M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Kids - full transcript
Potter thinks Hawkeye is a pip, as he has a comeback for everything. But Frank's Purple Heart (for an egg fragment in his eye) is no joke and Hawkeye does not find it funny. Civilian Nurse Meg Cratty (Ann Doran) and her orphans are being shelled; like Blake, Col. Potter is happy to extend the hospitality of the 4077 to Nurse Cratty, her kids and Sung Lee, a pregnant girl who stopped to see her in-laws. All tents (and most hearts) are opened as the kids are bedded down all over the camp. The pregnant Sung Lee stumbles in, shot by a sniper; BJ, fresh from residency, gets to do the Caesarian. Frank is obsessed with thievery; the featherweight Father has to wrestle him to scrub. When Frank finds his Purple Heart is missing, he suspects one of the kids. But, Hawkeye and BJ believe any baby who is shot in the rump on his own birthday is much more worthy and deserving of the honor. Margaret watches the entire ceremony, grinning from ear to ear. As Nurse Cratty and her brood leave, they are kissed and cuddled; the kids have made a very tired bunch of overworked heroes feel human again.
[B.J.]
Give me another clamp.
[People Chattering]
Mmm. Golden, golden.
[Chatter Continues]
[Sighs]
Ah, 17 straight hours
of surgery.
- Anybody seen my back?
- I could sleep for a week.
[Softly]
You promised to do my toenails.
Tickalock.
Does he really
do her toenails?
His father was
a world famous manicurist.
Son of a gun.
You're always full of comebacks.
Thank you. I want an hourly report
on that arterial transplant patient.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Colonel Potter?
- Colonel, we just got a radio
message from Nurse Cratty.
- What's a "Nurse Cratty"?
Meg Cratty. Runs a civilian orphanage
about 30 miles north of here.
Uh, sir, she said they're being shelled,
and they've got to evacuate.
Good Lord.
All those children.
Happened last year too.
They bunked with us.
Some of the kids are sick,
and she's got a pregnant woman
that's gonna have a baby.
Oh, no! Are we gonna have to
go through that again? They steal!
- Burns, shut your face.
- Last year they took a roll
of my best toilet paper.
They just wanted
to look at the pictures.
Let's get cuttin'. Major, break
out the extra cots, blankets,
pillows, whatever we need.
Yes, sir. Corporal,
I'll need a detail.
All right, everybody. We're getting
company from the orphanage.
I need the mattresses.
Klinger, put that down. I need you.
- You just said pick it up!
- We need supplies. Mattresses,
cots, blankets, extra pillows.
- Towels.
- Get those mattresses outta here.
- Put those two cots
in Colonel Potter's tent.
- Those in Colonel Potter's tent.
- Put these two cots
in Major Burns's tent.
- Major Burns's tent.
- Put these two in my tent.
- Those two in her tent.
Are you gonna stand there clowning
around, or are you gonna help me?
Major, I guess you haven't noticed!
This is not a house dress.
- Go get in your fatigues.
- Fatigues? In the evening?
- Move it!
- Is she beautiful?
- Margaret.!
- Put that in my tent.
I have to get this done, Frank.
Come here. Come here.
- What is it?
- I want to show you something.
- Not here!
- No, this came in a box...
when we were working.
Okay, keep it moving.
Keep it moving.
- It's a Purple Heart.
- Yeah!
- Who's it for?
- Me, silly!
You? How? When?
When were you wounded?
Last month when those
two snipers infiltrated.
- You never told me.
- [Giggles] Well...
I know. You didn't
want to worry me.
Yeah. Well, when have I ever
asked for sympathy? Hmm?
- Resisting the pain.
- Yeah.
Holding it back. Keeping
that tiny little chin firm.
Laugh, clown, laugh.
[Chuckles]
- [Winces]
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Wanna get that side?
- Yeah. I got it.
I'll do this. Why don't you
start the other one?
Ah, shame you decided to become
a doctor. You'd have made
a great chambermaid.
I've done both in my time.
Worked in a resort hotel to help
my way through pre-med.
Ten dollars a week and
all the pride I could swallow.
Oh, caramba.! Don't tell me we're having
two foreigners sleeping in here.
Frank, this is their country.
We're the ones from out of town.
Oh. Always attacking us and
defending them. If you like it
so much why don't you live here?
I do live here, Frank.
You ought to see a proctologist
about possible brain damage.
- What's that you're wearing, Frank?
- Just my citation.
Citation, Gracie?
- That's a Purple Heart.
- Yeah. It's a Purple Heart.
