Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 9 - Eddie - full transcript
Louie reunites with an old friend.
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
I mean, sometimes you see
a person on the street
who's in a state of life
that you couldn't imagine
having the courage to live.
You ever seen somebody...
you ever seen a person
and you look at them and you go,
"That-- I would just kill myself
if I woke up like that"?
I would just kill myself.
I don't have the courage.
And it's a comment on me,
not them.
I couldn't live like that.
I get to go like this,
and if I had to go like this,
I'd blow my brains out.
I can't do it.
I have only the courage
for a perfect life.
I really do.
Anything below perfect,
I ain't doing it.
I ain't being
one of those guys.
I don't even want to be cold
in the winter.
You know when you see somebody,
they just have a flannel shirt
without a jacket,
and they're just being cold and
their face is purple in spots.
Couldn't do it.
I saw an old lady
I couldn't be.
I was walking behind this lady.
That is a weird sentence.
"I saw an old lady
that I couldn't be."
I was walking behind her
and she had just
a spine that was
just dog shit.
Her spine sucked ass.
I'm saying this in--
Like, as her friend.
Her spine...
sucked dick.
Just-- She was
just one of these people
and she's walking in front of me
like this
and she had a collar on
her shirt that was very high,
and so I couldn't even
see her head.
She had--
Looked like she had no head.
She was like this with
no head and I remember--
First thing I thought was,
her doctor's an asshole,
because he could have told her!
He could have said to her,
"Listen, just so you know,
"now that you're like this,
"if you wear a high collar...
"... it's spooky for people
behind you.
"It's spooky from the back...
"sad from the front
and kind of
funny from the side."
Anyway, thanks a lot,
good night.
Thank you very much.
Louie C.K.!
Holy shit!
How are you, man?
How's it going?
Oh, my God!
Eddie!
How are you?
I haven't seen you in-- Jesus Christ!
Oh, it's years.
It's been years.
Oh, my God.
You're doing good, man.
You're a big star now.
Oh, not really.
Bullshit, I see you on TV.
You know, when I can afford
a motel room.
I thought you'd
forget about me.
How am I gonna
forget about you, man?
Hey, man, pretty funny stuff.
Thanks.
I'm Louie.
I'm Eddie.
Just starting out, too.
It's good to see you, man.
This is--
Gregg Rogell,
this is Eddie Mack,
he's a comic, he's a friend,
we started out together.
Oh, cool, nice to meet you, Eddie.
What's up?
Where do you work out of, LA?
Oh, yeah, because if it's
not here, it has to be LA.
You know, there's a whole
middle of the country.
You know,
the sewers of America,
that's where I work,
y'know, places that you
wouldn't be welcome,
phony New York piece of shit.
Hey, man, watch your mouth.
Oh, I'm sorry,
did I offend you?
Hey...
You started out with this guy?
Yeah.
Yeah, we started out
back in the days
when people went
on stage to be funny,
and then he came here
to have a career
with dildos like you
and I worked the road,
working shit holes for
drug money, like real comics.
Oh, I get it, so you're a road head?
Yeah, yeah, and I'm really proud of it.
Unfunny.
Okay, well, it was nice
talking to you, loser.
Come on.
Let's get a drink, man, come upstairs.
I can't, I can't, I'm double-parked.
Where you--
Where you going?
I can't afford to stop
in this city.
It's 50 bucks
an hour to exist here.
I'm on my way to Maine,
I just wanted to stop in
and say hello.
What are you doing?
Do you want a-- do you want a ride?
Yeah.
I wanted to talk to you
for a while, if you have--
Okay, yeah,
absolutely, come on, man.
Let's go.
I'll give you a ride home.
Tiger Woods claims to be
addicted to sex.
Bullshit.
These are hot women he was
having sex with.
If he was having
sex with a dead chicken,
then I'd say, "Wow, that guy
is addicted to sex."
Boy, you're really
living out of this car.
Yeah, I've been sleeping
in it for over a year.
Got everything.
I'm set up.
Got a sleeping bag,
hot plate, box of porn,
old-school magazine porn.
Gas station porn.
You might not
want to touch that.
So you're doing a gig in Maine?
Yeah, you want to open for me?
It's a sports bar
in Bangor for 200 bucks,
then I'm done.
What, you're getting off
the road for a while?
No, I mean, I'm done.
Done and done.
I'm gonna hit this
liquor store up here.
I would like to die
from... you.
And you're drinking this with me, too.
I don't know, man.
Yes, you are.
No.
You remember how we
used to get hammered.
Yes, I remember.
Man, you ate it
up there tonight.
Yeah, I know I suck, man.
You don't suck.
They suck!
Don't...
don't let other people
tell you what you are, man.
Don't do that.
You're good.
You're funny!
Oh, Jesus, drink with me,
I'm serious.
You're not gonna see me
again after this, believe me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You gotta pay for that, mister.
Yeah, I'm paying
for it there, relax.
Pinch it off, lady bird.
Can I enjoy it for ten seconds
before I own it?
You can't drink in here,
it's not a bar.
Why don't you shut your hummus
hole there, curry monkey?
I'm gonna pay for it. What the ( bleep
) are you talking about, curry monkey?
You no soy--
Yo no soy árabe.
¿ Qué clase de mierda es esto?
What is that, Spanish?
What are you saying--
Oye.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.
Are you saying that Spanish
people don't eat hummus?
Are you saying Spanish people
don't like Middle Eastern food?
Oye, oye, p'al carajo, get out of here.
Oye, chico.
You keep the change.
Yo no soy árabe, sal p'al-- Sal p'al carajo.
I'll keep the change, I'll keep your change.
Y llévate--
Y vete pa' allá.
Yeah, you and your friend,
pa' fuera, maricón.
Yeah, I know what that means.
Pa' fuera.
I'll find out what
that means Llévatelo.
And I'm gonna come back
to your bar.
I'm gonna slander your bar
on the Internet. Very sorry.
One star for your bar, this bar sucks!
Mierda, mierda, mierda.
Let's go, man.
I'm on Facebook!
Aquí, si, pa' fuera, pa' fuera.
You almost look like
you're having fun.
Wah!
Jesus Christ.
Let's do a set somewhere.
You wanna go on stage?
Yeah, hang on.
Let's find a gig.
Let's find a gig.
We could do Caroline's,
the midnight show.
We're not doing a comedy club.
Comedy clubs, that's
where comedy goes to die.
Let's do an open mic.
Uh...
Like we used to, have some fun.
Yeah... right there.
That's tonight.
That's in Brooklyn.
And I have a car.
Wah, come on.
Jesus, man, come on.
Give me this, give me this.
I'm driving.
All right, okay.
Brooklyn.
That's the bridge, that's the bridge.
There you go.
I called my ex-wife, right,
and told her what happened,
you know, that I didn't want to
be alone tonight.
And she was like,
"Things are different, okay?
You want to be with me,
it's gonna cost you $200."
And I was like, wow, things are
different, man.
I remember when
she used to charge me 60,
which is a problem, man,
'cause, you know,
every woman wants to
have a man in here life,
you know what I mean?
But not a fat one.
It's not like when I walk by,
you hear women going...
"Oye, mira, papi.
"Coño.
Teniqua,
did you see that guy ?"
"I sure did and let me tell you
something,
"if I had him in my bed,
"I'd suck his cholesterol level
back to normal,
you know what
I'm saying ?"
This is open mic.
Smell the desperation.
Loserdom.
Like, a girl could do
something seemingly gay
and it'll be okay if she does it
with another woman,
but if I suggest
I want to suck my friend's dick
because he's stressed,
I can't suck his dick.
Well, I'm immigrant from Russia
and America
experiencing hard times now,
how to survive and
this and that...
I'm telling you, you're really
making me feel good, like...
like I felt when they
finally took that head rag
off Aunt Jemima on
the pancake box.
I feel good, I feel good.
Yeah.
You seriously want to
go on stage here?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, you're Louie C.K. Yeah.
You're famous in this dump.
Do you want to go up?
No, but can you
put my friend on?
He's funny, he's a comic.
I'll go up.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
What's your name?
It's Shitty Fat Tits.
Write that down.
Yeah, sure.
I'm gonna go now,
but I'll be in the back
so we can exchange...
Don't ( bleep ) up my intro.
Up next, we got a very special
guest, doing a guest spot.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Shitty Fat Tits.
Oh, no, thank you,
thank you very much.
No, seriously, thank you,
thank you.
Your host,
ladies and gentlemen.
Please, give it up.
He should.
Anyway, do you know
how much stupid stuff we do
just to get pussy?
Sex is just so absolutely
boring.
It's such a one-note thing
and it drives so many people
to do so many ridiculous...
So many problems--
Sex is like--
It's not even like--
It's gross.
If you just break it down to
what it is,
if you're not in
the mood for it and you just--
It's disgusting.
Do you ever watch porno
after you come?
Ugh.
I get a boner, it springs up
on me randomly,
I treat it like
the medical condition that it is
and I drain it like a cyst,
quickly.
Drain this off!
No, just squeeze it off!
30-second MPEG.
And if you use YouPorn,
be careful,
'cause they track
what you beat off to.
It's a--
Go up to the top of YouPorn next
time you're on YouPorn
and click on
"recommended for you."
They track what you beat off to,
it's like Amazon.
"People who beat off
to this also beat off to
this, this and that."
And a lot of that stuff
you're not into.
How is, y'know,
cock and ball torture
equivalent to peeing on me?
I don't want you to pee on me.
That's gross.
No idea what
I'm doing with my life.
I can't believe you didn't go on, man.
Man, you were great.
Eat my ass.
You were hilarious.
Stop it.
You know, I give you shit,
but you know
I'm proud of you, right?
You came out here
and you gave it a shot
and now it's working for you.
I've always been proud of you.
Hey, man.
What's up?
I got some news.
I'm gonna be on Letterman.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I just got the call.
All right, well, whatever.
What?
What?
Good, go do Letterman.
What's your problem?
I just thought we do this shit
to get off and find truth,
not to become
famous glamour monkeys.
Hey, man--
Whatever, dude.
Go be a star.
Are you drinking water?
Is that for your health?
Keep your skin tight for
the camera close-ups?
You're making fun of water
right now, okay. Yes.
It's a basic life sustenance
and you're making fun of it.
Yeah, so what's your point?
Well, when you find yourself
railing against water,
you know, get a grip, man.
Jesus Christ.
Goddamn it, this city
is a dumparoo.
I bet you never come out
here, do you, Brooklyn?
You just stay holed up
in faggy Manhattan.
I used to live here, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, I lived in a five-floor
walk-up for two years
with my ex-wife.
The Twin Towers were right
there across the river. Oh.
She was six months
pregnant with Lily
and we stood there
and we watched them burn.
You just stood there
and watched them burn?
You didn't try to help?
Rush in?
Try to blow it out?
Nothing?
Come on, help our
3,000 brothers out, man.
Just stand there and watch
'em burn
with your fattened wife
who you later abandoned.
So what's up, man?
Uh... okay, look.
I know I burned
our bridge, you know,
we're old friends and all that,
hooray.
But I got no bridges left.
I burned all the bridges,
I burned the roads,
I burned the trails,
I burned the hiking path.
It's all gone.
So what do you need?
I don't need anything.
I just want to talk to you.
I want to tell you something.
Okay.
Do ya, okay?
Yeah, I'm listening.
Go ahead. All right, look,
man, I'm cashing in.
I'm done.
I'm 40 shit years old,
I got nothing, I got nobody.
And I don't want anything,
I don't want anybody,
and that's the worst part,
when the want goes.
That's-- That's bad.
I mean, like suffering
is one thing
or not having is one thing
but when you just
don't care anymore?
You know, I've gone soft
in the last three pussies
I've been in.
You get to
a point where you go,
maybe it's time to just
put a period
at the end of my--
Whatever this was.
So you're gonna quit comedy?
How dense are you?
Comedy?
Who gives a shit
about comedy, man?
Well, then, what are you talking about?
My life!
I'm going to end it.
I went to a doctor--
Listen to me.
I went to a doctor,
and I'm just trying to
get a scrip for Ambien,
and I'm--
I'm bullshitting the guy,
the whole fear
of flying nonsense,
like I've ever been on
a plane in my career,
and the doctor gets this
look on his face like he knows,
like he's gonna chuck me
out of the office.
All of a sudden...
he gives me these.
It's "phenomedrine."
What is it?
He tells me, only take
one of these a week.
It's like the strongest,
most dangerous shit
this side of Bangkok.
He tells me,
"Do not take more than one.
Two of these'll
stop your heart."
A doctor gave you those?
Yeah, it made no sense at first.
I mean, look at me.
You take one look at me,
you're gonna give me these
with a verbal warning?
Why would he do that?
Because he took one look at me
and he realized
that's the only prescription
that's gonna improve my life,
is death.
Jesus Christ, Eddie.
No, the guy's right.
The guy probably
deserves a Nobel Prize
and I don't need
a second opinion.
I'm going to Maine,
I'm gonna do my show,
get a lobster roll, maybe,
get a motel room
and then throw three of these
things down my head
with some cognac.
Why are you here
telling me this right now?
You know...
I don't know.
I guess I just wanted to
say goodbye to someone.
You know, if I leave a note,
it's just gonna get
burned with my clothes,
so I figured you for the one
guy that
I could say adios to.
Eddie, this is bullshit.
You can't kill yourself.
Oh, yes, I can.
I have a note from a doctor.
I don't give a shit what that
guy said, you can't do that.
And why can't I do that?
Because!
Louie, look me in the eye
and tell me I have
one good reason to live.
No.
See, you got nothing.
No, no, I'm not--
I'm not playing that,
I'm not doing it.
What do you mean?
I mean...
I mean, ( bleep ) you, man.
I got my reasons to live,
I worked hard to
figure out what they are.
I'm not just handing them
to you.
Okay, you want
a reason to live?
Have a drink of water
and get some sleep,
wake up in the morning and try
again like everybody else does.
Yeah, I get it,
a tough-love fix--
No, no love, okay?
More like tough--
Not giving a shit anymore,
Eddie.
If you want to--
If you want to tap out
'Cause your life
is shit--
You know what?
It's not your life, it's life.
It's-- Life
is bigger than you,
if you can imagine that.
Life isn't something
that you possess.
It's something
that you take part in
and you witness.
You are--
You are so excited right now
that you get to give
the big speech.
You would love to be
the guy that talks this loser,
who you never think about,
out of suicide
so you could feel
better about yourself.
This is not about you, Louie.
It's just me saying goodbye.
It was nice to know you
when I knew you.
No, you're laying this shit
on me because--
She's not welcome in my house.
How do you not want me to let her in the house?
I don't like her when she's in there.
She's the mother of my kids.
I don't care, she's not the mother of my kids!
Oh, come on, man, this is ridiculous!
Whenever she needs...
Listen, man, I...
I haven't seen you in 20 years.
And you're right,
I don't think much about you.
I hope you don't...
kill yourself.
I really do.
But I gotta go home.
All right.
I gotta pick up my kids
in the morning.
Okay, man.
All right, man.
I'm gonna take the subway, okay?
All right.
Thanks, buddy.
Good luck in Maine, okay?
Thanks.
A little too proud of yourself for just
not being a piece of shit.
If you see somebody in a store
who's got a thing...
Whatever it is...
It's not supposed to be any negative
version of anything of anybody.
They had a creative amount of limbs.
And you saw them and you
just scanned the room.
You didn't go... booh!
You just kept going...
You just kept that ***
You didn't go... Aaahhh!!!!
You just kept going.
And then you are like excited,
like, ohh, I am an angel.
There should be a statue
of me in this spot.
Letting that person have the same
just regular day that I had.
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
I mean, sometimes you see
a person on the street
who's in a state of life
that you couldn't imagine
having the courage to live.
You ever seen somebody...
you ever seen a person
and you look at them and you go,
"That-- I would just kill myself
if I woke up like that"?
I would just kill myself.
I don't have the courage.
And it's a comment on me,
not them.
I couldn't live like that.
I get to go like this,
and if I had to go like this,
I'd blow my brains out.
I can't do it.
I have only the courage
for a perfect life.
I really do.
Anything below perfect,
I ain't doing it.
I ain't being
one of those guys.
I don't even want to be cold
in the winter.
You know when you see somebody,
they just have a flannel shirt
without a jacket,
and they're just being cold and
their face is purple in spots.
Couldn't do it.
I saw an old lady
I couldn't be.
I was walking behind this lady.
That is a weird sentence.
"I saw an old lady
that I couldn't be."
I was walking behind her
and she had just
a spine that was
just dog shit.
Her spine sucked ass.
I'm saying this in--
Like, as her friend.
Her spine...
sucked dick.
Just-- She was
just one of these people
and she's walking in front of me
like this
and she had a collar on
her shirt that was very high,
and so I couldn't even
see her head.
She had--
Looked like she had no head.
She was like this with
no head and I remember--
First thing I thought was,
her doctor's an asshole,
because he could have told her!
He could have said to her,
"Listen, just so you know,
"now that you're like this,
"if you wear a high collar...
"... it's spooky for people
behind you.
"It's spooky from the back...
"sad from the front
and kind of
funny from the side."
Anyway, thanks a lot,
good night.
Thank you very much.
Louie C.K.!
Holy shit!
How are you, man?
How's it going?
Oh, my God!
Eddie!
How are you?
I haven't seen you in-- Jesus Christ!
Oh, it's years.
It's been years.
Oh, my God.
You're doing good, man.
You're a big star now.
Oh, not really.
Bullshit, I see you on TV.
You know, when I can afford
a motel room.
I thought you'd
forget about me.
How am I gonna
forget about you, man?
Hey, man, pretty funny stuff.
Thanks.
I'm Louie.
I'm Eddie.
Just starting out, too.
It's good to see you, man.
This is--
Gregg Rogell,
this is Eddie Mack,
he's a comic, he's a friend,
we started out together.
Oh, cool, nice to meet you, Eddie.
What's up?
Where do you work out of, LA?
Oh, yeah, because if it's
not here, it has to be LA.
You know, there's a whole
middle of the country.
You know,
the sewers of America,
that's where I work,
y'know, places that you
wouldn't be welcome,
phony New York piece of shit.
Hey, man, watch your mouth.
Oh, I'm sorry,
did I offend you?
Hey...
You started out with this guy?
Yeah.
Yeah, we started out
back in the days
when people went
on stage to be funny,
and then he came here
to have a career
with dildos like you
and I worked the road,
working shit holes for
drug money, like real comics.
Oh, I get it, so you're a road head?
Yeah, yeah, and I'm really proud of it.
Unfunny.
Okay, well, it was nice
talking to you, loser.
Come on.
Let's get a drink, man, come upstairs.
I can't, I can't, I'm double-parked.
Where you--
Where you going?
I can't afford to stop
in this city.
It's 50 bucks
an hour to exist here.
I'm on my way to Maine,
I just wanted to stop in
and say hello.
What are you doing?
Do you want a-- do you want a ride?
Yeah.
I wanted to talk to you
for a while, if you have--
Okay, yeah,
absolutely, come on, man.
Let's go.
I'll give you a ride home.
Tiger Woods claims to be
addicted to sex.
Bullshit.
These are hot women he was
having sex with.
If he was having
sex with a dead chicken,
then I'd say, "Wow, that guy
is addicted to sex."
Boy, you're really
living out of this car.
Yeah, I've been sleeping
in it for over a year.
Got everything.
I'm set up.
Got a sleeping bag,
hot plate, box of porn,
old-school magazine porn.
Gas station porn.
You might not
want to touch that.
So you're doing a gig in Maine?
Yeah, you want to open for me?
It's a sports bar
in Bangor for 200 bucks,
then I'm done.
What, you're getting off
the road for a while?
No, I mean, I'm done.
Done and done.
I'm gonna hit this
liquor store up here.
I would like to die
from... you.
And you're drinking this with me, too.
I don't know, man.
Yes, you are.
No.
You remember how we
used to get hammered.
Yes, I remember.
Man, you ate it
up there tonight.
Yeah, I know I suck, man.
You don't suck.
They suck!
Don't...
don't let other people
tell you what you are, man.
Don't do that.
You're good.
You're funny!
Oh, Jesus, drink with me,
I'm serious.
You're not gonna see me
again after this, believe me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You gotta pay for that, mister.
Yeah, I'm paying
for it there, relax.
Pinch it off, lady bird.
Can I enjoy it for ten seconds
before I own it?
You can't drink in here,
it's not a bar.
Why don't you shut your hummus
hole there, curry monkey?
I'm gonna pay for it. What the ( bleep
) are you talking about, curry monkey?
You no soy--
Yo no soy árabe.
¿ Qué clase de mierda es esto?
What is that, Spanish?
What are you saying--
Oye.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.
Are you saying that Spanish
people don't eat hummus?
Are you saying Spanish people
don't like Middle Eastern food?
Oye, oye, p'al carajo, get out of here.
Oye, chico.
You keep the change.
Yo no soy árabe, sal p'al-- Sal p'al carajo.
I'll keep the change, I'll keep your change.
Y llévate--
Y vete pa' allá.
Yeah, you and your friend,
pa' fuera, maricón.
Yeah, I know what that means.
Pa' fuera.
I'll find out what
that means Llévatelo.
And I'm gonna come back
to your bar.
I'm gonna slander your bar
on the Internet. Very sorry.
One star for your bar, this bar sucks!
Mierda, mierda, mierda.
Let's go, man.
I'm on Facebook!
Aquí, si, pa' fuera, pa' fuera.
You almost look like
you're having fun.
Wah!
Jesus Christ.
Let's do a set somewhere.
You wanna go on stage?
Yeah, hang on.
Let's find a gig.
Let's find a gig.
We could do Caroline's,
the midnight show.
We're not doing a comedy club.
Comedy clubs, that's
where comedy goes to die.
Let's do an open mic.
Uh...
Like we used to, have some fun.
Yeah... right there.
That's tonight.
That's in Brooklyn.
And I have a car.
Wah, come on.
Jesus, man, come on.
Give me this, give me this.
I'm driving.
All right, okay.
Brooklyn.
That's the bridge, that's the bridge.
There you go.
I called my ex-wife, right,
and told her what happened,
you know, that I didn't want to
be alone tonight.
And she was like,
"Things are different, okay?
You want to be with me,
it's gonna cost you $200."
And I was like, wow, things are
different, man.
I remember when
she used to charge me 60,
which is a problem, man,
'cause, you know,
every woman wants to
have a man in here life,
you know what I mean?
But not a fat one.
It's not like when I walk by,
you hear women going...
"Oye, mira, papi.
"Coño.
Teniqua,
did you see that guy ?"
"I sure did and let me tell you
something,
"if I had him in my bed,
"I'd suck his cholesterol level
back to normal,
you know what
I'm saying ?"
This is open mic.
Smell the desperation.
Loserdom.
Like, a girl could do
something seemingly gay
and it'll be okay if she does it
with another woman,
but if I suggest
I want to suck my friend's dick
because he's stressed,
I can't suck his dick.
Well, I'm immigrant from Russia
and America
experiencing hard times now,
how to survive and
this and that...
I'm telling you, you're really
making me feel good, like...
like I felt when they
finally took that head rag
off Aunt Jemima on
the pancake box.
I feel good, I feel good.
Yeah.
You seriously want to
go on stage here?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, you're Louie C.K. Yeah.
You're famous in this dump.
Do you want to go up?
No, but can you
put my friend on?
He's funny, he's a comic.
I'll go up.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
What's your name?
It's Shitty Fat Tits.
Write that down.
Yeah, sure.
I'm gonna go now,
but I'll be in the back
so we can exchange...
Don't ( bleep ) up my intro.
Up next, we got a very special
guest, doing a guest spot.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Shitty Fat Tits.
Oh, no, thank you,
thank you very much.
No, seriously, thank you,
thank you.
Your host,
ladies and gentlemen.
Please, give it up.
He should.
Anyway, do you know
how much stupid stuff we do
just to get pussy?
Sex is just so absolutely
boring.
It's such a one-note thing
and it drives so many people
to do so many ridiculous...
So many problems--
Sex is like--
It's not even like--
It's gross.
If you just break it down to
what it is,
if you're not in
the mood for it and you just--
It's disgusting.
Do you ever watch porno
after you come?
Ugh.
I get a boner, it springs up
on me randomly,
I treat it like
the medical condition that it is
and I drain it like a cyst,
quickly.
Drain this off!
No, just squeeze it off!
30-second MPEG.
And if you use YouPorn,
be careful,
'cause they track
what you beat off to.
It's a--
Go up to the top of YouPorn next
time you're on YouPorn
and click on
"recommended for you."
They track what you beat off to,
it's like Amazon.
"People who beat off
to this also beat off to
this, this and that."
And a lot of that stuff
you're not into.
How is, y'know,
cock and ball torture
equivalent to peeing on me?
I don't want you to pee on me.
That's gross.
No idea what
I'm doing with my life.
I can't believe you didn't go on, man.
Man, you were great.
Eat my ass.
You were hilarious.
Stop it.
You know, I give you shit,
but you know
I'm proud of you, right?
You came out here
and you gave it a shot
and now it's working for you.
I've always been proud of you.
Hey, man.
What's up?
I got some news.
I'm gonna be on Letterman.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I just got the call.
All right, well, whatever.
What?
What?
Good, go do Letterman.
What's your problem?
I just thought we do this shit
to get off and find truth,
not to become
famous glamour monkeys.
Hey, man--
Whatever, dude.
Go be a star.
Are you drinking water?
Is that for your health?
Keep your skin tight for
the camera close-ups?
You're making fun of water
right now, okay. Yes.
It's a basic life sustenance
and you're making fun of it.
Yeah, so what's your point?
Well, when you find yourself
railing against water,
you know, get a grip, man.
Jesus Christ.
Goddamn it, this city
is a dumparoo.
I bet you never come out
here, do you, Brooklyn?
You just stay holed up
in faggy Manhattan.
I used to live here, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, I lived in a five-floor
walk-up for two years
with my ex-wife.
The Twin Towers were right
there across the river. Oh.
She was six months
pregnant with Lily
and we stood there
and we watched them burn.
You just stood there
and watched them burn?
You didn't try to help?
Rush in?
Try to blow it out?
Nothing?
Come on, help our
3,000 brothers out, man.
Just stand there and watch
'em burn
with your fattened wife
who you later abandoned.
So what's up, man?
Uh... okay, look.
I know I burned
our bridge, you know,
we're old friends and all that,
hooray.
But I got no bridges left.
I burned all the bridges,
I burned the roads,
I burned the trails,
I burned the hiking path.
It's all gone.
So what do you need?
I don't need anything.
I just want to talk to you.
I want to tell you something.
Okay.
Do ya, okay?
Yeah, I'm listening.
Go ahead. All right, look,
man, I'm cashing in.
I'm done.
I'm 40 shit years old,
I got nothing, I got nobody.
And I don't want anything,
I don't want anybody,
and that's the worst part,
when the want goes.
That's-- That's bad.
I mean, like suffering
is one thing
or not having is one thing
but when you just
don't care anymore?
You know, I've gone soft
in the last three pussies
I've been in.
You get to
a point where you go,
maybe it's time to just
put a period
at the end of my--
Whatever this was.
So you're gonna quit comedy?
How dense are you?
Comedy?
Who gives a shit
about comedy, man?
Well, then, what are you talking about?
My life!
I'm going to end it.
I went to a doctor--
Listen to me.
I went to a doctor,
and I'm just trying to
get a scrip for Ambien,
and I'm--
I'm bullshitting the guy,
the whole fear
of flying nonsense,
like I've ever been on
a plane in my career,
and the doctor gets this
look on his face like he knows,
like he's gonna chuck me
out of the office.
All of a sudden...
he gives me these.
It's "phenomedrine."
What is it?
He tells me, only take
one of these a week.
It's like the strongest,
most dangerous shit
this side of Bangkok.
He tells me,
"Do not take more than one.
Two of these'll
stop your heart."
A doctor gave you those?
Yeah, it made no sense at first.
I mean, look at me.
You take one look at me,
you're gonna give me these
with a verbal warning?
Why would he do that?
Because he took one look at me
and he realized
that's the only prescription
that's gonna improve my life,
is death.
Jesus Christ, Eddie.
No, the guy's right.
The guy probably
deserves a Nobel Prize
and I don't need
a second opinion.
I'm going to Maine,
I'm gonna do my show,
get a lobster roll, maybe,
get a motel room
and then throw three of these
things down my head
with some cognac.
Why are you here
telling me this right now?
You know...
I don't know.
I guess I just wanted to
say goodbye to someone.
You know, if I leave a note,
it's just gonna get
burned with my clothes,
so I figured you for the one
guy that
I could say adios to.
Eddie, this is bullshit.
You can't kill yourself.
Oh, yes, I can.
I have a note from a doctor.
I don't give a shit what that
guy said, you can't do that.
And why can't I do that?
Because!
Louie, look me in the eye
and tell me I have
one good reason to live.
No.
See, you got nothing.
No, no, I'm not--
I'm not playing that,
I'm not doing it.
What do you mean?
I mean...
I mean, ( bleep ) you, man.
I got my reasons to live,
I worked hard to
figure out what they are.
I'm not just handing them
to you.
Okay, you want
a reason to live?
Have a drink of water
and get some sleep,
wake up in the morning and try
again like everybody else does.
Yeah, I get it,
a tough-love fix--
No, no love, okay?
More like tough--
Not giving a shit anymore,
Eddie.
If you want to--
If you want to tap out
'Cause your life
is shit--
You know what?
It's not your life, it's life.
It's-- Life
is bigger than you,
if you can imagine that.
Life isn't something
that you possess.
It's something
that you take part in
and you witness.
You are--
You are so excited right now
that you get to give
the big speech.
You would love to be
the guy that talks this loser,
who you never think about,
out of suicide
so you could feel
better about yourself.
This is not about you, Louie.
It's just me saying goodbye.
It was nice to know you
when I knew you.
No, you're laying this shit
on me because--
She's not welcome in my house.
How do you not want me to let her in the house?
I don't like her when she's in there.
She's the mother of my kids.
I don't care, she's not the mother of my kids!
Oh, come on, man, this is ridiculous!
Whenever she needs...
Listen, man, I...
I haven't seen you in 20 years.
And you're right,
I don't think much about you.
I hope you don't...
kill yourself.
I really do.
But I gotta go home.
All right.
I gotta pick up my kids
in the morning.
Okay, man.
All right, man.
I'm gonna take the subway, okay?
All right.
Thanks, buddy.
Good luck in Maine, okay?
Thanks.
A little too proud of yourself for just
not being a piece of shit.
If you see somebody in a store
who's got a thing...
Whatever it is...
It's not supposed to be any negative
version of anything of anybody.
They had a creative amount of limbs.
And you saw them and you
just scanned the room.
You didn't go... booh!
You just kept going...
You just kept that ***
You didn't go... Aaahhh!!!!
You just kept going.
And then you are like excited,
like, ohh, I am an angel.
There should be a statue
of me in this spot.
Letting that person have the same
just regular day that I had.