Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - I Fought The Law - full transcript
Why don't you spend the night
on the couch tonight?
Really?
But only if you get back
on the meetings.
Ooh, yeah, I'll get back
in touch with my group.
Uh-uh. You're coming
to my meetings.
Uh, who are you again?
I'm Carl.
Uh, Allison's boyfriend.
I think that guy's choking.
Uh...
Dr. Carl.
Hey.
Okay.
What happened?
This guy
just saved my life.
Oh, honey.
Not him. Him.
Staying away gave me
time to think about what
I really need.
Which is...
A life with Carl.
You're being sued.
For what?
For breaking
my client's ribs
while recklessly administering
the Heimlich maneuver
when it wasn't needed.
Motherfucker.
Ach!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
You girls keep quiet now.
It's show time,
motherfuckers.
Ah!
Are you all right
down there?
Fuck off! Who are you?
Where are you from?
Police. SWAT team.
We got a signal
someone was down here.
I repeat.
Are you okay?
What fucking country
are you from?
U.S. of A.!
Drop the weapon!
Drop the weapon!
It's dropped.
I-It's dropped.
How long have you been
down here?
Um, what's the date?
July 21, 2001.
No shit.
Uh...
About a year and a half,
give or take.
S-So what happened?
With what?
Y2K, man.
The computer meltdown,
the planes falling
from the sky,
nuclear Armageddon.
What happened?
Nothing happened.
Nothing?
Not a God damn thing.
Fuck.
Come on, sir.
I got you.
Ooh.
You all right? You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, shit.
What?
I forgot the cancel
the fucking newspaper.
♪♪
Jesus Christ.
So, you were down there
for a year and a half.
What did you do
all that time?
Uh, wasn't much to do
except watch videos,
drink moonshine.
That's when the boozin'
really kicked in.
I guess I just lost
track of time.
So, you never thought of
just popping your head up
to look around?
Maybe watching some TV?
I had an antenna,
but I lost the signal.
A-As it turns out,
the neighbor kid mowed
my lawn for me
and cut the wire.
I thought
we'd been nuked.
By who?
I don't fuckin' know!
Maybe the Russians,
the Koreans.
Them Ecuadorians.
Can't trust
those sneaky bastards.
All right, look,
we all started
down the road
to addiction somehow.
We all have
different scars.
Thanks for
sharing that, Ed.
I don't know how anyone's
gonna follow that up,
but, uh,
the floor's open.
I think I figured out
why I had my slip.
I, um... I thought things
would start to get better
after I had a year of
sobriety under my belt.
You know, the one-year chip,
but, uh, after the fog lifted,
I was able
to look around
and see just how shitty
my life really is.
It took you a year
to figure that out?
Okay, this
is important now.
Sobriety
is not a magic pill
that just makes everything
hunky-dory.
Okay, it's a good thing now
that you're aware of what
a fuck-up you are
'cause you can work on
fixing yourself
rather than
walking around numb,
making everything worse.
Wouldn't it be cool, though,
if there was a magic pill
that could make
everything better?
Uh, there is, sort of.
I-It's called ayahuasca.
It helped my cousin Robert,
uh, find his soul.
Wh-Wh-What's ayahuasca?
It's this vine
from South America
that makes you trip
your balls off
and see spirits and shit.
Ah! My people have been using
hallucinogenic plants
as medicine
for centuries now.
Ayahuasca has been known to
treat all kinds of things...
Anxiety, addiction, uh,
depression, ED, PTSD.
My cousin says
it's a miracle drug.
Did you say ED?
Okay, I'm sure that
your cousin believes that,
but these things can be
dangerous,
especially if you don't know
what you're doing.
Uh, he knows
what he's doing.
He's written three books
on ayahuasca.
Hey, I'm not expert
"plantiologist,"
but this Air Alaska that...
This is the sort of thing
I'm looking for.
Oh, I could put you
in touch with my cuz.
No, no, no, no.
That's a bad idea, Cloud.
Mugsy is trying to
quit drugs and alcohol.
Turning him onto a new one is
not gonna make things better.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but...
But if you were to decide
to do this,
Mugsy, maybe I should
come along, you know,
just in case
you lose your shit
and try and
fly out a window
or something.
Thank you, Ed.
Look, you're both adults,
okay?
I don't think ayahuasca
is the answer.
In fact, I know it's not.
Let's move on
to another topic.
No, no. I-I-I don't understand
how a date got set, okay?
I requested a postponement.
What?
What do you mean I can only
postpone three times?
Nobody told me that.
That... That's Draconian.
What do you...
So, what...
All right, well, what happens
if I don't show up?
I lose?
Really?
All right, okay.
Yeah, all right, all right.
Fine. Fine.
Was that jury duty?
I'm getting sued by,
uh, some guy
for giving him
the Heimlich maneuver.
Well, the law never
protects the good Samaritan.
That's why you always
let the guy choke.
Good for you.
Seriously, though,
I cut my teeth
fighting cases like that
back in Montreal.
You're from Montreal?
Yeah, but you kind of missed
the real headline.
I'm a lawyer.
I caught that.
Well, just so you know,
I can be a real pit bull
when I want to be, and I just
got my law license back.
Tell you what,
you give me this case,
I give you
friends and family rate.
Look, no offense,
New Guy,
but I-I don't know
if I want you to be my lawyer.
Why not?
Well, for starters, I don't
even know your real name.
All right.
You're hired.
♪♪
Who's this?
Why? Do you hate it?
No, it's...
It's pretty good.
Oh, uh,
it's the Ben Rogers Band.
You want to rip it from me?
I don't know
how to do that shit.
Yeah, neither do I.
You know, Claire's coming home
in about a half-hour,
45 minutes.
We can just wait for...
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
♪ I'm not sitting around
♪ Just waiting for my life
to start anymore
♪ No, I'm not slowing down
♪ No, I'm falling
for the noise
♪ I fell...
