Living Single (1993–1998): Season 4, Episode 12 - Doctor in the House - full transcript
YULETIDE GREETINGS, MERRY, MERRY
AND ALL THAT FOLDEROL.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE GRINCH
WHO STOLE BREAKFAST.
KYLE, I GOT SOME MISTLETOE
IN MY BACK POCKET.
WHY DON'T YOU KISS MY ASS?
JUST LIKE EVERY CHRISTMAS‐‐
LATE FOR WORK AND
EARLY FOR DINNER.
NOW, KHADIJAH
MAX DID HANG THE STOCKINGS
BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE.
HER DRYER IS BROKEN.
THAT WAS HER LAUNDRY.
THAT'S THE LAST TIME
I WASTE 15 MINUTES
BUYING CHRISTMAS
GIFTS FOR YOU GUYS.
OH, INTEROFFICE MAIL ENVELOPES.
WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH
TO GIVE THE VERY LEAST.
AH, A GIFT CERTIFICATE
TO O'MONARCH BURGER.
I'M GOING TO GET THE
DELUXE DRAWBRIDGE DINNER.
WELL, HOLD UP, SIR‐EAT‐A‐LOT.
THE GIFT CERTIFICATE IS WORTH
A WHOPPING FIVE DOLLARS!
MAX, I KNOW IT'S THE
THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
BUT WHAT THE HELL
WERE YOU THINKING?
WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M...
I'M A LITTLE STRAPPED THIS YEAR.
I SPENT ALL MY MONEY
BUYING THOSE GIFT CERTIFICATES
PLUS A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR MYSELF.
A TOP‐OF‐THE‐LINE MASSAGE CHAIR
FROM THE HIGHER LIVING CATALOG.
I'M WORKING LATE TOMORROW
SO THEY'LL BE
DROPPING IT OFF HERE.
MAKE SURE YOU TIP
THE DELIVERY MAN.
NOW, YOU KNOW I'M A VEGETARIAN
SO I CAN'T USE THESE COUPONS
YOU CHRISTMAS HEIFER.
HEY, STUFF YOUR
STOCKING WITH THIS.
BREATH DROPS?
DON'T WAIT TILL
CHRISTMAS TO USE THEM.
♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪
♪ SINGLE ♪
♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪
♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ WHENEVER THIS
LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪
♪ MY HOMEGIRL STANDING
TO MY LEFT AND MY RIGHT ♪
♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S
TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪
Captioning sponsored by FOX
BROADCASTING COMPANY
KHADIJAH, CAN WE GET GOING, MAN?
I'M SO HUNGRY I
COULD GO TO K. F. C.
AND LICK OTHER PEOPLE'S FINGERS.
REGINE.
HI, CHARLES.
CHARLES, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS.
THE NEW YORK BOARD
OF PHYSICIANS IS GIVING ME
THEIR TOP AWARD
FOR ANESTHESIOLOGY‐‐
"THE NUMMY."
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BABY.
IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY
RECOGNIZED YOUR ABILITY
TO PUT PEOPLE TO SLEEP.
THE AWARDS BANQUET IS SATURDAY
AT THE HOME OF THE
HOSPITAL DIRECTOR.
AND THEY GAVE ME
FOUR TICKETS, REGINE.
YOU'RE WELCOME TO JOIN US.
A MEDICAL AWARDS CEREMONY
AT SOMEBODY'S HOUSE.
OH, YOU KNOW, I THINK I
GOT SOMETHING THAT NIGHT.
OH, RIGHT. A LIFE.
WELL, COOL.
CHARLES CAN GET HIS
NUMMY WITHOUT YOU.
YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU
DID LAST SATURDAY‐‐
FLIP THAT MATTRESS, GIRL.
YOU WON THE NUMMY?
MY SLEEP‐INDUCING
BROTHER, YOU HAVE ARRIVED.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE NUMMY?
I USED TO DATE A NEUROSURGEON.
I LEFT HER WHEN SHE
STARTED WORKING MY NERVES.
HEY, I HAVE TWO EXTRA TICKETS.
GOD BLESS YOU, DOCTOR MAN.
THIS IS THE BLACK‐TIE
EVENT OF THE YEAR‐‐
WALL‐TO‐WALL SOCIALITES
AND YOUNG TYCOONS
LIGHTING CIGARS
WITH THE CONTROVERSIAL
NEW $100 BILL.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HE SAID THE "NUMMY"
NOT "RICH MEN WAITING FOR ME."
RUSSELL, GIVE ME THEM TICKETS.
IF ONLY I COULD
BUT I MUST FIGURE
OUT WHO TO TAKE.
TAKE ME.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW LONG I'VE WAITED
TO HEAR THOSE WORDS.
ALL RIGHT, RUSSELL
I WILL LET YOU
SERVE AS MY ESCORT
PROVIDED THAT YOU
DO NOT SCRATCH, ADJUST
AND DON'T DRINK DIRECTLY
FROM THE PUNCH BOWL.
NOW, ABOUT YOUR ATTIRE...
HOLD ON, NOW, BUSTY AND BEGGING.
IF YOU GET TO CHOOSE MY WARDROBE
THEN I GET TO CHOOSE YOURS.
FIRST OFF, THIS IS
NOT BRA WEATHER.
KHADIJAH, LET'S NOT
GO TO THIS THING.
I HATE HANGING OUT
WITH SOCIETY PEOPLE.
YOU SHOULD BE USED TO IT BY NOW.
YOUR MOTHER WAS A
LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR.
YOUR FATHER'S AN AMBASSADOR.
I LOVE MY PARENTS
BUT I SPENT MOST OF MY
LIFE AVOIDING THEIR FRIENDS.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE THE OPPOSITE
OF EVERYTHING I'VE TRIED TO BE.
I PUT MYSELF THROUGH SCHOOL,
I WORK AT A COMMUNITY HOSPITAL
AND THE ONLY CLUB I
BELONG TO IS THE PRICE CLUB.
OH, BABY, I UNDERSTAND
BUT YOU CAN'T LET
THOSE PEOPLE STOP YOU
FROM GETTING WHAT'S YOURS.
I DON'T LIKE THE PEOPLE
AT THE WAFFLE BARN
BUT I STILL GETS MY BREAKFAST.
ALL RIGHT, I HEAR YOU.
WE'LL GO, GRAB MY AWARD
EAT SOME GOOSE LIVER AND VENISON
AND CALL IT A NIGHT.
GOOSE LIVER AND VENISON?
MM‐HMM.
WE HITTING THE WAFFLE
BARN ON THE WAY HOME.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO GIVE
MAXINE AN ELECTRIC CHAIR.
