M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 7 - Dear Mildred - full transcript

## [Whistling]

Does the colonel wish
to dictate a letter?

No. I was going to write one to my wife.
Our anniversary's coming up shortly.

- Oh. Congratulations, sir.
- Thank you. Are you married, Radar?

No, sir. I'm just a kid.

When you get back home, you ought
to find yourself a nice girl.

First I wanna get a '46 Chevy.

- I've had 27 wonderful years
with Mrs. Potter.
- Oh, yes, sir.

Can't get that kind of mileage
out of a Chevy.

I never ride the clutch, sir.

[Clears Throat]
Finish the daily report?



- Yes, I did, sir.
- Notify the officer of the day?

Done. I've done and did everything
you told me to done and... do, sir.

Relax, Radar.
Smoke if you've got 'em.

I'm just a kid, sir.

Would you like
to clean up the office?

Oh, yes, sir.
That would be nice.

That's... I did...
That's one of my best things.

[Potter's Voice]
"My dearest Mildred..."

"My dearest Mildred. Well,
one more year has rolled around...

"and we are facing another anniversary
away from each other.

"Thanks for the talcum powder.
Took a long walk yesterday
and didn't chafe a lick.

"Tickled to hear
you got your corn removed.

"Wish I were there
to dance with you.

"As for me, I'm still trying
to get used to this outfit.



"It's not easy.
I'm the new kid on the block...

"and they've all got
their own little ways.

"Like my company clerk,
a young boy they call Radar.

"Nice enough,
but... a little squirrelly.

"Of course,
he's been over here a long time.

"As your cousin Natalie said,
and she's been quoted by so many...

- 'War is hell."'
- [Knocking At Door]

- [Out Loud]
Someone's at the door, dear.
- Yes, sir.

- Colonel.
- Major. Major.
- Colonel.

- What can I do you for?
- With... With your permission,
we'd like to take your picture.

- For the unit yearbook, sir.
- I didn't know you had a yearbook.

- Oh, yes. We've had one every year.
- Starting with this one.

What kind of pose
would you like?

- Um, standing.
- Sitting.

- Standing would be better, Major.
- Not sitting?

Standing is very difficult
to do when you're sitting.

Why don't I stand?

Uh, uh...

- An F-4 and a hundredth.
- [Frank] Yes, yes.

Sir, I think it would be better
with a 2.8 and a 1/25th.

Keep your exposures
to yourself! Hold it!

Now a side view.

No, you stay, sir.
He'll move. Move!

Protection.
Protection, yes.

[Laughing]
Neat.

- Thank you, Colonel.
Thank you very much.
- No sweat, I'm sure.

Major. Colonel.

Curious, aren't they?

Just about each other.

Sir, I'm all finished now...
unless you've got some more dirt
I don't know about.

That's all. Were my shirts
delivered by that laundry woman?

She's a little slow, sir.
Her ox is sick.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Sirs!

Um, I was just wondering.

Would you mind taking a picture of me
with your camera?

Neither a borrower
nor a lender be.

Good morning, Radar.

Uh, good morning, Father.

I was just testing
the wind direction.

Ah, it's north.

- How 'bout a date after chow?
They ran out of poodle.
- What would we do?

We could go to the generator shed
and watch the valves go up and down.

- Captain, can I talk to you, sir?
- Just a second, lad.

- There's bird-watching.
- At night?

- Bat watching?
- It's not important, sir.

- Meet me in the Swamp, Radar.
- Oh, thank you, sir.

- Why don't we just go to your tent?
- Uh-uh.

What's the matter?
You live with your folks?

## [Whistling]

## [Whistling Stops]

- You know how to knock, soldier?
- Sure, sir.

[Knocking]

Just traipsing in.

Suppose I'd been engaged
in some top-secret, hush-hush,
confidential activity, huh?

I peeked first to see
if Major Houlihan was here, sir.

You little fink!

- Who's a little fink?
- I am, sir.

You may think it's all right to give
enlisted men free run of our quarters.

- I disapprove.
- I told him to meet me.

Well, who do you think
you are?

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce,
surgeon, U.S. Army involuntary.

- Your hand is filthy.
- I was leaning against a dusty nurse.

For a change.

- Where you goin', Frank?
- That's for me to know
and you to find out.

Witty dog.