- You were never wounded.
- I most certainly was!
- When?
- During the sniper attack.
A month ago. I got
a shell fragment in my eye.
Hold the phone, Central!
I'm the one who treated that eye.
That was an eggshell fragment.
Nevertheless, it was
the result of combat...
and it's on my service record
as "shell fragment."
You were breaking open
a boiled egg and got nervous.
- Those are for kids
who really get shot up.
- I could have lost my eye!
Oh, yeah. There are hundreds of cases of
losing an eye from a three-minute egg!
- Give it back, Frank.
- Not on your Nellie!
Frank, you don't get medals
for other people's blood.
[Radar]
She's here, sirs. Nurse Cratty.
- They're here.
- Come on.
Sir? Uh, Major?
I know! I'm not "deef!"
- Okay. Hiya, Meg.
- Would you believe
they're bombin' us again?
War is no fun
if you don't bomb orphans.
This is Dr. Hunnicutt.
Trapper John's gone Stateside.
- My sympathies to both of ya.
- Thanks.
- Well, Colonel.
- You look terrific.
Well, of course I do. I just
came from the beauty parlor.
- Is this your whole bunch?
- All except that little mother-to-be.
We dropped her down the road
to visit her in-laws. She'll be along.
Hi. I remember you.
- Well, Father.
- Lovely.
I just washed.
Mama san, Mama san.
- Mama san.
- She thinks I'm a woman.
Never dreaming I gave you
jockey shorts for Mother's Day.
Okay. Open your mouth.
I hope you like this. Some of it
was cooked before you were born.
Right this way.
You got a little passenger here.
I'll take him from you.
Come on.
- Eyes clear.
- Got two bits, Joe?
My name is Major Burns,
not Joe.
And I'm going to pretend
I didn't hear that, Jasper.
- Next.
- Frank, give the poor child a quarter.
- No!
- Frank, stick a crowbar in your
wallet and give it to him!
- Here.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Match you double or nothing, Joe?
- See?
- Well, you don't have to play with him.
I'm gonna teach him a lesson.
[Snickers]
All right.
- Thanks.
- Next!
- Little cheat.
- Oh, Frank, how did he cheat?
Oh, they have their ways.
How'd he lose his leg?
Oh, they pick up shells
to sell for brass.
Once in a while
they get a live one.
[Sighs]
Oh, God.
All right.
You've already had
your inoculation.
Four bits?
Double or nothing?
- Am-scray!
- [Blows Raspberry]
- We wanna hear a story.
- Honest, I don't know any story.
You tell a story.
You gotta practice for your little girl.
I could tell them about
"Jack and the Beanstalk,"
but I have a fear of heights.
Freud says that has
something to do with sex.
My wife's only 5'1 ".
- Story.
- Story.
Okay, okay.
Once there was an army doctor...
a bad, bad major.
What did he do?
He pretended he deserved something
that only certain soldiers can have.
He accepted a medal
that he wasn't entitled to.
If you think I don't know who you're
talking about, you're a dumb Dora.
[Laughs]
Okay, okay. I'll give it a try.
- Once upon a time...
- You're a natural.
A long, long time ago,
there lived a young man...
named Androcles.
Now, Androcles was a very kind,
very gentle young man.
One day he was taking a walk
in the wilds...
and he came upon a great big...
ferocious-looking lion.
[Roars]
[Laughing]
"Well, that's it,"
thought Androcles.
"He's gonna
have me for lunch."
But instead of eating him,
the lion held out his paw...
to show him that there was a great
big thorn stuck right in his paw.
Now, Androcles realized
that he could run away...
because the lion was in so much
pain, he couldn't chase him.
But instead,
you know what he did?
Androcles very gently...
removed that thorn
from the lion's paw...
and the lion was so happy,
hejust walked right away.
Androcles thought no more
about that lion for years...
until one day he was arrested
by some guys called the Romans...
who wanted to punish him
for his faith.
You see, Androcles was not only
very kind, he was also very Gentile.
And, uh, these Roman guys,
they threw him into an arena...
and let out...
to tear him to pieces...
a gigantic, ferocious lion.
Well, sir...
They're asleep.
- Yeah, so?
- So what?
So what happened
to Androcles and the lion?
You know what happened.
You're not gonna finish?
I think your senility's here
ahead of schedule.
Okay, okay.
Just for that, I'm not gonna
tell you the version where
the papa bear comes home alone.
- [Knock At Door]
- [Laughs] Yo?
- Hi, Meg.
