Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Cruel to Be Kind - full transcript
I saw Ben and Memphis talking,
and then he kissed her.
Did you really think you were
going to be able to run off
with my ex-wife
and get married
and never tell me about it?
That was the plan, yes.
Ben is a good man!
He's terrified of hurting you!
Dude, get your shit
together.
You hitting that?
No, you kidding me.
I'm not ducking Allison.
We just haven't been
able to connect.
You haven't talked to her
since you boned her?
That's not cool.
Yes?
You're not Allison.
I should be thanking you
for staying away.
It gave me time to think
about what I really need.
Which is?
A life with Carl.
My work here is done.
Fuck you.
This is not working.
We got to go back
to what was working.
You abandoned the group!
This isn't about
Loudermilk.
This is about us.
We need this.
Wh... What the hell?
Hey. Hey!
Oh, morning, sunshine.
What the fuck?
You trashed my room, man!
Oh. That...
That wasn't me.
That was the crazy chicks
that I brought back here
last night.
And me.
Wake up!
Last call!
Jack coke?
I just dreamt about you.
Man, you got to get
your shit together,
Loudermilk.
And you start by cleaning up
my fucking room!
You alive?
♪♪
Fuck this shit.
Claire, get in here.
What?
I know the last roommate
you had was a raging
crackhead,
so I understand that
you might be up on the whole
"considerate roommate"
thing,
but I feel like we need to
set up some ground rules here.
So...
Chore wheel.
Didn't realize
you were so crafty.
Yeah, I also knitted
the refrigerator.
So here's how it works.
These are chores that
on any given day one of us
is going to be
responsible for doing.
Why do we need this?
Because I found a seagull
in your room,
and I want to take care
of this before it goes
and tells its friends.
Oh, fuck off, man!
So you'll notice on my side,
you will see tasks
such as take out the trash,
wash my dishes,
pick up my clothes,
things like that.
Your side I made
a little simpler.
Why?
You're so ridiculous!
It's not even
that bad in here!
It looks fine.
Fucking disgusting
in here.
I found socks
in the microwave.
Yeah, I was drying them
after I stepped in
Mr. Ellis' ferret piss
in the lobby.
You put ferret piss
in the microwave?
I heat Hot Pockets
in there.
No... No wonder
they taste like...
Ferret piss.
Now I got to write
another letter to the
Hot Pocket people.
Look, I'm not the only slob
in here, okay?
What about
your "writing" stuff?
I'm working on something
productive,
so that's a moot point.
You know
what "moot" means?
Clean up your shit
'cause you're a fucking slob.
I know what "moot" means.
God.
What's going on with you,
Loudermilk?
I just told you.
I'm pissed off because
your shit is everywhere.
No, it's more than that.
Something happened
in New Orleans.
Duh.
No, not that.
It's something up here.
Ever since we've been back,
you've been all, like,
bipolar-y.
Seriously.
You don't leave the house
unless you're going
to meetings
or you're going to work,
and when you're home,
you have your headphones in
pretending to write
or you're listening
to Danger Mouse's
Spotify playlist
because Allison
kicked you to the curb.
You're like a...recluse.
I'm not like a recluse.
I am a recluse.
That's by design.
If you want to stay here,
then you... You got to figure
this shit out
because it's not
working for me.
What if I don't want
to stay here?
There's the door.
You're the suckiest roommate
I've ever had.Really?
Worse than the guy
that married your wife?
Shit.
Good evening.
Hey, I'm sorry
about the racket, Levon.
I'm just having one
of those days, you know?
You seem to have a lot
of those days.
Yeah, well, you don't have any
roommates or you'd understand.
I do not. I live alone
since my wife pass away.
Lucky bastard.
That's the life, right?
Uh, living by yourself
can be nice at times.Yeah, I bet.
A solitary life
is the life of a philosopher.
For sure.
And despite what society
make you believe,
you can be on your own
and not be lonely.Exactly.
On the other hand,
if there's no one
in your life,
you could die alone,
and no one would
find you for weeks.
I guess that that's true,
yeah. Yeah.
And if you have a pet,
it will almost
certainly eat you
after you pass away,
out of necessity.
I'll allow it.
And then the pet
would eventually die, too,
and he'd be eaten by rats,
probably larvae.
And that's why living alone
isn't always a good thing.
Levon, is your lease
month to month?
No, I got a good deal.
Five years.
Awesome.
That's... I got to run.
Bucolic is
a misleading word, huh?
What do you mean?
Well, it means "beautiful
and pastoral,"
which are nice things,
but it sounds horrible,
like "I got bucolic."
It sounds like puke,
colic, and colonic,
all mixed together.
I think it sounds like
a Serbian basketball player.
Okay, anybody else
who wants to share?
Yeah. Uh, I'll go.
So, um, a buddy of mine
invited us over to, uh,
his place on Sunday
to watch the game.
He has this great
man cave set up, man.
You know, big-screen TV,
keg, everything, right?
My buddy's also
a really good cook.
He made these, uh,
wasabi hot wings.
This shit's hot enough
to melt your balls off.
Uh, sorry, Claire.
But I didn't until I took
a bite one of them, right?
Now, he didn't have enough to
drink on hand except for beer,
and I can't risk
taking a sip, right?
So I look over, man,
and I see
his dog's water bowl.
I just dive in, man.
You know, I'm just drinking
all that water,
like the dog fur
and saliva and puppy chow.
Just wash it
all down, man.
Nastiest thing I ever did
in my life,
but I'll be damned
if I took a drink.
