M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 13 - Mad Dogs and Servicemen - full transcript

Radar loves animals; besides his zoo, he feeds a stray dog. Unfortunately, the dog bites Radar; unless they find it, Radar will have to take rabies shots. Frank does not believe in psychiatric cases and calls a GI with hysterical paralysis "bug-nutty." The more humane Trapper wants to slug him. Cpl. Richard Travis (Michael O'Keefe) is the sole survivor of a tank slaughter. By following the methods of Dr. Sidney Freedman, Hawkeye and Trapper believe Travis can get well and rejoin his unit; the alternative is a lifetime of guilt and paralysis. Sidney cannot get away, so Hawkeye agrees to try to help Travis...but the treatment is as heinous for the staff as it is for the patient. Henry frets as Radar gets sicker and sicker from the rabies shots and Margaret and Frank are appalled at the treatment Travis is getting at the 4077. If a dog and a backbone can be located, they might be in business.

##[P. A: Swing]

Here you go.

Just like Mom's,
give or take a couple of nozzles.

I'm sorry it's powdered.

World War II surplus.

Just think about the guys
in the next war that are
gonna have to eat this one.

##[Continues]

Radar, your little friend and I
just had another shower together.

I think he's trying to have
an affair with one of my corns.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

That's quite a spread you got here
for the little buggers.



Oh, they'd do the same for me
if they had the wood.

They all got their own
little dog tags.

That, uh,
"P" for "Protestant"?

- "Possum," sir. I put 'em
according to family.
- I see.

[Sighs]

[Whispers]
I told you not to do that.
He's a colonel. Gee!

You make a great
lower-lip sandwich.

Really? Mmm...

- I'm engaged to a pilot.
- So am I. I just hope
it's not the same one.

- [Radar] Anybody in here?
- [Sighs]

- Wait.
- Later, Doctor.

My tent, around seven-ish?
I'll be the one with
the khaki rose in my teeth.

Now, what can I do
for you, Radar?

And please remember,
I'm running out of anti-puberty pills.



Uh, you're supposed to sign
these release papers for
these patients' "releasal."

I don't understand
a word you say...

but I'll fight to the death
your right to confuse me.

- Sign right here.
- Hey, that's a nasty scratch.

Whoever she is, you better
tell her to clip her nails
or file her teeth or both.

No, I was kiddin' around with
a dog the other day and it bit me.

- Didn't mean to though.
- What dog? When?

Couple of days ago.
Just a mutt. I give it stuff
from the kitchen...

although I don't like
bein' cruel to animals.

- Where's this dog now?
- Comes and goes.

Radar, dysentery
and rabies...

are the two biggest numbers
on the Korean hit parade.

Get me that dog.

"Corporal Travis, Richard.

"Corporal Travis, Richard.

To Tokyo. Typical psycho case,
shell shock."

Frank, that's straight
out of World War I.

- Nobody thinks "shell shock" anymore.
- Oh, what's the diff?

Too much action gets 'em
in the old brain box.

Makes even
the best soldier gaga.

Frank, I defy you
to show me a medical book
that lists the word "gaga."

[Scoffs]

- New shipment?
- Yeah. They were stampeded
by a herd of tanks.

One kid's paralyzed,
but no apparent injury.

Which is why I'm sending
him to Tokyo.

Frank, it's no skin off your nose
if we observe him for a few hours.

We haven't facilities
for every slug-nutty
that comes through here.

- Slug-nutty?
- Wait a second. Wait a minute.

Look, Frank, we can
settle this diplomatically.
Shake hands, go to your corner...

and when the bell rings,
Trapper will come over
and beat your brains out.

[Trapper]
Slug-nutty...

- [Hawkeye] Here?
- [Trapper] Right here, yeah.

- [Hawkeye]
How do you feel, fella?
- I don't, sir.

What happened?
Can you talk about it?

I don't know.

What's the last thing
you remember?

Uh...

the tanks, I guess.

And... I blacked out.

And the next thing I know,
I couldn't move.