♪ Oh oh oh-oh
♪ Oh oh oh-oh
♪ Oh oh oh-oh,
oh oh oh-oh
♪ Oh oh oh-oh
♪ Oh oh oh-oh
♪ Oh oh oh-oh ♪
I listened to it
front to back three times.
There's not a bad song
on there.
I'm really glad
you like it.
Ah.
What's with
the shit-eating grin?
No, it's just... You know,
it's the first time
I've been able to turn you on
to a new artist.
Usually it's the other way
around, right?
Yeah, how did you
hear about these guys?
Felix told me about them.
What?
Mmm-hmm.
That's surprising.
His taste is spotty at best.
Wonder if that means
he has it on vinyl.
Hmm, I guess we should ask.
Hey, Felix.
Hold on.
Come here for a second.
What?
Hey, do you have that, uh,
Ben Rogers Band album
on vinyl?
You're fucking
with me, right?
Nope. Loudermilk is a big fan
of the Ben Rogers Band.
He's been gushing about
the album all morning.
Haven't you?
Well, I haven't been gushing
about it, but, hey, uh, yeah,
I find it really refreshing.
I-I... Uh, I like these guys.
They were confident.
Hmm.
You liked my album.
It's your album now 'cause you
recommended it to Ben?
No. Felix is
the Ben Rogers Band.
I don't know
what that means.
Those are...
Those are his guys.
You mean his friends?
No.
Felix is Ben Rogers,
that's his band,
and you love them.
You fuckin' love them,
don't you?
What?
Yeah.
Who the fuck picks
"Ben Rogers"
as a stage name?
That's like a cowboy band.
I thought my real name
would get made fun of.
Well, Mellencamp thought that,
too, but he was wrong.
What's your real name?
Felix Furbush.
Yeah, uh, "Ben Rogers,"
th... That's a good call.
You should be happy
for the guy,
not jealous of his talent.
I'm not jealous
of Felix, okay?
Anybody can write
one good album.
You got your whole life
to write your first album.
Yeah, and six months
to write your second.
Don Johnson.
Don Henley.
Whatever.
One of The Beach Boys.
Eagles.
Anyway, the point is
that your sophomore effort
is the one that shows whether
you're for real or not.
I heard you like my band.
Your band?
What are you
talking about?Mmm.
Oh, shit. Don't tell me
you're managing him.
No. Felix asked me
to join them
for some upcoming gigs.
In what capacity?
As part of the band.
Why would Felix do that?
You have no musical talent.
He needs someone
to play percussion.
Oh, Christ. He-He's asking you
to join the band
because he wants
to sleep with you.
So?
W-Welcome to the world
of being a woman.
Oh, okay.
All right, here.
I want to hear you
try and keep a beat.
What?
Give me a good
percussion line.
♪ I'm a lazy boy
♪ Always be a lazy boy
♪ I'm a lazy boy
♪ Yes, a lazy boy
♪ Lazy in the evening boy ♪
Okay.
You realize you're
supposed to hit the bowl
in time to the music.
Not always.
I don't even know this song.
Why do you even care?
Because Felix has
a good thing going,
and I don't want his penis
to fuck it up for him.
I thought
you hated Felix.
No, I don't hate Felix.
I don't hate anybody.
I don't like him
at all.
But it... That...
It's not important, though.
This is a story that is older
than rock 'n' roll itself.
Okay, Linda McCartney,
Yoko Ono, Death Cab
and the New Girl.
The music always suffers.
Are you guys talking
about Zooey Deschanel?
She's amazing.
Yeah, in Elf,
but you gotta know
your limits,
and I'm just telling you
your limits.
You're an asshole.
Fuckin' asshole.
No, I'm a critic.
No, I'm a critic.
Fuck are you doing here?
What the fuck
am I doing here?
We have a court case
to prepare.
What do
we have to prepare?
I thought we were just gonna
kick their ass.
Yeah, that was before
I found out
they have a star witness
who's gonna testify
against you.
What do you mean,
star witness?
Yeah, that's something you
could've told me about
during the deposition.
You never gave me
a deposition.
Semantics.
Loudermilk,
I need to know everything!
Now get the fuck over here!
Here's their magic bullet.
Okay, it's a doctor...
The doctor you had lunch with
that day.
He saw everything.
You've got
to be shitting me.
Dr. Carl is testifying
against me?
What an asshole!
All right, relax for a sec.
I went to the restaurant.
I spoke to your waitress.
She's gonna testify
on your behalf.
Well, good, 'cause she
saw the whole thing.
Yeah, but then again, it's
doctor versus bimbo waitress.
No, no, no.
We need more witnesses.
H-Hold on a second.
Allison was there, right?
Yeah, I-I don't want to bring
Allison into this.
Whoa, whoa,
who's Allison?
My ex... Uh, neighbor.
We had lunch that day.
God damn it, Loudermilk!
Do you want to win
this thing or not?
All right, New Guy,
take it down a notch.
No, I'm not
gonna take it down!
The other side is gonna make
mincemeat out of you
on the stand.
I'm your friend here.
Now tell me
who the fuck is Allison!
She didn't see it
go down,
and she's dating their star
witness, Dr. Mc-Fuck-Face.
No, no, no, no.
We need this broad.
Get me her info.
Check out this text
I just got from Mugsy.
It says, "Ed and I
are doing an ayahuasca
ceremony tonight."
What?
"They've got room for
one more if anyone wants in.
"Don't tell Sourmilk."
Smiley face.
That's you.
All right, well,
fuck those guys.
God damn it.
Give the address.
♪♪
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm looking for
the ayahuasca people.
Are you here
for the study?
No, I'm looking for my...
What study?
Six months ago,
we got the grant
to study the effects
of ayahuasca
on several different mental
and emotional disorders.
So far, we've had
great results.
Two of your lab rats are
recovering addicts.
You know that right?
Yes.
Addiction is one
of the disorders
we're working on treating.