- I'm probably responsible
for his leaving.
- Come in more often.

What's up, Radar?

It's Colonel Potter. Gee,
I just can't get relaxed around him.

It's like staying with your aunt
instead of your mother.

You gotta say "please." You can't
dunk your zwieback in your Bosco.

You're not used to him yet, Radar.
Give him time.

Oh, no, no, no!
I spent 15 summers with my aunt.

Always came home
with "hyperaciditity."

Old Henry Blake
was like his father.

Oh, yeah. Taught me everything
about life and everything. Even women.

- I know.
- I can't wait to get home
and try it out.

Give Potter a chance, Radar.
He's okay.

No, no, it's not the same!
It's my aunt all over again.

- Chopper.
- [Man Over P.A. System]
Incoming chopper.

[P.A.]
No wounded. Repeat. No wounded.

Just mail for a few luckies.

- Here you go, Corporal.
- Thank you, sir.

I wanna check the tail rotor cables,
and then y'all got a sharpshooter
around here?

We've got four rifles in this outfit.
And one of them's a reading lamp.

We got a wounded horse up north.
Left there by the Chinese.

I wanna put the critter
out of its misery.

Hey, wait a minute!
You just gonna shoot it?

- I think he's pretty badly hurt.
- Well, you can't do that.

- The animal's probably suffering.
- That doesn't mean you have
to kill it. It's got rights.

- What else can I do?
- These sirs are doctors, sir.
Maybe they can save it.

Come on. I'll go with ya. Would youse,
huh? Please? Pretty please?

- You get the feeling
we're in a Lassie movie?
- Please?

- All right, okay. Will you help us?
- Sure.

[Potter's Voice] "Sorry I had to
leave you for a minute, Mildred dear.

"I walked over from my office
to the mess tent for a cup of joe.

"Can't say much
for the coffee here.

But if I run out of ink,
I'm covered. Ha, ha."

- Colonel?
- Padre. Little coffee break?

Yes, sir.

I've been hearing confessions
all morning. It gets me
right in through here.

- Enjoyed the sermon Sunday.
- Oh, yes. "Do Unto Thy Brother."

You know, you can't miss
if you've got good material.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have to run.

- More confessions?
- Dysentery.

Ah, well,
this too shall pass.

[Potter's Voice] "Excuse me, Mildred.
That was Father Mulcahy.

"You'd like him.
Very dedicated, fine young priest.

"Every once in a while,
he'll surprise the puttees off ya.

The other night,
we were watching a movie."

[Gunshots, Whooping]

- Three-to-one. I'll take the Indians.
- That's a bet. Five bucks.

- What's the name of this picture?
- Custer's Last Stand.

- You're ruinin' my picture!
- [Gunshots Continue]

- [Everyone Groaning]
- [Klinger] Lights.!

- Can you fix it, Corporal?
- I think so, sir.

- Don't you have another picture?
- Just one. A training film.
Fungus of the Feet.

- Starring Fred Astaire.
- How long will it take, Corporal?

- A few minutes, sir.
- [Everyone Groaning]

Patience is
its own reward, folks.

Perhaps, with your permission,
Lieutenant O'Connor and I...

can give you a little preview of
a number we've been rehearsing
for the orphans' show.

- Hear, hear!
- Lieutenant.

Come, my child.

## [Hums, Whispering]

#When you're all dressed up
and no place to go #

# Life seems weary
dreary and slow #

#My heart has ached and bled #

#For the tears I've shed #

#When I've no place to go
unless I went back to bed #

# I've had a sad, sad life
and whenever I go #

# To that peaceful spot #

#Where the violets grow #

# Upon a nice white stone #

#Will be written below #

# He was all dressed up
and no place to go ##

[Applause]

Can you see him, Dan?

He's about a mile west
of your position.

You're gonna have
to get off the road.

- Dan, any unfriendlies around?
- Good question.

Negative.

- This is crazy!
- As opposed to just being in Korea?

Turn right at that tree,
and you'll see him about 2:00.

- [Radar] Wait!
- Perfect, Dan. Good spotting!

We're fine from here.

This is good.
Stop. Not too close.

You know anything
about horses?

- I stepped in manure once.
- You're in charge.

[Nickering]

[Whinnying]

Oh! Ooh! Look at him!
Wow, he's beautiful!

