Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - He Ain't Heavy - full transcript
Loudermilk has a DNA test.
You're a virgin.
I'm just a...lip virgin.
You set me up?She's a great woman.
Hi.
Dad?
What are you doing here?
Let's go get some grub.
I'm buying.
If you can't have one glass
of wine with your old man,
then you've got
bigger problems
than you know, buddy boy.
Yeah, okay.
Now you're starting to get it.
He's a good kid.
He's just going through
some heavy stuff.
Oh.
That's why I came back here...
To do what dads do.
There, there.
Let it all out.
Daddy's here.
Mm-hmm.
Hey!
Thomas the Tank Engine,
you want to keep that cloud
of poison to yourself?
Uh, no worries, man.
It's just water.
Oh, just water?
That's toxins, okay?
That's propylene
and arsenic and lead.
Saddam Hussein had fewer
chemicals than that,
and we bombed
his whole country and
strung him up like a pinata.
What do you care?
I care because
you're blowing it all over me!
And this shit
affects all of us.
Look at this poor
son of a bitch.
He probably looked
like George Clooney
before you crop-dusted him.
Hey.
Leave me out of this.
Buddy, I'm trying
to help you out.
How? By pointing out
I look like shit?
You think I don't know that?
I own a fucking mirror, pal.
Yeah, all right.
Y-You look pretty good
for your age, actually.
But this guy's
in real trouble, okay?
That nicotine there...
That... That...
That's more addictive
than heroin.
Do you know that?
And do you want to
talk about vaping?
You ever heard of
"popcorn lung"?
No. It comes in
popcorn flavor, though.
You're killing yourself,
and you look
pretty stupid doing it.
You look like the... the
"Quittin' Time" whistle
at the dipshit factory, huh?
You look like Kurt Cobain
if he lived in a lamp
and worked for Aladdin.
Is that... That the look
you're going for?
Aladdin's Genie?
Huh.
I guess I should have asked
for three wishes.
I did.
But the wrong guy disappeared.
Lately, I've been
feeling angry.
Men don't listen to me.
It's crazy.
But as a woman, I am
labeled as "weak,"
"emotional," or "needy,"
and yet in every relationship
I've ever had,
I am the strong one.
I'll never understand that.
Y-You know what?
You know what
I don't understand?
How come every time
I'm at a urinal...
Every time...
The guy next to me
just rips out this huge,
loud fart while he's pissing?
Really? I'm over here
opening up
about being a woman...
I mean, really sharing
with you guys...
And you segue it into a story
about farts?
Ooh! Ooh! Miss Big Words.
"Segue into farts."
Hold on a second, Mugsy.
I think what Claire's
trying to say here
is that women can fart, too,
and pretend
that nothing happened.
- I mean, hmm?
- Okay.
Whatever.
As scintillating
as this conversation is,
does anybody have something
on their mind
that's a little relevant?
I got something.
Go ahead, Cisco.
Have you ever
believed something,
like, your whole life
and then find out
it's not true,
like, family kind of stuff?
You mean, like, when you
tell your little brother
that he's been
adopted his whole
life but he really isn't?
Don't even...
Just go ahead.
I've always thought
I was Latino,
you know, really saw that
as my identity.
But now my grandmother
tells me that we're
part Native American.
I don't know, man.
Grandmas say
shit like that all the time.
My grandma told me
I was part Chinese.
But what if this is true?
Like, that could really change
things for me, right, Cloud?
Like, do I have to start going
to rain dances and stuff?
Oh, sun dances and powwows
are more common. Just saying.
Do you know that Indian chick
on the Land O' Lakes butter?
If you fold her knees up
just right on the box...
It looks like she's
showing her titties.
Okay.
Well, I think
that's cool, Cisco.
So, what tribe are you?I have no idea.
Well, you should find out.
If you're Tilulu,
you could own part
of the casino.
Really?
Is that true?
Slow down there,
young blood.
There are many tribes
in this region.
Do you have any documentation
of your lineage
or tribal contacts, maybe?
No.
Just what my grandma said.
Oh, probably won't fly
down at the casino.
Well, they... They might be
willing to comp him breakfast.
You could do a DNA test.
That would tell you for sure.
No, no, no, no.
I ain't doing that.
What are you scared of?
Uh, needles, dude.
You don't have to give blood.
You just spit in a thing
and mail it.
I spit into stuff
all the time.
See?
And you were scared.
Have you ever
taken a DNA test?No.
What are you scared of?
I'm not scared.
I just never took one.
Well, maybe it's time for you
to face some truth, too.
You know, walk the talk
and all that.
Okay, how about this...
How about
if you take the test,
I'll take the test?
Deal.
Okay.
Anybody else have
something to share?
♪♪
What are you doing?
For you,
a good answer would be
"applying for a job."
Ha-ha! You're a delight!
No, we're helping Cisco
with his DNA test.
Yours is all filled out
and ready to go.
Yeah, we just need you
to spit in this tube,
and then we can
mail it off.
Yeah, I'm not
taking a DNA test.
What? You told Cisco
you were gonna do it.
I was just trying
to get the kid
to do what he
wanted to do anyway.
You're a dick.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not a dick.
I'm a friend.
You know,
sometimes as a friend,
the most ethical thing to do
is to lie through your teeth
and get him to do
what's best for him.
Blah, blah, blah,
spit in the thing!
No.
Not a chance!
Look, I... I toured
with bands, okay?
Rock bands with groupies.
And booze and drugs
and groupies.
And I wasn't always
so careful.
So why do I want to
retrace my steps now?
Christ, I could
have a grown-ass kid
out there somewhere.
Holy shit, man!
You keep telling others
not to avoid their own truths,
and then you turn around
and avoid yours.
Yeah. You're right.
That is what I'm doing.
I got to work on that.
I got to work on facing
the truths in my own life.
But not today.
♪♪
It really doesn't
matter to me.
I mean, you guys know
I could give two shits
about stuff like this,
but I've noticed recently
that a lot of us
have been using
pejorative words
when describing people
different than us,
and I just think maybe we
should keep an eye on that
so no one gets offended.
Personally,
I don't give a shit.
What the hell
is he even saying?
He doesn't want us to call his
new girlfriend the "M" word.
The "M"... You're the one
who used the "M" word.
Oh, that's before
I got woke.
Well, how is that on us?
Well, I'm just trying
to be safe, okay?
Louise is coming
to pick me up later.
I don't want her
to ever hear that word.
Wow! New guy has feelings
for someone.
Ooh!
Hey, I-I'm not
interrupting, am I?Yes, you are.
Okay, good,
'cause I'm a little excited.
Cisco's DNA results
just came in.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
Okay, I'll give it to you.
Just wait a second. Hold on.Guys, guys, guys!
This is not "The Maury Povich
Show," okay?
Cisco's gonna want to
look at that in private.CISCO: Yeah.
Oh, I believe he is gonna want
to look at this in private.
Wait a second.
Did you open his mail?
'Cause that's illegal!
No, no, no, no.
I-I sent in his spit,
and I thought I would be able
to better support him
if it was bad news.
So I opened it...
Bad news?
So I just had a little...
What do you mean, dude?
Come on, man.
Shoot me straight.
Am I native American?
Yeah, I...
Dude, just give him
the fucking papers!
Okay, that's...
Holy shit!
Okay, yes.
31% Native American.
Holy shit!
Thank you.
Frame it!
Wow!
Shit!
That's...
Wow.
Welcome to the club,
brother!
Okay, Ben,
that's enough.
Let's get back
to the meeting, please.
Actually, uh,
before we get started,
would you mind if we had
a little word in private?
And, uh, young lady, I think
you might want to join us.
All right.
Um, Ed, I don't know what
the exact protocol is
or what channels
I have to go through,
but I was wondering how
I would get a...
One of those
blue penis pills.Oh.
You know, 'cause I don't know
if I have to go to a doctor
or if there's a waiting...
Here you go.
Take it a half-hour
before you need it.
So, what's
so fucking important
that you had to interrupt
the meeting?
Uh, Claire has something
to tell you.
Yes.
Loudermilk, uh,
you were right
about tricking Cisco
into doing his DNA test.
Okay.
And we hope
you feel the same
about us tricking you
into doing yours.
What are you
talking about?
Your results, sir.
Very funny. I didn't give you
any spit, remember?
True dat, but, uh, Ben got one
of your hairs from the shower,
and we mailed it in.
Huh?
Yeah, yeah,
you can do that.
It actually costs
a little more to do hair,
as opposed to spit,
but don't worry.
It's our treat.Mine, but...
It's her treat.
Bullshit.
How do you
even know it's mine?
It could be anybody's.
Well, you're the only one
with short, black, curly hair.
I don't have short,
black, curly hair.
Motherfucker!
Jesus Christ.
What's it say in here?
Do I have a kid or not?
Sam Loudermilk,
you are not a father!
'Cause you...
You said Maury Povich
in there.
Never mind.So I don't have a kid.
No.
You're sure?
Yes.
Okay.
Okay, well, I guess
that's a...
That's a...
That's a good thing to know.
It's a... That's an egregious
invasion of privacy,
but I guess I'm...
I'm glad you did it.
Okay, cool. That's great.
We're happy you feel that way.
You have a brother.
What?
Are we even sure
this is correct?
Well, it was your hair,
and we...
We checked all the boxes
regarding relatives, so...
You and your brother
Clyde must think alike
because so did he.
Uh, it's kind of magical,
if you think about it.
Like, you were both
looking for each other.
Except I wasn't
looking for him,
remember?
Okay, you know what?
What's done is done.
It doesn't change the fact
that you do have a brother,
and he's right here
in Seattle.
I just can't believe
this shit that I
actually have a brother.
What are you talking about?
Your dad was up and down
the Western Seaboard
for the past 50 years
banging anything that moves.
What's so hard
to fucking believe?
How is this guy in Seattle
the whole time
and neither of us knew?
I mean, I might have
walked by him 20 times.
I bet you did.
You should compare notes.
What do you mean,
"Compare notes"?
I'm not gonna meet him.Are you serious?
Fuck, no!
If I had a brother
here in town,
I know
I'd want to meet him.
What if he's, like,
an open-carry nut
or one of those douchebags
who thinks wearing a sombrero
to a tequila party
is a federal offense?
That should be
a federal offense.
That's cultural appropriation.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Would you wake up, Claire!
It's not a religious symbol.
It's a goddamn sun hat!
Okay, you know what?
Tell you what.
How about this?
I'll come with you.
Why are you always try...
No, I don't want you
to come with me!
I want you to stay
out of my business
and stop collecting
my fucking pubic hair!
Okay, fine!
You know what?
I'm gonna throw the rest away.
How about that?
♪♪
Okay.
Hi.
Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk.
I'm here to see Clyde.
Oh. Right. Yeah.
Sure, come on in.
Thanks.
So...is...
is he here?
Yeah, he is,
but he's sleeping.
Sleeping?
It's 2:00... 2:00 P.M.
Is he a drinker?
It's not a judgment.
I had some issues with
the bottle myself,
so, uh, it's not surprising
that he does, too...
If... If he does.
No, he doesn't.
Okay, good.
That's good.
Are you two married?
Um...ju... Just... Just wait
right there, okay?
D-Don't move.
Hello.
Wait. You're Annette?
Wow, you...
you look so familiar.
Yeah, yeah! Take it all!
Take it all! Oh, yeah!
Take it all! Yeah, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
No, no, no!
Come on! Not here!
Sorry, but, uh, someone's
sleeping on the couch.
Dad, please!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, fuck!
I'm Sam Loudermilk.
You're... You and my father,
last year, had...
Hmm.
You met at the restaurant
that you worked at, and...
You're the lobster guy!
Uh, anti-lobster guy.
I don't like lobster.
It upsets my stomach.
Yes, you were
with your father,
and you...
Mm-hmm.
So, I did everything I could
to find out who the daddy was,
but, you know, like I said,
I was going through
kind of a crazy time,
and some of the guys... I just
didn't have their numbers.
And the ones I did have, well,
none of them called me back.
Yeah, y-you don't have to
explain it to me.
People aren't very forthcoming
sometimes.
Right. That's why I did
Clyde's DNA test,
which I'm glad I did now
because,
well, I guess it worked.
I guess so.
Hey, Annette, he's awake.
Yeah? Oh, okay.
So, if Clyde's father
is your father,
that makes you Clyde's...
uncle?
Brother.
Oh! Wow!
But you're so much older
than him.
Somebody's hungry.
Clyde.
This is your brother, Sam.
Okay, I-I just never
understood this.
Why wouldn't they
name the sun?
I mean, they don't call
our planet "planet."
No, it's called Earth.
And they name all the other
planets, too.
Mars, Jupiter, Venus.
And yet our sun...
the most important part
of our solar system...
what do they call it?
The Sun!
The moon, too, right?
That deserves a name.Oh, no, no, no, no.
The moon's
a dusty piece of shit.
You sure you don't mind
if I drink?
Oh, no, no,
I like the smell.
And I can, uh,
taste it on your lips
later back at my place...
Oh!
There's a lot of things
we could do...
Later
back at your place.
I'll get the check.
Oh, let me take this.
Hey, Philly!
No way.
Yeah, of course!
Let's do it!
Okay, awesome.
That was my friend Philly.
They're gonna meet us here.
Here?
But what about all the things
I was about to taste
back at my place?
They have extra tickets
to The Shins.
No idea what that means.
It's a band.
They're good.
Don't worry, Hiram.
We're in for
a long, fun night.
I got to go to the bathroom.
♪♪
Siri, how...
How long does Viagra last?
Hiram?
Is everything okay?
Oh, totally good.
Totally good.
Here's the answer
to your question,
"How long does Viagra last?"
My Siri has Tourette's.
Why do you need Viagra?
I-I don't.
Is it me?
Oh, God, no,
it's not you.
It's... It's... It's me.
"It's not you. It's me"?
Is there a bigger cliche?
No, thi... This isn't
what you think it is.
Okay,
that's a bigger cliche.
No, no, no.
Louise, look, I like you.
I really like you, and I don't
want to disappoint you.
See, when you're over 40...
Okay, 50...
You just don't know
what's happening
all the time down there.
You scared?
Always.
Well...why don't we go
out to the car right now
and find out what is
happening down there?
Are you serious?
Oh, my God, that's great!
That's perfect!
Though, you know, 23 minutes
from now would be even better.
It still seems nuts to me
that I could hook up
with a 70-year-old man
just one night
and this could happen.
Well, it was
a hell of a night.
Are you, uh,
disappointed in me?
No, no.
I-I do think that
the both of you
could have been
a little more careful.
That's how I ended up
with my other two.
You have two other kids?
Yeah,
they're at a sleepover.
Clem's in second grade,
and Clarissa's
in kindergarten.
I guess I don't always
make the best choices
when it comes to men.
Yeah, I'd say
we're pretty much
reading the large print
on that one.
But I am ready to
do things differently.
I-I want to make a good life
for Clyde,
which is why I was hoping you
could help me find his dad...
Your dad.
Yeah, well, good luck
with that.
I mean,
I'll give you a number,
but trying to find my dad
is like trying to find Waldo,
if Waldo had his pants down
and owed everybody money.
I tried calling his number
so many times.
I figured it would
be hard to locate him
since he told me
he was in the FBI.
Wait, no, this says,
"Jack Flash...
Federal Bikini Inspector."
Oh, I didn't notice that.
That's pretty funny.
It looks so official.
Um, how are you doing this
all by yourself?
You getting by?
Oh, yeah, I'm...
You know, pretty much.
We have enough
for baby food, and I get
a shift meal at work.
And most of Clyde's stuff
I just get from the Dumptique.
What's that?
What's a Dumptique?
That's a little shack
at the dump
where they pull stuff out
that's still kind of good.
I find a lot
of baby toys there.
That's why I was hoping to
get some help from your dad,
or, you know, anyone.
Um...how much
do you need?
$5,000.
Mm. Hmm.
I know. I know.
It's a lot of money,
but it would
really help me baby-proof
this whole place
and get some new toys
and a safer crib
and help pay for
the doctor visits,
especially the doctor visits,
and babysitting, too.
Look, I feel bad. I do.
But I don't have
a lot of money, either.
Oh. Oh, I...
Yeah, I understand.
Yeah, it's not your problem.
I know.
It wouldn't be fair to you,
so don't even worry about it.
We'll be fine.
But, uh, hey, it was good
to see you again.
And if you ever
want to come by
and see your baby brother,
just...
just let me know.
Okay.
Okay, look,
I... I... I think...
I might have some cash
stashed away for emergencies
or in case of
a home invasion,
and this probably qualifies
as either or both.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Hey, there he is!
How'd it go?
Did you meet your bro?
Yes, I did!
So...?
What was he like?
Did he look like you?
What did he say?
Hard to tell if
he looks like me,
and I did most
of the talking.
What's wrong, dude?
You look like you've
been kicked in the nuts.
Oh, that would have
been way better.
Oh, no!
Is he a bigger asshole
than you?
What is it?
Is he, like, a political nut?
No, didn't talk politics.
Smart.
What did you guys
talk about?
Nothing.
He's a baby.
You mean like he's selfish?
Like a jerk or something?
Nope, like an actual baby.
Like a sleeping-in-a-crib,
pooping-in-a-diaper baby.
But how is that
even fucking possible?
Remember when my dad
was here
and he banged the shit
out of that waitress?
Well, their little storybook
romance bore fruit.
Ohh!
The old scumbag
made a fucking baby?