- Hi, guys.
- You got any tea left in this kettle?
- Comin' up.
- [Sighs]
- Kids all bedded down?
Mm-hmm. I'm a little worried
about Sung Lee though.
That's my expectant mother.
She should be here by now.
- Bubble gum?
- Mm-hmm. Want some?
Uh-uh. But please don't blow
any bubbles. It scares the kids.
They think
your stomach's comin' out.
[Sighs] You know, that stuff's
a lot better than it used to be.
- It's our aging process.
- We let it sit a full 20 minutes now.
You sure you want more
of this story?
You really don't understand.
You want more?
You do want more.
Okay. Here we go.
"Field stripping, cleaning and
routine maintenance of Garand rifles.
Section 22!
Repeated disassembly and assembly
causes excessive wear of parts...
and will eventually reduce
the accuracy of the weapon.
See Figure 57."
Oh! Pictures and everything.
"To disassemble piece
into above groups...
place butt against left thigh,
sights to the left.
With thumb and forefinger of right hand,
pull downward and outward...
on rear of trigger guard.
Swing trigger guard out
as far as it will go...
and remove
trigger housing assembly."
And so they lived
happily ever after.
[Muttering]
Assembly.
- Halt!
- [Yelps]
- Sorry. Sorry.
- It's okay.
- Going to latrine?
- Yeah. Both of us.
Mention my name.
Take good care of her.
- [Metallic Clang]
- What's that?
- Nurse Cratty. Nurse Cratty!
- Hey.!
Oh, my God! That's the pregnant girl.
She's been shot!
- Medic! Medic!
- Hey! Hey, medic!
[Yells] Hey, somebody!
Help! Somebody!
##[Piano. Classical]
Shh.
You've got to stop, honey.
Sack time.
You were terrific.
You can play in the morning.
Hey, you're real good.
I betcha you know "Chopsticks," huh?
There you are.
Nice and warm.
- Mama san.
- No. No mama san. Corporal Klinger.
- Mama san.
- G.I. Joe.
Look. See?
No McGuffies.
Everybody sleep.
[Imitates Snoring]
She took a bullet through the lower
abdomen. Blood pressure's 80 over 40.
- [Woman Moaning]
- Baby's heartbeat's audible.
- It's 90.
- We've gotta get in there
and see what's bleeding...
and then do a Caesarian section,
otherwise we'll lose them both.
- Doctor?
- Only thing to do.
Pump in some more plasma,
and let's get some whole blood.
- I've already sent for it.
- Prep her, Major.
- Midline incision. Stem to stern.
- Yes, Doctor.
Anybody done
a Caesarian lately?
- Damned arthritis
is eating up my knuckles.
- Hawkeye?
I haven't delivered a kid since I drove
my nephew over to his grandmother's.
- That's close enough.
- What are the heart rates?
- Maternal, 140.
- Baby's 75.
B. J.'s fresh out of residency.
- Just a kidney stone's throw away.
- It's up to you, B. J.
- Right.
- You deal. We'll kibitz.
- Patient's ready, Doctor.
- Fine, Major. Shall we make a baby?
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all surgical staff.
Heavy night patrol action.
Stand by for incoming wounded.
- Wounded. 4:30 a.m.
- Terrific.
You could set your watch
by this war.
Corporal. Did you see
a Slicky Boy come through here?
- Sir, you'll wake her.
- I saw that little thief hanging
around officers' country.
- Something missing
from your tent, Major?
- Oh, it's only a matter of time.
Stealing isn't even considered a crime
in this godforsaken country!
It's because they're poor,
Major. They have to steal to survive.
Well, there's no reason
for being poor!
If they had any gumption,
they'd be out looking for a job...
instead of always scrounging around
in our garbage cans for food.
Yes, sir.
[Sighs]
Where are the rest
of the children?
- Can you see that bleeder?
- I think so.
Looks like
the uterine artery. Clamp.
- Sponge that, Margaret.
- Sponge.
Send his X rays to his draft board
in case they like horror pictures.
- Let's get some of this blood
off the floor.
- Corpsman.
- What's wrong with
wall-to-wall blood, Colonel?
- Steady, Hawkeye.
- Clamp.
- I'll give you more retraction.
I'll clamp the uterine off,
and try not to get the ureter.
Then I'll go after the baby.
Her blood pressure's dropping,
Doctor. 70 over 30.
More blood. Pump it in.
Close this for me, Margaret. I've got
20 parties waiting for this table.
Fresh gloves!
Something in a blue suede.
