Louie (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Road: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie you're gonna die ♪
♪ Yeah, Louie... ♪ ♪
Okay.
(sighs)
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Sunday, sweating.
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
Sweating.
(sighs) Okay.
(clatter) Oh!
Oh, Jesus!
Rise and shine.
Ahh!
Ohh...
♪ ♪
Hi, that's me.
Oh, hi. It's me.
Hi. Thank you, sir.
Sure. Yes.
My name is Mike. Hi, Mike, how you doing?
I'm gonna be your driver.
Okay. Uh, welcome to Cincinnati.
Thank you, that's my only bag, so...
Right this way, then.
Okay, good.
♪ ♪
You can-- You don't have to--
You don't have to keep-- Oh, sure.
You don't have to keep holding that up, you know?
Gotcha.
♪ ♪
So how was your flight?
Good, thank you.
I've never been to New York.
What's it-- What's it like?
Just a city.
Yeah?
But can you--
Can you describe it?
Like, what are-- What are some of--
What are some of the things about New York?
You know what the thing is, Mike?
I hope I'm not being rude,
but I just don't feel like talking.
Is that okay? I just sort of...
It's a great big city, it's just a great--
You never get over how big it is.
Really? Yeah, you just--
You can walk for days, and you're still downtown.
And every day, something happens
that you never thought you'd see in your entire life.
(laughing)
Wow! Yeah.
Wow... Yeah.
Man...
(chuckling)
Uh... So what else?
Like, what are the people like?
♪ ♪
(woman scatting)
Okay...
That's where-- That's where I'm staying?
Yep.
So I'll pick you up later tonight.
(mutters) Yep. Thank you.
Okay.
Yeah, bye.
Oi, Doug.
Hey, how's Cinci?
Why am I staying in a Motel 86?
What?
I told you, Doug, I can't stay in places like this anymore.
Oh, no, you're in a motel?
Come on, Doug, you knew where they were putting me up.
You're just-- you just were afraid to tell me, right?
Yeah. I'm sorry, it's just for one night.
Yeah, but, Doug, I can't--
I can't do shit like this anymore.
I'll kill myself in a place like this.
Just please, next time,
tell them to take it out of my check and put me in anything.
You know, like a Radisson or a Marriott,
anything else, I just ca--
I can't do this-- I can't do the door opening
into the parking lot and the--
and the little cup with the plastic on it in the bathroom
and the person-sized cum stain on the floor.
I can't do it, man, I-- (knocking on door)
I'm sorry, I'm trying to maximize your profit out there.
I don't want you to waste money on travel.
Yeah, but I would rather make no money and live less shitty.
Do you understand what I'm saying to you?
Where's-- Where's Roger, man?
What?
Where's Roger?
He's dead.
He's dead?
Listen, where am I staying next week in Oklahoma?
It's a nice place, a nice place.
The club is great, good owner.
Where am I staying?
In a, you know...
Doug, I'm there for a week.
They have a condo. It's really nice.
Ah, shit!
No, it's nice.
The club didn't want to keep paying for a hotel every week,
so they bought a condo and you're staying there.
Am I alone?
What do you mean?
I mean, am I staying alone in the condo?
Is it just me, or am I sharing with somebody?
Well, you have your own bedroom.
Oh, God damn it.
Yeah, you're--
You're sharing it with the feature act.
It's a two-bedroom.
Who's the feature? I don't know.
The owner's daughter will pick you up at the airport
and take you there tomorrow.
(sighs)
I'm sorry. I want you to be--
I want you to be happy.
It's not your fault.
(knocking on door)
(man) Hey!
Hey, man! What the hell?
Hey!
You lied about Roger, man!
He's not dead, he's right here!
He's right there, man.
You lied!
♪ ♪
(phone beeping)
Hello?
Hi! It's Mike.
Your driver?
Are you ready to go to the venue?
Um, Mike, it's--
It's two hours before show time.
I mean, how long does it take to get there?
Oh, uh...
Not more than 15 minutes or so,
but I thought you might want to get to the venue early,
so I showed up early, just to be safe.
