M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 6 - The Bus - full transcript

The 38th Parallel Medical Conference: just an excuse for boozing one's brains out! Radar drives the 4077 bus back to camp with Potter and the 3 doctors and realizes they are lost. When they stop the bus, it will not start again. They have no food, water, communication, blankets or maps and it is nightfall; plus, Hawkeye is hung over. Frank is secretly hoarding chocolate and talking gibberish on one-half of a set of busted walkie-talkies. BJ suggests the guys tell fun stories when Radar goes to the latrine. He disappears for a long time and Potter, Hawkeye and BJ are worried. A wounded N. Korean soldier appears in the night; he throws off his gun belt and surrenders. The first night guard patrol is Frank's, but Radar catches him with his eyelids down...and chocolate bars flying. The next day, things look brighter: Radar determined they are not in enemy territory and he finally puts to use the fine art of blackmail carefully learned at the knees of his Uncles Trapper and Hawkeye. The N. Korean prisoner (Soon-Teck Oh) is a better mechanic than Frank--which is no ringing endorsement--but he gets the officers and bus on their way. Can he keep Frank occupied on the busted walkie-talkie, all the way back to the 4077?

Penny for your thoughts,
Frank.

- For God's sake, why?
- It looked important.

His forehead's all puckered up.

So are all my inwards.

Radar, I don't remember
this road being this terrible.

There's nothing the matter
with the road, Pierce.

You're just feeling punk.
[Laughs]

Me? I'm in fine fettle.
I never felt "fettler."

You're telling me
you're not hung over?

Oh, that's what it is!

I thought somebody painted
a base coat of fuzz on my tongue.



Well, don't think I didn't see how much
you drank at the medical conference.

- You were disgusting.
- How about me, Frank?

- You weren't so bad.
- Really?

I was trying to be
disgusting too.

- [Bus Clatters]
- Holy cow.!

Easy, Radar. My head's
coming off at the dotted line.

38th Parallel Medical Society. Ha.

Just an excuse
for boozing your brains out.

Well, I, for one,
discussed medicine.

I heard you. Accusing
a French gynecologist...

of not taking his work seriously.

- Aha.
- [Clatter]

We home yet?

- Torn-up road, Colonel.
- We're in Con Edison country.



You all right, Radar?

I'm fine, sir. But I think the bus
is gonna have kittens.

Where are we?

Been wanting to talk
to you about that, sir.

Where we are mostly
at the moment is lost.

- I think I better pull over.
- Pull over, Radar.

We can't be lost!

We are, Frank. I've been lost before,
and this is exactly what it looks like.

- Anybody got a compass?
- I got a neat one in San Francisco.

What are you doing?

The breeze is coming
from that direction.

Thank you. Now all we have to do
is trade the bus for an airplane.

- Colonel.
- Yeah, Radar.

- We may not be lost.
- How so?

I think I remember that tree.

Radar, that tree has the same
face as every other tree.

- Your marbles are shifting.
- I say we go on.

I say we go back.

Each officer will go a hundred
yards in a different direction.

See if we can find any signs
of village life or other roads.

- A hundred yards. No more.
- A hundred yards?

- In these woods?
- Take one of the enlisted men
with you, Major.

[Laughs]

- See anything, Corporal?
- Just the bus, sir.

We know what's there.
It's there we're worried about.

I like that there there
a whole lot better, sir.

Corporal, take the point.

- Hey! Why me?
- Oh, you present less of a target.

Anyway, they love to pick off officers.
We're the cream of our generation.

I'm sort of the cream
of my family, sir.

Besides, I can cover you better
from the rear.

Oh, my rear would feel a whole lot safer
if you were in front of it, sir!

- All right. Move out, soldier. Move.
- Oh, boy.

- [Whispers] O'Reilly?
- Up ahead, sir.

There's something going on
behind that tree.

I'm goin' on
behind that tree, sir.

Corporal!

Would you say we've gone
a hundred yards?

For my money we have.
Yes, sir.

- Let's go back.
- I'll take the point.

- Any luck?
- Just woods and more woods.

I met a little girl with a basket
for her grandma.

- Wearing a red riding hood?
- Actually, she was with seven dwarfs.

- She's in the wrong woods.
- Or the wrong story.

- Are you finished, Doctors?
- You? Yeah.

[Rustling]

- Burns?
- Uh, sighted nothing, reporting same.

A simple "crapped out"
will be sufficient, Major.

- Yes, sir.
- If we don't know where we're goin'...

we do know
where we've been.

My decision is to turn this animal
around, head back where we were...

get new directions,
start out all over again.

Mount up, people.

- This your first trip?
- Oh, shut your gizzard!

- Just a joke, Frank.
- Pierce! Uh...

Do me a favor.

We're all in this together.
I know you don't like me.

That's an ugly rumor started by someone
who heard me say I don't like you.

Well, till we're back safe,
no jokes, okay?

- Right.
- Thanks.

Now, that's a handshake
for you. Strong and wet.

Wait a minute.

Don't move.

[Engine Cranking]

I'm hungry.
Lost and hungry.

I remember the act.

They sure served some good chow
at the society meeting.

The steaks were great.

- Steaks! Frank, you ate the steaks?
- First one I've had in a year.

You realize they served them
right after the autopsy.

You said no more jokes.

- Who's joking?
- My lamb chop had a wedding ring on it.

- What's wrong, Radar?
- I don't know, sir. She won't start.

- Got plenty of gas?
- Got plenty of gas.

I think we might have busted
something on that last big bump.

Oh, swell. We can't go forward,
and we can't go back.

It's a sign from heaven.
The war is over.

- Now what?
- We burn our uniforms, go home...

get married and breed a new batch
of draftees for the next one.

- Hear, hear.
- Let's finish this one first, shall we?

[Tapping]

Well, there's something wrong
here, sir.

Sir, there's something
really wrong here.

At least if it was a horse,
we could shoot it. [Chuckles]

- Fine leadership.
- What would you do?

If this unit were still
my command, you'd soon find out.

I spent a week with you
in command, Frank.

You lost me when you rigged
the toilet seats to rise to attention.

Only for inspection.

What are you beating
your gums about, Major?

Colonel, I don't think you appreciate
the true nature of our situation...

uh, gravity-wise speaking.

Unless I'm mistaken,
we're lost, we can't move...

we've got no food or water, no blankets,
no communications, night is falling.

We may be right now
in enemy territory...

an enemy that would think nothing
of giving us bamboo manicures...

right up to our knuckles...

followed by boiling
egg-drop colonics.

Does that sound like
the proper appreciation, Major?

- Pretty much, sir.
- Thank you.

[Clears Throat]
Gimme that!

You get in the driver's seat.
When I tell you, turn her over.

- Roger?
- Roger, wilco, sir.

You know anything
about engines, Major?

Oh, I took a lot of shop
in high school.

I wouldn't take shop
from anyone.

- You planning to fix it
or buy it, Frank?
- Oh, hardy-har.

This is all getting more than
a little uncomfortable.

- Spooky-wise speaking.
- Turn her over.

- [Engine Cranking]
- [Screams]

Are you crazy?

- I did what you said!
- That's the last thing he needs.

- I did what you said!
- That's the last thing he needs.

Gimme that, Frank.
I'm against capital punishment.

Well, I've done all I can do.
It's now in the hands of the Almighty.

Speaking for myself, that's not
the worst news I've heard today.

- Colonel, look what I found.
- A walkie-talkie!

Only thing is, the other one's back
at the camp, and it's busted.

Any Allied personnel, this is
Major Frank Burns, MASH 4077.

S.O.S. And Mayday.
Come in, any Allied personnel.

Major, there have to be
two of those things.

Someone else has to have the other one,
and he has to be on your frequency.

- It's no fun alone, Frank.
- What is?

Any Allied personnel. Can you read me?
I'll give you my location.

Major, the other end of that gizmo
is on the fritz and 20 miles from here!

It only carries half a mile
when it does work!

Any Allied personnel.
Here is my position.

There is a fighter plane
approaching...

and when I say "now," the jet
will be directly over my head.

- [Jet Zooming]
- Now!

[Laughing]
Frank.

That thing's a thousand feet up
and going 500 miles an hour.

By the time you said "now,"
the plane was in its hangar...

- and the pilot was in his jammies.
- I was just trying to help!

Stop trying.
That should help right off.

- Nothing like a little appreciation.
- It's busted.

- Radar.
- Yo?

- Try it one more time.
- Yes, sir.

I've been in worse spots.

Ever tried getting dressed quietly in a
dark closet with a pocketful of change?

- [Chuckles]
- [Engine Cranks, Fails To Start]

[Radar]
No soap, sir.

World War I, Argonne Forest.
Lost and hungry then too.

Couldn't find my outfit.

After three days, I was
ready to eat my socks.

Nothing to do but wait.

- At least everything
turned out all right.
- Right.

I was taken prisoner. They shaved
my head and beat me to a pulp.

I think I'm getting delirious.

I'm just having warm, friendly
thoughts about the gourmet leftovers...

at the 4077 chow line.

Listen, we'll be okay.

- Course we will.
- You betcha.

I'm not scared.

Any Allied personnel, if you receive me,
here is my position. Ready?

Uh...

there are only about half
a dozen stars visible, sky-wise.

I am directly under
the brightest one.

- Over.
- Terrific, Frank.

They'll start searching
for us in Bethlehem.

Shh. Hey, listen.

What, did you hear something
out there?

No. No, I guess not, sir.

- It's probablyjust an animal.
- [Hawkeye] Hope it's one of ours.

- Radar's radar's jammed.
- If it wasn't, would we be here?

Oh, sure, Pierce.
Blame it all on O'Reilly.

You just go back to being Tom Swift
and his electric paranoid. Okay?

It's nobody's fault.
You know that.

- I know.
- Of course it isn't.

I know.

Hey, this is no way
to throw a party.

How about some stories
before we rejoin the ladies?

Now you're cookin'.
What kind of stories?

The first time
love conquered all.

- Ah.
- Colonel Potter?

- It was back in World War I.
- In the Argonne Forest.

After Chateau-Thierry,
actually.

I took a load of gas that
blinded me temporarily.

Spent over a month in a French
hospital with my eyes bandaged.

Nurse's name was Colette.
Colette.

The darkness I lived in was relieved
only by the sound of her voice...

touch of her hand.

Then finally the day came
for the bandages to come off.

When they undid the last
of them, there she was. Colette.

- And?
- I pretended I was still blind.

[Chuckling]
And that was your first romance?

Yeah, but I couldn't have
handled it without the bandages.

Radar, you're next.

Huh? Oh, uh... Listen.
Would you guys come back to me please?

I gotta go to the latrine.

You'll have to take a hammer
and nails and build one.

I'll manage.

[B.J.] No wonder the trees
all look familiar to him.

- Frank?
- I was just lying here!

Come on. Join the party.
Give us your story.

- [Potter] Be a sport for once.
- Well.

Uh, it was, uh,
during my sophomore year.

She was a little brunette
of Jewish persuasion.

I wonder who persuaded her
to be that.

Helen Rappaport.
Smart as a whip.

- They've all got rhythm, you know.
- [Snickering] Right!

Anyhoo, we were on opposite
sides of the class debate.

"Should Father Coughlin
be our next president?"

She talked very fast and won.

Then, I think to make it up to me,
she offered to drive me home.

[Giggling]
On the way...

she pulled this old gag
about running out of gas.

Never fooled me, boy.

[Sighs] She was really
warm for my form.

- And did you oblige?
- I couldn't.

- Creep.
- I wanted to save myself for Miss Right.

- Miss Right?
- Orville and Wilbur's sister.

She invented the first
airplane stewardess.

I'm referring to
the present Mrs. Burns...

neither which of us approved of that
sort ofhappiness before marriage.

Okay. Hawk, you're up.

Yeah, in a second.

Radar?

Radar!

- I'm gonna go look for him.
- [Potter] No, sir.

- B. J.'ll come with me.
- Sure.

- With the two of us, we'll be fine.
- And leave me alone with Burns?

He's more boring asleep
than awake.

[Muttering]

He's asleep now.
Probably dreaming about home.

How rich he's gonna get taking
out healthy gall bladders.

Hawkeye, we're none of us
going wandering around out there.

Unacceptable procedure.
Also stupid. I won't have it.

We can't look for him
till it gets light out.

- Easy, Burns!
- Put that thing away. Cochise is gone.

We formed the bus
into a circle.

- Is he back yet?
- No, not yet.

- No, huh?
- "No, huh." That's right, huh.

Be a shame if something
happened to him.

Burns, go back to sleep.
That's an order.

What did I do?
Look, I liked Radar too!

You talk about Radar
in the past tense one more time...

and I'm gonna show you
how to be a tail gunner!

Steady, guys, huh?
I think it's agreed we all like him.

Except whoever wrote me anonymously
that Radar was selling tickets...

to the hole
in the nurses' shower.

- Well, it wasn't me!
- Why would I think it was you?

Because I know people think that's
just the kind of thing I might do.

- Well, why did you do it?
- Because I felt it was my duty.

I thought you said
you didn't do it.

I thought I did too.

- [Rustling]
- Shh!

[Rustling]

[Softly]
There's something out there!

- Will you stick that in your holster?
- Is it Radar?

- I wish I was home.
- I wish you was home too, Frank.

[B. J.]
Hey!

[Speaking Korean]

He's attacking!
He wants us to surrender!

Either that or he's asking
if this bus goes downtown.

- [Korean]
- Ha.

He's surrendering to us!

Good thing for him. I can plug
an ace of hearts at 50 feet.

- I'll remember that if we're
attacked by a bridge club.
- Let's go!

[Shouting In Korean]

All right, fella. All right.
You're okay now.

- He's got a gash in his leg.
- I'll break out the kit.

I wouldn't touch him.
He's probably booby trapped!
Could go off in our faces!

Burns, don't start going on about
going off. Let's get him inside.

You may be right, Frank.
I think what he's done is...

he's cut a gash in his leg,
inserted a grenade...

and disguised
it with his own blood.

Boy, are they clever.

How's that?

Better?
Better.

I been here all this time,
I still can't speak the language.

Well, you Americans figure
everybody understands English...

provided you speak it
slowly enough.

- Huh?
- Right.

- Burns.
- Sir?

Didn't I see your picture
in the post office?

- I wonder if he saw Radar out there.
- That's right.

You could be giving aid to someone
who killed one of our own boys.

I don't mean Radar. I'm sure
he's alive. I mean, reasonably sure.

Frank! You keep putting your
foot in your mouth, you're gonna
end up with athlete's tongue.

Okay, that does it.
Send a bill to the People's Republic.

It's time we got some shuteye. Who wants
to stand guard over the prisoner first?

- He does.
- He will.
- I do.

Fine. If you don't accidentally
shoot yourself first...

I'll relieve you in two hours...
if you do, I'll relieve you earlier.

That's it.
Let's get some kip.

[Softly] One wrong move,
and it's curtains.

Get the message,
Mr. Moto?

Yeah, I thought so.
You know plenty English.

Okay, friend. I'm not a talkin' man.
Next time I talk, this talks for me.

No questions asked.
Curtains.

You get the message,
pal o' mine?

I don't chew my cabbage twice. One
wrong move, and you'll find that out.

I act. Zing!

That's the big kiss-off.
Capisce?

I tend to, uh, shoot first
and talk later.

Little habit I have.

Which you'll find out fast
if you get cute.

We straight on that?
Huh?

Any Allied personnel.
Any Allied personnel.

I've begun to take prisoners.

Request instructions re prisoners
or will be forced to shoot same.

Over and out.

Think you get the picture.
Right, amigo?

[Sighs]

Sir?

Sir. Sir?

Holy socks!
[Gasps]

- O'Reilly?
- Sir, I didn't mean to wake you!

Wake me?
You think I was asleep?

No. I was just trying to see
what our prisoner'd do.

- I flushed him out of the woods.
- Let me help you with the chocolate.

- That's not chocolate!
- Right. It's not chocolate.

[Potter]
What's goin'on?

Not one word about my sleeping trick.
It's against the Geneva Convention.

- Right, the Geneva Convention.
- It's Corporal O'Reilly, sir. He's back!

- [Everyone] Radar?
- I'm back. Hello, sir.

Hell of a time to go AWOL, son.

We kept your bus seat
just the way you left it!

- Good to see you back!
- We were worried about you!

- [Everyone Chattering]
- Oh, my gosh!

[Korean]

- Thank you, I think.
- Thank you. Fine.

Fine. Thank you.
You lie down.

- B. J., relieve Major Burns at guard.
- Right.

You come and tell us
where you were playin' hooky!

[Radar]
Oh, my gosh.

You'll be sorry.
He's wily.

[Sighs]

So in the dead of night you decide
to go off half-cocked and get help.

Well, gee, sir, since I got us lost
and I broke the bus...

I figured I didn't need
your half-cocked permission.

Anyway, the point is that, uh,
when I was wandering around there...

I didn't find no enemy,
so I figure we're safe
as long as we can get outta here.

Speaking of which, enemy-wise,
has anybody seen our prisoner?

There he is!

Sabotage.! He's tinkering
with our parts.!

- Get away from there! Gimme that!
- Easy, Frank! Easy!

- He's wounded, remember?
- Oh, wounded, sure!
That's how we lost China!

By fixing a bus?
Careful, that could be loaded.

All right! All right!
That settles it.

We've finally run out of food,
water and brains.

We gotta get outta here,
which means walking. So, we walk.

[Engine Starts]

[Korean]

- [B. J.] Wish I knew how to say thanks.
- Holy cow!

[Potter] We're mighty grateful
for this, old man.

- [Frank] Get outta my seat, Pierce.
- Oh, shut your gob, Frank.

Nick of time. I'm so hungry,
I could eat a horse.

May the 1 st Cavalry forgive me.

I think in the future we should always
stash something to eat on this bus.

- Make a note of that, Radar.
- Yes, sir.

Like one of us could just fill a ditty
bag full of chocolate bars and stuff.

'Cause when you're really hungry
you could fall asleep
when you're not supposed to.

- Right, Major?
- He-e-ey! Wait a minute!

I just remembered.
Now, maybe... maybe...

Wait. Oh!
Ha! Lookee here!

What luck, huh?
Colonel?

And, uh, Corporal?
You guys?

- Thanks, Frank.
- Thank you, Frank.

- And, uh, this is mine.
- [Hawkeye] Home, Radar.

Hey. Look.

[Whispers]
No.

[Korean]

- Sir!
- [Yelps]

I think I've got
the enemy.

- I can hear their secrets!
- But you don't understand the language.

If you people had any brains,
you'd give up. You hear me?

[Korean]

No one ever beat Uncle Sam!
We've never lost a war!

- Major...
- We never have, and we never will!

So you put that in your
opium pipe and smoke it!

[Laughing]

- That's tellin' 'em, Major.
- Yeah.