Hawkeye,
take a look at this.
- Better do a nephrectomy.
- Gimme a retractor.
- May I be of any help?
- Everybody has, Father.
Might as well bring in
the chairman of the board.
- [Murmurs]
- Clamp.
Oh, stop behaving
like a child.
- Retract a little more.
- What's the story, B. J.?
- Bleeding's controlled.
- Terrific.
- I'm going after the baby.
Classical section.
- Kellye?
Pressure's barely holding.
- Those rotten snipers.
- It's their job to be rotten.
The bullet came awfully close
to the baby. Cross your fingers.
Good luck, B. J.
Here we are.
See the place
I fixed up for you?
Oh. What a big girl.
There. Now listen. Don't worry.
They're not gonna move you from in here.
You gonna go back to sleep, huh?
Gonna try?
# Bye-lo, baby #
# Bye-lo, baby #
# Bye-lo, baby #
# Bye-lo, baby, bye #
# Daddy still loves you #
# Daddy still loves you #
# Daddy still loves you #
#Though he's gone to war ##
- Colonel, I'd like to talk to you.
- Get on a table.
- Has that Slicky Boy been in here?
- Scrub. We need your hands.
Heaven only knows what
he's filched around here.
All these people are
such a bunch of crooks!
That one down there
is smuggling bullets in her abdomen.
- Oh, funny.
- Father, will you help
Major Burns scrub up?
- Yes, Colonel.
- Now just a minute!
You give these people an inch,
and they'll take a mile!
- Father, you're hurting my arm.
- Come, my son.
- Hey!
- Let me help you scrub, Major!
What are you doing? Priests
aren't supposed to hurt people!
I did a bit of boxing before I joined
the Jesuits. I was a featherweight.
They wanted me
in Willie Pep's stable.
That feels nice, Father.
- These are tough times
for all of us, you know, Frank.
- Nice and soapy.
How's she doin', Father?
The Korean girl.
Poor little thing. She's having
a very difficult time of it.
- [Baby Squalling]
- Hey, a baby! It's okay!
Another soul among the living.
Now, my friends, may I
suggest we all bow our heads
in silent prayer for the mother.
Klinger, I thought
you were an atheist?
I gave it up for Lent.
[Sighs]
- How's the mother?
- She's weak,
but she's gonna be just fine.
Oh, great.
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- If the pictures were right
in school, it's a boy.
- Gee.
- Bullet went through
the mother's abdomen.
He's got a nick
in his little butt.
- Wow.
- He's gonna be all right though.
- Nurse Cratty?
- Hmm?
I got something I'd like
to give the mother. It's a bed
jacket that's too small for me.
It's quilted, aquamarine
with off-white brocade.
And right here there are violet sequins
arranged in a stunning fleur-de-lis.
I gotta get him that discharge.
Now, just one minute, Margaret!
Now I won't even have time
for coffee. I'm due in post-op.
It's just that I'll feel safer
if I have it with me.
- How do you live with them?
- [Mutters]
[Yelps]
That's terrible! Sacrilege.
- What is it?
- It's a picture of
General MacArthur in the nude!
- It's gone.
- What?
- My Purple Heart. Stolen!
- Oh, Frank.
I knew it!
They're all crooks!
- We should give this country
back to the Indians!
- Wait. Frank. Frank!
Stop him.! Stop him.!
Don't lie to me!
Where is it?
No. Maybe some other boy.
We all look the same to you.
I saw you hanging around
my quarters. Now where is it?
I warn you.
I've had two judo lessons.
- Knock it off, Frank.
- You let him get away!
- He swiped something of mine!
- No, he didn't.
How do you know? You don't even know
what I'm talking about!
- That makes two of us. Come on.
- What?
As commanding officer
of MASH 4077...
and as authorized by the president of
the United States, Harry S. Truman...
I hereby award this Purple Heart medal
for wounds received in line of duty...
- to the child of, uh...
- Sung Lee.
Right. And it's a privilege
to honor the little guy.
Where did you get this?
- I bet I know.
- Bite your tongue, Margaret.
Or better yet,
let me do it.
- [Speaking Korean]
- [Korean]
- That's my medal.!
- You can get another one, Frank.
They're staying up nights
making Purple Hearts.
- Well, I really would like one.
- Well, with any luck at all...
Hawkeye, it was
a nice thing you did.
- It sure was.
- Well, he deserved it.
It's lousy to get shot
on your birthday.
- Thanks a lot, Colonel.
- Anytime, Meg.
- [Imitating Airplane Engine]
- You ought to deliver babies more often.
I'm afraid I'm in
the wrong neighborhood.
- Mama san.!
- Yeah, okay. Mama san.
Klinger.
Hawkeye, if I was
40 years younger.
- I thought you were.
- [Chuckles]
- Thanks a lot, Father.
- Nurse Cratty.
- Oh, and thanks for all
your good help, Major.
- Oh, thank you.
Now sit down flat
on the bottom.
Where you goin', Radar?
Hey, come on.
Come on.
Okay?
- [Korean]
- [Korean]
[Everyone]
Bye!
Give me another clamp.
[People Chattering]
Mmm. Golden, golden.
[Chatter Continues]
[Sighs]
Ah, 17 straight hours
of surgery.
- Anybody seen my back?
- I could sleep for a week.
[Softly]
You promised to do my toenails.
Tickalock.
Does he really
do her toenails?
His father was
a world famous manicurist.
Son of a gun.
You're always full of comebacks.
Thank you. I want an hourly report
on that arterial transplant patient.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Colonel Potter?
- Colonel, we just got a radio
message from Nurse Cratty.
- What's a "Nurse Cratty"?
Meg Cratty. Runs a civilian orphanage
about 30 miles north of here.
Uh, sir, she said they're being shelled,
and they've got to evacuate.
Good Lord.
All those children.
Happened last year too.
They bunked with us.
Some of the kids are sick,
and she's got a pregnant woman
that's gonna have a baby.
Oh, no! Are we gonna have to
go through that again? They steal!
- Burns, shut your face.
- Last year they took a roll
of my best toilet paper.
They just wanted
to look at the pictures.
Let's get cuttin'. Major, break
out the extra cots, blankets,
pillows, whatever we need.
Yes, sir. Corporal,
I'll need a detail.
All right, everybody. We're getting
company from the orphanage.
I need the mattresses.
Klinger, put that down. I need you.
- You just said pick it up!
- We need supplies. Mattresses,
cots, blankets, extra pillows.
- Towels.
- Get those mattresses outta here.
- Put those two cots
in Colonel Potter's tent.
- Those in Colonel Potter's tent.
- Put these two cots
in Major Burns's tent.
- Major Burns's tent.
- Put these two in my tent.
- Those two in her tent.
Are you gonna stand there clowning
around, or are you gonna help me?
Major, I guess you haven't noticed!
This is not a house dress.
- Go get in your fatigues.
- Fatigues? In the evening?
- Move it!
- Is she beautiful?
- Margaret.!
- Put that in my tent.
I have to get this done, Frank.
Come here. Come here.
- What is it?
- I want to show you something.
- Not here!
- No, this came in a box...
when we were working.
Okay, keep it moving.
Keep it moving.
- It's a Purple Heart.
- Yeah!
- Who's it for?
- Me, silly!
You? How? When?
When were you wounded?
Last month when those
two snipers infiltrated.
- You never told me.
- [Giggles] Well...
I know. You didn't
want to worry me.
Yeah. Well, when have I ever
asked for sympathy? Hmm?
- Resisting the pain.
- Yeah.
Holding it back. Keeping
that tiny little chin firm.
Laugh, clown, laugh.
[Chuckles]
- [Winces]
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Wanna get that side?
- Yeah. I got it.
I'll do this. Why don't you
start the other one?
Ah, shame you decided to become
a doctor. You'd have made
a great chambermaid.
I've done both in my time.
Worked in a resort hotel to help
my way through pre-med.
Ten dollars a week and
all the pride I could swallow.
Oh, caramba.! Don't tell me we're having
two foreigners sleeping in here.
Frank, this is their country.
We're the ones from out of town.
Oh. Always attacking us and
defending them. If you like it
so much why don't you live here?
I do live here, Frank.
You ought to see a proctologist
about possible brain damage.
- What's that you're wearing, Frank?
- Just my citation.
Citation, Gracie?
- That's a Purple Heart.
- Yeah. It's a Purple Heart.
- You were never wounded.
- I most certainly was!
- When?
- During the sniper attack.
A month ago. I got
a shell fragment in my eye.
Hold the phone, Central!
I'm the one who treated that eye.
That was an eggshell fragment.
Nevertheless, it was
the result of combat...
and it's on my service record
as "shell fragment."
You were breaking open
a boiled egg and got nervous.
- Those are for kids
who really get shot up.
- I could have lost my eye!
Oh, yeah. There are hundreds of cases of
losing an eye from a three-minute egg!
- Give it back, Frank.
