Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - It's All About the Beans - full transcript
Do you know how wrong it is
to have a daughter
and simply choose not to speak
to her for eight years?
You think I wanted any of this
to happen?
Grow some balls and go down
there and see your little girl.
Hey.
I'm your father.
It doesn't change the fact
that you walked out
on your nine kids.
You had nine kids?
Seven.
The twins weren't born yet.
I wouldn't tell you.
What's eating at you?
Oh, okay.
Go throw with the guy.
What? Why?
Come on.
You'll get along great together.
Seems to me
like you've lost somebody...
you had feelings for.
somebody
You're good at what you do,
Loudermilk.
Mm.
Think she bought it?
Meatballs are ready.
You paid this little asshole
to talk to me.
Nah.
You tricked me again!
If it ain't broke...
I love that one, too.
It's called "Oil & Water."
'Cause that's a bag of oil
and that's a bag of water.
Neat.
There's an ironic sense
of whimsy
in all of Shoreline's work.
This one explores
the duality of conflict
that resides within
the human psyche.
when art does that?
Don't you love
Mm.
Unfortunately,
this piece has been purchased.
That is unfortunate...
for whoever bought it.
Honestly, I'd rather have
shit and piss on my wall.
Enough with the snark.
Come on, man.
You're ruining it for everyone.
No. I mean,
right over there.
"Shit and Piss."
For the dining room, no?
out of here.
Honey, let's get the fuck
All right, so, I told you guys
about my old band, right?
No.
You managed a band?
No, I was in a band.
Back in the '90s.
did you play?
What, uh, instrument
Drums.
Seriously, what instrument?
Really, I was the drummer.
extra-long sticks or something?
What did you need, like,
Hey, uh,
quit breaking his balls.
No, I'm not breaking his balls.
I would think that you'd need
extra-long sticks,
'cause of the T. rex thing.
standard sticks.
I just used regular, 18-inch,
What kind of music did you play?
Oh, real rock 'n' roll.
Back in '96,
we toured on a triple bill
with Dokken and Skid Row.
- We charted once.
- Wow.
- You guys had a hit?
- Mm-hmm.
- What was it called?
- "Boilerbreaker."
Well, isn't that Sauced Puppy?
Yeah.
You were in Sauced Puppy?
Yeah.
Wow!
You guys sucked.
No, no, no.
I liked that song.
♪ Boilerbreaker ♪
Oh, God.
♪ Boilerbreaker ♪
♪ Take it all in ♪
What's a boilerbreaker?
It's a modified boilermaker.
Our lead singer invented it.
You drop a double shot
of whiskey into a pint of beer.
So good.
So... so, tell us about
the groupies there, Roger.
You ever get one of them
double blowjobs?
You know, like,
two dicks, one mouth? Heh.
Oh, my God.
Check this out.
Okay. Can we let Roger
finish his share, please?
So, a couple of weeks ago,
our bass player called me,
and apparently, Sweeny's Ale
wants to use the band
in one of their commercials.
That's fucking awesome.
Well, back in the day,
it would've been awesome.
But where I am now in life,
I don't want to promote booze.
It's just beer.
Well, it's not just beer,
though.
Brother Jay's Whiskey, and now
'Cause Sweeny's bought out
they're making a drink that's
beer and whiskey combined.
Hey, Roger, why don't you just
let them use the song?
Who gives a fuck?
Guys, guys.
This is exactly the point
to make earlier, okay?
that I was trying
You all have to make decisions
that are gonna make you
feel good about yourself.
So you think I'm doing
the right thing
the 100 grand?
turning down
Absolutely...
How much?
100 grand.
Per guy.
For fucking "Boilerbreaker"?
Be straight with me.
Well, come on, man.
What should I do?
Look, whatever you think, okay?
If you think you should pass,
you should pass.
Maybe you could come with me,
to the guys in the band.
help me explain it
Fuck, no.
Why should I be the one
to tell them?
You're the one
screwing them over.
But you just said
it was the right thing to do.
but, you know,
Yeah, well, it probably is,
the thing about
doing the right thing
is it usually
pisses somebody off.
Come on, Loudermilk, please.
I really could use some help.
All right, let's, uh,
let's wrap this up, mm'kay?
Good meeting, everybody.
You wanted to see me?
Yeah.
Look, I like your daughter,
off my couch.
but you gotta get her
Why?
Is everything okay?
Did she relapse?
No, she's fine.
She's doing fine.
Well, if she's doing fine,
what's working.
then we should stick with
No need to rock the boat, right?
No, no.
We need to rock the boat
until she falls off the boat
and swims to a couch
on her own boat, okay?
but I got a life to get back to.
I was happy to help her out,
Not that I've seen.
What if I give you
a thank-you gift
to show my appreciation?
Could she stay a little longer?
Wait!
You're going to bribe him?
Stay out of this!
What'd you have in mind?
Well...
I could give you
my husband's car.
It's just collecting dust
in the garage anyway.
over $25.
He can't accept gifts
Says who?
You're just making shit up now.
You're a drug-and-alcohol
counselor.
Taking expensive gifts
from your group members
is unethical.
or from their families
It's the same for me
as a man of the cloth.
Bullshit!
Like you paid for this place?
And what about the pope?
He's got a...
custom-designed super Hummer.
What would you do with a car?
You don't even have a license.
He can sell it, for all I care.
I can sell it,
for all she cares.
Yeah, I'll take the car.
And Claire can continue
to stay with you?
Forgot there was a catch.
Yeah. For now.
I'll have someone
bring the vehicle by tomorrow.
Awesome.
Hey.
Hey!
What you watchin'?
It's, uh,
"White Zombie."
Yeah, it's like "Walking Dead,"
but really boring.
Sit down.
It's terrible.
Tempting, but I think I'm gonna
go try and get some Z's
before snore-a-saurus starts
rattling the I-beams.
Look, I know I snore,
but it's like
a sweet little ladylike snore.
It's like a silverback
fucking a badger
without its consent.
Okay, well, I slept
next to Wyatt for months,
and he didn't say a word.
He was on heroin.
a kidney stone.
He'd have slept through
Okay, well,
Ben hasn't said a word.
Well, I've always been
a super sleeper...
since I was a kid.
You're not a kid, so don't say
"super sleeper" again.
Oh, God.
I think you have
a medical condition, okay?
I think you need one of those
machines that helps you breathe,
like Darth Vader has.
A CPAP.
My dad had one.
I'm that bad?
Really?
Yeah, you stop breathing
for minutes.
It's like
David Blaine-level shit.
I don't know how
you don't have brain damage.
Maybe I do.
in the parking lot.
Hey, I saw my mom's car
What, was she checking up on me?
Well, you know,
I think, in her mind,
you're on your own now.
Well, what'd she say?
you're doing well,
Well, she's glad to hear
and she gave me
your father's car.
What?
Wait... Are you serious?
She gave you my dad's Escalade?
The car he died in?
What did you say?
my dad died in that car.
Yeah,
No, no, no.
The part... the part...
D-Did you say "Escalade"?
That's like a $90,000 truck.
Yeah, it's like $110,000
with all the features he added.
No. No, no.
a brand-new Escalade.
Your mom's not gonna give me
What other cars
did your dad have?
Uh, that's it.
I mean, she sold the Lincoln
a while back.
That's the only car.
Actually perfect for you.
practically drive themselves.
The new Escalades
It's like KITT
from "Knight Rider."
You won't even need a license.
Uh, yeah,
you will need a license.
I'm not gonna drive it.
Oh, I won't need a license.
Probably just sell it.
What?!
You're gonna profit
off the car my dad died in?
He died in it?
I just told you that
a minute ago!
No, you didn't.
What?! D... D...
Ben.
Uh... ah...
Pretty sure I would've
remembered you saying
something like that.
You gonna let me drive it
before you sell it?
if I get to ride shotgun.
Yeah,
Holy shit.
Um, I'm gonna try and get down
before the, you know,
lumber mill starts with the...
...lumber milling.
again.
You're out of toilet paper
Again?
It's like you're single-handedly
clear-cutting the rainforest
with your asshole.
Oh, fuck off.
Hey, how was my snoring
last night?
Worse.
Awful. Terrible.
Well, I guess you'll just
have to start sleeping
in your fancy new car.
Yeah, or you have to get
one of those CPAP things.
Um, I would,
but you need a prescription.
in boarding school,
And when I was
no one would room with me,
so I looked into it.
Oh! So you know
you have a problem.
Yeah, I do.
But... I don't know...
when I started doing coke,
I thought it went away.
Nope.
Didn't go away.
Okay. Well...
Look, I'd go to the doctor,
but I don't have insurance,
so...
Sorry.
Hey. Sorry to bother you,
but, uh,
I'm... fresh out of sugar.
Well, what do you need? Like,
a gram? An eight ball? Or...
Uh, is your
Dr. McDreamy here?
when he's on call.
No, he doesn't like to stay over
He hates waking me up.
Okay.
Chivalrous.
He seems like
an interesting guy.
I'd like to meet him.
the other night.
You met him
Well, for two seconds.
I'd like to get to know him,
though, you know?
Uh...
We should all grab a meal
sometime.
at Marty's.
I'm meeting him at lunch today
Do you want to join us?
Yeah. That'll work.
Okay.
Well, here you go.
Ah.
Better not be stepping
on this shit, huh?
like a dream.
This thing drives
It's pretty fucking sweet,
right?
Man.
Smell the leather.
I think this is
what Dubai smells like.
It's an impressive gift.
Yeah. You should check out
the bowling alley I got in back.
Seriously, the Blue Book value
on this thing is insane.
This is the place.
at a car wash?
We're meeting them
Yeah.
They work there.
What's up?
Billy.
Holy shit!
Roger-Dodger!
Is this your car?
No. No, it's his.
Hi.
It's my car.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, um, thanks for coming down
to talk this out face-to-face.
heated on the text thread.
I know things got a little
No problem.
Where's Maggie?
Uh, he's right over there.
Yo! Mags!
Hey.
Who's this fuck?
You lawyer up on us?
He's a friend.
No. This is Loudermilk.
Pleasure.
Hey.
All right, then.
Should we, uh,
talk business?
Yeah.
We're supposed to be working.
Not here.
Pull inside.
Oh. Okay.
Make sure it's in neutral.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Bring out the contract.
Show him where to sign.
I already told you guys.
I'm not gonna sign that.
I came here today as a courtesy
to you both to explain why.
D-Do you know what?
- Mags, what are you doing?
- Oh, Christ!
I'm getting this guy
to sign the fucking papers
one way or another.
Dude, relax, all right?
Nobody nee...
The fuck kinda gun is that?
You got a problem with it?!
Hey, look.
No. No, no.
I'm not here for a musket ball
to the head, all right?
I'm just supporting
my friend Roger.
This is just like Wichita
all over again.
You didn't shoot then,
and you're not gonna shoot now.
Don't tempt me, Roger.
My life is shit right now, and I
have nothing to lose, okay?
And I'm really sorry about that,
but I'm still not gonna sign.
Are we sure this is not gonna
scratch the finish? 'Cause...
your head's at here, Roger.
Help me understand where
I mean, what is wrong with us
making a little bit of money
off our art?
They want our song
to promote binge drinking
and having sex
with passed-out women.
Blacked-out women!
It's a big difference.
What is the difference?
What?
How are we gonna know
if they're blacked out, Roger?!
like everyone else!
They're walking and talking
Yeah!
Maggie.
Put the fucking gun down,
Just...
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Come on, Roger!
Please?!
back on my feet...
This commercial could get me
maybe open a little pizza joint.
The residuals alone will get me
off my cousin's couch.
You get residuals?
Fuck, yeah!
It'll double what we get paid.
each!
We could make 200 grand...
Roger.
That's a lot of money,
I know.
But it doesn't matter.
Dude, you're the real deal,
you know?
I mean, you may die broke,
but you're rich with integrity.
Shut the fuck up,
you fucking hypocrite!
Driving up in here with
your fancy fucking Esplanade,
telling Roger to turn down money
that he needs!
Roger...
Ow! Fuck.
Don't listen to this dick!
Listen to your friends.
You could have
your own Esplanade.
All right, first off, it's
a fucking Escalade, all right?
And I didn't do anything
for this. It was a gift.
Hey, you're the one
who's always going on
saying no gift comes
without strings attached...
except the gift
you give yourself.
I didn't say that. You saw that
on a cat calendar or something.
Nobody's perfect, Rog.
Come on.
Just... bend... a little.
Fuck it!
And so when I got the residency,
I asked Allie to move
to Seattle,
she said yes.
and, lucky for me,
And, lucky for me,
I was able to find a sublet
in your apartment building
on short notice.
Yeah, I wouldn't call anyone
lucky in that building.
It's like...
a big pile of asbestos
held together with lead paint.
So, what about work?
What'd they say?
Well, they weren't very happy,
but, luckily,
Sotheby's has offices
everywhere, so...
So it all worked out.
Yeah.
Aw.
So, how come you two don't
actually live together?
Oh, you know, um... my hours are
so unpredictable, so...
do live together.
Well, and... and we practically
It's just like he said...
with the crazy timing
and me and my new job.
It... it just...
Right.
Right. Right, right, right,
right, right.
So, hey, Dr. Carl...
uh...
I'm sure you hate it
when people ask you
for free medical advice,
but this isn't about me.
It's about
the dirty little drug fiend
who's sleeping on my couch.
what's the problem?
Okay, um...
She's got this, uh,
deviated-septum, sleep-apnea,
possible demon-living-in-
the-throat situation,
and the snoring is just...
it's nuts.
one of those CPAP machines.
I think she could really use
'Cause those work, right?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, but she should see
a doctor,
find out
what's causing the problem.
sitting right across from me.
Well, I got a doctor
Yeah, a sleep specialist.
Yeah, that's not a real thing.
Here. Listen.
This is her.
I made this recording
last night, okay? Listen.
erratically ]
[ Claire snoring loudly,
Wow.
Yeah?
Listen to this.
She quits breathing
for 2 minutes and 36 seconds.
it's closer to four minutes,
All right? Another time,
but I-I-I just didn't have
the phone handy to document it.
Well, I can see
why that would worry you.
Oh, I'm not worried. I just want
to get some sleep at night.
I need to use the ladies' room.
Yeah. Sure.
Look, I can't just grab you
a CPAP machine.
That's not how it works.
There are rules and regulations.
Come on, you gotta have, like,
a crappy old used one
right?
laying around somewhere,
Missing some knobs
or it's a little moldy.
Yeah?
I think that guy's choking.
Uh...
Dr. Carl!
Hey...
Fuck's sake.
Guhh!
Dude, you...
you gotta remember to chew.
What happened?
This guy just saved my life.
He was choking.
Oh, honey.
Not him.
Him.
What? Loudermilk?
Hey, how is that?
I almost ordered that.
It's...
...fine. Fine. Yeah.
No? All right.
Look, the guy had it
under control, okay?
He didn't need my help.
Nobody's saying otherwise.
judging me
Well, you're both sitting there
for not doing anything.
I can feel it.
Thing is, I was doing something.
I was assessing the situation,
waiting to see if I was needed.
-Really?
on his own.
-The guy was working it out
Yeah. Maybe.
Nope... definitely.
No... maybe.
By way of
"probably not."
The guy was fine.
Will you stop it?
How come his face
was turning blue?
It wasn't turning blue.
It was flush...
from coughing.
He didn't cough.
He grunted.
He couldn't cough.
Cough...
Grunt...
It's a big difference.
Right.
Look, guys, the guy is fine.
That's all that matters.
Yeah, why don't you stop trying
to be a hero, Loudermilk?
Hey, I'm not a hero.
I just did what anyone would do
in that situation.
Right, except me.
The only one in the room who
studied medicine for seven years
and knows exactly how to react
in that situation.
You fucking choked, okay?
Carl, come on. Just admit it.
He choked, and then you choked.
It's all right.
Nobody's perfect.
I work in an ER.
I don't choke.
in my veins.
I have ice water
Well, I'm sure you do...
in the safe confines
of the operating room,
where there's a whole bunch of
other doctors and nurses around
when something goes wrong.
Look... Okay.
consider here, Loudermilk, okay?
There's other factors to
Doctors have to be very cautious
when administering aid.
We can get sued.
Happens all the time.
O... kay.
Let's just drop it.
I didn't bring it up.
He did.
Hi. Excuse me. Hi.
Can I get the check?
No need for that. Your meal's
been comped by management.
It's the least we could do.
Oh.
Great.
That's very generous.
You get the tip.
It goes to 5,
but never turn a CPAP up to 5.
My dad did that once...
he blew up to twice his size.
It was awful.
He was floating around the room.
My mom woke up in the morning,
and she had to hit him with,
like, a needle to pop him,
and then at breakfast,
he farted for eight minutes.
Holy shit.
Is that what I think it is?
and Carl brought it over.
Yeah, it's a CPAP,
Pretty nice of the good doctor,
don't you think?
No, I think he just did it
'cause he felt guilty.
Uh, why? Because he's sleeping
with your imaginary girlfriend?
and some guy started choking.
No, we were having lunch,
Okay, and Dr. Carl
just sits there looking at him
like he's a turd on a log.
Wait...
so what happened?
Yeah, did the fucking guy die?
but only because
No, no, he didn't die,
I had to jump up
and save him, you know?
Like, I've got a doctor
sitting right across from me.
I've never even taken
the damn class, and here I am...
the Heimlich maneuver.
I get up and I'm giving him
So I guess he got Heimlock.
You just make that up?
Yeah, it's when you're gonna
give the Heimlich Maneuver,
but then you freeze up,
so it's Heimlock.
they can't all be slam dunks.
No? All right, well,
I'm starting to think Dr. Carl's
not even a real doctor.
Oh, what are you even
complaining for?
You got to look like a hero
in front of your lady friend
a CPAP machine.
and then we got
It's true.
I know.
That goes in your nose.
Do I look sexy?
If I'm an elephant.
Wait...
are you saying I'm fat?
Hey.
your ears.
No, he's talking about
I feel like
a fucking moron in this getup.
Andre Agassi.
No, y-you look like
You need anything?
Yeah, can you grab me a Coke?
I've got to drink something.
You got it.
Are you an idiot? How could you
not know about this?
How would I know?
They never had a video.
Jesus Christ.
How does he even play the drums?
With his feet, maybe?
I...
This is fucked up.
replace this guy ASAP.
We have to
He's a poster child
for fetal alcohol syndrome.
I mean,
what's our messaging here...
if you drink Sweeny's,
you become deformed?
Is that our messaging?
Okay, okay, okay.
What am I supposed to do?
Just get rid of him!
All right.
Hey.
Roger, come here.
Listen...
how bad do you want this thing?
What do you mean?
This commercial.
I don't want it at all.
But I can't let them down.
Why? He fucking
pulled a gun on you.
That's just Maggie.
Forget him. Just...
don't do it.
If you don't want to do it, man,
Period. End of story.
If it's not
what you're all about...
I mean, I get it...
it's a big paycheck.
I get that, okay?
somebody handed me,
I got an Escalade
and I probably
shouldn't keep that.
I definitely
shouldn't keep that.
'Cause it makes me a sellout.
Understand?
Do I want to be a sellout
for an awesome, tricked-out,
luxury SUV?
Hey, Rog? Can I get a word
with you, please?
Not now. We're gonna do
a quick sound check.
Just the first verse.
Let's go!
Sound check, everybody!
Sound check!
One, two, three, four!
♪ Boilerbreaker, boilerbreaker ♪
♪ Take it all in ♪
♪ It's only time
till you make her ♪
♪ Body's built for sin ♪
Owwwww!
Are you fucking shitting me?
This guy's incredible!
This shit could go viral.
Yeah!
Boom!
Yeah!
Oh, that was some wicked shit,
my man!
Let's get out of here.
Yeah?
To take the car
for one last high-speed drive
before you give it back.
Did I say I was giving it back?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rog!
Where you going?
Sorry, guys.
- I'm done.
- What?
He's not doing your commercial.
He's out.
Hey, we have a contract!
Fuck you!
Hey. What's this
still doing here?
I thought you said
you were gonna give it back.
I did give it back.
Boys.
Are you fucking kidding me?
She gave this to you?
Yep.
you don't take expensive gifts?
What about all that shit about
Well, you remember
your pope/Hummer argument?
Well, it carried
a lot of weight with me.
I was told I could find
a Sam Loudermilk here?
Yeah, that's me.
It starts in 10 minutes.
Meeting's in there.
I'm not here for a meeting.
- You're being sued.
- For what?
For breaking my client's ribs
while recklessly administering
when it wasn't needed.
the Heimlich maneuver
Motherfucker.
You know, if you hadn't taken
that, you couldn't get sued.
Shut the fuck up.
I'm just trying to help.
♪ You're not alone ♪
♪ We're in the same boat ♪
♪ We're skipping town ♪
to the sound ♪
♪ We'll keep on sailing
dancing on the waves ♪
♪ Of the wind
♪ Ohh, the sound ♪
dancing on the waves ♪
♪ Of the wind
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII
to have a daughter
and simply choose not to speak
to her for eight years?
You think I wanted any of this
to happen?
Grow some balls and go down
there and see your little girl.
Hey.
I'm your father.
It doesn't change the fact
that you walked out
on your nine kids.
You had nine kids?
Seven.
The twins weren't born yet.
I wouldn't tell you.
What's eating at you?
Oh, okay.
Go throw with the guy.
What? Why?
Come on.
You'll get along great together.
Seems to me
like you've lost somebody...
you had feelings for.
somebody
You're good at what you do,
Loudermilk.
Mm.
Think she bought it?
Meatballs are ready.
You paid this little asshole
to talk to me.
Nah.
You tricked me again!
If it ain't broke...
I love that one, too.
It's called "Oil & Water."
'Cause that's a bag of oil
and that's a bag of water.
Neat.
There's an ironic sense
of whimsy
in all of Shoreline's work.
This one explores
the duality of conflict
that resides within
the human psyche.
when art does that?
Don't you love
Mm.
Unfortunately,
this piece has been purchased.
That is unfortunate...
for whoever bought it.
Honestly, I'd rather have
shit and piss on my wall.
Enough with the snark.
Come on, man.
You're ruining it for everyone.
No. I mean,
right over there.
"Shit and Piss."
For the dining room, no?
out of here.
Honey, let's get the fuck
All right, so, I told you guys
about my old band, right?
No.
You managed a band?
No, I was in a band.
Back in the '90s.
did you play?
What, uh, instrument
Drums.
Seriously, what instrument?
Really, I was the drummer.
extra-long sticks or something?
What did you need, like,
Hey, uh,
quit breaking his balls.
No, I'm not breaking his balls.
I would think that you'd need
extra-long sticks,
'cause of the T. rex thing.
standard sticks.
I just used regular, 18-inch,
What kind of music did you play?
Oh, real rock 'n' roll.
Back in '96,
we toured on a triple bill
with Dokken and Skid Row.
- We charted once.
- Wow.
- You guys had a hit?
- Mm-hmm.
- What was it called?
- "Boilerbreaker."
Well, isn't that Sauced Puppy?
Yeah.
You were in Sauced Puppy?
Yeah.
Wow!
You guys sucked.
No, no, no.
I liked that song.
♪ Boilerbreaker ♪
Oh, God.
♪ Boilerbreaker ♪
♪ Take it all in ♪
What's a boilerbreaker?
It's a modified boilermaker.
Our lead singer invented it.
You drop a double shot
of whiskey into a pint of beer.
So good.
So... so, tell us about
the groupies there, Roger.
You ever get one of them
double blowjobs?
You know, like,
two dicks, one mouth? Heh.
Oh, my God.
Check this out.
Okay. Can we let Roger
finish his share, please?
So, a couple of weeks ago,
our bass player called me,
and apparently, Sweeny's Ale
wants to use the band
in one of their commercials.
That's fucking awesome.
Well, back in the day,
it would've been awesome.
But where I am now in life,
I don't want to promote booze.
It's just beer.
Well, it's not just beer,
though.
Brother Jay's Whiskey, and now
'Cause Sweeny's bought out
they're making a drink that's
beer and whiskey combined.
Hey, Roger, why don't you just
let them use the song?
Who gives a fuck?
Guys, guys.
This is exactly the point
to make earlier, okay?
that I was trying
You all have to make decisions
that are gonna make you
feel good about yourself.
So you think I'm doing
the right thing
the 100 grand?
turning down
Absolutely...
How much?
100 grand.
Per guy.
For fucking "Boilerbreaker"?
Be straight with me.
Well, come on, man.
What should I do?
Look, whatever you think, okay?
If you think you should pass,
you should pass.
Maybe you could come with me,
to the guys in the band.
help me explain it
Fuck, no.
Why should I be the one
to tell them?
You're the one
screwing them over.
But you just said
it was the right thing to do.
but, you know,
Yeah, well, it probably is,
the thing about
doing the right thing
is it usually
pisses somebody off.
Come on, Loudermilk, please.
I really could use some help.
All right, let's, uh,
let's wrap this up, mm'kay?
Good meeting, everybody.
You wanted to see me?
Yeah.
Look, I like your daughter,
off my couch.
but you gotta get her
Why?
Is everything okay?
Did she relapse?
No, she's fine.
She's doing fine.
Well, if she's doing fine,
what's working.
then we should stick with
No need to rock the boat, right?
No, no.
We need to rock the boat
until she falls off the boat
and swims to a couch
on her own boat, okay?
but I got a life to get back to.
I was happy to help her out,
Not that I've seen.
What if I give you
a thank-you gift
to show my appreciation?
Could she stay a little longer?
Wait!
You're going to bribe him?
Stay out of this!
What'd you have in mind?
Well...
I could give you
my husband's car.
It's just collecting dust
in the garage anyway.
over $25.
He can't accept gifts
Says who?
You're just making shit up now.
You're a drug-and-alcohol
counselor.
Taking expensive gifts
from your group members
is unethical.
or from their families
It's the same for me
as a man of the cloth.
Bullshit!
Like you paid for this place?
And what about the pope?
He's got a...
custom-designed super Hummer.
What would you do with a car?
You don't even have a license.
He can sell it, for all I care.
I can sell it,
for all she cares.
Yeah, I'll take the car.
And Claire can continue
to stay with you?
Forgot there was a catch.
Yeah. For now.
I'll have someone
bring the vehicle by tomorrow.
Awesome.
Hey.
Hey!
What you watchin'?
It's, uh,
"White Zombie."
Yeah, it's like "Walking Dead,"
but really boring.
Sit down.
It's terrible.
Tempting, but I think I'm gonna
go try and get some Z's
before snore-a-saurus starts
rattling the I-beams.
Look, I know I snore,
but it's like
a sweet little ladylike snore.
It's like a silverback
fucking a badger
without its consent.
Okay, well, I slept
next to Wyatt for months,
and he didn't say a word.
He was on heroin.
a kidney stone.
He'd have slept through
Okay, well,
Ben hasn't said a word.
Well, I've always been
a super sleeper...
since I was a kid.
You're not a kid, so don't say
"super sleeper" again.
Oh, God.
I think you have
a medical condition, okay?
I think you need one of those
machines that helps you breathe,
like Darth Vader has.
A CPAP.
My dad had one.
I'm that bad?
Really?
Yeah, you stop breathing
for minutes.
It's like
David Blaine-level shit.
I don't know how
you don't have brain damage.
Maybe I do.
in the parking lot.
Hey, I saw my mom's car
What, was she checking up on me?
Well, you know,
I think, in her mind,
you're on your own now.
Well, what'd she say?
you're doing well,
Well, she's glad to hear
and she gave me
your father's car.
What?
Wait... Are you serious?
She gave you my dad's Escalade?
The car he died in?
What did you say?
my dad died in that car.
Yeah,
No, no, no.
The part... the part...
D-Did you say "Escalade"?
That's like a $90,000 truck.
Yeah, it's like $110,000
with all the features he added.
No. No, no.
a brand-new Escalade.
Your mom's not gonna give me
What other cars
did your dad have?
Uh, that's it.
I mean, she sold the Lincoln
a while back.
That's the only car.
Actually perfect for you.
practically drive themselves.
The new Escalades
It's like KITT
from "Knight Rider."
You won't even need a license.
Uh, yeah,
you will need a license.
I'm not gonna drive it.
Oh, I won't need a license.
Probably just sell it.
What?!
You're gonna profit
off the car my dad died in?
He died in it?
I just told you that
a minute ago!
No, you didn't.
What?! D... D...
Ben.
Uh... ah...
Pretty sure I would've
remembered you saying
something like that.
You gonna let me drive it
before you sell it?
if I get to ride shotgun.
Yeah,
Holy shit.
Um, I'm gonna try and get down
before the, you know,
lumber mill starts with the...
...lumber milling.
again.
You're out of toilet paper
Again?
It's like you're single-handedly
clear-cutting the rainforest
with your asshole.
Oh, fuck off.
Hey, how was my snoring
last night?
Worse.
Awful. Terrible.
Well, I guess you'll just
have to start sleeping
in your fancy new car.
Yeah, or you have to get
one of those CPAP things.
Um, I would,
but you need a prescription.
in boarding school,
And when I was
no one would room with me,
so I looked into it.
Oh! So you know
you have a problem.
Yeah, I do.
But... I don't know...
when I started doing coke,
I thought it went away.
Nope.
Didn't go away.
Okay. Well...
Look, I'd go to the doctor,
but I don't have insurance,
so...
Sorry.
Hey. Sorry to bother you,
but, uh,
I'm... fresh out of sugar.
Well, what do you need? Like,
a gram? An eight ball? Or...
Uh, is your
Dr. McDreamy here?
when he's on call.
No, he doesn't like to stay over
He hates waking me up.
Okay.
Chivalrous.
He seems like
an interesting guy.
I'd like to meet him.
the other night.
You met him
Well, for two seconds.
I'd like to get to know him,
though, you know?
Uh...
We should all grab a meal
sometime.
at Marty's.
I'm meeting him at lunch today
Do you want to join us?
Yeah. That'll work.
Okay.
Well, here you go.
Ah.
Better not be stepping
on this shit, huh?
like a dream.
This thing drives
It's pretty fucking sweet,
right?
Man.
Smell the leather.
I think this is
what Dubai smells like.
It's an impressive gift.
Yeah. You should check out
the bowling alley I got in back.
Seriously, the Blue Book value
on this thing is insane.
This is the place.
at a car wash?
We're meeting them
Yeah.
They work there.
What's up?
Billy.
Holy shit!
Roger-Dodger!
Is this your car?
No. No, it's his.
Hi.
It's my car.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, um, thanks for coming down
to talk this out face-to-face.
heated on the text thread.
I know things got a little
No problem.
Where's Maggie?
Uh, he's right over there.
Yo! Mags!
Hey.
Who's this fuck?
You lawyer up on us?
He's a friend.
No. This is Loudermilk.
Pleasure.
Hey.
All right, then.
Should we, uh,
talk business?
Yeah.
We're supposed to be working.
Not here.
Pull inside.
Oh. Okay.
Make sure it's in neutral.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Bring out the contract.
Show him where to sign.
I already told you guys.
I'm not gonna sign that.
I came here today as a courtesy
to you both to explain why.
D-Do you know what?
- Mags, what are you doing?
- Oh, Christ!
I'm getting this guy
to sign the fucking papers
one way or another.
Dude, relax, all right?
Nobody nee...
The fuck kinda gun is that?
You got a problem with it?!
Hey, look.
No. No, no.
I'm not here for a musket ball
to the head, all right?
I'm just supporting
my friend Roger.
This is just like Wichita
all over again.
You didn't shoot then,
and you're not gonna shoot now.
Don't tempt me, Roger.
My life is shit right now, and I
have nothing to lose, okay?
And I'm really sorry about that,
but I'm still not gonna sign.
Are we sure this is not gonna
scratch the finish? 'Cause...
your head's at here, Roger.
Help me understand where
I mean, what is wrong with us
making a little bit of money
off our art?
They want our song
to promote binge drinking
and having sex
with passed-out women.
Blacked-out women!
It's a big difference.
What is the difference?
What?
How are we gonna know
if they're blacked out, Roger?!
like everyone else!
They're walking and talking
Yeah!
Maggie.
Put the fucking gun down,
Just...
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Come on, Roger!
Please?!
back on my feet...
This commercial could get me
maybe open a little pizza joint.
The residuals alone will get me
off my cousin's couch.
You get residuals?
Fuck, yeah!
It'll double what we get paid.
each!
We could make 200 grand...
Roger.
That's a lot of money,
I know.
But it doesn't matter.
Dude, you're the real deal,
you know?
I mean, you may die broke,
but you're rich with integrity.
Shut the fuck up,
you fucking hypocrite!
Driving up in here with
your fancy fucking Esplanade,
telling Roger to turn down money
that he needs!
Roger...
Ow! Fuck.
Don't listen to this dick!
Listen to your friends.
You could have
your own Esplanade.
All right, first off, it's
a fucking Escalade, all right?
And I didn't do anything
for this. It was a gift.
Hey, you're the one
who's always going on
saying no gift comes
without strings attached...
except the gift
you give yourself.
I didn't say that. You saw that
on a cat calendar or something.
Nobody's perfect, Rog.
Come on.
Just... bend... a little.
Fuck it!
And so when I got the residency,
I asked Allie to move
to Seattle,
she said yes.
and, lucky for me,
And, lucky for me,
I was able to find a sublet
in your apartment building
on short notice.
Yeah, I wouldn't call anyone
lucky in that building.
It's like...
a big pile of asbestos
held together with lead paint.
So, what about work?
What'd they say?
Well, they weren't very happy,
but, luckily,
Sotheby's has offices
everywhere, so...
So it all worked out.
Yeah.
Aw.
So, how come you two don't
actually live together?
Oh, you know, um... my hours are
so unpredictable, so...
do live together.
Well, and... and we practically
It's just like he said...
with the crazy timing
and me and my new job.
It... it just...
Right.
Right. Right, right, right,
right, right.
So, hey, Dr. Carl...
uh...
I'm sure you hate it
when people ask you
for free medical advice,
but this isn't about me.
It's about
the dirty little drug fiend
who's sleeping on my couch.
what's the problem?
Okay, um...
She's got this, uh,
deviated-septum, sleep-apnea,
possible demon-living-in-
the-throat situation,
and the snoring is just...
it's nuts.
one of those CPAP machines.
I think she could really use
'Cause those work, right?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, but she should see
a doctor,
find out
what's causing the problem.
sitting right across from me.
Well, I got a doctor
Yeah, a sleep specialist.
Yeah, that's not a real thing.
Here. Listen.
This is her.
I made this recording
last night, okay? Listen.
erratically ]
[ Claire snoring loudly,
Wow.
Yeah?
Listen to this.
She quits breathing
for 2 minutes and 36 seconds.
it's closer to four minutes,
All right? Another time,
but I-I-I just didn't have
the phone handy to document it.
Well, I can see
why that would worry you.
Oh, I'm not worried. I just want
to get some sleep at night.
I need to use the ladies' room.
Yeah. Sure.
Look, I can't just grab you
a CPAP machine.
That's not how it works.
There are rules and regulations.
Come on, you gotta have, like,
a crappy old used one
right?
laying around somewhere,
Missing some knobs
or it's a little moldy.
Yeah?
I think that guy's choking.
Uh...
Dr. Carl!
Hey...
Fuck's sake.
Guhh!
Dude, you...
you gotta remember to chew.
What happened?
This guy just saved my life.
He was choking.
Oh, honey.
Not him.
Him.
What? Loudermilk?
Hey, how is that?
I almost ordered that.
It's...
...fine. Fine. Yeah.
No? All right.
Look, the guy had it
under control, okay?
He didn't need my help.
Nobody's saying otherwise.
judging me
Well, you're both sitting there
for not doing anything.
I can feel it.
Thing is, I was doing something.
I was assessing the situation,
waiting to see if I was needed.
-Really?
on his own.
-The guy was working it out
Yeah. Maybe.
Nope... definitely.
No... maybe.
By way of
"probably not."
The guy was fine.
Will you stop it?
How come his face
was turning blue?
It wasn't turning blue.
It was flush...
from coughing.
He didn't cough.
He grunted.
He couldn't cough.
Cough...
Grunt...
It's a big difference.
Right.
Look, guys, the guy is fine.
That's all that matters.
Yeah, why don't you stop trying
to be a hero, Loudermilk?
Hey, I'm not a hero.
I just did what anyone would do
in that situation.
Right, except me.
The only one in the room who
studied medicine for seven years
and knows exactly how to react
in that situation.
You fucking choked, okay?
Carl, come on. Just admit it.
He choked, and then you choked.
It's all right.
Nobody's perfect.
I work in an ER.
I don't choke.
in my veins.
I have ice water
Well, I'm sure you do...
in the safe confines
of the operating room,
where there's a whole bunch of
other doctors and nurses around
when something goes wrong.
Look... Okay.
consider here, Loudermilk, okay?
There's other factors to
Doctors have to be very cautious
when administering aid.
We can get sued.
Happens all the time.
O... kay.
Let's just drop it.
I didn't bring it up.
He did.
Hi. Excuse me. Hi.
Can I get the check?
No need for that. Your meal's
been comped by management.
It's the least we could do.
Oh.
Great.
That's very generous.
You get the tip.
It goes to 5,
but never turn a CPAP up to 5.
My dad did that once...
he blew up to twice his size.
It was awful.
He was floating around the room.
My mom woke up in the morning,
and she had to hit him with,
like, a needle to pop him,
and then at breakfast,
he farted for eight minutes.
Holy shit.
Is that what I think it is?
and Carl brought it over.
Yeah, it's a CPAP,
Pretty nice of the good doctor,
don't you think?
No, I think he just did it
'cause he felt guilty.
Uh, why? Because he's sleeping
with your imaginary girlfriend?
and some guy started choking.
No, we were having lunch,
Okay, and Dr. Carl
just sits there looking at him
like he's a turd on a log.
Wait...
so what happened?
Yeah, did the fucking guy die?
but only because
No, no, he didn't die,
I had to jump up
and save him, you know?
Like, I've got a doctor
sitting right across from me.
I've never even taken
the damn class, and here I am...
the Heimlich maneuver.
I get up and I'm giving him
So I guess he got Heimlock.
You just make that up?
Yeah, it's when you're gonna
give the Heimlich Maneuver,
but then you freeze up,
so it's Heimlock.
they can't all be slam dunks.
No? All right, well,
I'm starting to think Dr. Carl's
not even a real doctor.
Oh, what are you even
complaining for?
You got to look like a hero
in front of your lady friend
a CPAP machine.
and then we got
It's true.
I know.
That goes in your nose.
Do I look sexy?
If I'm an elephant.
Wait...
are you saying I'm fat?
Hey.
your ears.
No, he's talking about
I feel like
a fucking moron in this getup.
Andre Agassi.
No, y-you look like
You need anything?
Yeah, can you grab me a Coke?
I've got to drink something.
You got it.
Are you an idiot? How could you
not know about this?
How would I know?
They never had a video.
Jesus Christ.
How does he even play the drums?
With his feet, maybe?
I...
This is fucked up.
replace this guy ASAP.
We have to
He's a poster child
for fetal alcohol syndrome.
I mean,
what's our messaging here...
if you drink Sweeny's,
you become deformed?
Is that our messaging?
Okay, okay, okay.
What am I supposed to do?
Just get rid of him!
All right.
Hey.
Roger, come here.
Listen...
how bad do you want this thing?
What do you mean?
This commercial.
I don't want it at all.
But I can't let them down.
Why? He fucking
pulled a gun on you.
That's just Maggie.
Forget him. Just...
don't do it.
If you don't want to do it, man,
Period. End of story.
If it's not
what you're all about...
I mean, I get it...
it's a big paycheck.
I get that, okay?
somebody handed me,
I got an Escalade
and I probably
shouldn't keep that.
I definitely
shouldn't keep that.
'Cause it makes me a sellout.
Understand?
Do I want to be a sellout
for an awesome, tricked-out,
luxury SUV?
Hey, Rog? Can I get a word
with you, please?
Not now. We're gonna do
a quick sound check.
Just the first verse.
Let's go!
Sound check, everybody!
Sound check!
One, two, three, four!
♪ Boilerbreaker, boilerbreaker ♪
♪ Take it all in ♪
♪ It's only time
till you make her ♪
♪ Body's built for sin ♪
Owwwww!
Are you fucking shitting me?
This guy's incredible!
This shit could go viral.
Yeah!
Boom!
Yeah!
Oh, that was some wicked shit,
my man!
Let's get out of here.
Yeah?
To take the car
for one last high-speed drive
before you give it back.
Did I say I was giving it back?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rog!
Where you going?
Sorry, guys.
- I'm done.
- What?
He's not doing your commercial.
He's out.
Hey, we have a contract!
Fuck you!
Hey. What's this
still doing here?
I thought you said
you were gonna give it back.
I did give it back.
Boys.
Are you fucking kidding me?
She gave this to you?
Yep.
you don't take expensive gifts?
What about all that shit about
Well, you remember
your pope/Hummer argument?
Well, it carried
a lot of weight with me.
I was told I could find
a Sam Loudermilk here?
Yeah, that's me.
It starts in 10 minutes.
Meeting's in there.
I'm not here for a meeting.
- You're being sued.
- For what?
For breaking my client's ribs
while recklessly administering
when it wasn't needed.
the Heimlich maneuver
Motherfucker.
You know, if you hadn't taken
that, you couldn't get sued.
Shut the fuck up.
I'm just trying to help.
♪ You're not alone ♪
♪ We're in the same boat ♪
♪ We're skipping town ♪
to the sound ♪
♪ We'll keep on sailing
dancing on the waves ♪
♪ Of the wind
♪ Ohh, the sound ♪
dancing on the waves ♪
♪ Of the wind
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII