Living Single (1993–1998): Season 4, Episode 9 - Do You Take This Man's Wallet? - full transcript
Mmm.
‐ Hey, babe. ‐ Hey, Obie.
Hey, Mr. Kellum.
Oh, why the long
faces. The Knicks won.
Yeah, but when I pulled
out a stogie to celebrate
I noticed my wallet was gone.
Eight bucks down the crapper.
Yo, I bet it was
that Bulls' fan.
The one with the high heels
and that Rodman wig on.
‐ Hm. ‐ What a world?
I can invent a diaper
that can soak up
a whole cup of blue liquid
but they can't protect
your valuables.
‐ Oh! ‐ Um.
You know, if you put a
electrode in your wallet
you could link it to a
sound chip in your pocket.
Yeah.
You mean like those
cards when you open up
they play "Jingle Bells?"
Yeah, if you rig it...
with something, uh‐uh
that would tell you if
someone's touching your wallet.
Then it plays it
catchy Yuletide tune
and you follow the
sound to the thief
and beat the
eggnog up out of him.
Hey, I bet we could
sell a million of them.
Well, you know I got
everything we need to build one.
‐ Right upstairs. ‐ Yeah?
‐ Ooh. Let's do this. ‐ He‐he.
I love when he says that.
Ooh! This is so exciting.
It's like Newton and Galileo
go off to invent gravity.
Thanks for the compliment, doll
but no one actually
invented gravity.
Well, when you
consider the word "Invent"
it's from the Latin,
"Invenire" meaning "To find."
Technically, I think I'm right.
My baby reads.
♪ We are living hey hey hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Oh in a 90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Keep your head up what? ♪
♪ Keep your head
up that's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Haaa ♪
'And later in the program'
'Coolio introduces his new
line of haircare products..'
Oh! Hollywood's hottest dirt.
That's journalism at its best.
Oh, wait a minute. Shh. They're
talking about my soap opera.
'...cancellation had been
flying fast and furious '
'since this morning and late
today the axe came down'
'on the formally number
one day‐time drama.'
'Sources said "Palo
Alto" has been cancelled.'
‐ Oh. ‐ Um.
Oh, woo‐boo.
Uh, does this mean
you're out of a job?
No, no, Synclaire, I mean, if
the show had been cancelled
I'd have gotten a call.
Oh, yeah.
If this was a sitcom
that'd be "Palo Alto."
Hello.
Yeah, this is me.
Uh‐huh.
'Okay.'
'Well, thanks.'
Bye.
Uh.
I am out of a job.
Seems the president of
the network just got dumped
by one of the
actresses on the soap
who left him for
her pool‐boy Pablo.
Uh, she and Pablo
ran off to Rio at three
and the president
dumped the show at four.
I hope you got
your rent by the first.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Alright.
‐ See. ‐ Yeah.
‐ Small. ‐ Perfect.
Hey, what's up, fellas?
Oh, Kyle, cool. You're just
in time for our experiment.
Kyle... take my wallet.
Quick.
That's a refreshing
change from the usual
‐ "Kyle, pull my finger."
‐ Quit doin' that, boy.
'Wallet alert.
Theft in progress.'
Introducing the Obie‐Ray
"Wallet Watchdog."
We just invented it.
Now, we need your
business expertise.
‐ As an investment
expert. ‐ Uh‐huh.
I would say that you two have
created a hokey impulse purchase
in the same ghost family
as the pet rock, huh?
It'll sell like hot cakes for
few months and then... die.
And we'll be millionaires. Hey!
I think, I gotta get a new
battery for my hearing aid.
Did I hear you say,
"We'll be millionaires?"
If I can convince my
venture capital group
to invest in this thing then
I will more than deserve
a percentage of the profit.
Ha!
With our brains and
your marketin' savvy
we're like three spokes
in the wheel of fortune.
‐ All for one. ‐ All for one.
‐ And.. ‐ And
ten percent for me.
Will you all stop rubbin'
your jobs in my face?
I'm unemployed.
I don't have nothin' to do.
Damn, that is insensitive.
Go make me some popcorn.
Oh, oh, oh, now.
