M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 14 - Private Charles Lamb - full transcript

[Sighs]

[Clattering]

- Corporal.
- Sir?

- Where are you going
with all those vegetables?
- Uh, nowhere, Major.

- I was just fixing myself
a little salad.
- A little salad?

You could hide in there till the war
was over, and nobody'd find you.

My doctor back home says
I have to eat lots of greens.

I have a, uh, deficiency
of malnutrition.

What kind of a jackass
do you think I am?

Oh, you'd know that
better than me, sir.

Corporal, if those vegetables
are for you...



you sit down there and eat 'em
right now, every bit of'em.

Now, sir? Uh... Well, I was
gonna eat 'em at the movies tonight.

Who eats salad
at the movies?

- I'm a vegetarian, sir.
I won't touch popcorn.
- Oh.

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.

Major Burns stopped me.

Oh, gee. He's rough.

I thought he just hated people,
but he hates us too.

- Hi. Here you go.
- [Chittering]

Here you go.

You're eating just as good
as we do now.

I sure am sorry about that.

Hey.

What's up?



Come here.
I want to see you.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, there we go.

[Explosion]

It's just the war.

If you were an American animal,
you'd be miles away from here.

Maybe not, though.

I'm here,
and I'm an American animal.

[Man On P.A.] Attention,
all personnel. Incoming wounded.

Both surgical shifts report to
the operating room. Both shifts, please.

- We just came off a shift.
- I feel like an embalmer's
practice dummy.

You know how easily I could live
without any more wounded?

- It's called peace.
- Well, we certainly can't
have any more of that.

[Hawkeye Narrating] Dear Dad:
The wounded keep coming and coming.

The latest batch
were Greek soldiers.

Greece is one of the 17 U.N. Countries
fighting here in Korea.

Greeks, Siamese,
Ethiopians, Turks.

You name 'em, we got 'em.

The common denominator
is blood, and it's all red.

And there's an awful lot of it
leaking out around here.

- [All Chattering]
- Okay, cut that.

[Hawkeye Narrating]
We spent the better part
of a day mending the heirs...

to Plato, Plutarch,
Aristotle, Socrates.

I know a Greek back home.
Owns an ice cream parlor.

Right next door to the Confucius
Hand Laundry, Frank?

What's that
supposed to mean?

- Want to learn
about medicine, Mr. Kwang?
- Mm-hmm.

All came from Greece.

Started with a man
named Hippocrates, born in 460.

Right next door to 461.

He, uh, wrote treatises
on medicine...

handed down concepts
that are in use today.

He also composed
the Hippocratic Oath.

Very good, Frank.
Go to the head of your patient.

I'll finish here.
Put him back on the wooden horse.

- Marlow, you want
to give us a hand here?
- Suction. Okay.

Ours is a noble
and ancient profession, Mr. Kwang.

- Homer wrote about doctors carrying
out operations in The Iliad.
- Right.

Of course,
they didn't make temple calls.

Who was it who wrote,
"A physician alone is worth many men"?

- I wrote that, Frank.
- Tsk.

Actually, my receptionist said it
once during a tandem exploratory.

Hey, somebody put me or this patient
back to sleep! Come on, honey!

Move!

What have we here?

Is my leg bad, Doc?

- I've seen worse.
- Will it have to come off?

I don't know how to do that.
We'll have to keep it on.

You'll be fine.
Take five.

Okay, let's prep him.
Come on.

- Radar...
- Sir?

I will never understand how you can
hear me before I ever call you.

I guess it's the same as cows lying down
on all fours just before it rains.

- Do cows lay down on all fours
before it rains?
- Yes, sir.

I wonder why.

I don't think they want
to get their bags wet.

- Sure know a lot
about animals, Radar.
- I got 16 cats back home, sir.

Oh.

At the draft board
they found a fur ball in my throat.

- Thanks for the pencil, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.

Oh, sir, there's a Colonel Andropolis
to see you.

Well, do we know any Andropolises?
Andropoli?

- He's with the Greek army.
- Has he got a problem?
Does he look like trouble?

- Uh, no, sir, he looks pleasant enough.
- All right.

- Show him in, Radar.
- Uh, yes, sir.

This way, sir.

- Colonel Blake?
- Yes, sir?

Colonel Andropolis, sir.

I am most grateful for the treatment
my men have received at your hospital.

Well, we aim to please, sir.
[Chuckles]

- Can I offer you a drink?
- Thank you.

Uh-oh, I'm afraid
the cupboard's a little bare.

Someone's been coming
through the rye here.

A drink is not necessary,
Colonel.

Well, I usually wait
till noon myself. I just...

Oh, ah.
[Chuckles]

Here's some gin.

- Have you ever tried ouzo?
It's a Greek liqueur.
- Oh, yes, I did.

I had a few down in Seoul.
Tried to go to sleep in a wastebasket.

- [Laughs] Cheers.
- Yep.

Well, here's
looking up your old address.

Our Greek Easter, Colonel,
is this coming Sunday.

Oh! Well, happy, uh... Athens.

Uh, for those of my men
still in hospital here...

I have arranged for certain delicacies
to be airlifted from Greece.

- Oh, that's nice.
- Your people are invited
to share them with us.

Oh, well, that's very kind, sir.
Uh, Sunday?

Uh... Uh, fine, good.

I'll just cancel the film
on the history of athlete's foot.

- Good.
- [Clears Throat] Delicacies?

Uh, grape leaves,
lamb, moussaka.

- Ouzo?
- Oh, a bathtub full. [Laughs]

Well, I'll practice
keeping my head underwater.

Well, I am afraid duty calls.

Good day, and thank you.

[Speaking Greek]

- I'm your relief.
- Ah, they couldn't get a doctor, right?

A word about
today's lunch: Don't.

It's called Army Surprise...

yesterday's corned beef hash
rehashed in hearts of helmet salad.

- Here you go.
- Which end do you blow in?

That kid, the one whose leg you did...
Chapman, the arterial reconstruction...

wound was self-inflicted.

- You noticed.
- The powder burns, the angle.

- You noticed.
- The powder burns, the angle.

For anyone to shoot him that close,
they'd have to both be
inside the same uniform.

When are they going to put out a manual
for these kids on how to self-inflict?

Think Frank knows?

Frank knows so little, it's hard to
keep up with how much he doesn't know.

I don't think he knows. He'd
have the kid up on charges in a flash.

- That's his job as head fink.
- To report everything in his finkdom.

[Sighs]
Lunch is N.G., huh?

Only if taken internally.

- How do you feel?
- Better.

You're a lucky boy, you know?

If that bullet had gone
half an inch the other way,
you could've lost your leg.

- Good thing the guy that hit you
wasn't that great a shot.
- Yeah.

The cold can really
mess up a guy's aim, you know?

The cold, anxiety, fear.

Y-You really know a lot about...
things, don't you? People?

That comes from opening
them up and peeking inside.

Back at the line, try not to
let the same guy shoot you again.

- I think he's looking to hurt you.
- Right.

Also, we need the bed space
for serious cases... hemorrhoids,
hangnails, like that.

Okay.

I won't be back.

Come on. Eat it.
It's good for you.

It'll put fur on your chest.

Thattaboy... or girl.

- Or whatever.
- [Ringing]

Oh, no, not again.

Colonel Blake's office.
The colonel's in conference...

but if it's important,
I can wake him.

No, you can send
that stuff through. Yeah.

That's that Greek shipment
we're expecting.

[Frank]
Right. Right. Right. Come on.

Keep bringing it.
Back. Back, back, back.

Okay, stop. Stop!

You numbskull!

You almost ran over me!
You understand that, you boob?

Watch Frank blow Greece
out of the U.N.

I want your name and serial number,
Sergeant. Savvy? Name-o, numero?

Constantinos Kahtros.

[Reciting Serial Number
In Greek]

Playing Greek bingo, Frank?

Mind your own beeswax.

Okay, in here.

Uh, this...
this way, uh, please.

Okay, uh... Put 'em here-o,
s'il vous plat.

Or... I don't speak, uh...
Thank you.

Wow!

- Shazam!
- Would you look at that beauty stuff.

All this good food
will make us sick.

Our bodies can't adjust that fast, after
all the slop they've been feeding us.

We may have to go on two or three days
of garbage withdrawal.

The last steak I ate
I cut out of a magazine.

This stuff looks great, huh?

If you'd studied at all, Radar,
you'd know that the Greeks
invented the Edible complex.

That's where a boy likes his mother's
cooking better than eating out.

- Really?
- [Bleating]

Hey! That's a lamb!

You bet your mint jelly.

What's he gonna do
with that lamb?

If I know our cook, he's gonna
make pork chops out of it.

He isn't gonna
kill it, is he?

How's he gonna put the pants on
the lamb chops if the legs keep moving?

- Aren't you gonna stop him?
- Not until the skin is
roasted a crispy brown...

and there's a suggestion
of pink inside.

Mmm! My neighbor would put a lamb
on a rack over charcoal every Easter.

- Mmm!
- And they'd turn it slowly
on a spit for hours...

and then they would baste it with lots
of lemon and tons of butter.

Hold it, hold it!

My nostrils could be arrested
for indecent exposure.

Attention, all personnel.

Our Greek allies have
invited us to join them...

in their Easter celebration.

There will be music, dancing...

and a specially barbecued lamb.

That's tomorrow night,
the mess tent...

2200 hours.

And now,
back to the Korean War...

because you asked for it.

Wild music, dancing...

barbecuing live animals?

It's paganism,
that's what it is.

It'll turn into a bacchanal.

- You think so, Frank?
- I can see it, Colonel.

Wine pouring over
supple bodies...

everyone engaged in
debauchery and degradation.

Have to climb
over me to do it.

Well, I'm certainly glad
Major Houlihan's in Tokyo
and not here to witness this.

I'm glad
she's not here too, Frank.

This is just
the first step.

Today it's a lamb.
Tomorrow you'll sacrifice a virgin.

In this camp?

It's extremely difficult for me
to serve under these conditions...

and to remain
as decent as I am.

Let go, Frank.
Rotten up like the rest of us.

You leave me no choice but
to register a formal complaint
with Father Mulcahy...

about the looseness around here,
the immorality!

- Will that make you happy, Frank?
- Yes!

Then go.

Trouble is,
Father Mulcahy does have...

a rather unfortunate
tendency to forgive people.

Shh! Don't get scared.
I got a plan.

I'm your friend. Come here.

Listen now.

Uh, I love lambs, see?

I'm your buddy. I mean,
I don't love you like they love you...
with peas and carrots.

You don't know it, but they're
having a party tomorrow night...

and the only reason why
you're not invited is 'cause
you're the main course.

Now, listen.
Now, you gotta trust me.

I'm crazy about animals.
Honest. You can ask 'em.

I've had dogs and hamsters...

and I got a 20-year-old turtle
that I raised from a pup.

Now, see this?
This won't hurt.

It's just to help you
to sleep, real fast.

It's better than lying there
counting people, right?

Okay, now just turn around.

I gotta inject the, uh,
rear of your behind.

Father Mulcahy?

Good thing
I don't need the last rites.

[Sighs]

Father... No.

Dear Father...

"Father, dear Father,
come home with me now."

[Giggling]
Silly goose.

- [Sighs]
- [Knocking]

Come.

[Sighs]

- Sir?
- Hold on.

- Sir, there's something
I want to get off my chest.
- Yes?

I shot myself.

You what?

In the leg, to get sent back,
l... I shot myself.

Why, you little scum, you.

Shooting yourself?

You oughta be shot for that!

- I thought you'd understand.
- You're talking to a patriot, buddy.

I worship the United States
of America for which it stands...

and, unlike you,
I'd do nothing to disgrace it
for all the Communists in China!

- You're not the padre.
- No, I'm not, senor.

Let's have your name
and serial number.

Right. Right.

Yeah, the Greek food arrived okay,
Colonel, except for the olives.

For some reason
they all turned black.

Oh! Well, anyway,
we're mighty grateful for the goodies.

Our own food here
leaves a lot to be desired.

- Oh, it fills you up,
if you can keep it down.
- Thank you, sir.

Excuse me.
Hang on, Radar.

Uh, right, right.
Okay. Thanks again, Colonel.

Righty-o.
And, uh, Abyssinia!

What was all that
I just signed?

Uh, papers, sir.

What kind of papers
were the papers?

Uh, well, uh...

Uh, well, one paper was to complain
that we haven't received...

the additional paper that
we asked for a month ago...

when we sent in a paper paper,
and like that.

- Like what that?
- And you also signed
an emergency leave...

- Oh.
- For one of the men.

Which one of the men?

Uh, Private Charles Lamb.

- I don't remember any Charles Lamb.
- Oh, yes, you know him, sir.

- Short, curly-haired guy.
- Short, curly-haired?

Yes, had to take
an emergency leave.

- Death in the family?
- Almost.

[Man On P.A.] SergeantJensen,
please report to the dentist's tent.

Your uppers have been
waiting a week.

The only problem is,
I couldn't stop sneezing...

- on account of her angora sweater.
- [Laughing]

- Henry's not here.
- Are you sure?

- Sometimes when he's here
I get that feeling.
- Why don't you leave the report.

- Where's Colonel Blake?
- Henry's not in, Frank.

- But he is out.
- Can we help? Just fill this in.

"I Want Out ofThis Rotten, Stinking
Army Because" in 25 dirty words or less.

- I happen to be here
on very serious business.
- Oh, well.

Well, you're
a very serious fellow.

We're thinking of chipping in
to buy you a smile.

- Actually, you're just as much to blame.
- Right.

- Right what?
- Whatever.

I'm so neurotic, anything you say,
you got a good chance of striking guilt.

Well, you are
just as much to blame.

You'll have to sit
in the rear of the war.

- Are you going to deny
he was your patient?
- A little specificity, Frank.

I've had a few million patients
since I got here.

Just last night I pasted a new liver
in my scrapbook.

I'm talking
about Private Chapman.

His wound was self-inflicted.
A first-year medical student
would be able to detect that.

Then how did you find out?

He told me. Chapman.

- When?
- Why?

Not five minutes ago.
Because he thought I was a priest.

[Laughing]
Slowly, Frank.

I was in Father Mulcahy's tent
to register a complaint.

Get a little dirt
on Saint Christopher, Frank?

I was leaving the good father
a note when this Chapman
came in on his crutches.

- And you tripped him.
- Hold it. So?

So nothing. He confessed the fact
that he shot himself.

And now my duty's clear.

You get the rope, Frank.
We'll bring the tree.

Doing one's duty
is not performing a lynching.

Frank, look. A lot of kids
have made the same mistake.

- Let him go back
and straighten himself out.
- Nerts.

- Probably get ten years.
- Maybe 20.

- I don't think
they'd give you that much, Frank.
- Me?

For impersonating a priest.

- A priest? I never!
- Frank.

You can fool some of the papal
some of the time.

- It's a lie!
- And you can count on us
not to back you up.

- [Hawkeye]
Very serious business, this.
- Posing as a priest.

They'll give you the electric pew.

One of these days. Boy!

Attention, all personnel.

Please contact Colonel Blake
if anyone knows the whereabouts
of tonight's entr?e.

In the meantime, be on the lookout
for a white Caucasian lamb.

He is reported to be unarmed
and considered to be delicious.

- That is all.
- This whole place is off its rocker.

- What's up, Henry?
- What happened to the lamb?

Do I know?
Do I know anything?

Everything in this country
disappears except me.

Boy, would I like to wake up
some morning, look down
and find myself gone.

You're babbling again, Henry.

Colonel Andropolis has the thing
flown in all the way from Greece...

- and now the damn lamb's
flown the coop.
- Now, that's a pretty neat trick.

The U.N. Command in Seoul's called.
Boy, am I in Dutch with the Greeks.

- [Laughs]
- The man's a fountain of straight lines.

Oh, go ahead, joke.
I'm in trouble up to my whatsis.

One more chewing out,
and my belly button will cave in.

- Uh, sir?
- Not now, Radar.

- Uh, it's about the lamb, Colonel.
- Where is it?

[Clears Throat]

Well, I don't want you
to get in trouble, sir,
but, uh, it's been set free.

Well, what horse's patoot
did that?

Um, you did, sir.

You gave him a medical discharge
this afternoon.

Private Charles Lamb?

- [Laughing]
- Radar, you tricked me!

I didn't want
to see him killed, sir.

I'd rather be barbecued myself
with an apple shoved up my face.

I gave a discharge to a sheep.

He's on his way to Tokyo now.

On Bo-Peep Airlines.

A buddy of mine will
reroute him to Iowa, to my folks.

I've already radioed 'em.
They're expecting him.

- He could sleep in your room.
- Your pants'll just fit him.

I may be losing my mind.

- Don't fight it, Henry.
- I've got Command on my tail
and a hospital full of Greeks...

waiting for a lamb who's sitting
on a plane on his way to Iowa...

to become Radar's
little brother!

Henry,
you get everybody in the mess tent.
Start pumping ouzo into 'em.

- Trapper and I will
supply you with a lamb.
- How are you gonna do that?

- Tell him, Trap.
- You tell him, then we'll both know.

[Men Shouting In Greek]

[Shouting Continues]

[Shouting Continues]

- Hey!
- Pardon me!

What the hell is that?

A Spam lamb!

Come on, kid.
Join the party.

See what a celebration
of life is really like.

- I feel out of place.
- Hey, look.

You're old enough to fight,
you're old enough to dance.

[Shouting Continues]

- [Greek]
- [Hooting]

[Indistinct Chatter]

- [Man] Ouzo!
- [Laughter]

Hey!

Hey!

[Man]
Hey!

Hey!

Good evening, Father.

You son of a gun, you.

- Hey!
- [Man Shouting In Greek]

##[Whistling,
Ukulele Playing]