Okay, I-I--
I'm okay with being on time, okay?
So just--
Let's leave in 90 minutes, okay?
Then we'll be fine.
Oh...
Okay, that's fine.
No, that is perfectly fine.
Um, do you want me to hang out out here,
or should I wait inside with you, or...
No, just wait in the car and I'll see you there, okay?
I'll see you in 90 minutes, okay?
Okay, bye.
(hangs up phone)
Isn't it weird that our favorite thing
is a secret and we hardly ever do it.
It's, like, really rare.
I mean, even a person that gets laid a lot,
it's still like, "Hey, I got laid."
It's like a-- it's like a special thing.
But it's our favorite thing.
(snickering)
I mean, it's fundamentally weird that we're--
you guys aren't all just turning to each other...
and just having sex right now.
It's like, we work really hard to keep it rare, too,
like, we cover all our favorite stuff.
Cover it.
It's really important that you cover it.
You could actually go-- You could--
As long as-- You could have, like,
a stripe of wide tape and just cov--
You'd be totally naked,
and just cover your dick and balls and anus with one--
with duct tape.
If you do that, you could go visit the White House.
(laughing loudly)
♪ ♪
(snickering)
Uh, last week, Billy Burr was here.
Do you know him?
Yep, yeah, I know Bill.
Ah... (laughing)
He's so funny.
(laughing)
He did this thing where he was trying to...
(laughing) ... and he couldn't.
And he kept try--
(laughing)
And he was--
And he was nice.
Like, he was, I mean, like, really nice guy.
Mm-hmm, I'm sure he was.
Nice guy. Ohh.
(clears throat)
After the show, he was, uh...
He was, uh, he said,
(imitating Bill Burr) "Hey, Mike"--
I-- I can't do his voice, Mm-hmm.
but he goes, "Take me to the cool places."
So I was like, "My pleasure."
So we hung out.
Oh, I took him to some great places to eat.
(sniffles)
And he was cool.
Like, he was, mm, cool.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, he shook hands with everybody.
Mm-hmm.
Everybody.
You know who else I drove was Mike Kaplan.
And that guy was so cool.
Yeah, you know, Mike... We hung out--
Yeah, that's great, that's great.
Yeah! Yeah, I'm glad.
I'm really glad that you met those guys.
I'm glad that you hung out with them
and that they were really cool.
I'm sure they were really cool.
You know, for them, that's the way they're--
that's what they're like, right?
That they like to go on the road and they like
to see the country and meet everybody.
It's great.
I'm different, okay?
I'm 47 years old.
I've been doing this for
I don't even know how long anymore,
and the road is not, for me, like an adventure, okay?
It's like...
I've seen it, I've seen the whole country.
I've met all the people. I've met all of them.
I've even met you, Mike, in a way.
So for me, now, the road, it's not like an adventure.
It's like, uh...
It's like going to the toilet.
It's something I have to do.
And, uh, I-- I have--
I don't have a lot of choices out here,
but one choice that I need to be able to make
is that I can be by myself and not talk to everybody.
And I don't mean that to be insulting or unfriendly,
that's just what I need
for me to be comfortable on the road
is to not have to always talk to folks and make friends,
if I don't feel like it.
So I'm sorry if that's a bummer for you
or if it's disappointing, but it's-- it's--
it's what works for me, okay?
(quietly) Yeah.
♪ ♪
Can I help you?
Yeah, hi, um...
Is this, like, cinnamon buns with frosting
or what's the-- Mm-hmm.
Yep, you can get a special bun or you can get a bun
with two sauces or you can get a hot pour bun.
What's a hot pour bun?
That is where you eat the bun
and then you just put your mouth under the spigot
and I pour the syrup into your mouth.
I was kidding.
Okay, well... All right.
I'll take a bun.
♪ ♪
(man on PA) Welcome to Atlanta International Airport.
This AirTrain will stop at terminal three,
terminal four, and the central air terminal.
(children chattering loudly)
(chattering continues)
(girl) No, I don't want to get down.