Sounds like one of those cases
Sid Freedman's been working on.

- All right, you can park him.
He's staying.
- Yes, sir.

I'm in charge, and I say he's
not staying. He's not wounded.

And probably just another litter
salesman trying to suck us in
with a free demonstration.

He goes to Tokyo,
and that's an order.

Cancel the order.
We'll take the patient.

I outrank them, corpsman.
I can have you punished.

We can do better than that.
We'll stitch your helmet to your head.

- [Trapper] This way.
- You two are gonna pay for this.

- Not on our salary.
- We'd like to apologize
for Major Ferret Face.

He used to be a driver for Hitler
till the bomb went off.

Been losing screws
and clickin' his heels ever since.

Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce.

Did I interrupt you
in the middle of someone?

Good. Listen, we got a kid
up here who's paralyzed...

but he's sustained
no wounds at all.

Yeah. Combat exhaustion,
I figured.

Listen, I'd love for you to come up here
and try your new therapy on him.

Well, I've been trying to do it
in my own crude way, but...

Look, I... I know
you're busy. I'm busy too.

We're all busy. The war is
making us all millionaires.

I can't do it.
I'm not a psychiatrist.

I'm not screwed up enough.

Okay, I'll try.

I'll try.

[Sighs]

- What did Sidney say?
- He said I should go ahead
and do it. I'll be "wonderful."

- Watch this kind of wonderful.
- Captain Pierce, I want a word with you.

- Fine. You want to act it out
or whisper it in my ear?
- It's about Corporal Travis.

Because of your orders,
we're having to change his bed
around the clock.

Well, you have my permission
to move the clock.

- You're disrupting my nurses' routine.
- Look, Clara...

I'm not issuing a bedpan license
to anybody who can walk
on his own two feet, okay?

That is the most inhumane,
degrading thing I've ever heard of.

- How can you be so cruel?
- Tight shorts.

Cuts off the oxygen supply
to my brain.

[Sighs]
Morning, Corporal.

You're still a U.S. Soldier!
I expect you to look at me
when I address you!

Lot of people here
at Cockroach General...

think that you can't
do anything for yourself,
like, like walk or anything.

I don't think that's true.
What do you think?

I think you're wrong.

Yeah, but your legs
are on my side.

What's that mean?

They're both still there,
each on the correct side.

You haven't got a scratch inside or out.
They can function.

You wanna tell me
about the tanks?

What happened after
the tanks came?

Look, we all have
our breaking point.

Personally, mine is at 2:00,
4:00 and 6:00 every day.

It's a condition known in
medical terms as "yellow belly".

I survive by keeping a standing
reservation at the latrine...

and screaming into
my pillow every night.

Of course, that's not
everybody's style.

Okay, you'll tell me
when you're ready.

Meanwhile, muscles have
a way of being very vindictive.

You don't take 'em out
for a walk once in a while,
they try to stay home permanently.

In fact, you lie there long enough,
when you go home...

you're gonna get yourself
a good job as a doorstop!

Save the room service.
He's takin' the shoe leather
express to the mess tent.

- He can't eat in there.
- Who can?

I hear the specialty today
is "trench" toast.

Doctor, the patient
obviously can't walk.

Well, then he can crawl,
or he can go hungry!
Whatever you prefer!

Sir, don't you think
I want to move?

Well, it'll come in handy
when you get sent back to the front.

Otherwise, you're gonna be a pretty big
papoose for somebody's backpack!

Not easy, is it?

Do you know that Hitler and I
have the same answering service?

- [Henry Whistling]
- [Radar] Here, doggie, doggie.

Poor little doggie, all alone
in a foreign country, lost.

- That dog is Korean, Radar.
It barks in Korean.
- Oh.

- [Henry Sighs]
- [Radar Whistling]

- You... You... You wanna quit, sir?
- [Sighs]

No, no.

But if I shake hands
with one more farmer,
I'll probably be elected to office.

- Aw, I'm sorry, sir. It's all my fault.
- It's all my fault.

It wouldn't have happened
if I never let you have that zoo.

I should've seen it comin'...

first time you came in
with that little field mouse
and asked us to fit him for glasses.

[Both Whistling]

[Radar]
Here, doggie.

- How's your hand?
- It's okay.

- [Radar] Oh, hello, Mrs. Rosie.
- [Henry] Hi, Rosie.

Hello, Colonel Blake. Radar.

What do ya hear, Rosie?

Well, the Philippines just arrived
with 50,000 cakes of soap...

- Janet Leigh's marrying
Tony Curtis...
- [Whistles]

And it looks like Ike's got
this nomination all sewn up.

Boy, you really have
all the poop, don't you?

Yeah, uh, speaking of poop,
you haven't seen...

a little dog around here,
have you, Miss Rosie?

- A little white and brown one?
- Uh, no, sir, it was more
brown than white, actually...

- It's just a basic dog about
so high with a little wet nose.
- He was brown.

- It bit Radar on the hand.
- Are you all right, Corporal?

Uh, yes, ma'am, as long as
I don't start acting rabid.

- You haven't seen him, huh?
- I don't think so.

[Speaking Korean]

[Korean]

- Oh, they've seen your dog, Colonel.
- Oh, where? When? Ask him.

[Korean Continues]

- Uh, what'd he say? What'd he say?
- "K-Kay... Kay koom moouh."

- "Kay koom moouh. Kay koom..."
- They say, "It was delicious."

Holy Toledo.
"Dog stew."

Radar, these guys took your dog home
in a people bag.

I'm sorry, Corporal.

How could they do that,
eat a dog?

Must have been
a hell of a bun.

It's a very common dish
among our older people.

Did this dog have anything
around its neck like, uh, tags?

[Korean]

- They ate the tags too?
- They say their dinner
wasn't wearing that.

- Oh! Then it's not my one then, sir.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, great. Wonderful.
- Sir, wonderful...

- Wait a minute. We're still
not out of the woods, Radar.
- What do you mean?

I mean, as long as that mutt's
still missing, you're gonna
have to start the rabies shots.

- The shots...
- Look, I'll be right there with ya.

And I come visit you.
I'll bring you something special to eat.

Oh, no, thanks,
Mrs. Rosie.

I'm not feeling very hungry
in the future.

It's just fever from
the vaccine, Corporal.

Yes, ma'am.

Aren't you gonna read
your letter?

Oh, I get sort of carsick
when I read in bed.

Would you, for me?

Well, it's from a young lady.
It might be intimate or personal.

Oh, that's okay. I don't
know anybody personally.

Well, all right, but rest assured,
I won't listen to a word I read.

"Dear Corporal O'Reilly,
you don't know me, but Mrs. Kittley...

"whose cashier where I work
and also a Red Cross lady...

"gave me your name off a list
as a young red-blooded
American soldier...

"I could make happy
with a letter from home.

"So I did. I know you are
busy with the war...

"laying down your life, etcetera,
so may not have time to write back.

"If so, please check one...
Yes, I can answer this; No, I cannot.

"And now a little bit
about myself.

"I am 17 years old and my name
is Wanda Nell McCandless.

"I live in Catoosa, Oklahoma...

"and work in candy
at Kress's Five and Dime.

"That's probably why everyone
tells me I'm sweet. Ha ha.

"How do you like me so far:
Yes/no?

"My favorite song is
'Oh, the Wayward Wind is a Restless'
by Gogi Grant...

"and 'Pretty Thing,'
'Diddy Wah Diddy' by Bo Diddley.

Do you agree: Yes/no?"

- Which one?
- [Muffled] The... The second one.

The "Diddy Bo Diddy" thing?

"By writing this letter,
I feel I'm doing my own small part
for my country.

Would you like to go steady?
If so, would we have to go all the way?"

Oh, no.

Especially on the first letter.

"Because I'm not allowed
to do that for my country,
although there are some do.

Do you know Sharon Kay LaFever:
Yes/no?"

No.

"If so, she's one that does.

"Hope you don't get killed in action
before this gets there.

"Please send me a picture of you
in your uniform and I'll
send you one of me in mine.

"S-W-A-K, Wanda Nell.

"P.S. If asked, people say I am
a very pleasant-looking young lady.

"How would you describe yourself?

"Check one: Made in heaven,
adorable, not bad...

need help, really hurting."

Corporal?

V-A-l-L-N-E-S-S.

There it is, Scrabble fans,
and that's the end of the game.

"Vailness"? "Vailness."
What the devil does "vailness" mean?

It means he's losing.
Take that off.

- I swear it's a word.
I swear it on Frank's life.
- "Vailness"?

"Vailness."

A quality of"vail."

The act of"vailing."

To be full of"vaily."

Aw, come on.
Henry, it's your turn.

I quit. What am I gonna do
with an "X" and a "zikm"?

Somebody plays a "ray,"
you can take your "X"
and blow this game wide open.

Okay, okay.
What I need is another drink.

What's the matter
with the one you got?

Oh.

[Exhales]
For one thing, it's gone.

Poor little tyke,
his first shot.

Pretty rough, you know.
All alone in the hospital.

Henry, he is
with other patients.

Who would find it very strange
to see their doctor...

crawling into bed
with one of them.

Yeah, but why Radar?
Such a good kid.

Tell you what. After lights out,
we'll go over there
and we'll entertain him...

- with little bunny shadows on the wall.
- [Knocking]

- I'm closed.
- Colonel, I know you're in there.

That's very good, Frank.
Now can you describe what he's wearing?

- Colonel...
- Frank, whatever it is...

just write it down and put it
on my desk where I can't find it.

I just tripped over
Captain Pierce's patient.

- He was crawling into the mess tent.
- Terrific.

Is this the battle fatigue case?

- Uh-huh.
- It's disgraceful.

A United States soldier
crawling on the ground.

Try telling that
to the infantry, Frank.

That man's a psycho,
and for some perverted reason...

these two want
to play games with him.

- We're just following
Sid Freedman's advice.
- Sid's the best.

You get a soldier
who has hysterical paralysis...

and you treat him as though
he's really paralyzed,
and he'll become sick...

just to rationalize the guilt of
leaving his buddies at the front.

Anyone who needs psychiatry
is sick in the head.

Aw, can it, Frank.

Go ahead.

Sid feels you take
a patient like that...

and send him back
to a nice, clean hospital,
it just deepens the guilt.

You send him home
and it sets it in concrete.

[Trapper] Yeah. He's been
treating his patients as close
to the front as possible...

with the idea that they'll
return to their unit.

Otherwise, they get sent
stateside, and... and...

one moment's failure on
the battlefield becomes
a lifetime disability.

- Sid gotten good results?
- Good enough to keep trying.

It's a bunch o' hooey, Colonel.
I'm taking this to a higher authority.

Aw, Frank, you're not gonna
call your mother again?

You know, it seems to me the fact
that he made it to the mess tent
at all is a good sign.

- Oh, very good.
- Yeah. Now if we could
just get him to open up...

- Oh, very good.
- Yeah. Now if we could
just get him to open up...

about what happened,
talk it all out.

Unfortunately, in his eyes,
I'm just left of Godzilla.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Why don't I give it a try?

My wife says I'm easy to talk to...
whenever we're talkin'.

[Footsteps Approaching]

I hear, you and I have
something in common.

You're from Boston.

That's where I interned
when I wasn't tryin'
to sneak into the ballpark.

You ever watch
the Red Sox at Fenway?

I grew up at Fenway.

[Quietly]
Radar?

Can you hear me?
It's me.

I'm sorry about the car, Dad.
I had to swerve to miss the lake.

[Moans]

We really miss you
around the place.

- [Sighs]
- Radar?

Are you sure your parents
won't be home till later?

Ted Williams drafted?

- You sure?
- He's on his way to the R.O.K.