Look in the bright side, Regine.
You know, now you
can find a career that
utilizes your special skills.
She's small and noisy.
How much can you
make as a Chihuahua?
I'll get it.
I'm not doing anything.
What's happenin'?
Now, what did your mama tell you
about opening the
door for strangers, huh?
Man, what are you doin' here?
Oh, I'm just going around
knocking on people's door
till I get a hug.
And, like to introduce you
all to my beautiful fiance.
'Well, you're Tina!'
Come on, in.
Regine, Darryl has told
me so much about you
and I just had to meet the woman
who let big daddy get away.
She call me big daddy.
Oh, Regine!
Isn't it ironic that after
you and Darryl broke up..
He invented a
parcel tracking system
that made him richer than Oprah?
I mean, what are
you doing these days?
Dishes?
What happened to the show
you're working on... what's it called?
Cancelled! Ooh!
Excuse me for just one
quick little second. Pardon me.
Shut up! Shut up!
I think this is an occasion
for a celebratory
round of hot chocolate.
Okay.
Hey, Regine, I'm sorry
to hear about your job.
But you know, actually
it's perfect timing.
You see, we came over
actually to coordinate the wedding.
‐ Moi? ‐ Mous.
Well, I would love to be a
part of your special occasion.
So, have you guys picked out
a month for your special day?
This weekend.
This weekend? You guys..
I can't plan no weddin' in
that short amount of time.
I'll give you a $2000 bonus.
‐ We'll FedEx the invitations.
‐ Yeah. We can do that.
Okay, now it's gonna
be, uh, Tiffany gifts
for the bridesmaids.
Tiffany gifts for the groomsmen.
And I don't think we need to
discuss where we'll be shopping
for the weeding coordinator.
Or the wedding
coordinator's assistant.
You know, this is like a
dream come true for me, man.
I mean, my great friend
whose taste is unparalleled
planning my special
day with my bride
whose beauty is unparalleled.
Oh! Give me some
sugar beetle bug.
Ah! Ah.
‐ Uh, excuse me,
um, beetle bug. ‐ Huh.
Have you two kids
thought about a theme?
Oh! Obie and I have a
great theme for our wedding.
The theme from
"Shaft," shut your mouth.
You know what I
always wanted, baby?
‐ What's that? ‐ A
Thanksgiving motif.
Excellent idea, big. What do
you think we're gonna need?
I think we need some little
corn on the cob and some, uh
pumpkin pies, pumpkins of
course, and about 50 turkeys‐‐
'Uh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.'
I‐I don't know where
I'm gonna get 50 turkeys
this close to Thanksgiving.
Would a blank check help?
I'll shoot the turkeys
my damn self.
‐ Darling. ‐ Um.
Daddy, I'm thirsty.
Oh, let me get you
some water then, sugar.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Oh,
you know something?
I better go with you.
One of those water bottles' for
my hamster and he has the flu.
Thank you, baby.
Okay, look, girlfriend
I'm havin' a glamorous
old‐fashioned wedding.
Bump that Thanksgiving thing.
Well, Tina, Darryl seems
to have his heart set on it.
Regine, look at me.
He'll adjust.
Um, Tina, uh,
Darryl is my friend
um, so, don't take offense.
But I don't think you two are
quite ready to jump the broom.
Honey, with the
money I'm marryin'
I'll have my servants
carry me over the broom.
‐ Here you go,
bunkums. ‐ Big daddy.
You know what you were
so right about Regine.
I just know she's gonna do a
wonderful job on our wedding.
'You see, I told ya.'
And, in fact, I believe you
two are gonna be great friends.
Oh.
This is a mess.
Tina is a manipulative,
conniving gold‐digger..
But in a bad way.
And that's exactly what
you're gonna tell Darryl, right?
‐ Of course, I'm gonna
tell him. ‐ Yes, you are. Yes.
Why?
I'm obligated to defend
clients even if they're guilty.
Now, what's this
country coming to
when you can't cash
in on pain and sufferin'?
Regine, this is a perfect
opportunity for you to show
you can keep your mouth shut.
You'll be surprised
what a rush you can get
minding your own damn business.
‐ He's your friend. ‐ Client.
‐ But you gotta say
somethin'. ‐ No, you don't.
Oh.
This is the most appalling
situation I've ever been in.
What, you can't
make up your mind?
‐ No. I agree with Max. ‐ Oh.
Don't sweat it, Ray.
If anybody can get
those investors to back
the Wallet Watchdog it's Kyle.
Oh, if we can pull this off
I'll have some real dough
for the first time in my life.
Overton, I was
raised in a tool shed.
My mother worked in a zinc mine.
My first suit of clothes
was a hand‐me‐down.
My aunt grew out of it.
Oh, hey, Kyle.
How'd the meeting go?
I had a board room
full of millionaires.
Spellbound with visions
of the Wallet Watchdog.
Alright. There you go.
And then I demonstrated
said Wallet Watchdog.
Yes.
Seconds later I was
twitchin' on the floor
like a wounded wildebeest.
Felt like someone
shoved a barbecue grill
down my pants, man.
Kyle, before your tragic..
Somewhat melodramatic ordeal
uh, do you recall if
you were sweatin'?
Hello, I was talking to a
room full of millionaires.
Of course, I was perspiring.
Well, that's why it zapped you.
Your own sweat
conducted the charge.
Wait a minute.
We put the electrode
in the wallet..
Instead of the pocket, the
thief would still get shocked.
It'd be like a
pocket‐sized stun gun.
‐ Stun gun? ‐ Yeah.
And we amp up
the charge a little bit
it'll catch the thief whether
he's sweating or not.
Yeah.
'Kyle..'
Oh, hell no.
I cannot go back there, Overton.
Man, do you realize one of
those millionaires had to shove
a pencil down my mouth
to keep me from
swallowin' my tongue, man.
On the other hand,
I‐I do love money, so
I'll tell you what, y'all
work on the prototype
and I'll work on the pitch.
Alright.
Did you really have to
wear your aunt's clothes?
Well, I didn't have to.
I still can't believe you're
not gonna say anything
to Darryl about this.
Synclaire, they're
meant for each other.
He's a giver. She's a taker.
It's like yin and yang.
Yeah, well, eastern
philosophy is not gonna help you
out of this one,
little grasshopper.
‐ Hey. ‐ Alright.
Where do we put the gifts?
Oh, I'll put them in the office.
Where did you get them?
Imported crystal salt
and pepper shakers.
Oh. And you, Max?
Domestic salt and pepper.
Alright, I'll take 'em in.
Sodom and Gomorrah.
Regine.
Regine.
They want the music to play
right after "The Lord's Prayer."
What are you doing?
What is wrong..
What is wrong with
you? Let me down.
What..
Look in there.
Just look in there.
Just look.
That's Freddie, the best man.
Apparently.
Max.
♪ Now wait a minute ♪
♪ You gonna make
me wanna shout ♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪ Hey a little louder now ♪
♪ Come on ♪
Come on. Come on..
You will not believe
what we just saw.
What happened?
Tina and Freddie the best
man were getting a swerve on.
I didn't know it was part
of the best man's duties
to break in the bride.
'Hey.'
You guys seen Freddie?
Wanna make sure he got the ring.
Oh, I think he's
gettin' it in the back.
Come here, man.
Um, Darryl, I don't know
how to say this but, um..
I just saw Tina.
Beautiful, ain't she?
‐ And Freddie. ‐
Freddie, that's my man.
Kissin'.
Darryl, man, you deserve better.
Uh, hell, man,
you've had better.
You know, I was afraid
this was gonna happen.
Regine, look, I'm flattered
you still carry a torch for me
you know, but... I'm
gonna marry Tina now.
So, you and I..
Get.. Your fiance is in a office
takin' off your best man's
cummerbund with her teeth.
Oh, come on.
Regine, you're really
startin' to scare me, please.
I'm not tryin' to get with you.
I don't carry no
freakin' torch for you..
Okay.
Now, let's say this
loaf of sourdough
is the wily pickpocket.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Alright?
Now, as I step away, the
wily watchdog activates.