- I just hope it's not
two Chinese in a horse suit.
- Let's get him and get out.

Wait a minute.
Maybe we should talk to him first.

Radar, if he's got anything to say,
he'll tell you in the truck.

[Radar] Easy. Easy.
Don't scare him. He might hurt himself.

- Did you ever lasso anything?
- My little sister. Owed me a nickel.

Hawkeye, get over there
and draw his attention away from me.

You got it, Tex.

Careful. Don't hurt him.

[Whinnying]

Throw it.
He's giving me the eye.

Gimme that rope.

- It's still my turn.
- Come on. Come on.

What you gotta do is make
him think you're just...

headin' for the bunkhouse
for a cup of coffee.

[Whinnies]

He knows you're not
goin' to the bunkhouse.

Would you sirs mind just holding still
for just a minute? Okay?

Easy, boy.

Easy, boy.
I'm not gonna hurt ya.

Attaboy.
Look what I got here.

- My name is Radar. Radar O'Reilly.
- [Nickering]

Yeah, you're a nice horse,
aren't ya?

Would you like to take a ride
in a nice big truck?

I'll sit right beside you
all the way.

Here. Come on.

Attaboy. Come on.

If I could only do that
with nurses.

[Potter's Voice]
"Just got back from Rosie's Bar, dear.

"A civilian joint across the road.
Picked up a few beers.

"Ran into Majors Burns
and Houlihan.

"She's the head nurse.
He's the head twerp.

"He's married, but I think
something's going on between 'em.

"Course,
it's none of my business.

"Sometimes he has lip rouge around
his mouth and his lips are all swollen.

"But like I say,
that's none of my affair.

"Seen her a few times
with whisker burns on her cheeks.

"But that's of no interest to me.

"He did come into O.R. The other morning
with teeth marks on his neck.

"Doesn't prove anything, though.
He could've been roughhousing
with the camp dog.

"But you know how I am,
Mildred.

What folks do on their off-duty hours
is no business of mine."

Ahh.! Anniversary.
I understand.

Many happy returns.
I have just what the major needs.

William Holden.

No. No, no. It isn't his anniversary.
It's the colonel's.

And we want to get him
something special.

Oh.

Yeah.

One doorstop, two dollars.

Two bookends, a special,
four dollars.

- If you'll just shut up,
we'll tell you what we want.
- Okay, Joe.

One of our sergeants
said you do wood carving.

Oh! Sergeant Kowalski.
I made a naked lady radiator cap
for his father's Chrysler.

Now we're getting somewhere.
You do carve.

I show you.

Used to be round.

- Looks like a two-by-four.
- Thank you.

Look at these.

That's Colonel Potter.
Front view.

- Side view.
- Two views.

- Check.
- No checks. Strictly cash.

[Laughs]
No. The major will pay in cash.

We would like a bust carved
of Colonel Potter.

- I thought you were gonna pay half.
- All right!

Can you carve a bust?

- Wood or stone?
- Wood.

Hmm. Lotsa work.
Two assistants.

Electric light at night.
Overtime. Hmm. Six bucks.

- Well...
- Frank.

These people have no "espect-ray" unless
you "aggle-hay" over the "ice-pray."

- Five dollars.
- Seven-fifty.

Sold.

"Umb-day"!

You just take it easy, pal.
This isn't gonna hurt, not a bit.

These guys
are terrific doctors.

Don't build him up too much, Radar.
This is my first horse-ectomy.

- Didn't you guys' own pets
ever get sick?
- Only pet I had was a stuffed owl.

- A very true and loyal bird.
- Give 'em a little cotton,
and they're yours for life.

- [Whinnies]
- Don't you listen. They're just kidding.

- Ready, Doctor?
- As ready as I'll ever be.

- [Whinnies]
- Easy! Nice, nice fellow.

Good. Good.

Easy, pal. They're just gonna swab
your behind in the back. That's all.

How bad is it?

- [Whinnies]
- From point of entry,
it looks like one piece of shrapnel.

He'll be fine. You can bet him
to win, place and live.

- Got anything to calm him down?
- I'm trying to give him a sedative.

You got anything to calm me down?
Will you hold on to him?

- I am holding him!
- [Whinnies]

- Radar.
- Easy, boy, easy, easy.

- Watch it, watch it, watch it!
- Radar!

[Whinnies]

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

You're in business
for yourself, Radar!

- Did he kick you?
- No. He just missed the lavalier.

- He's all calmed down now.
- Forget it. He's crazy.

- He's crazy.
- What? He's only human.

Anyway, the sedative worked.
His eyes are all glazed over.

- That's not the end we're worried about.
- But he needs you!

- No. Radar...
- Oh, please?

- No, no.
- Come on. He needs you. Please?

[Man Over P.A. System]
Attention. A bulletin from
the truce talks at Panmunjom.

After six weeks of negotiation,
the U.N. And North Korea...

have agreed that flagpoles
in the peace compound...

are to be 32 feet,
61/4 inches high.

World leaders hail this agreement as
an important step toward lasting peace.

Radar, the longer you keep him,
the more attached you're gonna get.

- Maybe some farmer down
in the village can take him.
- Are you kidding?

Have him pull some heavy wagon full
of rocks and junk? I'm keeping him.

- [B.J.] I don't think you can.
- Colonel Blake let me keep pets.
He let me keep Black Beauty.

- Black Beauty was a hamster.
- Potter's not Blake.

- He'll never even know.
- The man's ex-cavalry.

If he spots four flies having a meeting,
he knows they're talking about a horse.

I'm not giving him up.

Look at his eyes.
He loves me.

You don't even know his name,
background, family.

There's a difference
in your ages.

[Airplanes Roaring]

Spit on the tips, Frank.

Where is that wood carver? He promised
to deliver the bust this morning.

I told you not to pay
in advance.

I told you to pay half when
we ordered it, and half on delivery.

I didn't know. My wife usually
handles these dumb things.

Frank, you mention that person's name
in this tent once more...

and you'll never spit
on my boots again.

Sorry, Margaret.

- [Knocking At Door]
- Cho Man Chin.

- Hello, lady and man.
- It's about time!

- You like rope around box?
- Yes, yes, it's fine.

Gift wrapped.
I did a first-class job.

- How do I look?
- You have a little dandruff.

- That's none of your business.
- I'm also a hairdresser.

You don't have any dandruff, Margaret.
You got rid of most of it.

- Where are you going?
- I hate to miss the big moment.

- You've been paid. Push off!
- Please. An artist's life
has so few rewards.

Frank, I go on duty
in ten minutes.

- What's in the box, Frank?
- None of your beeswax.

A present for
the colonel's anniversary.

We should've
gotten him something.

Watches. Ballpoint pens.

Look at this. Very valuable.

Hitler's pencil box.

[Potter's Voice]
"And so, Mildred dear, I come
to the end of this long letter.

"Sorry we can't be together
on our anniversary...

"but my heart is always
with you.

Your ever loving Sherm."

- [Knocking At Door]
- Come in.

[Together]
Happy anniversary, Colonel!

- Well! This is indeed a surprise!
- B. J. And I didn't know, Colonel.

- Yeah. We'd have gotten you something.
- World Series ring?

- You really shouldn't have done this.
- Oh, it's nothing.

This is from me and Major Burns.
They had nothing to do with it.

- Can't figure what this is.
- May I, sir?

The moment of truth.

- Remember the day we took
your picture, sir? Well...
- Voila!

- Hey, I like that.!
- Hey, that's nice!

It doesn't look
like the colonel.

- It looks like you.
- It gives the colonel a little class.

Well, I'm overwhelmed.
I think it's a dandy likeness.

- [Knocking At Door]
- Come.

Ah, sir? I have a present
for your anniversary.

This is turning
into a real party!

- Can I bring it in, sir?
- Please.

Wish Mother were here
to enjoy all this.

Oh... my!

It's a horse, sir.
Here's the keys.

A beautiful horse.

I don't know what to say,
Radar.

I want my money back. In American,
and not that stuff I paid you.

Shh.

He can't be more
than four years old.

- Pretty nice, Radar.
- At least I'll get to take care of him.

- This calls for a drink.
- At least.

- [Radar] Sorry about that, sir.
- That's disgusting!

Son, to me, that's a tiptoe
through the tulips.

Good boy.

[Man Over P.A. System] Attention,
all personnel. Incoming wounded.

Both shifts to O.R. On the double.
Incoming wounded.

Let's get 'em, boys and girls!
Let's get 'em!