Louie (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Road: Part 2 - full transcript

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---
(banging)
(cries out)

Sorry.

(groans)

♪♪

You're Louie C.K.?

Yeah.

I'm here
from the club.

Oh, you work
at the club?

Yeah, it's my dad's club.

I'm taking you
to the condo.

Okay.



(breathing nervously)

Look at that guy--
Look at that guy.

Look at that
guy's crazy

in that car
in front of us.

So what is
Oklahoma City like?

It's okay...

as long as you stay
out of downtown.

Why? What's wrong
with downtown?

Too many sickies.

Too many what?
Sickies?

What's that?
You mean like sick people?

No, forget it.

Sickies.

Sickies, I never--
I never heard that.



What is a sickie?
What are sickies?

Mexicans.

This is your condo.

Hey!
This is Kenny.

He's your opener.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Hey, uh, Eva,
real quick.

You mind if I cram my dick
in your asshole for a minute?

Uh, I'll pick
you guys up later.

All right, later then.

Hey, come on in, man.
Okay.

How's in going.
All right.

Louie C.K.?

Yeah.
Yeah. Kenny.

Good to meet you, man.
Hey, nice to meet you.

Uh, this the living room
over here.

Okay.

Your bedroom
is right over there.

Got it.

Um, hey, you want
to get started?

It's after 11 a.m.

Oh, no thanks, man.
Thank you though.

Oh, you're sober
I guess, right?

No, no, I just don't--
I don't--

I don't start
drinking this early.

I got kids
and stuff, you know?

Oh. All right, I mean.

I got three myself,
but, no, that's cool, whatever.

Okay.
No problem.

All right, man,
I'm gonna--

Yeah.
I'll see you later.

All right.

(sighs)

(Kenny)
Don't even--

Don't even give a comic
a hand job, nothing.

They'll just beg for it.

They'll go, "Look,
just give me a hand job.

"You know, I'm gonna
go back to the condo

and masturbate anyway."

And a lot of them
want their finger in their ass

as your jerking them off.

Don't do that.
Jesus man!

I'm trying
to help her out.

Just go back to school,
no finger in the ass.

What, dude?

If you've got a big penis,
or you got a lot of money.

You look Irish so you obviously
have a lot of money then, huh?

(crowd cheers)

Look at those tits on her,
they're huge.

She could breast feed Ethiopia
with those things.

You don't mind
if I masturbate later

thinking about them,
do you?

No? Good.
I might just do it right now.

I got to have
a good solid hour

out of you every night,
all right?

Now, I require my headliners
to wear a suit

or at least a jacket
and not to swear.

Okay, I don't wear a suit,
first of all.

I don't wear a jacket,
I don't dress like
that on stage.

No, that's not
gonna do it.

Well, that's me.

I mean, I've never worn
a suit on stage or jacket.

So, that's just--
That's how I dress.

I can send you home
right now.

(Kenny)
...you know I
got a small dick...

(clears throat)

Okay, yeah,
I guess you could,

um, but I'm not
gonna change how I dress.

So what do you want to do?

You're starting this week
inside of my ass.

(Kenny)
All right, thanks man.

You guys ready
for the headliner?

(crowd cheers)

(Kenny)
This guy's great, man.

You've seen him
on David Lettermen,

you heard him on
the Tony show.

Give it up for Louie C.K..

(audience cheers)

Thank you.

Thank you,
how you guys doing?

(audience)
Good!

Good. Good.

Pleasure to be here
in Oklahoma.

(audience cheers)

All right.
I live in New York City.

And it's, uh,
kind of a dif-- Weird, uh--

I was reading in the paper
the other day

that 85% of the people
in New York are minorities.

(audience faint laughter)

Don't you want to spot calling
the minorities

when they get to 85%?

(audience faint laughter)

You know, it's very much
white people math.

You know, it's like you can
take a white guy to Africa,

and he'd be like, "Look at all
the minorities they got
over here."

I'm the only majority here.

Anyway, I was, uh--

Hey, good morning, man.
Hey, how you doing?

You want some breakfast?

No, thank you very much.

No? Uh, girls, this is Louie.

He's the headliner.
This is, uh...

Stacy, this is Karen.

That's not actually their names
but close enough.

Right.

I'm just gonna
go for a walk.

So I'll see you later.

You're gonna go for a walk
around here?

Yeah. Anyways,
nice to meet you.

All right.

See you later.

Enjoy your walk.

(chuckling)

♪♪

(violin playing)

Oh, my God,
this is gorgeous.

Hi, there.
I'll be right with you.

Oh, no, that's okay,
thank you.

And this--
Oh, this is perfect for you.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, we want to do
the Civil War one.

Oh, you know what,
we need a man.

Can you take
the picture with us?

I have to take the picture,
so, no, I can't do that.

Oh.

How about you?

Sorry.

Will you take a picture
with us?

Oh, no--
No, no, no.

Oh, come on, please.

It'll just take
a couple of minutes.

We want to get
a really complete scene.

No, I got--
It'll be fun.

Please.
Please.