I'LL BE DAMNED IF SHE
DIDN'T BEAT ME TO IT.
THIS IS WORSE THAN THE CAKE
SHE GAVE HERSELF ON MY BIRTHDAY.
MERRY DAMN CHRISTMAS,
THAT'S WHAT I GOT TO SAY.
LET'S NOT BE TOO HARSH.
MAX GAVE THE CHAIR TO HERSELF,
BUT SHE HAD IT DELIVERED HERE.
OBVIOUSLY, SHE WANTS
US TO ENJOY IT TOO.
CHECK THIS OUT.
"FROM MAX TO MAX.
"P.S. STOP READING MY CARD
AND KEEP YOUR
CHEEKS OFF MY CHAIR."
OH! OKAY, THAT'S IT.
FIRE IT UP, OBIE.
I'M GOING FOR A RIDE.
IT'S JUST A CHAIR.
ALL RIGHT, TRY SOME
OF THIS RIGHT HERE.
OH!
OH... OBIE, I THINK
I'M CHEATING ON YOU.
HERE, BABY.
MOMMY'S HERE TO TAKE YOU HOME.
SYNCLAIRE, GET UP.
GET OFF. COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, OVERTON,
GO GET YOUR DOLLY
SO I CAN GET MY BABY
ACROSS THE STREET.
OH, I LEFT MY DOLLY IN THE VAN
AND I LEFT MY VAN, UM...
UH, WHERE DID I
LEAVE MY VAN, MAMA?
PORTUGAL.
OH, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
WELL, FORGET YOU.
KYLE... COME ON, BROTHER.
HOOK A SISTER UP.
MAXINE, OUR CONSTANT
BICKERING NOTWITHSTANDING
I REALLY DO HATE SEEING
YOU IN DIRE STRAITS.
SO LET'S JUST SIT BACK, RELAX
AND TRY TO THINK OF
A SOLUTION, SHALL WE?
I GOT...!
NO. LOST IT.
WHERE'S RUSSELL?
RUSSELL IS PROBABLY
STILL AT HOME
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHICH CLIP‐ON TIE GOES BEST
WITH HIS BERMUDA SHORTS.
EITHER DONALD TRUMP IS NAKED
AND TIED UP IN A BROOM CLOSET
OR I PAY YOU TOO MUCH.
SORRY I'M LATE, REGINE
BUT IT TOOK A LONG TIME
TO FIND ORCHIDS BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH
TO BE WORTHY OF YOUR BOSOM.
MAY I PIN THIS ON YOU? PLEASE.
RUSSELL... I'M TOUCHED...
BUT NOT BY YOUR CLAMMY MITTS.
OKAY, GET YOUR
CUMMERBUNDS IN THERE.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
ISN'T SOMEONE SUPPOSED
TO ANNOUNCE US?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
THE EIGHTH AND NINTH
WONDERS OF THE WORLD.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S IT, RUSSELL.
EVEN IN A TUX, MAN,
YOU'RE A PERVERT.
OH, I'VE GRADUATED
FROM SICKO TO PERVERT.
NEXT STOP, GROOM.
BRITTANY, DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME
OR IS THAT THE NUMMY MAN?
MARK, BRITTANY.
WELL, THIS IS KHADIJAH.
KHADIJAH. WHAT A CHARMING NAME.
IT'S ETHNIC, ISN'T IT?
YES.
BOTH MY PARENTS ARE ETHNIC.
TEN TO ONE YOU'RE A VASSAR GIRL.
NO, ACTUALLY, I WENT TO HOWARD.
OH, HOW ADORABLE.
GO ON, SISTER GIRL.
I THINK I WILL GO ON.
RIGHT NOW. EXCUSE ME.
KHADIJAH IS THE
PUBLISHER OF FLAVOR.
IT'S THE NUMBER ONE
URBAN MAGAZINE IN THE AREA.
OH. OH.
URBAN. URBAN.
DID WE TELL YOU BRETT
AND PENELOPE BROKE UP?
PENELOPE HAS ALWAYS
HAD AN EYE FOR YOU.
MM‐‐ AND SHE JUST HAD LIPO
TO GET RID OF HER THIRD CHIN.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY
HAD YOO‐HOOS HERE.
THEY DO WHEN YOU LIVE HERE.
BOOKER BURGHARDT MOUNTEBANK.
KHADIJAH JAMES.
NICE SLIPPERS.
TELL THAT TO MY WIFE.
SHE'S STILL CRANKY
ABOUT THE BATHROBE I WORE
TO OUR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING.
WANT A YUMMY DOODLE?
FOR A WORLD‐FAMOUS CARDIOLOGIST
YOU SURE ARE INHALING
SOME SNACK FOOD.
DON'T WORRY.
I'VE FIGURED OUT A WAY
TO GIVE MYSELF C. P. R.
WELL, IF YOU'D EXCUSE ME
I GOT TO GET BACK TO MY DATE.
HE'S DANGEROUSLY CLOSE
TO THE EMERGENCY EXIT.
WHO'S THE LUCKY YOUNG MAN
THAT HAD THE GOOD
SENSE AND GREAT FORTUNE
TO ESCORT YOU HERE?
DR. CHARLES ROBERTS.
GOOD MAN.
NEVER KNEW ANYONE MORE
DESERVING OF A NUMMY.
YOU KNOW, IT SURE WOULD BE NICE
TO TOAST HIM WITH
A CHOCOLATE SODA.
IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE
YOU FEEL BETTER
CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN.
THANK YOU, MELANIE... ALTHEA...
COMMISSIONER.
RUSSELL, HOW DO YOU
KNOW THESE PEOPLE?
MY SECOND WIFE WAS A BLUE BLOOD.
OR WAS IT MY THIRD?
I GET THEM CONFUSED.
IT WAS A PRETTY CRAZY SUMMER.
RUSSELL, HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN INTRODUCING ME AROUND?
'CAUSE I'M A SENSITIVE MAN
AND YOU CALLED ME A PERVERT.
I'M SORRY.
NO. TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE.
JUST WALK AWAY.
AH, AH, PUT A
LITTLE SHIMMY IN IT.
KHADIJAH, I WAS
JUST TELLING ALISON
ABOUT YOUR LITTLE
FLAVOR MAGAZINE PROJECT.
OH, IT'S JUST A LITTLE HOBBY
THAT'S GOTTEN ME FOUR
JOURNALISM AWARDS.
CAN I HAVE A COPY?
I SPONSOR A YOUNGSTER IN BELIZE
AND HE'LL REAL
ANYTHING IN ENGLISH.