I want to talk to them
before you get going.
Who's the guy
in the dress?
That's the shaman.
Seriously?
Doesn't he work
at the farmer's market?
Hey, we do what we can
to get by.
Let me get this straight.
You're gonna give them
hallucinogenic drugs
and then lock them in a room
with a guy
who sells organic tamales?
We can't have them
wandering the streets.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Mugsy, Ed.
Loudermilk, holy shit.
Are you gonna trip
with us?
No, I'm gonna talk some sense
into your heads.
Why would you do this?
I got my reasons.
And for me, I-I've tried
everything I can think of
to feel better,
and nothing works.
Look, I'm telling you,
the hallucinogenic drugs are
not the answer, okay?
I got a friend.
He took peyote all the time.
Fried his brain.
He was the guy that lead
the marketing team
that changed IHOP's
name to IHOb.
The fuck
was he thinking?
That's what I'm saying,
the shit messes with
your brain chemistry.
You could trigger
schizophrenia.
You could trigger
bipolar disorder.
Guys, come on, take the
electrodes off your head.
Let's go grab a cup
of coffee or something.
Okay.
Excuse me. Sir, we're
gonna need you to
come out of this room.
Fine, but my friends
are coming with me.
Being here
is the best place for them.
At least until the drugs
wear off.
You took it already.
Ah, yeah.
About a half-hour ago.
Oh, God. I don't
feel right, Loudermilk.
I don't feel right at all.
That shit
you were talking about
is starting to trigger.
I'm starting to feel
that paranoid schizophrenic
Polar Express!
What did you say to him?
Oh, my God.
You're sending him
down a dark path.
Nothing.
I didn't say...
Hey.
What the... Holy shit!
What are you, a tree?
Everything's gonna be fine.
No!
Deep breaths.
Happy thoughts.
No happy thoughts.
IHOb? I want pancakes!
All right.
You can still get pancakes.
They didn't
take it off the menu.
You just have
more choices now.
Listen, I-I-I got
another buddy, okay.
He dropped acid every weekend
for 10 years.
He's running a successful
tech company.
A tech... I'm not qualified
to run a tech company!
Could you please get
that man out of there?
I don't want burgers!
I want pancakes!
And I don't want
technology!
Someone else
would run the company.
You...
Pancakes!
...Flying!
Holy shit!
Mugsy's losing his shit
in there.
We got to help him.
He's fine.
He's on an inward journey
of self discovery.
That's not always pretty.
Shit!
Everything is beautiful, man!
Right?
Everything is beautiful.
Things are
lighting up, man.
It's like a Christmas tree
on the Fourth of July!
He's mixing his metaphors.
Can you...
Hey, Mugsy.
How you doing there, buddy?
Y-You're gonna be
okay, Mugs.
God?
God, is that you?
Because I've been trying
to be a good boy.
Mugsy, it's...
No, it's not God.
It's Loudermilk.
Loudermilk, you are God!
We're all God
if we want to be, man.
Hey. Hey, man.
Loudermilk,
can you come here?
'Cause I need a hug.
You're gonna be okay,
all right?
You just gotta relax.
No! Because I'm a fuck-up,
and I'm nothing like God!
And it's never been more clear
since I took this devil drug.
You're not a fuck-up.
Y-You're an alcoholic
who's trying to do
the right thing, all right?
Just like God would do
if God was an alcoholic.
You want to see a fuck-up?
Look at me.
I'm a middle-aged guy who
cleans floors at a bank.
Okay, shut up!
Okay, it's always about you.
It's always about you. We get it.
You lost your wife and you lost your job,
and blah, blah, blah!
So, stop moping,
and start growing.
Growing how?
Maybe if you stopped
focusing on yourself
for once, huh?
Maybe if just once just
think about some other
person just...
Just once in your life,
and I promise you,
things will get better
because we're all part
of the same thing.
And quit pretending
that you're not!
♪♪
Here, drink this.
You need to wake up.
You look like shit.
No, I don't trust
that stuff.
I like to recreate
the kick in the nuts
I used to get from meth.
I used to do some of my best
work on stimulants...
Till I did my worst work.
Ah, fuck, I wish
I hadn't drank that.
What are they
doing here?
Oh, they just wanted to
come and support us.
Where are
our witnesses?
Oh, right,
I meant to tell you.
You know, o-our waitress,
she couldn't get anybody
to cover her shift,
but don't worry.
Allison should be here
any minute.
But... God, I told you
not to involve her.
All rise.
The honorable
Judge Jacob Reynolds
presiding.
Be seated, everyone.
Attorneys, please rise.
We're not looking to waste
the court's time, Your Honor,
so I'll make this quick.
My client sustained injuries
as a result
of Mr. Loudermilk's
wanton actions,
and now we're simply
seeking compensation
for medical bills
and missed work.
It's an open-and-shut case,
Your Honor,
and we're perfectly happy
to settle.
"Open-and-shut."
You know what else would be
open-and-shut?
The plaintiff's
oversized casket
if my client hadn't been
in the restaurant that day!
Order!
I take it this means
you're not settling?
Hell, no. This whole
court case is a sham
and a money grab.
It's an insult
to the justice system
we all swore an oath to,
and you know it!
Now, my client, he may
have a checkered past,
littered with drugs, alcohol,
and God knows what else,
but this man is a true hero
who stepped up
when nobody else would.
Let's tone down
the histrionics, counsel.
He'll get an opportunity
to prove that.
Okay, thank you for
those comforting words, sir,
and I'll also prove
beyond a reasonable doubt that
that man is an
ungrateful prick
for suing my client!
Language, counsel!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, ungrateful penis.
Now, I'm understanding
that there was a doctor
in the restaurant
when this happened?
Yes, Your Honor.
Uh, in fact
he's on his way
into the courtroom right now.
Sorry I'm late.
I was taking a nine-volt
battery of a seven-year-old
boy's lower intestine.
No, objection!
I want that stricken
from the record.
