Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - White Rabbit - full transcript
Hanky Klocko's dead,
and our debt will be
buried with him forever.
Guys, Tony
didn't kill anybody.
It was me.
What was you?
Killed him.
I did it for you guys.
I'm hoping this can stay
in the room.
You're calling
the cops, right?Absolutely.
Have you been drinking, sir?
What? No.
I'd like to see your papers.
Okay.
I'm just gonna go
to my glove compartment
and get them for you.
Hey! Hey! You!
I mean, we... We all heard
that you'd been arrested.
It's really hard to prove
a murder case without a body,
and I hid it really well.
I don't get it.
How is it that this kid's
still walking around free?
He confessed to a murder
in front of 12 people.
Yeah, well,
pinning a murder rap
on someone ain't that easy.
Yeah, it is!
It's incredibly easy.
You have 12 people
who will testify
in court
that he confessed.
Whoa, whoa. 11.
I don't want to get involved.
Yeah, right, but,
I'm gonna be honest here.
You guys aren't the most
credible witnesses.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Well, most of you have
criminal records.
You're addicts
and alcoholics
or you've been arrested
for prostitution.
What? Never!
I ain't talking about you.
Sorry, but
until we find a body
or this guy
walks into the station
and confesses to us,
this is just
a missing persons case.
Officer Dreamy Eyes
is right.
We've all
had checkered pasts.
Our word isn't good enough
to rest a murder case on.
What the hell
are we gonna do?
I can't sit in the room
with ol' creepy-ass,
dead-eyed killer
Macaulay Culkin. Mmm-mmm!
Exactly.
We can't have some murderer
looking at us.
It's going to fuck
everything up.
Question is... Who's gonna
man up and deal with it?
Well, I guess
that's gonna fall on me.
So you're gonna let him know
he's not welcome?
No, I'm gonna switch up
the meeting times
and not tell him.
♪♪
So, I want to thank you all
for, uh, helping me
with Dartgate,
and, uh, since then,
I've been...
I've been feeling
pretty good.
Real good.
All right, good.
Next time, though,
when you're thinking about
picking up,
reach out to somebody.
Get rid of
the 99-pound phone, yeah?
Uh, before we
wrap this up,
I just want to say
this is
the new meeting time
going forward.
Thank you
for being flexible
about it.
I think it's important,
we had a lot going on,
but we need
to pull together,
and we need to focus
on what we're trying...
Hey.
Cisco.
Present.
Are you?
'Cause being present is about
more than just your presence.
That's a good one.
Did you hear what I said?
Yeah. You said,
"Being present
"is about more than
just your presence".
Are you taking notes?
Dude, that's assault.
Really?
What the fuck
is "Loudermilk Says?"
It's my Twitter account.
Why does it have
my name on it?
'Cause I started it
to document
all the great things
you say in group.
You're tweeting out shit
that I say in here?
Hey, that's a clear
and present violation
of our anonymity policy!
I only use Loudermilk's name,
and he's listed as the leader
on the Sober Friend's website,
so shut up, you little weasel.
No, little weasel's right.
This is a private meeting,
okay?
What's said in this room
should stay in this room.
I'm not putting anybody's
personal business,
just tidbits
of Loudermilk's wisdom.
Loudermilk wisdom?
Now there's an oxymoron.
Last week's tweet had
800 retweets.
Not so moronic.
800?
What, is that a lot?
Yeah, it's not bad.
The account has almost
2,000 followers.
Yeah, Mugsy, just speak.
It's not homeroom.
You don't have to...
Okay, okay.
Listen.
I'm not
an addiction psychiatric
specialist doctor,
but if it's helping
more than the people
that are in this room,
that's a good thing, no?
I mean, why not help...
Was it thousands?
Rather than 12?
Okay, well, I guess
if nobody
has a problem with it,
and, uh, Cisco's not putting
personal shit out there...
Though if it does come up,
you can let them know
I'm single,
I have killer eyebrows,
and I'm a huge
Pittsburgh Penguins fan.
Dude, I just finished
saying, there's no
personal stuff on it.
It's about Loudermilk,
and only Loudermilk.
♪♪
Why are you on my phone?
Oh, I'm looking at Cisco's
stupid Twitter thing.
I... I never knew I said
so many intelligent things.
"If you're an alky
and you pick up a drink,
"for all intensive purposes,
you're a dumb fuck."
You sure that's not
Maya Angelou?
Fuck me. Cisco...
He wrote "for all
intensive purposes".
It's "intents and purposes".
Now someone's going to think
I'm an idiot.
Check it out.
I got you some
Shinola headphones.
How can you afford
Shinola headphones?
I can't, but, uh, I know
you like them so much
because you got
that turntable,
and did you know
they're made in Detroit,
and they pay
their employees pretty well,
so I thought this would
be something...
There you go.
Hey!
I see you got the Vitamix
I sent you.
You know
what that is, right?
That is the Cadillac
of blenders right there, sir.
Look, if this is some kind of
feeble attempt to make amends,
why don't you focus
on somebody else?
I'm not interested.
Well, everybody else
has already accepted
my amends...es.
Who did you make amends to?
Lots of people.
Look, here.
I made a list.
Okay, me and your mom
is not a "list".
And I don't know
how you managed that
because she's been
dead for six years.
Prayer.
How come
I'm not on there?
Uh, 'cause I didn't
do anything to you.
No? You made this a very
unstable environment for me
when I was in the beginning
of my recovery.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Yeah? I also gave you
a free place to stay.
You know, Loudermilk wanted
to kick your scrawny ass
out on the street.
Fine.
Apology accepted.
Sam, come on.
Everybody I've apologized
to has accepted
except for you.
How about the guy you ran over
when you were drunk?
What guy?
The homeless guy.
I hit his shopping cart.
You want me to make
amends for that?Yeah.
Well... He's a vagrant.