Oh. Sure you got enough
voltage in the transmitter?
‐ Oh. ‐ Pretty much.
Yeah, pretty much.
Oh, look. Your latest
invention, sourdough incense.
Did you meet with the
investors at the racket club?
Huh, I did and I presented
the new and improved version
of the Wallet Watchdog
and they loved it.
They loved it. We're rich.
It's wine, women, and song.
'Go, on. Soul man.'
Mr. Jackson. Mr. Jackson.
There's a little list.
Only deal that they were willing
to make is to buy you two out
and develop the
product themselves.
And this is the highest
they were willing to go.
Uh, minus my
commission of course.
Five thousand dollars?
Man, this is a insult
to my friend Ray.
Man he worked his
whole life for this.
He was raised in a zinc mine.
He had to... wear
female clothes.
Five thousand simoleons.
Oh, my God. I can take my
girl Nannette to Atlantic City.
Who the hell is Nannette?
Nannette is my
latest chickery chick.
I met her at the
arthritis clinic.
Boy, she loves Blackjack,
Wayne Newton, and Bengay.
Come on, man, let's just
hold off for the big payday.
This is the big payday.
I'm 73 years old.
This is the payday.
♪ Payday oh hey ♪
Next time, I invent
somethin' I'm doing it solo.
And I'm holdin' out
for a back‐end deal.
Oh, come on, Overton, man,
you have one good invention
you got a nice windfall.
Do not fancy yourself
a latter‐day Edison.
Okay, Kyle.
I guess I have to
take my OverJones
massage in a spray
can elsewhere.
Overton, man, how
the hell do you get
a massage in a spray can?
Ah.
Oh, I believe.
And thi‐this right here.
This is the weak batch.
Ooh.
We are gathered together
here in the sight of God
and in the face of this
company to join together.
I can't believe you're gonna
sit here through this charade.
Synclaire, I told him.
What else do you want me to do?
Hang a banner behind the altar
that says "the bride's a tramp."
This is the house of the Lord
the proper word
would be "Jessabelle!"
"Sacred institution that should
not be entered into lightly.
"Now, if anyone has any
objection to these two joining
"in holy matrimony speak now.
'Or forever hold your peace."'
Regine, if you say somethin'
this will officially be the
most entertaining wedding
I have ever attended.
There's no one else.
I'm afraid I have an objection.
This is not the
woman I want to marry.
And I saved myself for you.
Oh, yeah. Right.
This is all your fault, missy.
You, Jessabelle!
See, she knows where she is.
I've never seen such a
two‐faced sister in my life!
She's no sister of yours!
If I was two‐faced at least
neither one of my faces
was suckin' on
Freddie's love handles.
Ew! Ew!
'That's nasty.'
Ah! No.
Please! Please!
This is a church!
Hey, let's take it outside.
Come on!
‐ Whoa! ‐ I'm
through with that..
‐ Oh, my. ‐ Well, uh..
Regine, I don't think
you're gonna be able to use
her for a reference.
Oh, let's move.
Let's go the buffet before, uh,
Darryl there changes his mind
takes back his
money. Let's go hurry.
I'm, um.. I'm real sorry, man.
Nah, don't be.
Actually, I'd like to thank you.
I had my doubts
about Tina all along.
I guess I was just too in
love and too blind to see it.
I know you, uh, tch..
You probably wanna,
you know, be up out of here
so, um, you can
just cut me my check.
You know, Regi, I'm
gonna be pretty lonely
in that big beautiful
mansion that I'm building
out in Jupiter, Florida.
Right across the road from the
Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater.
‐ And I was wondering‐‐
‐ Uh‐uh. Uh‐uh. Um.
No, I think, I'm
gonna have to pass.
You probably right.
I shouldn't go for the quick
rebound with you anyway.
‐ It'll mess up our
friendship. ‐ That's right.
But, uh, it is important to
start the healin' process.
Hey, Veronica, you
like Burt Reynolds?
Do I?
I followed his career
through six hairpieces.
Me, Veronica, and Burt.
Okay. Okay.
My stretch Winnebago awaits.
Feeling better
a‐a‐already, Regi.
