Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 10 - Halloween/Ellie - full transcript
Halloween is in the air and Louis and his kids go trick or treating. But when they go trick or treating, Louis and his kids meet some very bad people, in which Louis has to fend off to protect him and his kids.
I just think there's people that...
If your life, you know,
if it's good enough,
you should just shut up.
There's just some people that
complain when they don't...
they shouldn't.
I have two kids and I think
about them sometimes
and that... like, I got two
little white girls in my house.
That's a reality.
These are two little white girls.
On paper, they're doing awesome,
just by who they are
and where they are,
so when they complain,
it kinda drives me crazy,
because I know what the world is
like around them.
They have no idea.
I gave my daughter
medicine the other day.
She had a fever, so I gave her
Tylenol
and it's bubble-gum flavored,
so that she'll take it.
What kind of an
upside-down society is this?
Oh, how are we gonna
get these children
to take these miracle drugs?
We better add candy to it.
I gave her the bubble-gum medicine,
she goes, "Ew!"
I'm like, ( bleep ) you, ew!
Are you shitting me?
That's medicine!
Most kids in the world
don't have medicine,
they just don't have it.
When they get sick,
they just... they die on a rock
with a bear eating their face,
that's how most of
the world handles that.
No, he's got a sniffle,
ring the bear bell
and put him outside.
You're a white kid eating
bubble-gum medicine.
You're wearing clothes
made by children your age,
professionally.
Sorry.
Americans only buy things
that come from suffering.
They just enjoy it more
when they know someone's
getting hurt.
Try in here.
Hi.
Trick or treat!
Hi, trick or treat!
Oh, my God, they're so cute!
What are you?
I'm a fairy.
Oh, nice, a fairy,
have a candy, here.
Thank you.
And what are you?
Frederick Douglass.
She read a book
about Frederick Douglass.
Okay.
Thanks, girls.
Bye!
Bye, thank you! Thank you, bye-bye.
What are you doing?
I'm just taking one, come one.
Daddy, my beard itches.
Here you go.
All right, go on in there.
Trick or treat!
Trick or treat!
Ugh...
Guys, we gotta...
This is it.
We're late and it's time to go home.
Let's go home now, okay?
Aw, come on, Daddy.
Can we please stay out
a little longer?
I can't have you
out here in the dark.
But Mommy always lets us
trick-or-treat after dark
when it's her turn to
have us on Halloween.
Jane, I know that's not true.
No, it isn't.
Daddy!
What?
Can we please stay out
a little longer?
All right, let's hit
a few more stores.
Yay!
Yay!
Yes!
All right, come on.
Crazy.
Daddy, these people are scary.
Baby, they're just costumes,
let's just get home.
We'll be okay.
Thanks a lot, you asshole!
Girls, girls, it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
Listen, girls, let's just get home.
None of this is real, you understand?
None of it's real.
Let's get home and brush all
that sugar out of your teeth.
Come on, come on.
Let's go.
You know, someday
you girls are probably
gonna dress in scary costumes.
You know, when you're teenagers.
It's... it's like scary movies.
People like to scare each other.
Yeah, exactly.
It's just fun.
It's just fun, baby, that's right.
Halloween.
Right.
Daddy?
It's okay, don't worry about it.
Hi.
Daddy, why are we walking faster?
Hi!
Just, let's go.
It's all right.
It's okay.
What's wrong, Daddy?
It's just pre...
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
I think we lost 'em.
It's okay, come on.
We'll go to bed, we'll be fine.
Jesus.
We came around the corner
and scared you.
We scared you.
Daddy, this isn't pretend.
This is scary.
Oh, no, no, no, it is pretend.
These guys are pretending.
We are?
Yeah, you... you...
They're pretending and they're
gonna let us go, right?
They're just gonna let us go.
We're gonna let you go?
Let you go?
Well, what if we don't wanna?
Yeah, what if we don't...
what if we don't wanna?
What are you gonna do, Daddy?
Oh, girls, your daddy is brave.
He is brave.
He doesn't want to show it,
but he's scared inside.
He's... he's frozen, like...
he's frozen like a lollipop.
Come on, man, you don't wanna...
He's frozen.
