Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 4 - Joan - full transcript

I feel bad, you know.

I'm like that way
as a father, too.

Like, I have two kids
and I have a responsibility

to stay in shape so I can take
care of 'em, but I don't.

Like, I'm always in
a 48-hour window of diarrhea,

either that I had it

or I'll be having it...

within 48 hours of
any given moment.

There's always
two diarrheas running up...

along the slide of my life

and I'm in somewhere.



And depending on how--
where in that window I am

dictates how much of a radius
from my home

I'm willing to venture.

Otherwise, I'm having
diarrhea in a public restroom

with my kids standing there
watching me,

'cause they're little.

I can't leave 'em
out in a place.

"Daddy, I don't want you
to have diarrhea !"

Sorry, honey,
you want to go to the aquarium,

this is what happens.

I told you,
let's go to the deli

and buy a "Daily News"
and go home,

but you wanted to get all
fancy and go to the aquarium,

so you gotta watch Daddy shit
water out of his asshole.



Hello, Sunshine Deli.

Hi, can I order some
food for delivery?

Okay, what you want?

Uh, can I get some milk, pase?

2%?

No, whole milk.

Yeah, oh-- 2%.

And OJ.

Pulp?
What?

Pulp?

Sorry?

Pulp?

I... I still don't know.

Pulp?

It's just a noise, I'm sorry.

I just-- Can you please--
Pulp?

Is there a word--
Do you have a synonym?

Pulp. You want OJ with pulp
or without pulp?

Oh.

Yeah, no pulp.

One second.

Nah.

Sorry, we don't have.

All right, forget it.

Forget everything or just OJ?

No, just the OJ.

What else you want?

Cream cheese.

The kind with
the pink thing in the--

Yes, I know what kind.

Everybody gets.

Also, do you have apples?

Yes.

And bananas.

How many bananas?

Just a bunch.

How many?

Can you just bring some?

Bananas are loose, my friend.

How many you want?

I don't know, six.

60 bananas.

No, six.
60.

Why are you
hearing extra letters?

Who-- Why would I want--
Who wants 60 bananas?

You want 60 bananas.

No, I don't want 60 bananas.

I...

Just hold on a second, please.

Hello?

Hello, who is this?

Hi, Carleen.

What's the matter?

I just...

I-- I can't--

Okay, just-- Dude, what--
Tell me what happened.

Oh, Louie, I am so sorry

I wasn't a better
big sister to you.

You needed...

someone just to look after you.

It's okay, Carly, just--

You know, maybe go to bed.

It's not fair.

I should have
looked out for you.

You were just little.

I gotta go.

Do you remember,
there was that--

that kid that lived on
the street, Michael?

Michael?

Yeah.

He was really nice to me.

You know, he was just
a really nice guy.

I don't remember him
saying one mean thing.

Do you remember him?

Yes, I remember him.

I-- I gotta go.

Louie.

Please, drink
a big glass of water

and you'll feel better, okay?

Bye.

Louie?

Do not answer.

Just don't answer the phone.

Sunshine Deli.

I don't know who made the rules

for how you're supposed to act
when you meet people.

I don't know why it is
every time I meet somebody,

they turn out to be crazy.

Like, I was in New York
last week and this--

Is anybody listening
to my voice right now?

Is anybody actually paying
attention?

Come on, folks.

Just give me a chance.

I-- I understand
why you're here.

You lost money at the tables

and now they get you
free tickets to this

so that you
wouldn't kill yourself.

Sir, please don't go
gamble more, don't!

Don't do it!

Don't do--
Don't go to the--

Don't play blackjack!

Can we close that door
to the casino?

Is there any way--

Please, can we close that door
to the casino?

Folks, why are you giving
your mon*** to Donald Trump?

Why would you do that?

He's a billionaire
and you--

Come on, you work
hard for your money.

And he has billions of dollars
and you're giving him--

You came here on a shitty bus

to give Donald Trump your 75¢.

You give him your money

and all you get is
tickets to this show

and I'm not even funny,
so how is that--

Oh, oh, thank you.

Yeah, thank you.

Now you're united as a people
in hatred of me.

That's nice.

Well, ( bleep ) you people.

How does that sound,
how does that grab you?

No, come on, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

It says right here:

"You will not disparage
the casino,

"you will not
make jokes about gambling,

"disparaging gambling,

"you will not disparage
Donald Trump,

"you will not act in a rude
manner toward the audience,

"you will not
use the F-word,

"the N-word or the D-word.

You will not leave the stage--"
Wait, wait, wait, what's-- what's the--

What's the D-word?

I don't know, but you've
used the F-word

and you did all
these other things.

Yeah, but you guys
don't police the room.

You don't do anything
to control it.

People come walking in,
they're talking,

they walk out
in the middle of the show.

You don't even close the door
to the casino.

We can't close the door, see.

We only make money
when they're on the floor.

Every minute they're in your
show, we're not making money.

Well, then why am I even here?

Gives the people
something to do.

You know, you guys have
a nice theater here.

Why don't you
put me in the theater?

I would do great in there.
You don't draw a crowd here.

I do, I draw!

I was just in Chicago,
I sold out 1,200 seats.

Well, that's Chicago.

They got all those people.

You're a comic's-comic type.

They come out for you.

Here, that's not worth a thing.

Look...

you're a nice guy.

I'm not into being punitive.

But I need you to promise me

that you won't break
any of these rules,

or I'm gonna have to fire you.

Well, you know what,
you better fire me.

'Cause I can't
get through the weekend

if I can't say how much
I hate it.

All right.

I'll put in your release.

Keep the room tonight,
you go home tomorrow.

All right, thank you.

I don't know why

you just don't want to
keep your mouth shut

and keep the money.

I don't know, either.

... do a nude picture
and she wouldn't do it,

and she should do it
because women's breasts drop.

Women's bodies drop,
goddamn it.

It's-- it's so unfair.

Oh, oh, wait, just you wait.

Without a brassiere, this is how
I go to the bathroom at night.

Without a brassiere, I could
nurse China from the bedroom.

You have no idea.

Everything-- My ass--

I thought a stagehand
pinched me, he stepped on it.

Everything...

And vaginas drop.

Vaginas drop, yes.

Yes, I had no idea.

I woke up
six years ago, I said,

"Why am I wearing
a bunny slipper ?"

And...

And why is it gray?

Vagin--
And no one tells you.

If my mother had said to me,

"Joan, your vagina's
gonna drop,"

I would have said, "Great."

If she'd have said,
"Joan, when you get older,

"your vagina's gonna drop,

"but this is a good thing,

"because you can still have sex
in the bedroom

and watch TV
in the living room,"

I would have gone, "Okay."

Well, men's bodies drop,
too, so ha-ha-ha.

You put a man over 50--
I'm gonna show you.

Who's over 50 here?

I'm gonna show you.

I am gonna show you.

Their balls-- You sit a man
over 50 on the toilet,

it looks like he's
making a cup of tea.

And-- Yes!

Will you sign this for me?
Absolutely.

Thanks so much.

You're very funny.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Thank you very, very much.

Okay.

Hi.
Hello.

Can I get a picture?
Abso-- Sure, of course.

Do you want to be in it?

Do you want to take it for us?

Here, come on in, be in it,
be in it.

That's the whole point.

Here we go.

Smile.

Good.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Pleasure, thank you,
no problem.

Do you have any Purell?

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, Joan.
Hi.

Hi, my name's Louie,
I'm a comic.

Yeah, I know, I know, I've
seen you, you're very funny.

Oh, thanks.
I saw you on cable.

Thank you.

Well, I saw--
I'm playing the lounge here

and I saw your show
and I'm-- I just--

It's-- You were
so good tonight and--

Thank you.

It's nice hearing that
from young comics.

And even somebody your age.
I just want you to know, I think you're great.

- I just have-- always have
thought you were great. - Thank you.

Good, so...

It was nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Okay.

You want to hang out?

You want to talk, gossip?

Got any good gossip?

Shop?
I would love that.

Good, all right.
That would be great.

You know what, meet me upstairs
in my suite, if you would.

'Cause I don't like to
drink in front of everybody.

Sure.
Okay?

Come have a drink
and we'll talk.

Okay, thanks.
Great.

Great.

What's...
her room number?

Gonna be in room 3-A.
Okay.

Coming, coming.

Good, you found it.
Hi.

Hi, nice to see you.

Go on in.
Okay.

Wow.

Yeah, it's nice, huh?
Yeah.

Cher had this place,
she slept here.

Madonna, Bette Midler.

And believe me, I know, 'cause
they don't change the sheets.

Sit down.

Okay.

Would you like
something to drink?

Yeah, whatever you're having.

Okay.

I'm always-- I always have
a little vodka,

if you don't mind.

Sure.

Tell me when.

That's-- Right there's good.
Good.

And...

Okay.

And...

To comedy.

Thank you very much.

So...

you're in the lounge.

I was.

You were fired?

I quit.

What do you mean you quit?

Nobody quits.
I quit.

Are you crazy?

Are you a trust-fund baby
that you quit?

No, it's just
that they got upset

'cause I was saying stuff
about the casino

and I was making
fun of Trump and...

You're in a Trump hotel.

You don't make fun of
the owner of the hotel.

Are you crazy?

He's not gonna hire a comedian
that's gonna say,

"Donald Trump."

I know, but I-- I--

Y'know, this is not
an easy business.

I mean, you want to
try my life sometimes?

I work in Arizona,
how about that?

An Indian casinos,
you think that's easy?

You tell a joke,
they don't like it,

instead of a tomato,
they throw a tomahawk?

What do you expect?

I mean, you got a job.

How lucky are you,
for goodness sakes?

Yeah, but come on.

You're in the nice
theater here.

They got me in
the shitty lounge.

I was in the shitty lounge,
sweetie puss, two years ago.

For all I know, I'll be
back in the shitty lounge

two years from now

and you'll be in the main room.

Things change.

That's the business.

Look at the perks
you're getting.

You've got a job.

You got a card
for the free food

in the employee cafeteria.

I mean, stop bitching
and go buy yourself

a pocketbook that's
lined in plastic

and throw food in
when they're not looking.

Yeah, great.

You know what's
wrong with you guys?

You don't know when
you're lucky.

Appreciate where you are,
for God's sakes.

It goes up, it goes down.

I thought I had
the lock on old.

Lock on old.

And then guess what?

Back from the dead,
Betty White.

Dusted off her old dumb tits
and trotted 'em out.

It could happen to you.

You think you're doing so well

insulting what's-his-name,

"Dane Clark" guy, that asshole?

He can come out
and take a job from you.

Know when you're lucky.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, I know all that.

It's just that sometimes
I get sick of the bullshit.

Sick of the bullshit?

What is your problem?

I am a million years old.

Do you know
what I've been through?

I've been in this business for
a million and two years

and I'm a woman.

I'm a woman!

It's not easy to--

Do you know how many
blow jobs I had to give

to get where I am now?

Come on, give me-- give me
a number, give me a number.

How many blow jobs did it
take for Joan Rivers

to end up in a suite
with lots of flowers?

I don't want to guess that.
Guess, come on.

To go from clubs to
Carson and Carson to Fox

and my own show on daytime,
an Emmy,

and then the red carpet.

Give me a number, give me a--
I don't want to guess.

And then with Melissa, now I
have my own show with Melissa.

Give me a number--
guess, guess, come on.

Give me a number, guess, guess,
guess, guess, guess.

I want to hear a number.

40?

Excuse me?

Around 40?

What the...

How ( bleep ) dare you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
I have never--

What are you talking about ?!

I'm sorry!
I haven't given any!

None!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

None-- Oh, don't you be sorry!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

I don't do blow jobs!

I got here on--

Smell my breath!

I don't do blow jobs!
Okay, I'm sorry!

That's not what gets you
places in this business,

for God's sakes.

God ! I thought you were
saying it was a lot.

I'm sorry.

Don't talk to me anymore for
a second, for God's sake.

I'm sorry.

Listen.

I'm a mother.

Are you a mother?

No, I'm not a mother.

Yeah, well, I thought you were,
the way you whine

like an old bitch
with fat twins.

That's what you whine like.

My God.

You listen to me.

I have done it all.

I've done it all.

And the only
thing I've learned,

the only thing I've learned is,

you don't quit.

You don't quit.

You have a job,
for God's sakes.

You don't quit a job.

You're right.
Of course I'm right.

Listen, you'll be fine.

You'll be absolutely fine.

Tomorrow morning,
you just go downstairs

and you go tell Sam--

it is still Sam, right?

I don't--
I don't remember his name.

What do you mean you don't
remember his name?

You work for the guy,
you gotta know the guy's name.

How can you work for someone
and not know their name?

You think you only
meet these people once?

You gotta learn their names,
for God's sakes.

You learn their
names on the way up

so when you need their help
on the way down,

you have the name.

His name is Sam.

I think his name is Sam.

His name is Sam
and he is a person.

Tomorrow morning,
you go down there

and you say, "Sam, I'm sorry,
I was wrong."

That's important.

"I want my job back."

Okay, all right.

Listen.

I wish I could
tell you it gets better,

but... it doesn't
get better.

You get better.

Think it's been easy?

I've gone up, I've gone down,

I've been bankrupt,
I've been broke.

But you do it,
and you do it because...

because we love it more
than anything else.

That's why you're doing it.

If you want a real job, honey,

there are a million
things you can do,

but what we do is not a job.

Sounds so stupid.

What we do...

is a calling, my dear.

We make people happy.

It's a calling.

What-- What the--
What are you doing--

Are you craz--
Are you craz--

Get away from me, you stupid ass!
I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Sorry?

Sorry-- I'm older
than your grandmother!

What, are you crazy?

I got--
I just got carried away.

God almighty!

I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

It's all right, it's okay,
it's all right, fine.

Okay.

It's all right, it's accepted.

What the hell.

Come on.

But don't you dare tell anybody.
No, no.

I mean, it's for your sake,
not for mine.

Nobody likes necrophiliacs, okay?
All right.

And if you meet Melissa,
nothing.

She still thinks I'm a virgin.

I swear, she thinks she popped
out of me one Easter.

Oh, and...
no staying over.

That's fine.

Fine?

No, I just mean I--

Yeah, fine, whatever.
Okay.

Hey, Sam!