Oh, they can't do that.

The Sox'll never take
the pennant without him.

531 times at bat last year
and an average of.318.

- Radar?
- Hmm?

I really hate
to bother you with this...

but could you
just think for a second...

where the key to the bottom
of my liquor cabinet might be?

Mm-hmm.

- Well, where is it?
- Um...

Oh, it's under the welcome mat
on the back porch.

Radar, we don't have
a back porch.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I'll request one
for you right away.

Doesn't seem fair.

He was having
such a great year.

Weren't you,
before you were drafted?

Yeah...

but I bet he'll do
a lot better over here.

Better than who?

Those tanks, they just
kept coming and coming...

and they were so big.

They were so big, you know?

And... they killed everyone.

And... And they killed 'em
even after they were dead.

I... I tried.

I really tried...

but I couldn't move.

I didn't... fire my rifle...

I didn't throw my grenade...

God, I didn't do anything.

I just laid there
like some coward...

- [Sniffling]
- It's all right, Corporal.

- It's all right.
- [Crying]

[Chittering]

Okay, there's no rabies
in this group.

Now, so that none of us
ever have to go through this again...

- [Chittering]
- I'm gonna vaccinate
all your little hoo-has.

[Dog Barks]

[Barking]

Steal the sign from
the nurses' tent?

Mclntyre...

stand still and pretend
you're not here.

I do that all day long.

I think Radar's dog
came home to roost.

[Barks]

Just gonna ease over...
nice and friendly...

- and grab him!
- Come on, let's go!

[Barking Continues]

- Hey! Doggie!
- Come on, dog!

- [Shouting Continues]
- [Barking]

- [Trapper]
Look out! Mad dog! Look out!
- [Women Screaming]

- Look out.
- Watch it.

- Where's he going?
- He's going behind the mess tent.

- He's going behind the mess tent.
- Look out!

- [Dog Snarling, Barking]
- [Henry] Oh, my goodness.

- [Barking]
- Look out!

- Mad dog! Look out!
- [Women Screaming]

- Radar.
- Huh?

- We found the dog and it's negative.
You're gonna be okay.
- Oh!

- No more shots?
- Not on your Aunt Fanny.

- Then I'm gonna live past 18.
- [Chuckles]

A deal's a deal, sir:

No more "hells," "damns"
and especially not the big one...

no more fibs, and I promise
I won't watch my rabbits
mess around anymore.

So whatever Major Houlihan
says is what I feel.

Anything I could add would
be of little consequence.

- I won't argue with you there, Frank.
- You rang, Henry?

It's very simple, Colonel.
Either you ship Travis out...

or the major and I will simply
have to go over your head.

Well, you've done that so many times,
I've got athlete's scalp.

- How's the Travis kid coming?
- I think okay. Give him a few more days.

Keeping that man here
defies every medical precept.

So do you, Frank.
You're an incredible example
of death after life.

- Colonel, did you hear that?
- Yeah, I heard that...

[All Arguing]

[Arguing Stops]

Uh, Captain Pierce, sir?

I'm standing.

Great position.
He had no idea you were so tall.

Otherwise, he wouldn't have
been rough on you.

I'm not usually a pushover for a uniform,
but I love ya, kid, I really do.

- Margaret, I was wrong.
- Oh.

You're always wrong, Frank.
That's what's so right about you.

Come on.
I'll buy some bad coffee.

- Travis, this time you walk
to the mess tent.
- Hey.

- Where's my Sunbather's Annual?
- I don't know.

- What are you reading?
- Ladies'HomeJournal.

I'm taking a test to see
if I'm a thoughtful wife.

- What's that, Frank?
- Medical journal.

You know, the Travis case
reminded me of...

the importance of keeping
up-to-date medically.

- Oh, very good, Frank.
- Yeah. For instance...

this article, it suggests
that on major surgery...

a doctor should base his fee on
5%% of the patient's yearly income.

Hey, stop that!

Come on, you guys!
Hey! Help!