You don't wanna hurt these kids.
You guys are better than that, right?
I mean, you...
Oh, no, no...
These are two little girls, you know?
I don't... I don't want to
hurt any kids,
you're right, I don't,
but... but Giant here, he's...
He's scary.
I think I'm about to do
something bad.
I think I'm about to
do something real bad
to these people.
Hey, stop it!
Being scary is not nice!
Halloween's for fun!
You're supposed to have a nice time,
dress up and get candy!
It's not nice to scare people.
And you shouldn't scare my
daddy, either!
Stop it right now!
Girls, go over there.
Daddy, don't!
Daddy, don't!
You okay?
What do we do now?
We're gonna wait for
the police to come,
we're gonna tell them what happened
and we're gonna pay for the window.
Whoa, Daddy, how did
you know to do that?
You were very brave.
I'm happy you're good, too.
Hey, hey, everybody?
Everyone?
Hi.
Hey there.
I want to thank
all of you for being here
for the round-table rewrite
of "Out of Here."
I'm Eddie Faye
and I wrote the script.
This is Jordan, who's directing.
We start principal
photog in about two weeks
and we're basically here to
try to inject some funny
back into the script,
which was sapped out by all
the notes and story fixes.
You're all here
because you're funny and you
were all willing to work
for the favored nation's 5,000 each
plus croissants and jelly.
Okay, page one.
"Interior: bedroom; morning.
"Angle on alarm clock,
it reads 6:59 a.m.
"It changes to 7:00
and the alarm goes off.
"It's a loud, annoying buzz.
"A hand appears from offscreen
"and fumbles to
slap down on the snooze bar,
"we follow up the arm and land
on its owner, Mike Bradsky,
"a cop in his 30s.
"Mike:'Ugh, not another
one of these.'
"As Mike rolls over on his
side to go back to sleep,
"his dog comes over
and starts licking his face.
Mike:'Come on, boy,
give me a break.'"
All right, anybody got anything
for page one?
I had instead of
"not another one of these,"
something like, "39 years of
shitty days,
22 years to go."
That's pretty good.
What if he says, like, what are...
You know, when his dog's
licking his face,
what if he says something
like, "Come on, you mutt"?
Or he's like, "What do I look
like, a Gaines-Burger?"
All right, um...
Do we really need another movie
with the alarm clock close-up
and the dog's licking the guy...
I mean, come on, everybody.
This is like every
bad cop movie I've ever seen.
It's just lazy.
Thank you.
Thank you for the teardown, Evan.
But folks are here so they
can add ideas,
so you got a better way to start?
Not really.
Just saying it's lame.
Okay.
Page two.
What if the dog stops the alarm?
That's not bad.
How does he wake up?
I don't know, maybe he doesn't.
I mean, like, if you see
the dog's paw
hits the alarm clock
and then... then you see his
face and he's sleeping.
And then you go back to the
clock and then time goes by
and it's now like 11:00,
and then the guy wakes up
and smiling,
'cause he has no idea how late it is.
That's funny.
He's like, why do I feel so good?
Then he realizes what time
it is, he screams,
he jumps out of bed, except he
forgets he sleeps in a loft bed
and he falls down the stairs.
Yeah, yeah, now,
maybe this is too much,
but at the bottom of the stairs,
maybe he's knocked out cold, right?
And he lays there sleeping
even longer.
Maybe that's where
the dog licks his face.
And now he wakes up again
and he's even later.
We could do, like, an action montage
of him rushing to the station,
he puts on siren,
you know, big chase,
chase, chase, chase, chase.
People run out of way because
he's late for work, maybe.
What if, like,
he's in his car, right?
And he drives into a truck or
whatever, and he's like,
"I'm getting too old for this shit."
You've got to be kidding me.
Not like... not we're, like,
we're actually saying that line,
it's like a joke on the fact
that we're using...
it's like we're making fun
of the fact of how lame it is.
You could keep bringing this dog back
and the dog could keep
screwing up this guy's life
and he's not even aware of it.
That's funny.
But it changes our whole opening.
I mean, that's a lot to produce.
Go ahead and write it, Eddie.
We'll find the money.
Okay.
So...
what happens after he wakes up?
