Louie (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Road: Part 1 - full transcript

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♪ ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪

♪ Yeah, Louie... ♪ ♪

Okay.

(sighs)

Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday,

Saturday, Sunday,
sweating.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

Sweating.

(sighs)
Okay.



(clatter)
Oh!

Oh, Jesus!

Rise and shine.

Ahh!

Ohh...

♪ ♪

Hi, that's me.

Oh, hi.
It's me.

Hi.
Thank you, sir.

Sure.
Yes.

My name is Mike.
Hi, Mike, how you doing?

I'm gonna be
your driver.

Okay.
Uh, welcome to Cincinnati.

Thank you, that's
my only bag, so...



Right this way, then.

Okay, good.

♪ ♪

You can--
You don't have to--

You don't have to keep--
Oh, sure.

You don't have to keep
holding that up, you know?

Gotcha.

♪ ♪

So how was your flight?

Good, thank you.

I've never been to New York.

What's it--
What's it like?

Just a city.

Yeah?

But can you--

Can you describe it?

Like, what are--
What are some of--

What are some of the things
about New York?

You know what
the thing is, Mike?

I hope
I'm not being rude,

but I just don't feel
like talking.

Is that okay?
I just sort of...

It's a great big city,
it's just a great--

You never get over
how big it is.

Really?
Yeah, you just--

You can walk for days,
and you're still downtown.

And every day,
something happens

that you never thought
you'd see in your entire life.

(laughing)

Wow!
Yeah.

Wow...
Yeah.

Man...

(chuckling)

Uh...
So what else?

Like, what are
the people like?

♪ ♪

(woman scatting)

Okay...

That's where--
That's where I'm staying?

Yep.

So I'll pick you up
later tonight.

(mutters)
Yep. Thank you.

Okay.

Yeah, bye.

Oi, Doug.

Hey, how's Cinci?

Why am I staying
in a Motel 86?

What?

I told you, Doug, I can't stay
in places like this anymore.

Oh, no, you're in a motel?

Come on, Doug, you knew
where they were putting me up.

You're just-- you just were
afraid to tell me, right?

Yeah. I'm sorry,
it's just for one night.

Yeah, but, Doug, I can't--

I can't do shit
like this anymore.

I'll kill myself
in a place like this.

Just please, next time,

tell them to take it out of my
check and put me in anything.

You know, like a Radisson
or a Marriott,

anything else, I just ca--

I can't do this--
I can't do the door opening

into the parking lot
and the--

and the little cup with the
plastic on it in the bathroom

and the person-sized
cum stain on the floor.

I can't do it, man, I--
(knocking on door)

I'm sorry, I'm trying to
maximize your profit out there.

I don't want you to
waste money on travel.

Yeah, but I would rather make
no money and live less shitty.

Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?

Where's--
Where's Roger, man?

What?

Where's Roger?

He's dead.

He's dead?

Listen, where am I staying
next week in Oklahoma?

It's a nice place,
a nice place.

The club is great, good owner.

Where am I staying?

In a, you know...

Doug, I'm there
for a week.

They have a condo.
It's really nice.

Ah, shit!

No, it's nice.

The club didn't want to keep
paying for a hotel every week,

so they bought a condo
and you're staying there.

Am I alone?

What do you mean?

I mean, am I staying alone
in the condo?

Is it just me,
or am I sharing with somebody?

Well, you have
your own bedroom.

Oh, God damn it.

Yeah, you're--

You're sharing it with
the feature act.

It's a two-bedroom.

Who's the feature?
I don't know.

The owner's daughter will
pick you up at the airport

and take you there
tomorrow.

(sighs)

I'm sorry.
I want you to be--

I want you to be happy.

It's not your fault.

(knocking on door)

(man)
Hey!

Hey, man!
What the hell?

Hey!

You lied about
Roger, man!

He's not dead,
he's right here!

He's right there,
man.

You lied!

♪ ♪

(phone beeping)

Hello?

Hi!
It's Mike.

Your driver?

Are you ready
to go to the venue?

Um, Mike, it's--

It's two hours
before show time.

I mean, how long
does it take to get there?

Oh, uh...

Not more than
15 minutes or so,

but I thought you might
want to get to the venue early,

so I showed up early,
just to be safe.