Overruled, but noted.
And as a trained professional,
I was taking all appropriate
precautions,
taking my time
to assess the situation.
Another five seconds,
and I would've got up
to do what needed to be done.
Properly.
This guy is
fucking us in the ass.
The judge looks like he wants
to suck him off
right here
in the courtroom.
I beg your pardon,
counsel?
I kindly ask to be given
some privacy
when conferring
with my client, Your Honor.
We need to go
scorched earth
on this motherfucker
or else you're gonna end up
owing him six figures.
Six figures?
Jesus Christ.
Look, just do
what you gotta do.
You sure? 'Cause if you let me
take the cuffs off,
there might be
some forest fires
you might need to
put out right after.
Fuck's sake.
Just do your thing.
I don't have any money
to pay this douchebag.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Hey, hi.
Carl feels really bad
about being here, but...
Yeah, well, he should.
He's an asshole.
Well, he was subpoenaed.
Your Honor,
this witness has a grudge
against my client,
therefore his
testimony is tainted.
Why would I have
a grudge?
Yes, I-I-I don't follow,
Mr. Goldbaum.
Well, let the record show
that my client was having
vigorous sex
with the doctor's
girlfriend!
You slept with him?
No.
No, I-I just, uh...
Well, I-I-I...
Oh, Jesus.
I knew it. I knew it.
That's why you've been
acting so weird.
I haven't been acting weird.
Excuse me! Perhaps you two
could discuss this
when the proceedings
are over.
From what I understand,
my client gave it to her
real good, Your Honor.
Multiple times
every which way.That's not true.
It was good,
but it was one time
in coup... Couple of ways.
You know what? Screw it.
I don't need this shit.
I have patients to tend to.
You're lucky people's lives
depend on these hands.
Yeah, except when they're
choking in a restaurant,
you fucking charlatan!
Jesus Christ.
I...
I swear I didn't tell
him to do that.
Oh, you must
be that Allison
everyone's talking about.
And how are you today?
Un-fucking-believable.
Without Dr. Reed's testimony,
the court has no choice
but to find in favor
of the defendant.
Okay, let's go.
Okay. It's over?
Who told you
I was sleeping
with her?
Well, I warned you I was gonna
turn over every stone.
Who told you?
Claire may have
let it slip out
during her deposition.
Do you even know
what a deposition is?
Yeah, it's when somebody tells
you shit in the kitchen.
I'm back!
I didn't know you
had it in you, Loudermilk.
That chick was
banging hot, dude.
First of all,
do me a favor...
Mugsy, are you
all right over there?
Yeah, man.
I-I'm just...
I'm still seeing a weird,
glowing light around
everything.
But, uh, they said
that was supposed to go away
in a... In a few weeks.
Or not.
Ed? Is that you?
Oh, yeah.
See?
One ayahuasca trip,
and he's a whole new man.
No, no, no. This suit is new.
The man inside is not.
I ended up spending the night
in a jail cell.
Got to go see a judge
this afternoon.
Well, trust me,
Eddie, baby,
that's gonna help
a lot in court.
You got to be kidding.
Ed, you hired him?
Why not?
I'm on a roll.
We're gonna sue
the fuckin' balls
off that study
for not properly
containing him.
He could've been killed trying
to have sex with that car.
Don't judge.
It was one of them
new curvy Mustangs.
Hey, Cloud, we're gonna take
your cousin for all he's got.
We're gonna
fucking destroy him!
♪♪
What are you working on
over there?
Oh, Felix said I could write
some lyrics for the band.
Oh, my God. He's letting you
write lyrics now?
See, this is how
it starts.
And the next thing you know,
you're screeching into a mic
at the top of your lungs
and telling Felix
that he doesn't need
Ringo, George, and Paul.
Oh, I don't know.
I quite like the one
you read me about
the little tree
that didn't get enough
sunshine and water.
That sounds terrible.
It's a metaphor
for not getting
what we need in life.
Oh!
I didn't get that.
I'll give you $100
if you didn't rhyme the words
"tree" and "free."
Fuck you!
Yep.
I'd like to see you write
a song. It's not easy.
I have written songs.
Parts of songs, anyway.
You remember
Marcy Playground?
Fuck, yes, I remember
Marcy Playground.
I was the guy in 1995
that told John Wozniak
it smelled like sex and candy
in his tour van.
Wh-What?
Yeah.
Dude, that's a great song.
Thank you.
Okay, you guys
are gonna have to finish
this convo without me
because I am going to my very
first band practice.
Okay, break a leg.
Thank you.
You shouldn't encourage her.
Oh, come on. She's putting
herself out there,
trying something new.
There's nothing
wrong with that.
Hey, you got any more
Marcy Playground stories?
Hey, you made it.
Hey.
Uh, Claire,
these are the boys.
Hi.
Boys, this is Claire.
Um, why don't we start from
the beginning of Steady
and just grab
the tambourine.
Come in whenever
you're feeling it.
Cool.
Cool.
♪♪
♪ I got street cred Gunpowder-gray eyes
♪ And a...
♪♪
♪ Six pounds of state jewelry on my ankles and wrists
♪♪
Maybe just play it
a little less
now that I'm singing.
Okay.
It's good.
♪♪
♪ I'm just looking for a place to spend the rest of my sins
♪ Before the jig is up and I can go home
♪ And it's a...
♪♪
♪ We ain't living We're just trying to survive
♪♪
♪ Uptown, loaded, and let down
♪ And vanished in the air
♪ And we're steady
going nowhere
♪♪
♪ Where's your smile?
Then draw the blinds
♪ And then pull back
the covers
♪♪
♪ Said "It's been nice
being friends
♪ "Now can we just be lovers?"
♪♪
♪ Well, it's hard
being a pimp
♪ Can I cower 'neath
the concrete sun?
♪ You can get
a lethal injection
in the Sunshine State
♪ Or an alley down
on Hastings Street
♪ And it's a... ♪
on the couch tonight?
Really?
But only if you get back
on the meetings.
Ooh, yeah, I'll get back
in touch with my group.
Uh-uh. You're coming
to my meetings.
Uh, who are you again?
I'm Carl.
Uh, Allison's boyfriend.
I think that guy's choking.
Uh...
Dr. Carl.
Hey.
Okay.
What happened?
This guy
just saved my life.
Oh, honey.
Not him. Him.
Staying away gave me
time to think about what
I really need.
Which is...
A life with Carl.
You're being sued.
For what?
For breaking
my client's ribs
while recklessly administering
the Heimlich maneuver
when it wasn't needed.
Motherfucker.
Ach!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
You girls keep quiet now.
It's show time,
motherfuckers.
Ah!
Are you all right
down there?
Fuck off! Who are you?
Where are you from?
Police. SWAT team.
We got a signal
someone was down here.
I repeat.
Are you okay?
What fucking country
are you from?
U.S. of A.!
Drop the weapon!
Drop the weapon!
It's dropped.
I-It's dropped.
How long have you been
down here?
Um, what's the date?
July 21, 2001.
No shit.
Uh...
About a year and a half,
give or take.
S-So what happened?
With what?
Y2K, man.
The computer meltdown,
the planes falling
from the sky,
nuclear Armageddon.
What happened?
Nothing happened.
Nothing?
Not a God damn thing.
Fuck.
Come on, sir.
I got you.
Ooh.
You all right? You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, shit.
What?
I forgot the cancel
the fucking newspaper.
♪♪
Jesus Christ.
So, you were down there
for a year and a half.
What did you do
all that time?
Uh, wasn't much to do
except watch videos,
drink moonshine.
That's when the boozin'
really kicked in.
I guess I just lost
track of time.
So, you never thought of
just popping your head up
to look around?
Maybe watching some TV?
I had an antenna,
but I lost the signal.
A-As it turns out,
the neighbor kid mowed
my lawn for me
and cut the wire.
I thought
we'd been nuked.
By who?
I don't fuckin' know!
Maybe the Russians,
the Koreans.
Them Ecuadorians.
Can't trust
those sneaky bastards.
All right, look,
we all started
down the road
to addiction somehow.
We all have
different scars.
Thanks for
sharing that, Ed.
I don't know how anyone's
gonna follow that up,
but, uh,
the floor's open.
I think I figured out
why I had my slip.
I, um... I thought things
would start to get better
after I had a year of
sobriety under my belt.
You know, the one-year chip,
but, uh, after the fog lifted,
I was able
to look around
and see just how shitty
my life really is.
It took you a year
to figure that out?
Okay, this
is important now.
Sobriety
is not a magic pill
that just makes everything
hunky-dory.
Okay, it's a good thing now
that you're aware of what
a fuck-up you are
'cause you can work on
fixing yourself
rather than
walking around numb,
making everything worse.
Wouldn't it be cool, though,
if there was a magic pill
that could make
everything better?
Uh, there is, sort of.
I-It's called ayahuasca.
It helped my cousin Robert,
uh, find his soul.
Wh-Wh-What's ayahuasca?
It's this vine
from South America
that makes you trip
your balls off
and see spirits and shit.
Ah! My people have been using
hallucinogenic plants
as medicine
for centuries now.
Ayahuasca has been known to
treat all kinds of things...
Anxiety, addiction, uh,
depression, ED, PTSD.
My cousin says
it's a miracle drug.
Did you say ED?
Okay, I'm sure that
your cousin believes that,
but these things can be
dangerous,
especially if you don't know
what you're doing.
Uh, he knows
what he's doing.
He's written three books
on ayahuasca.
Hey, I'm not expert
"plantiologist,"
but this Air Alaska that...
This is the sort of thing
I'm looking for.
Oh, I could put you
in touch with my cuz.
No, no, no, no.
That's a bad idea, Cloud.
Mugsy is trying to
quit drugs and alcohol.
Turning him onto a new one is
not gonna make things better.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but...
But if you were to decide
to do this,
Mugsy, maybe I should
come along, you know,
just in case
you lose your shit
and try and
fly out a window
or something.
Thank you, Ed.
Look, you're both adults,
okay?
I don't think ayahuasca
is the answer.
In fact, I know it's not.
Let's move on
to another topic.
No, no. I-I-I don't understand
how a date got set, okay?
I requested a postponement.
What?
What do you mean I can only
postpone three times?
Nobody told me that.
That... That's Draconian.
What do you...
So, what...
All right, well, what happens
if I don't show up?
I lose?
Really?
All right, okay.
Yeah, all right, all right.
Fine. Fine.
Was that jury duty?
I'm getting sued by,
uh, some guy
for giving him
the Heimlich maneuver.
Well, the law never
protects the good Samaritan.
That's why you always
let the guy choke.
Good for you.
Seriously, though,
I cut my teeth
fighting cases like that
back in Montreal.
You're from Montreal?
Yeah, but you kind of missed
the real headline.
I'm a lawyer.
I caught that.
Well, just so you know,
I can be a real pit bull
when I want to be, and I just
got my law license back.
Tell you what,
you give me this case,
I give you
friends and family rate.
Look, no offense,
New Guy,
but I-I don't know
if I want you to be my lawyer.
Why not?
Well, for starters, I don't
even know your real name.
All right.
You're hired.
♪♪
Who's this?
Why? Do you hate it?
No, it's...
It's pretty good.
Oh, uh,
it's the Ben Rogers Band.
You want to rip it from me?
I don't know
how to do that shit.
Yeah, neither do I.
You know, Claire's coming home
in about a half-hour,
45 minutes.
We can just wait for...
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
♪ I'm not sitting around
♪ Just waiting for my life
to start anymore
♪ No, I'm not slowing down
♪ No, I'm falling
for the noise
♪ I fell...
♪ Oh oh oh-oh
♪ Oh oh oh-oh
♪ Oh oh oh-oh,
oh oh oh-oh
♪ Oh oh oh-oh
♪ Oh oh oh-oh
♪ Oh oh oh-oh ♪
I listened to it
front to back three times.
There's not a bad song
on there.
I'm really glad
you like it.
Ah.
What's with
the shit-eating grin?
No, it's just... You know,
it's the first time
I've been able to turn you on
to a new artist.
Usually it's the other way
around, right?
Yeah, how did you
hear about these guys?
Felix told me about them.
What?
Mmm-hmm.
That's surprising.
His taste is spotty at best.
Wonder if that means
he has it on vinyl.
Hmm, I guess we should ask.
Hey, Felix.
Hold on.
Come here for a second.
What?
Hey, do you have that, uh,
Ben Rogers Band album
on vinyl?
You're fucking
with me, right?
Nope. Loudermilk is a big fan
of the Ben Rogers Band.
He's been gushing about
the album all morning.
Haven't you?
Well, I haven't been gushing
about it, but, hey, uh, yeah,
I find it really refreshing.
I-I... Uh, I like these guys.
They were confident.
Hmm.
You liked my album.
It's your album now 'cause you
recommended it to Ben?
No. Felix is
the Ben Rogers Band.
I don't know
what that means.
Those are...
Those are his guys.
You mean his friends?
No.
Felix is Ben Rogers,
that's his band,
and you love them.
You fuckin' love them,
don't you?
What?
Yeah.
Who the fuck picks
"Ben Rogers"
as a stage name?
That's like a cowboy band.
I thought my real name
would get made fun of.
Well, Mellencamp thought that,
too, but he was wrong.
What's your real name?
Felix Furbush.
Yeah, uh, "Ben Rogers,"
th... That's a good call.
You should be happy
for the guy,
not jealous of his talent.
I'm not jealous
of Felix, okay?
Anybody can write
one good album.
You got your whole life
to write your first album.
Yeah, and six months
to write your second.
Don Johnson.
Don Henley.
Whatever.
One of The Beach Boys.
Eagles.
Anyway, the point is
that your sophomore effort
is the one that shows whether
you're for real or not.
I heard you like my band.
Your band?
What are you
talking about?Mmm.
Oh, shit. Don't tell me
you're managing him.
No. Felix asked me
to join them
for some upcoming gigs.
In what capacity?
As part of the band.
Why would Felix do that?
You have no musical talent.
He needs someone
to play percussion.
Oh, Christ. He-He's asking you
to join the band
because he wants
to sleep with you.
So?
W-Welcome to the world
of being a woman.
Oh, okay.
All right, here.
I want to hear you
try and keep a beat.
What?
Give me a good
percussion line.
♪ I'm a lazy boy
♪ Always be a lazy boy
♪ I'm a lazy boy
♪ Yes, a lazy boy
♪ Lazy in the evening boy ♪
Okay.
You realize you're
supposed to hit the bowl
in time to the music.
Not always.
I don't even know this song.
Why do you even care?
Because Felix has
a good thing going,
and I don't want his penis
to fuck it up for him.
I thought
you hated Felix.
No, I don't hate Felix.
I don't hate anybody.
I don't like him
at all.
But it... That...
It's not important, though.
This is a story that is older
than rock 'n' roll itself.
Okay, Linda McCartney,
Yoko Ono, Death Cab
and the New Girl.
The music always suffers.
Are you guys talking
about Zooey Deschanel?
She's amazing.
Yeah, in Elf,
but you gotta know
your limits,
and I'm just telling you
your limits.
You're an asshole.
Fuckin' asshole.
No, I'm a critic.
No, I'm a critic.
Fuck are you doing here?
What the fuck
am I doing here?
We have a court case
to prepare.
What do
we have to prepare?
I thought we were just gonna
kick their ass.
Yeah, that was before
I found out
they have a star witness
who's gonna testify
against you.
What do you mean,
star witness?
Yeah, that's something you
could've told me about
during the deposition.
You never gave me
a deposition.
Semantics.
Loudermilk,
I need to know everything!
Now get the fuck over here!
Here's their magic bullet.
Okay, it's a doctor...
The doctor you had lunch with
that day.
He saw everything.
You've got
to be shitting me.
Dr. Carl is testifying
against me?
What an asshole!
All right, relax for a sec.
I went to the restaurant.
I spoke to your waitress.
She's gonna testify
on your behalf.
Well, good, 'cause she
saw the whole thing.
Yeah, but then again, it's
doctor versus bimbo waitress.
No, no, no.
We need more witnesses.
H-Hold on a second.
Allison was there, right?
Yeah, I-I don't want to bring
Allison into this.
Whoa, whoa,
who's Allison?
My ex... Uh, neighbor.
We had lunch that day.
God damn it, Loudermilk!
Do you want to win
this thing or not?
All right, New Guy,
take it down a notch.
No, I'm not
gonna take it down!
The other side is gonna make
mincemeat out of you
on the stand.
I'm your friend here.
Now tell me
who the fuck is Allison!
She didn't see it
go down,
and she's dating their star
witness, Dr. Mc-Fuck-Face.
No, no, no, no.
We need this broad.
Get me her info.
Check out this text
I just got from Mugsy.
It says, "Ed and I
are doing an ayahuasca
ceremony tonight."
What?
"They've got room for
one more if anyone wants in.
"Don't tell Sourmilk."
Smiley face.
That's you.
All right, well,
fuck those guys.
God damn it.
Give the address.
♪♪
Excuse me.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm looking for
the ayahuasca people.
Are you here
for the study?
No, I'm looking for my...
What study?
Six months ago,
we got the grant
to study the effects
of ayahuasca
on several different mental
and emotional disorders.
So far, we've had
great results.
Two of your lab rats are
recovering addicts.
You know that right?
Yes.
Addiction is one
of the disorders
we're working on treating.
I want to talk to them
before you get going.