All right. You get him
next time, Stevie.
Just back on the horse.
No, no, no.
Man, I... I...
I didn't take a drink, man.
I didn't fall off
that motherfucking horse.
Oh, okay. Okay.
I want to hear from Mugsy.
Oh, no.
I'm... I'm good.
Yeah, you sure?
Nothing out of the ordinary
last night?
Nope.
Typical, uh, Friday night.
Okay. It's important
to be open and honest
in this group.
I... I...
I know that.
Why... Why am I getting
the third degree?
Okay. What did
you do last night?
Uh, um, oh, I, uh,
watched television.
Yeah?
What did you watch?
The, um...
Uh, Wild Wild West.
Yeah? The movie
or the old TV show?
TV.
Oh, you know, I follow
Bob Conrad on social media.
He has a great feed.
Really, really great.
I thought he was dead.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, here's
his latest one.
"I don't care
what the kids say.
"WWWwill always stand
for Wild Wild West.
"I miss Ross Martin
every day."
So, here's what I think
happened, Mugsy.
I think you had
a tough week at work,
and you went out
to blow off some steam.
Before you know it,
you had a couple of drinks,
you lost track of time,
and you woke up
in the clothes
you went out in.
Yeah, they call
that the Irish pyjamas.
And then you came
straight here.
How'd I do?
Holy shit.
Oh... Okay.
I had a little slip,
but I didn't
want to disappoint the group.
I'm sorry.
Don't apologize to us.
Disappointment
is what we're here for.
I went out with a couple
of my old drinking buddies,
and they're not exactly
the best influences,
and, uh, I might have had a...
A drink... A couple of...
We had a few... We had...
We did some drinkin'.
Loudermilk,
how do you do it?
It's like you have
a sixth sense.
Dude, he's got a fucking
dart stuck in his head.
Yeah.
What?
Whoa.
The other side.
Other side.
Ow! God! Ow.
How deep is that in there?
Pretty God damn deep
from where I'm sitting.
It looks like
it's hitting grey matter.
That's what she said.
You know, I...
I had this copper taste
in my mouth all morning.
Ow! Ow! God.
Best way to do it, man,
like a BAND-AID.
Right off.
You can't lie to the group,
Mugsy, all right?
Owning up to what
you've done is always
the first step, okay?
And you can't blame
your friends either.
This is your choice.
This is about personal
responsibility in
everything, right?
If you hypothetically...
If you were leaving your shit
laying around
in somebody's apartment,
you should pick it up,
hypothetically.
Or if you had a drink
in New Orleans,
and you never came
clean to the group,
maybe you should,
hypothetically.
Whoa, whoa. What...
What's she talking about?
Let's not get off-track here.
We just had a guy
with a dart in his head.
I think we should...
You said this was
a safe space, right?
Or is it not a safe space
if someone's coming at you?
I got to hide that
Sober Friends workbook
from you, don't I?
Hey, cut out the bullshit,
Loudermilk.
What happened?
Yeah.
Okay. You're...
Claire's right.
This is a safe space.
When I was in New Orleans,
I had a shot.
I puked it up right away.
Okay, cool.
Five-minute rule.
No, it's not cool.
There's no five-minute rule
with booze or drugs.
No, no. Claire's right.
It doesn't matter
that I puked it up.
What matters
is that I drank it
because I thought I needed it
to get through something,
and that tells me that I got
a lot of work to do,
and I always will.
What kind of shot was it?
Was it tequila?
No, it was...
It was bourbon,
but that...
That's not the point.
Was it just great?
No, it wasn't great.
It was horrible.
There was nothing great
about it, okay?
It means
that a lot of you guys now
have been cleaner
for longer than I have, so...
I'm gonna have to
rely on you and, um,
I need you
to get my back, okay?
Yep.
All right.
Hey, Mugsy.
How's that head doing, man?
Eh, it's starting
to feel better.
Oh, my...
Shit!
That looks like it hit
an artery!
Don't worry.
I used to date an EMT.
What are you...
Hey, man.
Can I have a sec?
Well, I'm kind of off
the clock.
Okay.
No, no, no.
Come here.
I'm fucking with you.
What's up, Cisco?
I just need some advice,
like lady advice.
You do realize that
my ex-wife was stolen
by my ex-best friend,
and then I blew it with
my ex-hot-neighbor, yeah?
Yep. You're still
my best option, though.
That was...
Fair enough.
What's the deal?
There's this girl
I really want to ask out.
I just don't know how.
Just say,
"Hey, want to go out?"
Thanks, dude.
You make it sound so easy.
Who's the girl?
Ah, just this girl
from group.
What group?
This group.
We don't have any...
Hey, hey, hey!
Come here!
You're talking about
Claire?
No.
You're not dating Claire.
No.
The two of you would be
like Sid and Nancy.
Okay.
Here we go.
This is where
you get mad at me
for not knowing
who Sid and Nancy are.
What are they,
like, Muppets?
Look.
Here's the deal.
Addicts dating addicts,
recipe for disaster.
Because you slip up,
she looks the other way,
and then she expects
the same thing from you...
It's a total shit show.
She's the only one
in the group
that I have a...
Connection with.
That's because she's
the only one in the group
with a vagina...
Most likely.
This is what you think
this is about?
Getting laid?
What's wrong
with getting laid?
I like her.
What's wrong is you don't
date people in the group.
Look, I'm a 19-year-old
Latino male.
My life is half-over.
I need to start living,
and besides,
Claire and I both have
our 90-day chip.
Isn't that how it works?
Yeah, technically, but...
And where's
your 90-day chip?
Oh, that's right.
You don't have it anymore.
Aah!
Move. Move, move, move.
What the hell, man?
There.
Okay, so I set off
a flea bomb in your room.
What?
I don't have fleas.
Precautionary measure.
All my shit's in there.
What if I want to change
my clothes or something?
Well, just take one off
the lamp or the floor.
Get it out of the microwave.
You're an asshole.
Hey, I, uh...
I saw you talking to Cisco
during break yesterday.
Uh-huh?
Are you just
shooting the shit?
Yep.
Yeah, bullshit.
He was asking me out.
Okay, look.
Cisco's a great kid,
but he's got a lot of issues,
and he's one slip away
from a big fall,
and I don't mean one
of the Humpty Dumpty ones
where I just put him
back together again.
No, they couldn't put
Humpty Dumpty back together.
Well, then, he's in worse
shape than I thought.
Look, it doesn't
matter because I said no.
Well, good.
That's smart.
A-Addicts don't make
for good partners.
But if I wanted to go out
with him, I would.
God, Loudermilk.
Between all the cleaning
the apartment shit
and telling me
who I can date,
it's getting a little
Amish-y around here.
I can do what I want.
That's your big mistake,
all right?
This is not about you.
This is about
your recovery.
What?
My recovery is about me.
You're always talking about
taking responsibility.
Well, that's what I'm doing
by making my own decisions.
You know what?
Since I can't
get into my room
until tomorrow,
I'm going to go
for a night out.
Hey, maybe Cisco's free.
Aw, thanks, Loudermilk.
All right. Uh, anything else
before we wrap up?
I keep thinking about what
those assholes did to Mugsy,
and I think we need
to do something about it.
What did they do?
They threw a fucking dart
in his head!
He almost bled out!
Okay, so what are we supposed
to do about that?
Nothing major,
just rough them up a little.
Maybe shove a Foosball guy
up their ass.
That sounds like fun.
I haven't been in
a good rumble since...Since what?
Since your sister dated
one of The Sharks?
Guys, come on.
Violence is not the answer.
What about wars?
If we hadn't gotten into
World War II,
something tells me
we'd all be speaking Chinese.
Yeah, well,
I'll see your World War II,
I'll raise you a Vietnam
and two Iraqs.
Terrible conflicts,
but we got some great movies
out of them, though.
Hmm, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Y'all see Hurt Locker?
Oh, Jeremy Renner's
performance haunted me.
Guys, focus!
All right?
Going back for revenge
is a terrible idea.
You got to learn
to let things go and forgive.
That... That's what we're
doing here, remember?
Now, as a guy who's been
sober longer than our
esteemed leader,
I say forgiveness
is bullshit.
He slips one time, and now you
ain't going to listen to him?
Well, you got to do
something about it.
I'm with Tony.
I mean, think about it.
That kind of shit could put
someone's eye out.
Exactly.
Who's up for this?
Guys, guys, come on.
These are my friends
you're talking about. Friends?
These so-called friends
did a real number on ya!
Listen, I know Gary,
he has had it in for me.
And... And I'm starting to get
these bits and pieces.
Somebody was holding
my arms.
Somebody was doing that,
and somebody was jamming
a dart in my head,
and along the way,
I lost my wallet,
I lost my phone.
It... It was Gary.
It was Gary and Leska!
They jacked you for your phone
and your wallet,
put a dart in your skull?
Come on, son.
Yeah, fuck you!
No, not you.
Fuck them!
Fuck 'em!
That's what I'm
talking about!
I carry an ax handle
in my car for just
such an occasion.
I got a harpoon in my truck.
It's untraceable.
Really?
There's that many harpoons?
How about you, New Guy?
You in?
Oh, come on, man.
Hobbits are a
peaceful-loving race.
He ain't gonna fight.
Hell, yeah, I'm in.
Hell, yeah!
You mess with the bull,
you get the balls.
Yes.
We're gonna get in my van,
and we're gonna...
We're gonna shove some
Foosball guys in their asses!
Hell yeah!
Yeah! Get 'em!
Let's fucking do it!
I'm taking my own car.
How the fuck did you
get this number?
I'm working.
You got to stop them.
What... What are
you talking about?
They turned into an angry mob
as soon as you left.
At 7:30,
we're all gonna meet at a bar
to try to find the guys
who messed with Mugsy.
I'm... I'm worried someone
is going to get really hurt.
Yeah, you mean you?
Well, yeah.
I can't get into a fight.
I have brittle bones.
What the hell does that
even mean?
It means
my bones are brittle.
When I was
in the second grade,
I jumped into a sandbox
and broke both my legs.
Well, then, don't go.
I have to go.
If I don't,
they'll think I'm a sissy. You are a sissy.
You broke both your legs in
a sandbox, for Christ's sake.
Oh, that is not funny,
Loudermilk. It was horrible.
For six months, I had to
go to school in a wagon.
All right.
Where... Where...
Where's this place?
Kids called me
Laura Ingalls!Shut up.
Just text me the address
where they're going,
and if you get there
before me, don't jump
in any sandboxes.
♪ So we don't have to
think about the way...
I'm really stoked that you
changed your mind
about going out.
We're not going out.
It's just a dinner.
Of course.
Yeah, but I'm paying.
I got a pretty sweet deal
on a Groupon,
and later, if we want,
we can get our teeth whitened
with, like, 12 other people.
Cool.
♪ I'll need much help
to decide
I'm sorry.
I didn't ask you.
How old were you
when you lost your virginity?
What?
Like, your virginity.
Like, when you first
got popped.
You're really shitty
as small talk.Me?
You're the one not getting
the ball back over the net.
♪ Feels good to sit down
♪ After years of standing up ♪
Do you miss it?
Nah, I don't even really think
about it much anymore.
Yeah, fuck yeah,
I miss it all the time.
But that tray smells
like heaven.
Oh, you know, in a cartoon,
where there's the pie
and the smoky finger saying,
"Come smell the pie"?
I'm saying that over
that tray right now.
Yeah. Me, too.
But, um, things are
better now, you know.
Being sober.
Yeah, yeah.
Definitely better.
Were you ever into coke?
Oh, yeah.
If somebody's offering it,
sure, but it's kind of
pricey for me.
I was about that crack
and booze.
Yeah, I used to get high
as soon as I started
cutting up the lines.
I mean,
before I even had any,
and then... It was just
the anticipation.
It just... And then
I'd end up in the corner
talking to someone I hate
about how we got to hang
out more.
Just... Just stupid.
Well, yeah.
We should talk about
something else.
Yeah, yeah.
All right,
and are you ready to order,
or are you just here
for the bread and the water?
Um...
I'll have
the eggplant parmesan.
Excellent.
And you, sir?
Surprise me.
Okay.
Two eggplant parmesans.
Dude,
I just said surprise me.
I don't know.
Okay, guys. We're not leaving
until I get some answers.
All right, guys. Guys,
guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys, guys.
Come on.
How did you find us?
What does it matter?
This isn't going to end well,
and we all know it.
All right, look. What's...
What's the play here, Mugsy?
You gonna go
all Road Housein here?
Yeah. Maybe.
Look, I don't know.
All I know is I can't
let whoever did this
get away with it.
Why not?
Aw, I say we find the sons
of bitches and mess them up.
Yeah!
All right, Ahab.
Take it easy.
The... Look.
This is your call.
You want to fight?
Fight.
But just be sure you know
what you're doing.
Hey! Hey.
I was in here the other night
with, uh, Leska and Gary.
Have you seen 'em?
Hey, hey, hey.
There he is.
It's Bull's-eye.
Hey, that's fucked up, man.
They're laughing at you
and shit?
Bet you didn't expect
to see me again.
No, but we were hoping
you'd come back.
We're missing a dart, and some
of the regulars want to play.
That's funny.
That's a good joke.
Is the guy who did this
in here?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah. Where?
'Cause I want to kick his ass.
Well,
I hope you're double-jointed
'cause it was you.
♪ See the things that I do
without you ♪
You seriously
don't remember?
You were challenging
everyone to pool,
but you didn't have
any change for the table,
so you bet some guy a buck
you could hit a bull's-eye
from across the room.
You threw the dart,
it hit the jukebox,
bounced off
the ceiling fan,
and flew back
and stuck in your head.
Your buddies tried
to get you to leave,
but everyone wanted
to take a picture with you.
A couple of guys were holding
you up to take the photo,
and the dart came out,
and you insisted
they put it back in
for you.
Then you stumbled out of here
without paying,
and you left your wallet and
your phone on the pool table.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Do you see?
Do you see?
No one can ever
hurt us as badly
as we can hurt ourselves.
You guys looking for backup?
'Cause I brought a couple
of friends for ya.
You got Romeo and Juliet,
because when
you mess with them,
it always ends in tragedy.
Hey, Jean-Fraud. Calm down.
It all worked out.
Good, good because today's
your lucky fucking day, man!
'Cause when
I get into a scrum,
Romeo puts on their jammies,
and Juliet puts 'em to bed.
Aah!
Aah!
He has brittle bones.
Well, I'm sorry.
This is kind of a shitty date.
All we talk about
is drugs and booze.
I've been on
way shittier.
Really? Thanks.
Do you want to listen
to some music?
I hate to admit it,
but Loudermilk's turned me
onto some good stuff.
Sure.
♪♪
Can I have this dance?
Like in the movies and shit?
Are you serious?
Yeah.
I'm a shitty small talker,
but I'm an awesome dancer.
Why not?
♪♪
♪ I've been talking to myself
♪ I'm talking to me
♪ I'm in front of her
So why can't she?
♪♪
♪ Why can't she see?
♪ She's the best thing
She makes me fall down
So...
When did you lose
your cherry?
Let's just dance.
♪ ...for me ♪
♪♪
How did it go?
Oh, I'm pregnant.
Ha, ha. Seriously.
He didn't try
anything funny,
did he?
Of course he did.
He's a 19-year-old dude.
And?
And nothing.
Told him I wasn't ready
for a new relationship.
We danced in the park a little
and called it a night.
Danced in the park?
You danced in your front park
or your back park?
That's gross.
Hey, listen. I...
I just wanted to say
that, uh, you...
You were right
to call me out in group.
Really? Should I be
recording this for posterity
or something?
I recognize that, uh...
That I... I... I
push people away,
and it's...
It's something
I got to work on
'cause it only hurts me.
And I got to work on
getting along with,
uh, you and the world
at large and, uh...
'Cause I don't want
a cat eating me when I die.
You know what I mean?
I don't.
Twenty bucks says
it's Cisco looking for
another dance in the park.
Hey, Sam.
♪♪
♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry
But sorry is gone
♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry
But sorry is gone
♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry
But sorry is gone
♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry
But sorry is gone
♪ Can't understand
♪ The way you feel
♪ It's safe to say
I've never tried ♪
♪♪
and then he kissed her.
Did you really think you were
going to be able to run off
with my ex-wife
and get married
and never tell me about it?
That was the plan, yes.
Ben is a good man!
He's terrified of hurting you!
Dude, get your shit
together.
You hitting that?
No, you kidding me.
I'm not ducking Allison.
We just haven't been
able to connect.
You haven't talked to her
since you boned her?
That's not cool.
Yes?
You're not Allison.
I should be thanking you
for staying away.
It gave me time to think
about what I really need.
Which is?
A life with Carl.
My work here is done.
Fuck you.
This is not working.
We got to go back
to what was working.
You abandoned the group!
This isn't about
Loudermilk.
This is about us.
We need this.
Wh... What the hell?
Hey. Hey!
Oh, morning, sunshine.
What the fuck?
You trashed my room, man!
Oh. That...
That wasn't me.
That was the crazy chicks
that I brought back here
last night.
And me.
Wake up!
Last call!
Jack coke?
I just dreamt about you.
Man, you got to get
your shit together,
Loudermilk.
And you start by cleaning up
my fucking room!
You alive?
♪♪
Fuck this shit.
Claire, get in here.
What?
I know the last roommate
you had was a raging
crackhead,
so I understand that
you might be up on the whole
"considerate roommate"
thing,
but I feel like we need to
set up some ground rules here.
So...
Chore wheel.
Didn't realize
you were so crafty.
Yeah, I also knitted
the refrigerator.
So here's how it works.
These are chores that
on any given day one of us
is going to be
responsible for doing.
Why do we need this?
Because I found a seagull
in your room,
and I want to take care
of this before it goes
and tells its friends.
Oh, fuck off, man!
So you'll notice on my side,
you will see tasks
such as take out the trash,
wash my dishes,
pick up my clothes,
things like that.
Your side I made
a little simpler.
Why?
You're so ridiculous!
It's not even
that bad in here!
It looks fine.
Fucking disgusting
in here.
I found socks
in the microwave.
Yeah, I was drying them
after I stepped in
Mr. Ellis' ferret piss
in the lobby.
You put ferret piss
in the microwave?
I heat Hot Pockets
in there.
No... No wonder
they taste like...
Ferret piss.
Now I got to write
another letter to the
Hot Pocket people.
Look, I'm not the only slob
in here, okay?
What about
your "writing" stuff?
I'm working on something
productive,
so that's a moot point.
You know
what "moot" means?
Clean up your shit
'cause you're a fucking slob.
I know what "moot" means.
God.
What's going on with you,
Loudermilk?
I just told you.
I'm pissed off because
your shit is everywhere.
No, it's more than that.
Something happened
in New Orleans.
Duh.
No, not that.
It's something up here.
Ever since we've been back,
you've been all, like,
bipolar-y.
Seriously.
You don't leave the house
unless you're going
to meetings
or you're going to work,
and when you're home,
you have your headphones in
pretending to write
or you're listening
to Danger Mouse's
Spotify playlist
because Allison
kicked you to the curb.
You're like a...recluse.
I'm not like a recluse.
I am a recluse.
That's by design.
If you want to stay here,
then you... You got to figure
this shit out
because it's not
working for me.
What if I don't want
to stay here?
There's the door.
You're the suckiest roommate
I've ever had.Really?
Worse than the guy
that married your wife?
Shit.
Good evening.
Hey, I'm sorry
about the racket, Levon.
I'm just having one
of those days, you know?
You seem to have a lot
of those days.
Yeah, well, you don't have any
roommates or you'd understand.
I do not. I live alone
since my wife pass away.
Lucky bastard.
That's the life, right?
Uh, living by yourself
can be nice at times.Yeah, I bet.
A solitary life
is the life of a philosopher.
For sure.
And despite what society
make you believe,
you can be on your own
and not be lonely.Exactly.
On the other hand,
if there's no one
in your life,
you could die alone,
and no one would
find you for weeks.
I guess that that's true,
yeah. Yeah.
And if you have a pet,
it will almost
certainly eat you
after you pass away,
out of necessity.
I'll allow it.
And then the pet
would eventually die, too,
and he'd be eaten by rats,
probably larvae.
And that's why living alone
isn't always a good thing.
Levon, is your lease
month to month?
No, I got a good deal.
Five years.
Awesome.
That's... I got to run.
Bucolic is
a misleading word, huh?
What do you mean?
Well, it means "beautiful
and pastoral,"
which are nice things,
but it sounds horrible,
like "I got bucolic."
It sounds like puke,
colic, and colonic,
all mixed together.
I think it sounds like
a Serbian basketball player.
Okay, anybody else
who wants to share?
Yeah. Uh, I'll go.
So, um, a buddy of mine
invited us over to, uh,
his place on Sunday
to watch the game.
He has this great
man cave set up, man.
You know, big-screen TV,
keg, everything, right?
My buddy's also
a really good cook.
He made these, uh,
wasabi hot wings.
This shit's hot enough
to melt your balls off.
Uh, sorry, Claire.
But I didn't until I took
a bite one of them, right?
Now, he didn't have enough to
drink on hand except for beer,
and I can't risk
taking a sip, right?
So I look over, man,
and I see
his dog's water bowl.
I just dive in, man.
You know, I'm just drinking
all that water,
like the dog fur
and saliva and puppy chow.
Just wash it
all down, man.
Nastiest thing I ever did
in my life,
but I'll be damned
if I took a drink.
All right. You get him
next time, Stevie.
Just back on the horse.
No, no, no.
Man, I... I...
I didn't take a drink, man.
I didn't fall off
that motherfucking horse.
Oh, okay. Okay.
I want to hear from Mugsy.
Oh, no.
I'm... I'm good.
Yeah, you sure?
Nothing out of the ordinary
last night?
Nope.
Typical, uh, Friday night.
Okay. It's important
to be open and honest
in this group.
I... I...
I know that.
Why... Why am I getting
the third degree?
Okay. What did
you do last night?
Uh, um, oh, I, uh,
watched television.
Yeah?
What did you watch?
The, um...
Uh, Wild Wild West.
Yeah? The movie
or the old TV show?
TV.
Oh, you know, I follow
Bob Conrad on social media.
He has a great feed.
Really, really great.
I thought he was dead.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, here's
his latest one.
"I don't care
what the kids say.
"WWWwill always stand
for Wild Wild West.
"I miss Ross Martin
every day."
So, here's what I think
happened, Mugsy.
I think you had
a tough week at work,
and you went out
to blow off some steam.
Before you know it,
you had a couple of drinks,
you lost track of time,
and you woke up
in the clothes
you went out in.
Yeah, they call
that the Irish pyjamas.
And then you came
straight here.
How'd I do?
Holy shit.
Oh... Okay.
I had a little slip,
but I didn't
want to disappoint the group.
I'm sorry.
Don't apologize to us.
Disappointment
is what we're here for.
I went out with a couple
of my old drinking buddies,
and they're not exactly
the best influences,
and, uh, I might have had a...
A drink... A couple of...
We had a few... We had...
We did some drinkin'.
Loudermilk,
how do you do it?
It's like you have
a sixth sense.
Dude, he's got a fucking
dart stuck in his head.
Yeah.
What?
Whoa.
The other side.
Other side.
Ow! God! Ow.
How deep is that in there?
Pretty God damn deep
from where I'm sitting.
It looks like
it's hitting grey matter.
That's what she said.
You know, I...
I had this copper taste
in my mouth all morning.
Ow! Ow! God.
Best way to do it, man,
like a BAND-AID.
Right off.
You can't lie to the group,
Mugsy, all right?
Owning up to what
you've done is always
the first step, okay?
And you can't blame
your friends either.
This is your choice.
This is about personal
responsibility in
everything, right?
If you hypothetically...
If you were leaving your shit
laying around
in somebody's apartment,
you should pick it up,
hypothetically.
Or if you had a drink
in New Orleans,
and you never came
clean to the group,
maybe you should,
hypothetically.
Whoa, whoa. What...
What's she talking about?
Let's not get off-track here.
We just had a guy
with a dart in his head.
I think we should...
You said this was
a safe space, right?
Or is it not a safe space
if someone's coming at you?
I got to hide that
Sober Friends workbook
from you, don't I?
Hey, cut out the bullshit,
Loudermilk.
What happened?
Yeah.
Okay. You're...
Claire's right.
This is a safe space.
When I was in New Orleans,
I had a shot.
I puked it up right away.
Okay, cool.
Five-minute rule.
No, it's not cool.
There's no five-minute rule
with booze or drugs.
No, no. Claire's right.
It doesn't matter
that I puked it up.
What matters
is that I drank it
because I thought I needed it
to get through something,
and that tells me that I got
a lot of work to do,
and I always will.
What kind of shot was it?
Was it tequila?
No, it was...
It was bourbon,
but that...
That's not the point.
Was it just great?
No, it wasn't great.
It was horrible.
There was nothing great
about it, okay?
It means
that a lot of you guys now
have been cleaner
for longer than I have, so...
I'm gonna have to
rely on you and, um,
I need you
to get my back, okay?
Yep.
All right.
Hey, Mugsy.
How's that head doing, man?
Eh, it's starting
to feel better.
Oh, my...
Shit!
That looks like it hit
an artery!
Don't worry.
I used to date an EMT.
What are you...
Hey, man.
Can I have a sec?
Well, I'm kind of off
the clock.
Okay.
No, no, no.
Come here.
I'm fucking with you.
What's up, Cisco?
I just need some advice,
like lady advice.
You do realize that
my ex-wife was stolen
by my ex-best friend,
and then I blew it with
my ex-hot-neighbor, yeah?
Yep. You're still
my best option, though.
That was...
Fair enough.
What's the deal?
There's this girl
I really want to ask out.
I just don't know how.
Just say,
"Hey, want to go out?"
Thanks, dude.
You make it sound so easy.
Who's the girl?
Ah, just this girl
from group.
What group?
This group.
We don't have any...
Hey, hey, hey!
Come here!
You're talking about
Claire?
No.
You're not dating Claire.
No.
The two of you would be
like Sid and Nancy.
Okay.
Here we go.
This is where
you get mad at me
for not knowing
who Sid and Nancy are.
What are they,
like, Muppets?
Look.
Here's the deal.
Addicts dating addicts,
recipe for disaster.
Because you slip up,
she looks the other way,
and then she expects
the same thing from you...
It's a total shit show.
She's the only one
in the group
that I have a...
Connection with.
That's because she's
the only one in the group
with a vagina...
Most likely.
This is what you think
this is about?
Getting laid?
What's wrong
with getting laid?
I like her.
What's wrong is you don't
date people in the group.
Look, I'm a 19-year-old
Latino male.
My life is half-over.
I need to start living,
and besides,
Claire and I both have
our 90-day chip.
Isn't that how it works?
Yeah, technically, but...
And where's
your 90-day chip?
Oh, that's right.
You don't have it anymore.
Aah!
Move. Move, move, move.
What the hell, man?
There.
Okay, so I set off
a flea bomb in your room.
What?
I don't have fleas.
Precautionary measure.
All my shit's in there.
What if I want to change
my clothes or something?
Well, just take one off
the lamp or the floor.
Get it out of the microwave.
You're an asshole.
Hey, I, uh...
I saw you talking to Cisco
during break yesterday.
Uh-huh?
Are you just
shooting the shit?
Yep.
Yeah, bullshit.
He was asking me out.
Okay, look.
Cisco's a great kid,
but he's got a lot of issues,
and he's one slip away
from a big fall,
and I don't mean one
of the Humpty Dumpty ones
where I just put him
back together again.
No, they couldn't put
Humpty Dumpty back together.
Well, then, he's in worse
shape than I thought.
Look, it doesn't
matter because I said no.
Well, good.
That's smart.
A-Addicts don't make
for good partners.
But if I wanted to go out
with him, I would.
God, Loudermilk.
Between all the cleaning
the apartment shit
and telling me
who I can date,
it's getting a little
Amish-y around here.
I can do what I want.
That's your big mistake,
all right?
This is not about you.
This is about
your recovery.
What?
My recovery is about me.
You're always talking about
taking responsibility.
Well, that's what I'm doing
by making my own decisions.
You know what?
Since I can't
get into my room
until tomorrow,
I'm going to go
for a night out.
Hey, maybe Cisco's free.
Aw, thanks, Loudermilk.
All right. Uh, anything else
before we wrap up?
I keep thinking about what
those assholes did to Mugsy,
and I think we need
to do something about it.
What did they do?
They threw a fucking dart
in his head!
He almost bled out!
Okay, so what are we supposed
to do about that?
Nothing major,
just rough them up a little.
Maybe shove a Foosball guy
up their ass.
That sounds like fun.
I haven't been in
a good rumble since...Since what?
Since your sister dated
one of The Sharks?
Guys, come on.
Violence is not the answer.
What about wars?
If we hadn't gotten into
World War II,
something tells me
we'd all be speaking Chinese.
Yeah, well,
I'll see your World War II,
I'll raise you a Vietnam
and two Iraqs.
Terrible conflicts,
but we got some great movies
out of them, though.
Hmm, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Y'all see Hurt Locker?
Oh, Jeremy Renner's
performance haunted me.
Guys, focus!
All right?
Going back for revenge
is a terrible idea.
You got to learn
to let things go and forgive.
That... That's what we're
doing here, remember?
Now, as a guy who's been
sober longer than our
esteemed leader,
I say forgiveness
is bullshit.
He slips one time, and now you
ain't going to listen to him?
Well, you got to do
something about it.
I'm with Tony.
I mean, think about it.
That kind of shit could put
someone's eye out.
Exactly.
Who's up for this?
Guys, guys, come on.
These are my friends
you're talking about. Friends?
These so-called friends
did a real number on ya!
Listen, I know Gary,
he has had it in for me.
And... And I'm starting to get
these bits and pieces.
Somebody was holding
my arms.
Somebody was doing that,
and somebody was jamming
a dart in my head,
and along the way,
I lost my wallet,
I lost my phone.
It... It was Gary.
It was Gary and Leska!
They jacked you for your phone
and your wallet,
put a dart in your skull?
Come on, son.
Yeah, fuck you!
No, not you.
Fuck them!
Fuck 'em!
That's what I'm
talking about!
I carry an ax handle
in my car for just
such an occasion.
I got a harpoon in my truck.
It's untraceable.
Really?
There's that many harpoons?
How about you, New Guy?
You in?
Oh, come on, man.
Hobbits are a
peaceful-loving race.
He ain't gonna fight.
Hell, yeah, I'm in.
Hell, yeah!
You mess with the bull,
you get the balls.
Yes.
We're gonna get in my van,
and we're gonna...
We're gonna shove some
Foosball guys in their asses!
Hell yeah!
Yeah! Get 'em!
Let's fucking do it!
I'm taking my own car.
How the fuck did you
get this number?
I'm working.
You got to stop them.
What... What are
you talking about?
They turned into an angry mob
as soon as you left.
At 7:30,
we're all gonna meet at a bar
to try to find the guys
who messed with Mugsy.
I'm... I'm worried someone
is going to get really hurt.
Yeah, you mean you?
Well, yeah.
I can't get into a fight.
I have brittle bones.
What the hell does that
even mean?
It means
my bones are brittle.
When I was
in the second grade,
I jumped into a sandbox
and broke both my legs.
Well, then, don't go.
I have to go.
If I don't,
they'll think I'm a sissy. You are a sissy.
You broke both your legs in
a sandbox, for Christ's sake.
Oh, that is not funny,
Loudermilk. It was horrible.
For six months, I had to
go to school in a wagon.
All right.
Where... Where...
Where's this place?
Kids called me
Laura Ingalls!Shut up.
Just text me the address
where they're going,
and if you get there
before me, don't jump
in any sandboxes.
♪ So we don't have to
think about the way...
I'm really stoked that you
changed your mind
about going out.
We're not going out.
It's just a dinner.
Of course.
Yeah, but I'm paying.
I got a pretty sweet deal
on a Groupon,
and later, if we want,
we can get our teeth whitened
with, like, 12 other people.
Cool.
♪ I'll need much help
to decide
I'm sorry.
I didn't ask you.
How old were you
when you lost your virginity?
What?
Like, your virginity.
Like, when you first
got popped.
You're really shitty
as small talk.Me?
You're the one not getting
the ball back over the net.
♪ Feels good to sit down
♪ After years of standing up ♪
Do you miss it?
Nah, I don't even really think
about it much anymore.
Yeah, fuck yeah,
I miss it all the time.
But that tray smells
like heaven.
Oh, you know, in a cartoon,
where there's the pie
and the smoky finger saying,
"Come smell the pie"?
I'm saying that over
that tray right now.
Yeah. Me, too.
But, um, things are
better now, you know.
Being sober.
Yeah, yeah.
Definitely better.
Were you ever into coke?
Oh, yeah.
If somebody's offering it,
sure, but it's kind of
pricey for me.
I was about that crack
and booze.
Yeah, I used to get high
as soon as I started
cutting up the lines.
I mean,
before I even had any,
and then... It was just
the anticipation.
It just... And then
I'd end up in the corner
talking to someone I hate
about how we got to hang
out more.
Just... Just stupid.
Well, yeah.
We should talk about
something else.
Yeah, yeah.
All right,
and are you ready to order,
or are you just here
for the bread and the water?
Um...
I'll have
the eggplant parmesan.
Excellent.
And you, sir?
Surprise me.
Okay.
Two eggplant parmesans.
Dude,
I just said surprise me.
I don't know.
Okay, guys. We're not leaving
until I get some answers.
All right, guys. Guys,
guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys, guys.
Come on.
How did you find us?
What does it matter?
This isn't going to end well,
and we all know it.
All right, look. What's...
What's the play here, Mugsy?
You gonna go
all Road Housein here?
Yeah. Maybe.
Look, I don't know.
All I know is I can't
let whoever did this
get away with it.
Why not?
Aw, I say we find the sons
of bitches and mess them up.
Yeah!
All right, Ahab.
Take it easy.
The... Look.
This is your call.
You want to fight?
Fight.
But just be sure you know
what you're doing.
Hey! Hey.
I was in here the other night
with, uh, Leska and Gary.
Have you seen 'em?
Hey, hey, hey.
There he is.
It's Bull's-eye.
Hey, that's fucked up, man.
They're laughing at you
and shit?
Bet you didn't expect
to see me again.
No, but we were hoping
you'd come back.
We're missing a dart, and some
of the regulars want to play.
That's funny.
That's a good joke.
Is the guy who did this
in here?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah. Where?
'Cause I want to kick his ass.
Well,
I hope you're double-jointed
'cause it was you.
♪ See the things that I do
without you ♪
You seriously
don't remember?
You were challenging
everyone to pool,
but you didn't have
any change for the table,
so you bet some guy a buck
you could hit a bull's-eye
from across the room.
You threw the dart,
it hit the jukebox,
bounced off
the ceiling fan,
and flew back
and stuck in your head.
Your buddies tried
to get you to leave,
but everyone wanted
to take a picture with you.
A couple of guys were holding
you up to take the photo,
and the dart came out,
and you insisted
they put it back in
for you.
Then you stumbled out of here
without paying,
and you left your wallet and
your phone on the pool table.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Do you see?
Do you see?
No one can ever
hurt us as badly
as we can hurt ourselves.
You guys looking for backup?
'Cause I brought a couple
of friends for ya.
You got Romeo and Juliet,
because when
you mess with them,
it always ends in tragedy.
Hey, Jean-Fraud. Calm down.
It all worked out.
Good, good because today's
your lucky fucking day, man!
'Cause when
I get into a scrum,
Romeo puts on their jammies,
and Juliet puts 'em to bed.
Aah!
Aah!
He has brittle bones.
Well, I'm sorry.
This is kind of a shitty date.
All we talk about
is drugs and booze.
I've been on
way shittier.
Really? Thanks.
Do you want to listen
to some music?
I hate to admit it,
but Loudermilk's turned me
onto some good stuff.
Sure.
♪♪
Can I have this dance?
Like in the movies and shit?
Are you serious?
Yeah.
I'm a shitty small talker,
but I'm an awesome dancer.
Why not?
♪♪
♪ I've been talking to myself
♪ I'm talking to me
♪ I'm in front of her
So why can't she?
♪♪
♪ Why can't she see?
♪ She's the best thing
She makes me fall down
So...
When did you lose
your cherry?
Let's just dance.
♪ ...for me ♪
♪♪
How did it go?
Oh, I'm pregnant.
Ha, ha. Seriously.
He didn't try
anything funny,
did he?
Of course he did.
He's a 19-year-old dude.
And?
And nothing.
Told him I wasn't ready
for a new relationship.
We danced in the park a little
and called it a night.
Danced in the park?
You danced in your front park
or your back park?
That's gross.
Hey, listen. I...
I just wanted to say
that, uh, you...
You were right
to call me out in group.
Really? Should I be
recording this for posterity
or something?
I recognize that, uh...
That I... I... I
push people away,
and it's...
It's something
I got to work on
'cause it only hurts me.
And I got to work on
getting along with,
uh, you and the world
at large and, uh...
'Cause I don't want
a cat eating me when I die.
You know what I mean?
I don't.
Twenty bucks says
it's Cisco looking for
another dance in the park.
Hey, Sam.
♪♪
♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry
But sorry is gone
♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry
But sorry is gone
♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry
But sorry is gone
♪ I'm sorry, I'm sorry
But sorry is gone
♪ Can't understand
♪ The way you feel
♪ It's safe to say
I've never tried ♪
♪♪