- Not on your Nellie!
Frank, you don't get medals
for other people's blood.
[Radar]
She's here, sirs. Nurse Cratty.
- They're here.
- Come on.
Sir? Uh, Major?
I know! I'm not "deef!"
- Okay. Hiya, Meg.
- Would you believe
they're bombin' us again?
War is no fun
if you don't bomb orphans.
This is Dr. Hunnicutt.
Trapper John's gone Stateside.
- My sympathies to both of ya.
- Thanks.
- Well, Colonel.
- You look terrific.
Well, of course I do. I just
came from the beauty parlor.
- Is this your whole bunch?
- All except that little mother-to-be.
We dropped her down the road
to visit her in-laws. She'll be along.
Hi. I remember you.
- Well, Father.
- Lovely.
I just washed.
Mama san, Mama san.
- Mama san.
- She thinks I'm a woman.
Never dreaming I gave you
jockey shorts for Mother's Day.
Okay. Open your mouth.
I hope you like this. Some of it
was cooked before you were born.
Right this way.
You got a little passenger here.
I'll take him from you.
Come on.
- Eyes clear.
- Got two bits, Joe?
My name is Major Burns,
not Joe.
And I'm going to pretend
I didn't hear that, Jasper.
- Next.
- Frank, give the poor child a quarter.
- No!
- Frank, stick a crowbar in your
wallet and give it to him!
- Here.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Match you double or nothing, Joe?
- See?
- Well, you don't have to play with him.
I'm gonna teach him a lesson.
[Snickers]
All right.
- Thanks.
- Next!
- Little cheat.
- Oh, Frank, how did he cheat?
Oh, they have their ways.
How'd he lose his leg?
Oh, they pick up shells
to sell for brass.
Once in a while
they get a live one.
[Sighs]
Oh, God.
All right.
You've already had
your inoculation.
Four bits?
Double or nothing?
- Am-scray!
- [Blows Raspberry]
- We wanna hear a story.
- Honest, I don't know any story.
You tell a story.
You gotta practice for your little girl.
I could tell them about
"Jack and the Beanstalk,"
but I have a fear of heights.
Freud says that has
something to do with sex.
My wife's only 5'1 ".
- Story.
- Story.
Okay, okay.
Once there was an army doctor...
a bad, bad major.
What did he do?
He pretended he deserved something
that only certain soldiers can have.
He accepted a medal
that he wasn't entitled to.
If you think I don't know who you're
talking about, you're a dumb Dora.
[Laughs]
Okay, okay. I'll give it a try.
- Once upon a time...
- You're a natural.
A long, long time ago,
there lived a young man...
named Androcles.
Now, Androcles was a very kind,
very gentle young man.
One day he was taking a walk
in the wilds...
and he came upon a great big...
ferocious-looking lion.
[Roars]
[Laughing]
"Well, that's it,"
thought Androcles.
"He's gonna
have me for lunch."
But instead of eating him,
the lion held out his paw...
to show him that there was a great
big thorn stuck right in his paw.
Now, Androcles realized
that he could run away...
because the lion was in so much
pain, he couldn't chase him.
But instead,
you know what he did?
Androcles very gently...
removed that thorn
from the lion's paw...
and the lion was so happy,
hejust walked right away.
Androcles thought no more
about that lion for years...
until one day he was arrested
by some guys called the Romans...
who wanted to punish him
for his faith.
You see, Androcles was not only
very kind, he was also very Gentile.
And, uh, these Roman guys,
they threw him into an arena...
and let out...
to tear him to pieces...
a gigantic, ferocious lion.
Well, sir...
They're asleep.
- Yeah, so?
- So what?
So what happened
to Androcles and the lion?
You know what happened.
You're not gonna finish?
I think your senility's here
ahead of schedule.
Okay, okay.
Just for that, I'm not gonna
tell you the version where
the papa bear comes home alone.
- [Knock At Door]
- [Laughs] Yo?
- Hi, Meg.
- Hi, guys.
- You got any tea left in this kettle?
- Comin' up.
- [Sighs]
- Kids all bedded down?
Mm-hmm. I'm a little worried
about Sung Lee though.
That's my expectant mother.
She should be here by now.
- Bubble gum?
- Mm-hmm. Want some?
Uh-uh. But please don't blow
any bubbles. It scares the kids.
They think
your stomach's comin' out.
[Sighs] You know, that stuff's
a lot better than it used to be.
- It's our aging process.
- We let it sit a full 20 minutes now.
You sure you want more
of this story?