I mean, they live
a nomadic lifestyle.
I wouldn't be able to know
where to find him if I tried.
Why don't you try the spot
where you hit him?
It's not like he's
a migrating buffalo.
They tend to stick
in one area.
But he's a crazy person.
He thought his shopping cart
was a car.
I mean, if I make amends
for that, he's going to think
I'm inviting him
to the prom.
Better pick out
a nice corsage.
Okay. I'm going to get going
back to my storage unit
where I no longer
I have a roommate
and my neighbor is a hooker
who I'm pretty sure stabbed
a guy last night
for short-changing her.
Girl's got to get paid!
♪♪
Excuse me.
Hey, how's it going?
My name's Ben, and I just
came here to apologize to you
for something
that actually happened
a while back.
Of course.
Mr. Hit-and-Run.
Wow. Great memory.
You don't forget
something like that.
You know my vehicle
was in the shop for a week.
And I feel awful,
which is why I came here
to apologize to you.
I... I had actually
just relapsed at the time.
I'm sure you know
what that's like.
Not really, no,
but I can empathize.
My brother struggles
with addiction.
Messed up his whole life.
Every family's
got one, I guess.
Yeah, okay.
Well, if we're done here,
I'll let you get back to it.
What if I'd been pushing
a stroller that day
with my toddler son
inside?
Do you even have a son?
Oh, my God.
Do you have no decency, sir?
How the heck would I know?
How cruel of you
to torment me
with the fact
that I am barren?
Jesus Christ.
But if I did have a son,
his lifeless, little body
would have been broken
on the hood
of your fancy gold car.
Silver. Silver.
Oh, so sorry, Mr. Gatsby.
Sometimes I get
my precious metals confused.
Oh, motherfucker!
- So my boss Hal...
- "I'm Hal"...
...screams at me
in front of the entire
receiving department,
for no reason,
zero reason.
No reason?
He screamed at you
for absolutely no reason?
What would your boss say
if he were sitting here
right now?
Okay.
Well, he'd probably
come in here and go,
"Mugsy, Mugsy,
what the fuck
are you doing here
in this church rec room
when you're still
on the clock?"
Wait, you're still
on the clock?
Yeah, yeah.
I slip out all the time.
Nobody knows.
But when I'm working,
I'm working.
I don't slack off.
Okay.
Um...
Just an observation, Mugsy,
but I've noticed that
you tend to lash out
at people
even when you're often
in the wrong.
Fuck you, ass-chin!
What's your point?
I'm just saying... Maybe you
should stop externalizing
every time something
goes wrong in your life.
Yeah,
ass-chin does
have a point, okay?
There's a reason
that externalize
ends in "lies".
What's going on, Cisco?
You haven't written anything
down the whole meeting.
Just waiting
for something good.
What about that "externalize"
thing I just said?
It's a little confusing.
Jesus, Loudermilk,
not everything you say
is tweet-tastic.
"Tweet-tastic".
Oh.
Oh, come on.
You're going
to write thatdown?
Yeah, it's funny and,
like, kind of profound
if you think about it.
You know, Cisco, I also say
a lot of insightful things
from time to time.
Maybe you can quote me.
Like what?
Okay, well, uh,
life is like an onion.
You peel one layer
at a time, and, uh...
Sometimes
it makes you weep.
Okay. I was going to say
"sometimes it makes
your fingers stink",
but, yeah, six of one,
half a dozen of another.
Cisco, write this down.
I relate everything
to Tetris.
If one thing
that game's taught me
anything about life,
it's that errors pile up
and accomplishments disappear.
Whoa!
Fuck, yeah.
I believe it was
St. Thomas Aquinas who said,
"The things we love
define who we are".
Hm, I think that was actually
Flaubert that said that.
Flaubert.
Are y'all kidding me?
Flaubert?
St. Thomas Aquinas?
Man, you all are a bunch
of motherfucking posers!
Thank you, Stevie.
Thank you.
There's a lot of ego
in this room right now.
Way too much ego.
It's concerning.
And let's not lose sight
of the fact that
this is "Loudermilk Says."
Holy shit!
We just hit 3,000 followers.
How is that
even possible?
A lot of people retweeted
yesterday's tweet.
Which one?
Um.
"If the past calls,
let it go to voicemail.
"It has nothing new
to say to you."
You know what I love
about what I did there is...
Loudermilk
changed the meeting time!
I thought I told you
about that, though, right?
I did call you.
It doesn't matter.
We've got a couple
minutes left.
Uh, so if you have something
that you do want to say,
just jump right in.
The time is all yours now.
Um, you know, so...
I'm sure you have a lot
on your mind.
Hmm. No.
Okay. Good meeting.
Um, just leave the chairs
where they are
'cause I think we're...
We're gonna be back.
Go away!
Is there a Ben
in there with you?
Oh, great.
What are you? Slumming?
Uh, no.
We wanted to stop by,
see if you were doing okay.
What happened
to your eye?
Funny story...
The homeless gentleman
that you had me
make amends with?
He spat in it.
Oh, God.
You must've been pissed.
Hey, Ben.
Hey. How's it going, Eugene?
He claims it was a sneeze,
but, uh, there was no build-up
or warning, just...
Right in my eye.
Do most sneezes
have a warning?Yeah, they do.
It's the "Ah, ah"
part of the "Ah-choo."
This was just "Choo!"
Just bang.
Man, that really
doesn't look good.
I mean, I think
you might have
some kind of,
like,
flesh-eating thing.
You know, when you
share spit with a bum,
you're sharing every Dumpster
gumbo he's ever slurped down.
Oh, geez.
It really itches bad.
It's like...
Well, stop rubbing it.
You're making it worse.
Thanks, buddy.
That's really sweet of you.
I have an appointment
with a doctor
later today, so...
Well, you should bring
that homeless guy.
Have him tested, too.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Whatever he gave you
might not show up
in your blood for months,
but they can test him now,
and you can get a beat on it.
