Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Lay, Lady, Lay - full transcript
I need you to go
to a meeting for me.
A client meeting?
Kind of. Not really.
I got a DUI last month.
I need you to go
to this Sober Friends meeting
and pretend to be me.
Do you mind if I sit in?
Who wants to sponsor Tom?
Fuck it, I'll do it!
You sure, Cutter?
You think you're ready,
after what happened to Ollie?
Looking forward to diving in,
seeing what
You feel that?
See you, Tom.
That's the kind of grip this
thing's got on you, man.
Why'd you take my records
and my record player?
She went into Rhino Vinyl,
and this is
what she walked out with.
Uh, so she has
shitty taste in music.
It's not her fault.
So what?
Most beautiful women do.
I'm getting a different sponsor.
I do appreciate everything
you've done for me.
Do you realize,
as I'm standing here,
axis a thousand miles an hour?
the Earth is spinning on its
Like, if I was God
spinning a basketball,
thousand miles an hour.
And at the same time
it's doing that,
the Earth is going in orbit
around the sun
at guess what rate of speed.
66,000 miles an hour.
thousand miles an hour.
66,000 miles an hour,
And on top of that, the whole
solar system's going through
the Milky Way galaxy at
guess what rate of speed.
400,000 miles an hour.
400,000 miles an hour,
66,000 miles an hour,
and a thousand miles an hour.
as that's happening,
And to top it all off,
the whole Milky Way galaxy is
tearing through the universe
at guess what rate of speed.
2.2 million miles an hour.
And that, officer, is why I
failed to walk a straight line
as you requested
a few moments ago.
Oh.
Hey, what?
What the hell are you doing?!
I'm asking myself
the same thing.
I don't know what's
more disturbing,
a beer in your hand
the fact that you got
or you're stroking your cucumber
to some soft-core
make-out porn.
And not even having
a hard-on!
I had a hard-on.
Well, what happened
to good old "gold chip" Donny?
a top-notch job.
Looks like he's doing
Come on.
Let's get him on the blower
ASAP, tell him you had a slip.
No, I-it's late.
I-I'll call him tomorrow.
We might not have a tomorrow
if we don't get this under
control now!
Oh, darn.
He's not picking up.
Yeah, well, that's
top-notch sponsoring.
If I ever meet this Donny guy,
I'm gonna choke him out.
Hi. You've reached Donny.
So you know what? I'm gonna...
I got his voicemail.
Hey, shithead!
Do...
While you're out doing
God knows what,
your sponsee's
sucking back beers
like Bukowski at
the Golden Goose happy hour!
gold chip!
You're a Goddamn
I had one beer.
Get on the ball, man.
You know how this goes.
You're better than this.
What are you doing?
I'm waiting for him
to call back.
10 minutes.
I'm giving him
After that,
he's officially fired,
and I'm back on the clock.
Ticktock.
I can't live like this!
I gotta lay the truth out.
set you free.
They say it'll
I hope so.
Cutter, I'm not an alcoholic.
God!
That's funny.
Hmm!
You know how those homosexuals
have a thing they call gaydar?
too.
Well, us drunks have something,
We call it drunkdar.
It's not as clever as gaydar,
but it works.
Oh, hee... boop, boop,
Stop scanning me!
boop, boop, boop, boop!
when I see one.
See, I know an alky
I can sense it.
It's like those elephants
who took the higher ground
before the tsunami.
No, no.
I went to that meeting
for my boss.
Well, if your boss thinks
you have a problem,
he's probably right.
No, no, you don't understand.
My boss got
the DUI, and...
Save it!
I've been in this business
long enough to know
that the next word that
comes out of your mouth
is gonna be a lie.
Fine. Okay.
You calling
dependable Donny again?
No, no, I'm calling the police.
I tried to explain it to you,
but you won't listen to me.
I tried to ask you to leave
nicely, and you refused.
So...
Emergency.
Hi, there.
Is there a problem?
Yes. I need
your help.
A man climbed onto my balcony,
he entered my apartment!
to send anyone.
There's no need
It's my ex-sponsee,
and that's his disease talking.
You think that's gonna
keep them from sending someone?
- Let 'em come.
- What do I care?
Just...
getting arrested
If it takes me
to prove myself to you,
so be it.
Let me know when they get here.
Oh. I will.
Hey, you journal, too?
It's a great way of freeing
negative emotions.
It's for work.
It's not a journal.
I didn't know you
were in advertising.
Yep.
Jumping Jack Crash!
You worked on this?
Yes.
Actually, I created
the entire campaign.
Jumping Jack Crash?!
You came up with
God damn! I fuckin' love
that little rabbit!
Zzit! With that little
lightning bolt on his head!
That cracks me up every time!
Man, I'm impressed.
Zzit!
Who knew you were funny?
You don't seem funny to me.
Thanks.
You should probably go.
Police are on their way.
Man, that's good shit.
Whoo.
Pigs are here, Tommy!
I'll handle it.
Don't worry.
Sir?
We got a call about an intruder.
Put your hands where
we can see 'em.
snap his neck.
One move, and I'll
On the ground, sir!
Don't make me tase you!
You couldn't tase
your own dick, Diaz!
Stand down, Tennely!
Good, man.
How y'all doing?
Good to see you, man.
Long time, Cutter.
You know the story
about this guy.
He's just a little bit...
All right.
Just helping out, man.
Okay?
Everything is good?
Everything's good.
All right.
Where are you going?!
Wait!
Sorry you had to come out here
for nothing.
Nothing? No, no, no!
No, no!
This is not for nothing!
This is for something!
Be safe!
Hey, hey, hey!
file a complaint!
Wait, I want to
That was Diaz and Tennely.
We go way back.
Good guys.
You... You know them?
Know 'em?
I trained those two dipshits.
Didn't I tell you?
I used to be a cop.
No.
Yep.
10 minutes.
That makes it official.
Donny's done.
You're mine again.
We gotta start working
them steps.
No!
Come on.
Got a latte
for Jim over here.
You want me to talk
to him for ya?
Hmm?
his shirt, Tell him to untuck
'cause he looks like
a fucking idiot?
No!
All right.
♪ Taking the edge off of me ♪
♪ Is a necessity
when I'm singing these words ♪
♪ That I no longer mean ♪
Excuse me. Sir?
Yeah, okay.
I'm a broken heart ♪
♪ I am not a poet,
Don't go anywhere.
Yeah.
It's Tony.
Hey, Tony.
last night.
I got a DUI
calling me for?
What are you
'Cause I'm in
county lockup.
Why didn't you
call your sponsor?
'Cause they took
my cellphone,
anybody's numbers.
and I couldn't remember
You remember mine?
Yeah.
Your numbers spell out
"shitbag."
Really?
No, I just know your number.
Now, please, will you come
down here and get me?
Where am I going?
All right.
I told you... county.
Fine. See ya there.
Ah, shit.
No!
I told you to wait!
Dodged a bullet, mom-jeans.
from your DUI?
So, Tony, what'd you learn
Did you at least get
some understanding
last night?
of why you drank
I know exactly why.
My wife opened up my bottle
of Giuseppi Quintarelli
"Alzero" Cabernet Veneto.
you have a bottle of wine?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why do
'Cause I bought it
for an investment.
It's... It's like art.
And all of a sudden,
Karen decides
to open it up to cook with it.
I'm telling you, I was upstairs,
and I could smell
with the... the clove.
the hint of vanilla mixed
Mmm. A little bit of cherry
in there as well.
That sounds amazing.
You bet your ass it's amazing.
They age it in Slovakian
oak barrels,
for fuck's sake.
Anyone ever see
that film "Sideways"?
What a fucking great film
that is.
It was like you're actually
drinking it yourself.
Ah, man. I-I felt that way
when Chevy Chase
"Christmas Vacation."
drank the egg nog in
Oh, the one that got me
was, uh, "United 93."
Couldn't take my eyes off those
little green Jameson bottles.
I had to walk out
of the theater.
Okay, that's enough
romanticizing, all right?
It's just fucking booze!
brought us all here.
That's the thing that
So your wife opens up
the bottle.
Why you gotta drink it?
'Cause she poured half a cup
into her spaghetti sauce
and then stuffed
the cork back in.
suppose to do?
What the fuck was I
That's a $400 bottle of wine.
Yeah, don't put this
on your wife, all right?
You're responsible
for keeping your side
of the street clean.
But she comes on my side
of the street.
And she's messing it up.
No, cut the shit.
You're in charge
of you, not her.
That still doesn't explain
why you got into your car.
I was heading downtown
to my wine locker
to grab a bottle
of Screaming Eagle.
Why?
Because it's the only wine
that can follow up
a Giuseppi Veneto.
Okay, you
You gotta get rid
of that locker.
Right, you gotta sell it all,
every single bottle.
Yeah, correct.
You want me to liquidate
my assets?
I want you to liquidate
the liquids.
Invest in yourself,
you dumb fuck!
Or Alcoa.
Or mutual funds.
Hey, what are you doing?
You can't smoke in here.
It's not 1975.
My bad.
I've been meaning to ask you
how things were going
with your sponsee.
Hey, he's had a couple missteps.
there to catch him.
But I've been right
Oh, yeah?
Good.
Feels good to be of service.
Yeah.
You know, I was this close
to picking up again
before Tom showed up.
Shit, really?
really struck a chord in me.
Yeah, Tom's cry for help
I'm not talking no
pussy minor chord.
I'm talking E major.
Wah!
Wah, wah!
Like that one that
Pete Townshend hits
"Teenage Wasteland."
at the beginning of
"Baba O'Riley."
That's an F-major chord.
Who gives a fuck
what chord it is?!
Right.
Yeah, sorry.
Fucker, I'm pouring
my guts out here.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
It's a great chord.
You know, when Ollie
finally went south...
...it was a rough road,
man.
I remember.
But working with that newbie...
it's finally taking me
out of that dark place.
Yeah.
It's kind of like my...
my pineal gland is decalcified,
you know.
Sure.
Thank you.
Thank you for that, man.
Sure.
You got it.
Any time.
Loudermilk.
Man, you hard on us,
Some of you need it.
But you're doing good.
You're on fire, man.
That's okay, man, but...
as hard as you are on us,
on yourself.
Uh...
you're always harder
Uh...
y-you're actually on fire.
You need me for
anything else?
No, no, no.
Go, go, go.
You're on fire. Go.
Okay.
Go, go, go.
Yeah, this ciggy is burning
a hole in my pocket.
All right.
Yeah, okay.
All right, good stuff, Cutter.
You home?
Hey.
Yes?
to make sure Uh, I just wanted
that Ben got you
your records back.
They're all accounted for.
Good, good, good, good.
Um, are you gonna be listening
to shitty music tonight,
to get to bed early.
because I was just hoping
I'm kidding!
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
You know, your musical taste
isn't so impeccable, either.
Well, I never said
it was impeccable.
"Pocket Full of Kryptonite,"
Spin Doctors,
five stars?
All right,
you gotta remember that
when I wrote that review,
the videos had not come out yet.
You said they were gonna be
the next Grateful Dead.
and I stand by the review.
Well, it's a rock-solid album,
I didn't tell the guy
to wear the freaking hat.
He looked like a Peruvian
sheep herder.
"Odelay" by Beck,
one-and-a-half stars.
Really?
That was personal.
All right, listen,
And yet you gushed
over Limp Bizkit.
I-I was drinking and drugging
pretty heavy when
"Chocolate Starfish and the Hot
Dog Flavored Water" came out,
and I...
I gotta admit...
that shit sounds
pretty good on blow
and wine mixed with tequila
on an empty stomach.
Okay, fine, you got me.
You got me.
I just... I didn't come here
to argue music with you.
I just...
You know, I just wanted
to make things, uh...
apologize?
You mean, like,
Whatever you want to call it.
Um, I didn't mean to go off
on you the other day.
That's... That's all.
Okay.
I will accept your apology,
not to get so worked up
but you need to learn
over something as trivial
as music.
Okay, fuck it.
Hey!
Now I was kidding.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, uh...
are good?
so you and I
Yeah.
♪ Saying I take
your private space ♪
Closed!
Hey, hey!
♪ But I want none ♪
No, no, it's me!
It's me... Tom!
♪ Saying that I take
all your time ♪
Tom!
Tom from group!
♪ But I haven't... ♪
doing here?
to you.
I need to talk
What are you
Well, that's what group's for.
No, I need to talk to you
without Cutter around.
Look, you can't just
show up at...
at somebody's workplace.
Please!
Yeah, tell that to Cutter.
All right.
Thank you.
Okay, be honest with me.
Am I...
Am I in danger?
What are you talking about?
Is Cutter insane?
Just level with me.
Is he... Is he bipolar?
Does he have PTSD?
What happened to Ollie?
Okay, all right, calm down.
Are you high?
No!
Okay.
go sit down.
All right,
I'm... I'm not high.
Okay, um...
Are you 100% sure Cutter
did not kill Ollie?
Yes, I am.
Cutter did not kill Ollie.
Okay, because he's weird.
when he sleeps.
You should see him
He stabs at the air,
and he shrieks like
a fisher-cat.
When did you see Cutter asleep?
He sleeps on the floor
next to my bed.
Why?
I don't know why!
All right, look...
I-I can tell you that Cutter
is 99% harmless, okay?
But the thing is,
is that he does give a shit.
He really, really, really,
really wants you to be sober.
Okay, but I didn't sign up
for this.
No, you were court-ordered.
Why can't you be my sponsor?
No, you already got a sponsor.
I think this is good for Cutter.
Good for Cutter?!
to be about me.
I thought this was supposed
See, that's your problem, Tom,
right there.
It's not all about you.
Okay?
As soon as you get
your head around that,
you're gonna start to get
a handle on your disease.
I... Listen, I-I get
what you're say...
Oh.
Come on,
we gotta go.
How did he know
you're here?
He d-drove me here.
Loudermilk's busy.
It's time up, okay?
What?
I-I told him I had to give you
my cousin's band's CD,
that they actually do want you
to listen to it.
It... It's...
Is everything all right?
Everything's cool.
Okay, let's go.
copacetic.
Everything's so
Motherfucker!
He's a fucking cop?
He used to be.
Jesus Christ, man!
He probably failed
his psych evaluation.
We need to make sure he
doesn't find out about us,
screwed, okay?
or we could be big-time
We could get jail time for this.
How am I gonna get you
promoted from jail?
No, jail? W-What
do you mean, jail?
Duh!
It's a felony!
Third DUI?!
for my third DUI.
You filling in
You didn't tell me
it was your third!
Come on, you think
they're gonna send me
to 30 meetings for one DUI?
Get your head on straight.
you fucked this thing up.
I can't believe how much
You know, you need
to start taking some
responsibility
for your actions, Kevin.
Maybe you shouldn't
get all these DUIs.
Enough with the mumbo-jumbo,
okay?
of these meetings.
You've been to too many
Yeah, no shit!
Calm down!
Okay, the good news is
look what came in today.
This is your new client.
Voluptuous.
Okay.
to know her.
You want to get
You want to get to love her,
because you, baby,
are taking the reins
on this one.
Wait, really?
I-I have the reins?
That's right.
It's all you.
your Jumping Jack Crash.
This is
Jumping Jack Crash is
my Jumping Jack Crash.
Yeah, well, right, yeah.
But now this time,
they won't fuck you
out of the recognition.
They?
That was you.
splitting hairs.
Okay, now you're just
Ooh.
Oh, that's not bad.
That is not bad.
Here.
Take a sip.
Oh!
early for vodka.
No, it's a little
Jesus, just take a sip.
It is your job to know
what we're selling.
Okay.
Uh, the peach is nice.
It's kind of...
brunchie.
Hmm.
What are you doing here?
What...
You... You can't just
show up at my office like this.
I'm just checking in.
Plus, I brought you a lunch.
Oh. Tha...
I made it myself.
Thank you.
A cubicle?
Uh...
Man, I pictured you for kind of
a corner-office
kind of a guy.
You know, after all, you came up
with Jumping Jack Crash.
Man, that lightning bolt
Yeah, yeah.
is a piece of Americana.
ever try to sue?
Hey, did the San Diego Chargers
No, they didn't.
And I will have an office soon,
but not if I sit around
chatting to people all day.
All right,
all right.
So...
I'll be out of your...
I get it, I get it.
Hey, what's this?
Oh, that's my new client.
It's 40% alcohol.
You sure it's a smart idea
having this on your desk?
I work at an ad agency.
I'm confiscating this.
enough to deal
Oh, you're not strong
with this kind of temptation.
It... It's...
Hell, it's got tits and ass
and booze inside?
Do you...
You know my mouth's watering
just looking at this thing.
five years clean.
And I've got
Listen, I-it's work, okay?
I'm not drinking the stuff.
Okay.
I'm gonna need you
to blow in this.
I'm not blowing
in that thing.
Yeah, you are.
Come on.
Blow like it's Betty White's
95th birthday cake.
Son of a bitch, Tom.
It's 11:00 a.m.
Oh, no, no, no.
to sample some product.
I... My boss asked me
I had a tiny sip.
You don't get it, man!
It's not a...
What?
A sip is a slip.
That's all it takes.
If I had just one sip,
I'd be off and running.
Okay.
to seriously question
You know, I'm starting
this work environment here.
My work environment is fine.
No.
Cutter.
Cutter, where you...
where are you going?
Cutter?
Cutter, where are you...
Cutter, where are you going?
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
Please... please
get down.
Uh!
announcement to make.
Listen up, I've got an
Down. Over there, now.
Please get down.
What's going on?
Now.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Please get down.
My name's Tracy Cutter,
and I'm an alcoholic.
young man's sponsor.
I'm also this brave
I don't know who hired this guy,
but it's not funny, people.
It's no joke.
I'm blowing Tom's cover
because we're dealing
with some serious shit here.
need your help.
And my man's gonna
Dealing with alcoholism
isn't easy.
But with your love and support,
Tom can get through this.
That's why,
by the power invested in me
as Tom's Sober Friends sponsor,
check his breath every morning.
I'm giving you permission to
I'm leaving this here.
It's an SD-5 police-issue
breathalyzer.
Self-cleaning,
standard stuff.
Have Tom blow in this
for 10 seconds
this button.
while you hold down
But, remember, the breathalyzer
doesn't check
Oh.
for benzos or opiates.
So feel free to check his
coat pockets and desk drawers.
But be careful while
you're poking around,
No.
needle in there.
you might find a dirty
Remember, you're dealing with
a man who sold his family dog
to the Vietcong for heroin.
What?
Oh, my God!
That's right.
Uh...
thing on the grill himself.
He might as well put the damn
But hold your head up high, Tom.
I think everybody in this room
has battled
with some form of addition...
be it caffeine...
Hmm?
...food...
Hmm?
and/or masturbation.
...video games
Whatever it is, communication
is the key, right?
Or maybe just cutting
back on those desserts.
Mm!
Anyways...
there's a saying
I recently heard...
it takes a village.
You all...
You all are that village.
And Tom here is the village
drunk who needs your help.
Oh, Tom.
Why would you do
something like that?
No, they can't.
They can fire me.
We'd sue their asses.
That's discrimination.
For what?
Addicts are
a protected class, Tom.
I mean, you're not protected
like a transsexual.
But you're way ahead
of the black guy.
As an ex-cop,
I should know.
want it to get to that...
Okay, but I don't
But Thomas Jefferson
doesn't want to sign the whole
thing over again
until Hancock gets
to use the Cross pen.
I like it, kid.
Keep 'em coming.
Mr. Cutter.
actually.
No, that was my thinking,
That was quite a show
you put on up there.
I'm sorry for
the distraction, sir.
Don't apologize, Tom.
I didn't know he was...
I have a brother in the program,
and I think it's great
a grip on this thing.
you're trying to get
I want you to know that
we're all here for you.
Thank you, sir.
But the second I think
you're back on that shit,
we're gonna have problems.
Boom!
Understood?
Don't leave me hanging.
See, that's the kind of
tough love my man needs.
Here, put your digits
in there, chief.
If there's a problem,
I'll let you know.
Come on.
after midnight...
I'll try not to call
unless it's life or death.
Thank you.
So...
The Declaration of Independence.
Fathers...
The Founding
Okay,
what your triggers are.
so you gotta know
All right?
So, Tony,
for you, having very expensive
bottles of art...
that's a trigger.
Yeah, that would definitely
be a trigger for me.
I love wine.
with a box of Franzia.
I used to start every morning
Don't you dare call that wine.
That's shit.
I'm in high school, douchebag.
Okay, all right,
but the point is, though,
is you gotta identify
your triggers,
and then you gotta keep
from them, right?
your fingers far away
What are your triggers,
Loudermilk?
Uh, I would say...
middle-age men who tuck
their shirts into mom-jeans.
I'd like a serious answer
from you.
here right now.
We're gonna focus on the group
You're part of the group.
Yeah, how do you expect
us to open up
if you can't, Loudermilk?
It's like you're
Mr. Perfect,
our dirty laundry.
but you want to hear
No, I'm not...
I'm not Mr. Perfect.
He was being facetious.
Come on, Loudermilk.
It's your turn.
Open the fuck up.
All right.
Fine, okay.
Uh...
my ex-wife.
I would say that when I...
when I think about
my ex-wife and what
went wrong there, I, uh...
...it makes me want to...
makes me want to drink.
What did go wrong?
Hey, fuck that.
We want him to relax right here.
wife makes him want to drink.
He just said thinking about his
No, no, Mugsy's right.
Airing it all out
can only make things better.
That's right. She doesn't pay
rent in his head.
Gotta get it out.
What was she like?
Yeah. Is she hot?
I bet she's hot.
Not cool, man.
She's dead.
Oh.
What?
Whoa, whoa, what are you
talking about?
She's not dead.
I never said
What?
she was dead.
You said you hit into a tree,
and she died.
No, I didn't.
I-I said that I was fine
and she wasn't.
Which she... she wasn't.
She was really messed up.
But so...
she... she didn't die?
No.
She came close.
Lost a leg.
She pulled through.
Lives in Nashville now.
Okay, so there, I opened up.
All right?
Can we change the topic now?
up in my ass No, you're all
about not sharing stuff
about my father,
so now it's time
for you to open up.
Come on!
What the hell?
I... Well, I don't know
what you want me to say.
die that night.
My wife didn't
Okay?
Our marriage did.
Guess you just gotta learn
not to dwell on it.
Yeah, well, I'm trying.
Okay, and I think I do
pretty good, too, sometimes,
that fucking song.
you know, till I hear
Which one?
"Rainbow Connection."
What, by Kermit
the Frog?
Yeah.
My wife loved that song,
and I...
I used to put it on every single
Mixtape I ever made for her.
meant was when I came to
So, uh, of course, what that
in the car, Kermit was just
starting in on the banjo intro,
you know?
And, uh, I remembered
where I was.
I looked over.
I saw all that blood
and thought...
I just killed the only woman
"Oh, son of a bitch,
I'm ever gonna love."
And then the frog started
singing the verse,
and that... it just repeats
over and over.
Okay?
So now you know, all right?
My big trigger is the song from
the fucking "Muppet Movie."
Would someone else like to share
something, please?
Cut... Cutter's first name
is Tracy.
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Hey.
Hey!
You got a light?
Yeah?
I don't smoke.
Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Dad?
♪ So maybe in my mind ♪
♪ There's an elegant land ♪
♪ In the darkness ♪
♪ Oh, and maybe in my mind ♪
♪ It's a hell of a time ♪
♪ In the darkness ♪
♪ And maybe in space ♪
♪ There's an alien race ♪
♪ I wouldn't be surprised ♪
♪ So without further ado ♪
♪ We'd like to introduce
you to ♪
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII
to a meeting for me.
A client meeting?
Kind of. Not really.
I got a DUI last month.
I need you to go
to this Sober Friends meeting
and pretend to be me.
Do you mind if I sit in?
Who wants to sponsor Tom?
Fuck it, I'll do it!
You sure, Cutter?
You think you're ready,
after what happened to Ollie?
Looking forward to diving in,
seeing what
You feel that?
See you, Tom.
That's the kind of grip this
thing's got on you, man.
Why'd you take my records
and my record player?
She went into Rhino Vinyl,
and this is
what she walked out with.
Uh, so she has
shitty taste in music.
It's not her fault.
So what?
Most beautiful women do.
I'm getting a different sponsor.
I do appreciate everything
you've done for me.
Do you realize,
as I'm standing here,
axis a thousand miles an hour?
the Earth is spinning on its
Like, if I was God
spinning a basketball,
thousand miles an hour.
And at the same time
it's doing that,
the Earth is going in orbit
around the sun
at guess what rate of speed.
66,000 miles an hour.
thousand miles an hour.
66,000 miles an hour,
And on top of that, the whole
solar system's going through
the Milky Way galaxy at
guess what rate of speed.
400,000 miles an hour.
400,000 miles an hour,
66,000 miles an hour,
and a thousand miles an hour.
as that's happening,
And to top it all off,
the whole Milky Way galaxy is
tearing through the universe
at guess what rate of speed.
2.2 million miles an hour.
And that, officer, is why I
failed to walk a straight line
as you requested
a few moments ago.
Oh.
Hey, what?
What the hell are you doing?!
I'm asking myself
the same thing.
I don't know what's
more disturbing,
a beer in your hand
the fact that you got
or you're stroking your cucumber
to some soft-core
make-out porn.
And not even having
a hard-on!
I had a hard-on.
Well, what happened
to good old "gold chip" Donny?
a top-notch job.
Looks like he's doing
Come on.
Let's get him on the blower
ASAP, tell him you had a slip.
No, I-it's late.
I-I'll call him tomorrow.
We might not have a tomorrow
if we don't get this under
control now!
Oh, darn.
He's not picking up.
Yeah, well, that's
top-notch sponsoring.
If I ever meet this Donny guy,
I'm gonna choke him out.
Hi. You've reached Donny.
So you know what? I'm gonna...
I got his voicemail.
Hey, shithead!
Do...
While you're out doing
God knows what,
your sponsee's
sucking back beers
like Bukowski at
the Golden Goose happy hour!
gold chip!
You're a Goddamn
I had one beer.
Get on the ball, man.
You know how this goes.
You're better than this.
What are you doing?
I'm waiting for him
to call back.
10 minutes.
I'm giving him
After that,
he's officially fired,
and I'm back on the clock.
Ticktock.
I can't live like this!
I gotta lay the truth out.
set you free.
They say it'll
I hope so.
Cutter, I'm not an alcoholic.
God!
That's funny.
Hmm!
You know how those homosexuals
have a thing they call gaydar?
too.
Well, us drunks have something,
We call it drunkdar.
It's not as clever as gaydar,
but it works.
Oh, hee... boop, boop,
Stop scanning me!
boop, boop, boop, boop!
when I see one.
See, I know an alky
I can sense it.
It's like those elephants
who took the higher ground
before the tsunami.
No, no.
I went to that meeting
for my boss.
Well, if your boss thinks
you have a problem,
he's probably right.
No, no, you don't understand.
My boss got
the DUI, and...
Save it!
I've been in this business
long enough to know
that the next word that
comes out of your mouth
is gonna be a lie.
Fine. Okay.
You calling
dependable Donny again?
No, no, I'm calling the police.
I tried to explain it to you,
but you won't listen to me.
I tried to ask you to leave
nicely, and you refused.
So...
Emergency.
Hi, there.
Is there a problem?
Yes. I need
your help.
A man climbed onto my balcony,
he entered my apartment!
to send anyone.
There's no need
It's my ex-sponsee,
and that's his disease talking.
You think that's gonna
keep them from sending someone?
- Let 'em come.
- What do I care?
Just...
getting arrested
If it takes me
to prove myself to you,
so be it.
Let me know when they get here.
Oh. I will.
Hey, you journal, too?
It's a great way of freeing
negative emotions.
It's for work.
It's not a journal.
I didn't know you
were in advertising.
Yep.
Jumping Jack Crash!
You worked on this?
Yes.
Actually, I created
the entire campaign.
Jumping Jack Crash?!
You came up with
God damn! I fuckin' love
that little rabbit!
Zzit! With that little
lightning bolt on his head!
That cracks me up every time!
Man, I'm impressed.
Zzit!
Who knew you were funny?
You don't seem funny to me.
Thanks.
You should probably go.
Police are on their way.
Man, that's good shit.
Whoo.
Pigs are here, Tommy!
I'll handle it.
Don't worry.
Sir?
We got a call about an intruder.
Put your hands where
we can see 'em.
snap his neck.
One move, and I'll
On the ground, sir!
Don't make me tase you!
You couldn't tase
your own dick, Diaz!
Stand down, Tennely!
Good, man.
How y'all doing?
Good to see you, man.
Long time, Cutter.
You know the story
about this guy.
He's just a little bit...
All right.
Just helping out, man.
Okay?
Everything is good?
Everything's good.
All right.
Where are you going?!
Wait!
Sorry you had to come out here
for nothing.
Nothing? No, no, no!
No, no!
This is not for nothing!
This is for something!
Be safe!
Hey, hey, hey!
file a complaint!
Wait, I want to
That was Diaz and Tennely.
We go way back.
Good guys.
You... You know them?
Know 'em?
I trained those two dipshits.
Didn't I tell you?
I used to be a cop.
No.
Yep.
10 minutes.
That makes it official.
Donny's done.
You're mine again.
We gotta start working
them steps.
No!
Come on.
Got a latte
for Jim over here.
You want me to talk
to him for ya?
Hmm?
his shirt, Tell him to untuck
'cause he looks like
a fucking idiot?
No!
All right.
♪ Taking the edge off of me ♪
♪ Is a necessity
when I'm singing these words ♪
♪ That I no longer mean ♪
Excuse me. Sir?
Yeah, okay.
I'm a broken heart ♪
♪ I am not a poet,
Don't go anywhere.
Yeah.
It's Tony.
Hey, Tony.
last night.
I got a DUI
calling me for?
What are you
'Cause I'm in
county lockup.
Why didn't you
call your sponsor?
'Cause they took
my cellphone,
anybody's numbers.
and I couldn't remember
You remember mine?
Yeah.
Your numbers spell out
"shitbag."
Really?
No, I just know your number.
Now, please, will you come
down here and get me?
Where am I going?
All right.
I told you... county.
Fine. See ya there.
Ah, shit.
No!
I told you to wait!
Dodged a bullet, mom-jeans.
from your DUI?
So, Tony, what'd you learn
Did you at least get
some understanding
last night?
of why you drank
I know exactly why.
My wife opened up my bottle
of Giuseppi Quintarelli
"Alzero" Cabernet Veneto.
you have a bottle of wine?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why do
'Cause I bought it
for an investment.
It's... It's like art.
And all of a sudden,
Karen decides
to open it up to cook with it.
I'm telling you, I was upstairs,
and I could smell
with the... the clove.
the hint of vanilla mixed
Mmm. A little bit of cherry
in there as well.
That sounds amazing.
You bet your ass it's amazing.
They age it in Slovakian
oak barrels,
for fuck's sake.
Anyone ever see
that film "Sideways"?
What a fucking great film
that is.
It was like you're actually
drinking it yourself.
Ah, man. I-I felt that way
when Chevy Chase
"Christmas Vacation."
drank the egg nog in
Oh, the one that got me
was, uh, "United 93."
Couldn't take my eyes off those
little green Jameson bottles.
I had to walk out
of the theater.
Okay, that's enough
romanticizing, all right?
It's just fucking booze!
brought us all here.
That's the thing that
So your wife opens up
the bottle.
Why you gotta drink it?
'Cause she poured half a cup
into her spaghetti sauce
and then stuffed
the cork back in.
suppose to do?
What the fuck was I
That's a $400 bottle of wine.
Yeah, don't put this
on your wife, all right?
You're responsible
for keeping your side
of the street clean.
But she comes on my side
of the street.
And she's messing it up.
No, cut the shit.
You're in charge
of you, not her.
That still doesn't explain
why you got into your car.
I was heading downtown
to my wine locker
to grab a bottle
of Screaming Eagle.
Why?
Because it's the only wine
that can follow up
a Giuseppi Veneto.
Okay, you
You gotta get rid
of that locker.
Right, you gotta sell it all,
every single bottle.
Yeah, correct.
You want me to liquidate
my assets?
I want you to liquidate
the liquids.
Invest in yourself,
you dumb fuck!
Or Alcoa.
Or mutual funds.
Hey, what are you doing?
You can't smoke in here.
It's not 1975.
My bad.
I've been meaning to ask you
how things were going
with your sponsee.
Hey, he's had a couple missteps.
there to catch him.
But I've been right
Oh, yeah?
Good.
Feels good to be of service.
Yeah.
You know, I was this close
to picking up again
before Tom showed up.
Shit, really?
really struck a chord in me.
Yeah, Tom's cry for help
I'm not talking no
pussy minor chord.
I'm talking E major.
Wah!
Wah, wah!
Like that one that
Pete Townshend hits
"Teenage Wasteland."
at the beginning of
"Baba O'Riley."
That's an F-major chord.
Who gives a fuck
what chord it is?!
Right.
Yeah, sorry.
Fucker, I'm pouring
my guts out here.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
It's a great chord.
You know, when Ollie
finally went south...
...it was a rough road,
man.
I remember.
But working with that newbie...
it's finally taking me
out of that dark place.
Yeah.
It's kind of like my...
my pineal gland is decalcified,
you know.
Sure.
Thank you.
Thank you for that, man.
Sure.
You got it.
Any time.
Loudermilk.
Man, you hard on us,
Some of you need it.
But you're doing good.
You're on fire, man.
That's okay, man, but...
as hard as you are on us,
on yourself.
Uh...
you're always harder
Uh...
y-you're actually on fire.
You need me for
anything else?
No, no, no.
Go, go, go.
You're on fire. Go.
Okay.
Go, go, go.
Yeah, this ciggy is burning
a hole in my pocket.
All right.
Yeah, okay.
All right, good stuff, Cutter.
You home?
Hey.
Yes?
to make sure Uh, I just wanted
that Ben got you
your records back.
They're all accounted for.
Good, good, good, good.
Um, are you gonna be listening
to shitty music tonight,
to get to bed early.
because I was just hoping
I'm kidding!
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
You know, your musical taste
isn't so impeccable, either.
Well, I never said
it was impeccable.
"Pocket Full of Kryptonite,"
Spin Doctors,
five stars?
All right,
you gotta remember that
when I wrote that review,
the videos had not come out yet.
You said they were gonna be
the next Grateful Dead.
and I stand by the review.
Well, it's a rock-solid album,
I didn't tell the guy
to wear the freaking hat.
He looked like a Peruvian
sheep herder.
"Odelay" by Beck,
one-and-a-half stars.
Really?
That was personal.
All right, listen,
And yet you gushed
over Limp Bizkit.
I-I was drinking and drugging
pretty heavy when
"Chocolate Starfish and the Hot
Dog Flavored Water" came out,
and I...
I gotta admit...
that shit sounds
pretty good on blow
and wine mixed with tequila
on an empty stomach.
Okay, fine, you got me.
You got me.
I just... I didn't come here
to argue music with you.
I just...
You know, I just wanted
to make things, uh...
apologize?
You mean, like,
Whatever you want to call it.
Um, I didn't mean to go off
on you the other day.
That's... That's all.
Okay.
I will accept your apology,
not to get so worked up
but you need to learn
over something as trivial
as music.
Okay, fuck it.
Hey!
Now I was kidding.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, uh...
are good?
so you and I
Yeah.
♪ Saying I take
your private space ♪
Closed!
Hey, hey!
♪ But I want none ♪
No, no, it's me!
It's me... Tom!
♪ Saying that I take
all your time ♪
Tom!
Tom from group!
♪ But I haven't... ♪
doing here?
to you.
I need to talk
What are you
Well, that's what group's for.
No, I need to talk to you
without Cutter around.
Look, you can't just
show up at...
at somebody's workplace.
Please!
Yeah, tell that to Cutter.
All right.
Thank you.
Okay, be honest with me.
Am I...
Am I in danger?
What are you talking about?
Is Cutter insane?
Just level with me.
Is he... Is he bipolar?
Does he have PTSD?
What happened to Ollie?
Okay, all right, calm down.
Are you high?
No!
Okay.
go sit down.
All right,
I'm... I'm not high.
Okay, um...
Are you 100% sure Cutter
did not kill Ollie?
Yes, I am.
Cutter did not kill Ollie.
Okay, because he's weird.
when he sleeps.
You should see him
He stabs at the air,
and he shrieks like
a fisher-cat.
When did you see Cutter asleep?
He sleeps on the floor
next to my bed.
Why?
I don't know why!
All right, look...
I-I can tell you that Cutter
is 99% harmless, okay?
But the thing is,
is that he does give a shit.
He really, really, really,
really wants you to be sober.
Okay, but I didn't sign up
for this.
No, you were court-ordered.
Why can't you be my sponsor?
No, you already got a sponsor.
I think this is good for Cutter.
Good for Cutter?!
to be about me.
I thought this was supposed
See, that's your problem, Tom,
right there.
It's not all about you.
Okay?
As soon as you get
your head around that,
you're gonna start to get
a handle on your disease.
I... Listen, I-I get
what you're say...
Oh.
Come on,
we gotta go.
How did he know
you're here?
He d-drove me here.
Loudermilk's busy.
It's time up, okay?
What?
I-I told him I had to give you
my cousin's band's CD,
that they actually do want you
to listen to it.
It... It's...
Is everything all right?
Everything's cool.
Okay, let's go.
copacetic.
Everything's so
Motherfucker!
He's a fucking cop?
He used to be.
Jesus Christ, man!
He probably failed
his psych evaluation.
We need to make sure he
doesn't find out about us,
screwed, okay?
or we could be big-time
We could get jail time for this.
How am I gonna get you
promoted from jail?
No, jail? W-What
do you mean, jail?
Duh!
It's a felony!
Third DUI?!
for my third DUI.
You filling in
You didn't tell me
it was your third!
Come on, you think
they're gonna send me
to 30 meetings for one DUI?
Get your head on straight.
you fucked this thing up.
I can't believe how much
You know, you need
to start taking some
responsibility
for your actions, Kevin.
Maybe you shouldn't
get all these DUIs.
Enough with the mumbo-jumbo,
okay?
of these meetings.
You've been to too many
Yeah, no shit!
Calm down!
Okay, the good news is
look what came in today.
This is your new client.
Voluptuous.
Okay.
to know her.
You want to get
You want to get to love her,
because you, baby,
are taking the reins
on this one.
Wait, really?
I-I have the reins?
That's right.
It's all you.
your Jumping Jack Crash.
This is
Jumping Jack Crash is
my Jumping Jack Crash.
Yeah, well, right, yeah.
But now this time,
they won't fuck you
out of the recognition.
They?
That was you.
splitting hairs.
Okay, now you're just
Ooh.
Oh, that's not bad.
That is not bad.
Here.
Take a sip.
Oh!
early for vodka.
No, it's a little
Jesus, just take a sip.
It is your job to know
what we're selling.
Okay.
Uh, the peach is nice.
It's kind of...
brunchie.
Hmm.
What are you doing here?
What...
You... You can't just
show up at my office like this.
I'm just checking in.
Plus, I brought you a lunch.
Oh. Tha...
I made it myself.
Thank you.
A cubicle?
Uh...
Man, I pictured you for kind of
a corner-office
kind of a guy.
You know, after all, you came up
with Jumping Jack Crash.
Man, that lightning bolt
Yeah, yeah.
is a piece of Americana.
ever try to sue?
Hey, did the San Diego Chargers
No, they didn't.
And I will have an office soon,
but not if I sit around
chatting to people all day.
All right,
all right.
So...
I'll be out of your...
I get it, I get it.
Hey, what's this?
Oh, that's my new client.
It's 40% alcohol.
You sure it's a smart idea
having this on your desk?
I work at an ad agency.
I'm confiscating this.
enough to deal
Oh, you're not strong
with this kind of temptation.
It... It's...
Hell, it's got tits and ass
and booze inside?
Do you...
You know my mouth's watering
just looking at this thing.
five years clean.
And I've got
Listen, I-it's work, okay?
I'm not drinking the stuff.
Okay.
I'm gonna need you
to blow in this.
I'm not blowing
in that thing.
Yeah, you are.
Come on.
Blow like it's Betty White's
95th birthday cake.
Son of a bitch, Tom.
It's 11:00 a.m.
Oh, no, no, no.
to sample some product.
I... My boss asked me
I had a tiny sip.
You don't get it, man!
It's not a...
What?
A sip is a slip.
That's all it takes.
If I had just one sip,
I'd be off and running.
Okay.
to seriously question
You know, I'm starting
this work environment here.
My work environment is fine.
No.
Cutter.
Cutter, where you...
where are you going?
Cutter?
Cutter, where are you...
Cutter, where are you going?
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
Please... please
get down.
Uh!
announcement to make.
Listen up, I've got an
Down. Over there, now.
Please get down.
What's going on?
Now.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Please get down.
My name's Tracy Cutter,
and I'm an alcoholic.
young man's sponsor.
I'm also this brave
I don't know who hired this guy,
but it's not funny, people.
It's no joke.
I'm blowing Tom's cover
because we're dealing
with some serious shit here.
need your help.
And my man's gonna
Dealing with alcoholism
isn't easy.
But with your love and support,
Tom can get through this.
That's why,
by the power invested in me
as Tom's Sober Friends sponsor,
check his breath every morning.
I'm giving you permission to
I'm leaving this here.
It's an SD-5 police-issue
breathalyzer.
Self-cleaning,
standard stuff.
Have Tom blow in this
for 10 seconds
this button.
while you hold down
But, remember, the breathalyzer
doesn't check
Oh.
for benzos or opiates.
So feel free to check his
coat pockets and desk drawers.
But be careful while
you're poking around,
No.
needle in there.
you might find a dirty
Remember, you're dealing with
a man who sold his family dog
to the Vietcong for heroin.
What?
Oh, my God!
That's right.
Uh...
thing on the grill himself.
He might as well put the damn
But hold your head up high, Tom.
I think everybody in this room
has battled
with some form of addition...
be it caffeine...
Hmm?
...food...
Hmm?
and/or masturbation.
...video games
Whatever it is, communication
is the key, right?
Or maybe just cutting
back on those desserts.
Mm!
Anyways...
there's a saying
I recently heard...
it takes a village.
You all...
You all are that village.
And Tom here is the village
drunk who needs your help.
Oh, Tom.
Why would you do
something like that?
No, they can't.
They can fire me.
We'd sue their asses.
That's discrimination.
For what?
Addicts are
a protected class, Tom.
I mean, you're not protected
like a transsexual.
But you're way ahead
of the black guy.
As an ex-cop,
I should know.
want it to get to that...
Okay, but I don't
But Thomas Jefferson
doesn't want to sign the whole
thing over again
until Hancock gets
to use the Cross pen.
I like it, kid.
Keep 'em coming.
Mr. Cutter.
actually.
No, that was my thinking,
That was quite a show
you put on up there.
I'm sorry for
the distraction, sir.
Don't apologize, Tom.
I didn't know he was...
I have a brother in the program,
and I think it's great
a grip on this thing.
you're trying to get
I want you to know that
we're all here for you.
Thank you, sir.
But the second I think
you're back on that shit,
we're gonna have problems.
Boom!
Understood?
Don't leave me hanging.
See, that's the kind of
tough love my man needs.
Here, put your digits
in there, chief.
If there's a problem,
I'll let you know.
Come on.
after midnight...
I'll try not to call
unless it's life or death.
Thank you.
So...
The Declaration of Independence.
Fathers...
The Founding
Okay,
what your triggers are.
so you gotta know
All right?
So, Tony,
for you, having very expensive
bottles of art...
that's a trigger.
Yeah, that would definitely
be a trigger for me.
I love wine.
with a box of Franzia.
I used to start every morning
Don't you dare call that wine.
That's shit.
I'm in high school, douchebag.
Okay, all right,
but the point is, though,
is you gotta identify
your triggers,
and then you gotta keep
from them, right?
your fingers far away
What are your triggers,
Loudermilk?
Uh, I would say...
middle-age men who tuck
their shirts into mom-jeans.
I'd like a serious answer
from you.
here right now.
We're gonna focus on the group
You're part of the group.
Yeah, how do you expect
us to open up
if you can't, Loudermilk?
It's like you're
Mr. Perfect,
our dirty laundry.
but you want to hear
No, I'm not...
I'm not Mr. Perfect.
He was being facetious.
Come on, Loudermilk.
It's your turn.
Open the fuck up.
All right.
Fine, okay.
Uh...
my ex-wife.
I would say that when I...
when I think about
my ex-wife and what
went wrong there, I, uh...
...it makes me want to...
makes me want to drink.
What did go wrong?
Hey, fuck that.
We want him to relax right here.
wife makes him want to drink.
He just said thinking about his
No, no, Mugsy's right.
Airing it all out
can only make things better.
That's right. She doesn't pay
rent in his head.
Gotta get it out.
What was she like?
Yeah. Is she hot?
I bet she's hot.
Not cool, man.
She's dead.
Oh.
What?
Whoa, whoa, what are you
talking about?
She's not dead.
I never said
What?
she was dead.
You said you hit into a tree,
and she died.
No, I didn't.
I-I said that I was fine
and she wasn't.
Which she... she wasn't.
She was really messed up.
But so...
she... she didn't die?
No.
She came close.
Lost a leg.
She pulled through.
Lives in Nashville now.
Okay, so there, I opened up.
All right?
Can we change the topic now?
up in my ass No, you're all
about not sharing stuff
about my father,
so now it's time
for you to open up.
Come on!
What the hell?
I... Well, I don't know
what you want me to say.
die that night.
My wife didn't
Okay?
Our marriage did.
Guess you just gotta learn
not to dwell on it.
Yeah, well, I'm trying.
Okay, and I think I do
pretty good, too, sometimes,
that fucking song.
you know, till I hear
Which one?
"Rainbow Connection."
What, by Kermit
the Frog?
Yeah.
My wife loved that song,
and I...
I used to put it on every single
Mixtape I ever made for her.
meant was when I came to
So, uh, of course, what that
in the car, Kermit was just
starting in on the banjo intro,
you know?
And, uh, I remembered
where I was.
I looked over.
I saw all that blood
and thought...
I just killed the only woman
"Oh, son of a bitch,
I'm ever gonna love."
And then the frog started
singing the verse,
and that... it just repeats
over and over.
Okay?
So now you know, all right?
My big trigger is the song from
the fucking "Muppet Movie."
Would someone else like to share
something, please?
Cut... Cutter's first name
is Tracy.
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Hey.
Hey!
You got a light?
Yeah?
I don't smoke.
Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Dad?
♪ So maybe in my mind ♪
♪ There's an elegant land ♪
♪ In the darkness ♪
♪ Oh, and maybe in my mind ♪
♪ It's a hell of a time ♪
♪ In the darkness ♪
♪ And maybe in space ♪
♪ There's an alien race ♪
♪ I wouldn't be surprised ♪
♪ So without further ado ♪
♪ We'd like to introduce
you to ♪
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII