Louie (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Road: Part 2 - full transcript

(banging) (cries out)
Sorry.
(groans)
♪♪
You're Louie C.K.?
Yeah.
I'm here from the club.
Oh, you work at the club?
Yeah, it's my dad's club.
I'm taking you to the condo.
Okay.
(breathing nervously)
Look at that guy-- Look at that guy.
Look at that guy's crazy
in that car in front of us.
So what is Oklahoma City like?
It's okay...
as long as you stay out of downtown.
Why? What's wrong with downtown?
Too many sickies.
Too many what? Sickies?
What's that? You mean like sick people?
No, forget it.
Sickies.
Sickies, I never-- I never heard that.
What is a sickie? What are sickies?
Mexicans.
This is your condo.
Hey! This is Kenny.
He's your opener.
Hey, how you doing, man?
Hey, uh, Eva, real quick.
You mind if I cram my dick in your asshole for a minute?
Uh, I'll pick you guys up later.
All right, later then.
Hey, come on in, man. Okay.
How's in going. All right.
Louie C.K.?
Yeah. Yeah. Kenny.
Good to meet you, man. Hey, nice to meet you.
Uh, this the living room over here.
Okay.
Your bedroom is right over there.
Got it.
Um, hey, you want to get started?
It's after 11 a.m.
Oh, no thanks, man. Thank you though.
Oh, you're sober I guess, right?
No, no, I just don't-- I don't--
I don't start drinking this early.
I got kids and stuff, you know?
Oh. All right, I mean.
I got three myself, but, no, that's cool, whatever.
Okay. No problem.
All right, man, I'm gonna--
Yeah. I'll see you later.
All right.
(sighs)
(Kenny) Don't even--
Don't even give a comic a hand job, nothing.
They'll just beg for it.
They'll go, "Look, just give me a hand job.
"You know, I'm gonna go back to the condo
and masturbate anyway."
And a lot of them want their finger in their ass
as your jerking them off.
Don't do that. Jesus man!
I'm trying to help her out.
Just go back to school, no finger in the ass.
What, dude?
If you've got a big penis, or you got a lot of money.
You look Irish so you obviously have a lot of money then, huh?
(crowd cheers)
Look at those tits on her, they're huge.
She could breast feed Ethiopia with those things.
You don't mind if I masturbate later
thinking about them, do you?
No? Good. I might just do it right now.
I got to have a good solid hour
out of you every night, all right?
Now, I require my headliners to wear a suit
or at least a jacket and not to swear.
Okay, I don't wear a suit, first of all.
I don't wear a jacket, I don't dress like that on stage.
No, that's not gonna do it.
Well, that's me.
I mean, I've never worn a suit on stage or jacket.
So, that's just-- That's how I dress.
I can send you home right now.
(Kenny) ...you know I got a small dick...
(clears throat)
Okay, yeah, I guess you could,
um, but I'm not gonna change how I dress.
So what do you want to do?
You're starting this week inside of my ass.
(Kenny) All right, thanks man.
You guys ready for the headliner?
(crowd cheers)
(Kenny) This guy's great, man.
You've seen him on David Lettermen,
you heard him on the Tony show.
Give it up for Louie C.K..
(audience cheers)
Thank you.
Thank you, how you guys doing?
(audience) Good!
Good. Good.
Pleasure to be here in Oklahoma.
(audience cheers)
All right. I live in New York City.
And it's, uh, kind of a dif-- Weird, uh--
I was reading in the paper the other day
that 85% of the people in New York are minorities.
(audience faint laughter)
Don't you want to spot calling the minorities
when they get to 85%?
(audience faint laughter)
You know, it's very much white people math.
You know, it's like you can take a white guy to Africa,
and he'd be like, "Look at all the minorities they got over here."
I'm the only majority here.
Anyway, I was, uh--
Hey, good morning, man. Hey, how you doing?
You want some breakfast?
No, thank you very much.
No? Uh, girls, this is Louie.
He's the headliner. This is, uh...
Stacy, this is Karen.
That's not actually their names but close enough.
Right.
I'm just gonna go for a walk.
So I'll see you later.
You're gonna go for a walk around here?
Yeah. Anyways, nice to meet you.
All right.
See you later.
Enjoy your walk.
(chuckling)
♪♪
(violin playing)
Oh, my God, this is gorgeous.
Hi, there. I'll be right with you.
Oh, no, that's okay, thank you.
And this-- Oh, this is perfect for you.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, we want to do the Civil War one.
Oh, you know what, we need a man.
Can you take the picture with us?
I have to take the picture, so, no, I can't do that.
Oh.
How about you?
Sorry.
Will you take a picture with us?
Oh, no-- No, no, no.
Oh, come on, please.
It'll just take a couple of minutes.
We want to get a really complete scene.
No, I got-- It'll be fun.
Please. Please.
You mean like dress up in-- Yes!
No, that's-- I can't--
Oh, come on.
You can dress up. Please.
Be a general.
It'll be really fun.
Please. Okay.
Thank you! All right.
All right. Great.
♪♪
Okay, you guys look great.
Mama, look at this.
Oh, my God.
Is our designated man ready?
(Louie) I think so.
Okay.
Oh, my heaven.
Look at him.
I do declare.
Captain "Whoever", you look dashing.
Why thank you, ma'am.
Doesn't he look wonderful, Mother?
He is a proper escort, my dear girl.
My I have the pleasure of this dance?
Why, Beauregard, if you must.
♪♪
That was really nice of you, thanks.
Oh, sure.
Here, here's yours.
Oh... oh, thanks.
Welcome. Bye.
Bye, thanks again.
Sure, bye.
(Kenny) Yeah, and I'm like...
(imitates farting)
Thanks, babe, I just lost my hard on there,
you know what I mean, you know?
(audience laughs)
You're not offended by the fart joke are you, ma'am?
Come on, you farted before. You've never farted?
But yeah, right, women don't fart, you know?
You know what, can I borrow your lighter?
I'm gonna light a fart right on stage.
What do you think of that? You guys want to see this?
(audience cheers)
All right what I'm gonna do--
Don't light your fart.
Please, don't light your fart.
...the second boom, you guys go nuts,
and I'm lighting it, all right?
All right, ready? Boom, chica, boom!
Oh, God damn it.
(audience cheers)
(Kenny) Am I right?
(audience cheers)
All right, that's it for me.
You guys ready for a headliner?
(audience cheers)
Direct from New York City,
you saw him on the David Letterman Show,
give it up for Louie C.K.
(audience cheers)
Hey, folks, how you doing?
(audience) Good!
Good, nice to be here, I'm Louie.
(clears throat)
47, I'm uh-- Which means I'm, uh, half dead.
About half way there.
(audience faint laughing)
If I'm lucky, you know, we'll see.
You never get to find out how old you got to be.
You never get to find out.
Everybody else knows, "Well, he died at 80."
But you don't know. You just-- You're dead.
All right, guys, thanks a lot, you've been great.
Thank you, very much. Thank you.
All right, give it up for Louie C.K., come on!
Come on, give him hand, Louie C.K.
He just killed for an hour up here, huh?
(audience cheers)
You know what, we got to leave Quiznos.
Let's get out of here, all right?
So, listen, uh, we're gonna change things up a bit
for tomorrow night.
We're gonna have Kenny there,
he's gonna go on at the top, 20 minutes or so.
Then I'm gonna cut you down to 30 minutes.
And then he's gonna come back on
and do another 20 or so
just so we have more energy at the end, okay?
Do I get paid the same? Yep.
I don't really care. You should.
(Kenny) Hey you guys like impressions?
(audience) Yeah!
Come on, you guys like impressions?
(audience) Yeah!
All right, hold on a second.
You guys are gonna love this one.
(audience laughs)
Uh, hi, everybody.
Nice to be here, uh...
You know, uh... I'm very depressing.
Um, I'm from New York.
I'm getting old man, you know?
You know, you're getting old when--
I'm 47, I'm fat, I'm old, you know?
I don't get laid.
I found my first gray pubic hair.
You know, gray and red pubic hair...
(laughing)
I don't know, it just sucks getting old.
47, what can I do, I can't-- I don't have sex.
Hey, man, how are you this morning?
Hey, you weren't like offended by what I did last night?
Hey, can I say something, pal?
Go ahead.
Okay, you know what, you're a real bummer.
I worked all over the road, worked with everybody,
but you're just a drag.
You are, man, look, I tried to be nice to you.
Right, I offered you food, I offered you drinks.
The party with the girls I get.
And what? Oh, you're too good for me?
Is that what it is?
You better than me because you're a dad?
You know, I got three kids, two are in college.
And I'm great dad.
But you know what, I like to have fun.
All right, and the two are not mutually exclusive.
Okay, well, I--
I don't-- I don't want to party with you.
Okay-- I mean, does that--
Does that-- What does that make me?
It makes me a bad guy?
No, because you're totally unfriendly.
I don't know, you know?
I don't even know what they call it where you're from.
But around the rest of the world,
you're an asshole.
Wow.
So, can I go now?
Can I say something to you?
Yeah, shoot. Okay.
Kenny, you're-- you're a hack.
You're a moron and you're barely a comedian.
You're a disgrace to the art form.
I hate following you on stage. I really hate it.
You get up there and you act like a jackass.
And it's gross.
And I resent that I have to go on after you.
I hate being in the same profession as you.
I hate being on the same stage as you every night.
Yeah, you know what, dude, at least I'm getting laughs.
Yeah, by-- by telling shit jokes and fart jokes.
Hey, don't knock the fart jokes.
Those are my babies.
Those are my fart babies.
What, you don't like farts?
Mr. New Yorker, is that what it is?
You're gonna sit there and tell me farts aren't funny.
Serio-- Look me in the eye and tell me farts aren't funny.
Come on.
Look me in the eye.
Dude.
What?
Oh, man, dude, what are you doing?
You crying? (sniffling)
Oh, God.
Dude... (groans)
Jesus.
Oh, Louie, here.
Here, wipe your face, here, take this.
Here. I only came in it twice.
(sniffling) (sighing)
Dude, you want me to go?
I'll go, man. No.
No, no, seriously, I'll go.
(sniffling)
Dude, take deep breaths, something.
(deep breath) Let it out, let it out.
What, what do you want?
What? Tell me.
I love-- I love fart jokes.
Farts are hilarious. (chuckling)
What? Farts are funny.
Of course farts are funny.
(chuckling) See, I told you.
I knew it! I knew it!
They make a little toot noise
when they come out of your asshole,
and they smell bad.
There's never been a day
where a fart has not been funny.
Every fart is funny. Never.
Even-- a funeral.
I've laughed at every fart I ever heard.
Of course, how can you not?
How can you not?
I'm sorry, Kenny, I really am, I...
I don't know, man. I love comedy, you know?
I always loved it.
But you got-- I mean, you got to give so much,
it's so hard.
I know, brother.
You know, all the years...
...uh, just alone out here, and...
I just wanted to be good at it,
it's all I wanted, was to be really, really good,
and I don't-- I don't know what happened.
You know what happened is you tried to be good at it, man.
See, somebody put it in your head,
"Oh, I gotta be a great comedian."
That's all you New York dudes.
It's comedy.
Look, it's about being funny and having fun and being outrageous.
I mean, think about it, we're on stage,
you just go up there, you act like a big asshole.
People laugh, they go home, they make love.
It's not an art, stupid, it's a bar trick.
It's a blast!
Dude, I've been doing it for 30 years
and I love it and I still love it.
(chuckling) See?
You've got to get out of your head, man.
The funny is in your ass.
I know, man, I really-- I know.
You're right.
I just-- goddamn it, I'm a mess.
Jeez-- Sorry, man.
No, no, it's all right. I'm really sorry.
I've been a dick, and I'm sorry.
That's all right, man.
Look, look-- I mean, look,
we both hate each other,
and we just said it, but... Yeah.
Hey, we're still here.
I got an idea, man.
Me and you, start and finish this bottle.
I'm not taking no for an answer.
Come on, man. I'll take the first swig.
Ahh! Come on.
You gotta, man, what the hell. All right, okay.
All right.
Nice! See? There you go.
(coughing) (laughing)
(retching)
(groaning) Oh, dude.
Get out of the way, man.
I gotta take a pizza dump.
Get out of here, man! Come on, man, just move.
Move. I-- What? I can't--
I'm puking, man.
All right, you know what? Fine.
I'll take an upper decker, man, I don't care.
What does that mean?
Don't worry, just-- you're fine where you are.
(coughing)
I'll take it right up here,
I don't give a shit.
I just want to go, man. What are you doing, man?
I gotta (bleep) go. What are you--
Jesus Christ, are you crazy?
(groaning) Jesus Christ.
Oh, shit. Jesus Christ, man.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, dude, man, I hit my head hard.
What the hell happened?
What the hell happened? Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Hi, how is he?
He didn't make it.
Sorry, he just lost too much blood.
You-- You mean he's dead?
Yes, sir.
Oh, my... (sighing)
I'm never hiring you again.
I'll tell you that right now.
♪♪
What's that?
Oh, my gosh, is that you? (chuckles) Nope.
Nope, that's my great-great-great- great-grandfather.
Mm-hmm. His name was Bash--Bush--
Blackbottom, uh, Bottompit.
Blackbottompit. Mm-hmm.
Hmm. He was a soldier?
Yeah. He was a great soldier,
and, uh, he was at the last, uh, battle of the Civil War.
Um... Hmm, at Appomattox?
Yeah, and, uh, he got killed by snakes.
Really? Yeah. He shot the last shot
of the Civil War, and he missed.
So they just quit, that's why they quit the war,
'cause it was such a bad shot.
But then he went home and his wife had been eaten by a snake
so he killed the snake that ate his wife.
Wait, I thought he was killed by the snake.
Yes, a whole other snake, totally unrelated snake,
about a week later on a Wednesday. Oh.
What else? Snake ate him.
Well...
♪ On a highway ♪
♪ It all looks the same ♪
♪ On a highway ♪
♪ I forgot your name ♪
♪ Please, God, put me back ♪
♪ On that highway again ♪
♪ On that highway ♪♪
(record needle static)