why don't you trypulling back a little?

You trying to put me
out of my job, Colonel?

No. I guess I'm just trying toget you to put me out of mine.

What kind of a diet is this?

Biscuits, gravy,
rice, potatoes.

Evidently they expect us

to starch our uniformsfrom the inside out.

Where are the-- Hello.

Where are the greenvegetables?

The cook had some spinach,
but the rats got to it.

They left a little
if you want some.

Corporal-- uh, Private,you have ruined my appetite.

And I am grateful.

Oh, Major.I've been looking for you.

I'd consider it an honor

if you'd allow meto join you for lunch.

-Oh, my pleasure.
-Thank you.

By the way, uh, the talk
you gave in post-op--

I was very moved.

Hill 403 is very important.

It's a treacherouspiece of ground.

It'll be risky,

but anything worthwhilealways is, isn't it?

How risky?

There'll bea lot of casualties,

but with luck, we can keepthe rate down to 20 or 30%.

-20 or 30%?
-Right.

Uh, you know, a plan--

That's at least
a hundred men.

Approximately, yeah.

A plan was used inthe Battle of Monte Casino.

You see, the Germans--

That's three men
out of every ten.

Has I-Corps
approved this?

Oh, not yet, but I'll--I'll sell it to 'em.

I've wanted that hillfor a long time.

By God, this time,I'm gonna have it.

What makes the hill
so important?

Well, getting it.

At any rate,the Germans were dug in,

and we knew we werein for it--

Excuse me.
I forgot to wash up.

Of course.

Crowded in here today.
Standing retch only.

Gentlemen, please sit down.

All right, fellas.
What is it?

Let's, uh,
clear the air.

For some reason,
you seem to resent me.
I want to know why.

Colonel, we're just tryingto force down a meal here.

Okay, I've got a highcasualty rate. I know that.

Somehow you fellasseem to think I don't care.

Well, let me
tell you something.

When I saw them lying in there,my own men...

I'm not ashamed
to admit it, no, sir.

I felt a real lump in my throat.

That lump
was in your head.

-I beg your pardon?
-Don't do it, Hawk.

Maybe you can beguile
a bunch of innocent kids

with that righteous claptrap,but don't pull it on me.

You're a dangerous man, Lacy.

You love this--

the stirring speeches,
the strategy,

the execution
with a capital E.

It's all one big
bloody game to you.

And then,
when they're carrying

the wounded players
off the field,

you become the cheerleader.

-You make me sick.
-You did it.

I should chew your tail out,doctor. But I'm not.

Besides, it's not you speaking,
it's fatigue.

You're worn thin. I know.I deal with it every day.

Let me give you
a prescription, doctor--

a week's R & R.

In fact,

I'll recommend it toColonel Potter, if you like.

He's ice. How do you get
to a guy like that?

Simple. You hold him down

and drive a peace treatythrough his heart.

Therefore, I firmly believe

that Lieutenant ColonelLacy's record

should be reviewed
with the possibility

of reassigning himto a noncombat position.

You got all that, Radar?

Uh, all the words, sir.

Later I'll put 'em
in the right order.

Be sure you do.
Kindest regards.

Sincerely, Colonel Sherman,blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.
Right.

Um, uh, Colonel,
can I ask a question?

-What can't you spell?
-Uh, no, sir.

Uh, sir, I know you wrote
this and everything,

but do you really meanall this about Colonel Lacy?

It's true.

He's really this bad?

I mean, he seemed
kind of nice to me.

Put the pencil down, son.

I knew I should've
just said nothing.

I know I've never dictateda letter like this before.

That's becauseI didn't have to.

But I've thought this outvery carefully,

and I mean every word.

Now do you understand?

Oh, yes, sir.
But it's just that I--

he doesn't seem
like the kind of guy

who could do all this bad.

People aren't alwayswhat they seem, Radar.

Sometimes when a man's anxiousto stick out a glad hand,

it's because he's gotsomething up his sleeve.

I guess the more I learn
about Colonel Lacy,
the less I like him.

[Klinger chanting gibberish]

Send in the boogie-woogiebugle beak.

He wants to talk to you.

-Foo-raka-saki.
-Same to you.

Now, listen, Klinger.
I've had enough of this.

Chuck-a, chuck-a,floy-doy.

So help me, you give
one more doy-floy--

-Floy-doy.
-Do you hear me?

I'm in a trance.

All right. That's it.

I'm telling the spirits

to put your soulin a half-nelson.

Klinger, you want a curse?
I'll give you a curse.