You mean like dress up in--
Yes!

No, that's--
I can't--

Oh, come on.

You can dress up.
Please.

Be a general.

It'll be really fun.

Please.
Okay.

Thank you!
All right.

All right.
Great.

♪♪

Okay, you guys
look great.

Mama, look at this.

Oh, my God.

Is our designated man ready?

(Louie)
I think so.

Okay.

Oh, my heaven.

Look at him.

I do declare.

Captain "Whoever",
you look dashing.

Why thank you, ma'am.

Doesn't he look
wonderful, Mother?

He is a proper escort,
my dear girl.

My I have the pleasure
of this dance?

Why, Beauregard,
if you must.

♪♪

That was really
nice of you, thanks.

Oh, sure.

Here, here's yours.

Oh... oh, thanks.

Welcome.
Bye.

Bye, thanks again.

Sure, bye.

(Kenny)
Yeah, and I'm like...

(imitates farting)

Thanks, babe,
I just lost my hard on there,

you know what I mean,
you know?

(audience laughs)

You're not offended by
the fart joke are you, ma'am?

Come on, you farted before.
You've never farted?

But yeah, right,
women don't fart, you know?

You know what,
can I borrow your lighter?

I'm gonna light a fart
right on stage.

What do you think of that?
You guys want to see this?

(audience cheers)

All right
what I'm gonna do--

Don't light your fart.

Please,
don't light your fart.

...the second boom,
you guys go nuts,

and I'm lighting it,
all right?

All right, ready?
Boom, chica, boom!

Oh, God damn it.

(audience cheers)

(Kenny)
Am I right?

(audience cheers)

All right, that's it for me.

You guys ready
for a headliner?

(audience cheers)

Direct from New York City,

you saw him on
the David Letterman Show,

give it up for Louie C.K.

(audience cheers)

Hey, folks,
how you doing?

(audience)
Good!

Good, nice to be here,
I'm Louie.

(clears throat)

47, I'm uh--
Which means I'm, uh, half dead.

About half way there.

(audience faint laughing)

If I'm lucky,
you know, we'll see.

You never get to find out
how old you got to be.

You never get to find out.

Everybody else knows,
"Well, he died at 80."

But you don't know.
You just-- You're dead.

All right, guys,
thanks a lot, you've been great.

Thank you, very much.
Thank you.

All right, give it up
for Louie C.K., come on!

Come on, give him hand,
Louie C.K.

He just killed
for an hour up here, huh?

(audience cheers)

You know what,
we got to leave Quiznos.

Let's get out of here,
all right?

So, listen, uh, we're gonna
change things up a bit

for tomorrow night.

We're gonna have
Kenny there,

he's gonna go on at the top,
20 minutes or so.

Then I'm gonna cut
you down to 30 minutes.

And then he's
gonna come back on

and do another 20 or so

just so we have more
energy at the end, okay?

Do I get paid the same?
Yep.

I don't really care.
You should.

(Kenny)
Hey you guys like impressions?

(audience)
Yeah!

Come on, you guys
like impressions?

(audience)
Yeah!

All right, hold on a second.

You guys are gonna
love this one.

(audience laughs)

Uh, hi, everybody.

Nice to be here, uh...

You know, uh...
I'm very depressing.

Um, I'm from New York.

I'm getting old man,
you know?

You know, you're
getting old when--

I'm 47, I'm fat,
I'm old, you know?

I don't get laid.

I found my first
gray pubic hair.

You know,
gray and red pubic hair...

(laughing)

I don't know,
it just sucks getting old.

47, what can I do, I can't--
I don't have sex.

Hey, man,
how are you this morning?

Hey, you weren't like offended
by what I did last night?

Hey, can I say
something, pal?

Go ahead.

Okay, you know what,
you're a real bummer.

I worked all over the road,
worked with everybody,

but you're just a drag.

You are, man, look,
I tried to be nice to you.

Right, I offered you food,
I offered you drinks.

The party with
the girls I get.

And what?
Oh, you're too good for me?

Is that what it is?

You better than me
because you're a dad?

You know, I got three kids,
two are in college.

And I'm great dad.

But you know what,
I like to have fun.

All right, and the two
are not mutually exclusive.

Okay, well, I--

I don't-- I don't want
to party with you.

Okay--
I mean, does that--

Does that--
What does that make me?

It makes me a bad guy?

No, because you're
totally unfriendly.

I don't know, you know?

I don't even know what
they call it where you're from.

But around
the rest of the world,

you're an asshole.

Wow.

So, can I go now?

Can I say something
to you?

Yeah, shoot.
Okay.

Kenny, you're--
you're a hack.

You're a moron
and you're barely a comedian.

You're a disgrace
to the art form.

I hate following you on stage.
I really hate it.

You get up there
and you act like a jackass.

And it's gross.

And I resent that
I have to go on after you.

I hate being in the same
profession as you.

I hate being on the same
stage as you every night.

Yeah, you know what, dude,
at least I'm getting laughs.

Yeah, by-- by telling shit jokes
and fart jokes.

Hey, don't knock
the fart jokes.

Those are my babies.

Those are my fart babies.

What,
you don't like farts?

Mr. New Yorker,
is that what it is?

You're gonna sit there
and tell me farts
aren't funny.

Serio-- Look me in
the eye and tell me
farts aren't funny.

Come on.

Look me in the eye.

Dude.

What?

Oh, man, dude,
what are you doing?

You crying?
(sniffling)

Oh, God.

Dude... (groans)

Jesus.

Oh, Louie, here.

Here, wipe your face,
here, take this.

Here. I only
came in it twice.

(sniffling)
(sighing)

Dude,
you want me to go?

I'll go, man.
No.

No, no, seriously,
I'll go.

(sniffling)

Dude, take deep breaths,
something.

(deep breath)
Let it out, let it out.

What, what do you want?

What? Tell me.

I love--
I love fart jokes.

Farts are hilarious.
(chuckling)

What?
Farts are funny.

Of course farts
are funny.

(chuckling)
See, I told you.

I knew it!
I knew it!

They make
a little toot noise

when they come out
of your asshole,

and they smell bad.

There's never been a day

where a fart
has not been funny.

Every fart is funny.
Never.

Even-- a funeral.

I've laughed at every
fart I ever heard.

Of course,
how can you not?

How can you not?

I'm sorry, Kenny,
I really am, I...

I don't know, man.
I love comedy, you know?

I always loved it.

But you got-- I mean,
you got to give so much,

it's so hard.

I know, brother.

You know,
all the years...

...uh, just alone
out here, and...

I just wanted
to be good at it,

it's all I wanted, was
to be really, really good,

and I don't-- I don't know
what happened.

You know what happened
is you tried to be
good at it, man.

See, somebody put it
in your head,

"Oh, I gotta be
a great comedian."

That's all you
New York dudes.

It's comedy.

Look, it's about being
funny and having fun
and being outrageous.

I mean, think about it,
we're on stage,

you just go up there,
you act like a big asshole.

People laugh,
they go home,
they make love.

It's not an art, stupid,
it's a bar trick.

It's a blast!

Dude, I've been
doing it for 30 years

and I love it
and I still love it.

(chuckling)
See?

You've got to get out
of your head, man.

The funny
is in your ass.

I know, man,
I really-- I know.

You're right.

I just-- goddamn it,
I'm a mess.

Jeez--
Sorry, man.

No, no, it's all right.
I'm really sorry.

I've been a dick,
and I'm sorry.

That's all right, man.

Look, look--
I mean, look,

we both hate each other,

and we just said it,
but...
Yeah.

Hey, we're still here.

I got an idea, man.

Me and you, start and
finish this bottle.

I'm not taking no
for an answer.

Come on, man.
I'll take the first swig.

Ahh! Come on.

You gotta, man,
what the hell.
All right, okay.

All right.

Nice! See?
There you go.

(coughing)
(laughing)

(retching)

(groaning)
Oh, dude.

Get out of the way, man.

I gotta take
a pizza dump.

Get out of here, man!
Come on, man, just move.

Move.
I-- What?
I can't--

I'm puking, man.

All right,
you know what? Fine.

I'll take an upper decker,
man, I don't care.

What does that mean?

Don't worry, just--
you're fine where you are.

(coughing)

I'll take it
right up here,

I don't give a shit.

I just want to go, man.
What are you doing, man?

I gotta (bleep) go.
What are you--

Jesus Christ,
are you crazy?

(groaning)
Jesus Christ.

Oh, shit.
Jesus Christ, man.

Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.

Oh, dude, man,
I hit my head hard.

What the hell happened?

What the hell happened?
Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Hi, how is he?

He didn't make it.

Sorry, he just lost
too much blood.

You-- You mean he's dead?

Yes, sir.

Oh, my...
(sighing)

I'm never
hiring you again.

I'll tell you that
right now.

♪♪

What's that?

Oh, my gosh, is that you?
(chuckles) Nope.

Nope, that's my
great-great-great-
great-grandfather.

Mm-hmm.
His name was Bash--Bush--

Blackbottom,
uh, Bottompit.

Blackbottompit.
Mm-hmm.

Hmm.
He was a soldier?

Yeah. He was
a great soldier,

and, uh, he was at
the last, uh, battle
of the Civil War.

Um...
Hmm, at Appomattox?

Yeah, and, uh,
he got killed by snakes.

Really?
Yeah. He shot
the last shot

of the Civil War,
and he missed.

So they just quit,
that's why they
quit the war,

'cause it was
such a bad shot.

But then he went home
and his wife had been
eaten by a snake

so he killed the snake
that ate his wife.

Wait, I thought he was
killed by the snake.

Yes, a whole other snake,
totally unrelated snake,

about a week later
on a Wednesday.
Oh.

What else?
Snake ate him.

Well...

♪ On a highway ♪

♪ It all looks the same ♪

♪ On a highway ♪

♪ I forgot your name ♪

♪ Please, God,
put me back ♪

♪ On that highway again ♪

♪ On that highway ♪♪

(record needle static)