Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 8 - Come On, God - full transcript
Louie explores one of his lifelong habits.
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
My next guest is
the leader of a cause
that I personally didn't
know existed.
It's a fight
against masturbation.
Ellen Favor is the president
and founder of CAM,
or Christians
Against Masturbation.
Ellen, welcome to the program.
Thank you for having me.
It's a pleasure to be here.
Well, "pleasure," I believe
that is the issue here.
Is that what
your group is against?
Of course not.
We believe God put us
on the earth to enjoy life
and enjoy the world
he created for us.
But why form a group against
something like this?
Thank you for asking me that.
I wouldn't be doing this
if I didn't think
it was very important.
But there are some people
who would say,
come on,
it's just masturbation.
I don't think of it
as just masturbation.
Frankly, I think of it
as a tragedy.
A tragedy?
You mean like a tsunami
or Rwanda?
Yes, I think it's that serious,
because those events--
While certainly tragic--
Affected only one region of
people in the world or another,
while masturbation is a crime
against-- Against God
and against the person
who does it to themselves.
Young people all over the world
are depriving themselves
of the greatest gift
that the lord bestowed
upon them at their birth,
their purity and grace
in his eyes.
Well, that's--
That's very compelling.
Let's bring in our next guest,
comedian Louis C.K.,
who some might describe as an
aficionado of masturbation,
a man who is well-known for
being a prolific masturbator,
who even brags about it.
Is that fair to say, Louie?
Yeah, that's fair.
In fact, you're the only
person we could find
who would come here
to defend masturbation.
Well, I like it.
It's-- It's easy
and it's fun
and nobody gets hurt.
Well, isn't that the point
here, Ellen?
With all due respect, why
do you care what a man does
in the privacy of
his own house?
God cares.
The Bible teaches us that lust
in your heart is a sin
when acted upon outside
the context of marriage.
Well, I'm not married,
so anything I do is
outside of that context.
I'm not against having sex.
I believe that the lord
put desire in your heart
as a beacon for love.
It's the way that we can find
someone and marry them
and enjoy each other
under his loving gaze.
Wait a minute,
you mean that God watches
married people have sex.
Well, God watches over
everything.
So we're like porn for God?
He watches us and then
he probably masturbates.
Okay, that is way
out of line, Mr. C.K.
This young lady--
That's all right.
I know you're a comedian,
so this is probably
so funny to you.
Yeah, it's pretty funny.
That's what's so sad.
That you don't know
the darkness that you live in.
Uh, no, I know the darkness.
You don't have to
live this way.
There is a life of joy and
passion waiting for you,
if you just stop
hurting yourself.
How can you tell people
not to masturbate?
I mean, nobody can not do it.
Since there's been people,
all of them--
Every single person, ever--
Has masturbated.
Napoleon masturbated,
Gandhi, Joan Jett,
Shakespeare.
Shakespeare, definitely.
It's like telling people
not to breathe.
It's really--
It's not fair.
I pity you,
that you think that,
that you can't not do it.
Have you ever tried?
Tried not to masturbate?
Yes.
Well, sometimes I won't
do it for, like, a week
but that's just so that
when I do it again,
it'll be way better.
But what if you really stopped?
What if you saved that
urge inside of you
and thought of it
as something sacred?
Until you meet the right
person and you love them
and then you
get married to them,
and then you can give that
to them
as a gift that you've
cherished and you saved.
That's beautiful.
Have you ever been married?
No.
I was married for nine years,
and believe me,
God was not smiling.
And now you're alone.
And you masturbate
and you're alone.
You asked me, Louie,
"Have you ever been married ?"
Now I ask you, have you
ever been happy?
Are you happy now?
So Ellen, how does your
group get the word out?
Are there rallies?
Where is the picket line
for this?
Oh, no.
We have meetings,
it's like a town hall.
We bring people to gather
and inspire them to
walk a path of purity.
You're welcome to come.
I'd be happy if you did.
It sounds like
a lot of bullshit.
Okay, we're ready to
wrap it up here.
You know what really
pisses me off
about people like you?
You think you can
tell other people
like you've got the keys
to how to be happy.
You know,
you don't know me, okay?
And you don't know God.
God probably hates
people like you
that try to tell
other people what to do.
Wow.
Masturbating's really
important to you.
Yeah, it is.
It keeps me sane.
I'm a good citizen,
I'm a good father,
I recycle and I masturbate.
And I'm proud of it.
And God's happy.
And later, I'm gonna masturbate
and I'm gonna think about you
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
I hope you do think about me.
Uh-huh.
I hope you think about
what I said,
that's exactly what I want.
Yeah.
Okay, well, that concludes
our show for today.
Thank you both for coming
and thank you for joining us,
and from our studio
to your home,
we bid you a fond good night.
Hey.
Hey.
Listen, I'm sorry, I--
I meant what I said in there.
You should come to a meeting.
You don't want me there.
No, I really do.
Come on.
You can dismiss it or mock it.
Just give it a try.
Are you being serious?
I'm serious.
I wouldn't kid around
about your soul.
You know,
it's really sad about men
that we can't have a beautiful
thought about a woman
that isn't followed by
a disgusting thought
about that same woman.
We're not capable of it.
We can't do one
without the other.
If you're a woman and
a guy's ever said
anything romantic to you,
he just left off
the second part
that would have made you sick
if you could have heard it.
That's how our brains work.
"She's an angel...
and I want her to
drown in my cum."
That's the closest we can get
to poetry in our hearts.
We love you, we really do.
We think you're angels,
and we want you to
drown in our cum.
We want to drench your angel
wings that carry you to heaven
with our sticky, gooey,
disgusting jism.
That's what we want!
I'm sorr-- It's just
the way we are.
Can you hold that?
Thank you.
It's no problem.
Just had to stick my arm out.
Hi.
Hey.
Um...
Can you, like,
help me out with this?
With that?
Yeah, with this.
What seems to be the problem?
It's just that there's,
like, zero dicks in there.
Zero dicks?
Yeah.
There are, like,
no dicks in there.
Ugh, it's so annoying.
Can you, like, help me out?
Can you, just like, stick a
whole bag of dicks in there?
A bag of dicks?
Yeah, that would be so great.
You have a bag of dicks
right there.
Ugh.
You want me to
put these in there?
Um, yeah.
Should I take each one out
and put it--
Well, can you, just like,
shove the whole bag in there?
Okay, I'll--
Oh, my God...
That's so much better.
Keep going!
I'm trying, I'm trying.
You trying to put the whole
bag of dick in there?
This is the way she likes it.
There is no room.
Hey, screw you.
American women
are very complicated.
Don't be ashamed
to live without shame.
Just remember to keep
your body pure
so that the Lord can enter it.
So...
Hey.
What'd you think?
That was really something.
I think it's great you came.
I'm glad I came.
So do you want to get a drink?
Yeah, sure.
Why are you so nervous?
I don't know.
I mean, this is weird.
This is definitely weird.
You're... a thing
and I'm, you know.
There's things about me
that if you knew them,
you would be very disgusted.
I'm not disgusted with you.
I'm concerned for you, maybe.
But you're a good person.
I can tell.
I'd like to know you.
Come on.
A guy like you
has to know how to
talk to a pretty girl,
doesn't he?
Yeah, but not--
You know, usually,
that's when I'm trying to--
Yeah, so, you kind of
need that incentive
to bring out the charm.
Well, go ahead and pretend
you're trying to...
have me.
It'll be fun to watch.
So are you--
Are you seriously a virgin?
Yes, Louie,
I am very seriously a virgin.
It's very serious.
Well, look, I know it sounds
dumb, but I think it's--
I think it's kind of sad.
Why?
Well, losing your virginity
is supposed to be
just a tragic,
stupid, silly moment
and you only get it once.
For you, it's gonna be
this big, grown-up thing.
What was it like for you?
For me?
My first time with a girl?
Yeah.
Well, I was in high school
and it was my girlfriend.
The first thing
that we did, she--
She jerked me off.
Sorry.
Go ahead, I asked.
Well, she--
She's touching me, and nobody
had ever touched my penis
so it was really a big deal,
and she was being all
high school
and tugging and just awkward
and it was so intense
that when I--
When I came,
it was with such force,
that I-- I started farting.
And I'm coming and farting
and she's laughing.
That was the basis of
my whole life sexually,
was just shame...
and cum and farts.
Yeah, I can see I missed
something there.
Yeah.
Well, do you want to
come up to my suite?
I'm having fun, but I'm
kind of sick of being out.
Yeah, suite?
Sounds-- Sounds nice.
They pay you well to be a
not-coming person, huh?
You get suites?
All right,
let's go to your suite.
Just want to get ready for bed.
Sure.
So how did you get to
be a Christian?
Oh, well, I was born one.
I mean, we all are.
What about Jews?
Well, they're God's children
too and Christ loves them.
I just think we should be
accepting and try to under--
Uh, oh, oh--
Sorry.
Come on.
You couldn't have thought
that one was gonna work.
I know, I just--
I know, you wanted it,
so you went to take it.
That's how you are.
Well, how do you not?
I mean, my odds
were pretty low here,
but if I'd done it,
then I'd be smart.
Maybe if you--
If you want it, it turned out,
it would have been a good idea.
Really?
You mean, if I wanted
you to be with me,
you would want that?
Yeah, why not?
Well...
What if there was
something better
that you'd be missing out on?
Like what?
Like...
What if I liked you
and you could tell
and what if you
didn't try to kiss me
and we just-- We sat here
and we talked and we
got to know each other?
I mean, a kiss would
stop that cold.
But if you
don't try to kiss me,
then, um, we'd talk and talk
and say good night,
and maybe we could
see each other again.
And keep talking, and still,
you don't try to kiss me.
Maybe we could get close.
We could start to--
To really like each other.
But we might kiss,
but we don't make out,
You don't touch any
part of my body,
and maybe love would grow.
We'd--
We'd get excited just to
hear each other's voices.
We'd feel pent-up desire.
Then what if we got married?
And you still haven't--
Haven't seen me
in my undergarments,
you haven't touched
any part of me.
Then, on that first night,
we would be together
for the first time.
We could do anything
and everything
and know that the lord
is with us and blesses us.
And because we waited,
that first time
and every time after
would be so passionate
and so free.
I bet you never had sex
one time in your life
like that,
where-- Where there's
no shame, there's no fear,
where you can put all of
yourself in a woman
and leave nothing behind.
Just you and me,
you and your body,
me and my body,
touching, being close,
before God.
This is British Radio
news headlines.
Today in Mogadishu 40
people were slaughtered
by rebel soldiers as they
tried to escape
genocide that has ramped
into that sole African nation.
The rebels reportedly cut the
heads off of their victims
with machetes and mutilated
their corpses
smearing their entrails all
over the faces of their children.
This has been the 10th day in a row
that such attacks have taken place.
So far 50,000 people have
been brutally murdered...
Into the conflict...
Infested river...
Causing dehydratation and starvation
to millions in the region...
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
My next guest is
the leader of a cause
that I personally didn't
know existed.
It's a fight
against masturbation.
Ellen Favor is the president
and founder of CAM,
or Christians
Against Masturbation.
Ellen, welcome to the program.
Thank you for having me.
It's a pleasure to be here.
Well, "pleasure," I believe
that is the issue here.
Is that what
your group is against?
Of course not.
We believe God put us
on the earth to enjoy life
and enjoy the world
he created for us.
But why form a group against
something like this?
Thank you for asking me that.
I wouldn't be doing this
if I didn't think
it was very important.
But there are some people
who would say,
come on,
it's just masturbation.
I don't think of it
as just masturbation.
Frankly, I think of it
as a tragedy.
A tragedy?
You mean like a tsunami
or Rwanda?
Yes, I think it's that serious,
because those events--
While certainly tragic--
Affected only one region of
people in the world or another,
while masturbation is a crime
against-- Against God
and against the person
who does it to themselves.
Young people all over the world
are depriving themselves
of the greatest gift
that the lord bestowed
upon them at their birth,
their purity and grace
in his eyes.
Well, that's--
That's very compelling.
Let's bring in our next guest,
comedian Louis C.K.,
who some might describe as an
aficionado of masturbation,
a man who is well-known for
being a prolific masturbator,
who even brags about it.
Is that fair to say, Louie?
Yeah, that's fair.
In fact, you're the only
person we could find
who would come here
to defend masturbation.
Well, I like it.
It's-- It's easy
and it's fun
and nobody gets hurt.
Well, isn't that the point
here, Ellen?
With all due respect, why
do you care what a man does
in the privacy of
his own house?
God cares.
The Bible teaches us that lust
in your heart is a sin
when acted upon outside
the context of marriage.
Well, I'm not married,
so anything I do is
outside of that context.
I'm not against having sex.
I believe that the lord
put desire in your heart
as a beacon for love.
It's the way that we can find
someone and marry them
and enjoy each other
under his loving gaze.
Wait a minute,
you mean that God watches
married people have sex.
Well, God watches over
everything.
So we're like porn for God?
He watches us and then
he probably masturbates.
Okay, that is way
out of line, Mr. C.K.
This young lady--
That's all right.
I know you're a comedian,
so this is probably
so funny to you.
Yeah, it's pretty funny.
That's what's so sad.
That you don't know
the darkness that you live in.
Uh, no, I know the darkness.
You don't have to
live this way.
There is a life of joy and
passion waiting for you,
if you just stop
hurting yourself.
How can you tell people
not to masturbate?
I mean, nobody can not do it.
Since there's been people,
all of them--
Every single person, ever--
Has masturbated.
Napoleon masturbated,
Gandhi, Joan Jett,
Shakespeare.
Shakespeare, definitely.
It's like telling people
not to breathe.
It's really--
It's not fair.
I pity you,
that you think that,
that you can't not do it.
Have you ever tried?
Tried not to masturbate?
Yes.
Well, sometimes I won't
do it for, like, a week
but that's just so that
when I do it again,
it'll be way better.
But what if you really stopped?
What if you saved that
urge inside of you
and thought of it
as something sacred?
Until you meet the right
person and you love them
and then you
get married to them,
and then you can give that
to them
as a gift that you've
cherished and you saved.
That's beautiful.
Have you ever been married?
No.
I was married for nine years,
and believe me,
God was not smiling.
And now you're alone.
And you masturbate
and you're alone.
You asked me, Louie,
"Have you ever been married ?"
Now I ask you, have you
ever been happy?
Are you happy now?
So Ellen, how does your
group get the word out?
Are there rallies?
Where is the picket line
for this?
Oh, no.
We have meetings,
it's like a town hall.
We bring people to gather
and inspire them to
walk a path of purity.
You're welcome to come.
I'd be happy if you did.
It sounds like
a lot of bullshit.
Okay, we're ready to
wrap it up here.
You know what really
pisses me off
about people like you?
You think you can
tell other people
like you've got the keys
to how to be happy.
You know,
you don't know me, okay?
And you don't know God.
God probably hates
people like you
that try to tell
other people what to do.
Wow.
Masturbating's really
important to you.
Yeah, it is.
It keeps me sane.
I'm a good citizen,
I'm a good father,
I recycle and I masturbate.
And I'm proud of it.
And God's happy.
And later, I'm gonna masturbate
and I'm gonna think about you
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
I hope you do think about me.
Uh-huh.
I hope you think about
what I said,
that's exactly what I want.
Yeah.
Okay, well, that concludes
our show for today.
Thank you both for coming
and thank you for joining us,
and from our studio
to your home,
we bid you a fond good night.
Hey.
Hey.
Listen, I'm sorry, I--
I meant what I said in there.
You should come to a meeting.
You don't want me there.
No, I really do.
Come on.
You can dismiss it or mock it.
Just give it a try.
Are you being serious?
I'm serious.
I wouldn't kid around
about your soul.
You know,
it's really sad about men
that we can't have a beautiful
thought about a woman
that isn't followed by
a disgusting thought
about that same woman.
We're not capable of it.
We can't do one
without the other.
If you're a woman and
a guy's ever said
anything romantic to you,
he just left off
the second part
that would have made you sick
if you could have heard it.
That's how our brains work.
"She's an angel...
and I want her to
drown in my cum."
That's the closest we can get
to poetry in our hearts.
We love you, we really do.
We think you're angels,
and we want you to
drown in our cum.
We want to drench your angel
wings that carry you to heaven
with our sticky, gooey,
disgusting jism.
That's what we want!
I'm sorr-- It's just
the way we are.
Can you hold that?
Thank you.
It's no problem.
Just had to stick my arm out.
Hi.
Hey.
Um...
Can you, like,
help me out with this?
With that?
Yeah, with this.
What seems to be the problem?
It's just that there's,
like, zero dicks in there.
Zero dicks?
Yeah.
There are, like,
no dicks in there.
Ugh, it's so annoying.
Can you, like, help me out?
Can you, just like, stick a
whole bag of dicks in there?
A bag of dicks?
Yeah, that would be so great.
You have a bag of dicks
right there.
Ugh.
You want me to
put these in there?
Um, yeah.
Should I take each one out
and put it--
Well, can you, just like,
shove the whole bag in there?
Okay, I'll--
Oh, my God...
That's so much better.
Keep going!
I'm trying, I'm trying.
You trying to put the whole
bag of dick in there?
This is the way she likes it.
There is no room.
Hey, screw you.
American women
are very complicated.
Don't be ashamed
to live without shame.
Just remember to keep
your body pure
so that the Lord can enter it.
So...
Hey.
What'd you think?
That was really something.
I think it's great you came.
I'm glad I came.
So do you want to get a drink?
Yeah, sure.
Why are you so nervous?
I don't know.
I mean, this is weird.
This is definitely weird.
You're... a thing
and I'm, you know.
There's things about me
that if you knew them,
you would be very disgusted.
I'm not disgusted with you.
I'm concerned for you, maybe.
But you're a good person.
I can tell.
I'd like to know you.
Come on.
A guy like you
has to know how to
talk to a pretty girl,
doesn't he?
Yeah, but not--
You know, usually,
that's when I'm trying to--
Yeah, so, you kind of
need that incentive
to bring out the charm.
Well, go ahead and pretend
you're trying to...
have me.
It'll be fun to watch.
So are you--
Are you seriously a virgin?
Yes, Louie,
I am very seriously a virgin.
It's very serious.
Well, look, I know it sounds
dumb, but I think it's--
I think it's kind of sad.
Why?
Well, losing your virginity
is supposed to be
just a tragic,
stupid, silly moment
and you only get it once.
For you, it's gonna be
this big, grown-up thing.
What was it like for you?
For me?
My first time with a girl?
Yeah.
Well, I was in high school
and it was my girlfriend.
The first thing
that we did, she--
She jerked me off.
Sorry.
Go ahead, I asked.
Well, she--
She's touching me, and nobody
had ever touched my penis
so it was really a big deal,
and she was being all
high school
and tugging and just awkward
and it was so intense
that when I--
When I came,
it was with such force,
that I-- I started farting.
And I'm coming and farting
and she's laughing.
That was the basis of
my whole life sexually,
was just shame...
and cum and farts.
Yeah, I can see I missed
something there.
Yeah.
Well, do you want to
come up to my suite?
I'm having fun, but I'm
kind of sick of being out.
Yeah, suite?
Sounds-- Sounds nice.
They pay you well to be a
not-coming person, huh?
You get suites?
All right,
let's go to your suite.
Just want to get ready for bed.
Sure.
So how did you get to
be a Christian?
Oh, well, I was born one.
I mean, we all are.
What about Jews?
Well, they're God's children
too and Christ loves them.
I just think we should be
accepting and try to under--
Uh, oh, oh--
Sorry.
Come on.
You couldn't have thought
that one was gonna work.
I know, I just--
I know, you wanted it,
so you went to take it.
That's how you are.
Well, how do you not?
I mean, my odds
were pretty low here,
but if I'd done it,
then I'd be smart.
Maybe if you--
If you want it, it turned out,
it would have been a good idea.
Really?
You mean, if I wanted
you to be with me,
you would want that?
Yeah, why not?
Well...
What if there was
something better
that you'd be missing out on?
Like what?
Like...
What if I liked you
and you could tell
and what if you
didn't try to kiss me
and we just-- We sat here
and we talked and we
got to know each other?
I mean, a kiss would
stop that cold.
But if you
don't try to kiss me,
then, um, we'd talk and talk
and say good night,
and maybe we could
see each other again.
And keep talking, and still,
you don't try to kiss me.
Maybe we could get close.
We could start to--
To really like each other.
But we might kiss,
but we don't make out,
You don't touch any
part of my body,
and maybe love would grow.
We'd--
We'd get excited just to
hear each other's voices.
We'd feel pent-up desire.
Then what if we got married?
And you still haven't--
Haven't seen me
in my undergarments,
you haven't touched
any part of me.
Then, on that first night,
we would be together
for the first time.
We could do anything
and everything
and know that the lord
is with us and blesses us.
And because we waited,
that first time
and every time after
would be so passionate
and so free.
I bet you never had sex
one time in your life
like that,
where-- Where there's
no shame, there's no fear,
where you can put all of
yourself in a woman
and leave nothing behind.
Just you and me,
you and your body,
me and my body,
touching, being close,
before God.
This is British Radio
news headlines.
Today in Mogadishu 40
people were slaughtered
by rebel soldiers as they
tried to escape
genocide that has ramped
into that sole African nation.
The rebels reportedly cut the
heads off of their victims
with machetes and mutilated
their corpses
smearing their entrails all
over the faces of their children.
This has been the 10th day in a row
that such attacks have taken place.
So far 50,000 people have
been brutally murdered...
Into the conflict...
Infested river...
Causing dehydratation and starvation
to millions in the region...