You've got guard duty
and K.P.

till further notice,
starting right now.

-Aw, sir--
-Boogie-woogie!

I'm going, I'm going!

How come when you say it,it works?

Because my bird
is more powerful
than your bird.

-Good evening, men.
-The iceman cometh.

Visiting hours are over,Colonel.

I've got a little somethingfor the men to cheer them up.

Your resignation?

No, their decorations
came in. May I?

-Corporal North.
-Keep it.

-Pardon me?
-I don't want it.

-It's your Purple Heart, son.-I know what it is.

-You just keep it
as a reminder.
-Now, listen--

I don't want
anything from you!

All right, son.

You feel bitter now,and that's understandable.

But later, when you'vechanged your mind,

I'll still have it for you.

I'm gonna throw himout of here.

No, wait a minute.
Let him say his piece,

then I'll throw him out.

Well, McAvoy.

I thought you mightlike to have this

while you were still here.

It's your Purple Heart.

Listen, I just want youto know how proud I--

[wheezing]

What's wrong, son?Doctor! Doctor!

Get out of the way!

Faint pulse,
very erratic.

What's wrong with him?

Irregular heartbeat.

Bicarb solution.

-He was just looking at me.-Bicarb, Doctor.

Out of the way,
Colonel.

Keep quiet for once,will ya? Just shut up.

Now, just a damn minute.You can't talk to me that way!

You've gotta
pull him through.

Yeah, just for you, right?

Come on, come on.
Smooth it out.

-Make it, son.
-Cut it out.

[quietly]
Make it. Make it.

-No pulse.
-Get out of the way.

I'm gonna beatthe daylights into him.

-Uhh!
-Listen to this.

Come on, come on.

No.

Colonel Lacy,

Headquarters on
the phone for you, sir.

-General Higgins.
-Higgins?

Well, that's my ticket.
I'll be right back.

Anything I can do, sirs?

Yeah. Keep him out of here.

Adrenaline, Doctor.

Keep pushing, Hawk.

Come on, McAvoy.
I'm getting tired.

Try Listen. Listen to this.

I'm getting a pulse.

He's breathing on his own now.

Pulse regular.

Good fight, Hawk.

I thought he had me
in the third round.

General, I know it seemsimpregnable, but it's not.

But this time we can take it.Just give me one last chance.

Damn it, General. You cannottake that hill away from me.

It's mine. I earned it.

All right.

No, of course not, General.I understand. I--

I was just hopingI could convince you.

Good-bye, sir.

Tough luck.

Well,
don't feel bad.

Maybe you'll
get ambushed
on the way home.

No problem. I'll, uhI'll get up there yet.

You gonna defy orders?

Of course not.

I'm a soldier.
I don't defy orders.

The general ordered menot to launch an offensive.

I don't intend to.

But I still have tosend out reconnaissance,

and patrols usually draw fire.

And once the bullets
start flying,

nobody knows who started what.

I don't believe him.

You know something,
Colonel?

You're a heck of a guy.

You have to
admire a man

who won't take no
for an order.

-I don't believe you.-No. I mean it, really.

I'm-- [chuckle]--
I underestimated you.

Forget it.

Listen, how 'boutI buy you a drink?

Well, actually,
I was thinking
of buying you one.

Wait a minute. You're gonnabuy him a drink?

Yeah. No, really.

I thought we'd
go back to the Swamp

and, you know,
sit around and relax,

and, uh, you could
talk with the colonel

while I, you know,
mix the drinks.

-I talk to the colonel?-Yeah, you know,

while I-- while I
mix the drinks.

Hmm? Hey, come on.

Sure. Who knows?
It might be fun.

We'll have
a great time.

After you, sir.

By the way, Colonel,McAvoy, he made it.

-Who?
-McAvoy,

the kid inside.He's all right.

Oh, McAvoy. Listen,
that was good work.

That was good work.

[chuckles]We're gonna have a great time.

-Who's ready for round two?
-B.J.: Besides me.

Well, maybe one more,
just to settle my stomach.

Oh, you have, uh, a problemwith your stomach?

Ah, it's probably
the lousy chow here.

It can't be that.Our food kills instantly.

Mm-hmm. Nice and dry.

Justlike the last one.

Oh, thank you.

Let me get that,
Colonel.

Thanks, gentlemen.

-One for me and one for you.-Mm-hmm.

You know, we're reallynot so far apart.

Right. Opposite sidesof the same fence.

No, he's got a point.

We're all
in the same business.

As surgeons, we'll
sacrifice some tissue

in order to save
the whole body.

You'll sacrifice a few men

in order to, uh... to, uh...

What is it you get
out of that again?

A hill.You know, a rock.

Oh, yeah, right. See?

We're practically
the same.

Ooh!Oh, boy. That smarts.

-Your stomach again?
-Yeah.

Hmm. Let me see.

-Where does that hurt? Here?-Ooh!

-There.
-Oh, boy.

Bad case of gastritis.

Probably lay you up
a couple of days.

Have you ever hadyour appendix out?

-No.
-Appendix?

Yeah, acute appendicitis.

That could keep you outfor a week or two.

Two weeks?

They'll take me off the line.

I'll-- [groan]--
lose my battalion.

-Definitely your appendix.-Wait a minute.

You want to open him up
and take out his appendix?

Well, I could reach downhis throat and get it,

but that would beanother two weeks.

Oh!

Oh, gee whiz.That sounds bad.

What do I have to do, Sherman?

How many schemesdo you think I have left?

Look at me.I'm talking to a stupid doll.

See this?I've a good mind to use it.

[chuckles]
Laughing at me, huh?

Don't think I can do it?

Well, if nothing else,it'll sure make me feel good.

-Take this, Colonel.
-[Lacy groans]

-Huh?
-B.J.: Here we go.

-HAWKEYE: Okay. Come on.-What's going on here?

Holy Toledo!

-Ooh!
-Easy, Colonel.

That's right.He's a colonel too.

Oh, my God!What's wrong with him?

We don't know yet.

Acute appendicitis!

May be just gastritis.

But it may be appendicitis!

Anyway, he's real sick.

What have you done?

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

I'm taking out that guy'sappendix in there.

You gonna get into
your whites or what?

You're talking aboutremoving a healthy organ.

No, I figure
his appendix is about
as sick as his mind.

Doctors aren't supposedto take bodies apart.

They're supposed to
put them together.

Why? So guys like that can
take them apart again?

You heard him.

He's gonna take those kidsup that hill tomorrow

and send them backto us in pieces.

That man is crazy. Thatdoesn't make this right.

Some things are wrong,
and they're always wrong.

Fine. It's wrong.

But there are gonnabe a hundred boysstill alive tomorrow.

Go tell them
how wrong it is.

Damn it!

Why don't you
just stab him?

Cutting into a healthy
body is mutilation!

[chuckles]
Don't give me that.

There aren't doctors back homewho do unnecessary operations?

You never heard of that?

And for what?
For a few bucks.

All right. Suppose
you get him relieved
of his command.

What about the guy
they send to replace him?

He's going to be better thanthis guy. He's got to be.

You don't know that
for sure, do you?

So I'll take themone at a time!

What have I got to lose?

Just your self-respect,
that's all!

You're a doctor of medicine.

You cut
into a healthy body,

and you're gonna
hate yourself

for the rest
of your life.

I hate myself right now!

I hate me, and I hate you,

and I hatethis whole life here.

And if I can keepthat maniac off the line

by a simple appendectomy,

I'll be able to hate myselfwith a clear conscience.

All right.

You want to play God,
you do it alone.

Fine. If you're gonnakeep talking about it,put a mask on.

I don't want to runthe slightest riskof infecting him.

So?

It was pink and perfect,

and I tossed it
in the scrap bucket.

At least he won't be sendingus any customers for a while.

Uh-huh.

Radar was just in here.

In about 10 minutes,

they're sending usa batch of wounded.

Ten minutes?

Attention, attention,
all personnel.

-Time flies.
-Sorry, folks.

Triage in the compound. Looks kinda heavy.

You treated a symptom.

The disease goes merrily on.

Let's go, Hawk.

[rapid footsteps]

Father, Father, I gottatalk to you. Very important.

Well, certainly. What aboutthis evening after vespers?

No, no, no. Now.
It can't wait, Father.

You've got to take
these from me.

They're dangerous
in my hands.

What is that that smellslike a dead chicken?

Oh. This dead chicken.

Father,
I hate to admit it,

and I hate myself
for doing it,

but I've dabbled
in the occult.

I see. Still, that doesn'tseem strange from you.

You don't understand.
I put this in this,

and wham! I gave
Colonel Lacy
appendicitis.

But I didn't mean to.

It was meant
for Colonel Potter.

Please, you've gotta
take this from me

before I injure somebody else.

Klinger, that wasjust a coincidence.

But if it'll make youfeel better.

Everything but the chicken.

Oh, okay. I'll give that
back to the cook.

[theme music playing]