Living Single (1993–1998): Season 4, Episode 5 - Moi the Jury - full transcript
NOT GUILTY... NOT GUILTY...
NOT GUILTY... NOT GUILTY...
NOT GUILTY... NOT
GUILTY... GUILTY.
WHAT?
SARAH McQUEEN IS GUILTY.
AND APPARENTLY, I AM THE
ONLY SANE PERSON ON THIS JURY.
GOOD. THEN WE CAN
ALL PLEAD INSANITY
WHEN WE KILL YOU.
DAMN STRAIGHT.
I'VE HAD MARRIAGES
THAT DIDN'T TAKE AS
LONG AS THIS DELIBERATION.
CONSIDERING YOUR LITTLE
ATTITUDE, I'M NOT SURPRISED.
WELL, ANOTHER DAY SHOT.
LET'S GO HOME, KICK THE DOG
AND RECONVENE TOMORROW MORNING.
UNLESS ONE OF US
GETS HIT BY A BUS.
AND REMEMBER THE
JUDGE'S ADMONITION
NOT TO DISCUSS THE
CASE WITH ANYONE.
EVEN IF YOUR FAMILY WONDERS
WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO
YOUR WIFE'S GRAVE LATELY?
IT AIN'T LIKE SHE
GOING ANYWHERE.
♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ SINGLE ♪
♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪
♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ WHENEVER THIS
LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪
♪ MY HOMEGIRL
STANDING TO MY LEFT ♪
♪ AND MY RIGHT ♪
♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S
TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪
Captioning sponsored by FOX
BROADCASTING COMPANY
OH, I KNOW, HAROLD, I KNOW.
SOMETIMES, LIFE DOESN'T
COOPERATE WITH OUR PLANS
BUT REMEMBER, DISAPPOINTMENT
ENDS IN OINTMENT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
OINTMENT HEALS.
WHAT'S CONFUCIUS JACKSON UP TO?
HA HA.
"ACTORS HELPING ACTORS."
IT'S A CRISIS HOT LINE
FOR UNEMPLOYED ACTORS.
SHOULDN'T SHE BE ON THE
OTHER END OF THAT PHONE CALL?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET?
MY BABY IS MORE THAN QUALIFIED
TO MAN THOSE PHONES, OKAY?
SHE HAD AN HOUR AND A
HALF OF INTENSIVE TRAINING
PLUS A REFRESHER
COURSE IN PHONE HYGIENE.
REMEMBER, IT TAKES
52 MUSCLES TO FROWN
AND ONLY 19 TO SMILE.
NOW, YOU DO THE HAPPY MATH.
PEACE OUT.
SO HOW'S HAROLD DOING,
MY CURVACEOUS COUNSELOR?
NOT BAD, NOT BAD.
HE STILL THINKS
EVERYBODY'S OUT TO GET HIM
BUT HE'S BEGINNING
TO TRUST HIS CAT AGAIN.
Kyle: HEY, REGINE.
HOW'S JURY DUTY?
KYLE, NOW, YOU KNOW
I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT
AND BESIDES, I
ALREADY TOLD YOU ALL:
I'M ON SOME BORING OLD TRIAL
THAT NOBODY WOULD
BE INTERESTED IN.
MM. I GUESS THEY MATCH
THE CASE WITH THE JUROR.
TOO BAD YOU AIN'T ON
THAT SARAH McQUEEN CASE.
MAYBE YOU COULD STRAIGHTEN
OUT THAT IDIOT JUROR
THAT'S HOLDING UP
THE DAD‐GONE VERDICT!
I‐IDIOT...?
WELL, NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK
THAT SHE'S... OR
HE'S... AN IDIOT?
WELL, REPORTEDLY
SOMEONE ON THAT
JURY IS CONVINCED
THAT KINDHEARTED OLD WOMAN
COULD BURN DOWN HER OWN HOUSE.
EVEN THE PROSECUTOR ENDED
HIS CLOSING ARGUMENT WITH:
"ON THE OTHER HAND,
I COULD BE WRONG."
Overton: WHO AMONG US DIDN'T
GROW UP LOVING SARAH McQUEEN.
IN HERE COMES MRS.
BENCHLEY, GET OUT THE WAY.
Kyle: MRS. BENCHLEY.
AN ARSONIST. YEAH.
AND WHEEZY
JEFFERSON SHOT J. F. K.
Khadijah: OOH, WHEEZY JEFFERSON!
YOU GUYS, NOW, SARAH McQUEEN.
IS THE WOMAN
ACCUSED OF THE CRIME.
MRS. BENCHLEY
IS JUST A CHARACTER SHE PLAYS.
DON'T CONFUSE THE
ACTOR WITH THE ROLE.
YEAH.
TELL THAT TO TOOTIE.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT...
NO, NO, NO, REGINE.
SHE REALLY IS SWEET.
WHEN I INTERVIEWED HER
SHE BROUGHT A MARBLE CAKE...
AND GET THIS...
HAD HER THREE ADOPTED
CAMBODIAN ORPHANS SING
"I WILL SURVIVE."
SARAH McQUEEN IS GUILTY!
OR COULD BE GUILTY...
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I'M NOT ON THAT JURY.
STOP LOOKING AT ME.
LOOK, THERE'S NOT ONE
SOLID PIECE OF EVIDENCE
LINKING SARAH
McQUEEN TO THE CRIME.
PLUS... 15 PEOPLE
TESTIFIED ON HER BEHALF
INCLUDING THE ENTIRE CAST
OF MY MOTHER, THE BOAT.
WHEN THE FIRE BROKE OUT
McQUEEN WAS ON A RED
CROSS PLANE TO BOSNIA.
DELIVERING MEDICAL SUPPLIES
AND HOMEMADE PEANUT BRITTLE.
AND YOU CALL THAT AN ALIBI?
I HAVE YET TO HEAR
ONE GOOD REASON
WHY SARAH McQUEEN IS GUILTY.
I HAVE GIVEN YOU SEVERAL,
AND HERE COMES ANOTHER:
WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME AN INNOCENT WOMAN
WORE NUDE PANTYHOSE TWO SHADES
DARKER THAN HER OWN COMPLEXION?
HOMEGIRL IS HIDING SOMETHING.
