Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - There's A New Kid in Town - full transcript
Is your Dr. McDreamy here? We
should all grab a meal sometime.
I think that guy's choking.
Dr. Carl?
What happened?
This guy just saved my life.
- Not him. Him.
- Oh, honey.
Loudermilk?
It's a CPAP
that Carl brought over.
No, I think he did it,
probably 'cause he felt guilty.
Why? Because he's sleeping with
your imaginary girlfriend?
Yeah, look, not that I care,
but I-I was thinking,
since it's raining outside,
well,
maybe it would be a good idea if
we put our shoes out in the hall
so we don't
get the floor all wet.
But you don't care?
Not at all. Not at all.
Oh, no.
But somebody might.
Show of hands...
does anybody give a shit
if the floor gets a little wet?
- Not really.
- No.
- Great.
- Fuck, no.
So, you don't care,
nobody else cares,
it's a non-issue.
So who would like to...
Uh, yeah,
but maybe down the road
we'll get somebody
who does care,
it would be good to establish
so I was thinking
a "no-wet-shoes-in-the-room
rule" for their sake.
That is, if you guys
think it's a good idea.
Personally, I don't give a shit.
New guy,
w-what's your name?
"what's my name?"
Channing Tatum. What do you mean
I thought it was supposed to be
anonymous.
So I'm just gonna call you
New Guy forever?
Yeah, I'm good with that.
Okay. New Guy, it is.
Nice to meet ya, New Guy.
Hey.
But what if we get
a new new guy?
Well, then, uh, New Guy
and New New Guy'll
have to work that out.
I think the newer new guy should
always get to be New Guy.
first. That's not fair.
Oh, no, no, no. I was New Guy
Okay, let's...
let's cross that bridge
when we come to it, okay?
Now, would somebody like
to bat lead-off
with something that's
actually worth talking about?
I'll take it.
Mugsy.
I had a, uh, brutal day
with my boss yesterday.
I was about two seconds
away from...
Yeah, you know, b-but,
I'm sorry, but,
before we totally
get going here,
on the "no wet shoes" thing?
where exactly did we land
Hey, New Guy, shut the fuck up!
Yes. We landed there.
Okay, take it easy.
I'm on your side.
Mugsy.
So, anyway, this, uh, asshole...
with some bullshit...
he comes up to me again
Okay, I'm gonna stop you here
for a second.
Remember, when you're
bashing the people
around you in your life,
you're bashing your life.
Be aware of that.
You're right.
And I know
he's one of my triggers...
Do you mind if I sit in?
Hey, look!
It's a new New Guy!
Does it matter where I sit?
Anywhere you're comfortable,
buddy.
Sorry.
- All right, breaking your balls?
- Yeah.
I can't believe K-douche
just stood there
and took all the glory.
the fucker didn't even mention
Tom's name.
my friends.
All in good time,
No. You need to stop
letting that prick
take credit for your ideas.
I promise you, my day will come.
Reardon is gonna
promote somebody
Voluptuous Vodka campaign.
to head up the new
Kevin is going to help him
make that decision.
So, no need to rock the boat.
- Tomcat?
- Yes.
in my office?
Can I have a word with you
- Yes, you can.
- All right.
Okay.
Tommy boy, did you hear?
Arrow is... ka-pow!
Busting a nut
over this campaign.
it feels good to finally see
Yeah, no, I mean, it...
one of my ideas
get this sort of traction.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Your idea?
You mean our idea?
This is a team effort, Tom.
Yeah, you came up with
the rabbit daredevil character,
with you.
but I flushed it out
You added a lightning bolt
to the helmet.
Which is what brought him
to life.
Y...
Look, I'm not trying to be
ungrateful.
It's okay.
You have given me so...
When I was working under Pete,
I had a shit-ton of ideas
that I didn't get
"official credit" for.
But right now, you just have to
be patient, young grasshopper.
Okay?
your pitching skills, they suck.
You're a good ideas man, but
My pitching skills don't suck.
Oh, no?
Okay, let's take a page out
of my favorite movie,
"The Wolf of Wall Street."
I am the client.
Sell me this Cross pen.
Okay.
Um, all right.
Maybe we could do...
Never say maybe, it shows
uncertainty, a sign of weakness.
Okay.
All right.
is in session.
Imagine the Continental Congress
All the founding fathers
are there, you know?
They're there to sign the
Declaration of Independence.
They all have the...
the old-style,
uh, quill and ink pens.
and the scratch and then...
Yeah, yeah, the dip
The big...
B-But now it's John Hancock's
turn, he steps up,
whips out the Cross pen,
signs his name
10 times bigger than everyone
else in one smooth stroke.
So everyone gathers around,
about his pen,
they... they want to know
they want to re-sign
their names with it, you know,
but... but, uh,
Thomas Jefferson, you know,
he's not having it,
he's not gonna rewrite
the whole document...
unless...
he can use the Cross pen.
Wow. That is not bad.
But it's not always about
what you were saying,
it's about
how you are saying it.
And that needs some work.
When you are ready,
you'll get your shot.
Uh, okay.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold up there, Tomcat,
there is one other thing
I could use your help with.
Shut the door.
Okay, I need you to go
to a meeting for me.
A client meeting?
Kind of. Not really.
I got a DUI last month.
Long story short, I got popped
doing 50 in a school zone.
Anyways, I took a plea, okay?
Now I got to go to
a bunch of these meetings
drug diversion program.
for this stupid
But I can't make it
to the first meeting tonight
'cause I got to have drinks
with Reardon.
So... I need you to go
to this Sober Friends meeting
and pretend to be me.
Hmm.
You're not serious.
Of course I'm serious.
You go there for an hour,
listen to
some funny drunk stories,
you get the person
to sign the... the paper.
It's easy-peasy.
to a meeting tonight,
Okay, but I-if I go as you
what happens
when you go to the next one?
And we look nothing alike.
That's why I'm sending you
I mean...
to a rinky-dink meeting
on the other side of town.
Uh, I don't know.
Okay. No problem.
I'll just get Gary to do it.
Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Anybody but fucking Gary.
Okay, well, then,
are you in or are you out?