Who's the guy
in the dress?
That's the shaman.
Seriously?
Doesn't he work
at the farmer's market?
Hey, we do what we can
to get by.
Let me get this straight.
You're gonna give them
hallucinogenic drugs
and then lock them in a room
with a guy
who sells organic tamales?
We can't have them
wandering the streets.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Mugsy, Ed.
Loudermilk, holy shit.
Are you gonna trip
with us?
No, I'm gonna talk some sense
into your heads.
Why would you do this?
I got my reasons.
And for me, I-I've tried
everything I can think of
to feel better,
and nothing works.
Look, I'm telling you,
the hallucinogenic drugs are
not the answer, okay?
I got a friend.
He took peyote all the time.
Fried his brain.
He was the guy that lead
the marketing team
that changed IHOP's
name to IHOb.
The fuck
was he thinking?
That's what I'm saying,
the shit messes with
your brain chemistry.
You could trigger
schizophrenia.
You could trigger
bipolar disorder.
Guys, come on, take the
electrodes off your head.
Let's go grab a cup
of coffee or something.
Okay.
Excuse me. Sir, we're
gonna need you to
come out of this room.
Fine, but my friends
are coming with me.
Being here
is the best place for them.
At least until the drugs
wear off.
You took it already.
Ah, yeah.
About a half-hour ago.
Oh, God. I don't
feel right, Loudermilk.
I don't feel right at all.
That shit
you were talking about
is starting to trigger.
I'm starting to feel
that paranoid schizophrenic
Polar Express!
What did you say to him?
Oh, my God.
You're sending him
down a dark path.
Nothing.
I didn't say...
Hey.
What the... Holy shit!
What are you, a tree?
Everything's gonna be fine.
No!
Deep breaths.
Happy thoughts.
No happy thoughts.
IHOb? I want pancakes!
All right.
You can still get pancakes.
They didn't
take it off the menu.
You just have
more choices now.
Listen, I-I-I got
another buddy, okay.
He dropped acid every weekend
for 10 years.
He's running a successful
tech company.
A tech... I'm not qualified
to run a tech company!
Could you please get
that man out of there?
I don't want burgers!
I want pancakes!
And I don't want
technology!
Someone else
would run the company.
You...
Pancakes!
...Flying!
Holy shit!
Mugsy's losing his shit
in there.
We got to help him.
He's fine.
He's on an inward journey
of self discovery.
That's not always pretty.
Shit!
Everything is beautiful, man!
Right?
Everything is beautiful.
Things are
lighting up, man.
It's like a Christmas tree
on the Fourth of July!
He's mixing his metaphors.
Can you...
Hey, Mugsy.
How you doing there, buddy?
Y-You're gonna be
okay, Mugs.
God?
God, is that you?
Because I've been trying
to be a good boy.
Mugsy, it's...
No, it's not God.
It's Loudermilk.
Loudermilk, you are God!
We're all God
if we want to be, man.
Hey. Hey, man.
Loudermilk,
can you come here?
'Cause I need a hug.
You're gonna be okay,
all right?
You just gotta relax.
No! Because I'm a fuck-up,
and I'm nothing like God!
And it's never been more clear
since I took this devil drug.
You're not a fuck-up.
Y-You're an alcoholic
who's trying to do
the right thing, all right?
Just like God would do
if God was an alcoholic.
You want to see a fuck-up?
Look at me.
I'm a middle-aged guy who
cleans floors at a bank.
Okay, shut up!
Okay, it's always about you.
It's always about you. We get it.
You lost your wife and you lost your job,
and blah, blah, blah!
So, stop moping,
and start growing.
Growing how?
Maybe if you stopped
focusing on yourself
for once, huh?
Maybe if just once just
think about some other
person just...
Just once in your life,
and I promise you,
things will get better
because we're all part
of the same thing.
And quit pretending
that you're not!
♪♪
Here, drink this.
You need to wake up.
You look like shit.
No, I don't trust
that stuff.
I like to recreate
the kick in the nuts
I used to get from meth.
I used to do some of my best
work on stimulants...
Till I did my worst work.
Ah, fuck, I wish
I hadn't drank that.
What are they
doing here?
Oh, they just wanted to
come and support us.
Where are
our witnesses?
Oh, right,
I meant to tell you.
You know, o-our waitress,
she couldn't get anybody
to cover her shift,
but don't worry.
Allison should be here
any minute.
But... God, I told you
not to involve her.
All rise.
The honorable
Judge Jacob Reynolds
presiding.
Be seated, everyone.
Attorneys, please rise.
We're not looking to waste
the court's time, Your Honor,
so I'll make this quick.
My client sustained injuries
as a result
of Mr. Loudermilk's
wanton actions,
and now we're simply
seeking compensation
for medical bills
and missed work.
It's an open-and-shut case,
Your Honor,
and we're perfectly happy
to settle.
"Open-and-shut."
You know what else would be
open-and-shut?
The plaintiff's
oversized casket
if my client hadn't been
in the restaurant that day!
Order!
I take it this means
you're not settling?
Hell, no. This whole
court case is a sham
and a money grab.
It's an insult
to the justice system
we all swore an oath to,
and you know it!
Now, my client, he may
have a checkered past,
littered with drugs, alcohol,
and God knows what else,
but this man is a true hero
who stepped up
when nobody else would.
Let's tone down
the histrionics, counsel.
He'll get an opportunity
to prove that.
Okay, thank you for
those comforting words, sir,
and I'll also prove
beyond a reasonable doubt that
that man is an
ungrateful prick
for suing my client!
Language, counsel!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, ungrateful penis.
Now, I'm understanding
that there was a doctor
in the restaurant
when this happened?
Yes, Your Honor.
Uh, in fact
he's on his way
into the courtroom right now.
Sorry I'm late.
I was taking a nine-volt
battery of a seven-year-old
boy's lower intestine.
No, objection!
I want that stricken
from the record.