That makes sense.
Jesus.
You guys want to come in?
No.
No.
♪♪
Thank you.
Hey, man. Hey.
Ah.
Well, well, look who's back.
You come to give me
another half-baked apology?
No, but I got to thinking
to myself.
I got to do something nice
for this gentlemen, you know,
just to make up
for that half-assed apology.
Can you get to the point, sir?
I'm trying to work here.
Hey. Ooh.
Look, as I was walking up
the street,
I was thinking maybe
I could take the gentleman
for a cup of coffee,
and then you don't need that.
And then, I thought,
oh, how about I buy
some more window cleaner?
But looks like you're
pretty well topped up.
And then it hit me.
How about a medical checkup?
Medical checkup?
Yeah, a medical checkup.
Yeah, I can't imagine you
get those very often.
And why, pray tell
would you think
I don't get proper
medical care?
Well, be... Because...
You know, you're homeless.
Excuse me, sir?
I have a home.
You do?
Yeah.
Right there.
You know, not everyone has
a "traditional"
brick-and-mortar
dwelling, sir.
Yeah?
I don't need much room,
and I like the fact
that my carbon footprint
is small.
Right.
So what do you say, huh?
Are you going to let me
take you to an appointment?
'Cause if you don't,
I'll tell you what.
I'm going to come right back
down here every day
and pester you
until you say "yes".
Really?
No, this is your only shot.
Hmm.
Well, you know,
there are a couple things
I wouldn't mind
getting looked at.
I do have a curious nodule
on my undercarriage.
Hunh. You know, "Case
of the Curious Nodule"
is my favorite
Sherlock Holmes mystery.
Hey, hey, there you go!
Come on.
Look, I already made
an appointment,
and it's on me.
What do you say?
All right.
There we go.
That's a guy.
Gentlemen, who should
I talk to first?
Ben or Barrington?
Uh, you can talk
to both of us.
Barrington? Really?
What?
I ran a full battery
of tests,
and all the blood-work
came back clean.
Oh!
Thank the lucky stars.
Okay, cool. So this...
This thing
where he sneezed
in my eye?
This is nothing?
Just a sty.
It'll go away
if you stop rubbing it.
And for the record,
I did not sneeze in your eye.
I sneezed in your eye's
general direction.
Yeah? Well, it felt like
I was sitting in
the first row at SeaWorld.
Figures.
You would go to SeaWorld.
Oh, great. Okay.
This is insulting.
Take me home.
Not so fast.
It's...not all good.
Barrington, you have serious
coronary issues.
How serious?
You need a triple by-pass.
What?
Wow.
Yeah, that is
certainly serious.
You know, I'm gonna let you
two sort this out.
And, uh, hey, good luck.
You're leaving?
You said this was on you?
Well, yeah, I mean, yeah, when
I thought they were going to
give you, you know,
like a tube of Lotrimin
or a tetanus shot,
not open-heart surgery.
I mean...
I get it.
Great.
All right. Look.
How much
is this going to cost?
It's like triple by-pass,
so that's what?
1, 2, $300?
It's a bit more than that.
We've got people who can talk
about a payment plan.
Super. Excellent.
That makes sense.
Or, you know,
if we're smart,
and since he's probably
headied in that direction
anyway,
we can wait until he needs
a quadruple by-pass,
then we'll just knock them
all out at the same time.
How about that?
Let me state this as clearly
as I can.
If Barrington doesn't have
heart surgery ASAP,
he's a ticking time bomb.
Mm-hmm. Okay, now,
when you say "time bomb",
how long or short
is that fuse?
A time bomb
don't have a fuse.
It just blows.
Dr. Ross, Maternity.
Dr. Ross, Maternity.
Wow.
Am I ever glad you talked me
into coming here today.
You saved my life, brother.
Happy to help.
I'll tell you what.
You work my corner
while I'm laid up in here
and put the money
towards my medical bills,
we'll call it even.
You want me to wash
windshields on the street?
Uh, no.
Look, don't worry about it.
I'll figure out another way
to get the money.
No, it's not just about
the money, sir.
It's taken me years
to claim that little chunk
of real estate
and build up my clientele.
Clientele?
Look, I'm not hanging out
in your corner
for the next two
or three weeks.
That's insane.
Fine.
Then I'm out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, come on.
Get back down there.
Look, I've been hanging out
in the finance office
for the past three hours,
filling out papers for you.
Blood has been spilled
defending that corner
from interlopers, sir.
If I'm laid up here,
even for a couple days,
someone will claim it.
And the thought of that
is stressing me out!
Oh, boy, oh, wow,
there it is.
Nurse!
It really does feel like
an elephant's on your chest.
Okay. Look, look, look.
I'll do... I'll do it, okay?
I'll do it.
♪♪
Where is everybody?
Don't worry about them.
I need to talk to you...
Alone.
Why don't you have a seat?
Listen. I know you've had
a tough life.
You mentioned that your dad
was a bad man.
I'm guessing
he had his own
substance-abuse issues...
Probably beat on you
and your mom?
No, no, no. No.
Nothing like that.
Okay, well,
whatever he did...
He said I had to be out of his
place by my 25th birthday.
That seems pretty...
Reasonable...
But hey, I...
I wasn't there.
He didn't tell me
until my 24th birthday.
It was my birthday, man.
Hmm.
Yeah, I can s...
I'm just gonna
say it, okay?
You got to confess
to the police.
You got to tell them
everything.
You got to tell them
where the body is.
Why would I do that?
Because this program,
these meetings
that you've been
attending regularly for
the last couple of months...
Two years.
Two years.
It's all about
rigorous honesty, okay?
And trying to live
with a thing like this,
it's going to eat
your ass up, man.
It's going to send you back
to the bottle, to the H,
to whatever
your drug of choice was.
Pot.
To the pot.
Really. It... Pot.
Yeah. Pot is bad.
Pot is... Is...
It's really bad.
Um, it was just pot?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Pot's a gateway
to more pot.
If I tell the cops what I did,
they'll lock me up.
Well,
we don't know that.
You didn't kill that guy until
after he threatened us, right?
So that's
like self-defense.
Were you the one
who called the cops on me?
Yeah.
Yeah, that was me.
I...
Rigorous honesty, right?
I was looking out
for my group...
And for you.
Look...
Here's the deal.
You got to pay the price
for the things you do
in this life,
and you can pay it now
and get it over with
or you're going
to pay it later.
Later's always worse.
I know it seems crazy,
but this...
This is the easiest way.
Okay.
Okay what?
I'll turn myself in.
You're making
the right decision.
I am really proud
of you, um...
Walter.
Walter. Walter.
Really, really proud.
How about I take you
to the station,
make sure
they treat you right.
All right.
Yeah.
Hey, um, Loudermilk...
Yeah?
You think I can come back
to the group when I get out?
Absolutely, Walter.
You can always come back.
♪♪
There we go.
All right.
Okay. Nice.
Thank you very much!
Hey, come again!
Shit! Hey, buddy!
This is my corner!
All right?
I'm a big, crazy mama dog
with eight swollen nipples!
And nobody's gonna
take my babies!
Take it easy there,
big fella.
I own the cafe
down the street.
I just wanted to give you
some of our day-old bread.
Oh. Oh,
what a lovely gesture.
I'm sorry for hollering.
Thank you very much.
I'm actually doing
the no-carb thing right now,
but it's my cheat day,
so I appreciate it.
Thanks.
Hey, mama dog.
Need some water?
Oh, water would be great.
Yeah.
No way this bread
is just one-day old.
How'd you know where I was?
One of the group guys
saw you and was worried.
I'm just making amends,
you know.
The homeless guy, he's, uh...
He's in the hospital,
so I'm just watching
his corner until he gets out.
Oh, okay.
Anyway,
it's, uh, rush hour,
so I should probably
get back to the grind.
But, uh, thank you.
Thanks for coming by, Sam.
Hey, Ben. Um...
Listen, I've been thinking...
Maybe when
you're done here,
why don't you spend the night
on the couch tonight?
Really?
Yeah,
but only if you get back
going to meetings.
Cool, cool.
Yeah.
I'll get back in touch
with my group.
Oh, the group that let you
drink all last year?
No. Uh-uh, uh-uh.
You're coming
to my meetings.
I don't know, Loudermilk.
I mean, you know,
I went to your meeting once.
Those guys are all a bunch
of fucking wackos.
You're wearing two
different shoes,
and you have a fucking turkey
on your he...
You know, f...
Eh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sam? Sam?
That sounds good.
I'll do it.
All right.
Okay.
See ya. Okay.
I'll see you tonight.
- All right, everybody.
- Let's, uh, let's sit down.
Listen up.
I have some good news.
I took Walter in today
to the police station
to turn himself in
for the murder.
Who the fuck is Walter?
How many murderers do we have
in here, dipshit?
How... How'd you get him
to do it?
I just had a heart to heart
with the kid
about the value
of doing the right thing.
To his credit, he did it.
See, that's the kind of shit
why "Loudermilk Says"
just cracked
10,000 followers, baby!
Shut up. Really?
Hey, hey, hey.
Wait.
What's this?
"Loudermilk says Papa John's
is the best pizza in town"?
I never said that.
Yeah, I think you said
that last week.
Why would I say that
in a meeting?
I don't know.
Maybe you were hungry.
There's also one
for a DUI law firm
and a doggy day care.
Okay. Look, man.
Now that we have
this many followers,
I was able
to get some companies
to pay for advertising.
Pay who?
Pay... Pay us?
Yeah.
I'll give you 40%.
No, I want 50%, and I want
approval over the sponsors.
No more fucking Papa John's,
and if Red Lobster calls,
that's a hard no.
Deal.
Hang on there.
I think we should all
get a cut, like 10% each
or something.
Yeah, all 12 of us
should get 10%.
Yeah.
That sounds fair.
Yeah, we're all part of
the creative process here.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is our jam.
Is it? "The miserable have no
other medicine but hope
"and tequila."
That was mine.
It was a play
on a Shakespeare quote.
You've posted things
from all of us.
Okay, so I sample
from the group,
but none of it's
copyrightable.
Well, then,
maybe you should call it
"Cool Things I Heard
in Group", so nobody here
feels slighted.
If I changed the name, I'd
have to get a new account.
I'd lose all my followers.
If that's how you feel,
please don't quote me anymore.
That's fine.
You're blacklisted anyways.
I got into a lot of shit
for that Tetris quote.
Why?
That was a solid quote.
From Bill Murray.
You plagiarized
Bill Murray?
It's called
parallel thinking.
Sometimes two people can have
the same idea
almost simultaneously.
Yeah, except he said
it ten years ago.
Not cool, Tony.
Not cool.
Well, you know,
I'm pretty sure
the thing you said
about the voicemail
wasn't yours either.
Uh, there's a small chance
that maybe I heard that
or I read it
and it lodged in my...
In my subconscious,
but I wouldn't...
Okay, you know what?
Forget it.
Forget it.
New rule.
Put the phones away.
All right?
No more phones
in the meetings.
That's it.
We're here to get sober,
not famous.
Oh, that's a good quote.
Yeah, get that in there.
But that's
the last one!
♪ Step out ♪
♪ Step out of our cages ♪
♪ Step out ♪
♪ Of our paper cages ♪
♪ Step out ♪
♪ Step out of our cages ♪
♪ We're living our lives
in paper cages ♪
♪ Step out ♪
Come on!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Living our lives
in paper cages ♪
♪ Living our lives
in paper cages ♪
♪ Living our lives
in paper cages ♪
♪ Step out ♪
and our debt will be
buried with him forever.