ALISON, DON'T INSULT THE WOMAN.
I'M SURE SHE NEEDS
EVERY COPY SHE HAS
FOR THE HOOD.
OH, EXCUSE US.
GREETINGS ALL, AND
WELCOME TO MY RUMPUS ROOM.
THIS YEAR'S NUMMY
AWARD RECIPIENT
IS LIKE THE SON I'VE NEVER HAD
WHICH, OF COURSE, SAVED
ME A BUNDLE IN TUITION.
PLEASE, WELCOME
DR. CHARLES ROBERTS.
WHEN I FIRST HEARD I
WAS RECEIVING THIS AWARD
I WAS THRILLED AND HONORED.
THEN I FOUND OUT THAT IT
COMES FROM A GROUP OF PEOPLE
THAT TREAT ANYBODY
WITHOUT A PEDIGREE
LIKE SOME EXHIBIT IN A ZOO.
FORGIVE ME. I'M, UH, RAMBLING.
SO, IN CONCLUSION...
TAKE YOUR AWARD AND SHOVE IT.
AND, OH‐‐ I WOULD LIKE TO
THANK GOD AND MY MOTHER.
RUSSELL‐‐
THIS IS A THANK‐YOU
BASKET OF PRESERVES
THAT WE LADIES OF PRIVILEGE
BESTOW UPON SOMEONE
WHO HAS DONE US A FAVOR.
MAY I SMEAR SOME JAM
UPON YOU IN RETURN?
AFTER I REALIZED THAT
YOU WERE WELL‐CONNECTED
I BEGAN TO MENTION YOUR
NAME, AND BEFORE I KNEW IT
I HAD AN INVITATION TO DINE
WITH ALISON AND HER FRIENDS.
AND AS WE ALL KNOW,
LADIES WHO LUNCH
KNOW THE MEN WHO BUY DINNER.
DON'T, REGINE.
THOSE WOMEN ARE SHARKS.
THEY'LL EAT YOU ALIVE
AND SPIT UP YOUR WIG.
I'M TELLING YOU, THOSE
ARE SKINNY, EVIL WOMEN.
YOU HEARD HOW THEY
ATTACKED CHARLES AND KHADIJAH.
WHO WAS ATTACKING CHARLES?
AND WHO THE HELL
WAS ATTACKING ME?
REGINE'S LUNCH BUDDIES.
TELL HER, LADY MARMALADE.
ALL RIGHT, SPILL IT.
I‐IT WAS NOTHING REALLY.
I MEAN, IT WAS JUST A
FEW INNOCENT COMMENTS
ABOUT... HOW CHARLES
DESTROYED HIS CAREER
AND HOW HE'LL HAVE
TO TRADE IN HIS SCRUBS
FOR A SQUEEGEE
AND SOME NEWSPAPER.
CHARLES HAD EVERY RIGHT
TO TELL OFF THAT BOURGIE CROWD.
KHADIJAH, WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT VERY POWERFUL AND
INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE, HONEY.
I MEAN, PEOPLE WHO
HOLD CHARLES'S CAREER
IN THE PALM OF THEIR HANDS
AND HE TOLD THEM TO SHOVE IT.
WHY DID WE HAVE TO GO TO
THAT STUPID PARTY, ANYWAY?
MM‐MM, GIRL.
YOU KNOW THAT YOU
TALKED HIM INTO GOING.
DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY
CAN RUIN CHARLES'S CAREER?
SWEETIE... THESE
PEOPLE ARE SHALLOW
THEY'RE PATRONIZING,
THEY'RE VINDICTIVE.
OH, AND I'M LATE FOR
LUNCH WITH THEM.
SMOOCHES.
♪ TAKE THE CHAIR
WITH MY OWN DOLLY ♪
♪ FA‐LA‐LA‐LA‐LA
YOU CAN'T BEAT MAX. ♪
HEY...
WHAT THE FREAK DID
YOU DO TO MY CHAIR?
TECHNICALLY, NOTHING.
WE DID, HOWEVER,
DRILL FIVE HOLES
AND KIND OF BOLT
IT TO THE FLOOR.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY, UNBOLT
THIS THING RIGHT NOW.
I'M A LAWYER, AND THAT
IS MALICIOUS BOLTING
WITH INTENT TO SCREW.
OH, MAX, PLEASE. YOU OWE US.
YOU'VE BEEN RAIDING OUR
REFRIGERATOR FOR YEARS
WATCHING OUR TELEVISION
AND I DO BELIEVE
THOSE ARE MY SOCKS.
IN OTHER WORDS
THIS IS A LITTLE THING CALLED
"TIT FOR TAT."
TALK TO HER, TAT.
ASSUMING THAT EACH
MASSAGE IS WORTH A DOLLAR
AT 20 MASSAGES PER WEEK
YOU SHOULD PAY OFF YOUR
DEBT TO THIS HOUSEHOLD
IN EXACTLY FOUR
MONTHS AND THREE DAYS.
ALL RIGHT.
THIS ROUND GOES
TO SATAN'S HELPERS.
BUT BE WARNED‐‐
SATAN OWES ME BIG.
ALL RIGHT NOW, YOU SEE THIS?
WE NEVER SHOULD
HAVE DONE THIS, GUYS.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS CHRISTMAS.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
I MEAN, MAYBE WE SHOULD
GIVE THIS CHAIR BACK, YOU KNOW?
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
WE SHOULD DEFINITELY
GIVE THIS CHAIR BACK.
OH, OH, OH, MY BACK.
OH, THIS IS...
OH, HEAVEN MUST BE
MISSING AN EASY CHAIR.
SO YOU UNDERSTAND, DOC.
THOSE PEOPLE WERE DISRESPECTING
ME AND CHARLES ALL NIGHT.
I MUST SAY, IT'S REFRESHING
TO SEE A YOUNG MAN
SHOW SO MUCH PASSION
FOR HIS PRINCIPLES.
TOO MANY PEOPLE YOUR AGE
ONLY CARE ABOUT BIG
HOUSES AND FANCY CARS.
Woman: Dr. Mountebank?
The service is here to
wash your Rolls‐Royce.
IT CAME WITH THE HOUSE.
IS THERE ANY WAY
YOU CAN MAKE SURE
CHARLES HASN'T RUINED
HIS REP WITH THE BIGWIGS?
I'M SURE I CAN ASSUAGE THE
HURT FEELINGS OF THE BIGWIGS.
IF NOT, I'LL... GET THEM
DRUNK AND TAKE PICTURES.
OH, NO.
EXCUSE ME, DR. MOUNTEBANK.
KHADIJAH, WHAT'S GOING ON?
BOOKER IS GOING TO
TALK TO THE PEOPLE
AND MAKE SURE
EVERYTHING IS COOL.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THEM.
I CARE ABOUT YOU TALKING
TO MY BOSS BEHIND MY BACK.
I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE.
THAT'S THE THANKS I GET
FOR COMING UP HERE TO SAVE
YOUR UNGRATEFUL BEHIND?
QUEEN TAKES KNIGHT.
I DON'T NEED YOU TO SAVE ME.
IF THE ONLY WAY TO
ADVANCE IN MY CAREER
IS TO BE PHONY, THEN FORGET IT.
SO, WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?
A SELL‐OUT?
LOOK, I DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
I HAVE TO GO RENDER
SOMEBODY UNCONSCIOUS.
YOUNG MAN HAS A
SERIOUS PROBLEM‐‐
LOW BLOOD SUGAR.
I THINK HE SHOULD HAVE
'ROUND‐THE‐CLOCK FUDGE.
I LIKE MY INTERIOR LATEX
SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED.
OKAY, DUTCH BOY
GET YOUR CAN OUT OF THAT CHAIR.
DAMN THAT CHARLES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW
UNGRATEFUL HE IS.
WELL, SINCE THE SUBWAY RIDE
HOME DIDN'T HELP YOUR MOOD
MAYBE MY COLORFUL
LITTLE FABLE WILL.
YOU JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX.
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU
REALLY CARE ABOUT SOMEONE
IT'S DIFFICULT TO
TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN HAVING THEIR
BACK AND GOING BEHIND IT.
THAT'S IT?
NO BEARS?
NO PERPETRATING WOLF?
IT WAS LONG, SO I CUT
STRAIGHT TO THE MORAL.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING‐‐
I'M WRONG HERE?
MAYBE NOT YOU BUT THE
WELL‐MEANING GOOSE
I CUT FROM THE FABLE.
SHE TRIED TO HELP
HER FRIEND, THE BEAVER
KEEP HIS ANESTHESIOLOGY AWARD
BUT HE DIDN'T WANT IT
BECAUSE IT CAME FROM
SOME BAD, SNOOTY BEAVERS.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
SEE, THE BEAVER
HERE REPRESENTS...
I GOT IT!
MAYBE I SHOULD TALK TO CHARLES.
WHY, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE?
CHARLES!
WHAT A SURPRISE.
MAYBE I KIND OF
CALLED HIM FOR YOU.
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?
NO, SYNCLAIRE AND OVERTON
WANTED YOU TO SEE ME.
GOOD. THEY'RE
OPENING UP A DIALOGUE.
YOU THINK THEY COULD HAVE
THEIR DIALOGUE IN THE OTHER ROOM
SO I COULD USE THAT CHAIR?
COME ON NOW.
LOOK, THE ONLY REASON
I WENT TO YOUR BOSS
IS BECAUSE I FELT
PARTLY RESPONSIBLE.
WELL, I APPRECIATE
YOUR INTENTIONS
JUST NOT YOUR METHOD.
I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE
HAVING SOMEONE SPEAK UP FOR ME.
LIKE YOU DID FOR
ME AT THAT PARTY?
AH, TOUCHE.
I MEAN, I SAW MY
PARENTS GET SUCKED IN
BY BOURGIE PEOPLE LIKE THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO
WAKE UP ONE MORNING
AND DISCOVER THAT
I'M SKIPPING SURGERY
TO GO OFF SKEET SHOOTING
OFF THE BACK OF MY YACHT.
WITH YOUR AIM, YOU
COULDN'T HIT THE OCEAN.
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T
WANT TO BE LIKE THEM
DOESN'T MEAN YOU
CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF WHAT THEY'VE GOT.
MAYBE YOU'VE GOT A POINT.
BUT YOU CAN'T TELL ME
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE
THE SAME THING I DID
UP AT THAT PODIUM.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I WOULD HAVE DONE
WITH THAT AWARD
WHAT YOU TOLD
THEM TO DO WITH IT.
IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE
SOMEBODY PISSED ME OFF
THE WAY YOU DO.
I LIKE YOU TOO.
UH‐UH. GET UP, MOVE.
GET OUT OF THE CHAIR.
I NEED THIS CHAIR.
GET UP, GET UP, GET UP.
THE SHARKS MADE
SHORT WORK OF HER.
THEY STUCK HER WITH A
FOUR‐FIGURE LUNCH TAB
AT THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM.
MAN, I WAS DRAGGED
INTO THE KITCHEN
AND THEN I WAS MADE
TO SCRUB POTS AND PANS.
HEY, DOES THIS THING HAVE TURBO?
LUCKILY, WHEN SHE PHONED FLAVOR
I WAS STILL DILIGENTLY WORKING.
I RUSHED OVER AND FOUND
HER CLEAVAGE‐DEEP IN SUDS.
SO, I PULLED SOME STRINGS
WITH MY FRIEND
BORIS, THE MAITRE D'.
THE WAY I SEE IT
SHE'LL BE IN DEBT
TO ME FOR YEARS.
OOH, LET ME WATCH
YOU FOR FIVE MINUTES
AND WE'LL CALL IT EVEN.
LORD, SHAKE YOUR SHIMMY, NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HA‐HA. HA‐HA.
I GET THE CHAIR FIRST.
I BEAT YOU BOTH. WHOO!
THOUGHT YOU HAD HER, SHORTY
TILL SHE HIP‐CHECKED
YOU INTO THE GARBAGE.
OH!
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, OBIE.
HIT ME OFF.
LET'S GO FOR A LITTLE RIDE.
COME ON NOW, STOP TEASING.
HIT ME OFF.
HIT ME OFF, MAN.
LET'S GET IT GOING ON. COME ON.
I WISH I WERE, BABY
BUT THE CHAIR'S NOT WORKING.
IT'S WORKING, ALL RIGHT.
EXCEPT YOU HAVE TO PUT A TOKEN
ON THAT BIG OLD BOX ON THE SIDE.
THEY'RE A BUCK APIECE.
NO SNAPS, NO HAPS.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU WILL NOT EXTORT ONE
THIN DIME FROM ME, WOMAN.
YOU AND THAT CHAIR‐‐
Y'ALL CAN GO TO HELL.
SUIT YOURSELF.
I GUESS YOU'LL JUST BE
RUBBING YOUR BACK UP
AGAINST THE DOORKNOB.
I'M DOWN FOR FIVE.
GIVE ME 20.
UM... UM... DO YOU
TAKE A. T. M. CARDS?
WHOO‐HOO!
AND ALL THAT FOLDEROL.
WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE GRINCH
WHO STOLE BREAKFAST.
KYLE, I GOT SOME MISTLETOE
IN MY BACK POCKET.
WHY DON'T YOU KISS MY ASS?
JUST LIKE EVERY CHRISTMAS‐‐
LATE FOR WORK AND
EARLY FOR DINNER.
NOW, KHADIJAH
MAX DID HANG THE STOCKINGS
BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE.
HER DRYER IS BROKEN.
THAT WAS HER LAUNDRY.
THAT'S THE LAST TIME
I WASTE 15 MINUTES
BUYING CHRISTMAS
GIFTS FOR YOU GUYS.
OH, INTEROFFICE MAIL ENVELOPES.
WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH
TO GIVE THE VERY LEAST.
AH, A GIFT CERTIFICATE
TO O'MONARCH BURGER.
I'M GOING TO GET THE
DELUXE DRAWBRIDGE DINNER.
WELL, HOLD UP, SIR‐EAT‐A‐LOT.
THE GIFT CERTIFICATE IS WORTH
A WHOPPING FIVE DOLLARS!
MAX, I KNOW IT'S THE
THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
BUT WHAT THE HELL
WERE YOU THINKING?
WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M...
I'M A LITTLE STRAPPED THIS YEAR.
I SPENT ALL MY MONEY
BUYING THOSE GIFT CERTIFICATES
PLUS A LITTLE
SOMETHING FOR MYSELF.
A TOP‐OF‐THE‐LINE MASSAGE CHAIR
FROM THE HIGHER LIVING CATALOG.
I'M WORKING LATE TOMORROW
SO THEY'LL BE
DROPPING IT OFF HERE.
MAKE SURE YOU TIP
THE DELIVERY MAN.
NOW, YOU KNOW I'M A VEGETARIAN
SO I CAN'T USE THESE COUPONS
YOU CHRISTMAS HEIFER.
HEY, STUFF YOUR
STOCKING WITH THIS.
BREATH DROPS?
DON'T WAIT TILL
CHRISTMAS TO USE THEM.
♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪
♪ SINGLE ♪
♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪
♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ WHENEVER THIS
LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪
♪ MY HOMEGIRL STANDING
TO MY LEFT AND MY RIGHT ♪
♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S
TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪
Captioning sponsored by FOX
BROADCASTING COMPANY
KHADIJAH, CAN WE GET GOING, MAN?
I'M SO HUNGRY I
COULD GO TO K. F. C.
AND LICK OTHER PEOPLE'S FINGERS.
REGINE.
HI, CHARLES.
CHARLES, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS.
THE NEW YORK BOARD
OF PHYSICIANS IS GIVING ME
THEIR TOP AWARD
FOR ANESTHESIOLOGY‐‐
"THE NUMMY."
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BABY.
IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY
RECOGNIZED YOUR ABILITY
TO PUT PEOPLE TO SLEEP.
THE AWARDS BANQUET IS SATURDAY
AT THE HOME OF THE
HOSPITAL DIRECTOR.
AND THEY GAVE ME
FOUR TICKETS, REGINE.
YOU'RE WELCOME TO JOIN US.
A MEDICAL AWARDS CEREMONY
AT SOMEBODY'S HOUSE.
OH, YOU KNOW, I THINK I
GOT SOMETHING THAT NIGHT.
OH, RIGHT. A LIFE.
WELL, COOL.
CHARLES CAN GET HIS
NUMMY WITHOUT YOU.
YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU
DID LAST SATURDAY‐‐
FLIP THAT MATTRESS, GIRL.
YOU WON THE NUMMY?
MY SLEEP‐INDUCING
BROTHER, YOU HAVE ARRIVED.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE NUMMY?
I USED TO DATE A NEUROSURGEON.
I LEFT HER WHEN SHE
STARTED WORKING MY NERVES.
HEY, I HAVE TWO EXTRA TICKETS.
GOD BLESS YOU, DOCTOR MAN.
THIS IS THE BLACK‐TIE
EVENT OF THE YEAR‐‐
WALL‐TO‐WALL SOCIALITES
AND YOUNG TYCOONS
LIGHTING CIGARS
WITH THE CONTROVERSIAL
NEW $100 BILL.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HE SAID THE "NUMMY"
NOT "RICH MEN WAITING FOR ME."
RUSSELL, GIVE ME THEM TICKETS.
IF ONLY I COULD
BUT I MUST FIGURE
OUT WHO TO TAKE.
TAKE ME.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW LONG I'VE WAITED
TO HEAR THOSE WORDS.
ALL RIGHT, RUSSELL
I WILL LET YOU
SERVE AS MY ESCORT
PROVIDED THAT YOU
DO NOT SCRATCH, ADJUST
AND DON'T DRINK DIRECTLY
FROM THE PUNCH BOWL.
NOW, ABOUT YOUR ATTIRE...
HOLD ON, NOW, BUSTY AND BEGGING.
IF YOU GET TO CHOOSE MY WARDROBE
THEN I GET TO CHOOSE YOURS.
FIRST OFF, THIS IS
NOT BRA WEATHER.
KHADIJAH, LET'S NOT
GO TO THIS THING.
I HATE HANGING OUT
WITH SOCIETY PEOPLE.
YOU SHOULD BE USED TO IT BY NOW.
YOUR MOTHER WAS A
LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR.
YOUR FATHER'S AN AMBASSADOR.
I LOVE MY PARENTS
BUT I SPENT MOST OF MY
LIFE AVOIDING THEIR FRIENDS.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE THE OPPOSITE
OF EVERYTHING I'VE TRIED TO BE.
I PUT MYSELF THROUGH SCHOOL,
I WORK AT A COMMUNITY HOSPITAL
AND THE ONLY CLUB I
BELONG TO IS THE PRICE CLUB.
OH, BABY, I UNDERSTAND
BUT YOU CAN'T LET
THOSE PEOPLE STOP YOU
FROM GETTING WHAT'S YOURS.
I DON'T LIKE THE PEOPLE
AT THE WAFFLE BARN
BUT I STILL GETS MY BREAKFAST.
ALL RIGHT, I HEAR YOU.
WE'LL GO, GRAB MY AWARD
EAT SOME GOOSE LIVER AND VENISON
AND CALL IT A NIGHT.
GOOSE LIVER AND VENISON?
MM‐HMM.
WE HITTING THE WAFFLE
BARN ON THE WAY HOME.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO GIVE
MAXINE AN ELECTRIC CHAIR.
I'LL BE DAMNED IF SHE
DIDN'T BEAT ME TO IT.
THIS IS WORSE THAN THE CAKE
SHE GAVE HERSELF ON MY BIRTHDAY.
MERRY DAMN CHRISTMAS,
THAT'S WHAT I GOT TO SAY.
LET'S NOT BE TOO HARSH.
MAX GAVE THE CHAIR TO HERSELF,
BUT SHE HAD IT DELIVERED HERE.
OBVIOUSLY, SHE WANTS
US TO ENJOY IT TOO.
CHECK THIS OUT.
"FROM MAX TO MAX.
"P.S. STOP READING MY CARD
AND KEEP YOUR
CHEEKS OFF MY CHAIR."
OH! OKAY, THAT'S IT.
FIRE IT UP, OBIE.
I'M GOING FOR A RIDE.
IT'S JUST A CHAIR.
ALL RIGHT, TRY SOME
OF THIS RIGHT HERE.
OH!
OH... OBIE, I THINK
I'M CHEATING ON YOU.
HERE, BABY.
MOMMY'S HERE TO TAKE YOU HOME.
SYNCLAIRE, GET UP.
GET OFF. COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, OVERTON,
GO GET YOUR DOLLY
SO I CAN GET MY BABY
ACROSS THE STREET.
OH, I LEFT MY DOLLY IN THE VAN
AND I LEFT MY VAN, UM...
UH, WHERE DID I
LEAVE MY VAN, MAMA?
PORTUGAL.
OH, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
WELL, FORGET YOU.
KYLE... COME ON, BROTHER.
HOOK A SISTER UP.
MAXINE, OUR CONSTANT
BICKERING NOTWITHSTANDING
I REALLY DO HATE SEEING
YOU IN DIRE STRAITS.
SO LET'S JUST SIT BACK, RELAX
AND TRY TO THINK OF
A SOLUTION, SHALL WE?
I GOT...!
NO. LOST IT.
WHERE'S RUSSELL?
RUSSELL IS PROBABLY
STILL AT HOME
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHICH CLIP‐ON TIE GOES BEST
WITH HIS BERMUDA SHORTS.
EITHER DONALD TRUMP IS NAKED
AND TIED UP IN A BROOM CLOSET
OR I PAY YOU TOO MUCH.
SORRY I'M LATE, REGINE
BUT IT TOOK A LONG TIME
TO FIND ORCHIDS BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH
TO BE WORTHY OF YOUR BOSOM.
MAY I PIN THIS ON YOU? PLEASE.
RUSSELL... I'M TOUCHED...
BUT NOT BY YOUR CLAMMY MITTS.
OKAY, GET YOUR
CUMMERBUNDS IN THERE.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
ISN'T SOMEONE SUPPOSED
TO ANNOUNCE US?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
THE EIGHTH AND NINTH
WONDERS OF THE WORLD.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S IT, RUSSELL.
EVEN IN A TUX, MAN,
YOU'RE A PERVERT.
OH, I'VE GRADUATED
FROM SICKO TO PERVERT.
NEXT STOP, GROOM.
BRITTANY, DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME
OR IS THAT THE NUMMY MAN?
MARK, BRITTANY.
WELL, THIS IS KHADIJAH.
KHADIJAH. WHAT A CHARMING NAME.
IT'S ETHNIC, ISN'T IT?
YES.
BOTH MY PARENTS ARE ETHNIC.
TEN TO ONE YOU'RE A VASSAR GIRL.
NO, ACTUALLY, I WENT TO HOWARD.
OH, HOW ADORABLE.
GO ON, SISTER GIRL.
I THINK I WILL GO ON.
RIGHT NOW. EXCUSE ME.
KHADIJAH IS THE
PUBLISHER OF FLAVOR.
IT'S THE NUMBER ONE
URBAN MAGAZINE IN THE AREA.
OH. OH.
URBAN. URBAN.
DID WE TELL YOU BRETT
AND PENELOPE BROKE UP?
PENELOPE HAS ALWAYS
HAD AN EYE FOR YOU.
MM‐‐ AND SHE JUST HAD LIPO
TO GET RID OF HER THIRD CHIN.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY
HAD YOO‐HOOS HERE.
THEY DO WHEN YOU LIVE HERE.
BOOKER BURGHARDT MOUNTEBANK.
KHADIJAH JAMES.
NICE SLIPPERS.
TELL THAT TO MY WIFE.
SHE'S STILL CRANKY
ABOUT THE BATHROBE I WORE
TO OUR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING.
WANT A YUMMY DOODLE?
FOR A WORLD‐FAMOUS CARDIOLOGIST
YOU SURE ARE INHALING
SOME SNACK FOOD.
DON'T WORRY.
I'VE FIGURED OUT A WAY
TO GIVE MYSELF C. P. R.
WELL, IF YOU'D EXCUSE ME
I GOT TO GET BACK TO MY DATE.
HE'S DANGEROUSLY CLOSE
TO THE EMERGENCY EXIT.
WHO'S THE LUCKY YOUNG MAN
THAT HAD THE GOOD
SENSE AND GREAT FORTUNE
TO ESCORT YOU HERE?
DR. CHARLES ROBERTS.
GOOD MAN.
NEVER KNEW ANYONE MORE
DESERVING OF A NUMMY.
YOU KNOW, IT SURE WOULD BE NICE
TO TOAST HIM WITH
A CHOCOLATE SODA.
IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE
YOU FEEL BETTER
CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN.
THANK YOU, MELANIE... ALTHEA...
COMMISSIONER.
RUSSELL, HOW DO YOU
KNOW THESE PEOPLE?
MY SECOND WIFE WAS A BLUE BLOOD.
OR WAS IT MY THIRD?
I GET THEM CONFUSED.
IT WAS A PRETTY CRAZY SUMMER.
RUSSELL, HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN INTRODUCING ME AROUND?
'CAUSE I'M A SENSITIVE MAN
AND YOU CALLED ME A PERVERT.
I'M SORRY.
NO. TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE.
JUST WALK AWAY.
AH, AH, PUT A
LITTLE SHIMMY IN IT.
KHADIJAH, I WAS
JUST TELLING ALISON
ABOUT YOUR LITTLE
FLAVOR MAGAZINE PROJECT.
OH, IT'S JUST A LITTLE HOBBY
THAT'S GOTTEN ME FOUR
JOURNALISM AWARDS.
CAN I HAVE A COPY?
I SPONSOR A YOUNGSTER IN BELIZE
AND HE'LL REAL
ANYTHING IN ENGLISH.
ALISON, DON'T INSULT THE WOMAN.