You really don't understand.
You want more?
You do want more.
Okay. Here we go.
"Field stripping, cleaning and
routine maintenance of Garand rifles.
Section 22!
Repeated disassembly and assembly
causes excessive wear of parts...
and will eventually reduce
the accuracy of the weapon.
See Figure 57."
Oh! Pictures and everything.
"To disassemble piece
into above groups...
place butt against left thigh,
sights to the left.
With thumb and forefinger of right hand,
pull downward and outward...
on rear of trigger guard.
Swing trigger guard out
as far as it will go...
and remove
trigger housing assembly."
And so they lived
happily ever after.
[Muttering]
Assembly.
- Halt!
- [Yelps]
- Sorry. Sorry.
- It's okay.
- Going to latrine?
- Yeah. Both of us.
Mention my name.
Take good care of her.
- [Metallic Clang]
- What's that?
- Nurse Cratty. Nurse Cratty!
- Hey.!
Oh, my God! That's the pregnant girl.
She's been shot!
- Medic! Medic!
- Hey! Hey, medic!
[Yells] Hey, somebody!
Help! Somebody!
##[Piano. Classical]
Shh.
You've got to stop, honey.
Sack time.
You were terrific.
You can play in the morning.
Hey, you're real good.
I betcha you know "Chopsticks," huh?
There you are.
Nice and warm.
- Mama san.
- No. No mama san. Corporal Klinger.
- Mama san.
- G.I. Joe.
Look. See?
No McGuffies.
Everybody sleep.
[Imitates Snoring]
She took a bullet through the lower
abdomen. Blood pressure's 80 over 40.
- [Woman Moaning]
- Baby's heartbeat's audible.
- It's 90.
- We've gotta get in there
and see what's bleeding...
and then do a Caesarian section,
otherwise we'll lose them both.
- Doctor?
- Only thing to do.
Pump in some more plasma,
and let's get some whole blood.
- I've already sent for it.
- Prep her, Major.
- Midline incision. Stem to stern.
- Yes, Doctor.
Anybody done
a Caesarian lately?
- Damned arthritis
is eating up my knuckles.
- Hawkeye?
I haven't delivered a kid since I drove
my nephew over to his grandmother's.
- That's close enough.
- What are the heart rates?
- Maternal, 140.
- Baby's 75.
B. J.'s fresh out of residency.
- Just a kidney stone's throw away.
- It's up to you, B. J.
- Right.
- You deal. We'll kibitz.
- Patient's ready, Doctor.
- Fine, Major. Shall we make a baby?
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all surgical staff.
Heavy night patrol action.
Stand by for incoming wounded.
- Wounded. 4:30 a.m.
- Terrific.
You could set your watch
by this war.
Corporal. Did you see
a Slicky Boy come through here?
- Sir, you'll wake her.
- I saw that little thief hanging
around officers' country.
- Something missing
from your tent, Major?
- Oh, it's only a matter of time.
Stealing isn't even considered a crime
in this godforsaken country!
It's because they're poor,
Major. They have to steal to survive.
Well, there's no reason
for being poor!
If they had any gumption,
they'd be out looking for a job...
instead of always scrounging around
in our garbage cans for food.
Yes, sir.
[Sighs]
Where are the rest
of the children?
- Can you see that bleeder?
- I think so.
Looks like
the uterine artery. Clamp.
- Sponge that, Margaret.
- Sponge.
Send his X rays to his draft board
in case they like horror pictures.
- Let's get some of this blood
off the floor.
- Corpsman.
- What's wrong with
wall-to-wall blood, Colonel?
- Steady, Hawkeye.
- Clamp.
- I'll give you more retraction.
I'll clamp the uterine off,
and try not to get the ureter.
Then I'll go after the baby.
Her blood pressure's dropping,
Doctor. 70 over 30.
More blood. Pump it in.
Close this for me, Margaret. I've got
20 parties waiting for this table.
Fresh gloves!
Something in a blue suede.
Hawkeye,
take a look at this.
- Better do a nephrectomy.
- Gimme a retractor.
- May I be of any help?
- Everybody has, Father.
Might as well bring in
the chairman of the board.
- [Murmurs]
- Clamp.
Oh, stop behaving
like a child.
- Retract a little more.
- What's the story, B. J.?
- Bleeding's controlled.
- Terrific.
- I'm going after the baby.
Classical section.
- Kellye?
Pressure's barely holding.
- Those rotten snipers.
- It's their job to be rotten.
The bullet came awfully close
to the baby. Cross your fingers.
Good luck, B. J.
Here we are.
See the place
I fixed up for you?
Oh. What a big girl.
There. Now listen. Don't worry.
They're not gonna move you from in here.
You gonna go back to sleep, huh?
Gonna try?
# Bye-lo, baby #
# Bye-lo, baby #
# Bye-lo, baby #
# Bye-lo, baby, bye #
# Daddy still loves you #
# Daddy still loves you #
# Daddy still loves you #
#Though he's gone to war ##
- Colonel, I'd like to talk to you.
- Get on a table.
- Has that Slicky Boy been in here?
- Scrub. We need your hands.
Heaven only knows what
he's filched around here.
All these people are
such a bunch of crooks!
That one down there
is smuggling bullets in her abdomen.
- Oh, funny.
- Father, will you help
Major Burns scrub up?
- Yes, Colonel.
- Now just a minute!
You give these people an inch,
and they'll take a mile!
- Father, you're hurting my arm.
- Come, my son.
- Hey!
- Let me help you scrub, Major!
What are you doing? Priests
aren't supposed to hurt people!
I did a bit of boxing before I joined
the Jesuits. I was a featherweight.
They wanted me
in Willie Pep's stable.
That feels nice, Father.
- These are tough times
for all of us, you know, Frank.
- Nice and soapy.
How's she doin', Father?
The Korean girl.
Poor little thing. She's having
a very difficult time of it.
- [Baby Squalling]
- Hey, a baby! It's okay!
Another soul among the living.
Now, my friends, may I
suggest we all bow our heads
in silent prayer for the mother.
Klinger, I thought
you were an atheist?
I gave it up for Lent.
[Sighs]
- How's the mother?
- She's weak,
but she's gonna be just fine.
Oh, great.
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- If the pictures were right
in school, it's a boy.
- Gee.
- Bullet went through
the mother's abdomen.
He's got a nick
in his little butt.
- Wow.
- He's gonna be all right though.
- Nurse Cratty?
- Hmm?
I got something I'd like
to give the mother. It's a bed
jacket that's too small for me.
It's quilted, aquamarine
with off-white brocade.
And right here there are violet sequins
arranged in a stunning fleur-de-lis.
I gotta get him that discharge.
Now, just one minute, Margaret!
Now I won't even have time
for coffee. I'm due in post-op.
It's just that I'll feel safer
if I have it with me.
- How do you live with them?
- [Mutters]
[Yelps]
That's terrible! Sacrilege.
- What is it?
- It's a picture of
General MacArthur in the nude!
- It's gone.
- What?
- My Purple Heart. Stolen!
- Oh, Frank.
I knew it!
They're all crooks!
- We should give this country
back to the Indians!
- Wait. Frank. Frank!
Stop him.! Stop him.!
Don't lie to me!
Where is it?
No. Maybe some other boy.
We all look the same to you.
I saw you hanging around
my quarters. Now where is it?
I warn you.
I've had two judo lessons.
- Knock it off, Frank.
- You let him get away!
- He swiped something of mine!
- No, he didn't.
How do you know? You don't even know
what I'm talking about!
- That makes two of us. Come on.
- What?
As commanding officer
of MASH 4077...
and as authorized by the president of
the United States, Harry S. Truman...
I hereby award this Purple Heart medal
for wounds received in line of duty...
- to the child of, uh...
- Sung Lee.
Right. And it's a privilege
to honor the little guy.
Where did you get this?
- I bet I know.
- Bite your tongue, Margaret.
Or better yet,
let me do it.
- [Speaking Korean]
- [Korean]
- That's my medal.!
- You can get another one, Frank.
They're staying up nights
making Purple Hearts.
- Well, I really would like one.
- Well, with any luck at all...
Hawkeye, it was
a nice thing you did.
- It sure was.
- Well, he deserved it.
It's lousy to get shot
on your birthday.
- Thanks a lot, Colonel.
- Anytime, Meg.
- [Imitating Airplane Engine]
- You ought to deliver babies more often.
I'm afraid I'm in
the wrong neighborhood.
- Mama san.!
- Yeah, okay. Mama san.
Klinger.
Hawkeye, if I was
40 years younger.
- I thought you were.
- [Chuckles]
- Thanks a lot, Father.
- Nurse Cratty.
- Oh, and thanks for all
your good help, Major.
- Oh, thank you.
Now sit down flat
on the bottom.
Where you goin', Radar?
Hey, come on.
Come on.
Okay?
- [Korean]
- [Korean]
[Everyone]
Bye!