Holy shit!
Does your dad know about this?
I don't know.
Like he'd give a shit?
Loudermilk. What...
What are you gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
Uh, I'm gonna send her
some money
and not do anything.
It's not my problem.
Are you comfortable
with that?
Except for
the sending money part.
Okay, you know what? Actually,
there's an opportunity here.
How do you figure that?
Well, Sam, you're really good
at helping people, you know?
And I think it's something
that you enjoy
be...because
it gives you purpose.
Not really.
And as long as
I've known you,
you've... you've always,
you know, sort of complained
about not having anyone.
Well, now, through
a truly weird
and creepy set of
unwholesome circumstances,
you... you have someone
to live for,
you know, that actually
needs your help.
And it isn't
just some stranger
because he's your br...
He's your baby...
He's your baby brother,
which is super fucked-up.
♪♪
So, they... they finally
open up the suggestion box.
There's only one in there...
"Hal should be
less of an asshole."
Hey!
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be out
on the reservation
dealing blackjack
with your people or something.
Get this.
I get all the way out there,
and they ain't even
have a casino.
Fuck 'em.
Like, I don't care
what that test says.
All's they do is hunt
and fish all day.
That's not me.
I thought I was gonna
get out there and be so proud.
Like, how could you not
build a friggin' casino?
You found your heritage.
The Assiniboine...
Those are your people.
Your Latino family...
Those are your people
because they are you.
What are you talking about?
You have a great spirit
within you
that has been handed down
for many generations
from many different people.
You need to
embrace them all.
That's easy
for you to say, man.
You're full-blooded Tilulu.
Tilulu? From the casino?
So you're rich.
I'm an alcoholic.
Money...
It doesn't change
who you are inside.
Uh, if you're not
proud of yourself,
of who you are,
money means nothing.
But I am proud now.
So, yes, I-I am rich.
Yeah, Cloud, but your tribe
has everything.
It's not about the tribe.
It's about you,
about who you are.
You haven't accepted
any part of yourself.
And until you do,
happiness will
always be a stranger to you.
If you don't love yourself,
if you don't love your own
blood, no one can love you.
♪♪
♪♪
Oh, hey.
I thought you were Phyllis.
She's late.
Yeah, I'm sorry
I didn't call.
I-I was just
doing some errands,
and I thought I'd, uh, stop by
and see how Clyde's doing.
Yeah. Oh, too bad.
I-I just put him down.
He'd have been excited
to see you.
Uh, listen, I've been doing
a lot of thinking lately,
and I-I would
really like to be
a part of my brother's life
if, uh...
If that's okay with you.
Of course!
Oh, that would be nice!
Yeah, I... You know,
I was a little
shell-shocked before,
but, um, none of this
is that baby's fault.
Or anyone's, really.
Well, it's a little bit yours,
but, uh, you know,
the... The truth is,
is that Clyde's my family.
You don't turn your back
on flesh and blood.
He and I
are connected forever.
Yeah, especially when
you consider that
you were literally there
at the moment
of his actual conception.
Remember?
Yes, that's seared
in my brain,
along with 9/11
and the space shuttle
blowing up.
But, um, you know,
in spite of that, I just...
I... I don't want to have that
kid growing up with the kin...
I'm sorry.
What is going on up top here?
There's something
very different.
You noticed!
The... You got a boob job?
Yes!
Thanks to you,
that money that you gave me
almost covered all of it!
Are you fucking
shitting me?
That money was supposed
to be for the baby!
These are for the baby!
No.
You said it was for diapers
and clothes and doctors
and toys that didn't
come from the dump,
not... Not plastic boobs.
He's gonna have
all those things!
God, don't you see?
These are an investment.
An in... An invest...
You know what?
I have never once heard
an accountant say,
"Put all your money
in fake jugs."
Never once.
Okay, it's like this.
So, Janine at work...
She has enormous breasts.
And she always gets
twice as many tips as I do.
So one night, I was doing
some financial planning,
and I thought
to myself, "If...
If I had tits like Janine's,
"I could double
my income."
Yes, because I forgot
that you went
to Harvard Business School.
You... You think
I'm stupid.
Nope, nope.
There's somebody
in this room that's stupid,
but it's not you.
This is gonna work!
I'll show you!
I'll show you!
I'll show everyone!
A-And you'll be proud of me!
Oh, shit!
Clyde's awake!
Where is Phyllis?
Look, look, I'm sorry,
but could you just please
sit with the baby
until my sitter gets here?
What? No. I don't... I'm sure
she'll be here any minute.
I really can't wait. I took
a week off for the procedure,
and I cannot be late
on my first day back.
You don't even know me.
Why would you
trust me with him?
'Cause you're his brother.
No, can't...
can't you just
go in there
and calm him down or...?
If I go in there, he will
never go back to sleep.
He'll just be pawing at me,
trying to get at my boobs,
just like your dad.Oh, good God.
Look, I promise it won't be
more than 10 minutes.
He'll calm down if you just
sit and talk with him.
Please?
You're all I've got.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Thank you! Thank you!
Ow!
Aah, I can't hug yet.
I got to go.
Wait a second.
Wait.
What... What do I
even say to him?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
He's a baby.
Just say anything
you want.
Bye.
Hey, buddy.
How you doing?
Sam Loudermilk. I'm your,
uh, your big brother.
That sounds weird.
Um...
Yeah, I... You probably
don't remember me.
You were sleeping
but I saw you
the other night, and, uh...
It doesn't matter.
Um...
Yeah.
Hey, what do you think of
your mom's new rack, huh?
Yeah!
How you doing?
Hey,
"I decided not to cry."
What's that fuss about,
anyway?
You, uh...
You cold or scared
or...you don't feel safe?
Maybe like
nobody's listening to you
and looking out for you?
Like you're all alone in
the world and nobody cares?
Yeah, me, too.
You'll get used to it.
♪♪
♪ Come right to my house
and took me out
♪♪
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out
♪♪
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out ♪
♪♪
♪♪
I'm just a...lip virgin.
You set me up?She's a great woman.
Hi.
Dad?
What are you doing here?
Let's go get some grub.
I'm buying.
If you can't have one glass
of wine with your old man,
then you've got
bigger problems
than you know, buddy boy.
Yeah, okay.
Now you're starting to get it.
He's a good kid.
He's just going through
some heavy stuff.
Oh.
That's why I came back here...
To do what dads do.
There, there.
Let it all out.
Daddy's here.
Mm-hmm.
Hey!
Thomas the Tank Engine,
you want to keep that cloud
of poison to yourself?
Uh, no worries, man.
It's just water.
Oh, just water?
That's toxins, okay?
That's propylene
and arsenic and lead.
Saddam Hussein had fewer
chemicals than that,
and we bombed
his whole country and
strung him up like a pinata.
What do you care?
I care because
you're blowing it all over me!
And this shit
affects all of us.
Look at this poor
son of a bitch.
He probably looked
like George Clooney
before you crop-dusted him.
Hey.
Leave me out of this.
Buddy, I'm trying
to help you out.
How? By pointing out
I look like shit?
You think I don't know that?
I own a fucking mirror, pal.
Yeah, all right.
Y-You look pretty good
for your age, actually.
But this guy's
in real trouble, okay?
That nicotine there...
That... That...
That's more addictive
than heroin.
Do you know that?
And do you want to
talk about vaping?
You ever heard of
"popcorn lung"?
No. It comes in
popcorn flavor, though.
You're killing yourself,
and you look
pretty stupid doing it.
You look like the... the
"Quittin' Time" whistle
at the dipshit factory, huh?
You look like Kurt Cobain
if he lived in a lamp
and worked for Aladdin.
Is that... That the look
you're going for?
Aladdin's Genie?
Huh.
I guess I should have asked
for three wishes.
I did.
But the wrong guy disappeared.
Lately, I've been
feeling angry.
Men don't listen to me.
It's crazy.
But as a woman, I am
labeled as "weak,"
"emotional," or "needy,"
and yet in every relationship
I've ever had,
I am the strong one.
I'll never understand that.
Y-You know what?
You know what
I don't understand?
How come every time
I'm at a urinal...
Every time...
The guy next to me
just rips out this huge,
loud fart while he's pissing?
Really? I'm over here
opening up
about being a woman...
I mean, really sharing
with you guys...
And you segue it into a story
about farts?
Ooh! Ooh! Miss Big Words.
"Segue into farts."
Hold on a second, Mugsy.
I think what Claire's
trying to say here
is that women can fart, too,
and pretend
that nothing happened.
- I mean, hmm?
- Okay.
Whatever.
As scintillating
as this conversation is,
does anybody have something
on their mind
that's a little relevant?
I got something.
Go ahead, Cisco.
Have you ever
believed something,
like, your whole life
and then find out
it's not true,
like, family kind of stuff?
You mean, like, when you
tell your little brother
that he's been
adopted his whole
life but he really isn't?
Don't even...
Just go ahead.
I've always thought
I was Latino,
you know, really saw that
as my identity.
But now my grandmother
tells me that we're
part Native American.
I don't know, man.
Grandmas say
shit like that all the time.
My grandma told me
I was part Chinese.
But what if this is true?
Like, that could really change
things for me, right, Cloud?
Like, do I have to start going
to rain dances and stuff?
Oh, sun dances and powwows
are more common. Just saying.
Do you know that Indian chick
on the Land O' Lakes butter?
If you fold her knees up
just right on the box...
It looks like she's
showing her titties.
Okay.
Well, I think
that's cool, Cisco.
So, what tribe are you?I have no idea.
Well, you should find out.
If you're Tilulu,
you could own part
of the casino.
Really?
Is that true?
Slow down there,
young blood.
There are many tribes
in this region.
Do you have any documentation
of your lineage
or tribal contacts, maybe?
No.
Just what my grandma said.
Oh, probably won't fly
down at the casino.
Well, they... They might be
willing to comp him breakfast.
You could do a DNA test.
That would tell you for sure.
No, no, no, no.
I ain't doing that.
What are you scared of?
Uh, needles, dude.
You don't have to give blood.
You just spit in a thing
and mail it.
I spit into stuff
all the time.
See?
And you were scared.
Have you ever
taken a DNA test?No.
What are you scared of?
I'm not scared.
I just never took one.
Well, maybe it's time for you
to face some truth, too.
You know, walk the talk
and all that.
Okay, how about this...
How about
if you take the test,
I'll take the test?
Deal.
Okay.
Anybody else have
something to share?
♪♪
What are you doing?
For you,
a good answer would be
"applying for a job."
Ha-ha! You're a delight!
No, we're helping Cisco
with his DNA test.
Yours is all filled out
and ready to go.
Yeah, we just need you
to spit in this tube,
and then we can
mail it off.
Yeah, I'm not
taking a DNA test.
What? You told Cisco
you were gonna do it.
I was just trying
to get the kid
to do what he
wanted to do anyway.
You're a dick.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not a dick.
I'm a friend.
You know,
sometimes as a friend,
the most ethical thing to do
is to lie through your teeth
and get him to do
what's best for him.
Blah, blah, blah,
spit in the thing!
No.
Not a chance!
Look, I... I toured
with bands, okay?
Rock bands with groupies.
And booze and drugs
and groupies.
And I wasn't always
so careful.
So why do I want to
retrace my steps now?
Christ, I could
have a grown-ass kid
out there somewhere.
Holy shit, man!
You keep telling others
not to avoid their own truths,
and then you turn around
and avoid yours.
Yeah. You're right.
That is what I'm doing.
I got to work on that.
I got to work on facing
the truths in my own life.
But not today.
♪♪
It really doesn't
matter to me.
I mean, you guys know
I could give two shits
about stuff like this,
but I've noticed recently
that a lot of us
have been using
pejorative words
when describing people
different than us,
and I just think maybe we
should keep an eye on that
so no one gets offended.
Personally,
I don't give a shit.
What the hell
is he even saying?
He doesn't want us to call his
new girlfriend the "M" word.
The "M"... You're the one
who used the "M" word.
Oh, that's before
I got woke.
Well, how is that on us?
Well, I'm just trying
to be safe, okay?
Louise is coming
to pick me up later.
I don't want her
to ever hear that word.
Wow! New guy has feelings
for someone.
Ooh!
Hey, I-I'm not
interrupting, am I?Yes, you are.
Okay, good,
'cause I'm a little excited.
Cisco's DNA results
just came in.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
Okay, I'll give it to you.
Just wait a second. Hold on.Guys, guys, guys!
This is not "The Maury Povich
Show," okay?
Cisco's gonna want to
look at that in private.CISCO: Yeah.
Oh, I believe he is gonna want
to look at this in private.
Wait a second.
Did you open his mail?
'Cause that's illegal!
No, no, no, no.
I-I sent in his spit,
and I thought I would be able
to better support him
if it was bad news.
So I opened it...
Bad news?
So I just had a little...
What do you mean, dude?
Come on, man.
Shoot me straight.
Am I native American?
Yeah, I...
Dude, just give him
the fucking papers!
Okay, that's...
Holy shit!
Okay, yes.
31% Native American.
Holy shit!
Thank you.
Frame it!
Wow!
Shit!
That's...
Wow.
Welcome to the club,
brother!
Okay, Ben,
that's enough.
Let's get back
to the meeting, please.
Actually, uh,
before we get started,
would you mind if we had
a little word in private?
And, uh, young lady, I think
you might want to join us.
All right.
Um, Ed, I don't know what
the exact protocol is
or what channels
I have to go through,
but I was wondering how
I would get a...
One of those
blue penis pills.Oh.
You know, 'cause I don't know
if I have to go to a doctor
or if there's a waiting...
Here you go.
Take it a half-hour
before you need it.
So, what's
so fucking important
that you had to interrupt
the meeting?
Uh, Claire has something
to tell you.
Yes.
Loudermilk, uh,
you were right
about tricking Cisco
into doing his DNA test.
Okay.
And we hope
you feel the same
about us tricking you
into doing yours.
What are you
talking about?
Your results, sir.
Very funny. I didn't give you
any spit, remember?
True dat, but, uh, Ben got one
of your hairs from the shower,
and we mailed it in.
Huh?
Yeah, yeah,
you can do that.
It actually costs
a little more to do hair,
as opposed to spit,
but don't worry.
It's our treat.Mine, but...
It's her treat.
Bullshit.
How do you
even know it's mine?
It could be anybody's.
Well, you're the only one
with short, black, curly hair.
I don't have short,
black, curly hair.
Motherfucker!
Jesus Christ.
What's it say in here?
Do I have a kid or not?
Sam Loudermilk,
you are not a father!
'Cause you...
You said Maury Povich
in there.
Never mind.So I don't have a kid.
No.
You're sure?
Yes.
Okay.
Okay, well, I guess
that's a...
That's a...
That's a good thing to know.
It's a... That's an egregious
invasion of privacy,
but I guess I'm...
I'm glad you did it.
Okay, cool. That's great.
We're happy you feel that way.
You have a brother.
What?
Are we even sure
this is correct?
Well, it was your hair,
and we...
We checked all the boxes
regarding relatives, so...
You and your brother
Clyde must think alike
because so did he.
Uh, it's kind of magical,
if you think about it.
Like, you were both
looking for each other.
Except I wasn't
looking for him,
remember?
Okay, you know what?
What's done is done.
It doesn't change the fact
that you do have a brother,
and he's right here
in Seattle.
I just can't believe
this shit that I
actually have a brother.
What are you talking about?
Your dad was up and down
the Western Seaboard
for the past 50 years
banging anything that moves.
What's so hard
to fucking believe?
How is this guy in Seattle
the whole time
and neither of us knew?
I mean, I might have
walked by him 20 times.
I bet you did.
You should compare notes.
What do you mean,
"Compare notes"?
I'm not gonna meet him.Are you serious?
Fuck, no!
If I had a brother
here in town,
I know
I'd want to meet him.
What if he's, like,
an open-carry nut
or one of those douchebags
who thinks wearing a sombrero
to a tequila party
is a federal offense?
That should be
a federal offense.
That's cultural appropriation.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Would you wake up, Claire!
It's not a religious symbol.
It's a goddamn sun hat!
Okay, you know what?
Tell you what.
How about this?
I'll come with you.
Why are you always try...
No, I don't want you
to come with me!
I want you to stay
out of my business
and stop collecting
my fucking pubic hair!
Okay, fine!
You know what?
I'm gonna throw the rest away.
How about that?
♪♪
Okay.
Hi.
Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk.
I'm here to see Clyde.
Oh. Right. Yeah.
Sure, come on in.
Thanks.
So...is...
is he here?
Yeah, he is,
but he's sleeping.
Sleeping?
It's 2:00... 2:00 P.M.
Is he a drinker?
It's not a judgment.
I had some issues with
the bottle myself,
so, uh, it's not surprising
that he does, too...
If... If he does.
No, he doesn't.
Okay, good.
That's good.
Are you two married?
Um...ju... Just... Just wait
right there, okay?
D-Don't move.
Hello.
Wait. You're Annette?
Wow, you...
you look so familiar.
Yeah, yeah! Take it all!
Take it all! Oh, yeah!
Take it all! Yeah, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
No, no, no!
Come on! Not here!
Sorry, but, uh, someone's
sleeping on the couch.
Dad, please!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, fuck!
I'm Sam Loudermilk.
You're... You and my father,
last year, had...
Hmm.
You met at the restaurant
that you worked at, and...
You're the lobster guy!
Uh, anti-lobster guy.
I don't like lobster.
It upsets my stomach.
Yes, you were
with your father,
and you...
Mm-hmm.
So, I did everything I could
to find out who the daddy was,
but, you know, like I said,
I was going through
kind of a crazy time,
and some of the guys... I just
didn't have their numbers.
And the ones I did have, well,
none of them called me back.
Yeah, y-you don't have to
explain it to me.
People aren't very forthcoming
sometimes.
Right. That's why I did
Clyde's DNA test,
which I'm glad I did now
because,
well, I guess it worked.
I guess so.
Hey, Annette, he's awake.
Yeah? Oh, okay.
So, if Clyde's father
is your father,
that makes you Clyde's...
uncle?
Brother.
Oh! Wow!
But you're so much older
than him.
Somebody's hungry.
Clyde.
This is your brother, Sam.
Okay, I-I just never
understood this.
Why wouldn't they
name the sun?
I mean, they don't call
our planet "planet."
No, it's called Earth.
And they name all the other
planets, too.
Mars, Jupiter, Venus.
And yet our sun...
the most important part
of our solar system...
what do they call it?
The Sun!
The moon, too, right?
That deserves a name.Oh, no, no, no, no.
The moon's
a dusty piece of shit.
You sure you don't mind
if I drink?
Oh, no, no,
I like the smell.
And I can, uh,
taste it on your lips
later back at my place...
Oh!
There's a lot of things
we could do...
Later
back at your place.
I'll get the check.
Oh, let me take this.
Hey, Philly!
No way.
Yeah, of course!
Let's do it!
Okay, awesome.
That was my friend Philly.
They're gonna meet us here.
Here?
But what about all the things
I was about to taste
back at my place?
They have extra tickets
to The Shins.
No idea what that means.
It's a band.
They're good.
Don't worry, Hiram.
We're in for
a long, fun night.
I got to go to the bathroom.
♪♪
Siri, how...
How long does Viagra last?
Hiram?
Is everything okay?
Oh, totally good.
Totally good.
Here's the answer
to your question,
"How long does Viagra last?"
My Siri has Tourette's.
Why do you need Viagra?
I-I don't.
Is it me?
Oh, God, no,
it's not you.
It's... It's... It's me.
"It's not you. It's me"?
Is there a bigger cliche?
No, thi... This isn't
what you think it is.
Okay,
that's a bigger cliche.
No, no, no.
Louise, look, I like you.
I really like you, and I don't
want to disappoint you.
See, when you're over 40...
Okay, 50...
You just don't know
what's happening
all the time down there.
You scared?
Always.
Well...why don't we go
out to the car right now
and find out what is
happening down there?
Are you serious?
Oh, my God, that's great!
That's perfect!
Though, you know, 23 minutes
from now would be even better.
It still seems nuts to me
that I could hook up
with a 70-year-old man
just one night
and this could happen.
Well, it was
a hell of a night.
Are you, uh,
disappointed in me?
No, no.
I-I do think that
the both of you
could have been
a little more careful.
That's how I ended up
with my other two.
You have two other kids?
Yeah,
they're at a sleepover.
Clem's in second grade,
and Clarissa's
in kindergarten.
I guess I don't always
make the best choices
when it comes to men.
Yeah, I'd say
we're pretty much
reading the large print
on that one.
But I am ready to
do things differently.
I-I want to make a good life
for Clyde,
which is why I was hoping you
could help me find his dad...
Your dad.
Yeah, well, good luck
with that.
I mean,
I'll give you a number,
but trying to find my dad
is like trying to find Waldo,
if Waldo had his pants down
and owed everybody money.
I tried calling his number
so many times.
I figured it would
be hard to locate him
since he told me
he was in the FBI.
Wait, no, this says,
"Jack Flash...
Federal Bikini Inspector."
Oh, I didn't notice that.
That's pretty funny.
It looks so official.
Um, how are you doing this
all by yourself?
You getting by?
Oh, yeah, I'm...
You know, pretty much.
We have enough
for baby food, and I get
a shift meal at work.
And most of Clyde's stuff
I just get from the Dumptique.
What's that?
What's a Dumptique?
That's a little shack
at the dump
where they pull stuff out
that's still kind of good.
I find a lot
of baby toys there.
That's why I was hoping to
get some help from your dad,
or, you know, anyone.
Um...how much
do you need?
$5,000.
Mm. Hmm.
I know. I know.
It's a lot of money,
but it would
really help me baby-proof
this whole place
and get some new toys
and a safer crib
and help pay for
the doctor visits,
especially the doctor visits,
and babysitting, too.
Look, I feel bad. I do.
But I don't have
a lot of money, either.
Oh. Oh, I...
Yeah, I understand.
Yeah, it's not your problem.
I know.
It wouldn't be fair to you,
so don't even worry about it.
We'll be fine.
But, uh, hey, it was good
to see you again.
And if you ever
want to come by
and see your baby brother,
just...
just let me know.
Okay.
Okay, look,
I... I... I think...
I might have some cash
stashed away for emergencies
or in case of
a home invasion,
and this probably qualifies
as either or both.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Hey, there he is!
How'd it go?
Did you meet your bro?
Yes, I did!
So...?
What was he like?
Did he look like you?
What did he say?
Hard to tell if
he looks like me,
and I did most
of the talking.
What's wrong, dude?
You look like you've
been kicked in the nuts.
Oh, that would have
been way better.
Oh, no!
Is he a bigger asshole
than you?
What is it?
Is he, like, a political nut?
No, didn't talk politics.
Smart.
What did you guys
talk about?
Nothing.
He's a baby.
You mean like he's selfish?
Like a jerk or something?
Nope, like an actual baby.
Like a sleeping-in-a-crib,
pooping-in-a-diaper baby.
But how is that
even fucking possible?
Remember when my dad
was here
and he banged the shit
out of that waitress?
Well, their little storybook
romance bore fruit.
Ohh!
The old scumbag
made a fucking baby?
Holy shit!
Does your dad know about this?
I don't know.
Like he'd give a shit?
Loudermilk. What...
What are you gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
Uh, I'm gonna send her
some money
and not do anything.
It's not my problem.
Are you comfortable
with that?
Except for
the sending money part.
Okay, you know what? Actually,
there's an opportunity here.
How do you figure that?
Well, Sam, you're really good
at helping people, you know?
And I think it's something
that you enjoy
be...because
it gives you purpose.
Not really.
And as long as
I've known you,
you've... you've always,
you know, sort of complained
about not having anyone.
Well, now, through
a truly weird
and creepy set of
unwholesome circumstances,
you... you have someone
to live for,
you know, that actually
needs your help.
And it isn't
just some stranger
because he's your br...
He's your baby...
He's your baby brother,
which is super fucked-up.
♪♪
So, they... they finally
open up the suggestion box.
There's only one in there...
"Hal should be
less of an asshole."
Hey!
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be out
on the reservation
dealing blackjack
with your people or something.
Get this.
I get all the way out there,
and they ain't even
have a casino.
Fuck 'em.
Like, I don't care
what that test says.
All's they do is hunt
and fish all day.
That's not me.
I thought I was gonna
get out there and be so proud.
Like, how could you not
build a friggin' casino?
You found your heritage.
The Assiniboine...
Those are your people.
Your Latino family...
Those are your people
because they are you.
What are you talking about?
You have a great spirit
within you
that has been handed down
for many generations
from many different people.
You need to
embrace them all.
That's easy
for you to say, man.
You're full-blooded Tilulu.
Tilulu? From the casino?
So you're rich.
I'm an alcoholic.
Money...
It doesn't change
who you are inside.
Uh, if you're not
proud of yourself,
of who you are,
money means nothing.
But I am proud now.
So, yes, I-I am rich.
Yeah, Cloud, but your tribe
has everything.
It's not about the tribe.
It's about you,
about who you are.
You haven't accepted
any part of yourself.
And until you do,
happiness will
always be a stranger to you.
If you don't love yourself,
if you don't love your own
blood, no one can love you.
♪♪
♪♪
Oh, hey.
I thought you were Phyllis.
She's late.
Yeah, I'm sorry
I didn't call.
I-I was just
doing some errands,
and I thought I'd, uh, stop by
and see how Clyde's doing.
Yeah. Oh, too bad.
I-I just put him down.
He'd have been excited
to see you.
Uh, listen, I've been doing
a lot of thinking lately,
and I-I would
really like to be
a part of my brother's life
if, uh...
If that's okay with you.
Of course!
Oh, that would be nice!
Yeah, I... You know,
I was a little
shell-shocked before,
but, um, none of this
is that baby's fault.
Or anyone's, really.
Well, it's a little bit yours,
but, uh, you know,
the... The truth is,
is that Clyde's my family.
You don't turn your back
on flesh and blood.
He and I
are connected forever.
Yeah, especially when
you consider that
you were literally there
at the moment
of his actual conception.
Remember?
Yes, that's seared
in my brain,
along with 9/11
and the space shuttle
blowing up.
But, um, you know,
in spite of that, I just...
I... I don't want to have that
kid growing up with the kin...
I'm sorry.
What is going on up top here?
There's something
very different.
You noticed!
The... You got a boob job?
Yes!
Thanks to you,
that money that you gave me
almost covered all of it!
Are you fucking
shitting me?
That money was supposed
to be for the baby!
These are for the baby!
No.
You said it was for diapers
and clothes and doctors
and toys that didn't
come from the dump,
not... Not plastic boobs.
He's gonna have
all those things!
God, don't you see?
These are an investment.
An in... An invest...
You know what?
I have never once heard
an accountant say,
"Put all your money
in fake jugs."
Never once.
Okay, it's like this.
So, Janine at work...
She has enormous breasts.
And she always gets
twice as many tips as I do.
So one night, I was doing
some financial planning,
and I thought
to myself, "If...
If I had tits like Janine's,
"I could double
my income."
Yes, because I forgot
that you went
to Harvard Business School.
You... You think
I'm stupid.
Nope, nope.
There's somebody
in this room that's stupid,
but it's not you.
This is gonna work!
I'll show you!
I'll show you!
I'll show everyone!
A-And you'll be proud of me!
Oh, shit!
Clyde's awake!
Where is Phyllis?
Look, look, I'm sorry,
but could you just please
sit with the baby
until my sitter gets here?
What? No. I don't... I'm sure
she'll be here any minute.
I really can't wait. I took
a week off for the procedure,
and I cannot be late
on my first day back.
You don't even know me.
Why would you
trust me with him?
'Cause you're his brother.
No, can't...
can't you just
go in there
and calm him down or...?
If I go in there, he will
never go back to sleep.
He'll just be pawing at me,
trying to get at my boobs,
just like your dad.Oh, good God.
Look, I promise it won't be
more than 10 minutes.
He'll calm down if you just
sit and talk with him.
Please?
You're all I've got.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Thank you! Thank you!
Ow!
Aah, I can't hug yet.
I got to go.
Wait a second.
Wait.
What... What do I
even say to him?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
He's a baby.
Just say anything
you want.
Bye.
Hey, buddy.
How you doing?
Sam Loudermilk. I'm your,
uh, your big brother.
That sounds weird.
Um...
Yeah, I... You probably
don't remember me.
You were sleeping
but I saw you
the other night, and, uh...
It doesn't matter.
Um...
Yeah.
Hey, what do you think of
your mom's new rack, huh?
Yeah!
How you doing?
Hey,
"I decided not to cry."
What's that fuss about,
anyway?
You, uh...
You cold or scared
or...you don't feel safe?
Maybe like
nobody's listening to you
and looking out for you?
Like you're all alone in
the world and nobody cares?
Yeah, me, too.
You'll get used to it.
♪♪
♪ Come right to my house
and took me out
♪♪
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out
♪♪
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out
♪ Took me out ♪
♪♪
♪♪