Guys, Tony
didn't kill anybody.
It was me.
What was you?
Killed him.
I did it for you guys.
I'm hoping this can stay
in the room.
You're calling
the cops, right?Absolutely.
Have you been drinking, sir?
What? No.
I'd like to see your papers.
Okay.
I'm just gonna go
to my glove compartment
and get them for you.
Hey! Hey! You!
I mean, we... We all heard
that you'd been arrested.
It's really hard to prove
a murder case without a body,
and I hid it really well.
I don't get it.
How is it that this kid's
still walking around free?
He confessed to a murder
in front of 12 people.
Yeah, well,
pinning a murder rap
on someone ain't that easy.
Yeah, it is!
It's incredibly easy.
You have 12 people
who will testify
in court
that he confessed.
Whoa, whoa. 11.
I don't want to get involved.
Yeah, right, but,
I'm gonna be honest here.
You guys aren't the most
credible witnesses.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Well, most of you have
criminal records.
You're addicts
and alcoholics
or you've been arrested
for prostitution.
What? Never!
I ain't talking about you.
Sorry, but
until we find a body
or this guy
walks into the station
and confesses to us,
this is just
a missing persons case.
Officer Dreamy Eyes
is right.
We've all
had checkered pasts.
Our word isn't good enough
to rest a murder case on.
What the hell
are we gonna do?
I can't sit in the room
with ol' creepy-ass,
dead-eyed killer
Macaulay Culkin. Mmm-mmm!
Exactly.
We can't have some murderer
looking at us.
It's going to fuck
everything up.
Question is... Who's gonna
man up and deal with it?
Well, I guess
that's gonna fall on me.
So you're gonna let him know
he's not welcome?
No, I'm gonna switch up
the meeting times
and not tell him.
♪♪
So, I want to thank you all
for, uh, helping me
with Dartgate,
and, uh, since then,
I've been...
I've been feeling
pretty good.
Real good.
All right, good.
Next time, though,
when you're thinking about
picking up,
reach out to somebody.
Get rid of
the 99-pound phone, yeah?
Uh, before we
wrap this up,
I just want to say
this is
the new meeting time
going forward.
Thank you
for being flexible
about it.
I think it's important,
we had a lot going on,
but we need
to pull together,
and we need to focus
on what we're trying...
Hey.
Cisco.
Present.
Are you?
'Cause being present is about
more than just your presence.
That's a good one.
Did you hear what I said?
Yeah. You said,
"Being present
"is about more than
just your presence".
Are you taking notes?
Dude, that's assault.
Really?
What the fuck
is "Loudermilk Says?"
It's my Twitter account.
Why does it have
my name on it?
'Cause I started it
to document
all the great things
you say in group.
You're tweeting out shit
that I say in here?
Hey, that's a clear
and present violation
of our anonymity policy!
I only use Loudermilk's name,
and he's listed as the leader
on the Sober Friend's website,
so shut up, you little weasel.
No, little weasel's right.
This is a private meeting,
okay?
What's said in this room
should stay in this room.
I'm not putting anybody's
personal business,
just tidbits
of Loudermilk's wisdom.
Loudermilk wisdom?
Now there's an oxymoron.
Last week's tweet had
800 retweets.
Not so moronic.
800?
What, is that a lot?
Yeah, it's not bad.
The account has almost
2,000 followers.
Yeah, Mugsy, just speak.
It's not homeroom.
You don't have to...
Okay, okay.
Listen.
I'm not
an addiction psychiatric
specialist doctor,
but if it's helping
more than the people
that are in this room,
that's a good thing, no?
I mean, why not help...
Was it thousands?
Rather than 12?
Okay, well, I guess
if nobody
has a problem with it,
and, uh, Cisco's not putting
personal shit out there...
Though if it does come up,
you can let them know
I'm single,
I have killer eyebrows,
and I'm a huge
Pittsburgh Penguins fan.
Dude, I just finished
saying, there's no
personal stuff on it.
It's about Loudermilk,
and only Loudermilk.
♪♪
Why are you on my phone?
Oh, I'm looking at Cisco's
stupid Twitter thing.
I... I never knew I said
so many intelligent things.
"If you're an alky
and you pick up a drink,
"for all intensive purposes,
you're a dumb fuck."
You sure that's not
Maya Angelou?
Fuck me. Cisco...
He wrote "for all
intensive purposes".
It's "intents and purposes".
Now someone's going to think
I'm an idiot.
Check it out.
I got you some
Shinola headphones.
How can you afford
Shinola headphones?
I can't, but, uh, I know
you like them so much
because you got
that turntable,
and did you know
they're made in Detroit,
and they pay
their employees pretty well,
so I thought this would
be something...
There you go.
Hey!
I see you got the Vitamix
I sent you.
You know
what that is, right?
That is the Cadillac
of blenders right there, sir.
Look, if this is some kind of
feeble attempt to make amends,
why don't you focus
on somebody else?
I'm not interested.
Well, everybody else
has already accepted
my amends...es.
Who did you make amends to?
Lots of people.
Look, here.
I made a list.
Okay, me and your mom
is not a "list".
And I don't know
how you managed that
because she's been
dead for six years.
Prayer.
How come
I'm not on there?
Uh, 'cause I didn't
do anything to you.
No? You made this a very
unstable environment for me
when I was in the beginning
of my recovery.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Yeah? I also gave you
a free place to stay.
You know, Loudermilk wanted
to kick your scrawny ass
out on the street.
Fine.
Apology accepted.
Sam, come on.
Everybody I've apologized
to has accepted
except for you.
How about the guy you ran over
when you were drunk?
What guy?
The homeless guy.
I hit his shopping cart.
You want me to make
amends for that?Yeah.
Well... He's a vagrant.
I mean, they live
a nomadic lifestyle.