Okay, I-I--

I'm okay with being
on time, okay?

So just--

Let's leave in 90 minutes,
okay?

Then we'll be fine.

Oh...

Okay, that's fine.

No, that is
perfectly fine.

Um, do you want me
to hang out out here,

or should I wait inside
with you, or...

No, just wait in the car
and I'll see you there, okay?

I'll see you
in 90 minutes, okay?

Okay, bye.

(hangs up phone)

Isn't it weird
that our favorite thing

is a secret
and we hardly ever do it.

It's, like, really rare.

I mean, even a person
that gets laid a lot,

it's still like,
"Hey, I got laid."

It's like a--
it's like a special thing.

But it's our favorite thing.

(snickering)

I mean, it's fundamentally
weird that we're--

you guys aren't all
just turning to each other...

and just having sex
right now.

It's like, we work really hard
to keep it rare, too,

like, we cover
all our favorite stuff.

Cover it.

It's really important
that you cover it.

You could actually go--
You could--

As long as--
You could have, like,

a stripe of wide tape
and just cov--

You'd be totally naked,

and just cover your dick
and balls and anus with one--

with duct tape.

If you do that, you could
go visit the White House.

(laughing loudly)

♪ ♪

(snickering)

Uh, last week,
Billy Burr was here.

Do you know him?

Yep, yeah, I know Bill.

Ah...
(laughing)

He's so funny.

(laughing)

He did this thing where
he was trying to...

(laughing)
... and he couldn't.

And he kept try--

(laughing)

And he was--

And he was nice.

Like, he was, I mean,
like, really nice guy.

Mm-hmm,
I'm sure he was.

Nice guy. Ohh.

(clears throat)

After the show,
he was, uh...

He was, uh, he said,

(imitating Bill Burr)
"Hey, Mike"--

I-- I can't
do his voice,
Mm-hmm.

but he goes, "Take me
to the cool places."

So I was like,
"My pleasure."

So we hung out.

Oh, I took him to some
great places to eat.

(sniffles)

And he was cool.

Like, he was,
mm, cool.

Mm-hmm.

Ah, he shook hands
with everybody.

Mm-hmm.

Everybody.

You know who else
I drove was Mike Kaplan.

And that guy
was so cool.

Yeah, you know, Mike...
We hung out--

Yeah, that's great,
that's great.

Yeah!
Yeah, I'm glad.

I'm really glad
that you met those guys.

I'm glad that you
hung out with them

and that they were
really cool.

I'm sure they
were really cool.

You know, for them,
that's the way they're--

that's what they're
like, right?

That they like to go
on the road and they like

to see the country
and meet everybody.

It's great.

I'm different,
okay?

I'm 47 years old.

I've been
doing this for

I don't even know
how long anymore,

and the road is not, for me,
like an adventure, okay?

It's like...

I've seen it,
I've seen the whole country.

I've met all the people.
I've met all of them.

I've even met you,
Mike, in a way.

So for me, now, the road,
it's not like an adventure.

It's like, uh...

It's like going
to the toilet.

It's something
I have to do.

And, uh, I--
I have--

I don't have a lot
of choices out here,

but one choice that I need
to be able to make

is that I can be by myself
and not talk to everybody.

And I don't mean that to be
insulting or unfriendly,

that's just what I need

for me to be comfortable
on the road

is to not have to always
talk to folks and make friends,

if I don't feel like it.

So I'm sorry if that's
a bummer for you

or if it's disappointing,
but it's-- it's--

it's what works
for me, okay?

(quietly)
Yeah.

♪ ♪

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi, um...

Is this, like,
cinnamon buns with frosting

or what's the--
Mm-hmm.

Yep, you can get a special bun
or you can get a bun

with two sauces or you
can get a hot pour bun.

What's a hot pour bun?

That is where
you eat the bun

and then you just put
your mouth under the spigot

and I pour the syrup
into your mouth.

I was kidding.

Okay, well...
All right.

I'll take a bun.

♪ ♪

(man on PA)
Welcome to Atlanta
International Airport.

This AirTrain will stop
at terminal three,

terminal four,
and the central air terminal.

(children chattering loudly)

(chattering continues)

(girl)
No, I don't
want to get down.

This is the terminal three
stop on this AirTrain.

The next stop on this AirTrain
is terminal four.

(children chattering)

Stand clear of the closing
doors, please.

(child whimpering)

Hi.

Was that--

Was that your mom?

Is this anybody's kid?

Is this anybody's
child?

Is this anybody's--

Can anybody look at me
and answer me?

There's a kid--
This kid's left alone.

Did your mom get off?

It's okay, it's okay.

This is the terminal four stop

on this AirTrain.
You're okay, it's okay...

Okay, it's all right,
it's all right.

Please make sure you have
Maybe we should
get off the train.

all your belongings
as you exit...

It's o-- I think
you should get off.

I think we better--
Okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Stand clear
of the closing doors, please.

Um...

It's okay, we gotta try
to find your...

Um...

(speaking
foreign language)

It's okay.

(whimpering)

Oh, it's okay.

It's okay.

Look, there's a call box,
come here, we'll call them up.

(screaming)

Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.

All right,
I'm gonna call.

You can stay there.

(phone line ringing)

I'm just gonna
call them and...

(woman)
AirTrain operation.

Oh, hello.
Hi, uh...

I was on the AirTrain, and,
uh, and, well, a little g--

Okay, there
was a family of--

A woman with a bunch of kids
and she got off the train

at the stop
before this one,

and her daughter was left
by herself on the train,

so I'm with that kid now
on the platform.

(operator speaking
indistinctly)

What's that?

Okay, (indistinct).

Okay, well...

(man on PA)
Welcome to Atlanta
International Airport.

There is an AirTrain
arriving at the station.

This AirTrain
will make stops...

♪ ♪

(woman on PA)
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,

we are now ready to board
Flight 654 to Charlotte.

We would like to start
pre-boarding

our customers who need
assistance

or those customers
who are dying or afraid.

Ah, shit!

Oh, shhhit!

God damn it.
My bag!

I forgot my... bag...

God damn it!

♪ ♪

Hi, uh, excu--
I'm sorry, excuse me.

I lost my bag and I'm--
The gate--

My plane's leaving right now
and I lost my bag.

Sir, sir, if you want
to report lost luggage,

you need to file a report with
the airline you flew in on.

No, but, see,
it's in the ga-- I--

I-- It's in the airport,
because it's my carry-on.

Oh, that's a lot
more complicated,

because that's
unattended luggage.

Any unattended luggage...
See?

will be confiscated
and destroyed immediately.

Okay, but can--
So what do I-- what do I do?

Sir... just--

Can you let me finish
with this woman.

Maybe I can help you.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I just--

Can you just
please help--

Okay, sir,
just one second.

Okay.

Yeah,
you're all set.

Can you please help me?

Come on, come on.
Okay, okay.

Thank you
so much.

Thank you.
I gotcha, just...

Can we pick it up,
though?

Can we go
a little faster?

I'm going as fast
as I can, sir.

If you want to run ahead,
I'll catch up with you.

It doesn't seem like you're
going as fast as you can.

Listen, I didn't--
I didn't lose my bag.

You lost your bag.

I know that,
I know that it wasn't...

♪ ♪

That's maintenance
over there.

You see
that guy right there?

Yeah.

He's picking bullets out
of the belly of that plane.

People who live
near airports,

they shoot at landing planes
all the time.

They find bullets
in almost every plane.

♪ ♪

(Louie)
I don't know.

I mean, I don't know, I--

It-- that might be it.

Well, we can't pull it
on that unless you sure.

Well, I'm sorry,
I'm not.

I mean, I can't--

It's just a black bag,
I ca--

I'm not 100% sure.

Okay, Bill, let it go.

Sorry.

(Louie)
Or maybe it was.

I'm gonna miss
my flight anyway.

Hey, where you going?

Charlotte,
North Carolina.

Oh, yeah,
nah, that's--

That flight's
right over here.

Oh, great.

Yeah.
All right, cool.

♪ ♪

Hey, thanks very much
for your help.

Take care.

Hi. Hi.

(muttering)

(speaks indistinctly)

Good, thank you
very much, thank you.

♪ ♪ (woman vocalizing)

Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday...

(zipper zipping)

(woman laughing)