Overruled, but noted.
And as a trained professional,
I was taking all appropriate
precautions,
taking my time
to assess the situation.
Another five seconds,
and I would've got up
to do what needed to be done.
Properly.
This guy is
fucking us in the ass.
The judge looks like he wants
to suck him off
right here
in the courtroom.
I beg your pardon,
counsel?
I kindly ask to be given
some privacy
when conferring
with my client, Your Honor.
We need to go
scorched earth
on this motherfucker
or else you're gonna end up
owing him six figures.
Six figures?
Jesus Christ.
Look, just do
what you gotta do.
You sure? 'Cause if you let me
take the cuffs off,
there might be
some forest fires
you might need to
put out right after.
Fuck's sake.
Just do your thing.
I don't have any money
to pay this douchebag.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Hey, hi.
Carl feels really bad
about being here, but...
Yeah, well, he should.
He's an asshole.
Well, he was subpoenaed.
Your Honor,
this witness has a grudge
against my client,
therefore his
testimony is tainted.
Why would I have
a grudge?
Yes, I-I-I don't follow,
Mr. Goldbaum.
Well, let the record show
that my client was having
vigorous sex
with the doctor's
girlfriend!
You slept with him?
No.
No, I-I just, uh...
Well, I-I-I...
Oh, Jesus.
I knew it. I knew it.
That's why you've been
acting so weird.
I haven't been acting weird.
Excuse me! Perhaps you two
could discuss this
when the proceedings
are over.
From what I understand,
my client gave it to her
real good, Your Honor.
Multiple times
every which way.That's not true.
It was good,
but it was one time
in coup... Couple of ways.
You know what? Screw it.
I don't need this shit.
I have patients to tend to.
You're lucky people's lives
depend on these hands.
Yeah, except when they're
choking in a restaurant,
you fucking charlatan!
Jesus Christ.
I...
I swear I didn't tell
him to do that.
Oh, you must
be that Allison
everyone's talking about.
And how are you today?
Un-fucking-believable.
Without Dr. Reed's testimony,
the court has no choice
but to find in favor
of the defendant.
Okay, let's go.
Okay. It's over?
Who told you
I was sleeping
with her?
Well, I warned you I was gonna
turn over every stone.
Who told you?
Claire may have
let it slip out
during her deposition.
Do you even know
what a deposition is?
Yeah, it's when somebody tells
you shit in the kitchen.
I'm back!
I didn't know you
had it in you, Loudermilk.
That chick was
banging hot, dude.
First of all,
do me a favor...
Mugsy, are you
all right over there?
Yeah, man.
I-I'm just...
I'm still seeing a weird,
glowing light around
everything.
But, uh, they said
that was supposed to go away
in a... In a few weeks.
Or not.
Ed? Is that you?
Oh, yeah.
See?
One ayahuasca trip,
and he's a whole new man.
No, no, no. This suit is new.
The man inside is not.
I ended up spending the night
in a jail cell.
Got to go see a judge
this afternoon.
Well, trust me,
Eddie, baby,
that's gonna help
a lot in court.
You got to be kidding.
Ed, you hired him?
Why not?
I'm on a roll.
We're gonna sue
the fuckin' balls
off that study
for not properly
containing him.
He could've been killed trying
to have sex with that car.
Don't judge.
It was one of them
new curvy Mustangs.
Hey, Cloud, we're gonna take
your cousin for all he's got.
We're gonna
fucking destroy him!
♪♪
What are you working on
over there?
Oh, Felix said I could write
some lyrics for the band.
Oh, my God. He's letting you
write lyrics now?
See, this is how
it starts.
And the next thing you know,
you're screeching into a mic
at the top of your lungs
and telling Felix
that he doesn't need
Ringo, George, and Paul.
Oh, I don't know.
I quite like the one
you read me about
the little tree
that didn't get enough
sunshine and water.
That sounds terrible.
It's a metaphor
for not getting
what we need in life.
Oh!
I didn't get that.
I'll give you $100
if you didn't rhyme the words
"tree" and "free."
Fuck you!
Yep.
I'd like to see you write
a song. It's not easy.
I have written songs.
Parts of songs, anyway.
You remember
Marcy Playground?
Fuck, yes, I remember
Marcy Playground.
I was the guy in 1995
that told John Wozniak
it smelled like sex and candy
in his tour van.
Wh-What?
Yeah.
Dude, that's a great song.
Thank you.
Okay, you guys
are gonna have to finish
this convo without me
because I am going to my very
first band practice.
Okay, break a leg.
Thank you.
You shouldn't encourage her.
Oh, come on. She's putting
herself out there,
trying something new.
There's nothing
wrong with that.
Hey, you got any more
Marcy Playground stories?
Hey, you made it.
Hey.
Uh, Claire,
these are the boys.
Hi.
Boys, this is Claire.
Um, why don't we start from
the beginning of Steady
and just grab
the tambourine.
Come in whenever
you're feeling it.
Cool.
Cool.
♪♪
♪ I got street cred Gunpowder-gray eyes
♪ And a...
♪♪
♪ Six pounds of state jewelry on my ankles and wrists
♪♪
Maybe just play it
a little less
now that I'm singing.
Okay.
It's good.
♪♪
♪ I'm just looking for a place to spend the rest of my sins
♪ Before the jig is up and I can go home
♪ And it's a...
♪♪
♪ We ain't living We're just trying to survive
♪♪
♪ Uptown, loaded, and let down
♪ And vanished in the air
♪ And we're steady
going nowhere
♪♪
♪ Where's your smile?
Then draw the blinds
♪ And then pull back
the covers
♪♪
♪ Said "It's been nice
being friends
♪ "Now can we just be lovers?"
♪♪
♪ Well, it's hard
being a pimp
♪ Can I cower 'neath
the concrete sun?
♪ You can get
a lethal injection
in the Sunshine State
♪ Or an alley down
on Hastings Street
♪ And it's a... ♪