Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 7 - Oh Louie/Tickets - full transcript
Louie remembers his past career failures and tries to get concert tickets for his daughter.
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie... ♪
Hey, what's up?
You didn't open that on
the kitchen table, did you?
Nope.
Are you lying?
Yep.
Why do you do that?
The opener's
right in the drawer.
Yeah, well, the table's
right here.
Louie!
I love you.
Aww...
Why would you say that?
What?
I mean, I just said
a really dick thing.
Why-- why would you
say, "I love you"?
What am I supposed to do here?
- Please?
- Cut!
What's wrong, buddy?
I just...
Why does she say that?
It's cute.
It's cute?
Yeah.
Dude...
I thought we were gonna
do a show about marriage,
like a really honest,
real show.
Yeah.
So what--
This woman is trying to
raise two kids
and her husband just
keeps shittin' all over her,
chipping away at all
the furniture
with his bad attitude.
Yeah.
I mean, are you folks
seriously buying this shit?
Louie, the show's
gonna be great.
No, it's not!
Yeah.
No, man, it's gonna suck, like
every show on television.
We're making
all the same mistakes.
The wife that's way too hot
for the dude
and the friend who
I would never hang out with.
Bob, I love you, you're great,
but there's no reason
for you to be on this show.
I mean, honestly, no offense.
None taken.
You know what?
Can you guys figure
this shit out, okay?
This is my last go-around.
All right, I am 38 years old.
I hitched to this horse
- because you guys said you
wanted to get on air. - Yeah.
In another couple of years,
these fake tits
are gonna look stupid.
So if I'm wasting my time here,
you need to tell me now.
You're wasting your time, you are.
Great!
No, no, Jennifer,
this is gonna be fine.
It-- we can't have a show
where everybody
just says whatever
'cause it's cute.
Boo!
Oh, you know what,
( bleep ) you people!
Okay, okay, look..
What do you want her
to say to you?
What do I want her to say?
Yeah!
You say the table is right here
and then what does she say?
"I'm leaving you."
That's not funny.
Yes, it is.
That's hilarious.
Come on.
"The opener's right there."
"Yeah, but the table's
right here."
"I'm leaving you."
And then she leaves!
And she takes the kids
and then this dude
has to finally face himself
because she's gone
and there's nobody else
to be an asshole to
but himself.
Don't you wanna do--
don't you wanna do that show?
Wouldn't you love
to do that show?
Is everything okay at home,
Louie?
Oh, Christ.
No!
All right, let's take a break.
Oh, hi.
Oh, okay.
Okay, all right.
Hey... hey.
Oh, baby.
Baby, baby, baby, baby.
Your dad's not gonna have
a sitcom.
Not gonna do it.
I wanted to.
I wanted to, so I wouldn't have
to be on the road all the time,
away from you...
and I just wouldn’t do it.
Maybe I'm a coward.
Sorry, baby.
Your dad is a comedian.
It's your tough luck.
All right,
let's put you to sleep.
♪ I had me a rooster ♪
♪ The rooster pleased me ♪
♪ I fed my rooster to
the green berry tree ♪
♪ Little rooster says... ♪
Lilly...
Lilly, I love you.
Please put your hands together
and make that loud clapping
sound for Louie C.K.!
Thank you very much.
Thank you, everybody.
Uh, I have some notes
I'm gonna be working off of.
I hope that's okay with you.
I've never stopped anything
so cold in all my life.
That was amazing.
You guys were clapping so much
and now you look like you've
never clapped in your lives.
That applause is so far in
the rear-view mirror right now.
That's amazing
how quickly--
"Yeah !"
Um...
There was a girl
once who blew me
who subsequently
hung herself... to death.
It's true.
Um, she didn't do it
right after, just so you know.
She didn't do it, like,
immediately after.
She did it two years later.
Because that's how long
it takes--
that's how long you
can live with having blown me
before you need to
end your life.
That's how long--
everyone who has blown me
has died two years later of
their own doing.
That's the gestation
period for suicidal shame
that comes from having
had my penis in your mouth.
That's such an awful way to
describe blowin' somebody,
"having had my penis
in your mouth."
It doesn't-- it just
gives you an image of somebody--
Oh, I got something...
Oh, I got this dick
in my mouth.
Do I still have this--
Do you see this dick there?
Oh, shit, yeah, you got his
dick in your mouth.
Did you like your party?
Mm-hmm.
But it's nice just to be
here quiet with you.
The party was hard.
What's that?
It's a present,
what do you think it is?
For me?
No, it's for the little old
lady who lives in your nose.
Of course it's for you.
What, did you really
think I was just
gonna get you slippers?
Can I open it?
Not 'til your birthday.
It is my birthday.
Well, all right then.
Tickets to...
To...
Sabrina Bubble.
That's right!
Those were very hard to get.
Nobody-- nobody gets tickets
to Sabrina Bubble,
but it turns out, she
and I have the same promoter...
You don't like it.
No, I do.
Thank you, Daddy, thank you.
It's so nice.
It's so nice?
It's supposed to be amazing.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
No, no, no, no, don't do that.
I-- I thought you
loved Sabrina Bubble.
Who do you like now?
Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga?
Jesus, honey,
she's pretty grown up.
She's amazing.
She's my favorite.
I-- I appreciate
that you like her, but I--
Lady Gaga's an artist.
Honey, I wouldn't--
within reason,
I would never tell you
what to listen to, but I--
I want you to grow up to...
to like yourself and have
a job and be strong
and to think about
who you are, not...
I don't want you to
think it's all
about your looks
and glamour and stuff.
Well, can't I grow up like that
and still like Lady Gaga?
So what cities are we lookin'
at for the fall tour?
All right, so I'm thinking
we start in Texas.
Gonna cover
Houston, Austin, Dallas,
San Antonio, then El Paso--
that's one week.
Then we're gonna--
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
That's too
many nights in a row.
I told you, I gotta
come home every week
to be with the kids,
three nights a week.
I told you that.
I can't go out for that long.
Dude, Louie, you could
make so much more money
if you stay out longer,
I'm telling you.
I know that.
But I got my kids
Monday, Tuesday,
and Wednesday nights.
I can't work those nights.
That's just the way
it is, Doug.
Okay, fine, I get it.
You know what, we gotta go
back to El Paso next year.
Just ( bleep ) El Paso,
( bleep ) ri'em right in the ass.
All right, all right,
okay, you don't have to...
I'm sorry for cursing.
I understand
about your kids, okay?
I mean, I don't have kids
but I have a father,
so I get it.
Um, did your girl like
the Sabrina Bubble tickets?
You know what,
I forgot to tell you,
she doesn't wanna go.
She didn't wanna go?
No, she likes Lady Gaga now.
Oh, shit, Lady Gaga?
Yeah, can you get tickets?
No.
No, just like that?
No, I can't-- Lady Gaga?
No way, man.
Listen, we work with
Live Promotion Inc.
She's AEG all the way.
Oh...
Does AEG handle any comedians?
Only one.
Who?
Dane Cook.
Oh.
Yeah.
Shit.
Yeah, the arena dog.
I mean, he's gonna be
at the Garden.
If you want, I can
get you backstage passes,
you can go talk to him.
Hey, man.
Hey.
What are you doin' here?
I thought you hated Dane.
I don't hate him.
You should hate him,
he stole your jokes.
I don't know
that he stole my jokes.
Everybody says
he stole your jokes.
He stole your jokes, stupid.
I just came to talk
to him about something.
I don't know...
What are you doing here?
Pickin' up young pussy.
All his fans are college age.
You know... nice and snug.
I get it.
Dane says he'll see you.
Come with us.
All right, man, I'll see l you later.
All right, later.
Take it easy.
Comin' up on the right.
Hold up for the hand-off.
Crazy.
He's coming down.
Hey, Dane.
Can I-- can I talk to
you for a second?
Yeah.
Um, can you guys just
give me a minute?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Uh...
I need to ask you for a favor.
Well, this should be, uh...
That's really something.
Okay.
Look, I--
I know that, um...
"Um" what?
I have a daughter
and, uh--
What can I do for you?
I have a daughter, she's ten,
she just turned ten,
she had a birthday
and she wants
to go see Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga.
Awesome.
And I know you have the same
promoter as her...
Yeah.
... so I was hoping
that you could, uh...
you could help me...
to get her tickets...
for her birthday.
I could totally
do that for you,
uh, easily.
I know Lady Gaga.
You do?
And, uh, yeah, I could
get you tickets, backstage,
and, uh, I could help you
to make your daughter
very, very happy.
Mm-hmm.
All you have to do is
go on YouTube
and tell everybody that
I did not steal your material.
I never said that
you stole my jokes--
You never said it.
But you let other
people say it.
What let?
I can't tell
people what to say.
You're full of shit!
Dane, look--
You know what?
I'm excited that you're
in this room right now
'cause I waited four years
to tell you this.
Do you know the year
2000 and six?
2000 and six?
Yes.
2000 and six.
You don't really
say "2000 and six."
It's 2006.
"2000 and six" is like saying
the year 2000 and, by the way,
the number six.
"2000 and six"
was the greatest
year of my entire life.
I had a double-platinum
comedy album.
First one ever to exist.
I had a massive HBO special.
I was on
the cover of "TIME."
Well, you were on the corner,
the little corner thing.
It wasn't the--
Not like when the president
is on the cover.
2000 and six.
That should've
been like my triumph,
and I enjoyed it, Louie,
for maybe two months.
Two months before
it started to suck
because everything
I read about me was about
how I stole jokes from you,
which I didn't.
I kind of think you did.
Dude, why would
I steal three jokes from you
when I have hours of material?
Why?
Why would I do that?
Risk my reputation!
'Cause they were funny jokes.
You know what, Louie?
You know what the biggest
lie in the world is?
Is that I'm a rock star,
I'm a millionaire,
I'm-- I'm a comedy behemoth
and you're like a comic's comic
and you're an inside-joke guy
and I'm a sellout
and-- and I sold my soul
and you have-- you have
artistic integrity
and you're a--
you're a good guy.
We're in this room right now,
you and me.
You looking at me.
You let your name
be used to hurt me.
And now you're sitting here,
asking me to use my fame
to get you
tickets to Lady Gaga.
I mean, how shitty do you
feel right now?
Very.
So you admit that
this is all bullshit.
You wanna know what I think?
You wanna...
I don't think that you
saw me do those jokes
and said, "I'm gonna
tell those jokes, too."
I don't think there's a world
where you're that stupid
or that bad a guy.
I-- I do think, though,
that you're like--
you're like
a machine of success.
You're like-- like a rocket
and you're rocketing
to the stars
and your engines
are sucking stuff up.
Stuff is getting sucked up
in your engines,
like birds and bugs
and some of my jokes.
I think you saw me
do them--
I know you saw me do them
and I think they
just went in your brain
and I don't think you
meant to do it,
but I don't think
you stopped yourself, either.
And that's why I never felt
the need to help you
not be hated
by a lot of people.
But I feel bad.
I mean, I do, I feel bad.
That's great that you
feel bad, right here,
in this room, just, y'know,
the two of us, alone.
Maybe if you felt bad publicly,
on the Internet, then this
could all be behind us--
Well, well, are you
willing to admit,
even for a minute, that
maybe-- maybe you inadvertently
took 'emok or some--
maybe you had some part of it?
Maybe they got in your brain
and you shat 'em out.
Maybe it was inadvertent,
but maybe it did happen.
I-- I shouldn't have
come here, man--
Louie, do you want the tickets?
Because I'm sure that your--
Honestly, I think
that your daughter--
I bet she's really nice.
But you got a lot of
nerve comin' in here, man.
I don't know, it's like
I don't have kids,
so I don't--
I don't get it,
but it must mean a lot
for you to, you know,
come in here and do this,
so, um...
you want the tickets?
Thank you, I--
Yes, I'd like the tickets.
How many?
Two, please.
You got 'em, mm-hmm, okay.
That's good.
Thank you, I appreciate it
a lot, seriously.
You know, the one thing
that, like,
really just...
gets to me
is the whole thing about,
um, people saying that
I stole the joke about
the itchy asshole?
Because... I-- I get
an itchy asshole... a lot.
So for you to think that
you're the only person
who got an itchy
asshole in America--
I mean, that's like, that's...
that's bullshit, y'know?
You should try a...
a natural laundry detergent.
What?
Your daughter is ten?
Yeah.
Why are you
getting her tickets?
What do you mean?
She's ten.
I mean, I remember being ten.
An envelope when
you're ten is...
it's a bummer.
You know, when you're a kid,
you want, like, a box.
You know, why don't
you go get her something?
Get her something, like
a gift that you found,
from her daddy, you know?
A box is exciting
when you're a kid.
An envelope is, you know...
Oh, shit.
Hey, you want a snack?
Oh, yeah, thanks, Dad.
No, not yet, this first.
Can I open it?
Yes!
Thanks, Daddy.
That's nice.
Okay, happy birthday.
Thanks.
Hey, what's up?
You didn't open that on
the kitchen table, did you?
Nope.
Are you lying?
Yep.
Why do you do that?
The opener
is right in the drawer.
Yeah, but the table's
right here.
Louie!
I love you.
Aww...
I love you, too.
Aww.
You're everything to me.
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie... ♪
Hey, what's up?
You didn't open that on
the kitchen table, did you?
Nope.
Are you lying?
Yep.
Why do you do that?
The opener's
right in the drawer.
Yeah, well, the table's
right here.
Louie!
I love you.
Aww...
Why would you say that?
What?
I mean, I just said
a really dick thing.
Why-- why would you
say, "I love you"?
What am I supposed to do here?
- Please?
- Cut!
What's wrong, buddy?
I just...
Why does she say that?
It's cute.
It's cute?
Yeah.
Dude...
I thought we were gonna
do a show about marriage,
like a really honest,
real show.
Yeah.
So what--
This woman is trying to
raise two kids
and her husband just
keeps shittin' all over her,
chipping away at all
the furniture
with his bad attitude.
Yeah.
I mean, are you folks
seriously buying this shit?
Louie, the show's
gonna be great.
No, it's not!
Yeah.
No, man, it's gonna suck, like
every show on television.
We're making
all the same mistakes.
The wife that's way too hot
for the dude
and the friend who
I would never hang out with.
Bob, I love you, you're great,
but there's no reason
for you to be on this show.
I mean, honestly, no offense.
None taken.
You know what?
Can you guys figure
this shit out, okay?
This is my last go-around.
All right, I am 38 years old.
I hitched to this horse
- because you guys said you
wanted to get on air. - Yeah.
In another couple of years,
these fake tits
are gonna look stupid.
So if I'm wasting my time here,
you need to tell me now.
You're wasting your time, you are.
Great!
No, no, Jennifer,
this is gonna be fine.
It-- we can't have a show
where everybody
just says whatever
'cause it's cute.
Boo!
Oh, you know what,
( bleep ) you people!
Okay, okay, look..
What do you want her
to say to you?
What do I want her to say?
Yeah!
You say the table is right here
and then what does she say?
"I'm leaving you."
That's not funny.
Yes, it is.
That's hilarious.
Come on.
"The opener's right there."
"Yeah, but the table's
right here."
"I'm leaving you."
And then she leaves!
And she takes the kids
and then this dude
has to finally face himself
because she's gone
and there's nobody else
to be an asshole to
but himself.
Don't you wanna do--
don't you wanna do that show?
Wouldn't you love
to do that show?
Is everything okay at home,
Louie?
Oh, Christ.
No!
All right, let's take a break.
Oh, hi.
Oh, okay.
Okay, all right.
Hey... hey.
Oh, baby.
Baby, baby, baby, baby.
Your dad's not gonna have
a sitcom.
Not gonna do it.
I wanted to.
I wanted to, so I wouldn't have
to be on the road all the time,
away from you...
and I just wouldn’t do it.
Maybe I'm a coward.
Sorry, baby.
Your dad is a comedian.
It's your tough luck.
All right,
let's put you to sleep.
♪ I had me a rooster ♪
♪ The rooster pleased me ♪
♪ I fed my rooster to
the green berry tree ♪
♪ Little rooster says... ♪
Lilly...
Lilly, I love you.
Please put your hands together
and make that loud clapping
sound for Louie C.K.!
Thank you very much.
Thank you, everybody.
Uh, I have some notes
I'm gonna be working off of.
I hope that's okay with you.
I've never stopped anything
so cold in all my life.
That was amazing.
You guys were clapping so much
and now you look like you've
never clapped in your lives.
That applause is so far in
the rear-view mirror right now.
That's amazing
how quickly--
"Yeah !"
Um...
There was a girl
once who blew me
who subsequently
hung herself... to death.
It's true.
Um, she didn't do it
right after, just so you know.
She didn't do it, like,
immediately after.
She did it two years later.
Because that's how long
it takes--
that's how long you
can live with having blown me
before you need to
end your life.
That's how long--
everyone who has blown me
has died two years later of
their own doing.
That's the gestation
period for suicidal shame
that comes from having
had my penis in your mouth.
That's such an awful way to
describe blowin' somebody,
"having had my penis
in your mouth."
It doesn't-- it just
gives you an image of somebody--
Oh, I got something...
Oh, I got this dick
in my mouth.
Do I still have this--
Do you see this dick there?
Oh, shit, yeah, you got his
dick in your mouth.
Did you like your party?
Mm-hmm.
But it's nice just to be
here quiet with you.
The party was hard.
What's that?
It's a present,
what do you think it is?
For me?
No, it's for the little old
lady who lives in your nose.
Of course it's for you.
What, did you really
think I was just
gonna get you slippers?
Can I open it?
Not 'til your birthday.
It is my birthday.
Well, all right then.
Tickets to...
To...
Sabrina Bubble.
That's right!
Those were very hard to get.
Nobody-- nobody gets tickets
to Sabrina Bubble,
but it turns out, she
and I have the same promoter...
You don't like it.
No, I do.
Thank you, Daddy, thank you.
It's so nice.
It's so nice?
It's supposed to be amazing.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
No, no, no, no, don't do that.
I-- I thought you
loved Sabrina Bubble.
Who do you like now?
Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga?
Jesus, honey,
she's pretty grown up.
She's amazing.
She's my favorite.
I-- I appreciate
that you like her, but I--
Lady Gaga's an artist.
Honey, I wouldn't--
within reason,
I would never tell you
what to listen to, but I--
I want you to grow up to...
to like yourself and have
a job and be strong
and to think about
who you are, not...
I don't want you to
think it's all
about your looks
and glamour and stuff.
Well, can't I grow up like that
and still like Lady Gaga?
So what cities are we lookin'
at for the fall tour?
All right, so I'm thinking
we start in Texas.
Gonna cover
Houston, Austin, Dallas,
San Antonio, then El Paso--
that's one week.
Then we're gonna--
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
That's too
many nights in a row.
I told you, I gotta
come home every week
to be with the kids,
three nights a week.
I told you that.
I can't go out for that long.
Dude, Louie, you could
make so much more money
if you stay out longer,
I'm telling you.
I know that.
But I got my kids
Monday, Tuesday,
and Wednesday nights.
I can't work those nights.
That's just the way
it is, Doug.
Okay, fine, I get it.
You know what, we gotta go
back to El Paso next year.
Just ( bleep ) El Paso,
( bleep ) ri'em right in the ass.
All right, all right,
okay, you don't have to...
I'm sorry for cursing.
I understand
about your kids, okay?
I mean, I don't have kids
but I have a father,
so I get it.
Um, did your girl like
the Sabrina Bubble tickets?
You know what,
I forgot to tell you,
she doesn't wanna go.
She didn't wanna go?
No, she likes Lady Gaga now.
Oh, shit, Lady Gaga?
Yeah, can you get tickets?
No.
No, just like that?
No, I can't-- Lady Gaga?
No way, man.
Listen, we work with
Live Promotion Inc.
She's AEG all the way.
Oh...
Does AEG handle any comedians?
Only one.
Who?
Dane Cook.
Oh.
Yeah.
Shit.
Yeah, the arena dog.
I mean, he's gonna be
at the Garden.
If you want, I can
get you backstage passes,
you can go talk to him.
Hey, man.
Hey.
What are you doin' here?
I thought you hated Dane.
I don't hate him.
You should hate him,
he stole your jokes.
I don't know
that he stole my jokes.
Everybody says
he stole your jokes.
He stole your jokes, stupid.
I just came to talk
to him about something.
I don't know...
What are you doing here?
Pickin' up young pussy.
All his fans are college age.
You know... nice and snug.
I get it.
Dane says he'll see you.
Come with us.
All right, man, I'll see l you later.
All right, later.
Take it easy.
Comin' up on the right.
Hold up for the hand-off.
Crazy.
He's coming down.
Hey, Dane.
Can I-- can I talk to
you for a second?
Yeah.
Um, can you guys just
give me a minute?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Uh...
I need to ask you for a favor.
Well, this should be, uh...
That's really something.
Okay.
Look, I--
I know that, um...
"Um" what?
I have a daughter
and, uh--
What can I do for you?
I have a daughter, she's ten,
she just turned ten,
she had a birthday
and she wants
to go see Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga.
Awesome.
And I know you have the same
promoter as her...
Yeah.
... so I was hoping
that you could, uh...
you could help me...
to get her tickets...
for her birthday.
I could totally
do that for you,
uh, easily.
I know Lady Gaga.
You do?
And, uh, yeah, I could
get you tickets, backstage,
and, uh, I could help you
to make your daughter
very, very happy.
Mm-hmm.
All you have to do is
go on YouTube
and tell everybody that
I did not steal your material.
I never said that
you stole my jokes--
You never said it.
But you let other
people say it.
What let?
I can't tell
people what to say.
You're full of shit!
Dane, look--
You know what?
I'm excited that you're
in this room right now
'cause I waited four years
to tell you this.
Do you know the year
2000 and six?
2000 and six?
Yes.
2000 and six.
You don't really
say "2000 and six."
It's 2006.
"2000 and six" is like saying
the year 2000 and, by the way,
the number six.
"2000 and six"
was the greatest
year of my entire life.
I had a double-platinum
comedy album.
First one ever to exist.
I had a massive HBO special.
I was on
the cover of "TIME."
Well, you were on the corner,
the little corner thing.
It wasn't the--
Not like when the president
is on the cover.
2000 and six.
That should've
been like my triumph,
and I enjoyed it, Louie,
for maybe two months.
Two months before
it started to suck
because everything
I read about me was about
how I stole jokes from you,
which I didn't.
I kind of think you did.
Dude, why would
I steal three jokes from you
when I have hours of material?
Why?
Why would I do that?
Risk my reputation!
'Cause they were funny jokes.
You know what, Louie?
You know what the biggest
lie in the world is?
Is that I'm a rock star,
I'm a millionaire,
I'm-- I'm a comedy behemoth
and you're like a comic's comic
and you're an inside-joke guy
and I'm a sellout
and-- and I sold my soul
and you have-- you have
artistic integrity
and you're a--
you're a good guy.
We're in this room right now,
you and me.
You looking at me.
You let your name
be used to hurt me.
And now you're sitting here,
asking me to use my fame
to get you
tickets to Lady Gaga.
I mean, how shitty do you
feel right now?
Very.
So you admit that
this is all bullshit.
You wanna know what I think?
You wanna...
I don't think that you
saw me do those jokes
and said, "I'm gonna
tell those jokes, too."
I don't think there's a world
where you're that stupid
or that bad a guy.
I-- I do think, though,
that you're like--
you're like
a machine of success.
You're like-- like a rocket
and you're rocketing
to the stars
and your engines
are sucking stuff up.
Stuff is getting sucked up
in your engines,
like birds and bugs
and some of my jokes.
I think you saw me
do them--
I know you saw me do them
and I think they
just went in your brain
and I don't think you
meant to do it,
but I don't think
you stopped yourself, either.
And that's why I never felt
the need to help you
not be hated
by a lot of people.
But I feel bad.
I mean, I do, I feel bad.
That's great that you
feel bad, right here,
in this room, just, y'know,
the two of us, alone.
Maybe if you felt bad publicly,
on the Internet, then this
could all be behind us--
Well, well, are you
willing to admit,
even for a minute, that
maybe-- maybe you inadvertently
took 'emok or some--
maybe you had some part of it?
Maybe they got in your brain
and you shat 'em out.
Maybe it was inadvertent,
but maybe it did happen.
I-- I shouldn't have
come here, man--
Louie, do you want the tickets?
Because I'm sure that your--
Honestly, I think
that your daughter--
I bet she's really nice.
But you got a lot of
nerve comin' in here, man.
I don't know, it's like
I don't have kids,
so I don't--
I don't get it,
but it must mean a lot
for you to, you know,
come in here and do this,
so, um...
you want the tickets?
Thank you, I--
Yes, I'd like the tickets.
How many?
Two, please.
You got 'em, mm-hmm, okay.
That's good.
Thank you, I appreciate it
a lot, seriously.
You know, the one thing
that, like,
really just...
gets to me
is the whole thing about,
um, people saying that
I stole the joke about
the itchy asshole?
Because... I-- I get
an itchy asshole... a lot.
So for you to think that
you're the only person
who got an itchy
asshole in America--
I mean, that's like, that's...
that's bullshit, y'know?
You should try a...
a natural laundry detergent.
What?
Your daughter is ten?
Yeah.
Why are you
getting her tickets?
What do you mean?
She's ten.
I mean, I remember being ten.
An envelope when
you're ten is...
it's a bummer.
You know, when you're a kid,
you want, like, a box.
You know, why don't
you go get her something?
Get her something, like
a gift that you found,
from her daddy, you know?
A box is exciting
when you're a kid.
An envelope is, you know...
Oh, shit.
Hey, you want a snack?
Oh, yeah, thanks, Dad.
No, not yet, this first.
Can I open it?
Yes!
Thanks, Daddy.
That's nice.
Okay, happy birthday.
Thanks.
Hey, what's up?
You didn't open that on
the kitchen table, did you?
Nope.
Are you lying?
Yep.
Why do you do that?
The opener
is right in the drawer.
Yeah, but the table's
right here.
Louie!
I love you.
Aww...
I love you, too.
Aww.
You're everything to me.