I'M SURE SHE NEEDS
EVERY COPY SHE HAS
FOR THE HOOD.
OH, EXCUSE US.
GREETINGS ALL, AND
WELCOME TO MY RUMPUS ROOM.
THIS YEAR'S NUMMY
AWARD RECIPIENT
IS LIKE THE SON I'VE NEVER HAD
WHICH, OF COURSE, SAVED
ME A BUNDLE IN TUITION.
PLEASE, WELCOME
DR. CHARLES ROBERTS.
WHEN I FIRST HEARD I
WAS RECEIVING THIS AWARD
I WAS THRILLED AND HONORED.
THEN I FOUND OUT THAT IT
COMES FROM A GROUP OF PEOPLE
THAT TREAT ANYBODY
WITHOUT A PEDIGREE
LIKE SOME EXHIBIT IN A ZOO.
FORGIVE ME. I'M, UH, RAMBLING.
SO, IN CONCLUSION...
TAKE YOUR AWARD AND SHOVE IT.
AND, OH‐‐ I WOULD LIKE TO
THANK GOD AND MY MOTHER.
RUSSELL‐‐
THIS IS A THANK‐YOU
BASKET OF PRESERVES
THAT WE LADIES OF PRIVILEGE
BESTOW UPON SOMEONE
WHO HAS DONE US A FAVOR.
MAY I SMEAR SOME JAM
UPON YOU IN RETURN?
AFTER I REALIZED THAT
YOU WERE WELL‐CONNECTED
I BEGAN TO MENTION YOUR
NAME, AND BEFORE I KNEW IT
I HAD AN INVITATION TO DINE
WITH ALISON AND HER FRIENDS.
AND AS WE ALL KNOW,
LADIES WHO LUNCH
KNOW THE MEN WHO BUY DINNER.
DON'T, REGINE.
THOSE WOMEN ARE SHARKS.
THEY'LL EAT YOU ALIVE
AND SPIT UP YOUR WIG.
I'M TELLING YOU, THOSE
ARE SKINNY, EVIL WOMEN.
YOU HEARD HOW THEY
ATTACKED CHARLES AND KHADIJAH.
WHO WAS ATTACKING CHARLES?
AND WHO THE HELL
WAS ATTACKING ME?
REGINE'S LUNCH BUDDIES.
TELL HER, LADY MARMALADE.
ALL RIGHT, SPILL IT.
I‐IT WAS NOTHING REALLY.
I MEAN, IT WAS JUST A
FEW INNOCENT COMMENTS
ABOUT... HOW CHARLES
DESTROYED HIS CAREER
AND HOW HE'LL HAVE
TO TRADE IN HIS SCRUBS
FOR A SQUEEGEE
AND SOME NEWSPAPER.
CHARLES HAD EVERY RIGHT
TO TELL OFF THAT BOURGIE CROWD.
KHADIJAH, WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT VERY POWERFUL AND
INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE, HONEY.
I MEAN, PEOPLE WHO
HOLD CHARLES'S CAREER
IN THE PALM OF THEIR HANDS
AND HE TOLD THEM TO SHOVE IT.
WHY DID WE HAVE TO GO TO
THAT STUPID PARTY, ANYWAY?
MM‐MM, GIRL.
YOU KNOW THAT YOU
TALKED HIM INTO GOING.
DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY
CAN RUIN CHARLES'S CAREER?
SWEETIE... THESE
PEOPLE ARE SHALLOW
THEY'RE PATRONIZING,
THEY'RE VINDICTIVE.
OH, AND I'M LATE FOR
LUNCH WITH THEM.
SMOOCHES.
♪ TAKE THE CHAIR
WITH MY OWN DOLLY ♪
♪ FA‐LA‐LA‐LA‐LA
YOU CAN'T BEAT MAX. ♪
HEY...
WHAT THE FREAK DID
YOU DO TO MY CHAIR?
TECHNICALLY, NOTHING.
WE DID, HOWEVER,
DRILL FIVE HOLES
AND KIND OF BOLT
IT TO THE FLOOR.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY, UNBOLT
THIS THING RIGHT NOW.
I'M A LAWYER, AND THAT
IS MALICIOUS BOLTING
WITH INTENT TO SCREW.
OH, MAX, PLEASE. YOU OWE US.
YOU'VE BEEN RAIDING OUR
REFRIGERATOR FOR YEARS
WATCHING OUR TELEVISION
AND I DO BELIEVE
THOSE ARE MY SOCKS.
IN OTHER WORDS
THIS IS A LITTLE THING CALLED
"TIT FOR TAT."
TALK TO HER, TAT.
ASSUMING THAT EACH
MASSAGE IS WORTH A DOLLAR
AT 20 MASSAGES PER WEEK
YOU SHOULD PAY OFF YOUR
DEBT TO THIS HOUSEHOLD
IN EXACTLY FOUR
MONTHS AND THREE DAYS.
ALL RIGHT.
THIS ROUND GOES
TO SATAN'S HELPERS.
BUT BE WARNED‐‐
SATAN OWES ME BIG.
ALL RIGHT NOW, YOU SEE THIS?
WE NEVER SHOULD
HAVE DONE THIS, GUYS.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS CHRISTMAS.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
I MEAN, MAYBE WE SHOULD
GIVE THIS CHAIR BACK, YOU KNOW?
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
WE SHOULD DEFINITELY
GIVE THIS CHAIR BACK.
OH, OH, OH, MY BACK.
OH, THIS IS...
OH, HEAVEN MUST BE
MISSING AN EASY CHAIR.
SO YOU UNDERSTAND, DOC.
THOSE PEOPLE WERE DISRESPECTING
ME AND CHARLES ALL NIGHT.
I MUST SAY, IT'S REFRESHING
TO SEE A YOUNG MAN
SHOW SO MUCH PASSION
FOR HIS PRINCIPLES.
TOO MANY PEOPLE YOUR AGE
ONLY CARE ABOUT BIG
HOUSES AND FANCY CARS.
Woman: Dr. Mountebank?
The service is here to
wash your Rolls‐Royce.
IT CAME WITH THE HOUSE.
IS THERE ANY WAY
YOU CAN MAKE SURE
CHARLES HASN'T RUINED
HIS REP WITH THE BIGWIGS?
I'M SURE I CAN ASSUAGE THE
HURT FEELINGS OF THE BIGWIGS.
IF NOT, I'LL... GET THEM
DRUNK AND TAKE PICTURES.
OH, NO.
EXCUSE ME, DR. MOUNTEBANK.
KHADIJAH, WHAT'S GOING ON?
BOOKER IS GOING TO
TALK TO THE PEOPLE
AND MAKE SURE
EVERYTHING IS COOL.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THEM.
I CARE ABOUT YOU TALKING
TO MY BOSS BEHIND MY BACK.
I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE.
THAT'S THE THANKS I GET
FOR COMING UP HERE TO SAVE
YOUR UNGRATEFUL BEHIND?
QUEEN TAKES KNIGHT.
I DON'T NEED YOU TO SAVE ME.
IF THE ONLY WAY TO
ADVANCE IN MY CAREER
IS TO BE PHONY, THEN FORGET IT.
SO, WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?
A SELL‐OUT?
LOOK, I DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
I HAVE TO GO RENDER
SOMEBODY UNCONSCIOUS.
YOUNG MAN HAS A
SERIOUS PROBLEM‐‐
LOW BLOOD SUGAR.
I THINK HE SHOULD HAVE
'ROUND‐THE‐CLOCK FUDGE.
I LIKE MY INTERIOR LATEX
SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED.
OKAY, DUTCH BOY
GET YOUR CAN OUT OF THAT CHAIR.
DAMN THAT CHARLES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW
UNGRATEFUL HE IS.
WELL, SINCE THE SUBWAY RIDE
HOME DIDN'T HELP YOUR MOOD
MAYBE MY COLORFUL
LITTLE FABLE WILL.
YOU JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX.
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU
REALLY CARE ABOUT SOMEONE
IT'S DIFFICULT TO
TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN HAVING THEIR
BACK AND GOING BEHIND IT.
THAT'S IT?
NO BEARS?
NO PERPETRATING WOLF?
IT WAS LONG, SO I CUT
STRAIGHT TO THE MORAL.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING‐‐
I'M WRONG HERE?
MAYBE NOT YOU BUT THE
WELL‐MEANING GOOSE
I CUT FROM THE FABLE.
SHE TRIED TO HELP
HER FRIEND, THE BEAVER
KEEP HIS ANESTHESIOLOGY AWARD
BUT HE DIDN'T WANT IT
BECAUSE IT CAME FROM
SOME BAD, SNOOTY BEAVERS.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
SEE, THE BEAVER
HERE REPRESENTS...
I GOT IT!
MAYBE I SHOULD TALK TO CHARLES.
WHY, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE?
CHARLES!
WHAT A SURPRISE.
MAYBE I KIND OF
CALLED HIM FOR YOU.
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?
NO, SYNCLAIRE AND OVERTON
WANTED YOU TO SEE ME.
GOOD. THEY'RE
OPENING UP A DIALOGUE.
YOU THINK THEY COULD HAVE
THEIR DIALOGUE IN THE OTHER ROOM
SO I COULD USE THAT CHAIR?
COME ON NOW.
LOOK, THE ONLY REASON
I WENT TO YOUR BOSS
IS BECAUSE I FELT
PARTLY RESPONSIBLE.
WELL, I APPRECIATE
YOUR INTENTIONS
JUST NOT YOUR METHOD.
I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE
HAVING SOMEONE SPEAK UP FOR ME.
LIKE YOU DID FOR
ME AT THAT PARTY?
AH, TOUCHE.
I MEAN, I SAW MY
PARENTS GET SUCKED IN
BY BOURGIE PEOPLE LIKE THAT.
I DON'T WANT TO
WAKE UP ONE MORNING
AND DISCOVER THAT
I'M SKIPPING SURGERY
TO GO OFF SKEET SHOOTING
OFF THE BACK OF MY YACHT.
WITH YOUR AIM, YOU
COULDN'T HIT THE OCEAN.
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T
WANT TO BE LIKE THEM
DOESN'T MEAN YOU
CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF WHAT THEY'VE GOT.
MAYBE YOU'VE GOT A POINT.
BUT YOU CAN'T TELL ME
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE
THE SAME THING I DID
UP AT THAT PODIUM.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I WOULD HAVE DONE
WITH THAT AWARD
WHAT YOU TOLD
THEM TO DO WITH IT.
IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE
SOMEBODY PISSED ME OFF
THE WAY YOU DO.
I LIKE YOU TOO.
UH‐UH. GET UP, MOVE.
GET OUT OF THE CHAIR.
I NEED THIS CHAIR.
GET UP, GET UP, GET UP.
THE SHARKS MADE
SHORT WORK OF HER.
THEY STUCK HER WITH A
FOUR‐FIGURE LUNCH TAB
AT THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM.
MAN, I WAS DRAGGED
INTO THE KITCHEN
AND THEN I WAS MADE
TO SCRUB POTS AND PANS.
HEY, DOES THIS THING HAVE TURBO?
LUCKILY, WHEN SHE PHONED FLAVOR
I WAS STILL DILIGENTLY WORKING.
I RUSHED OVER AND FOUND
HER CLEAVAGE‐DEEP IN SUDS.
SO, I PULLED SOME STRINGS
WITH MY FRIEND
BORIS, THE MAITRE D'.
THE WAY I SEE IT
SHE'LL BE IN DEBT
TO ME FOR YEARS.
OOH, LET ME WATCH
YOU FOR FIVE MINUTES
AND WE'LL CALL IT EVEN.
LORD, SHAKE YOUR SHIMMY, NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HA‐HA. HA‐HA.
I GET THE CHAIR FIRST.
I BEAT YOU BOTH. WHOO!
THOUGHT YOU HAD HER, SHORTY
TILL SHE HIP‐CHECKED
YOU INTO THE GARBAGE.
OH!
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, OBIE.
HIT ME OFF.
LET'S GO FOR A LITTLE RIDE.
COME ON NOW, STOP TEASING.
HIT ME OFF.
HIT ME OFF, MAN.
LET'S GET IT GOING ON. COME ON.
I WISH I WERE, BABY
BUT THE CHAIR'S NOT WORKING.
IT'S WORKING, ALL RIGHT.
EXCEPT YOU HAVE TO PUT A TOKEN
ON THAT BIG OLD BOX ON THE SIDE.
THEY'RE A BUCK APIECE.
NO SNAPS, NO HAPS.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU WILL NOT EXTORT ONE
THIN DIME FROM ME, WOMAN.
YOU AND THAT CHAIR‐‐
Y'ALL CAN GO TO HELL.
SUIT YOURSELF.
I GUESS YOU'LL JUST BE
RUBBING YOUR BACK UP
AGAINST THE DOORKNOB.
I'M DOWN FOR FIVE.
GIVE ME 20.
UM... UM... DO YOU
TAKE A. T. M. CARDS?
WHOO‐HOO!