Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Our Lips Are Sealed - full transcript
You couldn't leave Waffles
back at the mansion
for two hours?
It's good to see
you haven't changed much.
Still jousting with strangers
over absolutely nothing.
Are you lumberjacks?
We're musicians, asshole.
You're an asshole.
You're a total dick, man.
I push people away, and it's
something I gotta work on,
'cause it only hurts me.
And I gotta work on
getting along with you
and the world at large.
I'm a critic with
an impeccable reputation.
I'm a published author,
for Christ sakes.
Huh?
I'm somebody...ish.
You haven't written
anything in, like, years.
I could if wanted.
Well, then do it.
I think you're onto
something, Claire.
Appreciate you letting me
drag you along on my hike,
but slow the fuck down,
Sonic the Hedgehog.
If I was walking any slower,
I'd be standing.
I'm not even
working up a sweat.
I'm sweating plenty.
You sweat
when you read.
Yeah. So do 10 million
other James Patterson fans.
Besides,
I have hyperhidrosis.
Hyperhidr...
You don't have that.
It's not a real thing.
It is, too, ignor-anus.
I'll prove it do you.
Hey.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
Uh, I didn't think
that I was being cryptic,
but I'll try again.
What are you doing?
Expressing myself.
On a rock?
Yeah.
Look, I hate all graffiti,
but at least do it
on a fucking building
or a subway car.
Okay, what are you,
the graffiti Gestapo?
So, what...
What do we have here?
What do we have?
"As she dances
in the bandwidth...
"...of her redolent frown."
What does that mean?
Wow.
Do not click on images
when you look up
"hyperhidrosis."
Stand by. Seriously, what...
What does that mean?
Uh, I think it's
pretty self-explanatory.
Yeah. You...
You couldn't explain that
if you had a gun
and a dick pointed at ya.
And a dick.
Okay, maybe you're just
not smart enough to get it.
Oh, well,
enlighten me, Banksy.
Okay.
Uh...
Okay, well, it's
about a... A girl,
and she's dancing,
and she's frowning.
She's dancing,
and she's frowning.
Got that.
And, you know, the...
She... The...
She has the bandwidth.
The bandwidth of her life
in a post-Trump...
Fuck, I don't know
what it means, man.
No, I didn't think so,
'cause it's horse shit.
Trust me, I know
what I'm talking about.
I have a pretty good nose for
sniffing out people who are,
how do I put this kindly,
totally bereft of talent.
Wow.
No, you're right.
I thought maybe
I was a poet, but...
I guess...
I guess
my father was right.
I'm nothing.
There ya go.
Don't you think you were
a little hard on that dude?
What dude?
That...
That dude.
Oh, no.
One thing
I know about artists,
they have thick skin.
♪♪
So there I was,
face-to-face with Liz Solomon,
first time I've seen her
since high school.
Jesus,
she's even prettier now.
I contacted her
because she's an artist
and I wanted to commission
a painting of my cat.
Only a pussy would order
a painting of a pussy.
I'd order a painting
of a pussy.
Okay, if you must know,
I wasn't only ordering
the painting
just to pay homage
to my cat.
I was using it as an excuse
to get in touch with Liz.
See, I set up
a Google alert, "Liz Solomon
divorce" years ago.
And it finally went off.
Good news.
Oh, I had such a crush
on this girl.
I thought
she had one on me, too.
But then when I went
to pick up my painting
last night,
she didn't remember the inside
joke we had in English class,
and she got my name wrong,
first and last.
Well, what did you expect?
You haven't been
to high school for 50 years.
- Forty years.
- Okay.
Hey, chin up, man.
Unrequited love
gets a bad rap.
How so?
Well, because it's actually
the only kind of love
that doesn't
break your heart.
Unlike requited love,
which will tear it out
and shit on it.
I don't understand.
Why are you
so obsessed with her?
I'm not obsessed.
Then why do you
look so sad?
I'm not sad.
This is just my face.
I'd be sad, too,
if I had a face like that.
Fuck you.
Ooh.
♪♪
Rog?
Rog?
Hey.
Didn't hear you there.
Do you have a minute?
Th-There's something
I-I need to talk about.
Maybe I should go
and get Loudermilk.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I don't want him
to know my secrets.
But he's our leader,
and he can help you
much more than I can.
No, you don't...
You don't get it.
I-I've never told this
to anyone.
Well?
Look, I know I've talked
a big game,
but I haven't really
banged Rihanna.
Or fingered
Kristin Chenoweth.
I'm disappointed.
There I was living
vicariously through you.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Sorry.
See, what got me so down
about seeing that woman
from high school
was realizing how little
my life had changed.
I mean, professionally,
yeah, I'm killing it.
I'm T. rex
with a monster cock.
But, romantically,
not so much.
Tony and Cisco were right.
You're a virgin.
That's crazy.
It's laughable.
I'm just a...
Lip virgin.
What, you mean you've never
gone down on a woman.
Good God, no. Bathroom parts
go with bathroom parts.
But that's not
what I meant.
I meant I've never, uh...
I-I've never
kissed a woman.
What, never?
But how can you have
had sex with a woman
and never been kissed?
Okay, look, I've only
had intercourse
with professional women.
By professional, I don't mean
women with careers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I got it.
See, prostitutes
won't let you kiss them.
Yeah, maybe you should
be talking about this
with Loudermilk.
It may be the reason
you did meth.
No, no, no.
You can't tell a soul.
This... Roger, this is
too fuckin' embarrassing.
Well, why are
you telling me?
I don't know.
I needed to tell somebody.
And I feel safe with you
because, you know,
you don't have
complete arms.
No, I...
That came out wrong.
I just meant me and you, like,
we're one of a kind
because we've both been fucked
so badly by God.
No, it's not just that.
You're smarter
and more sensitive
than anybody
in that group,
and you've got
that beautiful accent.
And, look,
can you please help me?
Roger,
you're my best friend.
I'm sorry, man, I can't.
Look, my mum is ill.
Seriously ill, and I've gotta
go back to England
to look after her
for a while.
Yeah, yeah,
that's good for you.
But what about me?
Don't worry.
I'll make sure you get
what you need.
Phew.
I can't believe you dragged me
all the way back here
to look for
a God damn headband.
That headband was a gift
from my pickle ball team.
It's very special,
thanks.
Well, I'll buy you
another one.
I don't even remember
you wearing a head...
What's pickle ball?
You don't know
what pickle ball is?
Well, it's a cross
between tennis and badminton.
It's normally played on grass,
turf, dirt, or sand.
What the
fuck's he doing now?
I told you you were
too hard on the dude.
Now he's gonna
kill himself.
Huh?
No, you don't know that.
He could just be looking
for a better view.
Really? Okay, then
why did he write,
"Goodbye, world,"
on the rocks, then?
I don't know.
Oh, boy.
Shit.
Okay.
Go talk to him, man.
This is your fault.
Yeah... My fault?
I shit on the guy for,
like, 30 seconds.
Obviously,
he had prior issues
or he wouldn't be writing
that drivel on rocks.
Hey, hey, buddy. What...
What are you doing?
I'm about to jump to my death
because of you, asshole!
The least you could do
is wish me good luck!
Come on down from there.
Don't do anything stupid.
Oh, so now
I'm stupid, too?
No, I said don't do
anything stupid.
Look, I was a jerk
earlier, okay?
I... Your bandwidth poem
is actually pretty...
Pretty... Pretty good.
Oh, don't patronize me.
No?
Okay, 'cause it sucked.
Uh, you fucking misspelled
"bandwidth."
How do you know
how to spell "redolent"?
I thought it was great.
You're a wonderful writer!
You have a gift!
No.
No, your friend's right.
It's a joke!
I'm a joke.
I can't even
kill myself right.
I've been up here
since this morning
because I don't have
the balls to jump.
Sure, you do!
I mean, you... You have...
You have balls, you know.
You got lots of balls,
and you're gonna do
lots of great stuff, okay?
But you're
not gonna do this.
Because...
Because why?
Plenty of reasons.
I mean,
you're thin, okay.
I mean, shit, I wish
I had your metabolism.
There's one reason
right there.
And you don't have
hyperhidrosis.
That's for sure.
You're out here in the sun.
You seem to be cool
as a cucumber.
I'm jealous.
Look, I don't know
your full deal, buddy,
but, you know,
we all go through shit.
And we all think that life
can't get any better.
But it... It...
It can.
Well, that's all you got?
Oh, I'm jumping.
Oh, no, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!Whoa, whoa, hey, don't, no!
He's just war...
He's warming up.
Listen, it's not just you
that would be hurt, okay?
Think about the people
who care about you.
Oh, strike two!
No one cares about me!
I have to go
to restaurants,
even movies alone!
All right, well, if that's
what this is about,
come on down.
I'll go to a movie
with ya.
Which movie?
You pick it.
Just none of that
comic-book bullshit.
When?
Thursday.
Well, I mean, I might
have to move a few things
around, but...
Yes.
Fuck it, let's do it!
All right!
Super.
Yeah!
You're gonna live!
Oh.
Can I have some help
getting down?
♪ The sidewalk bends
where your house ends
♪ Like the neighborhood
is on its knees
♪ Surrounded by
a chain-link fence
♪ Keeps me out but lets me see
♪ But someday
when my heart exhales
♪ I'll tell you everything
♪ Those sweet words
spilling all about us
♪ I'll say, "Please
Please be with me"
♪ And I'll breathe so easily
♪ But instead
I'm turning blue
♪ I look at you
and keep my... ♪
What are
you guys doing here?
Roger told us
about your lady problems.
I told him
not to tell anyone.
We really want to help.
Okay, okay,
but nobody else, okay?
This just stays within...
Within our gang.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Don't be ashamed,
New Guy.
Look, it's obvious you made
a success of yourself somehow.
And maybe you haven't had time
for a social life.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, let's go with that.
Hey! What the fuck
is he doing here?
Yeah, he was, uh,
eavesdropping on my
conversation with Cloud.
Hey, man.
15-foot rule.
If you don't whisper,
it's rude for anybody
within 15 feet not to listen.
Am I too late?
What did I miss?
This is fucking absurd!
You know what's absurd?
That you prize secrecy
over assistance.
These guys are here to help
you pop your lip cherry, man.
Yeah.
I don't want his help.
Oh, I see.
Okay, you don't want my help.
All right, then I guess
I'll just call that chick back
who I set you up with
and tell her it's off, hmm?
What, you set me up?
Why?
Listen,
I'm not a religious man,
but I do believe
that good pussy can
save a man's soul.
And I also thought if I could
get somebody somewhere
to want to kiss you
consensually,
maybe you'd be a little bit
less of a turd all the time.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, Mugsy.
That...
That was nice of you.
Yeah.
And she's a great woman.
Tons in common with you.
Mmm.
Except she's good-looking.
Ooh.
Damn, she's early.
She's here? Why didn't you
tell me she's on her way?
Because I didn't want
to stress you out.
I'm stressed now!
Oh, how do I look?
How do I look?
Don't make us answer
that question.
We want to send you
on the date with confidence.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
What the hell
are you doing?
You don't throw a Hail Mary
on the first play of the game.
Give me that!
Okay, hey.
Hey, a little privacy,
please.
Backyard.
Backyard!
Oh.
Hi.
Hello.
Um, am I early?
Oh, no.
No.
Um, oh, you know what?
One of my...
One of my cats
just got out.
Could... Could you just stay
there for a second, please?Oh, God, can I help?
No.
No, no, thank you.
That's really sweet of you,
but if you could just, like,
stay right there, please,
in case my cat rings,
you know, the... The doorbell.
What the fuck?
Hey, what are you
so upset about?
She's a midget!
Hey, the correct term
is "little person."
Don't be a racist.
No, no, no,
he can call her that
'cause he's one himself.
Yeah, like you guys
can call each other...
Bro.
Guys, I'm not
a little person.
What?
What are you talking about?
Well, I'm saying that
I'm not a little person.
You're telling me
you're not a little person?
No!
All right,
well, God damn!
I don't know
what the cutoff is?
I'm sorry.
What the fuck are you doing
in my pool in your underwear?
You said to make
yourselves at home.
Plus, I was sweaty.
I never said anything
remotely like that.
God, what the fuck am I
gonna do about this girl?
Tell her you're out of town.
She just saw me!
Then tell her
you're going out of town.
I can't cancel.
She'll know it's 'cause
of her height. Look...
I know what it's like
to have a date cancel
at the last second
based on how you look.
This is what you do.
You go on the date, and when
you're out, you pick a fight.
Right? You won't have to
see her again,
and that way, she won't know
that you're a height-ist.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Pick a fight like a gentleman.
That could work,
yes, thank you.
The Wonder-Chopper,
a blade so sharp,
you'll wonder
what it can't cut.
Garlic, tomatoes,
carrots, potatoes.
If you eat it, the...
How do you guys
watch this crap?
It's a commercial.
You don't even know
what the fuck we're watching.
I don't have to.
It's TV. It all sucks.
Oh, does it?
How about Survivor?
And Buddy 'n' Andy.
And why aren't you dressed?
What are you talking about?
You're wearing sweatpants.
I didn't realize
we had a dress code.
No, it's Thursday.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
You promised suicide guy
you'd take him to dinner
and a movie tonight.
So?
It's a guy on a ledge.
You say
whatever you have to.
It's not binding.
Yes, it is.
Besides,
he sounded really nice.
When did you talk to him?
When Ben called him to confirm
your plans for tonight.
How do you even
have his number?
We exchanged numbers,
dude.
That's what you do
after a suicide attempt.
Fuck, man.
All right, so you go
hang out with him.
No, no. Suicide guy
is your friend, not mine.
You're the one who's got him
on speed dial.
Hey, look, the guy
might be a psycho.
I don't want to hang out
with him alone.
Okay.
All right, fine.
You know what?
I'll go with ya.
How's that?
This is
a nice restaurant.
Thank you.
Yeah, no worries.
So who did you vote for?
Pardon?
You a Trumpy, like me?
I love that guy.
He sure does what he says
he's gonna do, huh?
I...guess.
I wish he'd build a wall
at the Canadian border.
Many Canadians are rapists,
too, you know.
You're joking, right?
Oh, no, that's how
I really feel.
I find Canadians to be
really, really sleazy.
Um, hey, what's... What's
your view on arming teachers?
Idiotic.
Oh, idiotic, huh?
Sure, sure.
Bury your head in the sand.
Um...
Oh, hey, what do you think
about this
climate change bullshit?
Why are you
asking me this?
That's how you
get to know a person,
by asking them questions.
And why did you insist
on this table?
In a few seconds,
we're gonna be able to
smell what he ordered.
I'm doing really lousy
on this date, aren't I?
Well, you know,
I totally understand
if you never wanted
to see me again.
Is it just me,
or do you find
that gay people
are getting more
and more uppity?
If you want to end this date,
just say the word.
You don't have to go through
this stupid charade.
It's not a charade.
You think I'm an idiot?
I'm totally fine
with leaving.
I could be home right now,
snuggling with my cat,
watching the Penguins game.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You like
the Pittsburgh Penguins?
Love 'em.
Oh, my God,
they're my team, too.
Good for you.
No, I...
You don't understand.
I'm obsessed with them.
Of course you are.
Everyone jumped on
the bandwagon once
they started winning again.
I was born in Pittsburgh.
I'm a true fan.
So am I.
I've liked them since they
were absolutely terrible.
Their logo and name
was so ridiculous,
and I like any team
rooted in tragedy.
What do you mean?
Oh, you know, their first
great player, Michel Briere.
He had an awesome
rookie year,
and then he got killed
in a car crash right
after the season.
He even scored a playoff
overtime goal that year.
Oh, wow.
Please, please,
please sit back down.
♪♪
Sorry, amigo.
Too late.
Took the wind
out of my sails.
Oh, no. Sorry.
Just...
I'm sorry, Louise.
Just, look,
I know I fucked this up.
I just get so nervous
on first dates,
second and third dates,
too, and...
Could... Could we please
just start this date again?
Please.
Sure.
What the hell?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
You know what?
I-I-I'm... What I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna go over
to the maitre d',
and I'm gonna make sure
that we get a table
not so close
to the shitter.
Who says
chivalry is dead?
You said I could choose.
Yeah, but seriously,
nobody wants to see the sequel
to Three Billboards.
What?
That was a classic.
Okay, okay, so then,
how come in that
timeless classic
Sam Rockwell's character
throws a guy through a window
and beats him to death
in broad daylight
and doesn't go to prison?
And why does he
run into a fire
instead of out of the fire
when the cop station burns?
And why does a cop just take
Peter Dinklage at his word
when he alibis Fran McDormand
for starting the fire?
And why does she dress
like a grease monkey
even though she works
in a gift shop?
And what's the deal
with the bad guy
living in Idaho
and hanging out in Missouri?
Don't even get me started
on Woody's wife.
I thought you were just
a graffiti snob.
You're a movie snob, too.
Yeah, I'm versatile.
I can't believe your
all-time favorite Penguin
is Evgeni Malkin, too.
Why? He's incredible!
Yeah, but you know what?
Everybody else says
Crosby or Lemieux.
Well, Geno has a flair
about him
and a cool sense of humor.
Yes, exactly.
He's playful yet dry.
Well, this is me.
Oh, well... I had a really
good time tonight.
Me too.
Good night.
Yeah.
Fuck!
And then, dude, the part
where Frances McDormand
called the rabbi
a pedophile.
I can't believe
you guys liked that.
Oh, wow,
stop the presses.
Robbie Rotten Tomatoes
didn't like something.
Robbie Rotten Tomatoes.
That's you.
That's great, if you
don't mind a ride on
the plot-hole express.
You are such an asshole,
you know that?
Yes, I do.
Do you have any idea how hard
it is to create anything?
A movie, a song,
a poem on a rock?
I bet you never
created anything
in your whole life.
Well, no, no.
That's not fair.
Actually,
Loudermilk wrote a book.
What, a novel?
No, he used to be
a music critic.
He wrote a book about
the worst songs ever written.
Okay.
Okay, now it's all
coming together.
You're a critic!
Every critic was
a failed something.
And the more you scream about
how much everything sucks,
the less of a loser
you feel like.
You don't know what...
Go spray it on a rock.
Wait. You said
he used to be a critic.