So do you have, like, a method
for coming up with a good joke?
I don't know what to tell you, kid,
I let the jokes come to me.
Hey, man, nice job.
Hey, thank you.
Thanks.
Good work.
Thank you.
Funny stuff, guy.
Thanks, thanks.
Hi, I'm Ellie.
Hi, I'm Louie.
You're a comedian.
Yeah.
Can I buy you lunch?
You know what?
I gotta pick up my kids at school,
so it's not the best time, but...
Well, get a sitter.
This is your future, honey.
Hey, Ellie.
What's up?
Did you read my script?
No, of course not.
It's only your job!
Let's go.
Okay.
Hi, Ms. Bormer.
Hey, Harry.
Lunch for two?
Yeah.
So first of all,
do you know who I am?
Uh, no, not really.
I mean, your name is Ellie
and you're a producer or...
I'm a vice president at
Paramount Pictures.
Oh.
Yeah.
I have a discretionary budget
and I can green-light.
Do you know what that means?
Yes, I...
Are you interested in making movies?
Yes.
Yes?
Uh, yes, I... I am.
Okay.
Let's get started.
Okay.
Listen, I am a person...
who knows when someone can do things.
I know talent when I see it
and I need you to know
that when I find someone,
I don't mess around.
Louie...
are you ready?
Because after today,
nothing is going to ever
be the same again.
I bet you've got 50 movie ideas
sitting in that brain.
Yeah, I have ideas.
Let's make all of them.
Okay.
Tell me the best one now.
Yeah?
All right, well...
well, you know how movies,
there's always a guy
and his life is, you know, okay?
And then something happens,
like a conflict
and he has to resolve it,
and then his life gets better?
Well, I always wanted to make a movie
where a guy's life is really bad
and then something
happens and it makes it worse
but instead of resolving it,
he just makes bad choices
and then it goes
from worse to really bad,
and... and things just keep
happening to him
and he keeps doing dumb things,
so his life just gets worse and worse
and, like, darker and...
Like... like he has... lives in
a little one-room apartment,
he's not a very good-looking guy,
he has no friends and he lives...
he works in, like,
a factory, where they...
like a sewage-disposal plant,
and then he gets fired,
so now he doesn't even have his
job at the shit factory anymore
and he's... and he's going broke
and he takes, like,
a trip and it rains,
like, just stuff, just shit
keeps... horrible.
But then he meets a girl
and she's beautiful
and he falls in love,
so you think that's gonna be
the thing, the happy thing,
but then she turns out to
be a crook and she robs him,
she takes his wallet,
and now he's, like, stuck
in the middle of nowhere
and he's got no wallet
and no credit cards.
Like what do you do?
How do you even get home or...
Doesn't he have a cell phone?
Well...
Yeah, I mean,
I came up with this before
cell phones were really...
You know what,
Louie, this is amazing.
I just... I just need to go
say hello to some people
who just walked in.
Give me a second, okay, hon?
Okay.
Oh.
When I was... when
I graduated high school,
all my friends went to college
and I didn't.
I was a very bad
student and there was...
No, I could have got into
some college,
but why keep failing?
Why just keep being in trouble
all the time
and doing things badly?
So I just figured, I'll just go
work and do things.
So... I moved in with my only friend,
who I wasn't very good friends with,
but he also didn't go to college,
so we got an apartment in Boston,
and so we're both 18 years old
living in downtown Boston
and we lived in one room,
we slept in the same room,
this little tiny studio apartment,
and so one time, he started
making jokes about jerking off.
He's like, "Do you
jerk off a lot, y'know?
Do you want me to leave the room
so you can jerk off?"
Like, he kept saying that.
"Hey, man, if you need me to
leave so you can jerk off,
I'll do that," or whatever.
And I was like, "Well, hey, what
about when you would jerk off?"
And he goes,
"I don't... I don't do that."
And I was like, "What?"
And he goes, "I never have done it."
And I was like, "Are you serious?"
I was blown away by this.
He said, "I've never done it."
He's goes, "I kinda wish I could,
"but I just can't
bring myself to do it.
"It's just too weird, like,
I get weirded out.
I've never done it."
And I was like, "Really?"
And he said,
"Yeah, I never jerked off."
And he told me that, and I...
That stuck in me for years
because I thought, there's
folks that cannot do it,
because, to me,
this shit is just a plague.
I'll never escape this shit.
There's moments I've done this
that I really
would like to take back,
but I had... it's just, you know...
Sometimes, I'm all packed,
ready, I got bags...
And I go, "Uh, I gotta
sit down and jerk off
before I leave the house."
There's... it's just a constant...
insulin injection that I need to get.
And I really hate it.
I'd love to never have to
jerk off, and this...
And I've always thought, I'm...
there's something wrong with me,
'cause there is a dude
who was pretty normal
who just said, "I don't do it."
Anyway, I ran into him
about two years ago,
and he said to me,
"Remember when I... when we
talked about jerking off?"
And I said, "Yes!"
And... he said,
"I don't know why
I was, like, ashamed to
talk about it with you, but I
was jerking off constantly."
He said, "I've been jerking off
since I was 11
"and when we lived together,
"I used to go in the bathroom
and jack off all the time
and I was afraid to tell you."
And I was like, if I could...
if I could murder one person,
it would be you.
If I could kill one guy,
it would be you, you piece of shit!
When I was about
six years old, maybe,
I stayed home from school one day.
I had a single mom and she worked,
so when I stayed home from school,
I just got to be alone in my house,
and so one day I was
alone in my house watching TV...
I think I was about six years
old, maybe seven,
and I went and got my pillow
from my bed and I sat on it
and I farted into it,
and then I decided...
I was sick in my stomach,
so I was like, I'm just gonna
fart into this pillow
for as... just all day.
I mean, I just kt
farting into that pillow,
just over and over again,
like, at least more than 200 times,
just for hours,
and then I told myself,
I'm gonna smell this now
because I've been farting into
it all day.
And I just... I had
the pillow and I just said,
I'm just gonna go all at once
and I just shoved it in my face
and I went...
And...
I have never had an experience
like that again in my life.
I really feel like
I overstimulated myself
at six years old because it,
like, jaded me for
every other thing
that's ever happened.
I watched a bum eat a rat
and I was like, "So...
I smelled 200 farts when I was six."
If your life, you know,
if it's good enough,
you should just shut up.
There's just some people that
complain when they don't...
they shouldn't.
I have two kids and I think
about them sometimes
and that... like, I got two
little white girls in my house.
That's a reality.
These are two little white girls.
On paper, they're doing awesome,
just by who they are
and where they are,
so when they complain,
it kinda drives me crazy,
because I know what the world is
like around them.
They have no idea.
I gave my daughter
medicine the other day.
She had a fever, so I gave her
Tylenol
and it's bubble-gum flavored,
so that she'll take it.
What kind of an
upside-down society is this?
Oh, how are we gonna
get these children
to take these miracle drugs?
We better add candy to it.
I gave her the bubble-gum medicine,
she goes, "Ew!"
I'm like, ( bleep ) you, ew!
Are you shitting me?
That's medicine!
Most kids in the world
don't have medicine,
they just don't have it.
When they get sick,
they just... they die on a rock
with a bear eating their face,
that's how most of
the world handles that.
No, he's got a sniffle,
ring the bear bell
and put him outside.
You're a white kid eating
bubble-gum medicine.
You're wearing clothes
made by children your age,
professionally.
Sorry.
Americans only buy things
that come from suffering.
They just enjoy it more
when they know someone's
getting hurt.
Try in here.
Hi.
Trick or treat!
Hi, trick or treat!
Oh, my God, they're so cute!
What are you?
I'm a fairy.
Oh, nice, a fairy,
have a candy, here.
Thank you.
And what are you?
Frederick Douglass.
She read a book
about Frederick Douglass.
Okay.
Thanks, girls.
Bye!
Bye, thank you! Thank you, bye-bye.
What are you doing?
I'm just taking one, come one.
Daddy, my beard itches.
Here you go.
All right, go on in there.
Trick or treat!
Trick or treat!
Ugh...
Guys, we gotta...
This is it.
We're late and it's time to go home.
Let's go home now, okay?
Aw, come on, Daddy.
Can we please stay out
a little longer?
I can't have you
out here in the dark.
But Mommy always lets us
trick-or-treat after dark
when it's her turn to
have us on Halloween.
Jane, I know that's not true.
No, it isn't.
Daddy!
What?
Can we please stay out
a little longer?
All right, let's hit
a few more stores.
Yay!
Yay!
Yes!
All right, come on.
Crazy.
Daddy, these people are scary.
Baby, they're just costumes,
let's just get home.
We'll be okay.
Thanks a lot, you asshole!
Girls, girls, it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
Listen, girls, let's just get home.
None of this is real, you understand?
None of it's real.
Let's get home and brush all
that sugar out of your teeth.
Come on, come on.
Let's go.
You know, someday
you girls are probably
gonna dress in scary costumes.
You know, when you're teenagers.
It's... it's like scary movies.
People like to scare each other.
Yeah, exactly.
It's just fun.
It's just fun, baby, that's right.
Halloween.
Right.
Daddy?
It's okay, don't worry about it.
Hi.
Daddy, why are we walking faster?
Hi!
Just, let's go.
It's all right.
It's okay.
What's wrong, Daddy?
It's just pre...
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
I think we lost 'em.
It's okay, come on.
We'll go to bed, we'll be fine.
Jesus.
We came around the corner
and scared you.
We scared you.
Daddy, this isn't pretend.
This is scary.
Oh, no, no, no, it is pretend.
These guys are pretending.
We are?
Yeah, you... you...
They're pretending and they're
gonna let us go, right?
They're just gonna let us go.
We're gonna let you go?
Let you go?
Well, what if we don't wanna?
Yeah, what if we don't...
what if we don't wanna?
What are you gonna do, Daddy?
Oh, girls, your daddy is brave.
He is brave.
He doesn't want to show it,
but he's scared inside.
He's... he's frozen, like...
he's frozen like a lollipop.
Come on, man, you don't wanna...
He's frozen.
You don't wanna hurt these kids.
You guys are better than that, right?
I mean, you...
Oh, no, no...
These are two little girls, you know?
I don't... I don't want to
hurt any kids,
you're right, I don't,
but... but Giant here, he's...
He's scary.
I think I'm about to do
something bad.
I think I'm about to
do something real bad
to these people.
Hey, stop it!
Being scary is not nice!
Halloween's for fun!
You're supposed to have a nice time,
dress up and get candy!
It's not nice to scare people.
And you shouldn't scare my
daddy, either!
Stop it right now!
Girls, go over there.
Daddy, don't!
Daddy, don't!
You okay?
What do we do now?
We're gonna wait for
the police to come,
we're gonna tell them what happened
and we're gonna pay for the window.
Whoa, Daddy, how did
you know to do that?
You were very brave.
I'm happy you're good, too.
Hey, hey, everybody?
Everyone?
Hi.
Hey there.
I want to thank
all of you for being here
for the round-table rewrite
of "Out of Here."
I'm Eddie Faye
and I wrote the script.
This is Jordan, who's directing.
We start principal
photog in about two weeks
and we're basically here to
try to inject some funny
back into the script,
which was sapped out by all
the notes and story fixes.
You're all here
because you're funny and you
were all willing to work
for the favored nation's 5,000 each
plus croissants and jelly.
Okay, page one.
"Interior: bedroom; morning.
"Angle on alarm clock,
it reads 6:59 a.m.
"It changes to 7:00
and the alarm goes off.
"It's a loud, annoying buzz.
"A hand appears from offscreen
"and fumbles to
slap down on the snooze bar,
"we follow up the arm and land
on its owner, Mike Bradsky,
"a cop in his 30s.
"Mike:'Ugh, not another
one of these.'
"As Mike rolls over on his
side to go back to sleep,
"his dog comes over
and starts licking his face.
Mike:'Come on, boy,
give me a break.'"
All right, anybody got anything
for page one?
I had instead of
"not another one of these,"
something like, "39 years of
shitty days,
22 years to go."
That's pretty good.
What if he says, like, what are...
You know, when his dog's
licking his face,
what if he says something
like, "Come on, you mutt"?
Or he's like, "What do I look
like, a Gaines-Burger?"
All right, um...
Do we really need another movie
with the alarm clock close-up
and the dog's licking the guy...
I mean, come on, everybody.
This is like every
bad cop movie I've ever seen.
It's just lazy.
Thank you.
Thank you for the teardown, Evan.
But folks are here so they
can add ideas,
so you got a better way to start?
Not really.
Just saying it's lame.
Okay.
Page two.
What if the dog stops the alarm?
That's not bad.
How does he wake up?
I don't know, maybe he doesn't.
I mean, like, if you see
the dog's paw
hits the alarm clock
and then... then you see his
face and he's sleeping.
And then you go back to the
clock and then time goes by
and it's now like 11:00,
and then the guy wakes up
and smiling,
'cause he has no idea how late it is.
That's funny.
He's like, why do I feel so good?
Then he realizes what time
it is, he screams,
he jumps out of bed, except he
forgets he sleeps in a loft bed
and he falls down the stairs.
Yeah, yeah, now,
maybe this is too much,
but at the bottom of the stairs,
maybe he's knocked out cold, right?
And he lays there sleeping
even longer.
Maybe that's where
the dog licks his face.
And now he wakes up again
and he's even later.
We could do, like, an action montage
of him rushing to the station,
he puts on siren,
you know, big chase,
chase, chase, chase, chase.
People run out of way because
he's late for work, maybe.
What if, like,
he's in his car, right?
And he drives into a truck or
whatever, and he's like,
"I'm getting too old for this shit."
You've got to be kidding me.
Not like... not we're, like,
we're actually saying that line,
it's like a joke on the fact
that we're using...
it's like we're making fun
of the fact of how lame it is.
You could keep bringing this dog back
and the dog could keep
screwing up this guy's life
and he's not even aware of it.
That's funny.
But it changes our whole opening.
I mean, that's a lot to produce.
Go ahead and write it, Eddie.
We'll find the money.
Okay.
So...
what happens after he wakes up?
So do you have, like, a method
for coming up with a good joke?
I don't know what to tell you, kid,
I let the jokes come to me.
Hey, man, nice job.
Hey, thank you.
Thanks.
Good work.
Thank you.
Funny stuff, guy.
Thanks, thanks.
Hi, I'm Ellie.
Hi, I'm Louie.
You're a comedian.
Yeah.
Can I buy you lunch?
You know what?
I gotta pick up my kids at school,
so it's not the best time, but...
Well, get a sitter.
This is your future, honey.
Hey, Ellie.
What's up?
Did you read my script?
No, of course not.
It's only your job!
Let's go.
Okay.
Hi, Ms. Bormer.
Hey, Harry.
Lunch for two?
Yeah.
So first of all,
do you know who I am?
Uh, no, not really.
I mean, your name is Ellie
and you're a producer or...
I'm a vice president at
Paramount Pictures.
Oh.
Yeah.
I have a discretionary budget
and I can green-light.
Do you know what that means?
Yes, I...
Are you interested in making movies?
Yes.
Yes?
Uh, yes, I... I am.
Okay.
Let's get started.
Okay.
Listen, I am a person...
who knows when someone can do things.
I know talent when I see it
and I need you to know
that when I find someone,
I don't mess around.
Louie...
are you ready?
Because after today,
nothing is going to ever
be the same again.
I bet you've got 50 movie ideas
sitting in that brain.
Yeah, I have ideas.
Let's make all of them.
Okay.
Tell me the best one now.
Yeah?
All right, well...
well, you know how movies,
there's always a guy
and his life is, you know, okay?
And then something happens,
like a conflict
and he has to resolve it,
and then his life gets better?
Well, I always wanted to make a movie
where a guy's life is really bad
and then something
happens and it makes it worse
but instead of resolving it,
he just makes bad choices
and then it goes
from worse to really bad,
and... and things just keep
happening to him
and he keeps doing dumb things,
so his life just gets worse and worse
and, like, darker and...
Like... like he has... lives in
a little one-room apartment,
he's not a very good-looking guy,
he has no friends and he lives...
he works in, like,
a factory, where they...
like a sewage-disposal plant,
and then he gets fired,
so now he doesn't even have his
job at the shit factory anymore
and he's... and he's going broke
and he takes, like,
a trip and it rains,
like, just stuff, just shit
keeps... horrible.
But then he meets a girl
and she's beautiful
and he falls in love,
so you think that's gonna be
the thing, the happy thing,
but then she turns out to
be a crook and she robs him,
she takes his wallet,
and now he's, like, stuck
in the middle of nowhere
and he's got no wallet
and no credit cards.
Like what do you do?
How do you even get home or...
Doesn't he have a cell phone?
Well...
Yeah, I mean,
I came up with this before
cell phones were really...
You know what,
Louie, this is amazing.
I just... I just need to go
say hello to some people
who just walked in.
Give me a second, okay, hon?
Okay.
Oh.
When I was... when
I graduated high school,
all my friends went to college
and I didn't.
I was a very bad
student and there was...
No, I could have got into
some college,
but why keep failing?
Why just keep being in trouble
all the time
and doing things badly?
So I just figured, I'll just go
work and do things.
So... I moved in with my only friend,
who I wasn't very good friends with,
but he also didn't go to college,
so we got an apartment in Boston,
and so we're both 18 years old
living in downtown Boston
and we lived in one room,
we slept in the same room,
this little tiny studio apartment,
and so one time, he started
making jokes about jerking off.
He's like, "Do you
jerk off a lot, y'know?
Do you want me to leave the room
so you can jerk off?"
Like, he kept saying that.
"Hey, man, if you need me to
leave so you can jerk off,
I'll do that," or whatever.
And I was like, "Well, hey, what
about when you would jerk off?"
And he goes,
"I don't... I don't do that."
And I was like, "What?"
And he goes, "I never have done it."
And I was like, "Are you serious?"
I was blown away by this.
He said, "I've never done it."
He's goes, "I kinda wish I could,
"but I just can't
bring myself to do it.
"It's just too weird, like,
I get weirded out.
I've never done it."
And I was like, "Really?"
And he said,
"Yeah, I never jerked off."
And he told me that, and I...
That stuck in me for years
because I thought, there's
folks that cannot do it,
because, to me,
this shit is just a plague.
I'll never escape this shit.
There's moments I've done this
that I really
would like to take back,
but I had... it's just, you know...
Sometimes, I'm all packed,
ready, I got bags...
And I go, "Uh, I gotta
sit down and jerk off
before I leave the house."
There's... it's just a constant...
insulin injection that I need to get.
And I really hate it.
I'd love to never have to
jerk off, and this...
And I've always thought, I'm...
there's something wrong with me,
'cause there is a dude
who was pretty normal
who just said, "I don't do it."
Anyway, I ran into him
about two years ago,
and he said to me,
"Remember when I... when we
talked about jerking off?"
And I said, "Yes!"
And... he said,
"I don't know why
I was, like, ashamed to
talk about it with you, but I
was jerking off constantly."
He said, "I've been jerking off
since I was 11
"and when we lived together,
"I used to go in the bathroom
and jack off all the time
and I was afraid to tell you."
And I was like, if I could...
if I could murder one person,
it would be you.
If I could kill one guy,
it would be you, you piece of shit!
When I was about
six years old, maybe,
I stayed home from school one day.
I had a single mom and she worked,
so when I stayed home from school,
I just got to be alone in my house,
and so one day I was
alone in my house watching TV...
I think I was about six years
old, maybe seven,
and I went and got my pillow
from my bed and I sat on it
and I farted into it,
and then I decided...
I was sick in my stomach,
so I was like, I'm just gonna
fart into this pillow
for as... just all day.
I mean, I just kt
farting into that pillow,
just over and over again,
like, at least more than 200 times,
just for hours,
and then I told myself,
I'm gonna smell this now
because I've been farting into
it all day.
And I just... I had
the pillow and I just said,
I'm just gonna go all at once
and I just shoved it in my face
and I went...
And...
I have never had an experience
like that again in my life.
I really feel like
I overstimulated myself
at six years old because it,
like, jaded me for
every other thing
that's ever happened.
I watched a bum eat a rat
and I was like, "So...
I smelled 200 farts when I was six."