This is the terminal three stop on this AirTrain.
The next stop on this AirTrain is terminal four.
(children chattering)
Stand clear of the closing doors, please.
(child whimpering)
Hi.
Was that--
Was that your mom?
Is this anybody's kid?
Is this anybody's child?
Is this anybody's--
Can anybody look at me and answer me?
There's a kid-- This kid's left alone.
Did your mom get off?
It's okay, it's okay.
This is the terminal four stop
on this AirTrain. You're okay, it's okay...
Okay, it's all right, it's all right.
Please make sure you have Maybe we should get off the train.
all your belongings as you exit...
It's o-- I think you should get off.
I think we better-- Okay, it's okay, it's okay.
Stand clear of the closing doors, please.
Um...
It's okay, we gotta try to find your...
Um...
(speaking foreign language)
It's okay.
(whimpering)
Oh, it's okay.
It's okay.
Look, there's a call box, come here, we'll call them up.
(screaming)
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right, I'm gonna call.
You can stay there.
(phone line ringing)
I'm just gonna call them and...
(woman) AirTrain operation.
Oh, hello. Hi, uh...
I was on the AirTrain, and, uh, and, well, a little g--
Okay, there was a family of--
A woman with a bunch of kids and she got off the train
at the stop before this one,
and her daughter was left by herself on the train,
so I'm with that kid now on the platform.
(operator speaking indistinctly)
What's that?
Okay, (indistinct).
Okay, well...
(man on PA) Welcome to Atlanta International Airport.
There is an AirTrain arriving at the station.
This AirTrain will make stops...
♪ ♪
(woman on PA) Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,
we are now ready to board Flight 654 to Charlotte.
We would like to start pre-boarding
our customers who need assistance
or those customers who are dying or afraid.
Ah, shit!
Oh, shhhit!
God damn it. My bag!
I forgot my... bag...
God damn it!
♪ ♪
Hi, uh, excu-- I'm sorry, excuse me.
I lost my bag and I'm-- The gate--
My plane's leaving right now and I lost my bag.
Sir, sir, if you want to report lost luggage,
you need to file a report with the airline you flew in on.
No, but, see, it's in the ga-- I--
I-- It's in the airport, because it's my carry-on.
Oh, that's a lot more complicated,
because that's unattended luggage.
Any unattended luggage... See?
will be confiscated and destroyed immediately.
Okay, but can-- So what do I-- what do I do?
Sir... just--
Can you let me finish with this woman.
Maybe I can help you.
Okay, I'm sorry. I just--
Can you just please help--
Okay, sir, just one second.
Okay.
Yeah, you're all set.
Can you please help me?
Come on, come on. Okay, okay.
Thank you so much.
Thank you. I gotcha, just...
Can we pick it up, though?
Can we go a little faster?
I'm going as fast as I can, sir.
If you want to run ahead, I'll catch up with you.
It doesn't seem like you're going as fast as you can.
Listen, I didn't-- I didn't lose my bag.
You lost your bag.
I know that, I know that it wasn't...
♪ ♪
That's maintenance over there.
You see that guy right there?
Yeah.
He's picking bullets out of the belly of that plane.
People who live near airports,
they shoot at landing planes all the time.
They find bullets in almost every plane.
♪ ♪
(Louie) I don't know.
I mean, I don't know, I--
It-- that might be it.
Well, we can't pull it on that unless you sure.
Well, I'm sorry, I'm not.
I mean, I can't--
It's just a black bag, I ca--
I'm not 100% sure.
Okay, Bill, let it go.
Sorry.
(Louie) Or maybe it was.
I'm gonna miss my flight anyway.
Hey, where you going?
Charlotte, North Carolina.
Oh, yeah, nah, that's--
That flight's right over here.
Oh, great.
Yeah. All right, cool.
♪ ♪
Hey, thanks very much for your help.
Take care.
Hi. Hi.
(muttering)
(speaks indistinctly)
Good, thank you very much, thank you.
♪ ♪ (woman vocalizing)
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday...
(zipper zipping)
(woman laughing)