What do you do now?
Clean toilets?
No, I don't
clean toilets.
Yeah. He cleans the floors
at the bank.
Wow.
That is pathetic.
I can't believe
I beat you to the ledge.
Hey, what other
Frances McDormand
movies do you like?
♪♪
Hey, here he comes.
Oh.
Well? You pop
your lip cherry?
Eh, sort of.
What do you mean
"sort of"?
You either did
or you didn't.
I had the best date
of my life last night.
This woman is amazing!
She likes cats and hockey.
I was all set to give her
a kiss, and I... I did this.
Jesus.
You did that?
With her?
Yeah, I know, I know.
It was a wuss move.
And she wanted me
to kiss her.
No, no.
That's like shaking hands
with a bowl of pudding.
Look, I know your hand just
came out of a cast, but damn!
No, no, no, my... My hand's
back at full strength.
Here. Come on,
shake my hand.
Oh, oh, ho! Ho!
That's like a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich
dipped in milk.
That's better.
Well, how come
no one's ever told me
my handshake sucks before?
'Cause they're not
your friends.
And you guys are?
No.
No.
What am I gonna do?
I-I really like this girl.
I don't want her
to just be my first.
I want her
to be more than that.
Tell you broke your hand
jerking off.
Tony,
that's so fucking stupid!
I like this girl.
I don't want to lie
to her anymore.
And she'd never believe
my dick was big enough
to cause breakage.
Would she?
No.
You know what?
I got it. I got it.
Tell her you went to
the batting cages, right?
You were working
on your swing,
and you check it, right?
And you sprained
your hand.
You lost all masculine
hand-shaking power.
Plausible.
Good one.
No, no, that's stupid.
I'm just gonna be straight
with her.
Tell her how I feel.
Show her the real me.
♪ I finally stopped time
♪ So we don't have to...
Learning how to
check your swing
is such an important part
of not striking out,
and even though I don't play
in any leagues right...
Can we please not talk
about this anymore?
Oh, okay, sure.
What do you want
to talk about?
I don't know.
Anything but why
your handshake
is so pathetic.
You think my
handshake's pathetic?
No, you said it was
pathetic, remember?
And for the last 20 minutes,
you've been explaining why.
Okay, so you didn't think
my handshake was pathetic?
I was sure that's why
you ran for the door,
because of
my flaccid handshake.
No.
Oh.
Okay, good.
Then why did you run?
Okay, it was
a combination
of that
and the fact that you
kind of choked when
we were gonna kiss.
But then I thought, "So what
if he doesn't have the nuts
to make the first move?"
I mean, in our new world,
a guy initiating anything
is seen as aggressive
or predatory.
Thank you,
Harvey Weinstein.
It's all bullshit, anyway.
Why does the man have to be
the stronger one?
Oh, you are preaching
to the choir, baby.
I'm glad you called.
I've been thinking
about you a lot.
You have?
I-I've been thinking
about you a lot, too.
♪ To have you around
♪ To have you around
Is it okay
if I make the first move?
Oh, God, yes, please.
♪ Her smile is like a beacon
♪ When it lights up, I can
see her for a hundred miles
♪ Her love controls
the seasons
♪ When she's with me, I'm
the weather on a tropic isle
♪♪
♪ Oh, I don't
need much help... ♪
Jesus!
The fuck are you doing up?
I'm staking out the kitchen
to see where you've
been hiding the Ho-Hos.
Success.
That's not really why
you're awake, is it?
No, I just...
I can't go to sleep.
I...
Oh.
I keep thinking about what
your buddy said about critics
and being
failed somethings.
Maybe he's right.
This is the part where you
say something sponsor-y.
Want a half a Ho-Ho?
Well, what do you care
what Suicide Guy says anyway?
I don't.
Unless it's true.
You know,
I started a new book.
Oh, really?
What, a fiction or just
another list of people
and stuff that bugs you?
No, it's a book book.
I've been working on it
a couple of months.
I got
a terrific first line.
Hmm.
"If you've ever
almost killed your wife
"in a drunken,
bloody car wreck, read on."
That's...
Great.
Why'd you pause
before "great"?
No, that was a...
That was a Ho-Ho burp.
I actually think
that's really great.
Yeah, thanks.
That's all I have, though.
I can't get past
the second sentence.
You know?
It's... When I was writing
reviews, it was different,
okay?
'Cause I would just
respond to something,
and it was either good
or it was shit,
and that's all
I had to say was which one.
Fucking things
wrote themselves.
But with this, I don't know
what I'm responding to
except whatever
comes into my head,
and everything that comes
into my head is shit.
I-I can't delete it
fast enough.
Well, maybe you should
leave it for a while.
Huh?
You know, it's like, um,
the music that you love,
right?
Those artists
don't just make some shit
and it's perfect,
and then off they go with it.
You know, they make
some shit, and it's shitty,
so they leave it there,
and they work
on something else.
And meanwhile, this shit
sort of starts to make
some more sense,
and then by the time they're
working on this new shit,
the old shit's ready,
you know, 'cause it's shit,
so it fertilizes itself.
And you take the old shit
and the new shit,
and pretty soon, you know, you
got this... This ball of shit,
and that's all art really is,
is just working on some shit
until it gets less...
Shitty.
Huh.
Yeah, that's...
Yeah. Yeah.
I think you're right.
That's...
Not at all what I do,
you know?
I fucking look at it
and blast the hell out of it
as soon as it hits the page.
What I got to do
is get out of my head,
stop being so God damn
precious about it.
Well, if you ask me,
I think that's it right there.
But, regardless, probably
be a good idea
for you to stay up
all night in the dark
beating yourself up
about beating yourself up
about it.
I'll get the light for you.
Good night.
Good night.
♪♪
♪ He looks over his shoulder
♪ Fears of getting older
♪ She says, "Oh, come over"
♪ "Come a little closer"
♪ He looks out the window
♪ Tears fall as the wind blows
♪ Step off into a frenzy
♪ Isn't love worth plenty?
♪ Oh, no more crying
♪ No more crying
♪ No more crying
♪ No more crying
♪♪
♪ Now his heart beats faster
♪ Knows he won't outlast her
♪ She sits by the window
♪ Lets all of the pain go ♪
♪♪
back at the mansion
for two hours?
It's good to see
you haven't changed much.
Still jousting with strangers
over absolutely nothing.
Are you lumberjacks?
We're musicians, asshole.
You're an asshole.
You're a total dick, man.
I push people away, and it's
something I gotta work on,
'cause it only hurts me.
And I gotta work on
getting along with you
and the world at large.
I'm a critic with
an impeccable reputation.
I'm a published author,
for Christ sakes.
Huh?
I'm somebody...ish.
You haven't written
anything in, like, years.
I could if wanted.
Well, then do it.
I think you're onto
something, Claire.
Appreciate you letting me
drag you along on my hike,
but slow the fuck down,
Sonic the Hedgehog.
If I was walking any slower,
I'd be standing.
I'm not even
working up a sweat.
I'm sweating plenty.
You sweat
when you read.
Yeah. So do 10 million
other James Patterson fans.
Besides,
I have hyperhidrosis.
Hyperhidr...
You don't have that.
It's not a real thing.
It is, too, ignor-anus.
I'll prove it do you.
Hey.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
Uh, I didn't think
that I was being cryptic,
but I'll try again.
What are you doing?
Expressing myself.
On a rock?
Yeah.
Look, I hate all graffiti,
but at least do it
on a fucking building
or a subway car.
Okay, what are you,
the graffiti Gestapo?
So, what...
What do we have here?
What do we have?
"As she dances
in the bandwidth...
"...of her redolent frown."
What does that mean?
Wow.
Do not click on images
when you look up
"hyperhidrosis."
Stand by. Seriously, what...
What does that mean?
Uh, I think it's
pretty self-explanatory.
Yeah. You...
You couldn't explain that
if you had a gun
and a dick pointed at ya.
And a dick.
Okay, maybe you're just
not smart enough to get it.
Oh, well,
enlighten me, Banksy.
Okay.
Uh...
Okay, well, it's
about a... A girl,
and she's dancing,
and she's frowning.
She's dancing,
and she's frowning.
Got that.
And, you know, the...
She... The...
She has the bandwidth.
The bandwidth of her life
in a post-Trump...
Fuck, I don't know
what it means, man.
No, I didn't think so,
'cause it's horse shit.
Trust me, I know
what I'm talking about.
I have a pretty good nose for
sniffing out people who are,
how do I put this kindly,
totally bereft of talent.
Wow.
No, you're right.
I thought maybe
I was a poet, but...
I guess...
I guess
my father was right.
I'm nothing.
There ya go.
Don't you think you were
a little hard on that dude?
What dude?
That...
That dude.
Oh, no.
One thing
I know about artists,
they have thick skin.
♪♪
So there I was,
face-to-face with Liz Solomon,
first time I've seen her
since high school.
Jesus,
she's even prettier now.
I contacted her
because she's an artist
and I wanted to commission
a painting of my cat.
Only a pussy would order
a painting of a pussy.
I'd order a painting
of a pussy.
Okay, if you must know,
I wasn't only ordering
the painting
just to pay homage
to my cat.
I was using it as an excuse
to get in touch with Liz.
See, I set up
a Google alert, "Liz Solomon
divorce" years ago.
And it finally went off.
Good news.
Oh, I had such a crush
on this girl.
I thought
she had one on me, too.
But then when I went
to pick up my painting
last night,
she didn't remember the inside
joke we had in English class,
and she got my name wrong,
first and last.
Well, what did you expect?
You haven't been
to high school for 50 years.
- Forty years.
- Okay.
Hey, chin up, man.
Unrequited love
gets a bad rap.
How so?
Well, because it's actually
the only kind of love
that doesn't
break your heart.
Unlike requited love,
which will tear it out
and shit on it.
I don't understand.
Why are you
so obsessed with her?
I'm not obsessed.
Then why do you
look so sad?
I'm not sad.
This is just my face.
I'd be sad, too,
if I had a face like that.
Fuck you.
Ooh.
♪♪
Rog?
Rog?
Hey.
Didn't hear you there.
Do you have a minute?
Th-There's something
I-I need to talk about.
Maybe I should go
and get Loudermilk.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I don't want him
to know my secrets.
But he's our leader,
and he can help you
much more than I can.
No, you don't...
You don't get it.
I-I've never told this
to anyone.
Well?
Look, I know I've talked
a big game,
but I haven't really
banged Rihanna.
Or fingered
Kristin Chenoweth.
I'm disappointed.
There I was living
vicariously through you.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Sorry.
See, what got me so down
about seeing that woman
from high school
was realizing how little
my life had changed.
I mean, professionally,
yeah, I'm killing it.
I'm T. rex
with a monster cock.
But, romantically,
not so much.
Tony and Cisco were right.
You're a virgin.
That's crazy.
It's laughable.
I'm just a...
Lip virgin.
What, you mean you've never
gone down on a woman.
Good God, no. Bathroom parts
go with bathroom parts.
But that's not
what I meant.
I meant I've never, uh...
I-I've never
kissed a woman.
What, never?
But how can you have
had sex with a woman
and never been kissed?
Okay, look, I've only
had intercourse
with professional women.
By professional, I don't mean
women with careers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I got it.
See, prostitutes
won't let you kiss them.
Yeah, maybe you should
be talking about this
with Loudermilk.
It may be the reason
you did meth.
No, no, no.
You can't tell a soul.
This... Roger, this is
too fuckin' embarrassing.
Well, why are
you telling me?
I don't know.
I needed to tell somebody.
And I feel safe with you
because, you know,
you don't have
complete arms.
No, I...
That came out wrong.
I just meant me and you, like,
we're one of a kind
because we've both been fucked
so badly by God.
No, it's not just that.
You're smarter
and more sensitive
than anybody
in that group,
and you've got
that beautiful accent.
And, look,
can you please help me?
Roger,
you're my best friend.
I'm sorry, man, I can't.
Look, my mum is ill.
Seriously ill, and I've gotta
go back to England
to look after her
for a while.
Yeah, yeah,
that's good for you.
But what about me?
Don't worry.
I'll make sure you get
what you need.
Phew.
I can't believe you dragged me
all the way back here
to look for
a God damn headband.
That headband was a gift
from my pickle ball team.
It's very special,
thanks.
Well, I'll buy you
another one.
I don't even remember
you wearing a head...
What's pickle ball?
You don't know
what pickle ball is?
Well, it's a cross
between tennis and badminton.
It's normally played on grass,
turf, dirt, or sand.
What the
fuck's he doing now?
I told you you were
too hard on the dude.
Now he's gonna
kill himself.
Huh?
No, you don't know that.
He could just be looking
for a better view.
Really? Okay, then
why did he write,
"Goodbye, world,"
on the rocks, then?
I don't know.
Oh, boy.
Shit.
Okay.
Go talk to him, man.
This is your fault.
Yeah... My fault?
I shit on the guy for,
like, 30 seconds.
Obviously,
he had prior issues
or he wouldn't be writing
that drivel on rocks.
Hey, hey, buddy. What...
What are you doing?
I'm about to jump to my death
because of you, asshole!
The least you could do
is wish me good luck!
Come on down from there.
Don't do anything stupid.
Oh, so now
I'm stupid, too?
No, I said don't do
anything stupid.
Look, I was a jerk
earlier, okay?
I... Your bandwidth poem
is actually pretty...
Pretty... Pretty good.
Oh, don't patronize me.
No?
Okay, 'cause it sucked.
Uh, you fucking misspelled
"bandwidth."
How do you know
how to spell "redolent"?
I thought it was great.
You're a wonderful writer!
You have a gift!
No.
No, your friend's right.
It's a joke!
I'm a joke.
I can't even
kill myself right.
I've been up here
since this morning
because I don't have
the balls to jump.
Sure, you do!
I mean, you... You have...
You have balls, you know.
You got lots of balls,
and you're gonna do
lots of great stuff, okay?
But you're
not gonna do this.
Because...
Because why?
Plenty of reasons.
I mean,
you're thin, okay.
I mean, shit, I wish
I had your metabolism.
There's one reason
right there.
And you don't have
hyperhidrosis.
That's for sure.
You're out here in the sun.
You seem to be cool
as a cucumber.
I'm jealous.
Look, I don't know
your full deal, buddy,
but, you know,
we all go through shit.
And we all think that life
can't get any better.
But it... It...
It can.
Well, that's all you got?
Oh, I'm jumping.
Oh, no, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!Whoa, whoa, hey, don't, no!
He's just war...
He's warming up.
Listen, it's not just you
that would be hurt, okay?
Think about the people
who care about you.
Oh, strike two!
No one cares about me!
I have to go
to restaurants,
even movies alone!
All right, well, if that's
what this is about,
come on down.
I'll go to a movie
with ya.
Which movie?
You pick it.
Just none of that
comic-book bullshit.
When?
Thursday.
Well, I mean, I might
have to move a few things
around, but...
Yes.
Fuck it, let's do it!
All right!
Super.
Yeah!
You're gonna live!
Oh.
Can I have some help
getting down?
♪ The sidewalk bends
where your house ends
♪ Like the neighborhood
is on its knees
♪ Surrounded by
a chain-link fence
♪ Keeps me out but lets me see
♪ But someday
when my heart exhales
♪ I'll tell you everything
♪ Those sweet words
spilling all about us
♪ I'll say, "Please
Please be with me"
♪ And I'll breathe so easily
♪ But instead
I'm turning blue
♪ I look at you
and keep my... ♪
What are
you guys doing here?
Roger told us
about your lady problems.
I told him
not to tell anyone.
We really want to help.
Okay, okay,
but nobody else, okay?
This just stays within...
Within our gang.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Don't be ashamed,
New Guy.
Look, it's obvious you made
a success of yourself somehow.
And maybe you haven't had time
for a social life.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, let's go with that.
Hey! What the fuck
is he doing here?
Yeah, he was, uh,
eavesdropping on my
conversation with Cloud.
Hey, man.
15-foot rule.
If you don't whisper,
it's rude for anybody
within 15 feet not to listen.
Am I too late?
What did I miss?
This is fucking absurd!
You know what's absurd?
That you prize secrecy
over assistance.
These guys are here to help
you pop your lip cherry, man.
Yeah.
I don't want his help.
Oh, I see.
Okay, you don't want my help.
All right, then I guess
I'll just call that chick back
who I set you up with
and tell her it's off, hmm?
What, you set me up?
Why?
Listen,
I'm not a religious man,
but I do believe
that good pussy can
save a man's soul.
And I also thought if I could
get somebody somewhere
to want to kiss you
consensually,
maybe you'd be a little bit
less of a turd all the time.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, Mugsy.
That...
That was nice of you.
Yeah.
And she's a great woman.
Tons in common with you.
Mmm.
Except she's good-looking.
Ooh.
Damn, she's early.
She's here? Why didn't you
tell me she's on her way?
Because I didn't want
to stress you out.
I'm stressed now!
Oh, how do I look?
How do I look?
Don't make us answer
that question.
We want to send you
on the date with confidence.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
What the hell
are you doing?
You don't throw a Hail Mary
on the first play of the game.
Give me that!
Okay, hey.
Hey, a little privacy,
please.
Backyard.
Backyard!
Oh.
Hi.
Hello.
Um, am I early?
Oh, no.
No.
Um, oh, you know what?
One of my...
One of my cats
just got out.
Could... Could you just stay
there for a second, please?Oh, God, can I help?
No.
No, no, thank you.
That's really sweet of you,
but if you could just, like,
stay right there, please,
in case my cat rings,
you know, the... The doorbell.
What the fuck?
Hey, what are you
so upset about?
She's a midget!
Hey, the correct term
is "little person."
Don't be a racist.
No, no, no,
he can call her that
'cause he's one himself.
Yeah, like you guys
can call each other...
Bro.
Guys, I'm not
a little person.
What?
What are you talking about?
Well, I'm saying that
I'm not a little person.
You're telling me
you're not a little person?
No!
All right,
well, God damn!
I don't know
what the cutoff is?
I'm sorry.
What the fuck are you doing
in my pool in your underwear?
You said to make
yourselves at home.
Plus, I was sweaty.
I never said anything
remotely like that.
God, what the fuck am I
gonna do about this girl?
Tell her you're out of town.
She just saw me!
Then tell her
you're going out of town.
I can't cancel.
She'll know it's 'cause
of her height. Look...
I know what it's like
to have a date cancel
at the last second
based on how you look.
This is what you do.
You go on the date, and when
you're out, you pick a fight.
Right? You won't have to
see her again,
and that way, she won't know
that you're a height-ist.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Pick a fight like a gentleman.
That could work,
yes, thank you.
The Wonder-Chopper,
a blade so sharp,
you'll wonder
what it can't cut.
Garlic, tomatoes,
carrots, potatoes.
If you eat it, the...
How do you guys
watch this crap?
It's a commercial.
You don't even know
what the fuck we're watching.
I don't have to.
It's TV. It all sucks.
Oh, does it?
How about Survivor?
And Buddy 'n' Andy.
And why aren't you dressed?
What are you talking about?
You're wearing sweatpants.
I didn't realize
we had a dress code.
No, it's Thursday.
Yeah.
Holy shit.
You promised suicide guy
you'd take him to dinner
and a movie tonight.
So?
It's a guy on a ledge.
You say
whatever you have to.
It's not binding.
Yes, it is.
Besides,
he sounded really nice.
When did you talk to him?
When Ben called him to confirm
your plans for tonight.
How do you even
have his number?
We exchanged numbers,
dude.
That's what you do
after a suicide attempt.
Fuck, man.
All right, so you go
hang out with him.
No, no. Suicide guy
is your friend, not mine.
You're the one who's got him
on speed dial.
Hey, look, the guy
might be a psycho.
I don't want to hang out
with him alone.
Okay.
All right, fine.
You know what?
I'll go with ya.
How's that?
This is
a nice restaurant.
Thank you.
Yeah, no worries.
So who did you vote for?
Pardon?
You a Trumpy, like me?
I love that guy.
He sure does what he says
he's gonna do, huh?
I...guess.
I wish he'd build a wall
at the Canadian border.
Many Canadians are rapists,
too, you know.
You're joking, right?
Oh, no, that's how
I really feel.
I find Canadians to be
really, really sleazy.
Um, hey, what's... What's
your view on arming teachers?
Idiotic.
Oh, idiotic, huh?
Sure, sure.
Bury your head in the sand.
Um...
Oh, hey, what do you think
about this
climate change bullshit?
Why are you
asking me this?
That's how you
get to know a person,
by asking them questions.
And why did you insist
on this table?
In a few seconds,
we're gonna be able to
smell what he ordered.
I'm doing really lousy
on this date, aren't I?
Well, you know,
I totally understand
if you never wanted
to see me again.
Is it just me,
or do you find
that gay people
are getting more
and more uppity?
If you want to end this date,
just say the word.
You don't have to go through
this stupid charade.
It's not a charade.
You think I'm an idiot?
I'm totally fine
with leaving.
I could be home right now,
snuggling with my cat,
watching the Penguins game.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You like
the Pittsburgh Penguins?
Love 'em.
Oh, my God,
they're my team, too.
Good for you.
No, I...
You don't understand.
I'm obsessed with them.
Of course you are.
Everyone jumped on
the bandwagon once
they started winning again.
I was born in Pittsburgh.
I'm a true fan.
So am I.
I've liked them since they
were absolutely terrible.
Their logo and name
was so ridiculous,
and I like any team
rooted in tragedy.
What do you mean?
Oh, you know, their first
great player, Michel Briere.
He had an awesome
rookie year,
and then he got killed
in a car crash right
after the season.
He even scored a playoff
overtime goal that year.
Oh, wow.
Please, please,
please sit back down.
♪♪
Sorry, amigo.
Too late.
Took the wind
out of my sails.
Oh, no. Sorry.
Just...
I'm sorry, Louise.
Just, look,
I know I fucked this up.
I just get so nervous
on first dates,
second and third dates,
too, and...
Could... Could we please
just start this date again?
Please.
Sure.
What the hell?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
You know what?
I-I-I'm... What I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna go over
to the maitre d',
and I'm gonna make sure
that we get a table
not so close
to the shitter.
Who says
chivalry is dead?
You said I could choose.
Yeah, but seriously,
nobody wants to see the sequel
to Three Billboards.
What?
That was a classic.
Okay, okay, so then,
how come in that
timeless classic
Sam Rockwell's character
throws a guy through a window
and beats him to death
in broad daylight
and doesn't go to prison?
And why does he
run into a fire
instead of out of the fire
when the cop station burns?
And why does a cop just take
Peter Dinklage at his word
when he alibis Fran McDormand
for starting the fire?
And why does she dress
like a grease monkey
even though she works
in a gift shop?
And what's the deal
with the bad guy
living in Idaho
and hanging out in Missouri?
Don't even get me started
on Woody's wife.
I thought you were just
a graffiti snob.
You're a movie snob, too.
Yeah, I'm versatile.
I can't believe your
all-time favorite Penguin
is Evgeni Malkin, too.
Why? He's incredible!
Yeah, but you know what?
Everybody else says
Crosby or Lemieux.
Well, Geno has a flair
about him
and a cool sense of humor.
Yes, exactly.
He's playful yet dry.
Well, this is me.
Oh, well... I had a really
good time tonight.
Me too.
Good night.
Yeah.
Fuck!
And then, dude, the part
where Frances McDormand
called the rabbi
a pedophile.
I can't believe
you guys liked that.
Oh, wow,
stop the presses.
Robbie Rotten Tomatoes
didn't like something.
Robbie Rotten Tomatoes.
That's you.
That's great, if you
don't mind a ride on
the plot-hole express.
You are such an asshole,
you know that?
Yes, I do.
Do you have any idea how hard
it is to create anything?
A movie, a song,
a poem on a rock?
I bet you never
created anything
in your whole life.
Well, no, no.
That's not fair.
Actually,
Loudermilk wrote a book.
What, a novel?
No, he used to be
a music critic.
He wrote a book about
the worst songs ever written.
Okay.
Okay, now it's all
coming together.
You're a critic!
Every critic was
a failed something.
And the more you scream about
how much everything sucks,
the less of a loser
you feel like.
You don't know what...
Go spray it on a rock.
Wait. You said
he used to be a critic.
What do you do now?
Clean toilets?
No, I don't
clean toilets.
Yeah. He cleans the floors
at the bank.
Wow.
That is pathetic.
I can't believe
I beat you to the ledge.
Hey, what other
Frances McDormand
movies do you like?
♪♪
Hey, here he comes.
Oh.
Well? You pop
your lip cherry?
Eh, sort of.
What do you mean
"sort of"?
You either did
or you didn't.
I had the best date
of my life last night.
This woman is amazing!
She likes cats and hockey.
I was all set to give her
a kiss, and I... I did this.
Jesus.
You did that?
With her?
Yeah, I know, I know.
It was a wuss move.
And she wanted me
to kiss her.
No, no.
That's like shaking hands
with a bowl of pudding.
Look, I know your hand just
came out of a cast, but damn!
No, no, no, my... My hand's
back at full strength.
Here. Come on,
shake my hand.
Oh, oh, ho! Ho!
That's like a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich
dipped in milk.
That's better.
Well, how come
no one's ever told me
my handshake sucks before?
'Cause they're not
your friends.
And you guys are?
No.
No.
What am I gonna do?
I-I really like this girl.
I don't want her
to just be my first.
I want her
to be more than that.
Tell you broke your hand
jerking off.
Tony,
that's so fucking stupid!
I like this girl.
I don't want to lie
to her anymore.
And she'd never believe
my dick was big enough
to cause breakage.
Would she?
No.
You know what?
I got it. I got it.
Tell her you went to
the batting cages, right?
You were working
on your swing,
and you check it, right?
And you sprained
your hand.
You lost all masculine
hand-shaking power.
Plausible.
Good one.
No, no, that's stupid.
I'm just gonna be straight
with her.
Tell her how I feel.
Show her the real me.
♪ I finally stopped time
♪ So we don't have to...
Learning how to
check your swing
is such an important part
of not striking out,
and even though I don't play
in any leagues right...
Can we please not talk
about this anymore?
Oh, okay, sure.
What do you want
to talk about?
I don't know.
Anything but why
your handshake
is so pathetic.
You think my
handshake's pathetic?
No, you said it was
pathetic, remember?
And for the last 20 minutes,
you've been explaining why.
Okay, so you didn't think
my handshake was pathetic?
I was sure that's why
you ran for the door,
because of
my flaccid handshake.
No.
Oh.
Okay, good.
Then why did you run?
Okay, it was
a combination
of that
and the fact that you
kind of choked when
we were gonna kiss.
But then I thought, "So what
if he doesn't have the nuts
to make the first move?"
I mean, in our new world,
a guy initiating anything
is seen as aggressive
or predatory.
Thank you,
Harvey Weinstein.
It's all bullshit, anyway.
Why does the man have to be
the stronger one?
Oh, you are preaching
to the choir, baby.
I'm glad you called.
I've been thinking
about you a lot.
You have?
I-I've been thinking
about you a lot, too.
♪ To have you around
♪ To have you around
Is it okay
if I make the first move?
Oh, God, yes, please.
♪ Her smile is like a beacon
♪ When it lights up, I can
see her for a hundred miles
♪ Her love controls
the seasons
♪ When she's with me, I'm
the weather on a tropic isle
♪♪
♪ Oh, I don't
need much help... ♪
Jesus!
The fuck are you doing up?
I'm staking out the kitchen
to see where you've
been hiding the Ho-Hos.
Success.
That's not really why
you're awake, is it?
No, I just...
I can't go to sleep.
I...
Oh.
I keep thinking about what
your buddy said about critics
and being
failed somethings.
Maybe he's right.
This is the part where you
say something sponsor-y.
Want a half a Ho-Ho?
Well, what do you care
what Suicide Guy says anyway?
I don't.
Unless it's true.
You know,
I started a new book.
Oh, really?
What, a fiction or just
another list of people
and stuff that bugs you?
No, it's a book book.
I've been working on it
a couple of months.
I got
a terrific first line.
Hmm.
"If you've ever
almost killed your wife
"in a drunken,
bloody car wreck, read on."
That's...
Great.
Why'd you pause
before "great"?
No, that was a...
That was a Ho-Ho burp.
I actually think
that's really great.
Yeah, thanks.
That's all I have, though.
I can't get past
the second sentence.
You know?
It's... When I was writing
reviews, it was different,
okay?
'Cause I would just
respond to something,
and it was either good
or it was shit,
and that's all
I had to say was which one.
Fucking things
wrote themselves.
But with this, I don't know
what I'm responding to
except whatever
comes into my head,
and everything that comes
into my head is shit.
I-I can't delete it
fast enough.
Well, maybe you should
leave it for a while.
Huh?
You know, it's like, um,
the music that you love,
right?
Those artists
don't just make some shit
and it's perfect,
and then off they go with it.
You know, they make
some shit, and it's shitty,
so they leave it there,
and they work
on something else.
And meanwhile, this shit
sort of starts to make
some more sense,
and then by the time they're
working on this new shit,
the old shit's ready,
you know, 'cause it's shit,
so it fertilizes itself.
And you take the old shit
and the new shit,
and pretty soon, you know, you
got this... This ball of shit,
and that's all art really is,
is just working on some shit
until it gets less...
Shitty.
Huh.
Yeah, that's...
Yeah. Yeah.
I think you're right.
That's...
Not at all what I do,
you know?
I fucking look at it
and blast the hell out of it
as soon as it hits the page.
What I got to do
is get out of my head,
stop being so God damn
precious about it.
Well, if you ask me,
I think that's it right there.
But, regardless, probably
be a good idea
for you to stay up
all night in the dark
beating yourself up
about beating yourself up
about it.
I'll get the light for you.
Good night.
Good night.
♪♪
♪ He looks over his shoulder
♪ Fears of getting older
♪ She says, "Oh, come over"
♪ "Come a little closer"
♪ He looks out the window
♪ Tears fall as the wind blows
♪ Step off into a frenzy
♪ Isn't love worth plenty?
♪ Oh, no more crying
♪ No more crying
♪ No more crying
♪ No more crying
♪♪
♪ Now his heart beats faster
♪ Knows he won't outlast her
♪ She sits by the window
♪ Lets all of the pain go ♪
♪♪