Woo‐hoo!
‐ Hey, babe. ‐ Hey, Obie.
Hey, Mr. Kellum.
Oh, why the long
faces. The Knicks won.
Yeah, but when I pulled
out a stogie to celebrate
I noticed my wallet was gone.
Eight bucks down the crapper.
Yo, I bet it was
that Bulls' fan.
The one with the high heels
and that Rodman wig on.
‐ Hm. ‐ What a world?
I can invent a diaper
that can soak up
a whole cup of blue liquid
but they can't protect
your valuables.
‐ Oh! ‐ Um.
You know, if you put a
electrode in your wallet
you could link it to a
sound chip in your pocket.
Yeah.
You mean like those
cards when you open up
they play "Jingle Bells?"
Yeah, if you rig it...
with something, uh‐uh
that would tell you if
someone's touching your wallet.
Then it plays it
catchy Yuletide tune
and you follow the
sound to the thief
and beat the
eggnog up out of him.
Hey, I bet we could
sell a million of them.
Well, you know I got
everything we need to build one.
‐ Right upstairs. ‐ Yeah?
‐ Ooh. Let's do this. ‐ He‐he.
I love when he says that.
Ooh! This is so exciting.
It's like Newton and Galileo
go off to invent gravity.
Thanks for the compliment, doll
but no one actually
invented gravity.
Well, when you
consider the word "Invent"
it's from the Latin,
"Invenire" meaning "To find."
Technically, I think I'm right.
My baby reads.
♪ We are living hey hey hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Oh in a 90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Keep your head up what? ♪
♪ Keep your head
up that's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Haaa ♪
'And later in the program'
'Coolio introduces his new
line of haircare products..'
Oh! Hollywood's hottest dirt.
That's journalism at its best.
Oh, wait a minute. Shh. They're
talking about my soap opera.
'...cancellation had been
flying fast and furious '
'since this morning and late
today the axe came down'
'on the formally number
one day‐time drama.'
'Sources said "Palo
Alto" has been cancelled.'
‐ Oh. ‐ Um.
Oh, woo‐boo.
Uh, does this mean
you're out of a job?
No, no, Synclaire, I mean, if
the show had been cancelled
I'd have gotten a call.
Oh, yeah.
If this was a sitcom
that'd be "Palo Alto."
Hello.
Yeah, this is me.
Uh‐huh.
'Okay.'
'Well, thanks.'
Bye.
Uh.
I am out of a job.
Seems the president of
the network just got dumped
by one of the
actresses on the soap
who left him for
her pool‐boy Pablo.
Uh, she and Pablo
ran off to Rio at three
and the president
dumped the show at four.
I hope you got
your rent by the first.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Alright.
‐ See. ‐ Yeah.
‐ Small. ‐ Perfect.
Hey, what's up, fellas?
Oh, Kyle, cool. You're just
in time for our experiment.
Kyle... take my wallet.
Quick.
That's a refreshing
change from the usual
‐ "Kyle, pull my finger."
‐ Quit doin' that, boy.
'Wallet alert.
Theft in progress.'
Introducing the Obie‐Ray
"Wallet Watchdog."
We just invented it.
Now, we need your
business expertise.
‐ As an investment
expert. ‐ Uh‐huh.
I would say that you two have
created a hokey impulse purchase
in the same ghost family
as the pet rock, huh?
It'll sell like hot cakes for
few months and then... die.
And we'll be millionaires. Hey!
I think, I gotta get a new
battery for my hearing aid.
Did I hear you say,
"We'll be millionaires?"
If I can convince my
venture capital group
to invest in this thing then
I will more than deserve
a percentage of the profit.
Ha!
With our brains and
your marketin' savvy
we're like three spokes
in the wheel of fortune.
‐ All for one. ‐ All for one.
‐ And.. ‐ And
ten percent for me.
Will you all stop rubbin'
your jobs in my face?
I'm unemployed.
I don't have nothin' to do.
Damn, that is insensitive.
Go make me some popcorn.
Oh, oh, oh, now.
Look in the bright side, Regine.
You know, now you
can find a career that
utilizes your special skills.
She's small and noisy.
How much can you
make as a Chihuahua?
I'll get it.
I'm not doing anything.
What's happenin'?
Now, what did your mama tell you
about opening the
door for strangers, huh?
Man, what are you doin' here?
Oh, I'm just going around
knocking on people's door
till I get a hug.
And, like to introduce you
all to my beautiful fiance.
'Well, you're Tina!'
Come on, in.
Regine, Darryl has told
me so much about you
and I just had to meet the woman
who let big daddy get away.
She call me big daddy.
Oh, Regine!
Isn't it ironic that after
you and Darryl broke up..
He invented a
parcel tracking system
that made him richer than Oprah?
I mean, what are
you doing these days?
Dishes?
What happened to the show
you're working on... what's it called?
Cancelled! Ooh!
Excuse me for just one
quick little second. Pardon me.
Shut up! Shut up!
I think this is an occasion
for a celebratory
round of hot chocolate.
Okay.
Hey, Regine, I'm sorry
to hear about your job.
But you know, actually
it's perfect timing.
You see, we came over
actually to coordinate the wedding.
‐ Moi? ‐ Mous.
Well, I would love to be a
part of your special occasion.
So, have you guys picked out
a month for your special day?
This weekend.
This weekend? You guys..
I can't plan no weddin' in
that short amount of time.
I'll give you a $2000 bonus.
‐ We'll FedEx the invitations.
‐ Yeah. We can do that.
Okay, now it's gonna
be, uh, Tiffany gifts
for the bridesmaids.
Tiffany gifts for the groomsmen.
And I don't think we need to
discuss where we'll be shopping
for the weeding coordinator.
Or the wedding
coordinator's assistant.
You know, this is like a
dream come true for me, man.
I mean, my great friend
whose taste is unparalleled
planning my special
day with my bride
whose beauty is unparalleled.
Oh! Give me some
sugar beetle bug.
Ah! Ah.
‐ Uh, excuse me,
um, beetle bug. ‐ Huh.
Have you two kids
thought about a theme?
Oh! Obie and I have a
great theme for our wedding.
The theme from
"Shaft," shut your mouth.
You know what I
always wanted, baby?
‐ What's that? ‐ A
Thanksgiving motif.
Excellent idea, big. What do
you think we're gonna need?
I think we need some little
corn on the cob and some, uh
pumpkin pies, pumpkins of
course, and about 50 turkeys‐‐
'Uh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.'
I‐I don't know where
I'm gonna get 50 turkeys
this close to Thanksgiving.
Would a blank check help?
I'll shoot the turkeys
my damn self.
‐ Darling. ‐ Um.
Daddy, I'm thirsty.
Oh, let me get you
some water then, sugar.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Oh,
you know something?
I better go with you.
One of those water bottles' for
my hamster and he has the flu.
Thank you, baby.
Okay, look, girlfriend
I'm havin' a glamorous
old‐fashioned wedding.
Bump that Thanksgiving thing.
Well, Tina, Darryl seems
to have his heart set on it.
Regine, look at me.
He'll adjust.
Um, Tina, uh,
Darryl is my friend
um, so, don't take offense.
But I don't think you two are
quite ready to jump the broom.
Honey, with the
money I'm marryin'
I'll have my servants
carry me over the broom.
‐ Here you go,
bunkums. ‐ Big daddy.
You know what you were
so right about Regine.
I just know she's gonna do a
wonderful job on our wedding.
'You see, I told ya.'
And, in fact, I believe you
two are gonna be great friends.
Oh.
This is a mess.
Tina is a manipulative,
conniving gold‐digger..
But in a bad way.
And that's exactly what
you're gonna tell Darryl, right?
‐ Of course, I'm gonna
tell him. ‐ Yes, you are. Yes.
Why?
I'm obligated to defend
clients even if they're guilty.
Now, what's this
country coming to
when you can't cash
in on pain and sufferin'?
Regine, this is a perfect
opportunity for you to show
you can keep your mouth shut.
You'll be surprised
what a rush you can get
minding your own damn business.
‐ He's your friend. ‐ Client.
‐ But you gotta say
somethin'. ‐ No, you don't.
Oh.
This is the most appalling
situation I've ever been in.
What, you can't
make up your mind?
‐ No. I agree with Max. ‐ Oh.
Don't sweat it, Ray.
If anybody can get
those investors to back
the Wallet Watchdog it's Kyle.
Oh, if we can pull this off
I'll have some real dough
for the first time in my life.
Overton, I was
raised in a tool shed.
My mother worked in a zinc mine.
My first suit of clothes
was a hand‐me‐down.
My aunt grew out of it.
Oh, hey, Kyle.
How'd the meeting go?
I had a board room
full of millionaires.
Spellbound with visions
of the Wallet Watchdog.
Alright. There you go.
And then I demonstrated
said Wallet Watchdog.
Yes.
Seconds later I was
twitchin' on the floor
like a wounded wildebeest.
Felt like someone
shoved a barbecue grill
down my pants, man.
Kyle, before your tragic..
Somewhat melodramatic ordeal
uh, do you recall if
you were sweatin'?
Hello, I was talking to a
room full of millionaires.
Of course, I was perspiring.
Well, that's why it zapped you.
Your own sweat
conducted the charge.
Wait a minute.
We put the electrode
in the wallet..
Instead of the pocket, the
thief would still get shocked.
It'd be like a
pocket‐sized stun gun.
‐ Stun gun? ‐ Yeah.
And we amp up
the charge a little bit
it'll catch the thief whether
he's sweating or not.
Yeah.
'Kyle..'
Oh, hell no.
I cannot go back there, Overton.
Man, do you realize one of
those millionaires had to shove
a pencil down my mouth
to keep me from
swallowin' my tongue, man.
On the other hand,
I‐I do love money, so
I'll tell you what, y'all
work on the prototype
and I'll work on the pitch.
Alright.
Did you really have to
wear your aunt's clothes?
Well, I didn't have to.
I still can't believe you're
not gonna say anything
to Darryl about this.
Synclaire, they're
meant for each other.
He's a giver. She's a taker.
It's like yin and yang.
Yeah, well, eastern
philosophy is not gonna help you
out of this one,
little grasshopper.
‐ Hey. ‐ Alright.
Where do we put the gifts?
Oh, I'll put them in the office.
Where did you get them?
Imported crystal salt
and pepper shakers.
Oh. And you, Max?
Domestic salt and pepper.
Alright, I'll take 'em in.
Sodom and Gomorrah.
Regine.
Regine.
They want the music to play
right after "The Lord's Prayer."
What are you doing?
What is wrong..
What is wrong with
you? Let me down.
What..
Look in there.
Just look in there.
Just look.
That's Freddie, the best man.
Apparently.
Max.
♪ Now wait a minute ♪
♪ You gonna make
me wanna shout ♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪ Come on now ♪
♪ Hey a little louder now ♪
♪ Come on ♪
Come on. Come on..
You will not believe
what we just saw.
What happened?
Tina and Freddie the best
man were getting a swerve on.
I didn't know it was part
of the best man's duties
to break in the bride.
'Hey.'
You guys seen Freddie?
Wanna make sure he got the ring.
Oh, I think he's
gettin' it in the back.
Come here, man.
Um, Darryl, I don't know
how to say this but, um..
I just saw Tina.
Beautiful, ain't she?
‐ And Freddie. ‐
Freddie, that's my man.
Kissin'.
Darryl, man, you deserve better.
Uh, hell, man,
you've had better.
You know, I was afraid
this was gonna happen.
Regine, look, I'm flattered
you still carry a torch for me
you know, but... I'm
gonna marry Tina now.
So, you and I..
Get.. Your fiance is in a office
takin' off your best man's
cummerbund with her teeth.
Oh, come on.
Regine, you're really
startin' to scare me, please.
I'm not tryin' to get with you.
I don't carry no
freakin' torch for you..
Okay.
Now, let's say this
loaf of sourdough
is the wily pickpocket.
‐ Yeah. ‐ Alright?
Now, as I step away, the
wily watchdog activates.
Oh. Sure you got enough
voltage in the transmitter?
