M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 12 - A Full Rich Day - full transcript
Hawkeye recounts the "well rounded day of insanity," of the previous OR session, on a tape recorder for his father. It starts with a bus full of wounded UN soldiers; Frank is supposed to be in charge of their triage. One soldier, wrapped in a tight "sandwich" stretcher, is a Turk whom even Klinger calls crazy. With a "drugstore" already pumped into the Turk's arm, he is still able to slice through canvas, wounds and all, and wave a huge knife at the triage team. Frank is chicken, so Klinger has to give the Turk more morphine. But, the Turkish Rasputin wakes up again, before his surgery; he yells, sedates Henry and escapes. A Luxembourg lieutenant was supposed to be on the bus, but he cannot be found. U.S. soldier, Lt. Smith, really wants Sgt. Bryan taken out of the jeep and given immediate top priority. Colonel Blanche, Commander of Luxumbourg forces, arrives looking for a Lt. Henri Batiste LeClerq; Radar says LeClerq is dead and his body is missing. As Frank and Trapper operate on Sgt. Bryan, at gunpoint, Blanche is upset his Lt. cannot be found. And, one murderous Turk is on the loose. When Lt. Smith collapses at the doctors' feet, Trapper feels bad; Lt. Smith was just as badly wounded as his buddy for whom he demanded treatment. A military ceremony resolves problems. But, Radar, clad in a toga, is an unwilling date to find "Cinli." Radar cannot hold his prune juice.
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Dear Dad.
Something new has been
added: A tape recorder.
One of our guys stole it
from the Tokyo PX.
He gave it to a nurse
as a carnal bribe...
and then she gave it
to Father Mulcahy...
in a gin-induced
fit of remorse.
Father Mulcahy
gave it to me...
because he didn't want anybody
to think he was taping confessions.
Our program originates
from the Swamp.
Which is the subject of a picture spread
in next month's Toilet and Garden.
Not five feet away from me,
I see TrapperJohn Mclntyre...
cutting his toenails.
He sells them to the tourists
as war souvenirs.
Say hello, Trapper.
Hello, Trapper.
Isn't he clever?
He had the bolt in his neck
tightened yesterday.
Speaking of which...
yesterday, that is...
we had what is known
around the 4-0-double-7...
as a full, rich day.
It started out in triage.
That's the process of assigning
the wounded medical priority...
who's hurt the worst,
who's sicker than who.
- On the subject of sick,
Frank Burns was in charge.
- Move, move, move.
I share quarters with Frank...
- Frank and a family of roaches
and a herd of silverfish.
- Driver!
- Frank is the tall one.
- Where's the driver?
I want the driver
of this bus, chop-chop.
- What do you want the driver for?
- I want to know what we got on this bus!
Migrant workers, Frank.
They came to pick the lettuce crop.
Give this man a unit
of whole blood.
He didn't make the ride.
I can't find a tag.
This must be
the Luxembourg lieutenant.
- Are you the driver of this bus?
- Yes, sir.
I've ordered you
not to wear dresses.
Oh, not till I get
a psycho discharge, sir.
- Over my dead body.
- Whatever you say, sir.
Where's your S-47 manifest
and D-21 triplicate?
You should have given those
to me immediately.
Sir, these men
are hurt and bleeding.
Did you give them permission to bleed?
Did they fill in their pain forms?
Oh, stuff it, you wagster!
- What about him?
- Leave him. He can wait.
[Man Over P.A.] Pierce and Mclntyre
report to O.R. Immediately.
Move it, sirs.
All yours, Frank.
Not too many decisions, now.
You don't want to get a headache.
What have you got there?
- I said, what have you got there?
- A sandwich case, Major.
- You want him back-up or belly-up?
- [Man Shouting]
[Shouting In Foreign Language]
Turkish soldier, sir.
I'm pretty nuts...
but this guy could open
a crazy school.
[Turkish]
- Why wasn't this man sedated?
- He was, sir.
They pumped a whole
drugstore into his arm.
He's got a busted shoulder
and a fanny full of lead...
but these Turks won't leave
their buddies for nothing.
- [Shouts]
- Right.
You want to take away
that knife of his?
I'm not interested
in mock heroism.
I'll settle for
the real thing, sir.
Get him to pre-op!
They'll sedate him!
Klinger, I want to see you
out of that dress... tonight!
Never on a first date, sir.
Don't sneak down on me
like that.
- I'm sorry, Major.
- What happened to saluting, Corporal?
Beats me, sir. Have you seen
the Luxembourg lieutenant?
Mclntyre says he's supposed to be
on this bus, but I can't find anybody...
I don't care what Captain Mclntyre
said. I have never cared.
And at this moment, I don't care
twice as much as I never cared before!
Hey!
Excuse me.
I need some help.
I believe a salute
is in order, Lieutenant.
- Uh, here's a salute for you, sir.
- What's your outfit, buddy?
I'd appreciate some help right now.
I asked your outfit.
My sergeant, Sergeant Bryan,
is in the back of the jeep.
He's badly hurt. I want you to
take care of him immediately.
Look, Lieutenant,
I know how difficult this war is.
It probably seems even worse
to you people at the front.
Your Sergeant Bryan will be processed
and taken care of in due course.
[Rifle Cocks]
Now.
Sir...
that's one of those new guns,
can shoot 30 corporals a second.
I make the medical decisions
around here, Lieutenant.
Decide.
Are you threatening me
with that thing?
Yes, sir.
- Corporal? You're a witness.
- Sir?
I sure wish I could go
and report it, sir.
Just stay right here
and keep an eye on this man.
I think Colonel Blake will have a little
something to say about all this.
Hi.
Where does that door go?
That's the pre-op...
p-preparation before operating.
All right. Get another man
and take Sergeant Bryan in there.
Only surgical personnel
can go in there, sir.
- Do it.
- That's a great idea.
Why don't I just get a man and
do just like you wanted me to?
[Hawkeye] You have no idea, Dad,
what a calming effect...
Frank Burns has in pre-op.
Not unlike Dracula
showing up at a blood bank.
Fortunately, we can,
in times of stress...
always rely on
Henry Blake's cool eloquence.
Will you hold
your bladder, Frank?
I tell you,
he threatened me with a gun!
It probably had
no water in it, Frank.
- Is this the crazy Turk?
- Yeah.
I gave him half a grain
of morphine, sir.
Never mind about the crazy Turk.
There's a crazy American out there.
Sorry, Frank. This is
the crazy Turk hospital.
The crazy American hospital's
on the other side of town.
Get him on the table.
You just didn't read the guy
right or something, Frank.
I mean, nobody walks in and
sticks up a MASH unit at gunpoint.
- Bring him in.
- Colonel...
- Who's the head man here?
- Um, he is.
You rank
this chicken lover?
Well, I'm the...
I'm the senior officer.
Sir, my name is Smith.
This is Sergeant Bryan.
He's one of the finest men alive, and
we're going to keep him alive, right?
And he's gonna get
top priority, right?
Now, look here,
Lieutenant, uh...
- Smith.
- That's right.
First thing you're gonna do,
Smith, is put that gun down.
Guns have a way of going off,
which is usually followed by...
parts of the body
breaking away.
Why don't Lieutenant Smith
and I have a talk outside?
- Okay.
- Oh, no. Not till someone...
Meanwhile, your friend
will be looked at by Colonel Blake
and Major Chicken Lover.
Let's go, shall we?
You're just spreading
germs in here.
Is that the guy, Frank?
Uh-huh.
- You smoke?
- No.
Oh, good for you. The country's
littered with butts as it is.
Turning South Korea
into an ashtray.
- They call you Smitty?
- Some.
They call me Hawkeye.
That's from
The Last of the Mohicans...
the only book
my father ever read.
Mother read all the time. That way
she didn't have to talk to Father.
Uh, look, Smitty. I'm gonna have to go
serious on you about this thing, okay?
Yes, sir.
We have a different perspective
on war as a whole...
than I think
is possible for you.
To a line officer with 30 or 40 guys'
lives depending on them...
and with your life
depending on them...
the war's not some big geopolitical
conflict between nations and ideologies.
It's not just China and America sticking
their tongues out at each other.
To you, there's maybe 30 or 40 guys
in that high grass over there...
trying to kill me
and my 30 or 40 guys.
- It's that concentrated.
To you, that's the entire war.
- I guess that's right.
But it's something else
in our little heaven.
To us, the war is trying
very hard to control chaos.
We're up to our bottoms
in other people's bottoms here.
We can't afford the same kind
of fierce personal loyalties...
that you and Sergeant Bryan
feel for each other.
Can you understand that?
I sure can.
It's the size of the wound,
who's bleeding the most buckets...
that we give priority to.
It's the only place I know where being
the worst makes you the best.
Yeah. I sure can see
what you mean.
I thought you would.
Now, get back in there
and fix Sergeant Bryan...
or else, understand?
Perfectly.
- Number ten blade.
- Number ten.
Aah! Frank! I don't mind you trying
to make a soup bone out of my thumb...
but if we screw up on Sergeant Bryan
here, the fella who's outside...
paying the bills
might get very angry.
We wouldn't want
his credit card to go off.
Giving in to that lieutenant
is the height of cowardice.
Coming from you,
that's a compliment.
Keep quiet, or we won't let you keep
the deposit on the specimen bottles.
Let me see those X rays
again, Mr. Kwang.
[Hawkeye]
How's the mad Turk doing, Henry?
I could sell his left shoulder
as a jigsaw puzzle.
Colonel!
- Frank, will you just...
- Henry, your patient!
Oh, for Pete's sake.
All right, you.
On your back.
Attaboy. Bomb him,
will you, Mr. Kwang?
[Shouts]
What the hell is he saying?
- Why don't we all go
to Berlitz and find out?
- He's your patient! Get him!
Now, look, look.
I mean, nobody wants
to hurt you, guy.
Keep it up, Henry.
Lovely, Henry.
Just give me
the needle, huh?
Just give me the...
- [All Gasping]
- [Henry] Guard! Mayday!
- Mayday!
- 99, 98...
97...
Good night, sweet prince.
Are you feeling
better, sir?
I dreamt I was home.
Sunday morning.
Lorraine and me in bed.
All of us:
The kids, the dog...
the Sunday papers.
You can never put that dog
next to any papers.
- Uh, yes, sir.
- Where's the Turk, Radar?
Did we get him?
Oh, not yet, sir.
We're combing the entire area.
Fool could have killed me.
I get the wrong kind of shot,
I turn blue and curl up in a ball.
There's someone waiting
to see you, sir.
I was born with someone
waiting to see me.
[Radar]
Right in here, sir.
Lt. Colonel Blake,
I am Colonel Blanche...
commander of the Luxembourg
contingent to the U.N. Forces in Korea.
Well, this is a privilege.
I've met many of our allies
over here, sir...
but you're the first,
um, um...
Luxembourger.
One of my men,
Lt. Henri Batiste LeClerq...
he was wounded and brought
to your unit today.
Well, I'm sure he's getting the very
best care we can give him, Colonel.
- Uh, sir?
- Hmm?
- That won't be necessary.
- Of course it's necessary.
- What are you talking about?
- Lieutenant LeClerq sort of, um...
died, sir.
Oh? Oh, I'm sorry.
Those are the fortunes of war.
Are you dead sure, Radar?
I mean...
Well, we think that he
more or less had passed on...
when he was brought in on the bus.
You will understand,
Colonel Blake...
that it is of the utmost importance
to our small nation...
that I recover the body
for appropriate military honors.
Yes, sir.
We'll have that body for you...
before you can say
"Jacques Robinson." Radar?
Well...
Now, sir, the thing is
that we've sort of, um...
misplaced him, sir...
lost him, you might say.
We've lost him?
And that, sir, is not at all...
one of the fortunes of war.
I will not leave here
without him.
- I want this camp turned upside-down.
- I'll have the place turned upside-down.
- I'll find him; I promise.
- There'll be no not finding him.
Clear?
He'll find him.
We lose 'em all the time.
You still there, Dad?
I am, most unfortunately,
still here.
I wrote a letter to
General MacArthur last week...
suggesting the war
be declared a draw.
He sent me back an autographed
picture of himself...
wading ashore
at the Philippines.
Right now, my manservant Trapper
is mixing me a martini.
He makes them beautifully.
He made me an especially dry one
last night, but it blew away.
Your recipe is
four to one, is it not?
[Mock British Accent]
Five to one, actually.
Uh, five parts gin and one moment's
silence for the vermouth.
Thank you. I'm sure our listeners
found that boring...
without actually being
interesting at all.
- No trouble.
- Getting back to yesterday, Dad...
Trapper and Frank Burns
worked on Sergeant Bryan...
with a devotion unmatched since
Dr. Mudd worked onJohn Wilkes Booth.
- Clamp, clamp, clamp.
- How's he doing? Okay?
Okay. Clamp.
[Hawkeye] Lt. Smith sat in on the
session with his E-flat alto carbine.
At one point, Corporal O'Reilly
came scurrying along...
on his two little feet,
which incidentally is also his height.
Sir! Sir?
- I found him!
- Found who, Radar? Mr. Right? Who?
The Turkish soldier!
I need help!
- Ask Colonel Blake.
- He keeps, uh, falling asleep.
- How can you tell?
- I'll get your bag.
- Where is the Turk, Radar?
- He's hiding in the kitchen.
If he eats any of our food,
our problems may be over.
Uh, hello?
Now, look, fella. I realize
that to you, the war's not just...
some geopolitical conflict
of nations and ideologies.
- [Shouts]
- [Radar Gasps]
That's twice
that didn't work.
I don't think
he speaks any English.
If he understands fear,
we're in business.
The U.N. Puts out
this Turkish dictionary.
Well, they're certainly gonna get
my Christmas card business.
- Look up, uh...
- Cinli!
Cinli... that's good.
Look that up.
Look under-under "ch"
for Cinli.
Cinli!
Hurry up, Radar,
before his eyeballs explode.
- Chinese! It means Chinese!
- Chinese!
- [Turkish]
- He certainly doesn't seem too
crazy about you-know-whats.
- Yeah.
- I got an idea.
Whatever it is,
I love it.
Momentito.
- Cinli!
- Cinli!
- [Foreign Language]
- [Gibberish]
I think he just wants to get back to his
outfit so he can kill more Chinese.
Chinese!
Cinli! And that's just
what we're gonna let him do.
- But his shoulder... He needs attention!
- Don't argue, Radar!
- [Shouts]
- [Shouts]
He needs clothes.
- Right.
- Give him yours.
- Huh?
- Get undressed, Radar, fast...
or I'll pull you
right out of your boots!
I send you...
back to front.
[Making Artillery Sounds]
- In a jeep.
- Jeep?
So you can...
all the Cinli you want...
to your Turkish delight.
Okay?
- Okay.
- [Cleaver Clatters]
Good Joe.
Damn good Joe.
Get undressed, Radar.
I'm sorry
there's no band.
[Frank] Come on, Lieutenant.
I can't see anything.
- [Trapper] Lap sponge.
- [Nurse Able] Lap Sponge.
- Rats!
- Watch it, Frank.
- [Smith] What did he do?
- Nothing! Mm!
Don't sweat, Lieutenant. That's what
he usually does around here.
No slipups, understand?
Hey, look, pal. It's hard enough playing
cat's cradle with someone's guts.
You don't make it any easier standing
there with that coffee grinder.
- This isn't the Old West, you know.
- Just keep working.
Boy, you guys at the front...
You think you own the war.
Well, it's not easy
back here, you know...
the noise, the pressure.
I'd like to see how tough you'd be
if you didn't have to be so brave.
Hey, Frank, you're sucking around
for a blast of friendly gunfire.
[Trapper] Frank, let's get ready
to close. I'll clean him up.
- Okay.
- Can we have a little irrigation?
You sirs seen a body in here
should be somewhere else?
Yeah, Klinger: Mine.
- Suture.
- Suture.
Boy, if this doesn't
take the cake.
Sending a wounded man
back to the front in my clothes...
and toasting it
with prune juice.
Radar, in my bag,
right on top...
is a brown bottle
with clear liquid.
Nice, clear liquid.
Put some in
our friend here's juice.
And you jeep him out of camp, but you
won't get more than half a mile...
- before he falls asleep, and bang-o.
- Bang-o!
Right. And you drive him
right back here...
and we put him in the shop
for some body work.
Ready, Skippy?
- Here's to chloryl hydrate.
- Chloryl hydrate. Okay?
You bet your mustache.
- Frank, would you do me a favor?
- Sure.
Next time we work together,
let's do it apart.
- Love your toga, Radar.
- Just nobody say nothing to me.
Corner of 57 th Street
and the war, and step on it.
I've had this place
turned upside-out.
I can't understand it.
- Did you see that?
- Just my corporal riding
around in a sheet, sir.
There's so little
for the men to do.
- That was my jeep. He has stolen it.
- Oh, I don't think so.
It's not like Radar to steal
anything without asking.
Colonel, I'll get the jeep back.
Don't worry.
But as for Lt. LeClerq,
since we can't seem to locate him...
maybe we could perform a brief
ceremony honoring his loss.
That is, your losing him,
not our losing him.
That is very thoughtful.
Well, I think it's
the very "lost" we can do.
Hey, look, pal, It's been
a well-rounded day of insanity...
to which your contribution
is no longer welcome.
So you can knock off the heroics
and drop the fowling piece.
And I'd lay off watching those
movies where the hero always says...
"Hey, take my buddy first.
He's hurt worse than me, Doc."
Right? Wrong.
It's his chest and shoulder.
Recruiting office got their
money's worth out of this guy.
- Let's prep him.
- And you can remove
my foot from my mouth.
It's about a size 12-ectomy.
Corpsman!
Three-oh silk
on a Keith needle.
[Man Over P.A.]
Attention. All available personnel...
will assemble
in the compound...
for a memorial tribute personally
conducted by Colonel Henry Blake.
Finish closing, my dear.
We'll split the fee.
Lost but not least...
I mean, uh,
last but not lost, the...
Oh, boy.
This command salutes
the gallant spirit...
if not the actual body
of Lt. Henry Batiste LeClerq.
Tony, hit it.
##[Piano Over P.A.]
[Man Over P.A.]
The national anthem of Luxembourg.
##[Piano Continues]
##[Continues]
LeClerq!
[Gasps]
##[Continues]
I thought you said he was dead.
He got better.
[Hawkeye] He never could
handle his prune juice.
- Dennis, Igor, give me a hand.
- [Turkish]
- Okay?
- No okay. You hold it just one second.
You're gonna stay here.
I got to fix you up. I fix you.
- You sick. You got that?
- Damn good Joe.
Okay?
- Hey, wait!
- Where are you going?
[Both Shouting]
- Hey!
- Hey!
Yeah, well, that's how it is:
You lose a few and you lose a few.
- ##[Ukulele]
- This is almost all run out, Dad, so...
before it's over, I thought you might
like to hear from some of the guys here.
Trapper, want to say
hello to my dad?
Hello, Dad.
Your son's no good.
Thank you, Trapper. This is
my other bunkie, Dad: Frank Burns.
Oh, I know. And then that thing
squirts water in my face.
That's Frank Burns,
Dad, all over.
- [Snoring]
- Radar?
Would you like to, uh,
snore something for my father?
[Snoring]
Thank you, Radar O'Reilly.
And the ever-lovely
Henry Blake.
Um, Mr. Pierce, sir...
I'd be mighty grateful if you'd
call my wife, Lorraine Blake...
in Bloomington, Illinois.
- Thank you, Henry.
- And ask her to send some new shorts.
Okay.
Well, it's, uh...
It's just about
all over, Dad.
Good-bye,
[Sighs]
And, uh...
hope I see you soon.
Dear Dad.
Something new has been
added: A tape recorder.
One of our guys stole it
from the Tokyo PX.
He gave it to a nurse
as a carnal bribe...
and then she gave it
to Father Mulcahy...
in a gin-induced
fit of remorse.
Father Mulcahy
gave it to me...
because he didn't want anybody
to think he was taping confessions.
Our program originates
from the Swamp.
Which is the subject of a picture spread
in next month's Toilet and Garden.
Not five feet away from me,
I see TrapperJohn Mclntyre...
cutting his toenails.
He sells them to the tourists
as war souvenirs.
Say hello, Trapper.
Hello, Trapper.
Isn't he clever?
He had the bolt in his neck
tightened yesterday.
Speaking of which...
yesterday, that is...
we had what is known
around the 4-0-double-7...
as a full, rich day.
It started out in triage.
That's the process of assigning
the wounded medical priority...
who's hurt the worst,
who's sicker than who.
- On the subject of sick,
Frank Burns was in charge.
- Move, move, move.
I share quarters with Frank...
- Frank and a family of roaches
and a herd of silverfish.
- Driver!
- Frank is the tall one.
- Where's the driver?
I want the driver
of this bus, chop-chop.
- What do you want the driver for?
- I want to know what we got on this bus!
Migrant workers, Frank.
They came to pick the lettuce crop.
Give this man a unit
of whole blood.
He didn't make the ride.
I can't find a tag.
This must be
the Luxembourg lieutenant.
- Are you the driver of this bus?
- Yes, sir.
I've ordered you
not to wear dresses.
Oh, not till I get
a psycho discharge, sir.
- Over my dead body.
- Whatever you say, sir.
Where's your S-47 manifest
and D-21 triplicate?
You should have given those
to me immediately.
Sir, these men
are hurt and bleeding.
Did you give them permission to bleed?
Did they fill in their pain forms?
Oh, stuff it, you wagster!
- What about him?
- Leave him. He can wait.
[Man Over P.A.] Pierce and Mclntyre
report to O.R. Immediately.
Move it, sirs.
All yours, Frank.
Not too many decisions, now.
You don't want to get a headache.
What have you got there?
- I said, what have you got there?
- A sandwich case, Major.
- You want him back-up or belly-up?
- [Man Shouting]
[Shouting In Foreign Language]
Turkish soldier, sir.
I'm pretty nuts...
but this guy could open
a crazy school.
[Turkish]
- Why wasn't this man sedated?
- He was, sir.
They pumped a whole
drugstore into his arm.
He's got a busted shoulder
and a fanny full of lead...
but these Turks won't leave
their buddies for nothing.
- [Shouts]
- Right.
You want to take away
that knife of his?
I'm not interested
in mock heroism.
I'll settle for
the real thing, sir.
Get him to pre-op!
They'll sedate him!
Klinger, I want to see you
out of that dress... tonight!
Never on a first date, sir.
Don't sneak down on me
like that.
- I'm sorry, Major.
- What happened to saluting, Corporal?
Beats me, sir. Have you seen
the Luxembourg lieutenant?
Mclntyre says he's supposed to be
on this bus, but I can't find anybody...
I don't care what Captain Mclntyre
said. I have never cared.
And at this moment, I don't care
twice as much as I never cared before!
Hey!
Excuse me.
I need some help.
I believe a salute
is in order, Lieutenant.
- Uh, here's a salute for you, sir.
- What's your outfit, buddy?
I'd appreciate some help right now.
I asked your outfit.
My sergeant, Sergeant Bryan,
is in the back of the jeep.
He's badly hurt. I want you to
take care of him immediately.
Look, Lieutenant,
I know how difficult this war is.
It probably seems even worse
to you people at the front.
Your Sergeant Bryan will be processed
and taken care of in due course.
[Rifle Cocks]
Now.
Sir...
that's one of those new guns,
can shoot 30 corporals a second.
I make the medical decisions
around here, Lieutenant.
Decide.
Are you threatening me
with that thing?
Yes, sir.
- Corporal? You're a witness.
- Sir?
I sure wish I could go
and report it, sir.
Just stay right here
and keep an eye on this man.
I think Colonel Blake will have a little
something to say about all this.
Hi.
Where does that door go?
That's the pre-op...
p-preparation before operating.
All right. Get another man
and take Sergeant Bryan in there.
Only surgical personnel
can go in there, sir.
- Do it.
- That's a great idea.
Why don't I just get a man and
do just like you wanted me to?
[Hawkeye] You have no idea, Dad,
what a calming effect...
Frank Burns has in pre-op.
Not unlike Dracula
showing up at a blood bank.
Fortunately, we can,
in times of stress...
always rely on
Henry Blake's cool eloquence.
Will you hold
your bladder, Frank?
I tell you,
he threatened me with a gun!
It probably had
no water in it, Frank.
- Is this the crazy Turk?
- Yeah.
I gave him half a grain
of morphine, sir.
Never mind about the crazy Turk.
There's a crazy American out there.
Sorry, Frank. This is
the crazy Turk hospital.
The crazy American hospital's
on the other side of town.
Get him on the table.
You just didn't read the guy
right or something, Frank.
I mean, nobody walks in and
sticks up a MASH unit at gunpoint.
- Bring him in.
- Colonel...
- Who's the head man here?
- Um, he is.
You rank
this chicken lover?
Well, I'm the...
I'm the senior officer.
Sir, my name is Smith.
This is Sergeant Bryan.
He's one of the finest men alive, and
we're going to keep him alive, right?
And he's gonna get
top priority, right?
Now, look here,
Lieutenant, uh...
- Smith.
- That's right.
First thing you're gonna do,
Smith, is put that gun down.
Guns have a way of going off,
which is usually followed by...
parts of the body
breaking away.
Why don't Lieutenant Smith
and I have a talk outside?
- Okay.
- Oh, no. Not till someone...
Meanwhile, your friend
will be looked at by Colonel Blake
and Major Chicken Lover.
Let's go, shall we?
You're just spreading
germs in here.
Is that the guy, Frank?
Uh-huh.
- You smoke?
- No.
Oh, good for you. The country's
littered with butts as it is.
Turning South Korea
into an ashtray.
- They call you Smitty?
- Some.
They call me Hawkeye.
That's from
The Last of the Mohicans...
the only book
my father ever read.
Mother read all the time. That way
she didn't have to talk to Father.
Uh, look, Smitty. I'm gonna have to go
serious on you about this thing, okay?
Yes, sir.
We have a different perspective
on war as a whole...
than I think
is possible for you.
To a line officer with 30 or 40 guys'
lives depending on them...
and with your life
depending on them...
the war's not some big geopolitical
conflict between nations and ideologies.
It's not just China and America sticking
their tongues out at each other.
To you, there's maybe 30 or 40 guys
in that high grass over there...
trying to kill me
and my 30 or 40 guys.
- It's that concentrated.
To you, that's the entire war.
- I guess that's right.
But it's something else
in our little heaven.
To us, the war is trying
very hard to control chaos.
We're up to our bottoms
in other people's bottoms here.
We can't afford the same kind
of fierce personal loyalties...
that you and Sergeant Bryan
feel for each other.
Can you understand that?
I sure can.
It's the size of the wound,
who's bleeding the most buckets...
that we give priority to.
It's the only place I know where being
the worst makes you the best.
Yeah. I sure can see
what you mean.
I thought you would.
Now, get back in there
and fix Sergeant Bryan...
or else, understand?
Perfectly.
- Number ten blade.
- Number ten.
Aah! Frank! I don't mind you trying
to make a soup bone out of my thumb...
but if we screw up on Sergeant Bryan
here, the fella who's outside...
paying the bills
might get very angry.
We wouldn't want
his credit card to go off.
Giving in to that lieutenant
is the height of cowardice.
Coming from you,
that's a compliment.
Keep quiet, or we won't let you keep
the deposit on the specimen bottles.
Let me see those X rays
again, Mr. Kwang.
[Hawkeye]
How's the mad Turk doing, Henry?
I could sell his left shoulder
as a jigsaw puzzle.
Colonel!
- Frank, will you just...
- Henry, your patient!
Oh, for Pete's sake.
All right, you.
On your back.
Attaboy. Bomb him,
will you, Mr. Kwang?
[Shouts]
What the hell is he saying?
- Why don't we all go
to Berlitz and find out?
- He's your patient! Get him!
Now, look, look.
I mean, nobody wants
to hurt you, guy.
Keep it up, Henry.
Lovely, Henry.
Just give me
the needle, huh?
Just give me the...
- [All Gasping]
- [Henry] Guard! Mayday!
- Mayday!
- 99, 98...
97...
Good night, sweet prince.
Are you feeling
better, sir?
I dreamt I was home.
Sunday morning.
Lorraine and me in bed.
All of us:
The kids, the dog...
the Sunday papers.
You can never put that dog
next to any papers.
- Uh, yes, sir.
- Where's the Turk, Radar?
Did we get him?
Oh, not yet, sir.
We're combing the entire area.
Fool could have killed me.
I get the wrong kind of shot,
I turn blue and curl up in a ball.
There's someone waiting
to see you, sir.
I was born with someone
waiting to see me.
[Radar]
Right in here, sir.
Lt. Colonel Blake,
I am Colonel Blanche...
commander of the Luxembourg
contingent to the U.N. Forces in Korea.
Well, this is a privilege.
I've met many of our allies
over here, sir...
but you're the first,
um, um...
Luxembourger.
One of my men,
Lt. Henri Batiste LeClerq...
he was wounded and brought
to your unit today.
Well, I'm sure he's getting the very
best care we can give him, Colonel.
- Uh, sir?
- Hmm?
- That won't be necessary.
- Of course it's necessary.
- What are you talking about?
- Lieutenant LeClerq sort of, um...
died, sir.
Oh? Oh, I'm sorry.
Those are the fortunes of war.
Are you dead sure, Radar?
I mean...
Well, we think that he
more or less had passed on...
when he was brought in on the bus.
You will understand,
Colonel Blake...
that it is of the utmost importance
to our small nation...
that I recover the body
for appropriate military honors.
Yes, sir.
We'll have that body for you...
before you can say
"Jacques Robinson." Radar?
Well...
Now, sir, the thing is
that we've sort of, um...
misplaced him, sir...
lost him, you might say.
We've lost him?
And that, sir, is not at all...
one of the fortunes of war.
I will not leave here
without him.
- I want this camp turned upside-down.
- I'll have the place turned upside-down.
- I'll find him; I promise.
- There'll be no not finding him.
Clear?
He'll find him.
We lose 'em all the time.
You still there, Dad?
I am, most unfortunately,
still here.
I wrote a letter to
General MacArthur last week...
suggesting the war
be declared a draw.
He sent me back an autographed
picture of himself...
wading ashore
at the Philippines.
Right now, my manservant Trapper
is mixing me a martini.
He makes them beautifully.
He made me an especially dry one
last night, but it blew away.
Your recipe is
four to one, is it not?
[Mock British Accent]
Five to one, actually.
Uh, five parts gin and one moment's
silence for the vermouth.
Thank you. I'm sure our listeners
found that boring...
without actually being
interesting at all.
- No trouble.
- Getting back to yesterday, Dad...
Trapper and Frank Burns
worked on Sergeant Bryan...
with a devotion unmatched since
Dr. Mudd worked onJohn Wilkes Booth.
- Clamp, clamp, clamp.
- How's he doing? Okay?
Okay. Clamp.
[Hawkeye] Lt. Smith sat in on the
session with his E-flat alto carbine.
At one point, Corporal O'Reilly
came scurrying along...
on his two little feet,
which incidentally is also his height.
Sir! Sir?
- I found him!
- Found who, Radar? Mr. Right? Who?
The Turkish soldier!
I need help!
- Ask Colonel Blake.
- He keeps, uh, falling asleep.
- How can you tell?
- I'll get your bag.
- Where is the Turk, Radar?
- He's hiding in the kitchen.
If he eats any of our food,
our problems may be over.
Uh, hello?
Now, look, fella. I realize
that to you, the war's not just...
some geopolitical conflict
of nations and ideologies.
- [Shouts]
- [Radar Gasps]
That's twice
that didn't work.
I don't think
he speaks any English.
If he understands fear,
we're in business.
The U.N. Puts out
this Turkish dictionary.
Well, they're certainly gonna get
my Christmas card business.
- Look up, uh...
- Cinli!
Cinli... that's good.
Look that up.
Look under-under "ch"
for Cinli.
Cinli!
Hurry up, Radar,
before his eyeballs explode.
- Chinese! It means Chinese!
- Chinese!
- [Turkish]
- He certainly doesn't seem too
crazy about you-know-whats.
- Yeah.
- I got an idea.
Whatever it is,
I love it.
Momentito.
- Cinli!
- Cinli!
- [Foreign Language]
- [Gibberish]
I think he just wants to get back to his
outfit so he can kill more Chinese.
Chinese!
Cinli! And that's just
what we're gonna let him do.
- But his shoulder... He needs attention!
- Don't argue, Radar!
- [Shouts]
- [Shouts]
He needs clothes.
- Right.
- Give him yours.
- Huh?
- Get undressed, Radar, fast...
or I'll pull you
right out of your boots!
I send you...
back to front.
[Making Artillery Sounds]
- In a jeep.
- Jeep?
So you can...
all the Cinli you want...
to your Turkish delight.
Okay?
- Okay.
- [Cleaver Clatters]
Good Joe.
Damn good Joe.
Get undressed, Radar.
I'm sorry
there's no band.
[Frank] Come on, Lieutenant.
I can't see anything.
- [Trapper] Lap sponge.
- [Nurse Able] Lap Sponge.
- Rats!
- Watch it, Frank.
- [Smith] What did he do?
- Nothing! Mm!
Don't sweat, Lieutenant. That's what
he usually does around here.
No slipups, understand?
Hey, look, pal. It's hard enough playing
cat's cradle with someone's guts.
You don't make it any easier standing
there with that coffee grinder.
- This isn't the Old West, you know.
- Just keep working.
Boy, you guys at the front...
You think you own the war.
Well, it's not easy
back here, you know...
the noise, the pressure.
I'd like to see how tough you'd be
if you didn't have to be so brave.
Hey, Frank, you're sucking around
for a blast of friendly gunfire.
[Trapper] Frank, let's get ready
to close. I'll clean him up.
- Okay.
- Can we have a little irrigation?
You sirs seen a body in here
should be somewhere else?
Yeah, Klinger: Mine.
- Suture.
- Suture.
Boy, if this doesn't
take the cake.
Sending a wounded man
back to the front in my clothes...
and toasting it
with prune juice.
Radar, in my bag,
right on top...
is a brown bottle
with clear liquid.
Nice, clear liquid.
Put some in
our friend here's juice.
And you jeep him out of camp, but you
won't get more than half a mile...
- before he falls asleep, and bang-o.
- Bang-o!
Right. And you drive him
right back here...
and we put him in the shop
for some body work.
Ready, Skippy?
- Here's to chloryl hydrate.
- Chloryl hydrate. Okay?
You bet your mustache.
- Frank, would you do me a favor?
- Sure.
Next time we work together,
let's do it apart.
- Love your toga, Radar.
- Just nobody say nothing to me.
Corner of 57 th Street
and the war, and step on it.
I've had this place
turned upside-out.
I can't understand it.
- Did you see that?
- Just my corporal riding
around in a sheet, sir.
There's so little
for the men to do.
- That was my jeep. He has stolen it.
- Oh, I don't think so.
It's not like Radar to steal
anything without asking.
Colonel, I'll get the jeep back.
Don't worry.
But as for Lt. LeClerq,
since we can't seem to locate him...
maybe we could perform a brief
ceremony honoring his loss.
That is, your losing him,
not our losing him.
That is very thoughtful.
Well, I think it's
the very "lost" we can do.
Hey, look, pal, It's been
a well-rounded day of insanity...
to which your contribution
is no longer welcome.
So you can knock off the heroics
and drop the fowling piece.
And I'd lay off watching those
movies where the hero always says...
"Hey, take my buddy first.
He's hurt worse than me, Doc."
Right? Wrong.
It's his chest and shoulder.
Recruiting office got their
money's worth out of this guy.
- Let's prep him.
- And you can remove
my foot from my mouth.
It's about a size 12-ectomy.
Corpsman!
Three-oh silk
on a Keith needle.
[Man Over P.A.]
Attention. All available personnel...
will assemble
in the compound...
for a memorial tribute personally
conducted by Colonel Henry Blake.
Finish closing, my dear.
We'll split the fee.
Lost but not least...
I mean, uh,
last but not lost, the...
Oh, boy.
This command salutes
the gallant spirit...
if not the actual body
of Lt. Henry Batiste LeClerq.
Tony, hit it.
##[Piano Over P.A.]
[Man Over P.A.]
The national anthem of Luxembourg.
##[Piano Continues]
##[Continues]
LeClerq!
[Gasps]
##[Continues]
I thought you said he was dead.
He got better.
[Hawkeye] He never could
handle his prune juice.
- Dennis, Igor, give me a hand.
- [Turkish]
- Okay?
- No okay. You hold it just one second.
You're gonna stay here.
I got to fix you up. I fix you.
- You sick. You got that?
- Damn good Joe.
Okay?
- Hey, wait!
- Where are you going?
[Both Shouting]
- Hey!
- Hey!
Yeah, well, that's how it is:
You lose a few and you lose a few.
- ##[Ukulele]
- This is almost all run out, Dad, so...
before it's over, I thought you might
like to hear from some of the guys here.
Trapper, want to say
hello to my dad?
Hello, Dad.
Your son's no good.
Thank you, Trapper. This is
my other bunkie, Dad: Frank Burns.
Oh, I know. And then that thing
squirts water in my face.
That's Frank Burns,
Dad, all over.
- [Snoring]
- Radar?
Would you like to, uh,
snore something for my father?
[Snoring]
Thank you, Radar O'Reilly.
And the ever-lovely
Henry Blake.
Um, Mr. Pierce, sir...
I'd be mighty grateful if you'd
call my wife, Lorraine Blake...
in Bloomington, Illinois.
- Thank you, Henry.
- And ask her to send some new shorts.
Okay.
Well, it's, uh...
It's just about
all over, Dad.
Good-bye,
[Sighs]
And, uh...
hope I see you soon.