LIVER SPOTS.
SHE'S 73.
SHE BURNED DOWN HER HOUSE
FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY!
YOU HEARD THE PROSECUTOR
SAY THAT SHE HASN'T WORKED
SINCE SHE STARRED IN
WHOOPS, I'M THE PRESIDENT.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES,
THE JURORS IN A CASE‐‐
THEY FORM A REAL BOND
AMONGST THEMSELVES
AND AFTERWARDS,
THEY GET TOGETHER
TO TALK OVER OLD TIMES
AND SHARE NEW EXPERIENCES...
BUT NOT ON THIS CASE
BECAUSE I HATE YOU.
I SECOND.
LET'S VOTE ON THAT. HANDS?
Overton: OKAY, BABY GIRL.
LET'S TEST IT OUT.
OKAY.
RING, RING.
ACTORS HELPING ACTORS.
WHAT IS YOUR CRISIS?
OH, NOW, SYNCLAIRE.
DON'T PLAY WITH A LOADED
PHONE IN THE HOUSE.
KHADIJAH, THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
HAROLD IS ONE OF
MY DAILY CALLERS.
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM
HIM SINCE WEDNESDAY.
WELL, MAYBE HE FOUND A JOB.
OR MAYBE HIS PHONE GOT CUT OFF.
OR MAYBE HE KILLED HIMSELF.
OH, COME ON!
LIKE YOU GUYS
WEREN'T THINKING THAT.
YEAH, MAYBE SO
BUT WE WERE ABLE TO
SNAP OUR MOUTHS SHUT
BEFORE SOMETHING
STUPID CAME TUMBLING OUT.
BUSTED AGAIN! ALL
RIGHT, SO, WHAT IS IT?
SHOES OR SHIRT?
EH... SHIRT.
WELL, HELLO, MADAM JUROR.
HAVE YOU DISCHARGED
YOUR CIVIC DUTY TODAY?
NO. STILL DELIBERATING.
THOSE ROCK HEADS.
YOU GOT AN IDIOT HOLDOUT
ON YOUR JURY TOO?
YOU KNOW, FOLKS
THERE ARE OTHER THINGS
GOING ON IN THE WORLD
BESIDES JURIES, HUH?
MAD COW DISEASE‐‐
AREN'T THE COWS STILL MAD?
STOP LOOKING AT ME.
YOU GUYS, I HAVE SOMETHING
I HAVE GOT TO GET OFF MY CHEST.
STOP THAT.
NOW, IF I TELL YOU, SWEAR
IT WILL GO NO FURTHER.
OH, OF COURSE, REGINE.
WE'LL EVEN DO A PINKY SWEAR.
NOW, HOLD ON, MAMA.
LET'S SEE WHAT SHE GOT FIRST.
I AM ON THE...
VERGE OF BUYING A NEW DRESS.
HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
I DON'T KNOW.
LISTEN.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE
MACARONI AND CHEESE OUT OF A BOX
YOUR BEST BET IS COUNT MACULAS.
PLEASE! COUNT MACULA
WOULDN'T KNOW CHEESE
IF A MAD COW
DELIVERED IT TO HIM.
SEE, REGINE? I
WORKED IN YOUR TOPIC.
I'M THE HOLDOUT JUROR
ON THE McQUEEN CASE!
YOU KNOW, WHEN I MAKE
MY FAMOUS BARKER
MACARONI AND FROMAGE
I USE ONLY THE
FINEST AGED CHEDDAR
WITH JUST A HINT OF
GOUDA, AND THEN YOU...
DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
I'M THE IDIOT HOLDOUT THAT
WANTS McQUEEN LOCKED UP.
WHAT?
YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?
YOU'RE... THE IDIOT?
THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY
IS SAYING ABOUT ME!
I'M ON THIS BIG,
CONTROVERSIAL CASE
AND I CAN'T EVEN DEFEND MYSELF.
I CAN'T EVEN GET ON
THE COVER OF PEOPLE.
FREAK THAT. YOU'RE NOT EVEN
SUPPOSED TO DISCUSS THE CASE.
YOU WANT ME DEAD, IS THAT IT?
YOU JUST WANT ME TO EXPLODE
TRYING TO HOLD THIS JUICE IN.
YEAH, WELL, IT SEEMS
THE JUICE IS LOOSE.
ALL RIGHT, I...
I'M NOT GOING TO
TELL ANYBODY ELSE.
JUST MY IMMEDIATE, INTIMATE
CIRCLE OF TRUSTED FRIENDS.
AND MAX.
AND THE JUDGE.
WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU VIOLATED HIS ORDERS.
NOW, EITHER YOU TELL THE
JUDGE WHAT YOU'VE DONE
OR AS AN OFFICER OF THE COURT
I AM OBLIGATED TO DO IT.
I MEAN IT.
LAST NIGHT
ONE OF THE JURORS INFORMED
ME THAT SHE DISCUSSED THE CASE
OUTSIDE THE JURY ROOM.
OH, GOD! NO! WHO?
WHAT THE HELL!
LET ME FIRST SAY THAT
SUCH UNSOLICITED HONESTY
IS BOTH RARE AND REFRESHING...
ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING
THE HEINOUS NATURE
OF HER TRANSGRESSION.
THIS TIME
I WOULD LIKE TO ASK THAT
THE JUROR COME FORWARD.
YOU BETTER GET
ON UP THERE, GIRL.
MISS HUNTER!
DON'T MAKE ME USE
THE MAGIC HAMMER.
OH, IF SHE KNEW THEY'RE
NOT GOING TO LET HER
TAKE ALL THEM WIGS
TO THE BIG HOUSE.
I WISH I HAD THE POWER
TO SENTENCE A CITIZEN TO SHAME.
BUT, ALAS I DO NOT.
COULD I GO NOW?
JUST ONE MORE THING.
I FIND YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT
AND SENTENCE YOU TO...
EXCUSE ME, YOUR HONOR!
MAXINE SHAW, PUBLIC DEFENDER
AND PARK SLOPE ALDERWOMAN.
YES, MISS SHAW.
I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT
THE JUROR IS A SOLID CITIZEN
WITH COMMUNITY...
MISS SHAW! YOU ARE AN
OFFICER OF THE COURT
AND A PUBLIC OFFICIAL
AND YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT YOU KNOW THIS SIMPLETON?
I REQUEST MY NAME AND COMMENTS
BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD.
YOU SAVE YOURSELF, GIRL.
DON'T YOU GO DOWN
WITH THAT SHIP!
YOU KNOW IT'LL SINK!
I HEREBY DISCHARGE
YOU FROM THIS JURY...
AND SENTENCE YOU TO 50
HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE.
I HAVE MADE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR YOU TO BAKE BREAD
WITH THE BROTHERS OF
SEBASTIAN MONASTERY.
THEY HAVE TAKEN
A VOW OF SILENCE.
THE STATE CAN'T SEEM
TO GET YOU TO SHUT UP.
PERHAPS GOD CAN.
NOW, IF THE REMAINING JURORS
ALONG WITH THE ALTERNATE
WOULD EXCUSE THEMSELVES
AND BEGIN DELIBERATION.
I FEEL SORRY FOR THE POOR
ALTERNATE THAT HAS TO CONTEND
WITH THIS GROUP OF ROCK HEADS.
YOUR HONOR!
WE'VE REACHED A VERDICT.
WE FIND SARAH
McQUEEN NOT GUILTY.
NO! NO! IT'S A MISTAKE!
IT'S A MISTAKE!
Y'ALL CHECK UNDER
HER WIG FOR MATCHES!
IT'S A MISTAKE!
SARAH McQUEEN...
GOD IS WATCHING YOU.
OH, HEY, KYLE.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK
OF THIS DRESS RIGHT HERE.
FRANKLY, I NEVER PICTURED
YOU IN ANYTHING BACKLESS.
IT'S A WEDDING DRESS
FOR SYNCLAIRE, OKAY?
OH, IN THAT CASE, I
SUGGEST SOMETHING SHORT
TO SHOW OFF HER LEGS.
AND TO REDUCE THE
LIKELIHOOD OF TRIPPING.
OH!
OBIE! I FOUND HAROLD!
HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT,
MY PRECIOUS PRIVATE EYE?
WELL, THE LAST TIME HE CALLED
HE SAID HE WAS DROWNING
HIS SORROWS IN A HOT LINK
AND PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
SO YOU FOUND HIM IN
AN EMERGENCY ROOM
GETTING HIS STOMACH PUMPED?
KYLE, LET THE MYSTERY UNFOLD.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
I REMEMBER THAT HAROLD LIVED
DOWNTOWN NEAR THE "F" TRAIN.
SO I GO DOWN THERE AND I
FIND BIG MAMA'S HOT LINK HEAVEN.
NOW BIG MAMA NOT ONLY KNEW HIM
SHE RENTED HIM
THE ROOM UPSTAIRS.
DAMN! APARTMENT
ABOVE HOT LINK HEAVEN
GOT TO BE ONE GREASY STAIRCASE.
SO, HE WASN'T AT HOME
BUT HIS NEIGHBORS SAID
HE HAD GONE OUT TO GET SOME AIR.
PROBABLY TO ESCAPE THE STENCH
OF ROASTING SWINE.
I GO TO A NEARBY PARK
AND WHO DO YOU THINK
IS SITTING ON A BENCH
EATING A HOT LINK SALAD?
THE ARTIST FORMERLY
KNOWN AS PRINCE?
NO! HAROLD!
WHEN HE REALIZED WHAT
I HAD GONE THROUGH
HE SAID HE WOULD
PUT ALL HIS DESPAIR
BEHIND HIM AND START
LIVING FOR TODAY.
ALL RIGHT, SYNCLAIRE, YOU
KNOW, THAT'S BRILLIANT SLEUTHING.
TELL ME SOMETHING, WHERE
ARE YOUR SUNGLASSES?
YOU KNOW, FUNNY
YOU SHOULD ASK THAT.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR THEM ALL DAY!
THAT'S AMAZING.
I AM AN INTERNATIONAL JOKE.
A CAMERA CREW HAS FOLLOWED
ME INTO THE LADIES ROOM.
AND A SPANISH COUPLE
CAME UP TO ME...
TWO TOURISTS...
'CAUSE THEY WANTED
TO TAKE A PICTURE
WITH SENORITA BLABBERMOUTH.
HEY, YOU GUYS DON'T THINK
I HAVE A PROBLEM, DO YOU?
WELL, REGINE, YOU FAM.
SO, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR
FOR YOU TO ASK A QUESTION
LIKE THAT, POINT BLANK
AND EXPECT AN ANSWER.
REGINE, YOU'RE A GOSSIPY,
DIRT DEALING, HUMAN BULLHORN.
WE'RE NOT THAT CLOSE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE
AGREE WITH THOSE IDIOTS OUT THERE!
OH, REGINE... IT'S
NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU CAN'T HELP YOURSELF.
YOU LIKE A BLABAHOLIC.
I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS
AND FIND AN OUTFIT
THAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR
BAKING BREAD WITH MONKS.
DON'T FORGET YOUR PUSHUP BRA.
OH, YES, MAX, SURE.
I'M JUST GOING TO STRUT
AROUND A GROUP OF CELIBATE MEN
WHO HAVEN'T SEEN A WOMAN
OF MY CHARMS IN YEARS.
HEY! THIS COULD BE FUN!
NOW, KHADIJAH
THIS IS THE DRESS I WAS
THINKING ABOUT FOR YOU
EXCEPT WITH A DOUBLE
RUFFLE AROUND THE WAIST.
NOT UNLESS IT COMES
WITH A MATCHING BAG
TO PUT OVER MY HEAD!
GOOD EVENING. I'M LOOKING
FOR SYNCLAIRE JAMES?
WHY, I'M SYNCLAIRE JAMES.
HI. I'M PATRICK O'MALLEY.
I WORK WITH HAROLD.
OH, YES, ALL RIGHT!
COME IN AND SIT DOWN!
I WANTED TO TELL YOU WHAT A
GREAT THING YOU DID FOR HAL
LIFTING UP HIS SPIRITS AND ALL.
OH, THAT'S WHAT
ACTORS HELPING ACTORS
IS ALL ABOUT.
ACTORS HELPING ACTORS.
I WISH THEY HAD A HOT
LINE FOR BRIDESMAIDS
IN BOOTY‐ASS RUFFLES.
WE WASH WINDOWS TOGETHER
AND I HADN'T SEEN HIM IN A
WHILE AND I GOT WORRIED.
THEN THE OTHER DAY, HE SHOWED
UP WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE
AND SAID HE WAS GOING TO
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE THINGS
IN LIFE... BECAUSE OF YOU.
BECAUSE OF ME?
THEN WE GOT ON THE
PLATFORM AND STARTED OUR WAY
UP TO THE 62nd FLOOR.
HE STARTED TO DANCE FOR
JOY AND HE SHOUTED OUT
"I'VE GOT LIFE, LIFE
DOESN'T HAVE ME!"
HEY, THAT'S ONE OF
YOUR HOT LINE MOTTOS
ISN'T IT, BABE?
REMINDS US THAT WE ARE IN
CHARGE OF OUR OWN DESTINIES.
THEN HE SLIPPED
AND FELL TO HIS DEATH.
WHAT?
ARE YOU SURE?
WELL, THEY TOOK HIM AWAY
IN TWO AMBULANCES, SO...
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN ONE
HELL OF A CHALK OUTLINE.
I'M SORRY, BABY.
I GUESS IT WAS HAROLD'S TIME.
DON'T BE TOO SAD.
WELL, IT'S FUNNY. I DO FEEL SAD.
BUT I ALSO FEEL
STRANGELY ELATED.
I MEAN, MAYBE BECAUSE OF ME,
HAROLD IS MEETING HIS MAKER
WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE.
AND TO THINK WHEN
HAROLD TOLD ME ABOUT YOU
I DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM.
YOU AIN'T ALONE, BUDDY.
LISTEN, CAN I CALL YOU
SOMETIME IF I'M FEELING DOWN?
OH, ARE YOU AN
OUT‐OF‐WORK ACTOR TOO?
EXOTIC DANCER. I
KIND OF LET MYSELF GO.
CALL ME!
GOSH! I REALLY FEEL LIKE I
HAVE A PURPOSE, YOU KNOW?
LIKE I'M JUST
BURSTING WITH LIFE.
OH!
OBIE?
WANT TO GO UP TO YOUR PLACE?
UM, SWEETNESS, A MAN IS DEAD.
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
I, UH, SHAVED MY
LEGS THIS MORNING.
LET'S MOSEY.
LET'S GO!
ISN'T LIFE WONDERFUL?
WHAT THE HELL IS
WRONG WITH THEM?
SOMEBODY DIED.
WELL, THEY HAD A
BETTER DAY THAN I DID.
KHADIJAH, EVEN IN A MONASTERY,
I COULD NOT KEEP MY TRAP SHUT.
I WAS BAKING BREAD
WITH THIS MONK
WHEN I TOLD HIM HE
WAS WAY TOO FINE
TO BE DRESSED LIKE
A SACK OF POTATOES.
NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M OUTSIDE
WITH A SANDAL
PRINT ON MY BEHIND.
YOU MACKED A MONK?
THERE IS A SPECIAL
PLACE IN HELL FOR YOU.
LET'S FACE IT, I'VE BEEN A
BLABBERMOUTH MY WHOLE LIFE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT MY
FIRST WORDS WERE "DA DA"?
NO, NOT BECAUSE I RECOGNIZED HIM
BUT BECAUSE MOMMY WANTED TO
KNOW WHO SPILLED JUICE ON THE CARPET.
THAT'S NOT REALLY
BEING A BLABBERMOUTH.
THAT'S MORE LIKE A TATTLETALE,
STOOL PIGEON, A SNITCH.
A RAT FINK.
THE POINT IS...
THE POINT IS, I
NEVER OUTGREW IT.
AND NOW, UNDERNEATH
ALL MY STYLE AND GRACE
I AM STILL THIS
INSECURE LITTLE GIRL.
IT'S LIKE I NEED TO STILL SAY:
"I KNOW SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW."
JUST TO FEEL IMPORTANT.
THAT'S PATHETIC.
ALL RIGHT, REGINE,
LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
SARAH McQUEEN WAS CAUGHT
RED‐HANDED SETTING FIRE.
TO A 7‐ELEVEN.
WHAT? NO!
THE GUY GAVE HER
THE WRONG CHANGE
SO SHE GRABBED THE
"JERRY'S KIDS" DONATION BUCKET
FILLED IT WITH
LIGHTER FLUID, LIT IT
HURLED IT AT A COMIC
BOOK CAROUSEL.
THE PLACE WENT UP LIKE A
TORCH. THERE WERE NO INJURIES.
MRS. BENCHLEY DON'T PLAY!
YEAH, HER HUSBAND SAID
SHE'D BEEN SUFFERING
FROM DEPRESSION EVER SINCE
THEY VOTED ANGELA LANSBURY
"SEXIEST SENIOR CITIZEN."
YOU KNOW, THAT JURY
SHOULD HAVE LISTENED
TO YOU.
OH... OH, THANK GOD.
I ALMOST THOUGHT SOMETHING
WAS WRONG WITH ME!
BUT NOW I KNOW
THAT GOD HAS PUT ME
AND MY BIG MOUTH
HERE FOR A REASON.
TO PISS OFF MONKS?
NO, FOR REAL, KHADIJAH!
SOME PEOPLE ARE
JUST MEANT TO BLAB.
I AM A PURVEYOR OF INFORMATION.
A DIVA OF DISH.
A GABRIEL OF GOSSIP FOR
ALL WHO HEAR MY TRUMPET.
HEY, MAX. YOU KNOW HOW
YOU'VE BEEN SPORTING
THESE PONYTAILS?
WELL, YOUR GIRL KHADIJAH SAID
ALL YOU NEEDED WAS SOME FRECKLES
AND YOU'D LOOK LIKE AN
URBAN PIPPI LONGSTOCKING.
KHADIJAH, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
UH, UH, UH.
NOW, BEFORE YOU GET TOO UPSET
REMEMBER, THE OTHER DAY, YOU
SAID KHADIJAH'S LATEST HAIRDO
LOOKED LIKE ESCAPE
TO WITCH MOUNTAIN.
UM, EXCUSE ME.
WHY ARE YOU SPILLING
ALL OF THIS DIRT?
IT'S WHAT I DO.
NOT GUILTY... NOT GUILTY...
NOT GUILTY... NOT
GUILTY... GUILTY.
WHAT?
SARAH McQUEEN IS GUILTY.
AND APPARENTLY, I AM THE
ONLY SANE PERSON ON THIS JURY.
GOOD. THEN WE CAN
ALL PLEAD INSANITY
WHEN WE KILL YOU.
DAMN STRAIGHT.
I'VE HAD MARRIAGES
THAT DIDN'T TAKE AS
LONG AS THIS DELIBERATION.
CONSIDERING YOUR LITTLE
ATTITUDE, I'M NOT SURPRISED.
WELL, ANOTHER DAY SHOT.
LET'S GO HOME, KICK THE DOG
AND RECONVENE TOMORROW MORNING.
UNLESS ONE OF US
GETS HIT BY A BUS.
AND REMEMBER THE
JUDGE'S ADMONITION
NOT TO DISCUSS THE
CASE WITH ANYONE.
EVEN IF YOUR FAMILY WONDERS
WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO
YOUR WIFE'S GRAVE LATELY?
IT AIN'T LIKE SHE
GOING ANYWHERE.
♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ SINGLE ♪
♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪
♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ WHENEVER THIS
LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪
♪ MY HOMEGIRL
STANDING TO MY LEFT ♪
♪ AND MY RIGHT ♪
♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S
TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪
Captioning sponsored by FOX
BROADCASTING COMPANY
OH, I KNOW, HAROLD, I KNOW.
SOMETIMES, LIFE DOESN'T
COOPERATE WITH OUR PLANS
BUT REMEMBER, DISAPPOINTMENT
ENDS IN OINTMENT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
OINTMENT HEALS.
WHAT'S CONFUCIUS JACKSON UP TO?
HA HA.
"ACTORS HELPING ACTORS."
IT'S A CRISIS HOT LINE
FOR UNEMPLOYED ACTORS.
SHOULDN'T SHE BE ON THE
OTHER END OF THAT PHONE CALL?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET?
MY BABY IS MORE THAN QUALIFIED
TO MAN THOSE PHONES, OKAY?
SHE HAD AN HOUR AND A
HALF OF INTENSIVE TRAINING
PLUS A REFRESHER
COURSE IN PHONE HYGIENE.
REMEMBER, IT TAKES
52 MUSCLES TO FROWN
AND ONLY 19 TO SMILE.
NOW, YOU DO THE HAPPY MATH.
PEACE OUT.
SO HOW'S HAROLD DOING,
MY CURVACEOUS COUNSELOR?
NOT BAD, NOT BAD.
HE STILL THINKS
EVERYBODY'S OUT TO GET HIM
BUT HE'S BEGINNING
TO TRUST HIS CAT AGAIN.
Kyle: HEY, REGINE.
HOW'S JURY DUTY?
KYLE, NOW, YOU KNOW
I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT
AND BESIDES, I
ALREADY TOLD YOU ALL:
I'M ON SOME BORING OLD TRIAL
THAT NOBODY WOULD
BE INTERESTED IN.
MM. I GUESS THEY MATCH
THE CASE WITH THE JUROR.
TOO BAD YOU AIN'T ON
THAT SARAH McQUEEN CASE.
MAYBE YOU COULD STRAIGHTEN
OUT THAT IDIOT JUROR
THAT'S HOLDING UP
THE DAD‐GONE VERDICT!
I‐IDIOT...?
WELL, NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK
THAT SHE'S... OR
HE'S... AN IDIOT?
WELL, REPORTEDLY
SOMEONE ON THAT
JURY IS CONVINCED
THAT KINDHEARTED OLD WOMAN
COULD BURN DOWN HER OWN HOUSE.
EVEN THE PROSECUTOR ENDED
HIS CLOSING ARGUMENT WITH:
"ON THE OTHER HAND,
I COULD BE WRONG."
Overton: WHO AMONG US DIDN'T
GROW UP LOVING SARAH McQUEEN.
IN HERE COMES MRS.
BENCHLEY, GET OUT THE WAY.
Kyle: MRS. BENCHLEY.
AN ARSONIST. YEAH.
AND WHEEZY
JEFFERSON SHOT J. F. K.
Khadijah: OOH, WHEEZY JEFFERSON!
YOU GUYS, NOW, SARAH McQUEEN.
IS THE WOMAN
ACCUSED OF THE CRIME.
MRS. BENCHLEY
IS JUST A CHARACTER SHE PLAYS.
DON'T CONFUSE THE
ACTOR WITH THE ROLE.
YEAH.
TELL THAT TO TOOTIE.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT...
NO, NO, NO, REGINE.
SHE REALLY IS SWEET.
WHEN I INTERVIEWED HER
SHE BROUGHT A MARBLE CAKE...
AND GET THIS...
HAD HER THREE ADOPTED
CAMBODIAN ORPHANS SING
"I WILL SURVIVE."
SARAH McQUEEN IS GUILTY!
OR COULD BE GUILTY...
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I'M NOT ON THAT JURY.
STOP LOOKING AT ME.
LOOK, THERE'S NOT ONE
SOLID PIECE OF EVIDENCE
LINKING SARAH
McQUEEN TO THE CRIME.
PLUS... 15 PEOPLE
TESTIFIED ON HER BEHALF
INCLUDING THE ENTIRE CAST
OF MY MOTHER, THE BOAT.
WHEN THE FIRE BROKE OUT
McQUEEN WAS ON A RED
CROSS PLANE TO BOSNIA.
DELIVERING MEDICAL SUPPLIES
AND HOMEMADE PEANUT BRITTLE.
AND YOU CALL THAT AN ALIBI?
I HAVE YET TO HEAR
ONE GOOD REASON
WHY SARAH McQUEEN IS GUILTY.
I HAVE GIVEN YOU SEVERAL,
AND HERE COMES ANOTHER:
WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME AN INNOCENT WOMAN
WORE NUDE PANTYHOSE TWO SHADES
DARKER THAN HER OWN COMPLEXION?
HOMEGIRL IS HIDING SOMETHING.
LIVER SPOTS.
SHE'S 73.
SHE BURNED DOWN HER HOUSE
FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY!
YOU HEARD THE PROSECUTOR
SAY THAT SHE HASN'T WORKED
SINCE SHE STARRED IN
WHOOPS, I'M THE PRESIDENT.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES,
THE JURORS IN A CASE‐‐
THEY FORM A REAL BOND
AMONGST THEMSELVES
AND AFTERWARDS,
THEY GET TOGETHER
TO TALK OVER OLD TIMES
AND SHARE NEW EXPERIENCES...
BUT NOT ON THIS CASE
BECAUSE I HATE YOU.
I SECOND.
LET'S VOTE ON THAT. HANDS?
Overton: OKAY, BABY GIRL.
LET'S TEST IT OUT.
OKAY.
RING, RING.
ACTORS HELPING ACTORS.
WHAT IS YOUR CRISIS?
OH, NOW, SYNCLAIRE.
DON'T PLAY WITH A LOADED
PHONE IN THE HOUSE.
KHADIJAH, THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
HAROLD IS ONE OF
MY DAILY CALLERS.
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM
HIM SINCE WEDNESDAY.
WELL, MAYBE HE FOUND A JOB.
OR MAYBE HIS PHONE GOT CUT OFF.
OR MAYBE HE KILLED HIMSELF.
OH, COME ON!
LIKE YOU GUYS
WEREN'T THINKING THAT.
YEAH, MAYBE SO
BUT WE WERE ABLE TO
SNAP OUR MOUTHS SHUT
BEFORE SOMETHING
STUPID CAME TUMBLING OUT.
BUSTED AGAIN! ALL
RIGHT, SO, WHAT IS IT?
SHOES OR SHIRT?
EH... SHIRT.
WELL, HELLO, MADAM JUROR.
HAVE YOU DISCHARGED
YOUR CIVIC DUTY TODAY?
NO. STILL DELIBERATING.
THOSE ROCK HEADS.
YOU GOT AN IDIOT HOLDOUT
ON YOUR JURY TOO?
YOU KNOW, FOLKS
THERE ARE OTHER THINGS
GOING ON IN THE WORLD
BESIDES JURIES, HUH?
MAD COW DISEASE‐‐
AREN'T THE COWS STILL MAD?
STOP LOOKING AT ME.
YOU GUYS, I HAVE SOMETHING
I HAVE GOT TO GET OFF MY CHEST.
STOP THAT.
NOW, IF I TELL YOU, SWEAR
IT WILL GO NO FURTHER.
OH, OF COURSE, REGINE.
WE'LL EVEN DO A PINKY SWEAR.
NOW, HOLD ON, MAMA.
LET'S SEE WHAT SHE GOT FIRST.
I AM ON THE...
VERGE OF BUYING A NEW DRESS.
HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
I DON'T KNOW.
LISTEN.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE
MACARONI AND CHEESE OUT OF A BOX
YOUR BEST BET IS COUNT MACULAS.
PLEASE! COUNT MACULA
WOULDN'T KNOW CHEESE
IF A MAD COW
DELIVERED IT TO HIM.
SEE, REGINE? I
WORKED IN YOUR TOPIC.
I'M THE HOLDOUT JUROR
ON THE McQUEEN CASE!
YOU KNOW, WHEN I MAKE
MY FAMOUS BARKER
MACARONI AND FROMAGE
I USE ONLY THE
FINEST AGED CHEDDAR
WITH JUST A HINT OF
GOUDA, AND THEN YOU...
DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
I'M THE IDIOT HOLDOUT THAT
WANTS McQUEEN LOCKED UP.
WHAT?
YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?
YOU'RE... THE IDIOT?
THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY
IS SAYING ABOUT ME!
I'M ON THIS BIG,
CONTROVERSIAL CASE
AND I CAN'T EVEN DEFEND MYSELF.
I CAN'T EVEN GET ON
THE COVER OF PEOPLE.
FREAK THAT. YOU'RE NOT EVEN
SUPPOSED TO DISCUSS THE CASE.
YOU WANT ME DEAD, IS THAT IT?
YOU JUST WANT ME TO EXPLODE
TRYING TO HOLD THIS JUICE IN.
YEAH, WELL, IT SEEMS
THE JUICE IS LOOSE.
ALL RIGHT, I...
I'M NOT GOING TO
TELL ANYBODY ELSE.
JUST MY IMMEDIATE, INTIMATE
CIRCLE OF TRUSTED FRIENDS.
AND MAX.
AND THE JUDGE.
WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU VIOLATED HIS ORDERS.
NOW, EITHER YOU TELL THE
JUDGE WHAT YOU'VE DONE
OR AS AN OFFICER OF THE COURT
I AM OBLIGATED TO DO IT.
I MEAN IT.
LAST NIGHT
ONE OF THE JURORS INFORMED
ME THAT SHE DISCUSSED THE CASE
OUTSIDE THE JURY ROOM.
OH, GOD! NO! WHO?
WHAT THE HELL!
LET ME FIRST SAY THAT
SUCH UNSOLICITED HONESTY
IS BOTH RARE AND REFRESHING...
ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING
THE HEINOUS NATURE
OF HER TRANSGRESSION.
THIS TIME
I WOULD LIKE TO ASK THAT
THE JUROR COME FORWARD.
YOU BETTER GET
ON UP THERE, GIRL.
MISS HUNTER!
DON'T MAKE ME USE
THE MAGIC HAMMER.
OH, IF SHE KNEW THEY'RE
NOT GOING TO LET HER
TAKE ALL THEM WIGS
TO THE BIG HOUSE.
I WISH I HAD THE POWER
TO SENTENCE A CITIZEN TO SHAME.
BUT, ALAS I DO NOT.
COULD I GO NOW?
JUST ONE MORE THING.
I FIND YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT
AND SENTENCE YOU TO...
EXCUSE ME, YOUR HONOR!
MAXINE SHAW, PUBLIC DEFENDER
AND PARK SLOPE ALDERWOMAN.
YES, MISS SHAW.
I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT
THE JUROR IS A SOLID CITIZEN
WITH COMMUNITY...
MISS SHAW! YOU ARE AN
OFFICER OF THE COURT
AND A PUBLIC OFFICIAL
AND YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT YOU KNOW THIS SIMPLETON?
