Louie (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 6 - Episode #5.6 - full transcript

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Why did you come here?

I don't know.

I really don't.

Does it matter?

I mean, come on, Richard.

You never believe
anything I say,

so why do you ever
ask me anything?

Maybe it's because
I'm an honest person

and I expect others
to be honest.

Ha! Beware of the man
who declares himself honest.

(laughter)



I thought you cared about me.

I do.
I really do.

I just...

This has gone far enough.

Are you sure?

Are you really sure?

My God, you don't
remember, do you?

You really don't remember.

All this time I thought...

well, I was doing what I had to

to live with it,

and you must be doing something,

though I never knew what,

but the truth is
you don't remember.



It's like it never happened.

I don't have any
opinions about anything.

People my age
always ask each other,

what do you think about this?

What's your opinion?

Who are you voting for?

And I search inside myself
for an answer,

and it's like I'm
just empty in there.

Consider yourself lucky.

At least if you
have no opinions,

you can't be wrong.

You're not listening.

Jeez, Pollio,

get out of your
own head, will you?

You're 18.

You're supposed to be
having fun.

You know, when I was your age,

there was only one thing
you were allowed to be--

a man of the world,
a goddamn man of the world.

Nowadays you be
anything you want.

Can I tell you something
I never told anybody before?

Be careful.
I don't care!

Son, you don't
have to share that.

Maybe keep it to yourself
until you're sure what it is.

Don't say anything--

I wish I were dead.

That's the truest thing I know.

(cheering and applause)

♪♪

You know what?
Give me your phone.

What?
Give me your phone. Let me have it.

Why?
Because enough already.

What are you talking about?

You know, you're lucky
to live in this city.

You're lucky that you get
to see stuff like that.

You're lucky to be alive at all.

So?
Well, so, in the most de--

in the most devastating
moment of the play,

I look over and you're
texting with your friends.

It's gross.
I wasn't texting.

It's really gross.

I saw you!
I saw you texting!

No, you saw me
reading about the play.

Well, no, how do you
appreciate a thing

and google it at the same time?

That's no way to live a life.

That's an insult
to the actors to do that.

Because it was a great play

and I wanted to know
more about it

while I was watching it.

Do you even know
anything about the play?

Yeah. It's...

a 1960s thing with a...

Did you know that this play

was banned in Russia
and in Israel?

Did you know that
after he wrote it,

Shelby thought about
killing himself?

Did you know that
he rewrote the ending

'cause he was afraid
that it would cause

other depressed people
to kill themselves?

Don't you wonder what
that original ending was?

But you missed
the one th--

When the kid said
at thing, you missed it.

No, I didn't.

He said, "I wish I were dead.

That's the truest
thing I know."

It was really sad,
and it was beautiful.

I didn't cry like you
'cause I'm not a baby.

But just because I can
appreciate something

on two levels

doesn't mean I don't
deserve to have my phone.

Fine.

Take it.
I don't care.

Keep it.

Keep it.

Thanks for bringing me.
This was cool.

Sure.

(woman)
♪ Da... ♪

♪ Da, dee, da, da-da, da ♪

(vacuum whirring)

♪ Da... ♪

♪ Da, da-da, da ♪

♪ La... ♪

♪ La, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ La, da-da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da... ♪

I'm going now.

(shouting) I'm going now!

Okay.

All right, call me when you get

to Sonny's house, okay?

Okay.
Seriously, call me.

Don't make me freak out.
Okay, you freak.

Shut up.

How are you getting there?

I'm taking the M10 bus to 74

and walking two blocks.

Okay, just be careful,
please, all right?

Dad, it's 10:00 a.m.

No one gets raped or killed
on a Saturday morning--

Stop it!

Don't say stuff like that!
(chuckles)

Jesus!

Love you. Bye.
Love you, too. Jesus.

(sighs)

What is "raped"?

It's just bad.

It's a bad thing.

Bad things.

Financial thing.

Mm.

When are my friends gonna start
arriving for the sleepover?

I kind of hope not ever.
Hey!

Well, maybe they forgot
and then we can take a nap.

Wait, can we make
a sundae-making station?

A what?

Well, it's gonna be
all laid out.

Everyone can make
their own ice cream sundae.

I needed that request
yesterday, Jane.

You can't-- You can't--

I can't spirit up
a sundae station.

(doorbell)
I can't go shopping now.

Yay!

Hey.

Hi, Shasta.
Hi, Shasta.

Bye, babe.
How are you, Shasta?

Hey, Joy.
Hey.

You want to get
a water or something

before you go?
Oh, no. No, I can't.

Whiskey? Something--

(chuckling) No.

No?
You have quite a day ahead of you.

Yeah, I got quite a--
How many girls?

I think eight, but it
could be nine or twelve.

I have no-- I lost track
of all the e-mails with the--

Why did you start so early?

I don't know.
I really don't.

Well, look, I might
have to be a little late

picking her up tomorrow.

Is that okay?
That's fine.

I mean, what's--
We have mediation at 10:00.

Chuck and I are divorcing.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Well...

Yeah, so things are...

they're a mess.
Right, right.

So, if she's being...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so...

Well, I-- I would--
I would say I'm sorry,

but I know that--
I mean, I went through it,

so I know that
that doesn't help anybody.

It's not--
Yeah, yeah. It's just--

It sucks.
(chuckles)

Yes, it does.

Yeah, so, um, anyway,

just, ah, have fun.

(chuckles) Okay.

Bye.
Bye.

♪♪

(Jane) And then they
zoomed in on it,

and then they see a kitten
coming out of the turkey.

(Shasta) Oh, my God!

I know. It was, like,
in the turkey, you know?

In, like, the little part
where they stuff the turkey.

Oh, my God, I just remembered.

I should be wearing
my pink clothes today

because I'm turning 10.

(dishes clattering)

Hey, Shasta.

Hey, I've known you since
you were in kindergarten.

Yeah.
That's true.

Mm-hmm.

So, you know...

You know, I was your age
when my parents got divorced,

and, you know, Jane
was, uh, well, five,

when her mom and I split up.

So, I don't know,
I just--

I wanted to just
say I know--

I know what it's like, you know?

But my parents are together.

Yeah.
No, yes, they are.

No, I just--
I just...

I just thought I would...

mention some things about...

my life and...

(doorbell) so you...

(Jane) Yay!

(girls) Happy birthday!

(girl) Whoo!

(girls laughing and shrieking)
♪♪

Daddy, order the pizza now!

Daddy, it's time
to order the pizza now.

Okay.

(laughing and shrieking
continue)

Hello?

Hi, can--

I need a pizza delivered,
please.

Yeah.
Yes, yes, please.

Yeah, two large pies, yes.

Uh, one cheese and one,

uh, half cheese
and half... cheese.

Yeah.

Yes, that would be--
Yeah, one--

Okay, thank you.
Please, quick.

I have a lot of children here,
and it's very--

it's very bad here now.

Thank you very much.
Okay, bye.

(shrieking continues)

(phone beeps)

♪♪

(beep)

(beep)

(girls laughing)

Daddy!

(girls clamor)

No sundaes.
No sundaes.

Boo!

Hello?

Hi.

Hi. What's up?

Uh...

well, um...

please don't get all--

I mean...

we're broken up.

Yeah?

But so, I was thinking

about how you are to talk to

and, uh...

how I...

sometimes think about

how I like to, um...

sometimes have involvement
and sometimes...

we don't, so...

You miss me.

What? No.

No, you don't miss me at all.

Oh, shit.

(sighs)

Listen, it's--
it's okay.

I mean...

sometimes what you want

and what you feel
aren't always the same thing.

Yeah.

That's really true.

Well, I don't have
any trouble saying it.

I miss the shit
out of your stupid tits.

Yeah.

They're both pretty stupid.

(sniffles) They both
flunked out of tit school.

Yeah?

The left one is, like,
almost clinically retarded.

I want to come
on your retarded tits.

(chuckling)

I'm hanging up now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, please.

What?

Well, what are you
doing right now?

What do you mean?

I mean, where are you
and what are you doing?

I'm... home

and I'm talking to you.

No, I mean, like, are you
sitting? Are you standing?

What exactly are you doing?

Why?

Because I'm always
wondering that.

I'm always-- I'm always
wondering where you are

and-- and where
you're standing

and what exactly you're up to.

You are?

Yeah, all the time.

(sighs) Well...

I'm sitting on my couch.

My legs are stretched out
and crossed one over the other.

Which leg is on top?

The right one.

My hand is on the phone,

which is on my face.

What happened?
You only have one hand now?

No.

The other's in my lap and...

Are you trying
to turn me on right now?

Why, are--

Are you--
Are you, um--

Are you being that?

Well, I'm not saying,

but I may

be interested in what

you right now may be wearing.

I'm, uh...

I'm wearing jeans
and a T-shirt.

Well, take your pants off, then.

You want me to?

Yeah, I do.

Wait. You take off your pants first.

No!

Yes.

Ugh.

Okay, there.

You didn't really do it.
I want to hear you do it.

You want to hear me
take my pants off?

Yeah, I want to hear you
take your pants off.

Okay.

Here goes the belt.

(girls) We want ice cream!

We want ice cream!

We want ice cream!

Shh!
We want ice cream!

We want ice cream!

What is that?

Nothing.
It's nothing.

That's nothing?

We want ice cream!

We want ice cream!

Jane is having a sleepover.

And you're trying to
have phone sex with me?

Gross.

Bye.

We want ice cream!

We want ice cream!

(man) Babe, you all
right in there?

Yeah, I'll just--

I'm just gonna be a minute.

(pounding on door)
We want ice cream!

We want ice cream!

We want ice cream!

We want ice cream!

We want ice cream!
Hey!

Ice cream comes after the pizza,

and the pizza's not here yet.

So, no more pounding
and no more yelling.

I'll send everybody home.

No, you won't.

Yes, I will, Afghanistan.

This is my house,

and you guys are earning
this sleepover

every second
that you're here, okay?

So just behave.

What were you doing in there?

None of your business,
Tranquility.

Her name is Tranquilitay.

Oh, is it?
Yeah.

Okay, everybody go.

Come on, go. Have fun.
Go. Get out.

Have fun.

Have a ball.

Go... Tranquilitay-ow.

(screaming)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

(Bobby)
Bro. Bro.

Bobby, what's up?
Where are you?

Bro, listen, I'm in jail.

You got to come get me.

What happened?

It's really bad
in here, man. Okay?

Dude, it's 8:00 right now.

Just listen.

They said if you come,

if you come in person
and post bail by 9:00,

I can get out tonight.

I cannot stay in here, man.

It's-- It's really bad.

Bobby, Bobby,
I can't come there.

Please, bro, please!

I'm gonna put my ass
in your ass, bitch!

Okay. All right.
Bobby, listen to me.

Listen to me.
Listen to me.

Just-- Just--

Just tell me where to go.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

All right, all right,
I'm coming.

(screaming on TV)

(TV turns off, girls groan)

Sorry, girls.
Listen.

We have to go somewhere.

(Jane) Where are we going?

Well, my brother is in jail,

and we have to go to the police
station and bail him out.

(all) Yay!

All right.

(overlapping chatter)

Daddy, why is Uncle Bobby
in jail?

Oh, I don't know.
I really don't.

(chatter continues)

Okay, girls, girls,

you're gonna wait in the car.

I'm gonna go inside and, uh...

No, no, no, no, no.
They don't wait here.

What am I gonna-- I can't take
them in the police station.

I can't have that.
I can't.

Buddy, come on, I can't take eight
kids into a police station.

Listen, I'm not
trying to be mean.

Okay. Okay.
All right, all right.

Come on. Get out!
Everybody out. Let's go.

(shrieking)

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm here to
bail out my brother.

The bail master's on break.

Have a seat.

Okay, I'll wait.

♪♪

(shrieking)

(shrieking)

Someone robbed my bunny.

All right, you.

Right here. Come here.
Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, good.
Okay, good.

Shasta, get off the table.

Come on.

(girls laughing, chatting)

Uncle Bobby, what happened?

Why were you in jail?

Well, it's, uh...

it's a crazy story.

Tell us! Tell us!

Okay, all right, all right.

All right, well,
um, I was sitting there,

and I was helping...

this lady who-- who fell.

Oh, she was old or...

Yeah. Really old.
(chuckles)

Too old.
(chuckles)

Well, how did she fall?

I-- I don't know.

I don't know, she was walking
and then, uh...

I was eating a sandwich,

and then all of a sudden,
she just fell,

so I started to help her.

What'd you do with the sandwich?

I gave it to this guy.

He was sitting there, and he--
and he looked really hungry.

(girl) Oh, that's so nice.

(girl 2) That's really sweet.

(Bobby) So, you know, I
started helping her,

and she said for helping her

that she wanted to give me
a special gift.

What did she give you?

She gave me a goat.

Wait, really?

An old lady gave you a goat?

Yeah.
Aww.

Did she give you the goat
before she fell down?

I don't know.

She just gave me the goat.

So, then what happened?
I don't know.

I started walking around
with this goat,

and it was cool, you know,

but I didn't know
what to do with it.

Then he got loose.

Just, gone, yeah.

And then-- And then
the cops showed up.

And the police officer,

he said he wanted
to put him to sleep.

(girls)
No! No!

(Bobby) Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I said.

I put up such a fight,
they arrested me.

(girl)
What happened to the goat?

(Bobby) I don't know. I saw it
running down the subway stairs,

so I guess it lives
in the subway now.

(Jane) Is that a true story?

Yes, that is a true story.

In fact, I asked
the policeman at the station,

and he told me exactly
the same story, so...

(girls) Wow!

Yeah.

♪♪

Oh, yeah.

(laughter)

(doorbell)

(muttering)

Hey, Joy.
Hey.

Shasta, your mom.

Hey.
Hi.

Are you doing all right?
Yeah.

Actually, Chuck and I
are gonna--

we're gonna work it out.
Everything's okay.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.
That's good.

Hey. Hey, baby.
Hi, Mom.

Thanks, Louie.
Sure.

Mommy, are you and Daddy
getting divorced?

♪♪

(sighs)

So, what really happened
to you last night?

Went to a massage parlor
for a happy ending.

They raided it.

Can you believe this
comes out of a cow's pussy?

Mmm.

You know it...

You know it comes
out of their tits.

You know that, right?

(chuckles)

No.

Milk comes out of the tits.

Yogurt comes out of the pussy.

Mmm.