Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - Subway/Pamela - full transcript
Louie rides the subway and hangs out with his friend.
( violin playing )
( laughing )
( chatter )
Can't mess with me,
got the world
by the balls, baby.
Going for the full ride.
Can't get over myself.
14 years old, born in 1997.
Here's my school I.D.
I'm a junior in high school.
I skipped the 9th grade,
skipped the 10th grade.
Man, I'm gonna graduate at 16.
Marry you right now,
come on, girl.
Don't be scared.
I'm gonna be educated.
Come on, girl.
( man )
Gonna rain.
Gonna rain.
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
Why did you wanna come here?
I don't know,
it's a good place.
Did you wanna take me here
because it looks Frenchy
and cool-looking?
No, I mean...
Have you ever eaten here?
Yeah...
When?
Liar.
You picked it out
because you thought
that I would think you
were cool,
which you're not,
you need to face it.
You're very, very
un-cool, Louie.
And you're very boring.
Yeah, well,
you're not exactly--
Yes, I am exactly.
Come on, you think I'm awesome.
I think you're okay,
it's just the way it is.
We need to admit that
or just walk away.
Okay.
I wish the food would come.
Why?
'Cause I'm starving.
Really, you're starving?
You can't just be hungry
for a second?
Is your life gonna end?
Do you have to constantly shove
bread in your hole?
I don't have to.
I-- I have to.
Aww...
Ugh, my God.
That guy who just walked in.
Which one?
The one over there
with the face.
Yeah?
Yeah, I think I did
something with him.
You did something?
What, you robbed a bank?
No, I did something.
Oh.
Ten years ago, I don't know.
My God.
He didn't get old.
So you slept with him.
I don't know I don't remember.
But you said you did something.
Yeah, but I don't know if this
is my mouth, my pussy, or...
Or?
Yeah, "or."
I used to do that.
You used to?
Yeah.
Quite a bit.
But now...
Now, I mean, it's not like
I officially retired.
It's not like they hung
my jersey from the rafters,
but, definitely no one's been
in there for awhile.
It just kinda tapered off.
It tapered off?
Yeah.
The constant flow of penises
into your asshole
just-- just tapered off.
Yeah, just died out.
Must've been global warming
or something.
Long term.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Th That's really go.
Oh, my Jesus.
Mmm.
Kick a Jesus in the face,
this is delicious.
I told you this
is a great place.
Shut up, you didn't know.
This is the best thing
I've ever tasted.
I'm gonna eat this and then
go home and kill myself.
I can't wait to eat
the shit that I take
from eating this food.
( laughing )
Oh, my God, that's the funniest
thing you ever said.
Seriously, that's the first time
you've ever made me laugh.
Louie, you're the unfunniest
comedian in the world.
That's the first thing
you ever said that was funny.
Look how pleased she is
with herself.
Oh, she is so pleased.
No.
Good for you.
Okay.
Good for her.
Uh-huh.
( Louie ) Just shut up.
Last week, I took Serge
to Disney World.
He was too scared
to go on any rides.
It was such a bummer.
I was so excited, I love rides.
But he cried like
a little bitch every time
I tried to get him
to go on one.
Ah, poor little guy.
What, poor?
He's ten, he can't be
afraid of shit like that.
If he's scared, he's scared.
No, not.
What no not?
I have to toughen him up.
He can't go through life
being afraid of everything.
Yeah, but it's normal to be
afraid of a ride.
It's not like there's a lot
of challenges in life where
you're gonna be thrown around
'til you puke.
So it's--
you're building a skill
he gets to use only
at Disney World.
I get it, 'cause I hate rides.
You get scared?
Yeah, I went on
a Ferris wheel one time,
and I screamed like
a little girl
who just saw
a spider in her vagina.
( laughing )
Oh, man.
Oh, Jesus, you're on a roll.
Whoa.
No.
Pamela...
What?
Pamela...
Oh, come on.
Can't we just share a laugh?
Why you gotta take it
to the level all the time?
Look at your face.
Look, we both know...
Don't... don't, please.
I just have this feeling--
Don't, no--
--these feelings.
I don't want to see your bummed-out face
at the end of this road.
Just please
stop the car, Louie.
Why?
Because... I value your
friendship.
And you're about to end it.
Why are you saying that?
Because...
you keep pressing me, man.
And I can't go that way.
You're gonna get so bummed out
and you're gonna wanna stop
hanging out with me.
You're worried I'm not gonna
wanna hang out with you?
Dude.
Look, I know you don't
feel the same way about me.
I get-- I know that,
I'm not stupid.
I don't-- it's fine.
I'm actually fine
with the way things are,
that I'm in a constant state
of agitation.
It's actually better
than any real requited
love/sex thing I ever had.
Okay, now you're depressing me.
I'm-- no, I'm saying that I--
I wanna be your friend.
And it's okay with me
that there's nothing else.
But can I just--
Can I just tell you one time
the way I feel about you?
You wanna tell me?
Yes, and I'll be your friend,
and I won't press you
to be anything else, I promise,
if you just let me
get it out one time.
You wanna tell me?
Yes... please.
Go ahead.
Pamela, I'm in love with you.
Uh.
Yeah, it's that bad.
You're so beautiful to me.
Oh, okay, ew.
Just shut up!
Let me tell you, let me.
Every time I look at your face
or even remember it,
it wrecks me.
And the way you are with me,
and you're just fun,
and you're--
you shit all over me
and you make fun of me
and you're real.
I don't have enough time in any
day to think about you enough.
I feel like I'm gonna live
a thousand years
'cause that's how
long it's gonna take me
to have one thought about you,
which is that I'm
crazy about you, Pamela.
I don't wanna be
with anybody else.
Louie...
I don't.
I really don't.
I don't think about women
anymore, I think about you.
I had a dream the other night
that you and I were on a train.
We were on this train and you
were holding my hand.
That's the whole dream.
You were holding my hand.
And I felt you holding my hand.
I woke up and I couldn't
believe it wasn't real.
I'm sick in love with you, Pam.
It's like a condition.
It's like polio.
I feel like I'm gonna die
if I can't be with you.
And I can't be with you.
So I'm gonna die.
And I don't care.
'Cause I was brought into
existence to know you,
and that's enough.
The idea that you would
want me back,
it's like greedy.
I'm doing a bad job at this.
No, you're not.
I'm not?
No.
It's a good job.
It's a... jewel.
Good job.
Is there any planet,
any part of the world that you'd
feel any of the same--
is there even a shard
of a fraction of the feelings
that you have?
Oh, no.
I'm..
No...
Yeah, no.
Just not--
Yeah, no.
But that was gorgeous.
That made me feel really good.
Good, good.
All right.
That was really...
Nothing coming back
the other direction?
Not even-- no, not no,
just nothing.
No, sorry.
But nice, good.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, let's just keep
walking around...
very awkwardly then.
Great, let's continue.
I need to go food shopping.
Wanna help me?
Yes, anything.
Oh, be careful.
Okay.
Sorry, it's really messy.
All right.
Just-- that's perfect.
Thanks.
Where's Serge?
Huh?
Where is Serge?
Oh, he, uh-- he has
a sleepover after soccer.
( water running )
You want something to drink?
You wanna take a bath?
You hungry?
I'm kinda tired.
Oh, okay.
Well, we could just--
I think I'm just gonna--
just go home.
Okay.
All right.
I'll see ya later.
Oh, oh... yes.
I will see you...
later.
All right, that was...
Yeah?
Hey.
Hey.
Did you just ask me
if I wanted to take a bath?
Yeah.
Did you mean with you?
Yep.
You wanted to take a bath
with me?
It was an impulse, so...
You seriously wanted
to take a bath with me?
Yeah, for a second,
and not anymore
and never again,
and eww, and goodbye.
And Jesus,
did you just blow that,
and goodbye.
And 43-year-old couples
are funny
because they act
like old couples.
They act like your
grandparents.
Because they're already
building those skills.
You know that way your
grandparents are
with each other?
They didn't start that at 80.
They started it
as soon as they figured out
they're not getting out.
I was with my friends,
this couple,
and the guy,
he just goes for long walks.
For hours, he just walks.
And she doesn't get it.
She's like,
"He just walks, it's weird.
He just goes for, I don't know,
likes his long walks."
Of course he does,
he's running out the clock on
the rest of his life.
He's trying to stay as far
as possible from the person
he's gonna spend the rest
of his life with.
And that's like
your grandparents,
what your grandmother talks
about your grandfather.
"Ah, he just stands
in the backyard for hours.
He's crazy."
That's 'cause he hates you
a lot!
He hates you a lot.
He hates you more than
he loves you, Grandma.
And that's why every time your
mouth opens, he goes, "Ugh,"
and then he just stands
out there looking
at where the grass
meets the pavement.
"Yeah?
Comin'."
( laughing )
( chatter )
Can't mess with me,
got the world
by the balls, baby.
Going for the full ride.
Can't get over myself.
14 years old, born in 1997.
Here's my school I.D.
I'm a junior in high school.
I skipped the 9th grade,
skipped the 10th grade.
Man, I'm gonna graduate at 16.
Marry you right now,
come on, girl.
Don't be scared.
I'm gonna be educated.
Come on, girl.
( man )
Gonna rain.
Gonna rain.
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
Why did you wanna come here?
I don't know,
it's a good place.
Did you wanna take me here
because it looks Frenchy
and cool-looking?
No, I mean...
Have you ever eaten here?
Yeah...
When?
Liar.
You picked it out
because you thought
that I would think you
were cool,
which you're not,
you need to face it.
You're very, very
un-cool, Louie.
And you're very boring.
Yeah, well,
you're not exactly--
Yes, I am exactly.
Come on, you think I'm awesome.
I think you're okay,
it's just the way it is.
We need to admit that
or just walk away.
Okay.
I wish the food would come.
Why?
'Cause I'm starving.
Really, you're starving?
You can't just be hungry
for a second?
Is your life gonna end?
Do you have to constantly shove
bread in your hole?
I don't have to.
I-- I have to.
Aww...
Ugh, my God.
That guy who just walked in.
Which one?
The one over there
with the face.
Yeah?
Yeah, I think I did
something with him.
You did something?
What, you robbed a bank?
No, I did something.
Oh.
Ten years ago, I don't know.
My God.
He didn't get old.
So you slept with him.
I don't know I don't remember.
But you said you did something.
Yeah, but I don't know if this
is my mouth, my pussy, or...
Or?
Yeah, "or."
I used to do that.
You used to?
Yeah.
Quite a bit.
But now...
Now, I mean, it's not like
I officially retired.
It's not like they hung
my jersey from the rafters,
but, definitely no one's been
in there for awhile.
It just kinda tapered off.
It tapered off?
Yeah.
The constant flow of penises
into your asshole
just-- just tapered off.
Yeah, just died out.
Must've been global warming
or something.
Long term.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Th That's really go.
Oh, my Jesus.
Mmm.
Kick a Jesus in the face,
this is delicious.
I told you this
is a great place.
Shut up, you didn't know.
This is the best thing
I've ever tasted.
I'm gonna eat this and then
go home and kill myself.
I can't wait to eat
the shit that I take
from eating this food.
( laughing )
Oh, my God, that's the funniest
thing you ever said.
Seriously, that's the first time
you've ever made me laugh.
Louie, you're the unfunniest
comedian in the world.
That's the first thing
you ever said that was funny.
Look how pleased she is
with herself.
Oh, she is so pleased.
No.
Good for you.
Okay.
Good for her.
Uh-huh.
( Louie ) Just shut up.
Last week, I took Serge
to Disney World.
He was too scared
to go on any rides.
It was such a bummer.
I was so excited, I love rides.
But he cried like
a little bitch every time
I tried to get him
to go on one.
Ah, poor little guy.
What, poor?
He's ten, he can't be
afraid of shit like that.
If he's scared, he's scared.
No, not.
What no not?
I have to toughen him up.
He can't go through life
being afraid of everything.
Yeah, but it's normal to be
afraid of a ride.
It's not like there's a lot
of challenges in life where
you're gonna be thrown around
'til you puke.
So it's--
you're building a skill
he gets to use only
at Disney World.
I get it, 'cause I hate rides.
You get scared?
Yeah, I went on
a Ferris wheel one time,
and I screamed like
a little girl
who just saw
a spider in her vagina.
( laughing )
Oh, man.
Oh, Jesus, you're on a roll.
Whoa.
No.
Pamela...
What?
Pamela...
Oh, come on.
Can't we just share a laugh?
Why you gotta take it
to the level all the time?
Look at your face.
Look, we both know...
Don't... don't, please.
I just have this feeling--
Don't, no--
--these feelings.
I don't want to see your bummed-out face
at the end of this road.
Just please
stop the car, Louie.
Why?
Because... I value your
friendship.
And you're about to end it.
Why are you saying that?
Because...
you keep pressing me, man.
And I can't go that way.
You're gonna get so bummed out
and you're gonna wanna stop
hanging out with me.
You're worried I'm not gonna
wanna hang out with you?
Dude.
Look, I know you don't
feel the same way about me.
I get-- I know that,
I'm not stupid.
I don't-- it's fine.
I'm actually fine
with the way things are,
that I'm in a constant state
of agitation.
It's actually better
than any real requited
love/sex thing I ever had.
Okay, now you're depressing me.
I'm-- no, I'm saying that I--
I wanna be your friend.
And it's okay with me
that there's nothing else.
But can I just--
Can I just tell you one time
the way I feel about you?
You wanna tell me?
Yes, and I'll be your friend,
and I won't press you
to be anything else, I promise,
if you just let me
get it out one time.
You wanna tell me?
Yes... please.
Go ahead.
Pamela, I'm in love with you.
Uh.
Yeah, it's that bad.
You're so beautiful to me.
Oh, okay, ew.
Just shut up!
Let me tell you, let me.
Every time I look at your face
or even remember it,
it wrecks me.
And the way you are with me,
and you're just fun,
and you're--
you shit all over me
and you make fun of me
and you're real.
I don't have enough time in any
day to think about you enough.
I feel like I'm gonna live
a thousand years
'cause that's how
long it's gonna take me
to have one thought about you,
which is that I'm
crazy about you, Pamela.
I don't wanna be
with anybody else.
Louie...
I don't.
I really don't.
I don't think about women
anymore, I think about you.
I had a dream the other night
that you and I were on a train.
We were on this train and you
were holding my hand.
That's the whole dream.
You were holding my hand.
And I felt you holding my hand.
I woke up and I couldn't
believe it wasn't real.
I'm sick in love with you, Pam.
It's like a condition.
It's like polio.
I feel like I'm gonna die
if I can't be with you.
And I can't be with you.
So I'm gonna die.
And I don't care.
'Cause I was brought into
existence to know you,
and that's enough.
The idea that you would
want me back,
it's like greedy.
I'm doing a bad job at this.
No, you're not.
I'm not?
No.
It's a good job.
It's a... jewel.
Good job.
Is there any planet,
any part of the world that you'd
feel any of the same--
is there even a shard
of a fraction of the feelings
that you have?
Oh, no.
I'm..
No...
Yeah, no.
Just not--
Yeah, no.
But that was gorgeous.
That made me feel really good.
Good, good.
All right.
That was really...
Nothing coming back
the other direction?
Not even-- no, not no,
just nothing.
No, sorry.
But nice, good.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, let's just keep
walking around...
very awkwardly then.
Great, let's continue.
I need to go food shopping.
Wanna help me?
Yes, anything.
Oh, be careful.
Okay.
Sorry, it's really messy.
All right.
Just-- that's perfect.
Thanks.
Where's Serge?
Huh?
Where is Serge?
Oh, he, uh-- he has
a sleepover after soccer.
( water running )
You want something to drink?
You wanna take a bath?
You hungry?
I'm kinda tired.
Oh, okay.
Well, we could just--
I think I'm just gonna--
just go home.
Okay.
All right.
I'll see ya later.
Oh, oh... yes.
I will see you...
later.
All right, that was...
Yeah?
Hey.
Hey.
Did you just ask me
if I wanted to take a bath?
Yeah.
Did you mean with you?
Yep.
You wanted to take a bath
with me?
It was an impulse, so...
You seriously wanted
to take a bath with me?
Yeah, for a second,
and not anymore
and never again,
and eww, and goodbye.
And Jesus,
did you just blow that,
and goodbye.
And 43-year-old couples
are funny
because they act
like old couples.
They act like your
grandparents.
Because they're already
building those skills.
You know that way your
grandparents are
with each other?
They didn't start that at 80.
They started it
as soon as they figured out
they're not getting out.
I was with my friends,
this couple,
and the guy,
he just goes for long walks.
For hours, he just walks.
And she doesn't get it.
She's like,
"He just walks, it's weird.
He just goes for, I don't know,
likes his long walks."
Of course he does,
he's running out the clock on
the rest of his life.
He's trying to stay as far
as possible from the person
he's gonna spend the rest
of his life with.
And that's like
your grandparents,
what your grandmother talks
about your grandfather.
"Ah, he just stands
in the backyard for hours.
He's crazy."
That's 'cause he hates you
a lot!
He hates you a lot.
He hates you more than
he loves you, Grandma.
And that's why every time your
mouth opens, he goes, "Ugh,"
and then he just stands
out there looking
at where the grass
meets the pavement.
"Yeah?
Comin'."