‐ Oh. ‐ Pretty much.
Yeah, pretty much.
Oh, look. Your latest
invention, sourdough incense.
Did you meet with the
investors at the racket club?
Huh, I did and I presented
the new and improved version
of the Wallet Watchdog
and they loved it.
They loved it. We're rich.
It's wine, women, and song.
'Go, on. Soul man.'
Mr. Jackson. Mr. Jackson.
There's a little list.
Only deal that they were willing
to make is to buy you two out
and develop the
product themselves.
And this is the highest
they were willing to go.
Uh, minus my
commission of course.
Five thousand dollars?
Man, this is a insult
to my friend Ray.
Man he worked his
whole life for this.
He was raised in a zinc mine.
He had to... wear
female clothes.
Five thousand simoleons.
Oh, my God. I can take my
girl Nannette to Atlantic City.
Who the hell is Nannette?
Nannette is my
latest chickery chick.
I met her at the
arthritis clinic.
Boy, she loves Blackjack,
Wayne Newton, and Bengay.
Come on, man, let's just
hold off for the big payday.
This is the big payday.
I'm 73 years old.
This is the payday.
♪ Payday oh hey ♪
Next time, I invent
somethin' I'm doing it solo.
And I'm holdin' out
for a back‐end deal.
Oh, come on, Overton, man,
you have one good invention
you got a nice windfall.
Do not fancy yourself
a latter‐day Edison.
Okay, Kyle.
I guess I have to
take my OverJones
massage in a spray
can elsewhere.
Overton, man, how
the hell do you get
a massage in a spray can?
Ah.
Oh, I believe.
And thi‐this right here.
This is the weak batch.
Ooh.
We are gathered together
here in the sight of God
and in the face of this
company to join together.
I can't believe you're gonna
sit here through this charade.
Synclaire, I told him.
What else do you want me to do?
Hang a banner behind the altar
that says "the bride's a tramp."
This is the house of the Lord
the proper word
would be "Jessabelle!"
"Sacred institution that should
not be entered into lightly.
"Now, if anyone has any
objection to these two joining
"in holy matrimony speak now.
'Or forever hold your peace."'
Regine, if you say somethin'
this will officially be the
most entertaining wedding
I have ever attended.
There's no one else.
I'm afraid I have an objection.
This is not the
woman I want to marry.
And I saved myself for you.
Oh, yeah. Right.
This is all your fault, missy.
You, Jessabelle!
See, she knows where she is.
I've never seen such a
two‐faced sister in my life!
She's no sister of yours!
If I was two‐faced at least
neither one of my faces
was suckin' on
Freddie's love handles.
Ew! Ew!
'That's nasty.'
Ah! No.
Please! Please!
This is a church!
Hey, let's take it outside.
Come on!
‐ Whoa! ‐ I'm
through with that..
‐ Oh, my. ‐ Well, uh..
Regine, I don't think
you're gonna be able to use
her for a reference.
Oh, let's move.
Let's go the buffet before, uh,
Darryl there changes his mind
takes back his
money. Let's go hurry.
I'm, um.. I'm real sorry, man.
Nah, don't be.
Actually, I'd like to thank you.
I had my doubts
about Tina all along.
I guess I was just too in
love and too blind to see it.
I know you, uh, tch..
You probably wanna,
you know, be up out of here
so, um, you can
just cut me my check.
You know, Regi, I'm
gonna be pretty lonely
in that big beautiful
mansion that I'm building
out in Jupiter, Florida.
Right across the road from the
Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater.
‐ And I was wondering‐‐
‐ Uh‐uh. Uh‐uh. Um.
No, I think, I'm
gonna have to pass.
You probably right.
I shouldn't go for the quick
rebound with you anyway.
‐ It'll mess up our
friendship. ‐ That's right.
But, uh, it is important to
start the healin' process.
Hey, Veronica, you
like Burt Reynolds?
Do I?
I followed his career
through six hairpieces.
Me, Veronica, and Burt.
Okay. Okay.
My stretch Winnebago awaits.
Feeling better
a‐a‐already, Regi.
Woo‐hoo!