Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 3 - Moving - full transcript

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie you're gonna cry ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie you're gonna die ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie... ♪

Um...

I was on an airplane and there
was a Hasidic Jewish man



trying to put an
enormous bag under the seat.

It doesn't matter that
he was Hasidic,

but it's a detail.

It's a detail.

When you try to put enormous
bags under seats,

folks notice
the kind of person you are.

They make note.

They say some
Chinese guy--

whatever you are--
they're going to describe you.

They're not just gonna say,

"A man put a giant thing
under a seat."

What kind of man?

It's not important.

Just a fellow.



No, this guy trying to
shove this thing under the seat

and no one can leave, 'cause
he's not gonna not do it.

And the flight attendant
was a guy--

and I'm not gonna say he was gay,

'cause that's not important.

It doesn't enter into the story.

I'm gonna call
the Jewish guy a Jewish guy

and I'm gonna call the gay guy
just some guy.

How do you like that?

Isn't that unfair?

I'm not gonna identify him
as gay,

'cause I don't
want to discredit them.

Actually, he didn't do
anything wrong.

So...

Boy, what a disaster
this is right now.

Um...

Jewish guy trying to put
the thing under the seat

and the guy's going,
"Sir, it's not gonna fit."

It's-- He was only slightly gay,
like that.

He wasn't like,
"Sir, it's not gonna fit !

Ahhh !"

No, he just said,
"Sir, it's not gonna fit."

( with Jewish accent )
"It's going to fit,

"I know it's going to fit.

"It's going to fit,
I'm telling you.

Moses..."

( laughing )

What are you doing?

I'm moving this desk so I can
put something else there.

No, Mama put that there.

It's hers.

You better ask her first.

It's all right, baby.

You better ask Mama,
she put that there.

Baby, Mama doesn't
live here anymore.

She lives at her place, okay?

But she used to live here,

and what if she came over
and you moved that?

Hmm?

You suck, man.

You suck at comedy.

There's a lot of cheap places
on the Upper West Side,

but I'd have to--

It's just so far
from the kids' school.

Your mom ate my asshole
last night.

It was good.

Not great, but it was good.

Wanna know why it wasn't great?

( tapping )

Do you want to know why
it wasn't great?

Why?

Because it was your mom
and she sucks.

I could go to Midtown,

take the subway to
school every day.

I don't know, man.

Oh, you know what?

Can I pitch an idea to you?

It's a project.
Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Okay, this is great.

We start with your mom.

We kind of lower her
into a bathtub,

but the bathtub's
not filled with water,

it's filled with diarrhea
from homeless people,

and then we put this
thing on her head, um...

What are those things?

It's like a brick,
but bit's bigger and gray.

A cinder block?

A cinder block,
we put a cinder block,

put it on top of her head
to kind of hold her down.

Do you know anybody who
lives in the East Village?

I'm not done, I'm not done.

I'm sorry, man, I got to
go to an open house.

Can you tell me about this later?

Yeah, that was, like,
10% of the idea.

I gotta go to an open house.

I'll see you later.
All right, can you--

Oh, yeah.
Thanks.

Yeah.

There's a lot more to it,
I think you're gonna like it.

Okay, cool, thanks.
Some twists and turns.

I'll see you later.
Cool.

This is a great place.

There's lots of light,
really modern,

plenty of space.

None of those things
are true about this place.

This one is available
first of the month.

Okay, so I really
want to thank you

for helping me look--
Thanks.

Oh, well, you're so welcome.

Well, I just never
had to find a place

for me and my girls by myself.

It's just easier with somebody to, y'know...
Totally.

I don't care.

Do what I told you.

You take a-- you take
the stove from apartment 16-B

and put it in 17-B.

"B," like "Boratikashi."

Okay?

Yeah.

You act like a man,
you do your job.

Okay, bye.

What can I do for you, buddy?

Hi, there's an ad in the paper

for a three-bedroom
for 2,500.

We don't have that.

What are you looking for?

Was it rented or--

I'm sorry, we don't have it.

You want three-bedroom,
two-bedroom,

what you looking for?

Is this the right place?

'Cause this was in
this morning's paper.

That's a bait-and-switch.

Yes, exactly.

We have a nice apartment,
we put it in the ad

and then you come here
and we show you something else.

Hey, that's illegal, man.

Okay, so call the police, man.

What do you want from me?

Hummus or an apartment, huh?

You come here,

nice couple like you,
you want a nice child nest?

Make a child.
No, no, we're not--

No, she's just my friend.

She just came to help me.

Go to building 701
down the block,

to the left,
apartment 17-A.

Okay?

All right.
Yeah.

There's people there now,
but they'll be out in a week.

Okay.

It's here.
Is that it?

Give me the key.

Did you just...
smell my head?

Ahh, what you...
Oh, shit!

What you do ?!

Let's go, let's go.
Hi.

Sorry--
Let's go.

No, no, it's okay.
Get out!

Get out of my house!

Let's go, come on.
No, no.

It's okay.

Hi, hi.

I'm Pamela and this is Louie,

and Shai gave us the key.

Right, but let's go,
come on, come on.

We're just-- No, no, no, it's okay.
I'm sorry.

Let's go, 'cause I don't want to live here.
No-- Why?

You didn't even give it a chance.
There's a toilet in the kitchen.

Oh, my...

( laughing )

It's a toilet!
Yeah.

So let's go, come on.
So awesome.

Let's get out of here.
No, no, don't write it off.

You're just-- Come on,
look at the living room.

I mean, there's windows
in there, it's so nice.

Would you just look around?

Come on.

We're just gonna look around
the apartment

for a second, okay?

Do you want me to make you an egg?
Okay.

Yeah?
Yes, okay.

That's what I'm gonna...a.

Okay.
Okay, all right.

It's fine, I'll make you
nice, all right?

Okay.
( speaking foreign language )

Okay, we're done with the pickle.

You don't need
any more pickled things.

You're fine, everything's fine.

We're gonna have some nice eggs

and I'm gonna cook for you

and it's all gonna be great.

( footsteps approaching )

There you go.

You're gonna eat this egg,
you're gonna love it.

The edges are crunchy and brown.

Good for you.
( groaning )

Hey, hey, hey, I don't
want to live here, so...

Why?

'Cause he's not done living here

and there's a toilet
in the kitchen and--

You...
So what?

You not cook the right way.

Yeah, he doesn't want the eggs.
What?

Just let's go, come on.

Oh, my God!

With the two of you!

You know what, Pateli?

Your wife died
a year ago, so your turn is up

in a statistical month.

And you, you're so afraid of
life that you're boring.

You know what?

You know what?

Thanks for the reminder, fellas.

( bleep ) men.

I'm outtie.

Hello?

This house was built in 1850
in the Federalist style,

as I'm sure you noticed.

This is the entrance foyer.

It's one of the few houses
on the road

to retain the
single-family layout.

This is just as it was when it
was built and then lived in,

first by a fabric merchant,

and then later, by a daughter
of Theodore Roosevelt

when he was police commissioner.

Actually, she died here.

It was only rented once to
a somewhat famous comedian,

Lenny Bruce.

This bathroom has a shower
that's also a steam room,

a heated toilet seat
and a claw-foot bathtub.

This could be
a bedroom for a child.

How many bedrooms are there?
Five.

So I could have my own room

and the kids could
each have their own room.

And you could have
a play room and an office.

What did you say
you do for a living?

I'm in show business.

Okay.

Here is the kitchen,
which, as you can see,

is full-service-- very modern
and yet tasteful.

And these beautiful glass doors

lead to a gorgeous garden.

This would be the ideal home

for a single father
and his children.

Your girls would be
very, very happy here,

even happier than they are
at their mother's house.

You would be their favorite

and no one could judge you

or say that you were anything

but a wonderful,
wonderful father.

Buying this house would
fix absolutely everything...

everything...

everything...

everything...

everything...

everything...

everything...

everything...

everything...

everything...

everything...

everything...

Yes, it would, yes, it would.

Yes, it would!

I'm sorry?

Uh, how much is the house?

The asking price is 17 million.

I'll take it.

Hey.
Hey.

Louie.
How's it going?

How are you, my man?
How are you?

Good to see you, Ken.

You don't stop up here too often.

What's-- what's up?

Just checking in.
Good.

I got some theater gigs
this month coming up,

so some good money rolling in.

Great, great.
A lot of good money coming in.

So what are you trying to buy?

What do you mean?

Whenever you tell me you
have good money coming in,

it's because you want to
buy something.

Yeah, I know.
So... what is it?

Well, okay.

My girls and I are--

We're still living in
the same place

as when I was married.
Right.

And I just-- I think
we need a fresh start.

Okay.

So you want to move.

Yeah, it's time and--
Good, good, good, good.

So have you started looking?

Well, so I found a place.
Great.

To rent?

It's to buy.
Louie.

I know.

Louie, we talked about this.

You can't afford to buy
anything right now.

You're still paying support.

I know, I just--

This place is perfect

and I know my girls would be
really happy there.

Look, I'm your accountant.

I can only tell you
what you can afford

and I think that you're gonna
have a very hard time

finding credit right now.

Dude.

Okay.

How much is it?

Look, it's a lot,
but--

How much?

It's-- For what it is,
it's really cheap.

Right.
Like, I couldn't believe--

When the lady told me how much
it was, I was blown away...

How much?
... by how little it is.

But it is-- it's a lot, though,
I'll acknowledge that.

I acknowledge--
Louie.

How much?

Okay, it's...

... seven...

... teen...

million.

$17 million.

So... I know it's a lot.

Um, Louie, do I really
need to say anything?

I mean...

Well, I had a good year,
you know, and I just--

When do I get
to step up, you know?

I just feel like--
come on, man.

Do I-- do I really need to
explain to you

why you can't buy
a $17 million house?

I just thought if--
maybe if I really bear down

and I don't spend, like,

you know, I don't spent
a lot on other stuff.

I could just change--
I think I could change--

Let's-- let's take a look
at the numbers.

Okay, totally, yes, yes.

So that's 17 million.

Mm-hmm.

So you have to
put down 3.4 million.

And you have to put that
down now, in cash.

And then your monthly payments

are gonna be 77,000,

plus maintenance and tax.

So basically, 80,000 a month,

plus the 3.4 million that
you're gonna plunk down

right now, okay?

Mm-hmm.
Okay.

So now let's compare that
to your current assets.

All right, currently,

in savings, you have $7,000.

7,000.

Yeah.

So, um... you have

less than ten times less

than one mortgage payment
on this house.

Well, let me-- Okay.

Louie, you're gonna have to...

If-- if-- I--

'Cause we haven't even--

I mean, if I was able to
get them to come down.

I'm just saying, what could
I afford right now?

Like, what could I buy
a house for right now?

Buy a house?

Right now?
Yeah.

Well...

I mean, right now,

you could buy a house
that costs $7,000.

You know, you should
find a nice rental.

I mean, isn't there...

What about--
what about Obama?

What-- what about it?

I mean...
what do you mean?

I have children, I have two kids,

and I should totally be
saving for them

and I'm totally not
saving for them at all.

It's really bad

how I'm not preparing
for their future

or even their near-present.

It's so irresponsible and unfair.

I know it's wrong,
but part of me feels like,

why should they get the money,
anyway?

They didn't do the shows,
why should they get the money?

Why should they get paid
for shit I did?

It doesn't really
make sense to me.

It doesn't make sense that
kids get your money

after you're gone.

It's like when
we used to let kings

take over for their fathers.

That's the craziest rule
that ever existed.

That if the king dies,
they let his kid be the king.

What are the odds that he's not
gonna be a piece of shit?

How do you let that...

That's one of the weirdest
things that we've ever done

as a race of people.

I mean all of us.

White people and--

I mean, there are
black kings, too.

Of African countries.

There's never been
a black king of England.

That's never gonna happen.

That is one color line
that's never gonna get--

Don't even hope, man.

It ain't gonna happen.

There's not gonna be
a black king of England.

I mean, after all that white

that's been pumped into their
blood for years,

they've just been this
kind of jizzy white color

for all these generations.

"Purpley"-- They're all--

Every British royal
looks like cock meat.

That's what their faces look
like, an Irish penis.

That's what they look like--

Someone took an Irishman's penis
and stretched it out

and drew a face
on it with Sharpie.

Just...

That's what they look like.

Hey.

I didn't see you today.

Yeah, I...

Oh.

I see.

You know, I don't just
have these places.

I could show you
some nice rentals.

Small, but okay.

No.

No, I'm buying this house.

I'm buying this house.