I mean, it's just not fair!
and clinics as those other guys,
I took all the same classes
and they all got hired
and I didn't.
Oh, my God, Roger,
get the fuck over it, will ya?
You bring this shit up
every week.
Why should I get over it?
It's one of my dreams.
to pursue a dream, Tony.
I do have the right
Yeah, but setback
shouldn't mean relapse, okay?
Everybody takes lumps.
I know.
I just got so mad,
I didn't know what else to do.
Well, I guess
you just got to figure out
from hiring you.
what's keeping them
Maybe it's your attitude.
Attitude is important.
What's wrong with my attitude?
I've got a good attitude.
You? Do you think
I've got a good attitude?
Seems fine to me.
working with high school kids,
Yeah, but when someone's
you... you want them to have
a certain temperament, right?
Well... I mean, m-my teachers
all had different personalities,
different styles.
He's not trying to be a teacher.
What are you trying to do?
Oh.
High school football ref.
Maybe they thought
you were too slow, Roger.
I ran a 4.8-40.
He meant slow in the head.
I completely memorized the rule
book and I aced the test.
not hire you for nothing.
Yeah, but they wouldn't just
I know. Exactly.
I've got a theory.
I think
it's because I'm British.
They think I can't figure out
their football rules.
Or... it could be...
Mm-hmm?
No offense, I just mean,
to be a football ref,
wouldn't you have to...
- What?
- Yeah, what?
I-I just mean, let's say
they score a touchdown.
Would you have to...
do this?
But I can do that.
Yeah, it's probably the accent.
Sorry, dude,
we're totally fucking with you.
Yeah.
Got to fuck with the new guy.
I'm still New Guy.
Just to clarify,
Hey. All right, now that
your cherry's popped,
why don't you introduce
yourself.
Oh, um, yeah.
You don't have to stand up.
but nobody does.
I mean, you can,
Uh, hi. I'm Tom.
My real name is Kevin.
People just call me Tom.
It's a nickname
from h-high school,
'cause I played the Tom-Tom
in marching band.
- Well, welcome Tom.
- Welcome, Tom-Tom.
Hi, Tom.
You want to tell us what, uh,
brings you here?
Oh, n-no thanks.
This... Uh, it's my first
meeting, so I'm just...
just here to listen and...
ah, get this paper signed.
in charge of signing that paper,
I'm the one
and I think it would be
cathartic for you to share.
Okay.
Well, uh,
I've always been a big drinker,
ever since...
since high school.
Junior high even.
sleep-over at Derek Daily's.
Yeah, I was... I was at a
During a game of hide and seek,
I found
the real milk and cookies...
his parents' liquor cabinet.
A few Kahlúa and creams later,
and...
off to the races.
I was on heroin for a while.
Ah.
Yeah, it was...
it was just like that movie
"Trainspotting,"
only it wasn't a movie, and...
for that sweet needle.
But the things I did
Like what?
Uh...
Well... one time,
I sold the family's schnauzer
to some neighbors
for extra dope money.
I don't know what the Kims
did with him, but...
I never saw him again.
That's some fucked up shit,
brother.
They probably ate his ass up.
Oh, sorry.
I'm afraid we're out of time.
Thanks for sharing, Tom.
Um...
Uh, yeah. No problem.
You have a sponsor yet?
Do I have a what?
Yeah. That's a big no.
Who wants to sponsor Tom?
Anybody?
I guess I can handle it.
Okay.
Tony, it's got to be somebody
who's more than
two-weeks sober, okay?
I understand it's
a personal best for you.
But it's... you know.
- It... it's okay.
I can get a sponsor next week.
Fuck it! I'll do it!
Are you sure, Cutter?
Uh...
you think your ready,
after what happened to Ollie?
I stood up, didn't I?
Yeah. Yeah, you did.
Um... okay.
Tom, Cutter.
Cutter, Tom.
- That's it, everybody.
- Um...
Take your cups with you please.
- Uh...
Uh, can anyone tell me what...
what happened
to this... this
Ollie... Ollie person?
That's my cross to bear.
Oh, hi.
Cutter.
Welcome.
Mm-hmm.
- Where are they? Indiana?
- Yeah.
- Playing like, 6:00 I think.
- Excuse me!
- I think I'd go with Celtics.
- Mr. Loudermilk...
- Yep.
- You're a believer.
Uh... just uh...
gotta get my paper signed.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
See you at the next one?
Yeah, looking forward
to diving in,
- You feel that?
- seeing what
That's the kind of grip this
thing's got on you, man.
See you, Tom.
Your disease is
a sadomasochistic prick
butt rape your soul
that wants to
and leave you face down
in a pile of pig shit.
As your sponsor, it's my duty to
make sure that doesn't happen.
You see this?
This is a five-year chip.
just give these away.
They don't
Uh, o... okay. I-I appreciate
you wanting to help me,
but... I-I don't think
I need a sponsor.
Denial ain't just a river
in South America.
You sold your family dog
for smack.
I know how it is.
No. I'm not judging you for it.
But normal people, normies,
they don't do stuff like that.
Give me your phone.
Oh... um. I lost it.
Huh. There it is.
I made you a promise here
tonight, Tom,
to me.
and that means something
Mm-hmm.
Now you know it's me
calling.
Terrific.
Say, why don't we just
go grab a horchata,
the steps.
we can start working
Um... Yeah. This has been
really overwhelming for me,
so I'm...
I'm gonna pass, but...
All right then.
I'll see you here
tomorrow night!
Yeah! Yep! Tomorrow!
Hey!
How'd it go tonight?
Good meeting?
It was a great meeting.
Yeah.
One of my regulars really
stepped up big time.
in months,
This guy hasn't spoken
and he, uh,
offered to sponsor the new guy.
I thought the new guy
already had a sponsor.
Nah, we got a new new guy.
You should see this kid, man.
He looks like shit.
He's really been
through the ringer.
I think Cutter's gonna be
good for him.
Cutter?
Isn't that the crazy dude
who looks like Floyd Mayweather
after you add water?
he's just a strong flavor.
He's not crazy. He's...
He's not crazy?
He tried to sell me
a dead rat once
that he'd attached
to a key chain.
Said it would bring me
good luck in my love life.
♪ You've got a lot of nerve ♪
Who's playing that shit?
This is the third time this week
I've had to listen
to this fucking song.
Oh, it's not that bad.
"Sugar Days"?
It's not that bad?
It's 77 in my book.
Which book?
"All You Need is Love"...
and 500 other songs
to kill yourself to.
Google it.
I can't.
Glen next door changed
his wifi password again.
You're kidding me.
Nope.
What a paranoid asshole.
All right. Well,
we'll just crack it, you know?
It's... it's gonna be the name
of one of his ferrets.
Unfortunately,
he just got another ferret...
...so we're totally screwed.
from Gay Jim's place.
You know, I think it's coming
Gay Jim. Across the hall?
Who?
Gay Ji...
Oh. His name's Gayjum.
It's Pakistani.
He's... he's married to a woman.
always smiling at me?
Uh, really? Then why's he
I don't know. Maybe he's gay.
Yep?
Sounds like your Ford
needs a new serpentine belt.
What year is that thing?
I don't know. You know what?
I'll get it looked at tomorrow.
There's a Pep Boys across
the street from my office.
Tell you what.
I'll pick one up and swap it out
before tomorrow night's meeting.
me that I got your paperwork.
By the way, remind when you see
We want to make sure
you get credit
for all the meetings
you about to hit.
Wait, wait, wait.
You stole my paperwork?
It fell out of your pocket
when I grabbed your phone.
It's important.
No, no, no. I need that paper.
Damn right it is.
That's why it can't be
in the hands of a drunkard
who already lost it
at his very first meeting.
Call me
No, I need that paper...
if you need anything.
- No! No, no, no!!
- No, no, no!
♪ So tell me why you hangin'
around my door ♪
♪ You've got a lotta nerve ♪
♪ Thinking I would
take you back ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ I say,
you've got a lotta nerve ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ After hookin' up
with that skank ♪
No...
♪ I wanna see ya beg now ♪
♪ Want makes you think I'd ever
think about forgivin' your ass ♪
Hey. Uh...
Hey.
out here.
I thought I heard someone
Yeah.
Uh, I'm just...
making my nightly rounds...
uh, neighborhood watch.
You want some tea?
♪ You're such a pretty boy ♪
Uh, sure.
Okay!
♪ I know exactly
what you need ♪
♪ It's such a pity, boy ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ You won't be gettin' none
from me ♪
I see you got
some new vinyl.
record store over on Market.
Yeah, I went to that little
That's a good place.
Why do they have this shit?
Huh?
Uh, nothing.
I'm just checking out
your records.
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
Wilson Phillips...
♪ Who-o-ah ♪
..."Glee Season 2",
"Glee Season"... Eeah.
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
Oh, my God.
♪ Who-o-ah ♪
♪ You've got a lotta nerve ♪
the music?
Why'd you turn off
Loudermilk?
She went into Rhino Vinyl,
and this is
what she walked out with.
Well, maybe she bought them
ironically,
to give away as gag gifts.
you know, like,
No, no.
That's not ironic.
Okay? She was playing Sugar Days
fucking over and over again.
That's not ironic.
It explains why
she's with the doctor,
'cause t-they're fucking...
you know,
they're idiots
when it comes to music.
It's absolutely true!
That's not true.
Do y... Do you listen to
the music in a waiting room?
You can't do surgery
and also understand
the intricacies of good music.
parts of the brain.
It's not... It's different
It's not fucking possible.
Oh, really? Okay, well,
what about Dr. Dre, uh,
Dr. John,
Doctors Hall & Oates?
Look, anyway,
music is subjective, okay?
what's good or what's bad?
Who's to say
Uh, me.
Like, I literally wrote the book
on what's good and what's bad.
Uh, so she has
shitty taste in music.
So what?
It's not her fault.
honestly...
Most beautiful women do,
Their adorable ears
pick up sounds differently
than you or I,
so stop being an asshole
and bring her her stuff back.
How 'bout that?
No.
I can't go over there.
I got to process this.
We need a cooling-off period.
Hey! Loudermilk!
Why'd you take my music?
Hmm?
I'm still processing.
has my paperwork?
Your sponsor
Why the fuck
did you get a sponsor?
I don't know.
It j... It just happened.
I... But... Don't worry.
I'm gonna get it back from him
at the meeting tonight.
Yeah, just... just
get my paperwork back
and cut him loose, okay?
N... Oh, oh.
Hold on there, buddy.
I think I can kill two birds
with one stone here,
and you can get me
the rest of the signatures.
How is that killing two birds?
you and me.
You'll be helping
But going to your Sober Friends
meetings doesn't help me.
Sure, it does.
I'm gonna owe you big time.
You already owe me!
That is very true, but now
I'm going to owe you big time.
my mandate I'm gonna make it
to help you reach
the next level here.
You know this is illegal.
We can get in actual trouble
for this.
The crime has already
been committed, Tom-bomb.
of me showing you
Now it's just a matter
that you have
some follow-through.
Give us a minute here, Gary.
See, I knew I should've gotten
Gary to do this.
Oh, fuck Gary!
if I'm gonna do this Listen,
I'm gonna need more than just a
promise from you to help me out.
Okay.
Tell me what you're thinking.
I want to take point on
the Voluptuous Vodka account.
I want to be in that meeting
myself,
pitching my ideas.
face to face,
I want to show Reardon
what I can do.
Do we have a deal?
Okay.
Okay?
Yeah. O-Okay.
Deal.
Hey, man, I'm kind of
in the middle of something.
Can I call you right back?
- I'll make it quick.
right around the corner
There's a lunch meeting
from your office.
It's not my scene,
but I think you'd dig it.
By my office? Wai...
How do you know where I work?
You said you worked right across
the street from Pep Boys,
did a little detective work,
into your office right now.
and I'm walking
Uh, no, no.
Uh, stay right there.
Stay outside.
I'll be right there.
Hey.
Hey, pork-snout.
The meeting's just a couple
blocks away from here.
business-type people like you.
You're gonna love it...
How long is this meeting?
If you don't have time
for a meeting,
we can go up to your office and
start working the steps instead.
You can introduce me
to your office friends.
No, no.
Uh, let's do this right.
Good attitude.
Whoa. Hey, old-timer.
I see somebody got a new friend.
Yeah.
This is Lil' Pumpkin.
Well, hey there, Pumpkin.
Lil' Pumpkin.
No, it's Lil' Pumpkin.
Is that... Is that "Lil',"
L-I-L, or "Little" with the T's?
Is there an apostrophe in...
Hey.
Hey.
What happened to you last night?
Last night?
Oh! Yeah.
Yeah, last night.
That was, uh...
It was kind of embarrassing,
actually.
I-I had, uh,
some stomach issues.
The Big D.
Diarrhea.
Yeah, I knew
what the Big D meant,
but why'd you take my records
and my record player?
If you wanted to borrow some
music, you could've just asked.
W... No, I didn't... I didn't
want to borrow your music.
I'm confused.
I'm sorry.
I felt I had to
confiscate your music
to just try to understand
why one person would buy
so many crappy records.
What are you talking about?
Those are great records.
No, no, no.
is a great record, okay?
"Dark Side of the Moon"
"Fear Of A Black Planet,"
"Doolittle,"
"Houses Of The Holy"...
great records.
And what's wrong
with my records?
Just calling them records
is a little bit of a stretch.
So now you're bashing Prince?
Oh, really?
Oh, no. Love him.
I love him. Love Prince.
A ton of great albums...
none of which you own.
You bought "Come."
"Come" is the album
that he made intentionally bad
his Warners deal.
to get out of
You're a music snob.
No shit.
I was a critic.
That was my job, you know?
I mean, find me a critic
who's not a snob.
It just comes with
the territory of being right.
in that whole box, okay,
You have one decent album
and it was Pavement,
"Slanted & Enchanted."
Well,
Emerson, Lake & Palmer?
They're okay.
They're all right.
They're horrible in concert.
Horrible.
the triple live album.
You brought
Okay, I'm sorry,
but I'm not gonna apologize
for Emerson, Lake & Palmer.
Well, I think you just did.
Look, I'm not... I don't...
I'm not trying to be a dick
here, okay?
Loudermilk,
Okay, you don't have to try,
'cause it comes naturally.
Hey, what are you getting
so worked up about?
I...
We're just talking music.
You're the one
getting worked up!
records and my record player,
I mean, how dare you steal my
and then you tell me
my taste sucks.
I did like that Pavement album.
That's Carl's.
Of course it is.
Sorry...
can't smoke out here.
Relax, Deputy, it's an e-cig...
no smoke, just vapor.
That's a Marlboro Red.
E-cig.
Oh. I need to get
my paperwork back.
I need to get that signed.
Already took care of it,
my friend.
I'd feel better
if I could hold on to that.
It's my responsibility.
Take it easy.
It's in good hands.
You'll get it back
once we get all the signatures.
Hey, you cool flying solo?
I want to check out the ladies.
You know I'm kind of
into that girl-on-girl thing.
Oh.
You know
what I'm talking about, right?
Kind of.
Hey.
Hi.
I haven't seen you
at this meeting.
Are you new to the program?
Um, yeah...
kind of new.
but it gets easier.
It's tough at first,
You found a sponsor
that you like?
That I like? No.
My sponsor's mentally ill.
That's him right there...
smelling that woman's hair.
Yeah, it can be hard to tell
what you're gonna get
when you first pick 'em.
Oh, I didn't pick him.
He picked me.
Maybe you should find
someone else.
You know, it's crucial
to your recovery
to have a sponsor that you trust
and look up to.
Yeah.
Wait, really?
I can do that?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Um, just be honest with him.
Tell him that you...
It's not a good fit for you.
personally.
He won't take it
These old-timers don't.
You could have your sponsor
for years, you know?
It's...
It's got to feel right.
Right.
Thank you.
No problem.
So, want me to be your sponsor?
Oh, um...
no.
I'll come back tonight
and pick you up
for the meeting
at the Immaculate.
uh, Cutter, Ah, yeah, listen,
there's something
I need to tell you.
Did you have a slip?
No, I-I didn't have a slip.
Um...
I'm getting a different sponsor.
at the meeting today,
I-I met a guy
and we just really clicked.
You're a great guy, Cutter,
I just...
I think we're a better fit,
you know?
Um...
is this registering?
Yeah.
Uh, okay.
Okay.
Yeah, of course.
Just tears up my heart a little.
Oh. No.
I-I thought you weren't supposed
to take this personally.
I am a human being, Tom.
I'm not no fucking robot!
and I'm not ashamed of that.
I do have feelings and emotions,
Who is this guy?
It's not that fella I saw you
talking to by the bathroom,
because I got kind of
a weirdo vibe from him.
No.
No, it's not that guy.
were smelling that woman's hair.
I... I met this guy while you
What's his name?
Uh...
Donny.
How much clean time
does Donny have?
Should be two years minimum.
He just got
his 10-year chip.
Ooh. Wow.
Well, that's certainly
enough time.
I should probably hit the road,
get myself to a meeting
and go see my own sponsor.
Rejection's one of my triggers.
Uh... I-I'm sorry.
do what you got to do.
Yeah, uh,
I-I do need to get my paperwork
back from you.
All right, then.
If that's what you want.
Thank you.
Thank you, Cutter.
you've done for me.
I-I do appreciate everything
♪ Do you find
it gets a little easier ♪
♪ Each time
you make it disappear? ♪
♪ Oh, fools,
the magician bends the rules ♪
♪ As the cro... ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
I'm tryin', and I'll try ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
I'm tryin', and I'll try ♪
if you were Herr Barockter ♪
♪ Imagine,
♪ Alias and nobleman, son
of son of sky, and of scion ♪
♪ Part of his rich inheritance ♪
♪ Parceled and generous divorced
sentence forthwith being ♪
♪ Certain blocks of land
and living quarters ♪
and wives thereof ♪
♪ Deemed by all gentlemen
♪ To be grossly humane
and frankly, quiet undirty ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
and I'll try ♪
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII
should all grab a meal sometime.
I think that guy's choking.
Dr. Carl?
What happened?
This guy just saved my life.
- Not him. Him.
- Oh, honey.
Loudermilk?
It's a CPAP
that Carl brought over.
No, I think he did it,
probably 'cause he felt guilty.
Why? Because he's sleeping with
your imaginary girlfriend?
Yeah, look, not that I care,
but I-I was thinking,
since it's raining outside,
well,
maybe it would be a good idea if
we put our shoes out in the hall
so we don't
get the floor all wet.
But you don't care?
Not at all. Not at all.
Oh, no.
But somebody might.
Show of hands...
does anybody give a shit
if the floor gets a little wet?
- Not really.
- No.
- Great.
- Fuck, no.
So, you don't care,
nobody else cares,
it's a non-issue.
So who would like to...
Uh, yeah,
but maybe down the road
we'll get somebody
who does care,
it would be good to establish
so I was thinking
a "no-wet-shoes-in-the-room
rule" for their sake.
That is, if you guys
think it's a good idea.
Personally, I don't give a shit.
New guy,
w-what's your name?
"what's my name?"
Channing Tatum. What do you mean
I thought it was supposed to be
anonymous.
So I'm just gonna call you
New Guy forever?
Yeah, I'm good with that.
Okay. New Guy, it is.
Nice to meet ya, New Guy.
Hey.
But what if we get
a new new guy?
Well, then, uh, New Guy
and New New Guy'll
have to work that out.
I think the newer new guy should
always get to be New Guy.
first. That's not fair.
Oh, no, no, no. I was New Guy
Okay, let's...
let's cross that bridge
when we come to it, okay?
Now, would somebody like
to bat lead-off
with something that's
actually worth talking about?
I'll take it.
Mugsy.
I had a, uh, brutal day
with my boss yesterday.
I was about two seconds
away from...
Yeah, you know, b-but,
I'm sorry, but,
before we totally
get going here,
on the "no wet shoes" thing?
where exactly did we land
Hey, New Guy, shut the fuck up!
Yes. We landed there.
Okay, take it easy.
I'm on your side.
Mugsy.
So, anyway, this, uh, asshole...
with some bullshit...
he comes up to me again
Okay, I'm gonna stop you here
for a second.
Remember, when you're
bashing the people
around you in your life,
you're bashing your life.
Be aware of that.
You're right.
And I know
he's one of my triggers...
Do you mind if I sit in?
Hey, look!
It's a new New Guy!
Does it matter where I sit?
Anywhere you're comfortable,
buddy.
Sorry.
- All right, breaking your balls?
- Yeah.
I can't believe K-douche
just stood there
and took all the glory.
the fucker didn't even mention
Tom's name.
my friends.
All in good time,
No. You need to stop
letting that prick
take credit for your ideas.
I promise you, my day will come.
Reardon is gonna
promote somebody
Voluptuous Vodka campaign.
to head up the new
Kevin is going to help him
make that decision.
So, no need to rock the boat.
- Tomcat?
- Yes.
in my office?
Can I have a word with you
- Yes, you can.
- All right.
Okay.
Tommy boy, did you hear?
Arrow is... ka-pow!
Busting a nut
over this campaign.
it feels good to finally see
Yeah, no, I mean, it...
one of my ideas
get this sort of traction.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Your idea?
You mean our idea?
This is a team effort, Tom.
Yeah, you came up with
the rabbit daredevil character,
with you.
but I flushed it out
You added a lightning bolt
to the helmet.
Which is what brought him
to life.
Y...
Look, I'm not trying to be
ungrateful.
It's okay.
You have given me so...
When I was working under Pete,
I had a shit-ton of ideas
that I didn't get
"official credit" for.
But right now, you just have to
be patient, young grasshopper.
Okay?
your pitching skills, they suck.
You're a good ideas man, but
My pitching skills don't suck.
Oh, no?
Okay, let's take a page out
of my favorite movie,
"The Wolf of Wall Street."
I am the client.
Sell me this Cross pen.
Okay.
Um, all right.
Maybe we could do...
Never say maybe, it shows
uncertainty, a sign of weakness.
Okay.
All right.
is in session.
Imagine the Continental Congress
All the founding fathers
are there, you know?
They're there to sign the
Declaration of Independence.
They all have the...
the old-style,
uh, quill and ink pens.
and the scratch and then...
Yeah, yeah, the dip
The big...
B-But now it's John Hancock's
turn, he steps up,
whips out the Cross pen,
signs his name
10 times bigger than everyone
else in one smooth stroke.
So everyone gathers around,
about his pen,
they... they want to know
they want to re-sign
their names with it, you know,
but... but, uh,
Thomas Jefferson, you know,
he's not having it,
he's not gonna rewrite
the whole document...
unless...
he can use the Cross pen.
Wow. That is not bad.
But it's not always about
what you were saying,
it's about
how you are saying it.
And that needs some work.
When you are ready,
you'll get your shot.
Uh, okay.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold up there, Tomcat,
there is one other thing
I could use your help with.
Shut the door.
Okay, I need you to go
to a meeting for me.
A client meeting?
Kind of. Not really.
I got a DUI last month.
Long story short, I got popped
doing 50 in a school zone.
Anyways, I took a plea, okay?
Now I got to go to
a bunch of these meetings
drug diversion program.
for this stupid
But I can't make it
to the first meeting tonight
'cause I got to have drinks
with Reardon.
So... I need you to go
to this Sober Friends meeting
and pretend to be me.
Hmm.
You're not serious.
Of course I'm serious.
You go there for an hour,
listen to
some funny drunk stories,
you get the person
to sign the... the paper.
It's easy-peasy.
to a meeting tonight,
Okay, but I-if I go as you
what happens
when you go to the next one?
And we look nothing alike.
That's why I'm sending you
I mean...
to a rinky-dink meeting
on the other side of town.
Uh, I don't know.
Okay. No problem.
I'll just get Gary to do it.
Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Anybody but fucking Gary.
Okay, well, then,
are you in or are you out?
I mean, it's just not fair!
and clinics as those other guys,
I took all the same classes
and they all got hired
and I didn't.
Oh, my God, Roger,
get the fuck over it, will ya?
You bring this shit up
every week.
Why should I get over it?
It's one of my dreams.
to pursue a dream, Tony.
I do have the right
Yeah, but setback
shouldn't mean relapse, okay?
Everybody takes lumps.
I know.
I just got so mad,
I didn't know what else to do.
Well, I guess
you just got to figure out
from hiring you.
what's keeping them
Maybe it's your attitude.
Attitude is important.
What's wrong with my attitude?
I've got a good attitude.
You? Do you think
I've got a good attitude?
Seems fine to me.
working with high school kids,
Yeah, but when someone's
you... you want them to have
a certain temperament, right?
Well... I mean, m-my teachers
all had different personalities,
different styles.
He's not trying to be a teacher.
What are you trying to do?
Oh.
High school football ref.
Maybe they thought
you were too slow, Roger.
I ran a 4.8-40.
He meant slow in the head.
I completely memorized the rule
book and I aced the test.
not hire you for nothing.
Yeah, but they wouldn't just
I know. Exactly.
I've got a theory.
I think
it's because I'm British.
They think I can't figure out
their football rules.
Or... it could be...
Mm-hmm?
No offense, I just mean,
to be a football ref,
wouldn't you have to...
- What?
- Yeah, what?
I-I just mean, let's say
they score a touchdown.
Would you have to...
do this?
But I can do that.
Yeah, it's probably the accent.
Sorry, dude,
we're totally fucking with you.
Yeah.
Got to fuck with the new guy.
I'm still New Guy.
Just to clarify,
Hey. All right, now that
your cherry's popped,
why don't you introduce
yourself.
Oh, um, yeah.
You don't have to stand up.
but nobody does.
I mean, you can,
Uh, hi. I'm Tom.
My real name is Kevin.
People just call me Tom.
It's a nickname
from h-high school,
'cause I played the Tom-Tom
in marching band.
- Well, welcome Tom.
- Welcome, Tom-Tom.
Hi, Tom.
You want to tell us what, uh,
brings you here?
Oh, n-no thanks.
This... Uh, it's my first
meeting, so I'm just...
just here to listen and...
ah, get this paper signed.
in charge of signing that paper,
I'm the one
and I think it would be
cathartic for you to share.
Okay.
Well, uh,
I've always been a big drinker,
ever since...
since high school.
Junior high even.
sleep-over at Derek Daily's.
Yeah, I was... I was at a
During a game of hide and seek,
I found
the real milk and cookies...
his parents' liquor cabinet.
A few Kahlúa and creams later,
and...
off to the races.
I was on heroin for a while.
Ah.
Yeah, it was...
it was just like that movie
"Trainspotting,"
only it wasn't a movie, and...
for that sweet needle.
But the things I did
Like what?
Uh...
Well... one time,
I sold the family's schnauzer
to some neighbors
for extra dope money.
I don't know what the Kims
did with him, but...
I never saw him again.
That's some fucked up shit,
brother.
They probably ate his ass up.
Oh, sorry.
I'm afraid we're out of time.
Thanks for sharing, Tom.
Um...
Uh, yeah. No problem.
You have a sponsor yet?
Do I have a what?
Yeah. That's a big no.
Who wants to sponsor Tom?
Anybody?
I guess I can handle it.
Okay.
Tony, it's got to be somebody
who's more than
two-weeks sober, okay?
I understand it's
a personal best for you.
But it's... you know.
- It... it's okay.
I can get a sponsor next week.
Fuck it! I'll do it!
Are you sure, Cutter?
Uh...
you think your ready,
after what happened to Ollie?
I stood up, didn't I?
Yeah. Yeah, you did.
Um... okay.
Tom, Cutter.
Cutter, Tom.
- That's it, everybody.
- Um...
Take your cups with you please.
- Uh...
Uh, can anyone tell me what...
what happened
to this... this
Ollie... Ollie person?
That's my cross to bear.
Oh, hi.
Cutter.
Welcome.
Mm-hmm.
- Where are they? Indiana?
- Yeah.
- Playing like, 6:00 I think.
- Excuse me!
- I think I'd go with Celtics.
- Mr. Loudermilk...
- Yep.
- You're a believer.
Uh... just uh...
gotta get my paper signed.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
See you at the next one?
Yeah, looking forward
to diving in,
- You feel that?
- seeing what
That's the kind of grip this
thing's got on you, man.
See you, Tom.
Your disease is
a sadomasochistic prick
butt rape your soul
that wants to
and leave you face down
in a pile of pig shit.
As your sponsor, it's my duty to
make sure that doesn't happen.
You see this?
This is a five-year chip.
just give these away.
They don't
Uh, o... okay. I-I appreciate
you wanting to help me,
but... I-I don't think
I need a sponsor.
Denial ain't just a river
in South America.
You sold your family dog
for smack.
I know how it is.
No. I'm not judging you for it.
But normal people, normies,
they don't do stuff like that.
Give me your phone.
Oh... um. I lost it.
Huh. There it is.
I made you a promise here
tonight, Tom,
to me.
and that means something
Mm-hmm.
Now you know it's me
calling.
Terrific.
Say, why don't we just
go grab a horchata,
the steps.
we can start working
Um... Yeah. This has been
really overwhelming for me,
so I'm...
I'm gonna pass, but...
All right then.
I'll see you here
tomorrow night!
Yeah! Yep! Tomorrow!
Hey!
How'd it go tonight?
Good meeting?
It was a great meeting.
Yeah.
One of my regulars really
stepped up big time.
in months,
This guy hasn't spoken
and he, uh,
offered to sponsor the new guy.
I thought the new guy
already had a sponsor.
Nah, we got a new new guy.
You should see this kid, man.
He looks like shit.
He's really been
through the ringer.
I think Cutter's gonna be
good for him.
Cutter?
Isn't that the crazy dude
who looks like Floyd Mayweather
after you add water?
he's just a strong flavor.
He's not crazy. He's...
He's not crazy?
He tried to sell me
a dead rat once
that he'd attached
to a key chain.
Said it would bring me
good luck in my love life.
♪ You've got a lot of nerve ♪
Who's playing that shit?
This is the third time this week
I've had to listen
to this fucking song.
Oh, it's not that bad.
"Sugar Days"?
It's not that bad?
It's 77 in my book.
Which book?
"All You Need is Love"...
and 500 other songs
to kill yourself to.
Google it.
I can't.
Glen next door changed
his wifi password again.
You're kidding me.
Nope.
What a paranoid asshole.
All right. Well,
we'll just crack it, you know?
It's... it's gonna be the name
of one of his ferrets.
Unfortunately,
he just got another ferret...
...so we're totally screwed.
from Gay Jim's place.
You know, I think it's coming
Gay Jim. Across the hall?
Who?
Gay Ji...
Oh. His name's Gayjum.
It's Pakistani.
He's... he's married to a woman.
always smiling at me?
Uh, really? Then why's he
I don't know. Maybe he's gay.
Yep?
Sounds like your Ford
needs a new serpentine belt.
What year is that thing?
I don't know. You know what?
I'll get it looked at tomorrow.
There's a Pep Boys across
the street from my office.
Tell you what.
I'll pick one up and swap it out
before tomorrow night's meeting.
me that I got your paperwork.
By the way, remind when you see
We want to make sure
you get credit
for all the meetings
you about to hit.
Wait, wait, wait.
You stole my paperwork?
It fell out of your pocket
when I grabbed your phone.
It's important.
No, no, no. I need that paper.
Damn right it is.
That's why it can't be
in the hands of a drunkard
who already lost it
at his very first meeting.
Call me
No, I need that paper...
if you need anything.
- No! No, no, no!!
- No, no, no!
♪ So tell me why you hangin'
around my door ♪
♪ You've got a lotta nerve ♪
♪ Thinking I would
take you back ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ I say,
you've got a lotta nerve ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ After hookin' up
with that skank ♪
No...
♪ I wanna see ya beg now ♪
♪ Want makes you think I'd ever
think about forgivin' your ass ♪
Hey. Uh...
Hey.
out here.
I thought I heard someone
Yeah.
Uh, I'm just...
making my nightly rounds...
uh, neighborhood watch.
You want some tea?
♪ You're such a pretty boy ♪
Uh, sure.
Okay!
♪ I know exactly
what you need ♪
♪ It's such a pity, boy ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ You won't be gettin' none
from me ♪
I see you got
some new vinyl.
record store over on Market.
Yeah, I went to that little
That's a good place.
Why do they have this shit?
Huh?
Uh, nothing.
I'm just checking out
your records.
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
Wilson Phillips...
♪ Who-o-ah ♪
..."Glee Season 2",
"Glee Season"... Eeah.
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
Oh, my God.
♪ Who-o-ah ♪
♪ You've got a lotta nerve ♪
the music?
Why'd you turn off
Loudermilk?
She went into Rhino Vinyl,
and this is
what she walked out with.
Well, maybe she bought them
ironically,
to give away as gag gifts.
you know, like,
No, no.
That's not ironic.
Okay? She was playing Sugar Days
fucking over and over again.
That's not ironic.
It explains why
she's with the doctor,
'cause t-they're fucking...
you know,
they're idiots
when it comes to music.
It's absolutely true!
That's not true.
Do y... Do you listen to
the music in a waiting room?
You can't do surgery
and also understand
the intricacies of good music.
parts of the brain.
It's not... It's different
It's not fucking possible.
Oh, really? Okay, well,
what about Dr. Dre, uh,
Dr. John,
Doctors Hall & Oates?
Look, anyway,
music is subjective, okay?
what's good or what's bad?
Who's to say
Uh, me.
Like, I literally wrote the book
on what's good and what's bad.
Uh, so she has
shitty taste in music.
So what?
It's not her fault.
honestly...
Most beautiful women do,
Their adorable ears
pick up sounds differently
than you or I,
so stop being an asshole
and bring her her stuff back.
How 'bout that?
No.
I can't go over there.
I got to process this.
We need a cooling-off period.
Hey! Loudermilk!
Why'd you take my music?
Hmm?
I'm still processing.
has my paperwork?
Your sponsor
Why the fuck
did you get a sponsor?
I don't know.
It j... It just happened.
I... But... Don't worry.
I'm gonna get it back from him
at the meeting tonight.
Yeah, just... just
get my paperwork back
and cut him loose, okay?
N... Oh, oh.
Hold on there, buddy.
I think I can kill two birds
with one stone here,
and you can get me
the rest of the signatures.
How is that killing two birds?
you and me.
You'll be helping
But going to your Sober Friends
meetings doesn't help me.
Sure, it does.
I'm gonna owe you big time.
You already owe me!
That is very true, but now
I'm going to owe you big time.
my mandate I'm gonna make it
to help you reach
the next level here.
You know this is illegal.
We can get in actual trouble
for this.
The crime has already
been committed, Tom-bomb.
of me showing you
Now it's just a matter
that you have
some follow-through.
Give us a minute here, Gary.
See, I knew I should've gotten
Gary to do this.
Oh, fuck Gary!
if I'm gonna do this Listen,
I'm gonna need more than just a
promise from you to help me out.
Okay.
Tell me what you're thinking.
I want to take point on
the Voluptuous Vodka account.
I want to be in that meeting
myself,
pitching my ideas.
face to face,
I want to show Reardon
what I can do.
Do we have a deal?
Okay.
Okay?
Yeah. O-Okay.
Deal.
Hey, man, I'm kind of
in the middle of something.
Can I call you right back?
- I'll make it quick.
right around the corner
There's a lunch meeting
from your office.
It's not my scene,
but I think you'd dig it.
By my office? Wai...
How do you know where I work?
You said you worked right across
the street from Pep Boys,
did a little detective work,
into your office right now.
and I'm walking
Uh, no, no.
Uh, stay right there.
Stay outside.
I'll be right there.
Hey.
Hey, pork-snout.
The meeting's just a couple
blocks away from here.
business-type people like you.
You're gonna love it...
How long is this meeting?
If you don't have time
for a meeting,
we can go up to your office and
start working the steps instead.
You can introduce me
to your office friends.
No, no.
Uh, let's do this right.
Good attitude.
Whoa. Hey, old-timer.
I see somebody got a new friend.
Yeah.
This is Lil' Pumpkin.
Well, hey there, Pumpkin.
Lil' Pumpkin.
No, it's Lil' Pumpkin.
Is that... Is that "Lil',"
L-I-L, or "Little" with the T's?
Is there an apostrophe in...
Hey.
Hey.
What happened to you last night?
Last night?
Oh! Yeah.
Yeah, last night.
That was, uh...
It was kind of embarrassing,
actually.
I-I had, uh,
some stomach issues.
The Big D.
Diarrhea.
Yeah, I knew
what the Big D meant,
but why'd you take my records
and my record player?
If you wanted to borrow some
music, you could've just asked.
W... No, I didn't... I didn't
want to borrow your music.
I'm confused.
I'm sorry.
I felt I had to
confiscate your music
to just try to understand
why one person would buy
so many crappy records.
What are you talking about?
Those are great records.
No, no, no.
is a great record, okay?
"Dark Side of the Moon"
"Fear Of A Black Planet,"
"Doolittle,"
"Houses Of The Holy"...
great records.
And what's wrong
with my records?
Just calling them records
is a little bit of a stretch.
So now you're bashing Prince?
Oh, really?
Oh, no. Love him.
I love him. Love Prince.
A ton of great albums...
none of which you own.
You bought "Come."
"Come" is the album
that he made intentionally bad
his Warners deal.
to get out of
You're a music snob.
No shit.
I was a critic.
That was my job, you know?
I mean, find me a critic
who's not a snob.
It just comes with
the territory of being right.
in that whole box, okay,
You have one decent album
and it was Pavement,
"Slanted & Enchanted."
Well,
Emerson, Lake & Palmer?
They're okay.
They're all right.
They're horrible in concert.
Horrible.
the triple live album.
You brought
Okay, I'm sorry,
but I'm not gonna apologize
for Emerson, Lake & Palmer.
Well, I think you just did.
Look, I'm not... I don't...
I'm not trying to be a dick
here, okay?
Loudermilk,
Okay, you don't have to try,
'cause it comes naturally.
Hey, what are you getting
so worked up about?
I...
We're just talking music.
You're the one
getting worked up!
records and my record player,
I mean, how dare you steal my
and then you tell me
my taste sucks.
I did like that Pavement album.
That's Carl's.
Of course it is.
Sorry...
can't smoke out here.
Relax, Deputy, it's an e-cig...
no smoke, just vapor.
That's a Marlboro Red.
E-cig.
Oh. I need to get
my paperwork back.
I need to get that signed.
Already took care of it,
my friend.
I'd feel better
if I could hold on to that.
It's my responsibility.
Take it easy.
It's in good hands.
You'll get it back
once we get all the signatures.
Hey, you cool flying solo?
I want to check out the ladies.
You know I'm kind of
into that girl-on-girl thing.
Oh.
You know
what I'm talking about, right?
Kind of.
Hey.
Hi.
I haven't seen you
at this meeting.
Are you new to the program?
Um, yeah...
kind of new.
but it gets easier.
It's tough at first,
You found a sponsor
that you like?
That I like? No.
My sponsor's mentally ill.
That's him right there...
smelling that woman's hair.
Yeah, it can be hard to tell
what you're gonna get
when you first pick 'em.
Oh, I didn't pick him.
He picked me.
Maybe you should find
someone else.
You know, it's crucial
to your recovery
to have a sponsor that you trust
and look up to.
Yeah.
Wait, really?
I can do that?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Um, just be honest with him.
Tell him that you...
It's not a good fit for you.
personally.
He won't take it
These old-timers don't.
You could have your sponsor
for years, you know?
It's...
It's got to feel right.
Right.
Thank you.
No problem.
So, want me to be your sponsor?
Oh, um...
no.
I'll come back tonight
and pick you up
for the meeting
at the Immaculate.
uh, Cutter, Ah, yeah, listen,
there's something
I need to tell you.
Did you have a slip?
No, I-I didn't have a slip.
Um...
I'm getting a different sponsor.
at the meeting today,
I-I met a guy
and we just really clicked.
You're a great guy, Cutter,
I just...
I think we're a better fit,
you know?
Um...
is this registering?
Yeah.
Uh, okay.
Okay.
Yeah, of course.
Just tears up my heart a little.
Oh. No.
I-I thought you weren't supposed
to take this personally.
I am a human being, Tom.
I'm not no fucking robot!
and I'm not ashamed of that.
I do have feelings and emotions,
Who is this guy?
It's not that fella I saw you
talking to by the bathroom,
because I got kind of
a weirdo vibe from him.
No.
No, it's not that guy.
were smelling that woman's hair.
I... I met this guy while you
What's his name?
Uh...
Donny.
How much clean time
does Donny have?
Should be two years minimum.
He just got
his 10-year chip.
Ooh. Wow.
Well, that's certainly
enough time.
I should probably hit the road,
get myself to a meeting
and go see my own sponsor.
Rejection's one of my triggers.
Uh... I-I'm sorry.
do what you got to do.
Yeah, uh,
I-I do need to get my paperwork
back from you.
All right, then.
If that's what you want.
Thank you.
Thank you, Cutter.
you've done for me.
I-I do appreciate everything
♪ Do you find
it gets a little easier ♪
♪ Each time
you make it disappear? ♪
♪ Oh, fools,
the magician bends the rules ♪
♪ As the cro... ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
I'm tryin', and I'll try ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
I'm tryin', and I'll try ♪
if you were Herr Barockter ♪
♪ Imagine,
♪ Alias and nobleman, son
of son of sky, and of scion ♪
♪ Part of his rich inheritance ♪
♪ Parceled and generous divorced
sentence forthwith being ♪
♪ Certain blocks of land
and living quarters ♪
and wives thereof ♪
♪ Deemed by all gentlemen
♪ To be grossly humane
and frankly, quiet undirty ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
I'm tryin', I'm tryin' ♪
♪ I'm tryin', I'm tryin',
and I'll try ♪
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII