M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 7, Episode 25 - The Party - full transcript
Even while the camp is bugging out (and back), B.J. promotes the idea of a stateside "reunion" for the families of those at the 4077th.
[theme music playing]
Last call for coffee
before it hardens.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Just pour it on a toweland apply it to my face.
How long were wein there, Radar?
Seven hours and 41 men, sir.
12 of whom I will operate onagain and again in my dreams.
You think we got troubles?
Peg burned a batchof strawberry jam
and ruined the stove.
This rotten war.
My mom makes jam
all the time.
She puts something
special in it
so it won't burn.
Find out what she does.I'll write Peg.
Please phone. I cannot
endure the suspense.
Mildred's a whizat preserves.
She puts up akumquat-huckleberry combo
that is so delicious,
it makes you wishyou were a slice of bread.
Maybe you could getMrs. Potter
to send me the recipe.
Peg can use allthe help she can get.
Here. Make it simple.
Have Peg
write Mildred direct.
-Ah.-She can write my mom too.
Now we're cookin'.
While all you Dagwoods
write to Blondie,
I'm going to bed.
[Radar sighs]
A little thinglike Peg making contact
with Radar's momand Potter's wife,
I'm wide awake.
Yeah. They'll get to know
each other, and then,
someday, if we ever
have a reunion,
they won't have
to wear red carnations.
I'll wear one, though,
'cause I think Charles
is gonna forget me.
Thank you. I wouldn't wantto ignore the wrong person.
I can just see allof us 10 years from nowsitting at a reunion.
Yeah. The war's been
over for a month.
We've all got gray hair.
Charles has his in a box.
Wait a minute.Why wait 10 years?
Why not avoid the rushand have a reunion now?
I realize I'm tired,
but why do we need
a reunion
if we're all sitting
in the same room together?
No, no. Not us.
Our families.
We get 'em together
from all over the States--
Oh, this is great.
They come to New York
or some place,
have this big dinner,
and we could--
This is terrific!
They can have pictures
of all of us--
you know, enlargementsat every place setting.
Except for Charles. We don'twant to spoil their appetite.
Ah, ha-ha-ha.
All we have to do is get
'em together by mail,
and then,
in a month or so,
they'll all
be sitting around
laughing
and swappin' stories
about how much
they miss us
and cryin' their eyes out.
Sounds like a wonderfulevening.
What are we waiting for?
Here. Drop a line
to your dad.
Do you realizewhat time it is?
It's a quarter to dead.
Here.
You too, Charles.
It won't be any goodunless everybody does it.
Don't be absurd.
My parents have
accumulated
huge amounts
of wherewithal
for the express purpose
of associating
exclusively
with their own kind.
Good night.
Oh, and shut up.
Look, I don't wannadisappoint you, Beej,
but my father hasn't leftCrabapple Cove in 40 years.
Most of his patientshe delivered himself.
He's just too protectiveto leave them,
even for a couple of days.
Yo! Before you sirsgo to sleep, wake up.
The Chinese have brokenthrough the lines.
Everybody's pullin' back,and we're buggin' out of here.
No, no, no, no.I'm not goin' anywhere.
I'm gonna lie right here witha detour sign on my back.
Come on, Hawkeye.
Geez, we gotta get
all the wounded out.
We gotta load the equipmentin the trucks and everything!
Geez. Come on, Major!
What?
Where are we going?
Colonel Potter still hasn'tfound it on the map.
Oh. There.
Why don't they justissue us Chinese uniforms
so we can get some sleep?
Hey, Radar, when you writeyour mother about the jam,
tell her we'reorganizing this big partyfor all our relatives.
What's the matter
with you guys?
We're buggin' out of here.
Yeah. Good. Listen.
They'll all get together
in New York
and have this big dinner.
I don't believe it!The Chinese are comin'!
Then we betterorder more food.
Will you let
your mother know?
-I will if you'll move it!-Deal.
Boy. The things
I gotta go through
to organize
a simple party.
This one's next!
What do you think, Father?
This reunion'sa great idea, isn't it?
Yes. The warmth,
the mutual support.
Why, it would be just
wonderful for them
to get together.
Suppose you couldspring your sister
from the conventfor a weekend?
For this, no problem.
If you like, she could
bring along her saxophone
and provide a little
musical entertainment.
She really wails
on "Stardust."
She's got the gig.
-Davis.
-I can't believe this!
The only two vein graft
clamps in the unit,
and they're tossed
in here like
ordinary junk!
So what do you think,
Margaret?
About what?
The family reunion?
Oh. Sounds fine.
Look. I want this equipment
sorted carefully.
And hurry! The Chinese
will be here by dawn!
You think they'll come?
Of course they will.
They just broke
through the lines.
-Your parents, to the reunion.-I doubt it.
You just saidit was a great idea.
Captain,
I'm trying to pack.
Why won't they come?They'd love it, wouldn't they?
I don't know. Maybe.
I don't know.
So write 'em.
See what they say.
Do you mind if I
finish packing first?
-No. No. Of course not.-Thank you.
Look, Captain, my folks
won't go to this party.
It's not
their kind of thing.
Throw me those cabbages,
will you?
Phew, the green ones.
You worried they'll find outyou wear women's clothes?
Are you kidding?
My uncle got out
of World War II this way.
Keeps sending me pieces
of his wardrobe.
What love that man has for me.
What's the problem?Your folks are warm people.
They'd love to meetour relatives.
Look. They don't
speak English.
And I guarantee you nobodyeven there speaks Arabic,
which leaves eating
and smiling at each other.
They must know someonewho speaks both.
Yeah, my uncle Abdul.
So invite him along.
He can translate for
the Winchesters too.
-Well, maybe.
-No maybe.
You're down for a yes.
Klinger, you're gonnahave to come up
with 200 poundsof chipped ice, pronto.
-Colonel--
-200 pounds?
What am I, a glacier?
Just make sure thosewhole blood containers
-are packed with it.
-Uh, Colonel, Colonel,
I got this great idea:
a reunion, all our
folks back home.
Those boys have to bethe first out.
-On my way.
-Ice. I want ice.
I'm not your waiter,but I'll see what I can do.
Be sure to keep his spineimmobile.
One good bump on the road,it's bye-bye backbone.
Maybe you can strap him
to that board
and sling it
like a hammock.
He'll sway,
but he won't bounce.
Yeah. Good. With any luck,he'll only get carsick.
How'd we do, son?
Huh? Oh, pretty good.
Just some light damage.
-A couple of bottles
of plasma broke.
-Uh-huh.
And some
bourbon ones too.
What do you mean,light damage? Watch it!
Radar, get some morelanterns on this path.
-We got enough broken bones.-Yes, sir.
Okay. Get him out of here.Take him inside.
No leg reflex. His cordmay have been damaged.
You had to move him.
There was no choice.
Just what he needed, a ridethrough the countrysidefor his health.
At least he's still alive.
If it weren't for you,he would have died yesterday.
Yeah.Some favor I did him.
Ah. What wonderful memoriesthis conjures up.
When I was in premed,
I worked part-time
for a moving company.
I could pack a 30-piece setof china in 10 minutes flat--
less if they didn't mind
having a 60-piece set.
I seem to be doing
a solo here.
-You wanna help with this?-Huh?
I never learned howto make hospital corners.
Oh, yeah.
Boy, I'm just radiant,
aren't I?
Well, look,
it's hard movinginto a new neighborhood.
Especially if you're a kid
with a damaged cord.
New cripple on the block.
What about
the Hunnicutt Hoedown?
[sigh]
Why don't you concentrateon the reunion for a while?
Come on. Who's kidding who?
All we got is a definitepossibility of a firm maybe.
What happened to
the life of the party?
What party?
So far, Charlesis an absolute no,
Klinger and Margaretare a "we'll see,"
and you're a confirmed"I doubt it."
You sorta care a lot about
this thing, don't you?
I don't care about anything.
Well, I think I'll gocheck out the neighborhood.
You know, find outwhere the supermarket is,
see if there's
a good dry cleaners.
It's always exiting
the first day.
Father, what do you think
of purgatory so far?
I don't know about us,
but these eggs havecertainly been through hell.
Morning, Major.
Morning, sir.
Morning, Father.
All the woundedfinally get tucked in?
Yeah, they're all
fine, Colonel,
except for Captain
Hunnicutt's patient.
Yeah.I had Radar call Tokyo.
The neurosurgeonwill be waiting for himat the 121st tomorrow.
Good morning, pilgrims.
I wonder if we might have
a brief town meeting.
-A what kind of meeting?-I'll handle this.
You just take the minutes.
Uh, care to join us,
Captain Standoffish?
Well, make it fast, sir.
I'm working on a barbecuefor lunch: rack of Spam.
Huh. Fly à la mode
for dessert.
I'll be brief.
At this moment,
B.J. is sitting in his
spacious new quarters
with a depression that goes
right through the floor.
We'll ship his spinal caseout of here tomorrow.
That's the best we can do.
That's only half
his problem.
Oh, not that ridiculous
party again.
Spoken like a true
weak link, Charles.
Now look, folks. This party
is very important to B.J.
He's already got a patient
who can't feel anything.
He doesn't need friends
who can't feel, either.
Pass out the paper
and pencils, Radar.
With fly à la modefor dessert.
Memorize the rest,
huh?
Captain,my folks won't come!
POTTER: Not if you don't
ask 'em, they won't.
Look, it's very easy.
Let me show you how.
Watch. Dear Dad.
-[chatter]
-Write!
Colonel, I love what you've
done with this room,
and in just three
endless weeks.
Yeah. Now, if the mailwould just find us,
this canvas cottagewould be real homey.
[phone rings]
At least someone
knows where we are.
4077 Gypsies.
Colonel Potter? Oh, yeah.
The short, gray-haired
guy with the earring.
One minute.
-General Imbrie.
-Gimme that.
General, how niceof you to call.
Yeah. The placeis really takin' shape.
Well, General, I appreciateyour calling me in person.
If someone else told me that,I wouldn't believe it.
No, sir. Ha ha!No apology is necessary.
[inhales]
Good-bye.
I don't believe it!
I do. What are we
in for now?
We have to move back.We're buggin' out again.
Why don't they justissue us a calliope?
We can travelfrom town to town.
The front shifted again.
They retook that same,
tiny piece of land.
It's back to square one.
Sirs, I guess they found us.The first mail's here.
We'll read it later.We're buggin' out. Let's move.
"I love the idea of a party.It sounds great, Francis."
Ha ha! I love that."Francis."
You wouldn't expect a sisterto call her brother "Father."
"Just tell me the date,
"and I'll be therewith starch in my wimple
and a song in my sax."
-[laughter]
-"Love, Sis."
Well, the band is set.
I doubt that there'll be
a doctor in the house.
"Dear Ben, I'm delightedat the prospect of meeting
"the wives and parentsof the people you work with
"and a little disappointedthat you wouldn't think
"I'd drop everythingto be there.
"You're right. I am sort ofparticular about the bodies
of all these soulsI brought into the world..."
"but I guess I'm more partial
"to the son I broughtinto this world.
I'll be there with bells on."
It's funny. I always thoughthis patients came first.
How about you, Major?
Aren't you gonna
read your letter?
I already know
what the answer is.
So did I. Come on.Take a peek.
I've been trying to avoidthis from the start.
[paper rustling]
My parents have beenseparated for over a year.
They're not gonna want to faceall those people together.
I'm sorry, Margaret.I didn't know that.
-[banging]
-Father, what is it
with these bumps?
You're a priest,not a stripper.
I'm sorry, Hawkeye.
I know there's a road
among these potholes
somewhere.
What'd they say,Margaret?
Well, they say...
they certainly can putaside their differences
for one weekend--
[sniffle]--
and that I mean more
to them than anything.
Parents.
Just when you got 'em pegged,
they turn around and show youhow much they love you.
[banging]
[yelp]
Go! Ride 'em, cowboy!
[laughing] Ah, what
does she say, Colonel?
She couldn't be more tickled
if she swalloweda feather duster.
"Ellie Whitsett's evenmakin' me a new dress, Sherm.
I'm trading herbanjo lessons for it."
Mildred picksa hell of a banjo.
Oh, yeah?
Say, she andFather Mulcahy's sister
could get together and--
Of course, I don't think
Mildredknows any popular stuff.
She plays mostlyclassical banjo.
Mm.
How 'bout you? You want meto read yours for you?
Nah. You wouldn't be
able to. It's in Arabic.
Oh. Sure is apretty-lookin' language.
Whoa! Ooh!
Keep your grimy handson the wheel!
Look, I'm sorry, Major.
The tires won't stay
on the road!
Come on. What did
my mom have to say?
Only if you keepyour eyes straight ahead.
-Okay.
-All right.
"Dear Walter"-- [scoffs]--
"Your uncle Ed and me
were real excitedabout the get-together."
-Ha!-"We love the whole 'idear'."
Hey, that's great.
Lord, this grammaris atrocious.
First of all, it should be"Your uncle Ed and I
are very excited"or "terribly excited."
We won't even discuss"idear."
Major, you don't have
to translate for me.
That's how she talks
when she writes.
Uh, anyway, they"intends to come."
Gee, isn't that terrific?Uh, what else did she say?
Well, there's somethinghere of a personal nature
having to do withthe sexual antics
of one of your farm animals.
Ha ha! That's Randy.
He's our goat.
Apparently he triedto "kiss a turkey."
Uh, Major, maybe you betterput that letter in my pocket.
I think that's best.
What do your parents say?
Uh, well, I'm surethey can't top Randy,
but this should begood for a laugh.
Try not to take any of thispersonally, Corporal.
I do not believe my eyes.
"We thought it mightbe an interestingexperience to attend"?
They're going.They're actually going!
Ha ha ha!
"Certainly not much to keep usin Palm Beach this season.
"The weather is vile.
"Chaz and Buffy Sprinsockhave been blotto
"since the day we got here.
"We do think we oughtto meet the families
"of those who are right now
the most importantpeople in your life"?
I do not believe this.
-Corporal.
-What?
-Corporal!
-What? What? What?
-Look out!
-[yells]
Sorry, sir.
Captain,
we just got a signal
-from the truck behind us.-Yeah?
They've been passing the newsall up and down the convoy.
They want to go.
Your party's on.
-You're kidding? Hey!
-[laughs]
Kellye, set up that
sling right away.
All right, folks.
I know we're up to our kneesin disaster here,
but back home we've gotarmfuls of relatives
just waiting
to celebrate for us.
All we have to do
is set a date.
The most appropriate oneI can think of
is Valentine's Day,
February 14th.
Valentine's Day? Delightful.
They can all meetin a garage in Chicago.
Sir? Sir, the 121st Evac
just called,
and Dr. Monroe up there
just operated on your
spinal patient.
-Is he all right?-He's better than all right.He's terrific.
Dr. Monroe says
in a couple months,
he ought to be able
to feel the fuzz
on a picture of a peach.
-Ya-ha-ha-hoo!
-Hunnicutt, be quiet.
You're coming rightthrough this man's heart.
I'm not gonnabe quiet, Charles.
I'm gonna howl!I'm gonna celebrate!
I'm gonna bay at the moon,
and so is everybody elsearound here!
We've got a date--February 14th!
February 14th is impossible.
-[groaning, protesting]
-What do you mean?
No. I was willing to go alongwith this cheap sentimentality
because my parentswere mildly interested,
but I'm sorry to tell you
that my fathermust attend a meeting
of the Board of Overseersat Harvard on that weekend,
and it's out of the questionfor them to attend. [laughs]
[chatter]
How about another weekend?
What about the weekend
of the 21st?
Is there anybody whocan't make it the 21st?
-Fine with Mildred.
-Okay with me.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
The finals of the DavenportMidwinter Cattle Competition
are on the 20th
and the 21st.
My mom and Uncle Ed are
entering Edna's calf,
-so they have to go.
-[chatter]
She's just a little
baby calf.
You don't expect her
to go by herself?
You're gonna
hold up our reunion
because of a dumb cow?
Hey, listen. This
is my reunion too,
and Edna's calf
is not dumb.
All right. Let's notget into personalities.
How about March 1st?That's a nice round number.
-Good for me.-Anybody have any problemwith March 1st?
[chatter]
All right. That's settled.
-March 1st is it.
-[strikes table]
Uh, I'm afraid March 1stis out of the question.
-Why?
-Oh, Father.
Un-Unfortunately,
my sister's basketball
team at the convent
won first place
in their division.
-Terrific.
-On March 1st,
she'll be knocking them outat the play-offs
with her fade-away hook.
She could be named
Most Valuable Sister.
[chatter]
This is dragging out
longer than the war.
-Sorry.-Well, we'll find another--
-What about March 8th?
-That's fine.
Nope, nope, nope, nope.
Our grandson Corey hashis birthday on the 7th.
Mildred'll be in St. Louis
that weekend.
This'll be the big
number 5 for him.
-That's half a decade.
-[chatter]
Folks, folks, we're
running low on March.
-How about the 15th?
-[chatter]
Okay. All right.
The Ides have it.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.-Et tu, "Brutess"?
My father meets withhis old regiment
annually every thirdMonday in March.
They've been doing itfor 30 years.
-He refuses to miss it.-Oh, great.
Okay. Let's
push it up again.
-How about Halloween 1960?-[chattering]
Listen. Does anybody haveany objection to March 21st?
I don't know how to say this,but March 21st is impossible.
[protesting]
That's the weekendPeg takes the exam
for her real estatebroker's license.
She's been studyingfor it for a long time.
I just can't ask herto drop it.
-[arguing]
-All right. All right.
All right. Before youget out the rope,
she sent me a listof alternative dates.
The next weekendis clear for her.
-That would be March 28th.-[Charles muttering]
Check your lists.
Does anybody havea problem on March 28th?
You mean we're in?
-Bingo!
-[cheering]
All right. All right.
Now, in 15 minutes,
we meet out in front
of the signpost.
We'll take a picture that theycan blow up big as life--
everybody with
a big, cheesy grin,
pointing toward home.
Then, on March 28th,
the people we love
will get together
for one gigantic hug!
[cheering, hooting]
[scatting]
You're not actually gonna
wear that, are you?
I didn't comeall the way to Korea
to have my picture takenin a soldier suit.
Captains, we gotta takethat picture someplace else,
anywhere but the signpost.
-What do you mean?
-Klinger,
the signpost shows ourfamilies how much we miss 'em,
how far we are from where
we really want to be.
All right, then,my parents can't come!
-What?-Wait a minute. What? Why?
It's my mother.She doesn't know I'm here.
She doesn't know
you're in Korea?
She thinks I'm in New Jersey.
I told her I was at Fort Dix.
I didn't want her to worry.
Every day she'd wake upwith the fear I was gonna die.
All this time she thought
you were in New Jersey?
Like I said,she doesn't speak English.
All she knows iswhat the family tells her.
When I was stationedat Fort Dix,
I took almost a hundredsnapshots of myself.
I've been sending 'emto her every month:
you know, meat the Fort Dix motor pool,
me peeling Fort Dix potatoes,
me getting thrown out ofthe Fort Dix Officers' Club.
Wait a minute.
Klinger, I think
I know a way around this.
[thinking] At long last it's in your hands, Peg.
On March 28th,
I'll be picturing you
in Manhattan
at the Pierre Hotel.
Have a great time.
Just make sure nobody
says the word "Korea"
when they're standing
next to Mrs. Klinger.
Hug each other for us,
the way we wish we could be hugging you ourselves.
I love you very much.
HAWKEYE:
Margaret, rib spreader.
A chest full of shrapnel.
How's that for a present
from the Easter Bunny?
Sirs? Sirs and everybody,
I got a whole bunchof letters here,
and they're all on stationeryfrom the Pierre Hotel.
[cheering]
-Read one out loud, Radar.-Who's first?
We owe this moment to B.J.
Why don't you read Peg'sfirst? Is that okay. B.J.?
That is so okay
like you can't believe.
-"My Darling"---We know you like him, Radar.
-Read the letter.
-Aw, come on.
"It's 4:00 in the morning,
"and the party just broke upa few minutes ago.
"No one wanted it to end.
"We huggedand hung on to each other
"by the elevators for hours
"before we finally
said good night.
"We love you
and miss you so much.
"We felt as if we'd knownone another all our lives.
"Everyone hadthe most wonderful time.
"Mr. And Mrs. Winchesterwere the hit of the party.
"We all cleared the dance floorwhen they did the Charleston
"with Radar's mother
and Uncle Ed.
"In fact, the Winchesters wereso taken with the O'Reillys
"that they invited
Radar and his family
"to visit them attheir house on the Cape
the first summerhe gets home from Korea."
-Holy cow!
-Ha ha ha!
Hunnicutt, you're
to blame for this.
"Father Mulcahy's
Sister Angelica
"had the joint jumping
with her saxophone.
"Margaret Houlihan's
mother and father
had a wonderful time.
"They danced the whole
evening together.
"Hawkeye's father tooka real shine to Mrs. Potter.
"They danced all
the waltzes together
and even had a go atthe Lindy once or twice."
Pierce, if your fatheris anything like you,
we're gonna have to havea long, long talk about this.
"I guess the most
touching moment
"was when I saw Mrs. Klinger
"looking at the picture of allof you under the Fort Dix sign.
"There were tears in her eyes
"when she told methrough her brother Abdul
"that you didn't
have to bother.
"She'd known all along thather son was really in Korea,
"But she wouldn't let on
"because she didn't wanthim to worry about her.
So you'd better not
tell Klinger."
Ooh. Gee. I'm sorry.
I guess I shouldn't
have read that part.
That's okay, kid.
Boy, I could never
fool her on anything.
-Hey, Klinger.
-Yeah?
Welcome to Korea.
"Tomorrow we're all gonnahave lunch at the Automat."
-Oh, wow! I always
wanted to do that.
-[Hawkeye Chuckles]
"And then to a Broadwaymusical. And then"--
Hey, listen to this!
"...the hotel is treating usto a good-bye dinner."
-Hey.
-[Chatter]
"The maltre d' says there'llbe flowers on every table."
I gotta hand it to me.That was some idea I had.
I wonder if they give
a Nobel Prize for parties.
Um, oh, excuse me,
sirs.
I just need
to, uh, talk
to Major Winchester
just for a minute.
Is that okay with you,Major?
Be brief and be gone.
Yeah. Well, um,I was just thinking.
You know, there's a lot of talknow about the peace talks,
and, uh, gee, you know,
if they should declare peacearound May or June,
well, you know, that's, uh,my first summer after the war.
Mm. So?
Well, so, uh, maybewe should start planning
about you and meand our families
getting togetherat the Cape of Cod.
What?
Absolutely!
Let's work this out.
Radar, how many roomswill you need?
Uh, well, I think my mothershould have a room of her own,
but, uh, my uncle Edand me could share one.
Or I could sleepon a couch or something.
Is there anythingthey can bring, Charles?
Extra blankets?
Pots and pans?
-Bathing suits.
-Of course.
And towels. You haveenough towels, Charles?
Oh, sure. We could bring extratowels. That's no problem.
Bring anything you want.
Bring your goat.
Makes no difference to me'cause I shan't be there.
I'm turning myself in
to the Chinese.
[theme music playing]
Last call for coffee
before it hardens.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Just pour it on a toweland apply it to my face.
How long were wein there, Radar?
Seven hours and 41 men, sir.
12 of whom I will operate onagain and again in my dreams.
You think we got troubles?
Peg burned a batchof strawberry jam
and ruined the stove.
This rotten war.
My mom makes jam
all the time.
She puts something
special in it
so it won't burn.
Find out what she does.I'll write Peg.
Please phone. I cannot
endure the suspense.
Mildred's a whizat preserves.
She puts up akumquat-huckleberry combo
that is so delicious,
it makes you wishyou were a slice of bread.
Maybe you could getMrs. Potter
to send me the recipe.
Peg can use allthe help she can get.
Here. Make it simple.
Have Peg
write Mildred direct.
-Ah.-She can write my mom too.
Now we're cookin'.
While all you Dagwoods
write to Blondie,
I'm going to bed.
[Radar sighs]
A little thinglike Peg making contact
with Radar's momand Potter's wife,
I'm wide awake.
Yeah. They'll get to know
each other, and then,
someday, if we ever
have a reunion,
they won't have
to wear red carnations.
I'll wear one, though,
'cause I think Charles
is gonna forget me.
Thank you. I wouldn't wantto ignore the wrong person.
I can just see allof us 10 years from nowsitting at a reunion.
Yeah. The war's been
over for a month.
We've all got gray hair.
Charles has his in a box.
Wait a minute.Why wait 10 years?
Why not avoid the rushand have a reunion now?
I realize I'm tired,
but why do we need
a reunion
if we're all sitting
in the same room together?
No, no. Not us.
Our families.
We get 'em together
from all over the States--
Oh, this is great.
They come to New York
or some place,
have this big dinner,
and we could--
This is terrific!
They can have pictures
of all of us--
you know, enlargementsat every place setting.
Except for Charles. We don'twant to spoil their appetite.
Ah, ha-ha-ha.
All we have to do is get
'em together by mail,
and then,
in a month or so,
they'll all
be sitting around
laughing
and swappin' stories
about how much
they miss us
and cryin' their eyes out.
Sounds like a wonderfulevening.
What are we waiting for?
Here. Drop a line
to your dad.
Do you realizewhat time it is?
It's a quarter to dead.
Here.
You too, Charles.
It won't be any goodunless everybody does it.
Don't be absurd.
My parents have
accumulated
huge amounts
of wherewithal
for the express purpose
of associating
exclusively
with their own kind.
Good night.
Oh, and shut up.
Look, I don't wannadisappoint you, Beej,
but my father hasn't leftCrabapple Cove in 40 years.
Most of his patientshe delivered himself.
He's just too protectiveto leave them,
even for a couple of days.
Yo! Before you sirsgo to sleep, wake up.
The Chinese have brokenthrough the lines.
Everybody's pullin' back,and we're buggin' out of here.
No, no, no, no.I'm not goin' anywhere.
I'm gonna lie right here witha detour sign on my back.
Come on, Hawkeye.
Geez, we gotta get
all the wounded out.
We gotta load the equipmentin the trucks and everything!
Geez. Come on, Major!
What?
Where are we going?
Colonel Potter still hasn'tfound it on the map.
Oh. There.
Why don't they justissue us Chinese uniforms
so we can get some sleep?
Hey, Radar, when you writeyour mother about the jam,
tell her we'reorganizing this big partyfor all our relatives.
What's the matter
with you guys?
We're buggin' out of here.
Yeah. Good. Listen.
They'll all get together
in New York
and have this big dinner.
I don't believe it!The Chinese are comin'!
Then we betterorder more food.
Will you let
your mother know?
-I will if you'll move it!-Deal.
Boy. The things
I gotta go through
to organize
a simple party.
This one's next!
What do you think, Father?
This reunion'sa great idea, isn't it?
Yes. The warmth,
the mutual support.
Why, it would be just
wonderful for them
to get together.
Suppose you couldspring your sister
from the conventfor a weekend?
For this, no problem.
If you like, she could
bring along her saxophone
and provide a little
musical entertainment.
She really wails
on "Stardust."
She's got the gig.
-Davis.
-I can't believe this!
The only two vein graft
clamps in the unit,
and they're tossed
in here like
ordinary junk!
So what do you think,
Margaret?
About what?
The family reunion?
Oh. Sounds fine.
Look. I want this equipment
sorted carefully.
And hurry! The Chinese
will be here by dawn!
You think they'll come?
Of course they will.
They just broke
through the lines.
-Your parents, to the reunion.-I doubt it.
You just saidit was a great idea.
Captain,
I'm trying to pack.
Why won't they come?They'd love it, wouldn't they?
I don't know. Maybe.
I don't know.
So write 'em.
See what they say.
Do you mind if I
finish packing first?
-No. No. Of course not.-Thank you.
Look, Captain, my folks
won't go to this party.
It's not
their kind of thing.
Throw me those cabbages,
will you?
Phew, the green ones.
You worried they'll find outyou wear women's clothes?
Are you kidding?
My uncle got out
of World War II this way.
Keeps sending me pieces
of his wardrobe.
What love that man has for me.
What's the problem?Your folks are warm people.
They'd love to meetour relatives.
Look. They don't
speak English.
And I guarantee you nobodyeven there speaks Arabic,
which leaves eating
and smiling at each other.
They must know someonewho speaks both.
Yeah, my uncle Abdul.
So invite him along.
He can translate for
the Winchesters too.
-Well, maybe.
-No maybe.
You're down for a yes.
Klinger, you're gonnahave to come up
with 200 poundsof chipped ice, pronto.
-Colonel--
-200 pounds?
What am I, a glacier?
Just make sure thosewhole blood containers
-are packed with it.
-Uh, Colonel, Colonel,
I got this great idea:
a reunion, all our
folks back home.
Those boys have to bethe first out.
-On my way.
-Ice. I want ice.
I'm not your waiter,but I'll see what I can do.
Be sure to keep his spineimmobile.
One good bump on the road,it's bye-bye backbone.
Maybe you can strap him
to that board
and sling it
like a hammock.
He'll sway,
but he won't bounce.
Yeah. Good. With any luck,he'll only get carsick.
How'd we do, son?
Huh? Oh, pretty good.
Just some light damage.
-A couple of bottles
of plasma broke.
-Uh-huh.
And some
bourbon ones too.
What do you mean,light damage? Watch it!
Radar, get some morelanterns on this path.
-We got enough broken bones.-Yes, sir.
Okay. Get him out of here.Take him inside.
No leg reflex. His cordmay have been damaged.
You had to move him.
There was no choice.
Just what he needed, a ridethrough the countrysidefor his health.
At least he's still alive.
If it weren't for you,he would have died yesterday.
Yeah.Some favor I did him.
Ah. What wonderful memoriesthis conjures up.
When I was in premed,
I worked part-time
for a moving company.
I could pack a 30-piece setof china in 10 minutes flat--
less if they didn't mind
having a 60-piece set.
I seem to be doing
a solo here.
-You wanna help with this?-Huh?
I never learned howto make hospital corners.
Oh, yeah.
Boy, I'm just radiant,
aren't I?
Well, look,
it's hard movinginto a new neighborhood.
Especially if you're a kid
with a damaged cord.
New cripple on the block.
What about
the Hunnicutt Hoedown?
[sigh]
Why don't you concentrateon the reunion for a while?
Come on. Who's kidding who?
All we got is a definitepossibility of a firm maybe.
What happened to
the life of the party?
What party?
So far, Charlesis an absolute no,
Klinger and Margaretare a "we'll see,"
and you're a confirmed"I doubt it."
You sorta care a lot about
this thing, don't you?
I don't care about anything.
Well, I think I'll gocheck out the neighborhood.
You know, find outwhere the supermarket is,
see if there's
a good dry cleaners.
It's always exiting
the first day.
Father, what do you think
of purgatory so far?
I don't know about us,
but these eggs havecertainly been through hell.
Morning, Major.
Morning, sir.
Morning, Father.
All the woundedfinally get tucked in?
Yeah, they're all
fine, Colonel,
except for Captain
Hunnicutt's patient.
Yeah.I had Radar call Tokyo.
The neurosurgeonwill be waiting for himat the 121st tomorrow.
Good morning, pilgrims.
I wonder if we might have
a brief town meeting.
-A what kind of meeting?-I'll handle this.
You just take the minutes.
Uh, care to join us,
Captain Standoffish?
Well, make it fast, sir.
I'm working on a barbecuefor lunch: rack of Spam.
Huh. Fly à la mode
for dessert.
I'll be brief.
At this moment,
B.J. is sitting in his
spacious new quarters
with a depression that goes
right through the floor.
We'll ship his spinal caseout of here tomorrow.
That's the best we can do.
That's only half
his problem.
Oh, not that ridiculous
party again.
Spoken like a true
weak link, Charles.
Now look, folks. This party
is very important to B.J.
He's already got a patient
who can't feel anything.
He doesn't need friends
who can't feel, either.
Pass out the paper
and pencils, Radar.
With fly à la modefor dessert.
Memorize the rest,
huh?
Captain,my folks won't come!
POTTER: Not if you don't
ask 'em, they won't.
Look, it's very easy.
Let me show you how.
Watch. Dear Dad.
-[chatter]
-Write!
Colonel, I love what you've
done with this room,
and in just three
endless weeks.
Yeah. Now, if the mailwould just find us,
this canvas cottagewould be real homey.
[phone rings]
At least someone
knows where we are.
4077 Gypsies.
Colonel Potter? Oh, yeah.
The short, gray-haired
guy with the earring.
One minute.
-General Imbrie.
-Gimme that.
General, how niceof you to call.
Yeah. The placeis really takin' shape.
Well, General, I appreciateyour calling me in person.
If someone else told me that,I wouldn't believe it.
No, sir. Ha ha!No apology is necessary.
[inhales]
Good-bye.
I don't believe it!
I do. What are we
in for now?
We have to move back.We're buggin' out again.
Why don't they justissue us a calliope?
We can travelfrom town to town.
The front shifted again.
They retook that same,
tiny piece of land.
It's back to square one.
Sirs, I guess they found us.The first mail's here.
We'll read it later.We're buggin' out. Let's move.
"I love the idea of a party.It sounds great, Francis."
Ha ha! I love that."Francis."
You wouldn't expect a sisterto call her brother "Father."
"Just tell me the date,
"and I'll be therewith starch in my wimple
and a song in my sax."
-[laughter]
-"Love, Sis."
Well, the band is set.
I doubt that there'll be
a doctor in the house.
"Dear Ben, I'm delightedat the prospect of meeting
"the wives and parentsof the people you work with
"and a little disappointedthat you wouldn't think
"I'd drop everythingto be there.
"You're right. I am sort ofparticular about the bodies
of all these soulsI brought into the world..."
"but I guess I'm more partial
"to the son I broughtinto this world.
I'll be there with bells on."
It's funny. I always thoughthis patients came first.
How about you, Major?
Aren't you gonna
read your letter?
I already know
what the answer is.
So did I. Come on.Take a peek.
I've been trying to avoidthis from the start.
[paper rustling]
My parents have beenseparated for over a year.
They're not gonna want to faceall those people together.
I'm sorry, Margaret.I didn't know that.
-[banging]
-Father, what is it
with these bumps?
You're a priest,not a stripper.
I'm sorry, Hawkeye.
I know there's a road
among these potholes
somewhere.
What'd they say,Margaret?
Well, they say...
they certainly can putaside their differences
for one weekend--
[sniffle]--
and that I mean more
to them than anything.
Parents.
Just when you got 'em pegged,
they turn around and show youhow much they love you.
[banging]
[yelp]
Go! Ride 'em, cowboy!
[laughing] Ah, what
does she say, Colonel?
She couldn't be more tickled
if she swalloweda feather duster.
"Ellie Whitsett's evenmakin' me a new dress, Sherm.
I'm trading herbanjo lessons for it."
Mildred picksa hell of a banjo.
Oh, yeah?
Say, she andFather Mulcahy's sister
could get together and--
Of course, I don't think
Mildredknows any popular stuff.
She plays mostlyclassical banjo.
Mm.
How 'bout you? You want meto read yours for you?
Nah. You wouldn't be
able to. It's in Arabic.
Oh. Sure is apretty-lookin' language.
Whoa! Ooh!
Keep your grimy handson the wheel!
Look, I'm sorry, Major.
The tires won't stay
on the road!
Come on. What did
my mom have to say?
Only if you keepyour eyes straight ahead.
-Okay.
-All right.
"Dear Walter"-- [scoffs]--
"Your uncle Ed and me
were real excitedabout the get-together."
-Ha!-"We love the whole 'idear'."
Hey, that's great.
Lord, this grammaris atrocious.
First of all, it should be"Your uncle Ed and I
are very excited"or "terribly excited."
We won't even discuss"idear."
Major, you don't have
to translate for me.
That's how she talks
when she writes.
Uh, anyway, they"intends to come."
Gee, isn't that terrific?Uh, what else did she say?
Well, there's somethinghere of a personal nature
having to do withthe sexual antics
of one of your farm animals.
Ha ha! That's Randy.
He's our goat.
Apparently he triedto "kiss a turkey."
Uh, Major, maybe you betterput that letter in my pocket.
I think that's best.
What do your parents say?
Uh, well, I'm surethey can't top Randy,
but this should begood for a laugh.
Try not to take any of thispersonally, Corporal.
I do not believe my eyes.
"We thought it mightbe an interestingexperience to attend"?
They're going.They're actually going!
Ha ha ha!
"Certainly not much to keep usin Palm Beach this season.
"The weather is vile.
"Chaz and Buffy Sprinsockhave been blotto
"since the day we got here.
"We do think we oughtto meet the families
"of those who are right now
the most importantpeople in your life"?
I do not believe this.
-Corporal.
-What?
-Corporal!
-What? What? What?
-Look out!
-[yells]
Sorry, sir.
Captain,
we just got a signal
-from the truck behind us.-Yeah?
They've been passing the newsall up and down the convoy.
They want to go.
Your party's on.
-You're kidding? Hey!
-[laughs]
Kellye, set up that
sling right away.
All right, folks.
I know we're up to our kneesin disaster here,
but back home we've gotarmfuls of relatives
just waiting
to celebrate for us.
All we have to do
is set a date.
The most appropriate oneI can think of
is Valentine's Day,
February 14th.
Valentine's Day? Delightful.
They can all meetin a garage in Chicago.
Sir? Sir, the 121st Evac
just called,
and Dr. Monroe up there
just operated on your
spinal patient.
-Is he all right?-He's better than all right.He's terrific.
Dr. Monroe says
in a couple months,
he ought to be able
to feel the fuzz
on a picture of a peach.
-Ya-ha-ha-hoo!
-Hunnicutt, be quiet.
You're coming rightthrough this man's heart.
I'm not gonnabe quiet, Charles.
I'm gonna howl!I'm gonna celebrate!
I'm gonna bay at the moon,
and so is everybody elsearound here!
We've got a date--February 14th!
February 14th is impossible.
-[groaning, protesting]
-What do you mean?
No. I was willing to go alongwith this cheap sentimentality
because my parentswere mildly interested,
but I'm sorry to tell you
that my fathermust attend a meeting
of the Board of Overseersat Harvard on that weekend,
and it's out of the questionfor them to attend. [laughs]
[chatter]
How about another weekend?
What about the weekend
of the 21st?
Is there anybody whocan't make it the 21st?
-Fine with Mildred.
-Okay with me.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
The finals of the DavenportMidwinter Cattle Competition
are on the 20th
and the 21st.
My mom and Uncle Ed are
entering Edna's calf,
-so they have to go.
-[chatter]
She's just a little
baby calf.
You don't expect her
to go by herself?
You're gonna
hold up our reunion
because of a dumb cow?
Hey, listen. This
is my reunion too,
and Edna's calf
is not dumb.
All right. Let's notget into personalities.
How about March 1st?That's a nice round number.
-Good for me.-Anybody have any problemwith March 1st?
[chatter]
All right. That's settled.
-March 1st is it.
-[strikes table]
Uh, I'm afraid March 1stis out of the question.
-Why?
-Oh, Father.
Un-Unfortunately,
my sister's basketball
team at the convent
won first place
in their division.
-Terrific.
-On March 1st,
she'll be knocking them outat the play-offs
with her fade-away hook.
She could be named
Most Valuable Sister.
[chatter]
This is dragging out
longer than the war.
-Sorry.-Well, we'll find another--
-What about March 8th?
-That's fine.
Nope, nope, nope, nope.
Our grandson Corey hashis birthday on the 7th.
Mildred'll be in St. Louis
that weekend.
This'll be the big
number 5 for him.
-That's half a decade.
-[chatter]
Folks, folks, we're
running low on March.
-How about the 15th?
-[chatter]
Okay. All right.
The Ides have it.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.-Et tu, "Brutess"?
My father meets withhis old regiment
annually every thirdMonday in March.
They've been doing itfor 30 years.
-He refuses to miss it.-Oh, great.
Okay. Let's
push it up again.
-How about Halloween 1960?-[chattering]
Listen. Does anybody haveany objection to March 21st?
I don't know how to say this,but March 21st is impossible.
[protesting]
That's the weekendPeg takes the exam
for her real estatebroker's license.
She's been studyingfor it for a long time.
I just can't ask herto drop it.
-[arguing]
-All right. All right.
All right. Before youget out the rope,
she sent me a listof alternative dates.
The next weekendis clear for her.
-That would be March 28th.-[Charles muttering]
Check your lists.
Does anybody havea problem on March 28th?
You mean we're in?
-Bingo!
-[cheering]
All right. All right.
Now, in 15 minutes,
we meet out in front
of the signpost.
We'll take a picture that theycan blow up big as life--
everybody with
a big, cheesy grin,
pointing toward home.
Then, on March 28th,
the people we love
will get together
for one gigantic hug!
[cheering, hooting]
[scatting]
You're not actually gonna
wear that, are you?
I didn't comeall the way to Korea
to have my picture takenin a soldier suit.
Captains, we gotta takethat picture someplace else,
anywhere but the signpost.
-What do you mean?
-Klinger,
the signpost shows ourfamilies how much we miss 'em,
how far we are from where
we really want to be.
All right, then,my parents can't come!
-What?-Wait a minute. What? Why?
It's my mother.She doesn't know I'm here.
She doesn't know
you're in Korea?
She thinks I'm in New Jersey.
I told her I was at Fort Dix.
I didn't want her to worry.
Every day she'd wake upwith the fear I was gonna die.
All this time she thought
you were in New Jersey?
Like I said,she doesn't speak English.
All she knows iswhat the family tells her.
When I was stationedat Fort Dix,
I took almost a hundredsnapshots of myself.
I've been sending 'emto her every month:
you know, meat the Fort Dix motor pool,
me peeling Fort Dix potatoes,
me getting thrown out ofthe Fort Dix Officers' Club.
Wait a minute.
Klinger, I think
I know a way around this.
[thinking] At long last it's in your hands, Peg.
On March 28th,
I'll be picturing you
in Manhattan
at the Pierre Hotel.
Have a great time.
Just make sure nobody
says the word "Korea"
when they're standing
next to Mrs. Klinger.
Hug each other for us,
the way we wish we could be hugging you ourselves.
I love you very much.
HAWKEYE:
Margaret, rib spreader.
A chest full of shrapnel.
How's that for a present
from the Easter Bunny?
Sirs? Sirs and everybody,
I got a whole bunchof letters here,
and they're all on stationeryfrom the Pierre Hotel.
[cheering]
-Read one out loud, Radar.-Who's first?
We owe this moment to B.J.
Why don't you read Peg'sfirst? Is that okay. B.J.?
That is so okay
like you can't believe.
-"My Darling"---We know you like him, Radar.
-Read the letter.
-Aw, come on.
"It's 4:00 in the morning,
"and the party just broke upa few minutes ago.
"No one wanted it to end.
"We huggedand hung on to each other
"by the elevators for hours
"before we finally
said good night.
"We love you
and miss you so much.
"We felt as if we'd knownone another all our lives.
"Everyone hadthe most wonderful time.
"Mr. And Mrs. Winchesterwere the hit of the party.
"We all cleared the dance floorwhen they did the Charleston
"with Radar's mother
and Uncle Ed.
"In fact, the Winchesters wereso taken with the O'Reillys
"that they invited
Radar and his family
"to visit them attheir house on the Cape
the first summerhe gets home from Korea."
-Holy cow!
-Ha ha ha!
Hunnicutt, you're
to blame for this.
"Father Mulcahy's
Sister Angelica
"had the joint jumping
with her saxophone.
"Margaret Houlihan's
mother and father
had a wonderful time.
"They danced the whole
evening together.
"Hawkeye's father tooka real shine to Mrs. Potter.
"They danced all
the waltzes together
and even had a go atthe Lindy once or twice."
Pierce, if your fatheris anything like you,
we're gonna have to havea long, long talk about this.
"I guess the most
touching moment
"was when I saw Mrs. Klinger
"looking at the picture of allof you under the Fort Dix sign.
"There were tears in her eyes
"when she told methrough her brother Abdul
"that you didn't
have to bother.
"She'd known all along thather son was really in Korea,
"But she wouldn't let on
"because she didn't wanthim to worry about her.
So you'd better not
tell Klinger."
Ooh. Gee. I'm sorry.
I guess I shouldn't
have read that part.
That's okay, kid.
Boy, I could never
fool her on anything.
-Hey, Klinger.
-Yeah?
Welcome to Korea.
"Tomorrow we're all gonnahave lunch at the Automat."
-Oh, wow! I always
wanted to do that.
-[Hawkeye Chuckles]
"And then to a Broadwaymusical. And then"--
Hey, listen to this!
"...the hotel is treating usto a good-bye dinner."
-Hey.
-[Chatter]
"The maltre d' says there'llbe flowers on every table."
I gotta hand it to me.That was some idea I had.
I wonder if they give
a Nobel Prize for parties.
Um, oh, excuse me,
sirs.
I just need
to, uh, talk
to Major Winchester
just for a minute.
Is that okay with you,Major?
Be brief and be gone.
Yeah. Well, um,I was just thinking.
You know, there's a lot of talknow about the peace talks,
and, uh, gee, you know,
if they should declare peacearound May or June,
well, you know, that's, uh,my first summer after the war.
Mm. So?
Well, so, uh, maybewe should start planning
about you and meand our families
getting togetherat the Cape of Cod.
What?
Absolutely!
Let's work this out.
Radar, how many roomswill you need?
Uh, well, I think my mothershould have a room of her own,
but, uh, my uncle Edand me could share one.
Or I could sleepon a couch or something.
Is there anythingthey can bring, Charles?
Extra blankets?
Pots and pans?
-Bathing suits.
-Of course.
And towels. You haveenough towels, Charles?
Oh, sure. We could bring extratowels. That's no problem.
Bring anything you want.
Bring your goat.
Makes no difference to me'cause I shan't be there.
I'm turning myself in
to the Chinese.
[theme music playing]