I REQUEST MY NAME AND COMMENTS
BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD.
YOU SAVE YOURSELF, GIRL.
DON'T YOU GO DOWN
WITH THAT SHIP!
YOU KNOW IT'LL SINK!
I HEREBY DISCHARGE
YOU FROM THIS JURY...
AND SENTENCE YOU TO 50
HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE.
I HAVE MADE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR YOU TO BAKE BREAD
WITH THE BROTHERS OF
SEBASTIAN MONASTERY.
THEY HAVE TAKEN
A VOW OF SILENCE.
THE STATE CAN'T SEEM
TO GET YOU TO SHUT UP.
PERHAPS GOD CAN.
NOW, IF THE REMAINING JURORS
ALONG WITH THE ALTERNATE
WOULD EXCUSE THEMSELVES
AND BEGIN DELIBERATION.
I FEEL SORRY FOR THE POOR
ALTERNATE THAT HAS TO CONTEND
WITH THIS GROUP OF ROCK HEADS.
YOUR HONOR!
WE'VE REACHED A VERDICT.
WE FIND SARAH
McQUEEN NOT GUILTY.
NO! NO! IT'S A MISTAKE!
IT'S A MISTAKE!
Y'ALL CHECK UNDER
HER WIG FOR MATCHES!
IT'S A MISTAKE!
SARAH McQUEEN...
GOD IS WATCHING YOU.
OH, HEY, KYLE.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK
OF THIS DRESS RIGHT HERE.
FRANKLY, I NEVER PICTURED
YOU IN ANYTHING BACKLESS.
IT'S A WEDDING DRESS
FOR SYNCLAIRE, OKAY?
OH, IN THAT CASE, I
SUGGEST SOMETHING SHORT
TO SHOW OFF HER LEGS.
AND TO REDUCE THE
LIKELIHOOD OF TRIPPING.
OH!
OBIE! I FOUND HAROLD!
HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT,
MY PRECIOUS PRIVATE EYE?
WELL, THE LAST TIME HE CALLED
HE SAID HE WAS DROWNING
HIS SORROWS IN A HOT LINK
AND PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
SO YOU FOUND HIM IN
AN EMERGENCY ROOM
GETTING HIS STOMACH PUMPED?
KYLE, LET THE MYSTERY UNFOLD.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
I REMEMBER THAT HAROLD LIVED
DOWNTOWN NEAR THE "F" TRAIN.
SO I GO DOWN THERE AND I
FIND BIG MAMA'S HOT LINK HEAVEN.
NOW BIG MAMA NOT ONLY KNEW HIM
SHE RENTED HIM
THE ROOM UPSTAIRS.
DAMN! APARTMENT
ABOVE HOT LINK HEAVEN
GOT TO BE ONE GREASY STAIRCASE.
SO, HE WASN'T AT HOME
BUT HIS NEIGHBORS SAID
HE HAD GONE OUT TO GET SOME AIR.
PROBABLY TO ESCAPE THE STENCH
OF ROASTING SWINE.
I GO TO A NEARBY PARK
AND WHO DO YOU THINK
IS SITTING ON A BENCH
EATING A HOT LINK SALAD?
THE ARTIST FORMERLY
KNOWN AS PRINCE?
NO! HAROLD!
WHEN HE REALIZED WHAT
I HAD GONE THROUGH
HE SAID HE WOULD
PUT ALL HIS DESPAIR
BEHIND HIM AND START
LIVING FOR TODAY.
ALL RIGHT, SYNCLAIRE, YOU
KNOW, THAT'S BRILLIANT SLEUTHING.
TELL ME SOMETHING, WHERE
ARE YOUR SUNGLASSES?
YOU KNOW, FUNNY
YOU SHOULD ASK THAT.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR THEM ALL DAY!
THAT'S AMAZING.
I AM AN INTERNATIONAL JOKE.
A CAMERA CREW HAS FOLLOWED
ME INTO THE LADIES ROOM.
AND A SPANISH COUPLE
CAME UP TO ME...
TWO TOURISTS...
'CAUSE THEY WANTED
TO TAKE A PICTURE
WITH SENORITA BLABBERMOUTH.
HEY, YOU GUYS DON'T THINK
I HAVE A PROBLEM, DO YOU?
WELL, REGINE, YOU FAM.
SO, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR
FOR YOU TO ASK A QUESTION
LIKE THAT, POINT BLANK
AND EXPECT AN ANSWER.
REGINE, YOU'RE A GOSSIPY,
DIRT DEALING, HUMAN BULLHORN.
WE'RE NOT THAT CLOSE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE
AGREE WITH THOSE IDIOTS OUT THERE!
OH, REGINE... IT'S
NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU CAN'T HELP YOURSELF.
YOU LIKE A BLABAHOLIC.
I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS
AND FIND AN OUTFIT
THAT'S APPROPRIATE FOR
BAKING BREAD WITH MONKS.
DON'T FORGET YOUR PUSHUP BRA.
OH, YES, MAX, SURE.
I'M JUST GOING TO STRUT
AROUND A GROUP OF CELIBATE MEN
WHO HAVEN'T SEEN A WOMAN
OF MY CHARMS IN YEARS.
HEY! THIS COULD BE FUN!
NOW, KHADIJAH
THIS IS THE DRESS I WAS
THINKING ABOUT FOR YOU
EXCEPT WITH A DOUBLE
RUFFLE AROUND THE WAIST.
NOT UNLESS IT COMES
WITH A MATCHING BAG
TO PUT OVER MY HEAD!
GOOD EVENING. I'M LOOKING
FOR SYNCLAIRE JAMES?
WHY, I'M SYNCLAIRE JAMES.
HI. I'M PATRICK O'MALLEY.
I WORK WITH HAROLD.
OH, YES, ALL RIGHT!
COME IN AND SIT DOWN!
I WANTED TO TELL YOU WHAT A
GREAT THING YOU DID FOR HAL
LIFTING UP HIS SPIRITS AND ALL.
OH, THAT'S WHAT
ACTORS HELPING ACTORS
IS ALL ABOUT.
ACTORS HELPING ACTORS.
I WISH THEY HAD A HOT
LINE FOR BRIDESMAIDS
IN BOOTY‐ASS RUFFLES.
WE WASH WINDOWS TOGETHER
AND I HADN'T SEEN HIM IN A
WHILE AND I GOT WORRIED.
THEN THE OTHER DAY, HE SHOWED
UP WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE
AND SAID HE WAS GOING TO
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE THINGS
IN LIFE... BECAUSE OF YOU.
BECAUSE OF ME?
THEN WE GOT ON THE
PLATFORM AND STARTED OUR WAY
UP TO THE 62nd FLOOR.
HE STARTED TO DANCE FOR
JOY AND HE SHOUTED OUT
"I'VE GOT LIFE, LIFE
DOESN'T HAVE ME!"
HEY, THAT'S ONE OF
YOUR HOT LINE MOTTOS
ISN'T IT, BABE?
REMINDS US THAT WE ARE IN
CHARGE OF OUR OWN DESTINIES.
THEN HE SLIPPED
AND FELL TO HIS DEATH.
WHAT?
ARE YOU SURE?
WELL, THEY TOOK HIM AWAY
IN TWO AMBULANCES, SO...
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN ONE
HELL OF A CHALK OUTLINE.
I'M SORRY, BABY.
I GUESS IT WAS HAROLD'S TIME.
DON'T BE TOO SAD.
WELL, IT'S FUNNY. I DO FEEL SAD.
BUT I ALSO FEEL
STRANGELY ELATED.
I MEAN, MAYBE BECAUSE OF ME,
HAROLD IS MEETING HIS MAKER
WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE.
AND TO THINK WHEN
HAROLD TOLD ME ABOUT YOU
I DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM.
YOU AIN'T ALONE, BUDDY.
LISTEN, CAN I CALL YOU
SOMETIME IF I'M FEELING DOWN?
OH, ARE YOU AN
OUT‐OF‐WORK ACTOR TOO?
EXOTIC DANCER. I
KIND OF LET MYSELF GO.
CALL ME!
GOSH! I REALLY FEEL LIKE I
HAVE A PURPOSE, YOU KNOW?
LIKE I'M JUST
BURSTING WITH LIFE.
OH!
OBIE?
WANT TO GO UP TO YOUR PLACE?
UM, SWEETNESS, A MAN IS DEAD.
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
I, UH, SHAVED MY
LEGS THIS MORNING.
LET'S MOSEY.
LET'S GO!
ISN'T LIFE WONDERFUL?
WHAT THE HELL IS
WRONG WITH THEM?
SOMEBODY DIED.
WELL, THEY HAD A
BETTER DAY THAN I DID.
KHADIJAH, EVEN IN A MONASTERY,
I COULD NOT KEEP MY TRAP SHUT.
I WAS BAKING BREAD
WITH THIS MONK
WHEN I TOLD HIM HE
WAS WAY TOO FINE
TO BE DRESSED LIKE
A SACK OF POTATOES.
NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M OUTSIDE
WITH A SANDAL
PRINT ON MY BEHIND.
YOU MACKED A MONK?
THERE IS A SPECIAL
PLACE IN HELL FOR YOU.
LET'S FACE IT, I'VE BEEN A
BLABBERMOUTH MY WHOLE LIFE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT MY
FIRST WORDS WERE "DA DA"?
NO, NOT BECAUSE I RECOGNIZED HIM
BUT BECAUSE MOMMY WANTED TO
KNOW WHO SPILLED JUICE ON THE CARPET.
THAT'S NOT REALLY
BEING A BLABBERMOUTH.
THAT'S MORE LIKE A TATTLETALE,
STOOL PIGEON, A SNITCH.
A RAT FINK.
THE POINT IS...
THE POINT IS, I
NEVER OUTGREW IT.
AND NOW, UNDERNEATH
ALL MY STYLE AND GRACE
I AM STILL THIS
INSECURE LITTLE GIRL.
IT'S LIKE I NEED TO STILL SAY:
"I KNOW SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW."
JUST TO FEEL IMPORTANT.
THAT'S PATHETIC.
ALL RIGHT, REGINE,
LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
SARAH McQUEEN WAS CAUGHT
RED‐HANDED SETTING FIRE.
TO A 7‐ELEVEN.
WHAT? NO!
THE GUY GAVE HER
THE WRONG CHANGE
SO SHE GRABBED THE
"JERRY'S KIDS" DONATION BUCKET
FILLED IT WITH
LIGHTER FLUID, LIT IT
HURLED IT AT A COMIC
BOOK CAROUSEL.
THE PLACE WENT UP LIKE A
TORCH. THERE WERE NO INJURIES.
MRS. BENCHLEY DON'T PLAY!
YEAH, HER HUSBAND SAID
SHE'D BEEN SUFFERING
FROM DEPRESSION EVER SINCE
THEY VOTED ANGELA LANSBURY
"SEXIEST SENIOR CITIZEN."
YOU KNOW, THAT JURY
SHOULD HAVE LISTENED
TO YOU.
OH... OH, THANK GOD.
I ALMOST THOUGHT SOMETHING
WAS WRONG WITH ME!
BUT NOW I KNOW
THAT GOD HAS PUT ME
AND MY BIG MOUTH
HERE FOR A REASON.
TO PISS OFF MONKS?
NO, FOR REAL, KHADIJAH!
SOME PEOPLE ARE
JUST MEANT TO BLAB.
I AM A PURVEYOR OF INFORMATION.
A DIVA OF DISH.
A GABRIEL OF GOSSIP FOR
ALL WHO HEAR MY TRUMPET.
HEY, MAX. YOU KNOW HOW
YOU'VE BEEN SPORTING
THESE PONYTAILS?
WELL, YOUR GIRL KHADIJAH SAID
ALL YOU NEEDED WAS SOME FRECKLES
AND YOU'D LOOK LIKE AN
URBAN PIPPI LONGSTOCKING.
KHADIJAH, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
UH, UH, UH.
NOW, BEFORE YOU GET TOO UPSET
REMEMBER, THE OTHER DAY, YOU
SAID KHADIJAH'S LATEST HAIRDO
LOOKED LIKE ESCAPE
TO WITCH MOUNTAIN.
UM, EXCUSE ME.
WHY ARE YOU SPILLING
ALL OF THIS DIRT?
IT'S WHAT I DO.