Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Father of the Year - full transcript
Cutter, I'm not an alcoholic.
I've been in this business
long enough to know
that the next word that
comes out of your mouth
I'm calling the police.
is gonna be a lie.
- Don't make me tase you!
- On the ground, sir!
How y'all doing?
You know them?
I trained those two dipshits.
I would say that when I...
when I think about my ex-wife,
it makes me want to drink.
What did go wrong?
Not cool, man.
She's dead.
I never said she was dead.
You said you ran into a tree
and she died.
She came close,
but she pulled through.
to share something, please?
Would someone else like
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Hey. Hey!
You got a light?
Yeah?
I don't smoke.
Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Dad?
Well at least your little
pussy ears are still working.
What are you doing here?
I needed to see you, Sammy.
You couldn't call?
You... You're kind of
catching me at a weird time.
I'm dying.
Bullshit.
Nah, I'm not dying
but I sorta missed you.
So, how you been?
I'm... I'm perfect.
Great. I'm great.
What are you doing here?
I'm on my way up to Vancouver
to tag this broad,
so I thought I'd drop by.
Check this out.
She sent me a tit pic.
She's a bit of a tease, though.
She only sent me one tit.
I don't need to see that.
Cute, though, huh?
Huh?
So what were you
in the church for?
Uh, you in some kind
of gay men's choir?
I run a support group.
What kind of support group?
Oh.
It, uh...
Is it a gay thing?
No, I'm not gay.
I was married to a woman,
remember?
I-I work with people who
have substance-abuse issues.
So you're still doing that.
Oh.
I thought
it was kind of a fad, you know,
like when you did karate...
or went to college.
No, it's not a fad.
Just my life.
Oh, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
with something for a change.
It's nice to see you sticking
Look,
I-I've had a long day...
Me, too. Come on,
let's go get some grub.
I'm buying. I know
this great place to get lobster.
and you know that.
I hate lobster,
Because it upsets my stomach.
How can you hate lobster?
Oh cut that shit,
lobster's one
of God's great delicacies.
There isn't a person
on the planet
Oh, yeah?
that doesn't love lobster.
You know what they used it for
in the 1800s?
Fertilizer.
Right. Right.
And those are the same assholes
who also had slaves.
So if you want
to support that, too,
to have dinner with you,
well, then maybe I don't want
you alt-right motherfucker.
Hey, sorry I haven't seen you
since your accident thing.
My accident thing?
the drunken car wreck
Do you mean
where I almost killed
my then-wife?
Why, did you have another one?
You got my card, though, huh?
No.
Well, I definitely sent one.
It must've got lost
or something.
The mail out of Bangkok's
been a mess
since the rickshaws
went electric.
Okay, here's your Rob Roy.
Annette:
Thank you, Annette.
Oh, man, I'll take that.
Oh.
And your Amstel Light.
Are you kidding me?
What?
It's a light beer.
Dad, I'm sober.
was drugs and hard liquor?
I thought your problem
Yeah, well I-if you quit
the drugs and alcohol
you got to quit the beer, too.
Got it. Bring him
a glass of wine, please.
What?
No! No wine!
One glass of wine
ain't gonna kill ya.
Little French kids
drink wine at lunch.
I'm not a little French kid.
Wow. If you can't have one
glass of wine with your old man,
than you know, buddy boy.
then you got bigger problems
Yeah, okay.
Now you're starting to get it.
Be right back.
Everything...
You ready to order?
Yeah, two bake-stuffed
lobsters, please.
I-I can't have lobster!
No, no, no! I'm not...
I told you that.
It's hard on my stomach.
That's not the lobster.
That's the butter.
Don't blame the lobster.
The lobster did nothing!
defending the lobster?!
Why are you always
It's like the lobster
can do no wrong with you!
All right,
I'll have the chicken.
Okay.
He's a good kid.
some heavy stuff.
He's just going through
Oh.
That's why I came back here...
to do what dads do.
That's sweet.
God, I wish my dad
were more like you.
Well, what's the matter?
He wasn't around much?
I mean, it's just...
It's a long story.
That's okay. Go ahead.
Tell me about it.
I want to hear your story.
Hey, man, what's up?
My Dad's in town.
So, guess what.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
I may have told him
that you were at the church.
What?
Why would you do that?
You know
he's one of my triggers!
Connection" was your trigger?
I thought the song "Rainbow
I've got a lot
of fucking triggers!
All right.
Sorry, dude.
Hey, uh,
does he still think I'm gay?
He thinks everybody is gay.
as my friend right now, okay?
Look, I'm not calling you
I'm calling you as my sponsor.
I need your fucking help.
What are you talking about?
He put a beer in front of me,
and if... if it hadn't been
an Amstel Light
a very different phone call.
this would be
Oh, what an asshole.
I really fucking wanted it, man.
It was, like, a frosted mug,
just a golden amber.
Of course you did.
how do I...
All right, so, how...
How do you deal with this?
I don't know, man.
It's different for everybody.
You know what I mean?
You got to just figure out
what works for you
and then do that.
wouldn't work for you.
What works for me definitely
I know that much.
Ben, cut the shit, all right?
I need some real advice here.
Okay.
Well, just, you know,
you've done and...
think of all the hard work
the weeks and months
and years and...
how you got a lot of people
counting on you
and, you know, they look up
to you, don't they?
all that with one drink.
You know? So just don't erase
Yeah, you gotta do better
than that next time.
I gotta go.
There, there.
Let it all out.
Mm-hmm.
Daddy's here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where are your keys?
My dad has them.
Mm-hmm.
You have a dad?
I always thought you were
one of those Russian babies
who grew up in an orphanage
without human contact.
Actually, pretty accurate.
He's a total drunk
Not only do I have one...
who spends every waking second
trying to bone
anything with a pulse.
Ewwww.
You say that, but you'll
probably end up doing him.
your Dad could possibly steal
Okay, everything
has been locked away in the safe
underneath my bed.
You have a safe under your bed?
Nope.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go check on the chili.
Yeah, yeah.
Take it all, take it all!
Oh, yeah, take it all...
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
Come on! Not here.
Sorry, but there's someone
sleeping on the couch.
Dad, please.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on, kid,
give me a break.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, wake up.
I need the couch.
What? No.
Come on.
This is my spot.
Well, no, it's my spot
until now.
that I let you have
Get up.
Ugh!
If I get up, then I might
go out and get drunk.
Well, I'll buy you
the first round.
Man!
What the fuck?
Dude, now I got to plug
this shit in somewhere else!
All right, all right,
all right, fine, fine,
I'll sleep on the floor.
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, God!
Oh, take it.
Take it all.
Take it, honey.
Oh, yeah.
moaning loudly ]
[ Jack and Annette
Oh, yes!
Sounds like he really knows
what he's doing in there.
Shut up.
Ahh!
Yeah.
Oh. Uh.
Good morning, pussycat!
Is Annette still here?
Who?
The woman with the daddy issues.
to school.
No, she had to take her kids
Not everybody sleeps the day
away like you do, kiddo.
Oh, hey, Jack.
Holy shit, Ben...
Did you gain weight?
Uh, no. Actually, I lost
a little bit of weight.
a new scale, kiddo.
Uh, might be time to get
Hey, hope
I didn't keep you up last night.
Oh, you mean
with all that loud fucking?
Yeah.
She was a screamer, huh?
Yeah.
want to wash your sheets.
Oh, and Sammy, you'll probably
Hey, I'm burning those.
And who is this beauty?
I'm Claire.
Clear?
Is that some Scientology thing?
'Cause there's definitely
something evolved
Okay, okay. Give it a rest.
about this lady.
All right, all right.
So what are we doing today, huh?
We aren't doing anythin.
Oh, come on, how often
do we get to hang around, hmm?
Aren't you supposed to be
up in Vancouver
with the uni-boober?
You wouldn't talk to your dad
like that, would you?
My Dad's dead.
Oh, hm.
Walked right into that one.
I know.
Let's go to the pool hall
like when you were a kid.
and hustle marks,
No, I can't, I got stuff to do.
Oh, you're like that kid in
that "Cat's in the Cradle" song.
All right, that's a song about
a father who ignores his kid.
ends up ignoring the dad.
Yeah, and then the kid
There are no winners here.
Mm-hmm.
God, you are a whiny fuck.
Look, I'm sorry
if you don't think
I was the greatest dad in
the world when you were a kid,
Get over it?
but get over it.
That's right, get over it.
'Cause until I get the kinks
worked out in my time machine,
there is nothing
we can do about it.
Now come on,
I want to hang around.
of your... "meetings."
I know. Take me to one
You want to go
to one of my meetings?
Of course I do.
But first we better stop
at the liquor store...
I'm gonna need something strong
to get through that shit.
Very funny.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing?
Not bad.
How are you doing?
Good. Good.
Great.
Um, sooo, how's Ben doing?
Uh, he's good, you know.
Being Ben.
Why?
I was just curious, 'cause
he just seemed a little... odd
the last time I saw him.
of weird when my Dad's around.
Oh, yeah, he's... he's kind
Someone call?
My ears were burning.
Oh, come on, Sam,
Probably your syphilis.
you don't get syphilis
in the ears...
at the wrong moment.
unless she turns her head
Allison, this is Jack.
He's my father.
No, don't... don't smile.
He'll try to bang you.
Jack Loudermilk, Esquire.
You're not...
H-He's not a lawyer.
and my favorite magazin.
I was telling her my name
I figured that,
being that she's a model,
in the damn thing.
she's probably been
Here we go.
Okay... yeah,
I-I can see the resemblance.
were genetic.
If only charm
True dat.
I-I will see you guys later.
I certainly hope so.
We could talk about your dad.
Stop, please.
Stop.
What?
2C... I'll remember that.
911...
I'll remember that.
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Come on.
Who wants to talk?
Come on, somebody.
I-I-I'm sick of this shit.
all right?
We're gonna do an exercise.
Everybody is gonna say one thing
humiliating about themselves
that nobody else knows.
of this playing-it-safe shit.
No more
Who's gonna start?
Come on.
No.
Usually I sleep
with just a shirt on.
You mean no underwear?
Nope.
Just a shirt.
Sometimes just my tie.
Okay.
That's a terrible start.
I think we can do
a lot better than that.
