Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 11 - Duckling - full transcript

I heard that ducks have one hole.

I don't know if you know that,
but ducks have one hole,

and they pee out of it

and they shit out of it,

they get... in it

and they lay eggs out of it.

That...

has got to be one smelly,
dirty hole.

That hole has got to
be a pretty awful place.

I feel a little bard for
the man duck,

because ducks are monogamous.



I don't know if you know that,

but ducks stay in their
relationships forever

and by the time
that duck gets to be 48,

her husband must be like,

"Dude...

"... that shit sucks.

I hate it."

And then he goes and ( bleep )
a swan or something.

His wife's like, "Why do you
have to ( bleep ) a swan for ?"

She's got an asshole, that's why.

She's got an asshole.

Okay?

I got a green head.

I don't know what
that means, just somehow...



They got green heads,
they deserve more.

Speaking of animal-type humor
that's not totally finished,

uh, I...

... I actually, I have
this "joke-joke,"

like a, you know,

"animals talking to each other"
type joke,

that I don't know
how to finish it.

I know what's funny about it,

but I don't know how to
finish it.

What--
Basically, it's about a lion

who goes up to the giraffe

and he says, "Hey, man,
did you see that dude ?"

And the giraffe's like,
"What dude ?"

And he goes, "He's that dude,

"he lives by the river
in a hut."

And the giraffe goes,
"What does he look like ?"

And the lion goes,
"He looks like this..."

And the giraffe's like,
"Well, I know a dude

that lives by the river,
but he doesn't look like that."

He goes, "No, that's what
he looks like, 'Ahhh !'"

The giraffe says, "I know
a guy, but he looks like this."

See, the lion just thinks that
people look like that.

The lion doesn't
get that he makes

a person look like that...

by scaring the shit out of them.

He just thinks that,

"Hey, that's that dude that's
always going, 'Ahhh !'"

That's what he's like.

He doesn't see his own part of...

Hello, Daddy.
Hey, baby, how you doing?

Hi.
Hi.

You need to take home
the ducklings tonight.

Take what?

We're raising ducklings

and they can't
stay in the school,

so you gotta take 'em.

Yay, can we--
No, no, wait, wait, wait, no, no, this is not--

Why me, why am I doing this?

Every family took a turn,
it's your turn.

Yeah, but I--
I'm going to--

I'm going to Afghanistan.

It's your turn to take the ducklings.
We can put them in a bathtub.

Yeah, but listen, I have tomorrow morning--
And they can sleep in my bed!

Excuse me, Jane, baby.

Tomorrow morning, I have--
I'm starting a USO tour,

do you understand?

I'm going all over
the Middle East.

I'm going to Iraq
and Afghanistan and Kuwait.

Are you dropping Jane here tomorrow morning?
Yes, I am.

Well, so take 'em
and bring 'em back tomorrow.

Yay!
Yes!

Yes!
Yay!

Yes!

Yeah.
We can put them in the bathtub!

Yeah, whatever.
We gotta give 'em a bath!

All right, come on.
Yeah, they can sleep in my bed.

Look how...

Oh!

Don't let 'em go--
Yay!

Okay, okay, don't let 'em go--

Don't let 'em go under
there, please.

Jane.

No, I wanna keep this one...

Look at them, they're--

Careful, you're gonna
step on them.

Okay, okay, please.
No, I won't.

Please, Lilly,
put that one down, put...

Wait.

Thank you for letting them come home with us.
Ew, I got poop!

All right, I'm glad--

All right, girls.

Good night.

Daddy?
Yeah.

Can we keep the ducklings?

No, we're not doing that.

Can we keep just one?

No.

Just one!
No.

Daddy, can we keep
just one duckling?

Are you really
going to a war tomorrow?

I'm going to where
there is a war,

but I'm just there to--
to make some soldiers laugh.

I'm just gonna do shows
and it's safe.

Are you sure?

They've never let any
performer get hurt, ever,

so it's gonna be okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Just one duckling?

Dude, no.

Oh.

Could we keep them
for another night?

Tomorrow morning, I'm taking
you guys to school

with the ducklings

and I'm going right from
the school to an airfield

where I'm getting on a huge
gray plane called a C-17

and I'm flying
to the Middle East.

Whoa.

Are we going on the plane?

You're not going on--

Your mom's picking you up
tomorrow at school.

Can I keep just one duckling?

Good night.

Good night, Daddy.

Y'know, for a bunch of tiny
creatures, you guys are

a real pain in the ass.

If this was a toilet, I would
just flush it, I swear to God.

So how long have you
been there?

Since I graduated high school.

Oh, really.

A real long time.

So do you-- do you--
do you like music?

Yeah, I like music.

What kind of music do you like?

Um, pretty much everything.

Do you like, um...

do you like Led Zeppelin or...

Led Zeppelin?

You don't know who that is?
No.

What about like--

Van Halen, you like Van Halen?

No.

You don't like them
or you don't know 'em?

I'm not sure who they are, no.

What about Aerosmith?

You like Aerosmith?

No.

You don't know who they--
No, not sure.

Uh, Steven Tyler, y'know,
is in Aerosmith.

"American Idol."
Yeah.

Yeah, I know who Steven Tyler is.

He was in Aerosmith, he was
in a band called Aerosmith.

Yeah, he's a judge on
"American Idol."

Yeah, he is.

But, uh--

You're a cheerleader?
Yeah.

Football-- like a football
cheerleader?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

You ever date any
football players?

Oh, no, no, no.

We're not allowed to date
any football players.

Do you ever do it anyway?

I didn't-- I...

Hello and welcome to
Task Force Base Charlie.

I'm General Thompson in charge
of operations in Afghanistan.

Let me be the first to
thank you for coming here.

I know it's been a long trip.

I'd like to be able to
tell you to get some rest,

but I can't.

We need to get you out there
and cheer up our troops.

You're gonna see some
things in the next five days

that you've never seen
or imagined.

These young people of ours

are living in some
pretty bad conditions.

In fact, for many of them,
it sucks out there.

Some of our
forward operating bases

or FOBs, as you'll come to
know them,

have little more than a pot
to piss in and dry, cold food.

Many of our troops are in
their second year.

Most of them have lost a buddy.

Some of them have
been wounded in action,

returned for more.

We can't give them
the comforts of home.

We can't send them home.

The only thing that
we can hope to do

is try and lift their spirits.

So you see, your job here
is terribly important.

This is not
a joke to us or a trifle.

This is a vital mission

and I thank you most sincerely

for taking time from your
family to come here and do this.

Now we need to have you
go to your quarters,

drop your gear, grab what
you need, get on transport.

Your first destination
will be Alpha Camp

where you are going to entertain

about a thousand troops.

They are excited to see you.

You'll be sleeping
for about three hours

and then we're gonna pack you
onto Black Hawk helicopters

in pairs and fly you out
to the FOBs.

I'm not going to lie to you.

These are dangerous places
in remote mountain regions.

We've got guys in the mountains

firing rockets into these camps
all the time

and whenever a Black Hawk lands,

it increases the vue
of the target

by about a billion dollars.

So some of you
may take some fire,

but we know where it's
coming from,

we know how to protect you,

so don't worry.

Thanks again for coming,
and drive on.

Gentlemen.

Did he say we're taking fire?

What does that--
Oh, no, no, don't worry, we'll be fine.

Nothing to worry about.

You're a comedian, sir?
Yeah.

Did you see me
on TV or something?

No, sir, I haven't.

What the ( bleep )?

"Dear Daddy, this duckling will
keep you safe, Lilly."

Holy shit on the tits of a dog.

Hey, man.
Hey.

How are you?
Good, okay.

Kenny Thomas.
Louie.

It looks like they got you
and me going out together.

Yeah.
Yeah.

All right.

Have-- have you
done this before?

Once or twice.

I used to-- I used to
be in the military.

I was a--
I was a ranger.

You all right?

You look scared.

Yeah, is that stupid?

No, man, you'd be
stupid not to be.

Yeah, never ever go in
a hostile area unarmed.

All right, so we'll see you
on the flight line?

Okay, man.
All right.

See ya.
Yeah.

Come here, come here...

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

It's okay, it's okay...

You're okay, you're okay.

My name's Kenny.

Thanks.

Kenny Thomas, everybody,
let's hear it for him.

You guys ready to be entertained
by some cheerleaders?

Let's make 'em feel
at home here in Afghanistan.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jamie and Ashley!

... to Afghanistan.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Louie C.K.

Thank you very much.

How you guys-- how are--
how are you guys doing?

Good!

Okay, okay, I was...

I don't do a lot
to improve myself.

You know, you guys are all
young, you're healthy.

I've reached a point where
I could never be healthy again.

Like I-- I work out
to keep this.

That's the best
that I can hope for,

that I won't have--
I'll keep--

I'll always have this belly,

I have to work hard so I won't
have another one.

Like those-- that second
crotch belly that people--

You ever see the guy who's got
like a ( bleep ) second belly?

It's like a-- I'll be like
a letter "B."

Just that belly
and it's just-- Uhh!

And it's--

And my penis will just be
hidden somewhere in there.

You ever seen somebody
with like a second--

It's a gut. And a--

Yeah, and then you can't--

When he pees,
it just dribbles down

the front of his belly

and when get gets horny,

he just ( bleep ) his fat
from the inside.

That's the kind of
person I'm talking about.

Now, that's what mine is
become like, it just--

My dick, it just--

The whole dick and balls
just looks like--

It's like an old horse
that nobody brushes anymore.

You know?

My balls...

Like, my balls are like--

I'm 43, my balls
are like 72 years old.

They're seriously older than me.

My balls, just--
they just kinda--

They're like...

they're like two
just John McCains

just hanging from my--
they're just...

They-- they hang like--

They look like they're being
rescued from a river

by a helicopter,
that's what they...

It's very sad.

I still love women.

I love women.

I wanna ( bleep ) women.

That's-- For guys,
that's their--

It's both things.

It's very sad.

Guys can't really can't be
romantic without being sexual.

It's the way we--

That's the way we're built.

That's the way we're designed.

We have to be that way

because we have to
( bleep ) women

and you have to be kind of gross

to climb on a perfectly
beautiful woman

and ( bleep ) her
and ruin her with your penis.

You have to have kind of
a gross mentality.

Women get to be
elegant during sex,

they get to lay back with their
hair arranged on the pillow.

"Ooh !"

Even women that are aggressive,

they get to ride with their
hair up,

"Mmm !"

They get to go for a ride.

But guys just climb on and--

We just--

"Uhh."

We have to be gross.

"Gotta prosecute the pussy."

That's the kind of idiot
you have to be to be a man.

Get on the dick train, bitches!

That's how dumb you have to be.

Here you go, guys.
Thanks, Lou. Thank you.

Do you still work with Jim Norton?

It was good to meet you,
take care of yourself.

Are you, you a Gator?

Oh, hell no.

I'm a Georgia Bulldog.

What's your name, man?
Ryan.

That was so good!

That was awesome!

You are really good.

Hey, what's your name?
Ryan.

Hey, Ryan, how's it going?
Good, sir.

Sign that for you?

Oh, you got a--
That's Kenny's.

We sure appreciate
y'all being here.

Thanks for letting us come.

I never knew
a cheerleader--

I never knew a cheerleader,
like, personally.

I mean, I-- There were
girls in my high school

who were cheerleaders that I knew

who they were,
but they never--

I never...

It's cool, though,
it's like you're--

Like an artist, you know, right?

'Cause you dance and...

Did you go to--
did you study dance or...

Y'all are kind of disgusting,
the things you say on stage.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

Why can't you say Christian
things and be funny?

Christian things?

What kind of-- what kind of
Christian things are funny?

How old are you?
19.

You wanna see something?

Ew, what?

Oh, my gosh!

That is so cute!

Can I hold him?
No, no, no.

Maybe later.

Why do you have that?

Well, my daughter
put it in my bag.

She said it's to keep me safe.

That is adorable.

Well, it's not gonna
help against an RPG,

but it's a pretty bad-ass
duckling.

See?

You're being Christian and funny.

Would you ever date a guy my age?

Why?
Would you ever date a 19-year-old?

Sure.

Would you really?

Yeah.

That's disgusting.

What's up, fellas?

How's it going?

Welcome to Camp Timothy, sir.
Thanks, good to be here.

Where are we?
Camp Timothy, sir.

Who's Timothy?

Incoming rocket fire, take cover!

Incoming!

They can't hit shit, don't worry.

Come on, let's go to work.

That's funny?

How you doing?

Camp Timothy, sir.
Thank you very much.

How you doing?

Excellent, sir, how you doing?

You guys live here?

Unfortunately.

Yeah.

How long you been here for?

Uh, well, we built this FOB
about a year ago

and we've been here ever since.

You got cable?

Not out here, sir.

Sir, this is our company
commander, Major Burroughs.

Hello, sir.

Afghani Nationals.

We're training 'em.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Hi.

Incoming!

Incoming!

All right.

Hey, guys, let's
square this place away.

We're gonna...

we're gonna do a show in here?

Yeah.

Dude.

It's all right,
you just tell your jokes,

I'll sing a song, it'll be cool.

They're gonna love you.

Hey, fellas.

Thanks for being here,
not that you have a choice.

But my name's Louie C.K.,
I'm a comedian.

Never d heard of you.

I never heard of
you either, dickface.

Listen, I'm not afraid of
you guys,

you got guns,
you're only 21, though,

I'm 43.

I got a lot of years on you,

so we're gonna have a good time.

I'm gonna tell you a few jokes,
try to make you laugh,

but first a little music.

This is a young man who is one
of your own, first of all,

he's an Army Ranger and he's
a country-western singer.

I'm not sure which one's worse,

but let's find out
what he can do.

Ladies and gentlemen, please,
a nice welcome for Kenny Thomas.

Give him a hand.

Hey, how y'all doing?
Hey.

Thanks for coming out of your
holes in the ground

and spending some time with us.

We appreciate you spending
the day with us.

We appreciate ya.

I wanna do a song for you.

It's from my father's generation.

Now, I don't know
how many of you guys

have been up to the Vietnam Wall
in Washington, DC.

But when one of
our service members

was listing as a POW...

or missing in action,

what they would do is
put a cross by their name.

And in the event that that man
was to make it back alive

and accounted for,

they'd put a circle
around the cross

and that would
signify the circle of life.

And you can look all you want,
but to this day,

there's still no circles

inscribed on the Vietnam Wall.

♪ Now Daddy got the call
sometime ♪

♪ In the summer of '69 ♪

♪ Did his tour in the war ♪

♪ But the home
he was fighting for ♪

♪ Wasn't what he left behind ♪

♪ I was there that day
when the telegram came ♪

♪ And Mama fell to her knees ♪

♪ He was a mighty good man ♪

♪ But he fell into the hands of
the North Vietnamese ♪

♪ Another folded
stars and stripes ♪

♪ Another man who gave his life ♪

♪ Husbands
fathers brothers sons ♪

♪ Will never be forgotten
I know ♪

♪ And when you
find what once was lost ♪

♪ We'll put a circle
on the cross ♪

♪ Two years my mama held on ♪

♪ Said I'm trying to
do the best I can ♪

♪ Yeah but the army
wasn't paying ♪

♪ And she had a boy to raise ♪

♪ So she found herself
another man ♪

♪ And I was there that day ♪

♪ When the "Taps" was played ♪

♪ And they buried
his name in the ground ♪

♪ Well the preacher
was still talking ♪

♪ As my mama started walking ♪

♪ And she ain't never
turned around ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Another folded stars
and stripes ♪

♪ We'll put
a circle on the cross ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Thanks, you guys, appreciate it.

God bless you guys,
and we mean it.

Take care of each other and come
on home safe, all right?

All right, I want
to introduce a guy,

he's a very funny man

and he came a long way
to make you ugh,

so, you know, make him
feel good about himself.

Please give it up for Louie?

All right.

Thank you, Kenny, for depressing
the shit out of everybody

and now I gotta
try to make 'em laugh.

Well, I live in New York City.

Anybody here from New York,
New Yorkers?

New York?

What kind--
what part of New York?

Buffalo.

Buffalo, that's not New York.

Dude, don't mess with Buffalo.

Hey, man, it's okay.

I understand how Buffalo's--

That's home.

I don't wanna mess with
your home.

But seriously,
Buffalo sucks shit.

I mean, come on, man.

You gotta have some
courage to live here,

but you gotta have more courage
to live in Buffalo.

I think if I woke up
at a bus stop in Buffalo,

I would kill myself.

The only thing
worse than being in Buffalo

is being in a hotel room

trying to find how far you can
get your finger

into your own asshole.

That's actually more fun than
being in shit, horrible--

Do you know that
there was a president

who was shot in downtown Buffalo

and his last words were,

"Thank God I can get
the ( bleep ) out of

this shitty town."

Can I see it?
Hey.

Yeah, come over.

So cute.

How old is your daughter?

She's five.

And I got
a nine-year-old.

Pour water for this thing.

You're a good dad.

Thank you.

In actual Detroit, inside--
Detroit.

Detroit.
Right in the actual...

Hey, guys...

Every time, what, what?

Football, one more,
one more short game--

No, you beat us
every single time.

It's not fair.
Every time.

Football.

No, no, no, no, no...
Yeah, yeah.

Football.

That's a football.

Football.

You're ball.
Our ball?

Oh, sweet.

I give you free kick.

Get it around!

See, I told you.

Gets to you, doesn't it?

Freaking kids, man.

Yeah.

Still scared?

No.

That's right, man.

'Til something bigger
comes along.

What?

Knock it...

No!

No!

Prepare to land!

This is fun!

We're going down!
What?

We're landing!

That's not good!
Not--

Jesus...

What's happening?

Good job, guys.

Can somebody please tell me

what is actually happening
right now?

We had a mechanical problem.

Well, so what--
what now happens?

Hopefully someone
comes and gets us.

Hopefully nothing happens
to go down.

They'll be here in about
30 minutes so just sit tight.

Sit tight.

Okay, I'm sitting tight.

I'm taking a leak.

I already did that.

Ew.

I'm very-- I'm very
sensitive to the sun.

I get burned.

I'm sensitive.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

Hey, Sergeant Major.

Everyone just be calm.

Hey.

Is that worry--
"worryable"?

Don't know yet.

Dude, they got guns.

Yeah.

A lot of people have guns here.

They might just be hunting, man.

Put your weapons down!

It's okay, it's okay!

Drop your weapons, put 'em down!

Salam alaikum, salam alaikum.

Salam alaikum.

Salam...

Salam alaikum, salam alaikum,
salam alaikum, salam alaikum...

Salam alaikum.

Uh, "duckie."

Duckie, duckie!

Duckie.

Duckie, duckie.

Duckie.

Duckie, duckie, duckie...

It's my daughter's.
Daughter?

Jane, my daughter.

Yee-ha!

Yee-ha!