I wouldn't be able to know
where to find him if I tried.
Why don't you try the spot
where you hit him?
It's not like he's
a migrating buffalo.
They tend to stick
in one area.
But he's a crazy person.
He thought his shopping cart
was a car.
I mean, if I make amends
for that, he's going to think
I'm inviting him
to the prom.
Better pick out
a nice corsage.
Okay. I'm going to get going
back to my storage unit
where I no longer
I have a roommate
and my neighbor is a hooker
who I'm pretty sure stabbed
a guy last night
for short-changing her.
Girl's got to get paid!
♪♪
Excuse me.
Hey, how's it going?
My name's Ben, and I just
came here to apologize to you
for something
that actually happened
a while back.
Of course.
Mr. Hit-and-Run.
Wow. Great memory.
You don't forget
something like that.
You know my vehicle
was in the shop for a week.
And I feel awful,
which is why I came here
to apologize to you.
I... I had actually
just relapsed at the time.
I'm sure you know
what that's like.
Not really, no,
but I can empathize.
My brother struggles
with addiction.
Messed up his whole life.
Every family's
got one, I guess.
Yeah, okay.
Well, if we're done here,
I'll let you get back to it.
What if I'd been pushing
a stroller that day
with my toddler son
inside?
Do you even have a son?
Oh, my God.
Do you have no decency, sir?
How the heck would I know?
How cruel of you
to torment me
with the fact
that I am barren?
Jesus Christ.
But if I did have a son,
his lifeless, little body
would have been broken
on the hood
of your fancy gold car.
Silver. Silver.
Oh, so sorry, Mr. Gatsby.
Sometimes I get
my precious metals confused.
Oh, motherfucker!
- So my boss Hal...
- "I'm Hal"...
...screams at me
in front of the entire
receiving department,
for no reason,
zero reason.
No reason?
He screamed at you
for absolutely no reason?
What would your boss say
if he were sitting here
right now?
Okay.
Well, he'd probably
come in here and go,
"Mugsy, Mugsy,
what the fuck
are you doing here
in this church rec room
when you're still
on the clock?"
Wait, you're still
on the clock?
Yeah, yeah.
I slip out all the time.
Nobody knows.
But when I'm working,
I'm working.
I don't slack off.
Okay.
Um...
Just an observation, Mugsy,
but I've noticed that
you tend to lash out
at people
even when you're often
in the wrong.
Fuck you, ass-chin!
What's your point?
I'm just saying... Maybe you
should stop externalizing
every time something
goes wrong in your life.
Yeah,
ass-chin does
have a point, okay?
There's a reason
that externalize
ends in "lies".
What's going on, Cisco?
You haven't written anything
down the whole meeting.
Just waiting
for something good.
What about that "externalize"
thing I just said?
It's a little confusing.
Jesus, Loudermilk,
not everything you say
is tweet-tastic.
"Tweet-tastic".
Oh.
Oh, come on.
You're going
to write thatdown?
Yeah, it's funny and,
like, kind of profound
if you think about it.
You know, Cisco, I also say
a lot of insightful things
from time to time.
Maybe you can quote me.
Like what?
Okay, well, uh,
life is like an onion.
You peel one layer
at a time, and, uh...
Sometimes
it makes you weep.
Okay. I was going to say
"sometimes it makes
your fingers stink",
but, yeah, six of one,
half a dozen of another.
Cisco, write this down.
I relate everything
to Tetris.
If one thing
that game's taught me
anything about life,
it's that errors pile up
and accomplishments disappear.
Whoa!
Fuck, yeah.
I believe it was
St. Thomas Aquinas who said,
"The things we love
define who we are".
Hm, I think that was actually
Flaubert that said that.
Flaubert.
Are y'all kidding me?
Flaubert?
St. Thomas Aquinas?
Man, you all are a bunch
of motherfucking posers!
Thank you, Stevie.
Thank you.
There's a lot of ego
in this room right now.
Way too much ego.
It's concerning.
And let's not lose sight
of the fact that
this is "Loudermilk Says."
Holy shit!
We just hit 3,000 followers.
How is that
even possible?
A lot of people retweeted
yesterday's tweet.
Which one?
Um.
"If the past calls,
let it go to voicemail.
"It has nothing new
to say to you."
You know what I love
about what I did there is...
Loudermilk
changed the meeting time!
I thought I told you
about that, though, right?
I did call you.
It doesn't matter.
We've got a couple
minutes left.
Uh, so if you have something
that you do want to say,
just jump right in.
The time is all yours now.
Um, you know, so...
I'm sure you have a lot
on your mind.
Hmm. No.
Okay. Good meeting.
Um, just leave the chairs
where they are
'cause I think we're...
We're gonna be back.
Go away!
Is there a Ben
in there with you?
Oh, great.
What are you? Slumming?
Uh, no.
We wanted to stop by,
see if you were doing okay.
What happened
to your eye?
Funny story...
The homeless gentleman
that you had me
make amends with?
He spat in it.
Oh, God.
You must've been pissed.
Hey, Ben.
Hey. How's it going, Eugene?
He claims it was a sneeze,
but, uh, there was no build-up
or warning, just...
Right in my eye.
Do most sneezes
have a warning?Yeah, they do.
It's the "Ah, ah"
part of the "Ah-choo."
This was just "Choo!"
Just bang.
Man, that really
doesn't look good.
I mean, I think
you might have
some kind of,
like,
flesh-eating thing.
You know, when you
share spit with a bum,
you're sharing every Dumpster
gumbo he's ever slurped down.
Oh, geez.
It really itches bad.
It's like...
Well, stop rubbing it.
You're making it worse.
Thanks, buddy.
That's really sweet of you.
I have an appointment
with a doctor
later today, so...
Well, you should bring
that homeless guy.
Have him tested, too.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Whatever he gave you
might not show up
in your blood for months,
but they can test him now,
and you can get a beat on it.
That makes sense.
Jesus.
You guys want to come in?
No.
No.
♪♪
Thank you.
Hey, man. Hey.
Ah.
Well, well, look who's back.
You come to give me
another half-baked apology?
No, but I got to thinking
to myself.
I got to do something nice
for this gentlemen, you know,
just to make up
for that half-assed apology.
Can you get to the point, sir?
I'm trying to work here.
Hey. Ooh.
Look, as I was walking up
the street,
I was thinking maybe
I could take the gentleman
for a cup of coffee,
and then you don't need that.
And then, I thought,
oh, how about I buy
some more window cleaner?
But looks like you're
pretty well topped up.
And then it hit me.
How about a medical checkup?
Medical checkup?
Yeah, a medical checkup.
Yeah, I can't imagine you
get those very often.
And why, pray tell
would you think
I don't get proper
medical care?
Well, be... Because...
You know, you're homeless.
Excuse me, sir?
I have a home.
You do?
Yeah.
Right there.
You know, not everyone has
a "traditional"
brick-and-mortar
dwelling, sir.
Yeah?
I don't need much room,
and I like the fact
that my carbon footprint
is small.
Right.
So what do you say, huh?
Are you going to let me
take you to an appointment?
'Cause if you don't,
I'll tell you what.
I'm going to come right back
down here every day
and pester you
until you say "yes".
Really?
No, this is your only shot.
Hmm.
Well, you know,
there are a couple things
I wouldn't mind
getting looked at.
I do have a curious nodule
on my undercarriage.
Hunh. You know, "Case
of the Curious Nodule"
is my favorite
Sherlock Holmes mystery.
Hey, hey, there you go!
Come on.
Look, I already made
an appointment,
and it's on me.
What do you say?
All right.
There we go.
That's a guy.
Gentlemen, who should
I talk to first?
Ben or Barrington?
Uh, you can talk
to both of us.
Barrington? Really?
What?
I ran a full battery
of tests,
and all the blood-work
came back clean.
Oh!
Thank the lucky stars.
Okay, cool. So this...
This thing
where he sneezed
in my eye?
This is nothing?
Just a sty.
It'll go away
if you stop rubbing it.
And for the record,
I did not sneeze in your eye.
I sneezed in your eye's
general direction.
Yeah? Well, it felt like
I was sitting in
the first row at SeaWorld.
Figures.
You would go to SeaWorld.
Oh, great. Okay.
This is insulting.
Take me home.
Not so fast.
It's...not all good.
Barrington, you have serious
coronary issues.
How serious?
You need a triple by-pass.
What?
Wow.
Yeah, that is
certainly serious.
You know, I'm gonna let you
two sort this out.
And, uh, hey, good luck.
You're leaving?
You said this was on you?
Well, yeah, I mean, yeah, when
I thought they were going to
give you, you know,
like a tube of Lotrimin
or a tetanus shot,
not open-heart surgery.
I mean...
I get it.
Great.
All right. Look.
How much
is this going to cost?
It's like triple by-pass,
so that's what?
1, 2, $300?
It's a bit more than that.
We've got people who can talk
about a payment plan.
Super. Excellent.
That makes sense.
Or, you know,
if we're smart,
and since he's probably
headied in that direction
anyway,
we can wait until he needs
a quadruple by-pass,
then we'll just knock them
all out at the same time.
How about that?
Let me state this as clearly
as I can.
If Barrington doesn't have
heart surgery ASAP,
he's a ticking time bomb.
Mm-hmm. Okay, now,
when you say "time bomb",
how long or short
is that fuse?
A time bomb
don't have a fuse.
It just blows.
Dr. Ross, Maternity.
Dr. Ross, Maternity.
Wow.
Am I ever glad you talked me
into coming here today.
You saved my life, brother.
Happy to help.
I'll tell you what.
You work my corner
while I'm laid up in here
and put the money
towards my medical bills,
we'll call it even.
You want me to wash
windshields on the street?
Uh, no.
Look, don't worry about it.
I'll figure out another way
to get the money.
No, it's not just about
the money, sir.
It's taken me years
to claim that little chunk
of real estate
and build up my clientele.
Clientele?
Look, I'm not hanging out
in your corner
for the next two
or three weeks.
That's insane.
Fine.
Then I'm out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, come on.
Get back down there.
Look, I've been hanging out
in the finance office
for the past three hours,
filling out papers for you.
Blood has been spilled
defending that corner
from interlopers, sir.
If I'm laid up here,
even for a couple days,
someone will claim it.
And the thought of that
is stressing me out!
Oh, boy, oh, wow,
there it is.
Nurse!
It really does feel like
an elephant's on your chest.
Okay. Look, look, look.
I'll do... I'll do it, okay?
I'll do it.
♪♪
Where is everybody?
Don't worry about them.
I need to talk to you...
Alone.
Why don't you have a seat?
Listen. I know you've had
a tough life.
You mentioned that your dad
was a bad man.
I'm guessing
he had his own
substance-abuse issues...
Probably beat on you
and your mom?
No, no, no. No.
Nothing like that.
Okay, well,
whatever he did...
He said I had to be out of his
place by my 25th birthday.
That seems pretty...
Reasonable...
But hey, I...
I wasn't there.
He didn't tell me
until my 24th birthday.
It was my birthday, man.
Hmm.
Yeah, I can s...
I'm just gonna
say it, okay?
You got to confess
to the police.
You got to tell them
everything.
You got to tell them
where the body is.
Why would I do that?
Because this program,
these meetings
that you've been
attending regularly for
the last couple of months...
Two years.
Two years.
It's all about
rigorous honesty, okay?
And trying to live
with a thing like this,
it's going to eat
your ass up, man.
It's going to send you back
to the bottle, to the H,
to whatever
your drug of choice was.
Pot.
To the pot.
Really. It... Pot.
Yeah. Pot is bad.
Pot is... Is...
It's really bad.
Um, it was just pot?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Pot's a gateway
to more pot.
If I tell the cops what I did,
they'll lock me up.
Well,
we don't know that.
You didn't kill that guy until
after he threatened us, right?
So that's
like self-defense.
Were you the one
who called the cops on me?
Yeah.
Yeah, that was me.
I...
Rigorous honesty, right?
I was looking out
for my group...
And for you.
Look...
Here's the deal.
You got to pay the price
for the things you do
in this life,
and you can pay it now
and get it over with
or you're going
to pay it later.
Later's always worse.
I know it seems crazy,
but this...
This is the easiest way.
Okay.
Okay what?
I'll turn myself in.
You're making
the right decision.
I am really proud
of you, um...
Walter.
Walter. Walter.
Really, really proud.
How about I take you
to the station,
make sure
they treat you right.
All right.
Yeah.
Hey, um, Loudermilk...
Yeah?
You think I can come back
to the group when I get out?
Absolutely, Walter.
You can always come back.
♪♪
There we go.
All right.
Okay. Nice.
Thank you very much!
Hey, come again!
Shit! Hey, buddy!
This is my corner!
All right?
I'm a big, crazy mama dog
with eight swollen nipples!
And nobody's gonna
take my babies!
Take it easy there,
big fella.
I own the cafe
down the street.
I just wanted to give you
some of our day-old bread.
Oh. Oh,
what a lovely gesture.
I'm sorry for hollering.
Thank you very much.
I'm actually doing
the no-carb thing right now,
but it's my cheat day,
so I appreciate it.
Thanks.
Hey, mama dog.
Need some water?
Oh, water would be great.
Yeah.
No way this bread
is just one-day old.
How'd you know where I was?
One of the group guys
saw you and was worried.
I'm just making amends,
you know.
The homeless guy, he's, uh...
He's in the hospital,
so I'm just watching
his corner until he gets out.
Oh, okay.
Anyway,
it's, uh, rush hour,
so I should probably
get back to the grind.
But, uh, thank you.
Thanks for coming by, Sam.
Hey, Ben. Um...
Listen, I've been thinking...
Maybe when
you're done here,
why don't you spend the night
on the couch tonight?
Really?
Yeah,
but only if you get back
going to meetings.
Cool, cool.
Yeah.
I'll get back in touch
with my group.
Oh, the group that let you
drink all last year?
No. Uh-uh, uh-uh.
You're coming
to my meetings.
I don't know, Loudermilk.
I mean, you know,
I went to your meeting once.
Those guys are all a bunch
of fucking wackos.
You're wearing two
different shoes,
and you have a fucking turkey
on your he...
You know, f...
Eh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sam? Sam?
That sounds good.
I'll do it.
All right.
Okay.
See ya. Okay.
I'll see you tonight.
- All right, everybody.
- Let's, uh, let's sit down.
Listen up.
I have some good news.
I took Walter in today
to the police station
to turn himself in
for the murder.
Who the fuck is Walter?
How many murderers do we have
in here, dipshit?
How... How'd you get him
to do it?
I just had a heart to heart
with the kid
about the value
of doing the right thing.
To his credit, he did it.
See, that's the kind of shit
why "Loudermilk Says"
just cracked
10,000 followers, baby!
Shut up. Really?
Hey, hey, hey.
Wait.
What's this?
"Loudermilk says Papa John's
is the best pizza in town"?
I never said that.
Yeah, I think you said
that last week.
Why would I say that
in a meeting?
I don't know.
Maybe you were hungry.
There's also one
for a DUI law firm
and a doggy day care.
Okay. Look, man.
Now that we have
this many followers,
I was able
to get some companies
to pay for advertising.
Pay who?
Pay... Pay us?
Yeah.
I'll give you 40%.
No, I want 50%, and I want
approval over the sponsors.
No more fucking Papa John's,
and if Red Lobster calls,
that's a hard no.
Deal.
Hang on there.
I think we should all
get a cut, like 10% each
or something.
Yeah, all 12 of us
should get 10%.
Yeah.
That sounds fair.
Yeah, we're all part of
the creative process here.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is our jam.
Is it? "The miserable have no
other medicine but hope
"and tequila."
That was mine.
It was a play
on a Shakespeare quote.
You've posted things
from all of us.
Okay, so I sample
from the group,
but none of it's
copyrightable.
Well, then,
maybe you should call it
"Cool Things I Heard
in Group", so nobody here
feels slighted.
If I changed the name, I'd
have to get a new account.
I'd lose all my followers.
If that's how you feel,
please don't quote me anymore.
That's fine.
You're blacklisted anyways.
I got into a lot of shit
for that Tetris quote.
Why?
That was a solid quote.
From Bill Murray.
You plagiarized
Bill Murray?
It's called
parallel thinking.
Sometimes two people can have
the same idea
almost simultaneously.
Yeah, except he said
it ten years ago.
Not cool, Tony.
Not cool.
Well, you know,
I'm pretty sure
the thing you said
about the voicemail
wasn't yours either.
Uh, there's a small chance
that maybe I heard that
or I read it
and it lodged in my...
In my subconscious,
but I wouldn't...
Okay, you know what?
Forget it.
Forget it.
New rule.
Put the phones away.
All right?
No more phones
in the meetings.
That's it.
We're here to get sober,
not famous.
Oh, that's a good quote.
Yeah, get that in there.
But that's
the last one!
♪ Step out ♪
♪ Step out of our cages ♪
♪ Step out ♪
♪ Of our paper cages ♪
♪ Step out ♪
♪ Step out of our cages ♪
♪ We're living our lives
in paper cages ♪
♪ Step out ♪
Come on!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Living our lives
in paper cages ♪
♪ Living our lives
in paper cages ♪
♪ Living our lives
in paper cages ♪
♪ Step out ♪