Who's up?
I once had to watch my son
tap dancing to "Disco Duck"
during a school talent show.
as humiliating as hell.
That was
All right, I was fucking seven.
Okay, what about
when you were 14?
Yeah, okay, all right!
You used to go upstairs...
I-I want to hear
actually in the group.
from some people who are
I fucked a chicken once.
Okay, g... What?
I fucked a chicken.
You mean
you fucked a... a chick?
Can I tell my own story?
Thank you.
Yeah.
Uh, my old lady
kicked me out of the house.
This was back in Aberdeen.
I was sleeping in the barn.
And I was all pissed off
and drunk out of my gourd
and there was
this chicken there.
and I-I fucked it.
And I, uh... I picked it up,
How is...
How is that even possible?
Mm...
I-I'm not a zoologist,
but I guess you got
to go up in where the eggs
come down, right?
- that's the chicken vagina.
- Yeah. I mean,
Or the chi-Gina?
Well, I know
it wasn't the asshole
'cause I didn't get any shit
on me or anything, you know.
Hey, what came first,
the chicken or the egg?
I think I did.
Okay.
We're done with that.
Somebody talk about something
that's happening this week.
Who wants to start?
Sam, a moment?
Yeah.
All right.
your best, all right?
Just, everybody, just do
I'll be right back.
Hey, padre.
You got your crucifix
and holy water handy?
This guy's got demons.
Listen. I got some scheduling
issues we need to talk about.
I-I know.
Yeah.
We... We started late today.
I got my asshole father in town.
No, it's not about that.
In fact, I was gonna tell you
since I gave you back the keys,
some... some nice changes
I've noticed
around here.
Oh, good.
in some of the guys
I think they're really starting
to put it together.
Mugsy is right on the verge
of really getting it.
I'm not an alcoholic?
So you're saying
No.
I don't think so.
But I've been in rehab
three times.
Pbht!
Rehab is a business.
That's true.
It is big business.
So, what happened to you?
Hmm? Oh, nothing.
My parents are both
on the small side, but that's...
Not you.
Flapjacks.
What? Nothing.
What do you mean?
what do I mean?
What do you mean
What happened to your arms?
They get blown off or something?
Yeah. Yeah, they got
blown off in Iraq,
but they managed
to reattach my hands.
They did their best.
Well, you know...
Oof.
Anyway,
What the fuck?
I'd venture to guess...
...more than half of you people
are not alcoholics.
are you talking, buddy?
What kind of shit
Let me ask a question...
Why do you guys like to drink?
I don't know.
'Cause it makes me feel good?
that's why I drink, too.
Yeah,
- Really? Me, too.
- Yep.
And what was it God said
in the Bible about feeling good?
He said go for it!
He didn't say that!
What did Jesus do
his last night on earth?
He partied!
He got his guys together,
and they turned bread into wine,
and then they got hammered!
So God wants us to be happy.
You bet your ass he does!
But society,
they demonize you guys.
alcohol outright...
I mean, they couldn't ban
even though
they sure as hell tried...
so they come at you guys
another way.
And you wanna know why?
Because rehab is big business.
It's got lobbyists.
And every business...
And the lobbyists
for the rehab industry,
they got paid to make sure that
every senator and every governor
voted to lower the DUI level
to .08,
even though we all know
that .08...
Well, you don't even get drunk
until you're into the teens,
right?
.08?
That's mouthwash.
Tom, I want you to leave.
Come on, I wanna stay.
Now!
Okay.
is .08.
So, now drunk driving
So when you get arrested
for drunk driving
you are obligated to do rehab.
Why?
Because these lobbyists...
They got the law changed
that says if you do rehab
from your job.
they can't fire you
So, you see what they're doing?
They're feeding the dragon.
You know, it does seem
that way sometimes.
I mean they never gave
Dean Martin or Spuds MacKenzie
Exactly.
this kind of shit.
And Dudley Moore's
only good movie was "Arthur."
Yeah!
But how do I know
if I'm not really an alcoholic?
Don't listen to this idiot.
You're all alcoholics!
Just do what I do.
for one month every year
I quit drinking
just to test the brakes.
If you can do that,
you're not an alcoholic.
I've got five weeks
under my belt right now.
Then you're not an alcoholic.
for nine months.
I've been sober
Then you are definitely not
an alcoholic.
The longest I ever been clean
is five days.
Hmm.
Well, you may have a problem,
chicken fucker.
Mm.
are tak...
So, the bingo bitches
Ah!
Bingo ladies...
Are taking Tuesdays
at 8:00.
We keep Thursdays at 8:00
and move to Tuesdays at 5:00?
are 5:00,
No, your Thursdays
and your Wednesday
moves to Saturday.
Loudermilk!
Cutter's choking out your dad.
What?
Accept the things
you cannot change
you can...
and change the things
Stop resisting!
Aren't you gonna break that up?
Or I'll shove my blue chip
down your throat!
In a sec.
Stop! He's resisting!
He's resisting!
How long was I out?
Just for a couple minutes,
and you deserved it.
Guys are trying to walk
a tightrope,
and you're grabbing the wire
and shaking it.
Hey, I was just trying
Hope?
to give 'em hope.
Yeah, hope
that maybe they're not as bad
Are you a fucking idiot?
as they think they are.
They're worse
than they think they are!
have for decent lives
The only hope these guys
is to accept the fact that they
can never, ever drink again.
Okay, relax, relax.
I'm gonna get out of your hair.
I've got a masseuse
coming over to work on my neck.
out of my hair"?
How's that "getting
Don't worry,
you won't even know we're here.
Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah.
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
- Oh!
- Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Oh, yeah.
Who's your daddy?!
Oh, yes!
Who's your daddy?!
Yeah, yeah!
Ohh, yeah.
What's her hourly?
I mean, how can he afford this?
Take it all.
Yeah.
Take it all.
Yeah, take it all.
I thought
he was just being charming
when he said he was gonna
give her frame damage.
Really?
You found that charming?
Well... cute.
Yeah.
Take it all.
Take it all.
Yeah.
Take it all.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah.
What's this?
I don't know.
Huh?
I don't know!
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Oh, yeah! Yeah. Yeah.
Get out here!
Right now?
I'm in the middle of someone.
Now!
No, no.
Don't, don't, don't.
Don't worry about him.
Don't...
No, no, you don't have to leave.
Your neck seems fine now.
I'm gonna go.
What are you talking about?
I was just getting loosened up.
Hey.
Come on, Svetlana.
We were having fun, weren't we?
Come on!
Oh, please!
You happy, shitballs?
Look what ya did!
You owe me an apology.
I owe you an apolog?
For what?
hiding under the couch.
Look what I found
That's not mine.
Bullshit!
Whose is it, then?
Okay, it's mine.
But at least I hid it.
I guess I forgot how good
your nose is for hard liquor.
is trying to be sober.
I told you that everybody here
I think you should apologize
to all of us.
Why?
You never apologized to me.
Isn't that one of your steps?
Apologizing to your old man?
to the people that I wronged,
No! I apologized
Fine.
not people who wronged me.
I'm getting
the hell out of here.
No, no, no, you don't get
to fucking get off that easy.
All right?
of my life like a tornado...
You just blow in and out
Why can't you for once
take responsibility
for being
so fucking irresponsible?
Okay.
I brought the flask.
I'm sorry
Happy?
No.
I'm talking about my whole life.
Oh Christ, here we go again.
When you were a kid,
I was a good father.
to the liquor cabinet!
You gave me a key
You asked me to!
I was twelve!
Okay, so I made one mistake.
When I was in ninth grade,
you disappeared for four years.
for four years!
We didn't see you
Hey, that was
between your mother and me.
Well, what about me, huh?
What about me, Dad?
That's why I came back.
Sure,
when I didn't need you anymore.
terrible childhoods, okay?
Look, we all had
I had one, my father had one,
you had one,
and your kid's gonna have one.
No.
No, he's not.
'Cause this fucked up
Loudermilk legacy
Yeah, I don't doubt that,
ends right here.
what with your personality.
I mean, what kind of person
doesn't like lobster?!
Fuck you!
No, fuck you!
Why can't you just admit
that's really pissing you off
that the thing
is that I can drink
and you can't.
That's bullshit.
Bullshit?
Is it?
I can drink and I can go to bed
and have a normal life.
and I can get up and go to work
When you drink,
you forget little things...
stupid things...
like how to go to bed...
how to write, how to drive.
by morning.
I want you out of here
You know what?
I'm gonna call my masseuse
and tell her to come back.
Hey!
Hey.
Where are you going?
with my dad.
I just had a blowout
I'm gonna go check into a hotel.
At 2:00 a.m.?
Why don't you just...
What, sleep on your couch?
No.
Just go back and, you know,
with your dad.
smooth things over
Yeah.
That's not gonna happen.
I mean, I-I would...
What?
I'd let you sleep on my couch,
Loudermilk, but...
is like three feet long.
my couch
Well, I don't mind
sleeping on the floor.
I don't know, Sam, you know?
Carl might not go for that.
Okay, couch is good.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
- You!
Oh, who's your daddy now?
Who?
Who's your daddy? Yeah.
Take it all.
Take it all.
Sorry for all this.
Take it all.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, take it all!
Take it all!
I, um
I got an idea.
Oh.
Oh, yeah!
to put on some music?
Do you want me
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Why not? Sure.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, yeah!
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?!
Who's your daddy?!
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy now?
Oh, yeah.
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's this?
Andy Shauf.
Huh. Nice.
It's Carl's.
What are you still doing here?
I didn't want us
to end things like that.
We're not...
We're not ending anything, okay?
We're just...
I think we do better
when we're apart.
Yeah, well,
I just want you to know that,
no matter what you think of me,
I'm very proud
to have you as my son.
Well, thanks.
I mean, God knows
you were far from perfect,
but you were good enough for me.
Okay.
Anyway, I got a Vancouver cougar
so I should hit the road.
waiting up north for me,
Oh, and, Sammy...
you might want
to keep an eye on Ben.
Not gay.
No,
vulnerable.
he just seems, uh...
Okay, sure.
Give your old man a hug.
- Travel safe.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Dad.
Uh, I just, you know...
Sorry.
Did he leave?
Yep.
Well, say what you will
about him,
but that guy can fuck.
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII
I've been in this business
long enough to know
that the next word that
comes out of your mouth
I'm calling the police.
is gonna be a lie.
- Don't make me tase you!
- On the ground, sir!
How y'all doing?
You know them?
I trained those two dipshits.
I would say that when I...
when I think about my ex-wife,
it makes me want to drink.
What did go wrong?
Not cool, man.
She's dead.
I never said she was dead.
You said you ran into a tree
and she died.
She came close,
but she pulled through.
to share something, please?
Would someone else like
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Hey. Hey!
You got a light?
Yeah?
I don't smoke.
Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Dad?
Well at least your little
pussy ears are still working.
What are you doing here?
I needed to see you, Sammy.
You couldn't call?
You... You're kind of
catching me at a weird time.
I'm dying.
Bullshit.
Nah, I'm not dying
but I sorta missed you.
So, how you been?
I'm... I'm perfect.
Great. I'm great.
What are you doing here?
I'm on my way up to Vancouver
to tag this broad,
so I thought I'd drop by.
Check this out.
She sent me a tit pic.
She's a bit of a tease, though.
She only sent me one tit.
I don't need to see that.
Cute, though, huh?
Huh?
So what were you
in the church for?
Uh, you in some kind
of gay men's choir?
I run a support group.
What kind of support group?
Oh.
It, uh...
Is it a gay thing?
No, I'm not gay.
I was married to a woman,
remember?
I-I work with people who
have substance-abuse issues.
So you're still doing that.
Oh.
I thought
it was kind of a fad, you know,
like when you did karate...
or went to college.
No, it's not a fad.
Just my life.
Oh, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
with something for a change.
It's nice to see you sticking
Look,
I-I've had a long day...
Me, too. Come on,
let's go get some grub.
I'm buying. I know
this great place to get lobster.
and you know that.
I hate lobster,
Because it upsets my stomach.
How can you hate lobster?
Oh cut that shit,
lobster's one
of God's great delicacies.
There isn't a person
on the planet
Oh, yeah?
that doesn't love lobster.
You know what they used it for
in the 1800s?
Fertilizer.
Right. Right.
And those are the same assholes
who also had slaves.
So if you want
to support that, too,
to have dinner with you,
well, then maybe I don't want
you alt-right motherfucker.
Hey, sorry I haven't seen you
since your accident thing.
My accident thing?
the drunken car wreck
Do you mean
where I almost killed
my then-wife?
Why, did you have another one?
You got my card, though, huh?
No.
Well, I definitely sent one.
It must've got lost
or something.
The mail out of Bangkok's
been a mess
since the rickshaws
went electric.
Okay, here's your Rob Roy.
Annette:
Thank you, Annette.
Oh, man, I'll take that.
Oh.
And your Amstel Light.
Are you kidding me?
What?
It's a light beer.
Dad, I'm sober.
was drugs and hard liquor?
I thought your problem
Yeah, well I-if you quit
the drugs and alcohol
you got to quit the beer, too.
Got it. Bring him
a glass of wine, please.
What?
No! No wine!
One glass of wine
ain't gonna kill ya.
Little French kids
drink wine at lunch.
I'm not a little French kid.
Wow. If you can't have one
glass of wine with your old man,
than you know, buddy boy.
then you got bigger problems
Yeah, okay.
Now you're starting to get it.
Be right back.
Everything...
You ready to order?
Yeah, two bake-stuffed
lobsters, please.
I-I can't have lobster!
No, no, no! I'm not...
I told you that.
It's hard on my stomach.
That's not the lobster.
That's the butter.
Don't blame the lobster.
The lobster did nothing!
defending the lobster?!
Why are you always
It's like the lobster
can do no wrong with you!
All right,
I'll have the chicken.
Okay.
He's a good kid.
some heavy stuff.
He's just going through
Oh.
That's why I came back here...
to do what dads do.
That's sweet.
God, I wish my dad
were more like you.
Well, what's the matter?
He wasn't around much?
I mean, it's just...
It's a long story.
That's okay. Go ahead.
Tell me about it.
I want to hear your story.
Hey, man, what's up?
My Dad's in town.
So, guess what.
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
I may have told him
that you were at the church.
What?
Why would you do that?
You know
he's one of my triggers!
Connection" was your trigger?
I thought the song "Rainbow
I've got a lot
of fucking triggers!
All right.
Sorry, dude.
Hey, uh,
does he still think I'm gay?
He thinks everybody is gay.
as my friend right now, okay?
Look, I'm not calling you
I'm calling you as my sponsor.
I need your fucking help.
What are you talking about?
He put a beer in front of me,
and if... if it hadn't been
an Amstel Light
a very different phone call.
this would be
Oh, what an asshole.
I really fucking wanted it, man.
It was, like, a frosted mug,
just a golden amber.
Of course you did.
how do I...
All right, so, how...
How do you deal with this?
I don't know, man.
It's different for everybody.
You know what I mean?
You got to just figure out
what works for you
and then do that.
wouldn't work for you.
What works for me definitely
I know that much.
Ben, cut the shit, all right?
I need some real advice here.
Okay.
Well, just, you know,
you've done and...
think of all the hard work
the weeks and months
and years and...
how you got a lot of people
counting on you
and, you know, they look up
to you, don't they?
all that with one drink.
You know? So just don't erase
Yeah, you gotta do better
than that next time.
I gotta go.
There, there.
Let it all out.
Mm-hmm.
Daddy's here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where are your keys?
My dad has them.
Mm-hmm.
You have a dad?
I always thought you were
one of those Russian babies
who grew up in an orphanage
without human contact.
Actually, pretty accurate.
He's a total drunk
Not only do I have one...
who spends every waking second
trying to bone
anything with a pulse.
Ewwww.
You say that, but you'll
probably end up doing him.
your Dad could possibly steal
Okay, everything
has been locked away in the safe
underneath my bed.
You have a safe under your bed?
Nope.
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go check on the chili.
Yeah, yeah.
Take it all, take it all!
Oh, yeah, take it all...
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
Come on! Not here.
Sorry, but there's someone
sleeping on the couch.
Dad, please.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, come on, kid,
give me a break.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, wake up.
I need the couch.
What? No.
Come on.
This is my spot.
Well, no, it's my spot
until now.
that I let you have
Get up.
Ugh!
If I get up, then I might
go out and get drunk.
Well, I'll buy you
the first round.
Man!
What the fuck?
Dude, now I got to plug
this shit in somewhere else!
All right, all right,
all right, fine, fine,
I'll sleep on the floor.
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, God!
Oh, take it.
Take it all.
Take it, honey.
Oh, yeah.
moaning loudly ]
[ Jack and Annette
Oh, yes!
Sounds like he really knows
what he's doing in there.
Shut up.
Ahh!
Yeah.
Oh. Uh.
Good morning, pussycat!
Is Annette still here?
Who?
The woman with the daddy issues.
to school.
No, she had to take her kids
Not everybody sleeps the day
away like you do, kiddo.
Oh, hey, Jack.
Holy shit, Ben...
Did you gain weight?
Uh, no. Actually, I lost
a little bit of weight.
a new scale, kiddo.
Uh, might be time to get
Hey, hope
I didn't keep you up last night.
Oh, you mean
with all that loud fucking?
Yeah.
She was a screamer, huh?
Yeah.
want to wash your sheets.
Oh, and Sammy, you'll probably
Hey, I'm burning those.
And who is this beauty?
I'm Claire.
Clear?
Is that some Scientology thing?
'Cause there's definitely
something evolved
Okay, okay. Give it a rest.
about this lady.
All right, all right.
So what are we doing today, huh?
We aren't doing anythin.
Oh, come on, how often
do we get to hang around, hmm?
Aren't you supposed to be
up in Vancouver
with the uni-boober?
You wouldn't talk to your dad
like that, would you?
My Dad's dead.
Oh, hm.
Walked right into that one.
I know.
Let's go to the pool hall
like when you were a kid.
and hustle marks,
No, I can't, I got stuff to do.
Oh, you're like that kid in
that "Cat's in the Cradle" song.
All right, that's a song about
a father who ignores his kid.
ends up ignoring the dad.
Yeah, and then the kid
There are no winners here.
Mm-hmm.
God, you are a whiny fuck.
Look, I'm sorry
if you don't think
I was the greatest dad in
the world when you were a kid,
Get over it?
but get over it.
That's right, get over it.
'Cause until I get the kinks
worked out in my time machine,
there is nothing
we can do about it.
Now come on,
I want to hang around.
of your... "meetings."
I know. Take me to one
You want to go
to one of my meetings?
Of course I do.
But first we better stop
at the liquor store...
I'm gonna need something strong
to get through that shit.
Very funny.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing?
Not bad.
How are you doing?
Good. Good.
Great.
Um, sooo, how's Ben doing?
Uh, he's good, you know.
Being Ben.
Why?
I was just curious, 'cause
he just seemed a little... odd
the last time I saw him.
of weird when my Dad's around.
Oh, yeah, he's... he's kind
Someone call?
My ears were burning.
Oh, come on, Sam,
Probably your syphilis.
you don't get syphilis
in the ears...
at the wrong moment.
unless she turns her head
Allison, this is Jack.
He's my father.
No, don't... don't smile.
He'll try to bang you.
Jack Loudermilk, Esquire.
You're not...
H-He's not a lawyer.
and my favorite magazin.
I was telling her my name
I figured that,
being that she's a model,
in the damn thing.
she's probably been
Here we go.
Okay... yeah,
I-I can see the resemblance.
were genetic.
If only charm
True dat.
I-I will see you guys later.
I certainly hope so.
We could talk about your dad.
Stop, please.
Stop.
What?
2C... I'll remember that.
911...
I'll remember that.
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
- Come on.
Who wants to talk?
Come on, somebody.
I-I-I'm sick of this shit.
all right?
We're gonna do an exercise.
Everybody is gonna say one thing
humiliating about themselves
that nobody else knows.
of this playing-it-safe shit.
No more
Who's gonna start?
Come on.
No.
Usually I sleep
with just a shirt on.
You mean no underwear?
Nope.
Just a shirt.
Sometimes just my tie.
Okay.
That's a terrible start.
I think we can do
a lot better than that.
Who's up?
I once had to watch my son
tap dancing to "Disco Duck"
during a school talent show.
as humiliating as hell.
That was
All right, I was fucking seven.
Okay, what about
when you were 14?
Yeah, okay, all right!
You used to go upstairs...
I-I want to hear
actually in the group.
from some people who are
I fucked a chicken once.
Okay, g... What?
I fucked a chicken.
You mean
you fucked a... a chick?
Can I tell my own story?
Thank you.
Yeah.
Uh, my old lady
kicked me out of the house.
This was back in Aberdeen.
I was sleeping in the barn.
And I was all pissed off
and drunk out of my gourd
and there was
this chicken there.
and I-I fucked it.
And I, uh... I picked it up,
How is...
How is that even possible?
Mm...
I-I'm not a zoologist,
but I guess you got
to go up in where the eggs
come down, right?
- that's the chicken vagina.
- Yeah. I mean,
Or the chi-Gina?
Well, I know
it wasn't the asshole
'cause I didn't get any shit
on me or anything, you know.
Hey, what came first,
the chicken or the egg?
I think I did.
Okay.
We're done with that.
Somebody talk about something
that's happening this week.
Who wants to start?
Sam, a moment?
Yeah.
All right.
your best, all right?
Just, everybody, just do
I'll be right back.
Hey, padre.
You got your crucifix
and holy water handy?
This guy's got demons.
Listen. I got some scheduling
issues we need to talk about.
I-I know.
Yeah.
We... We started late today.
I got my asshole father in town.
No, it's not about that.
In fact, I was gonna tell you
since I gave you back the keys,
some... some nice changes
I've noticed
around here.
Oh, good.
in some of the guys
I think they're really starting
to put it together.
Mugsy is right on the verge
of really getting it.
I'm not an alcoholic?
So you're saying
No.
I don't think so.
But I've been in rehab
three times.
Pbht!
Rehab is a business.
That's true.
It is big business.
So, what happened to you?
Hmm? Oh, nothing.
My parents are both
on the small side, but that's...
Not you.
Flapjacks.
What? Nothing.
What do you mean?
what do I mean?
What do you mean
What happened to your arms?
They get blown off or something?
Yeah. Yeah, they got
blown off in Iraq,
but they managed
to reattach my hands.
They did their best.
Well, you know...
Oof.
Anyway,
What the fuck?
I'd venture to guess...
...more than half of you people
are not alcoholics.
are you talking, buddy?
What kind of shit
Let me ask a question...
Why do you guys like to drink?
I don't know.
'Cause it makes me feel good?
that's why I drink, too.
Yeah,
- Really? Me, too.
- Yep.
And what was it God said
in the Bible about feeling good?
He said go for it!
He didn't say that!
What did Jesus do
his last night on earth?
He partied!
He got his guys together,
and they turned bread into wine,
and then they got hammered!
So God wants us to be happy.
You bet your ass he does!
But society,
they demonize you guys.
alcohol outright...
I mean, they couldn't ban
even though
they sure as hell tried...
so they come at you guys
another way.
And you wanna know why?
Because rehab is big business.
It's got lobbyists.
And every business...
And the lobbyists
for the rehab industry,
they got paid to make sure that
every senator and every governor
voted to lower the DUI level
to .08,
even though we all know
that .08...
Well, you don't even get drunk
until you're into the teens,
right?
.08?
That's mouthwash.
Tom, I want you to leave.
Come on, I wanna stay.
Now!
Okay.
is .08.
So, now drunk driving
So when you get arrested
for drunk driving
you are obligated to do rehab.
Why?
Because these lobbyists...
They got the law changed
that says if you do rehab
from your job.
they can't fire you
So, you see what they're doing?
They're feeding the dragon.
You know, it does seem
that way sometimes.
I mean they never gave
Dean Martin or Spuds MacKenzie
Exactly.
this kind of shit.
And Dudley Moore's
only good movie was "Arthur."
Yeah!
But how do I know
if I'm not really an alcoholic?
Don't listen to this idiot.
You're all alcoholics!
Just do what I do.
for one month every year
I quit drinking
just to test the brakes.
If you can do that,
you're not an alcoholic.
I've got five weeks
under my belt right now.
Then you're not an alcoholic.
for nine months.
I've been sober
Then you are definitely not
an alcoholic.
The longest I ever been clean
is five days.
Hmm.
Well, you may have a problem,
chicken fucker.
Mm.
are tak...
So, the bingo bitches
Ah!
Bingo ladies...
Are taking Tuesdays
at 8:00.
We keep Thursdays at 8:00
and move to Tuesdays at 5:00?
are 5:00,
No, your Thursdays
and your Wednesday
moves to Saturday.
Loudermilk!
Cutter's choking out your dad.
What?
Accept the things
you cannot change
you can...
and change the things
Stop resisting!
Aren't you gonna break that up?
Or I'll shove my blue chip
down your throat!
In a sec.
Stop! He's resisting!
He's resisting!
How long was I out?
Just for a couple minutes,
and you deserved it.
Guys are trying to walk
a tightrope,
and you're grabbing the wire
and shaking it.
Hey, I was just trying
Hope?
to give 'em hope.
Yeah, hope
that maybe they're not as bad
Are you a fucking idiot?
as they think they are.
They're worse
than they think they are!
have for decent lives
The only hope these guys
is to accept the fact that they
can never, ever drink again.
Okay, relax, relax.
I'm gonna get out of your hair.
I've got a masseuse
coming over to work on my neck.
out of my hair"?
How's that "getting
Don't worry,
you won't even know we're here.
Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah.
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
- Oh!
- Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Oh, yeah.
Who's your daddy?!
Oh, yes!
Who's your daddy?!
Yeah, yeah!
Ohh, yeah.
What's her hourly?
I mean, how can he afford this?
Take it all.
Yeah.
Take it all.
Yeah, take it all.
I thought
he was just being charming
when he said he was gonna
give her frame damage.
Really?
You found that charming?
Well... cute.
Yeah.
Take it all.
Take it all.
Yeah.
Take it all.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah.
What's this?
I don't know.
Huh?
I don't know!
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Oh, yeah! Yeah. Yeah.
Get out here!
Right now?
I'm in the middle of someone.
Now!
No, no.
Don't, don't, don't.
Don't worry about him.
Don't...
No, no, you don't have to leave.
Your neck seems fine now.
I'm gonna go.
What are you talking about?
I was just getting loosened up.
Hey.
Come on, Svetlana.
We were having fun, weren't we?
Come on!
Oh, please!
You happy, shitballs?
Look what ya did!
You owe me an apology.
I owe you an apolog?
For what?
hiding under the couch.
Look what I found
That's not mine.
Bullshit!
Whose is it, then?
Okay, it's mine.
But at least I hid it.
I guess I forgot how good
your nose is for hard liquor.
is trying to be sober.
I told you that everybody here
I think you should apologize
to all of us.
Why?
You never apologized to me.
Isn't that one of your steps?
Apologizing to your old man?
to the people that I wronged,
No! I apologized
Fine.
not people who wronged me.
I'm getting
the hell out of here.
No, no, no, you don't get
to fucking get off that easy.
All right?
of my life like a tornado...
You just blow in and out
Why can't you for once
take responsibility
for being
so fucking irresponsible?
Okay.
I brought the flask.
I'm sorry
Happy?
No.
I'm talking about my whole life.
Oh Christ, here we go again.
When you were a kid,
I was a good father.
to the liquor cabinet!
You gave me a key
You asked me to!
I was twelve!
Okay, so I made one mistake.
When I was in ninth grade,
you disappeared for four years.
for four years!
We didn't see you
Hey, that was
between your mother and me.
Well, what about me, huh?
What about me, Dad?
That's why I came back.
Sure,
when I didn't need you anymore.
terrible childhoods, okay?
Look, we all had
I had one, my father had one,
you had one,
and your kid's gonna have one.
No.
No, he's not.
'Cause this fucked up
Loudermilk legacy
Yeah, I don't doubt that,
ends right here.
what with your personality.
I mean, what kind of person
doesn't like lobster?!
Fuck you!
No, fuck you!
Why can't you just admit
that's really pissing you off
that the thing
is that I can drink
and you can't.
That's bullshit.
Bullshit?
Is it?
I can drink and I can go to bed
and have a normal life.
and I can get up and go to work
When you drink,
you forget little things...
stupid things...
like how to go to bed...
how to write, how to drive.
by morning.
I want you out of here
You know what?
I'm gonna call my masseuse
and tell her to come back.
Hey!
Hey.
Where are you going?
with my dad.
I just had a blowout
I'm gonna go check into a hotel.
At 2:00 a.m.?
Why don't you just...
What, sleep on your couch?
No.
Just go back and, you know,
with your dad.
smooth things over
Yeah.
That's not gonna happen.
I mean, I-I would...
What?
I'd let you sleep on my couch,
Loudermilk, but...
is like three feet long.
my couch
Well, I don't mind
sleeping on the floor.
I don't know, Sam, you know?
Carl might not go for that.
Okay, couch is good.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
- You!
Oh, who's your daddy now?
Who?
Who's your daddy? Yeah.
Take it all.
Take it all.
Sorry for all this.
Take it all.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, take it all!
Take it all!
I, um
I got an idea.
Oh.
Oh, yeah!
to put on some music?
Do you want me
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Why not? Sure.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, yeah!
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?!
Who's your daddy?!
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy now?
Oh, yeah.
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
Who's this?
Andy Shauf.
Huh. Nice.
It's Carl's.
What are you still doing here?
I didn't want us
to end things like that.
We're not...
We're not ending anything, okay?
We're just...
I think we do better
when we're apart.
Yeah, well,
I just want you to know that,
no matter what you think of me,
I'm very proud
to have you as my son.
Well, thanks.
I mean, God knows
you were far from perfect,
but you were good enough for me.
Okay.
Anyway, I got a Vancouver cougar
so I should hit the road.
waiting up north for me,
Oh, and, Sammy...
you might want
to keep an eye on Ben.
Not gay.
No,
vulnerable.
he just seems, uh...
Okay, sure.
Give your old man a hug.
- Travel safe.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Dad.
Uh, I just, you know...
Sorry.
Did he leave?
Yep.
Well, say what you will
about him,
but that guy can fuck.
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII