Looney Tunes Cartoons (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Case of Porky's Pants/Fully Vetted - full transcript

[theme music playing]

[chomps]

It's curtains for you pal,
curtains!

Huh?

[slurps] Oh, boy,
I just [exaggerates] love...
detective shows!

Curtains, huh?

Well I got a heater
with your name on it!

[dramatically]
Huh... huh... [screams]

So, Merry Christmas, Harry.

You too Skip. You too.

Phew, I knew
he was gonna be fine.



[Skip on tv] Now scram
outta here
before I plug ya.

[gasps] Watch out, Harry!

He's gonna plug ya! [sobs]

Mother--

[Daffy] There I was
mindin' my own beeswax

when he walked in.

A real oinker.
Curly tail and all.

[nervously] Oh, please.

You... you gotta help me,
d... detective duck!

[stuttering] Someone stole
my pa... pants.

Trousers! I'm buck naked!

Huh?

[Daffy whistles]

[sotto voice]
Nice getaway sticks!



I'll take the case!

Oh... thank you!

Sure thing, buster!

We're gonna start with
the best lead we got.

You!

Huh?

What's your inseam?

I don't remember!

Are you allergic
to cotton blends?

Now I want you to give me
the straight poop, chubby.

When's the last time
you saw your pants?

Oh, I... uh, can't remember.

But... but this
was in my mailbox
this morning.

Gimme that.

"Dearest Porky,

The thought of your caress

-thrills me to my very soul."
-[chuckles uncomfortably]

Uh, wrong letter.

Here you are.

Hey, it was just gettin' good.

[Daffy reading]
"If you ever want to see

your sausage casings again,

leave ten thousand big ones

at the corner of
Button and Zipper."

[stutters] Ten...
Ten thousand dollars?

Where... where am I gonna get
that kind of dough?

Why, from the piggy bank,
of course.

Uh... Oh, no.

-[whimpering]
-[screaming]

Daffy no. Please.

[softly] Be gentle

[whimpers]

But... but Daffy,
I was saving that for college.

[cackling]

College! [laughs maniacally]

College? That's rich!

[laughs uncontrollably]
College!

What's so...
[stutters] funny?

Only idiots go to college.

Now we give it
the old eagle eye.

[eagle screeching]

[both gasp]

Uh... You gonna reel him in?

Good idea.

[grunts]

Almost got that
pants-pilfering punk!

Almost got 'im!

Ooh!

[excitedly]
Quick, get the net!

We'll be eatin' catfish
for a week!

[grunting]

Get it together!

-He's escaping!
-Huh!

After him!

[screams] No!

Ahhh!

Phew!

Whoo-hoo

[yelps]

Oh, my gosh, what have I done?

[dramatically]
Porky, speak to me!

[breathlessly]
Go on... without me...

[softly] No... No!
I'll never leave ya.

[running footsteps]

Oh, there he goes.

[grunts]

Porky's pants!

Stop, fiend!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

[Daffy] The jig is up,
sweet pants.

End of the line.

[whistles]

Huh?

The Lethal Lederhosen?

Yeesh.

Billy Bootcut?

Cargo-shorts Killer?

The Skinny-jean Skinner?

[gulps]

[grunts and groans]

[grunts, groans then gnawing]

[grunts and groans]

Ooh...

[choking and coughing]

-[Porky pig] Daffy!
-[choking and coughing]

-[Porky pig] Daffy!
-[choking and coughing]

-D... Daffy!
-[choking and coughing]

What's going on?

And... where'd you get
all those pants?

You mean they're not yours?

Of course, not.
I've never worn p... pants.

Well, if they're
not your pants,

then whose pants are they?

[theme music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[chirping]

Oh, finally!
[licks lips]

My first meal in a week.

[groaning] Filling,
but not very satisfying.

Granny: Well, here we are.

We made it
to the veterinarian,

my precious
Tweety Bird.

[evil laugh]

Don't worry, Tweety.

It's just a check-up.

And if they find
anything wrong,

they'll fix you up
real good.

[kisses]

Sounds good, Granny.
I'll be bwave.

Ta ta, Tweety.

The race track's a calling.

[telephone ringing]

[receptionist] Doctor's office.

Oh, hi...

Yes, we have you down
for next Thursday.

All right, little birdy.
Come on out.

-The doctor will be in
in a few moments.
-[door shuts]

I'm in a weal doctor's office.

Ooh! An eye chart.

Better test out
dee old peepers.

[straining] E...

F-P-T-O...

Hey, I'm doing pretty good.

Z-L... Puddy tat... D...

[gasps]

I tawt a taw a puddy tat.

I did! I did taw a puddy tat!

I love hospital food.

[laughs]

[coughs]

[doctor] Oh, my gosh!
We have a sick animal!

Hey there, little kitty.

[doctors] Grab 'em!

[yowling]

[doctor] We need to check
this sick cat out.

Give 'im the works.

-Hey!
-[doctor] Get his temperature!

-[groans]
-This may be a little cold.

[shivering]

[inflating]

[screaming] Ow!

[groaning]

Oh, this doesn't look good.

Hand me the clamp.

-Retractor.
-Tongue depressor.

[chainsaw revving]

[screaming]

[beeping]

[doctor] We've got to
do something!

I'll turn it way up
so puddy can get
better extra fast.

-[crackling]
-[doctor] Clear!

[screams]

[coughing]

This magazine would be
a wot more interesting
if I could wead...

The doctor is in!

Oh goody, goody.
The doctor is here!

Well, looks like you have
great health insurance,

so you get lots of choices.

For instance,
kaiser or onion roll?

Ooh, uh...
Onion, please.

Excellent choice.

Please. Get on.

It exfoliates the feathers.

You're the doctor.

Now, do you want
mustard or mayo?

May I have mayo, pwease?

You mayo.

Ooh, I'm weally on a woll!

And one always needs
one's vegetables.

Well, here we are.

Unfortunately you have
the preexisting condition
of being delicious.

-So...
-[nurse] Doctor!

Doctor! I've been looking
all over for you!

You have an emergency!

[stuttering] But, but... I...

Hurry, doctor!

I'm going. I'm going.
Quit pushing

You have to help this dog.

[growling]

Sufferin' succotash!

-[growling]
-[yowling]

[screaming]

[snarls]

Ooh, he mad.

And you're lunch!

Whoa...

[object clatters]

["Here Comes the Bride"
instrumental plays]

Here comes the bride!

Congratulations.

[gulps]

Geez... That was close.

[growling]

[snarls]

-[barking]
-[yowling]

Aw, what's da matter,
puddy tat?

You don't like
your new playmate?

Uh-oh. Here he comes.

He's very persistent.

Time to abandon ship.

[groaning] Ow...

Hello, mother.

[objects clatter]

-[screams] Whoa...
-[roars]

[doctor] Ah, good!
The patient's here.

Nurse, hand me
the scalpel, please.

-[nurse] Yes, doctor.
-[scalpel slashes]

[clock ticking]

Oh, dere you are, puddy tat!

Did they fix you up real good?

[falsetto] Yeah,
they fixed me all right.

[horn blares]

[closing theme music playing]